What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
A present for you and a whine for me!
Things going weird = a present for you
Well, we had a terrific time on the last teleclass, and I was looking forward to sending you the recording. However, the recording turned out pretty scratchy. And as you may know, I’m a stickler for super high quality products even when they’re give-aways. Plus, you really shouldn’t have to exert yourself to process the information. Because that’s no fun.
So I had a professional and absolutely gorgeous transcript made up and edited so that you can get the most from the themes and ideas we discussed. Reading it isn’t the same as being there, but you get to enjoy the wonderful discussion and there’s a ton of really great material there.
Whine of the week: Ow! Stop making me think!
Note: You may notice that this isn’t really anything like my normal articles. C’est la vie. It’s probably because I’m on holiday in Berlin which means:
a) my English is slowly fading again
b) I’m taking it easy
c) sometimes a short whine is just the thing!
Thanks for indulging and I hope it’s helpful for you too.
I admit that I went just a leeetle overboard with the freebie transcript download (we’ll talk some other time about the whole perfectionism vs. professionalism thing). You know what? It was fun going overboard. It was a way of working through my irritation at the general shoddiness that prevails all too often in the internet world.
Here’s the thing. In the past few months I have bought some terrific information products online. And I have downloaded a bunch of useful, interesting give-away manuals or articles. And yet, they were all kind of, well.. shoddy.
Terrific and shoddy? Well, I say “terrific” because the information was useful, interesting and relevant. So I got what I wanted and am happy to have gotten it. At the same time I still ended up feeling frustrated at the lengths I had to go to to extract the information from these pieces — the basic professional courtesy that I expected just wasn’t part of the package.
When I buy recordings I always listen to them on iTunes. Why not take two minutes to label the digital files properly so I can find them easily if I ever want to listen again? It doesn’t make sense that you would have to exert yourself to use a product — and if I’ve already paid $80 for a recording, it seems reasonable that it would at least come with the title and author already in place.
When I read a transcript of someone’s retreat or teleseminar I don’t want to slog through a bunch of random distractions. A little atmosphere is okay, but I really just need the information. So why not edit out the UMs, the YOU KNOWs and everything else that is irrelevant and distracting? It’s a small thing to delete every sentence that goes: “Um, like, hold on just a minute while I unmute you here, okay, that’s better”… and it’s totally worth it.
When I listen to someone’s teleclass(especially if I paid lots of monies for it) I really don’t need to hear all the beeps and burps and long pauses while people decide if they are ready to ask a question. Editing is the responsible, mensch-like thing to do.
It’s a joy for me to be a part of other people’s self-work process: releasing stuck patterns, finally doing stuff differently and just having fun doing it. And it’s also a joy for me to be able to give things away too. But I want these gifts to not only come packed with information, but also be so easy to use and absorb that they elicit sighs of relief! Sure, I have great material, but great material isn’t everything. The way it’s transmitted is important too.
Steven Krug, whom I greatly admire for his big, fat brain, wrote a genius book called “Don’t Make Me Think!”. The book is all about how to build a website that is a pleasure to navigate, but his theme is applicable for just about anything in business or in life
It’s all about the mensch-points!
One of Krug’s ideas is that we basically go through life consciously or unconsciously judging everything in terms of how much mensch-like it is. We’re looking for empathy and consideration because we want to feel like we are being acknowledged and cared for. When we go to a website that really speaks our language we automatically dole out “mensch points” and when we get sent to the wrong link, we feel annoyed and end up mentally deleting “mensch points”. His whole philosophy of website-usability can really be summed up in terms of how to do mensch-like stuff, so that your visitors and customers can feel safe, comfortable and loved.
Same goes for products. When they help us achieve breakthroughs, they are earning their mensch points. When they are getting on our nerves by not having dotted the Is and crossed the Ts, they are losing mensch points.
It’s also similar for human interactions. When you practice listening with compassion, or expressing your feelings, or just paying attention to what someone needs (or to what you need) in a given moment, you’re mensch-ing it up. When it’s harder for you to be present in the interaction, what’s missing is your ability to connect to your inner mensch.
Of course none of us is perfect (thank goodness!) and we can’t be. I know I’m not, though I do like to think that we are all doing the best we can where we are.
We all overlook things. We all drop the ball occasionally. We all have our moments. Sometimes we have wonky links on our websites and sometimes we have trouble communicating. Sometimes we can’t notice that we are in pain and sometimes we are so entangled in our own pain and distress that we aren’t able to pay attention to someone else’s pain and distress. Sometimes we need a good whine. Sometimes.
