What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Deliciously Unhurried, Purposefully Striding
Reflecting on taking it all to the river and then letting it go, with love
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Deliciously Unhurried, Purposefully Striding
Entry, slow
It is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year, or it was when I was writing this the other day, and I am entering slowly. Slow entry.
Themes of releasing, themes of acknowledging and adding legitimacy, themes of sorrow (for me, this is a hard time of year for me), themes of entering as we wish to be in it.
I have been working with the idea of being Deliciously Unhurried in my approach.
And I am trying to combine this with Purposefully Striding.
Combining opposites that maybe aren’t opposites at all
So I am unhurried (deliciously) and also purposeful (and striding), and considering the interplay between these, as well as interplay, more generally.
What if there is no paradox, only interplay.
That too is a theme. Hello, new year.
Hello, new year
Hello, new year.
May things get better, swiftly and speedily, for everyone in harm’s way which is many people right now, and us, and for our loving hearts.
It is a hard time to be. Hard and heart-breaking.
And, also, here we are. A breath for entry, for courage, for whatever is needed, and in the right amount at the right time. May it be so.
Even slower than that
What does the superpowers of Deliciously Unhurried, Even Slower Than That look like?
This is related to my forever new years wish that I wish both at my new year, Rosh HaShana, on the calendar that I follow, and on the January new year when the numbers change on the other calendar.
I follow a calendar, calendars follow me, times move and things change.
Well, things change or they don’t, or a little of both. Here we are.
Intention, attention, attentiveness, spaciousness
My intention is to make (make?) more time for noticing.
Regardless of the correct verb, my focus is devoting more time to arriving, breathing, grounding, transitioning, moving as skillfully and purposefully as I can, if I can, between movements and activities.
And observing myself in my relationship with these moments and experiences.
Let make = build in, allow for, remember that this extra time is needed, especially for my ADHD self who wildly underestimates how long things actually take…
This asks me to pause (for sweetness! for admiration!)
This asks me to pause and admire how playful and inventive I can be in relation to time, how lost I can get in time, how my relationship with time itself wants more time…
Good job, babe, I say to myself, I am watching you navigating this world, boldly and cautiously at once, with your synesthesia brain that sees time and also can’t feel into how long anything takes.
Making space for myself, with sweetness, when I can. This is also a form of deliciously unhurried.
A breath for that practice, which is sometimes an option and sometimes can feel very far away. Both are okay.
Purposeful
What are the superpowers of Purposeful Striding and how do they relate to this new year?
I think sometimes when I let myself really soften into Deliciously Unhurried, I get scared by how subversive it is and remains to do less in a culture that always wants more.
Here we are, in our hustle-and-grind productivity world, where everyone I know is so burnt out they are barely coping, and even that seems like its own coping mechanism…
Maybe because it’s so reasonable to avoid as hard and fast as possible right now. Who wants to pause when pausing means we have to see how bad things are, in the world and in our world?
Challenging times, challenging and unnerving
Challenging and unnerving times for real.
And this feels like a very understated way of phrasing things to me.
Here we are, here we are, in the challenging times, here I am not wanting to pause and breathe, afraid that if I let myself stop I won’t be able to start again.
This is when it helps to drop a question into the waters
So I asked a question about what I can combine with Deliciously Unhurried to ease this fear that if I pause I will never find a rhythm again…
To ease this panicked sense that if I let myself pause and take in the gravity of the many horrors and scary moments, I will be frozen in fear, unable to act, unable to run…
A breath for these challenging times. A breath for this very understandable tendency or pull towards avoidance. I love you. I say this to myself and to anyone reading who might need to hear it.
Purposefully Striding
The image that came up in response to my question was walking across the dance floor to dance with a favorite dance partner.
”I love your purposeful striding,” The Arborist says. “I love how you know what you want and move right towards it.
Sometimes other people can see us better than we can perceive ourselves, especially if they love us a lot.
If I can stay Deliciously Unhurried and keep moving with purpose (and love) towards my yeses, maybe even with some grace and some integrity? Well, that has some oomph to me. That holds some hope for me.
If this is helpful and hopeful for you as well, please take some of this combo, and if not then this is an invitation to feel into your own blend of qualities that brings you something good.
Four poems
Here are the poems I am reading as part of my Slow Entry into the new year.
The Birthday Of The World (Give me weapons of minute destruction)
I read The Birthday Of The World out loud at the river, to the river, to myself, and cried.
Much to digest
The Birthday Of The World, Thanks, The Cure For It All, Lie Down.
Four poems that come together into a new poem.
Much to digest, but in a good way.
I like imagining all four of these poets, or all four of these poems, hanging out, having a picnic and twinkling at each other.
Let us twinkle at poetry, let us read it by the waters, how’s that for a new year wish.
Into the waters
Long-time readers here where I have been uploading (what a word) my writing and thoughts since 2004, know that my favorite part of the Jewish new year, and my favorite ritual generally is tashlich.