It all comes back to noticing and paying attention. You want to be conscious of what’s going on for you so you can recognize your patterns, let yourself have them, tweak them, work on them, and maybe even like yourself anyway.
And every once in a while, when you need a whine, let yourself have it. That’s what I do. And it feels great.
Warm greetings from Berlin! I’ll be back in California next week.
The step everyone skips on the way to calming the heck down
Step 1 on the way to calming the heck down (the one everyone skips)
Whenever you’re flipping out or just having a bit of a “moment”, the tendency is to jump in right away and search for the way out. And when you don’t find it, you feel more annoyed, more frustrated, more helpless. It happens even to those of us who have been working on these issues for years.
You want to fix the situation so you can feel better. And maybe part of you also feels guilty about the fact that you’re even having a freak-out. Or angry about not being in control. And that’s when all the shoulds start showing up:
“I should be able to handle this. It’s not even such a big deal.”
“I should know better.”
“I should be able to just snap out of this already. What’s *wrong* with me?!”
And it’s all because you’ve skipped the most important step, which is meeting yourself where you are.
Meeting yourself where you are means that you stop and say to yourself:
“You know what? Where I am, right now, is in this freak-out moment. The freak-out is temporary, of course, and it doesn’t define me, but it’s happening. This is what is going on for me right now. I’m allowed to be here.”
When you’ve recognized and acknowledged that you are in the middle of the meltdown, take a second to be there. Remind yourself that you are allowed to be feeling whatever it is you’re feeling.
You don’t have to fix anything yet.
Grumble, stooopid paradox, grumble grumble
I know, it’s pretty counter-intuitive. And probably kind of annoying, given that you understandably want to get out of the moment as soon as possible.
However, consciously acknowledging what’s going on without trying to bulldoze through it is the key to being able to let it go. If you skip this step, it’s just too easy to start fighting with yourself and forcing things on yourself. You’re in a state of resistance. And when you’re in resistance, techniques and advice are seeds that just can’t grow.
I teach all kinds of calming techniques that you’ve probably never heard of: bits of acupressure magic, little-known yoga secrets, unconventional cognitive tools, advanced self-talk techniques, plus a whole set of very powerful perception and meditation exercises. And with every single technique, it’s vital to start with the concept of meeting yourself where you are.
None of these techniques works in a vacuum. In fact, every one of them is based on the idea that we’re not trying to change the situation; it’s about helping you be in the situation. Once you’re there, you can use the techniques to their full effect and enjoy the results.
Don’t make me stop and smell any roses, goshdarnit!
A lot of times when we get stuck and try to cheer ourselves up, we fall back on the same useless, irritating phrases that other people use on us (they do mean well, but somehow don’t remember that this kind of thing doesn’t actually work).
Why do these phrases get on my nerves?
“Oh, don’t cry.”
“It’s not that bad, don’t feel bad.”
“Come on, you need to pull yourself together and snap out of it.”
“You’re bigger than that.”
“You know, in ten years you won’t even remember this.”
“Look on the bright side.”
You probably felt it as you read them; all of these phrases create resistance.
And they do this because they don’t meet you where you’re at right now. They’re trying to yank you right past your “stuck”… but “stuck” doesn’t work that way. If you are feeling sad, frustrated, hurt, fearful, upset, angry or resentful, these emotions are trying to tell you something. Instead of finding out what that thing is so you can give yourself comfort, these phrases act to suppress them. Your feelings are being told that they don’t have a right to exist.
It’s not until you give your feelings acknowledgment and legitimacy that you’re ready to move forward — to use helpful techniques, to interact with good advice, to take positive action.
The real work is getting there. Sure, silver linings abound, but you have to experience the cloud first. When life gives you lemons, you’re allowed to feel sad, frustrated and annoyed before you decide to squeeze them on your salad, plant the seeds in your yard, or ask your friend’s mother for her iced tea recipe.
Before you ask “what can I do with what these cards I’ve been dealt?”, feel what you are feeling. Once you allow yourself to be where you are, you’ll be able to start taking steps towards someplace better. And yay! Because that’s huge.
Calm techniques vs. ‘conventional wisdom’
Gee, thanks for the paradigm shift
Hanging out in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other day, I meant to catch up on some work. Instead, I got distracted by a handout called “The Top Ten Ways to Calm Down and Get Rid of Stress”. Or something like that. I don’t remember the exact wording, but it was definitely ten and definitely calm.
My first thought was, Neat! Right up my alley. Especially since I spend a great deal of my time talking people down when they’re having a “moment”, and teaching them little tricks so they can do it to themselves. I’m always curious as to what else is out there, and like to keep my eyes open in the hopes of picking up a new angle.
Well, I can’t tell you now off the top of my head what any of the ten were, just that they were all equally useless. Things like, “Don’t worry about things you can’t control” and “Focus on the positive”. Ugh. Nothing sets off my inner sarcastic smart-alec like inane bits of inadequate wisdom.
What’s the problem?
You know a piece of advice isn’t working when the only possible response is rolling your eyes. As in, “How on earth am I supposed to do that?” Or, “If I were able to instantly stop worrying about things I can’t control, I wouldn’t need a top ten list, would I?” It’s hard to imagine anyone saying, “Oh, what a relief. Thank you, I’ll just focus on the positive then. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of that myself.”
I know, it’s well-meant. And I appreciate the intention. Intention is awesome. Yet intention is only part of calming down. To be specific, it’s one of five parts. And each of these parts is more effective in conjunction with the others.
The five puzzle pieces
A lot goes into quieting the thoughts and calming the mind. One piece of it is intention — the energy behind the desire to tune into yourself and get quiet. Call this important bit the awareness piece.
Another piece is the cognitive angle. A choice bit of advice (not for the commonsensically-challenged) or a good way to reframe the situation. This is the mental piece.
There’s also meeting yourself where you’re at with a healthy dose of kindness and compassion, and then talking through your “stuff”. That’s the emotional piece.
And of course you want to do something with your body. First of all, just to help you get focused and grounded, but also because of all the “fairy dust” you can access through using pressure points to stimulate nerve endings. Using your body helps you talk to the brain. That’s the physical piece.
Then there’s all the stuff you can do that isn’t visible, like conscious breathing techniques that help the brainwaves synch up to the breathwaves, or using perception or visualization techniques to enter a state of calm. That’s the energy piece.
Putting it all together
It sounds like a lot, but that’s the way it works best. Try it:
Starting with the physical piece, plant your feet on the floor and sit up straight. Take your index and middle fingers together, and press gently but firmly right on the filtrum (the spot right under your nose and above your mouth). Keep it there as you move through the rest of the steps.
Moving to the energy piece: let your breathing slow and become more conscious. Do a quick body scan and find out if there’s any tension in the shoulders, neck or jaw you can let go of.
Now the emotional piece. “Even though there is stress in my life, and I have plenty of reasons to be freaking out right now, I’m allowed to be stressed. I want to remind myself that I’m human, I have stress like everyone else, and that I’m doing the best I can. This temporary moment of stress does not define me. I am getting better at noticing when I need support and kindness.”
Onward to the mental piece: “What would it feel like to be able to let go of some of this stress? Is it possible that there is something my stress is trying to tell me? Do I need to slow down? Do I need some more people on my team? I’m willing to use this moment to learn something useful about myself.”
Straight to the awareness piece — ask yourself for the qualities that would be most useful for you right now. Or affirm that you are open to receiving the help, strength and support that you need.
Feel just a tiny bit better? Good.
Be well.
A communication breakdown and an emergency calm technique
I know you don’t speak Yiddish but
Gaaaaaaah! You’re barely two minutes into the conversation and all of a sudden you’re in a fight. Or not in a fight, but irritable enough to get in one. The words have somehow gotten twisted together. Everything is stuck. The thing you meant is getting tangled up with the thing your partner in Miscommunication 101 thinks you meant. You’re in a plonter as they say in Yiddish. You know, a confused, messy web-like disaster. A pain in the tush of a mistake of a hard time.
Your patterns are never more present than in your communication. There’s a ton of information to pick up on — when you can stay calm enough to listen in and figure out what’s going on. And that pretty much sums up your mission when you’re working on any aspect of your issues: 1. stay centered and 2. scoop up information about your patterns so you can use it to tweak them.
In this newsletter I’ll throw out another quick, user-friendly technique for getting calm fast, but first I want to talk about a specific communication pattern that really needs some attention: the Hedge.
Excuse me, but you’re about to trip over that hedge
The “hedge” is a very useful concept, and my use of it comes courtesy of Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin (linguist, writer and one of my all-time favorite thinkers). The hedge is a linguistic maneuver that allows you to preface the thing you’re going to say with a disclaimer — it’s a kind of pre-emptive backtracking. Elgin calls it “stealing the listener’s response by predicting it and announcing the prediction.”
For example, when someone says to you, “You’re probably going to hate this idea, but …”, this person is setting up a protective shield of sorts. You either have to pretend you like the idea, or you admit you don’t like it and then the person says, “Oh, see, I knew you wouldn’t. I told you so.”
Or take Elgin’s somewhat goofier example: “I know this is a silly thing to say, but I’m afraid of plums.” The hedge obstructs the pathways of communication, makes the hedger out to be manipulative and/or insecure, and also leads to uncomfortable situations for all parties involved.
Trimming the hedge (meet the need)
What’s really being said here? A hedge is a way of saying, “promise you won’t hate me” or “promise you won’t be mad”. Which is, of course, a promise that can’t be made. What’s really happening here is a need: for understanding, acceptance, reassurance, listening or comfort. So get in there and meet the unspoken need. Speak the need out loud.
When you catch yourself about to hedge, stop and pay attention. What are you really wanting to say? What is the need hidden in your hedge? For example, “I know you’re not going to like this, but” might really mean, “I am afraid that you will be mad at me.” Recognize the emotion (fear) and the need (reassurance). Next, meet the need with some conscious, honest compassion (“Even though I have this fear, I am allowed to have fear. I’m human, this fear doesn’t define me, it’s just a temporary part of what’s going on for me right now.”).
Now that you know what the issue is and you have met your need, address the issue as an issue instead of hiding it in the shrubbery. I mean, the hedge. In this example you could say, “Hey, I want to talk with you about our finances. I’m feeling nervous bringing this up because I need to know that you are going to listen to me. I’m also afraid that you’ll be angry because last time we talked there was a lot of yelling, and I want us to get better at communicating.”
If you are NOT the Hedge-er
Someone hedging at you and it’s driving you crazy? First: meet your own need. (“Even though this is driving me crazy, I recognize that this person is having trouble expressing a fear or a need. I am allowed to have this frustration. I am getting better at practicing patience.”)
Next step: practice being a language detective! Recognize the hedge, determine the person’s need, and see what you can do to help. For example, “It seems like you are feeling worried about discussing this issue with me. Is there something I can do to make this conversation more comfortable?”
Emergency Calm Technique
Sometimes, you’re already in too much of a plonter to step out of the hedges. In this case, apply one of the emergency calm techniques that I’m always going on about. Try this one (great when you’re on the phone with a champion hedger)!
Take the index and middle fingers (both hands) to center of chin, pressing gently. Bring the thumbs directly below them to the underside of the jaw. Keep ring fingers and pinkies curled into the hands or in any other comfortable position. If you’re seated you can rest your elbows on a table or on your knees. The pressure of the fingers should be palpable, but not painful. Close your eyes and breathe slowly. Count to twelve.
Everything a tiny bit better now? It should be.
Want more? Two great resources and a chance to support your local bookstore . . .
1. Suzette Haden Elgin, The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
(Tons of useful information about how we use language, how our brains work, how to change our communication patterns).
2. Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
(A useful guide for effective communication, using compassion, honesty and integrity — the language is kinda cheesy, but the concepts are absolutely on target and you’ll get all sorts of value from this practice).
And feel free to share any of your own examples of hedge/counter-hedge.
The truth about competition
No, seriously, where are all the nut jobs?
I finally got around to watching Word Play last night — a 90 minute homage to “puzzle master” Will Shortz and his wonderful world of crosswordsmithery. “Finally” because everyone I know has already told me at least once to see it.
They were right. It was fascinating. But aside from the fun of watching smart thinkers like Ken Burns, Jon Stewart and Bill Clinton wax delirious over their daily fix of wordishness, there was something else going on there.
The thing that really stuck out was how noticeably not crazy everyone was. Sure, some of the more seasoned crossword puzzle fans were a little on the neurotic side. But that was more a case of being from New York. Or Jewish. Or both. No one seemed to have Big Issues. They just really liked their puzzles.
In Scrabble, on the other hand, you can pretty much assume that everyone’s got Issues. If you don’t believe me (or even if you do), read Word Freak: Heartbreak, Triumph, Genius, and Obsession in the World of Competitive Scrabble Players. This un-put-down-able (oh, why is that not a word?) volume is one of the most compelling explorations of addictive behavior that I’ve ever read.
I’ll give you the short version. Reporter Stefan Fatsis sets out to investigate the world of hard-core Scrabble, meets a bunch of troubled people, and ultimately becomes sucked into an obsessive, control-hungry world that is clearly limiting his ability to think straight. But he just can’t stop. And even as you scratch your head while you read, you totally identify with him.
What’s the deal?
The difference, as far as I can tell, has to do with the nature of competition.
Crossword-puzzling is generally a solitary endeavor. The extreme players time themselves, so in a sense they are always in competition with their last puzzle. But otherwise, it’s just you and the squares. Actual competition only happens once a year when the crossword puzzlers meet up at their convention. In between they do their daily puzzle. If there were five puzzles a day in the New York Times, things might be different. But the puzzlers have one puzzle a day, they do it and it’s done.
The serial Scrabblers, though, are always in competition. They play for hours every day. There are clubs in every town and competitions all over the world. Not to mention Internet sites to troll. Levels to attain. Statistics to track. Tournaments to enter. Regulation books to memorize. Scrabble has no boundaries.
And when the Scrabblers aren’t actually competing, they’re memorizing lists of words, testing themselves with anagrams and looking for anything that will give them an edge in using their brain more effectively. (I know, if they were using Shiva Nata they could take the game to a new level, but that’s not the point).
So competition is bad?
Not necessarily. When competition defines you, it’s bad. When you allow yourself to only feel as good as someone else has ranked you, that’s a problem. Bottom line: when outside legitimacy becomes the internal standard, you’re going to end up with Big Issues.
I’m not saying that Scrabble messed these people up. Many had issues before they found Scrabble. A lot of them were drawn to the world of professional Scrabble because of obsessive, detail-oriented tendencies. And if you hang out with anyone (especially yourself) for any degree of time, you are going to end up uncovering a lot of “stuff”. We all have our “stuff”. Learning how it works and what we can do about it is one of the amazing and rewarding challenges of being alive.
And competition is always going to bring up your “stuff”.
What you want to be able to do is to meet yourself where you are, with your stuff, and figure out what yet-to-be-met need is hiding underneath your stuff.
Meeting the Need — Case #1:
One of my coaching clients has a fledgling yoga teaching business. She’s dealing with a lot of angst around competition, and what-ifs about her students outgrowing her. And on top of that, there’s an extra layer of guilt for not being able to just let go of the worry. When we dug in and uncovered her needs, there was a lot asking to be acknowledged: needs for appreciation, trust, support and stability.
We took this information, and worked on creating reminders that the worry is natural, normal and temporary. Talking to the needs erased the guilt and helped the worry disappear. She realized that as her students become successful teachers in their own right, their success reflects back to her, and also gives her the opportunity to help them with their own competition issues when that time comes. Without the worry, the situation reframed itself practically on its own.
Meeting the Need — Case #2:
There was a nice piece in the most recent issue of Inc. Magazine in which Norm Brodsky gives advice to a guy who had just learned that Starbucks was moving in around the corner from his tiny cafe. Of course Inc. isn’t into the whole “need oriented” approach, but it’s clear from the article that the owner’s needs were to feel 1. safe and 2. appreciated.
Brodsky helped the owner meet these needs by reminding him of the power of the personal story behind the business. Together they were able to take advantage of the unique ingredients that make his warm, homey, happy coffee shop what it is. Meeting the owner’s needs uncovered the differentiator. Focusing on the home-grown, community-oriented face of his business helped the coffee shop owner set off on a successful campaign to champion the cafe. Sure, the Starbucks is there, but he doesn’t worry anymore.
Letting go of the need for outside legitimacy
Need-meeting is hard. It’s scary to look at places of hurt and vulnerability. That’s why it’s normal to want to ignore them or bulldoze through them. The trick is being willing to practice saying to yourself, “Okay, here I am. Here’s my stuff. Here’s what’s going on for me right now. How can I help?”
The truth is, there is always competition.
If you’re dealing with people around you who need to do everything better than you do, just recognize their need for acknowledgment. Recognize your own need for acknowledgment. Give yourself the support and encouragement you need so that you can separate your “stuff” from their “stuff”.
And if you’re dealing with business competition, there will be times when you’ll need to work hard to differentiate yourself. And there will be times when you’ll need to work hard to recognize the goals and dreams you and your competitors have in common. The most important thing is that through the entire process your focus is on your needs: figuring out what they are and how you can meet them.
A useful reminder phrase: “Even though I’m stuck in this competition cycle, I am ready to let go of the need for outside legitimacy, so that I can be the one to remind myself how great I am.”
It’s counter-intuitive, but it works. And here’s the zinger of the paradox: the better you are at releasing the need for outside legitimacy, the more likely you are to receive praise and support from others. The trick is developing an internal system of encouragement and support that feels real for you. Anything from the outside is just a pleasant reflection of that system, but it doesn’t determine your value. The good stuff comes from within.
Take your time. The best practice is just looking for a need in any given situation, and letting that need talk to you. This communication will help you come up with great answers. And later you can take those answers and, if it still seems important to you, kick butt on the Scrabble board. Or in my case, the Boggle board. As they say in the yoga world, it’s all practice.