Tashlich is when we take our regrets to the river or any body of moving water, and toss them into the flow of the stream, sometimes in the form of pebbles, sometimes in the form of bread crumbs.
As a resident of the southwest (in the United States), my personal minhag (tradition, custom) is to use the crushed up tortilla chip remains from the bottom of the bag…
Memories being remembered
Usually I wander the Gila wilderness until I find an appropriate creek, and this ritual, that is intended to be communal, is a solo act. Me and the sky, the trees, the water, the whistling of wind through canyon.
Last year the person who loved me drove me over an hour away to their favorite hidden spot on the Gila river, beneath a canopy of swaying branches. We balanced on river rocks and birds played in formations overhead.
It was sparkly and magical, the rare gift of a perfect day in memory, set in my mind as if preserved in amber.
“Let’s do this every year forever,” they suggested and I agreed to this, and then, six weeks later, they didn’t love me anymore, which was mysterious and confusing, and it was challenging to not think about this as I made my way to the river this year.
Now is not then
This year I am in Oregon, and I was able to go to the river with two dear friends, in community, among dozens of beautiful fellow throwers-of-crumbs and tossers-of-pebbles.
It was a comfort to know that I was among not only my people, but the politically progressive branch of my people, whose collective sorrow, with mine, includes our horror and fury and grief over the genocide and starvation in Gaza, and I could feel us raging-and-sorrow-ing together…
The small comforts are not nothing.
Releasing, receiving
At the river I cried about missing my mother, and I cried about being alone and not being alone, and I cried about the latest Etgar Keret short story that I am not going to link to because it is too shattering, but it is called The First Angel You See.
And mainly I cried about all the psychic damage of these times and not being able to do enough or anything for the people I care about.
The river took all of it with great love, to be passed along to source, and the energy was moving, and the shofar was blown, and wishes for better [everything] were flown like kites, and it was a beautiful day, to be added to the memory chest.
Entry, slow and steady
A breath for all of this.
Deliciously Unhurried. Deliberately Striding. The interplay between the two. Interplay, generally.
What would you like for this new year, whether you are following this calendar or another one? What are we inviting in and letting go of, and, more importantly perhaps, how are we entering?
What qualities do we wish to name or invite-invoke-conjure? This to me is a form of blessing, the way we can call on words to be a form of RESONANCE that shifts our internal state…
Resonance. Resonance. Resonance. I am here, alive.
I am here, alive, breathing, tasting hope on the tip of my tongue.
Resonance
Resonance.
Breath.
Steadiness.
Sweetness.
Love.
Tenderness.
Readiness (to fight, to hope, to be present).
Grace.
Deliberate and striding. Unhurried and delicious. What beautiful wishes.
May it be so
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, bingo card wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
The art of a better container
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
The art of a better container
Talking to myself (just talking
I was talking to my car on the way to dropping it off car at a new-to-me mechanic.
“You love spa day,” I reminded my car. “This is kind of like spa day except instead of getting washed and cleaned, someone new is going to give you a loving checkup and make everything right. This place comes highly recommended by my friend The Arborist, who has driven you on three different occasions, and you liked that, remember?”
Mainly I was reassuring myself. Star Car is even-keeled by nature and takes everything in stride, even a collision with an elk on a dark night by a ravine.
“Be good, babe!” I said after I handed the key to a stranger.
Cool and dark and in the right place
Then I meandered for nearly an hour and found my way to a chapel where I sat in the quiet stillness of space, of that particular space, and sobbed for a very long time.
As one does in a chapel.
It was cool and dark in the chapel. I sat in the front pew and waited for the crying jag to pass, which it did, eventually.
I thought about the word SPACE, and how, in Hebrew, one of the names for god is hamakom, which is The Place or The Space, maybe even The Location.
Which always makes me smile: I am always in the right place. I am always right here. And also I can move.
Always in the right place or space
Yes, I am always in the right place. I am always right here. And also I can move.
Sometimes sobbing it out is being in the right place or space. Sometimes you are in the right place or space to be able to sob it all out.
Sometimes the thing I need most in the moment is to acknowledge that what I need most is to be somewhere else. And then, if I am lucky, I can act on that information.
What if it’s a trap!
I personally have a known tendency to think everything is a trap and then I want to run away!
Sometimes that is also a form of [yes, leaving the wrong place gets me to the right place], because I am always in the right place.
And sometimes this tendency to always be seeking an escape plan or perceiving that I need one is something I need to soften, or at least run a little reality check.
I am wary, always seeking sanctuary and other forms of protection spells…
Protection spells
May The Place have mercy on me is a form of please protect me (hamakom yerachem alay).
Asking for sanctuary from within a sanctuary space.
A sanctuary space meaning (possibly) the literal chapel I found myself in for that storm of sobbing.
A sanctuary space meaning (possibly) my beautiful heart.
A sanctuary space meaning (possibly) god, if that’s a word you use, or source, if that’s a word you use, or universe, if that’s a word you use, or this sense of place, of internal belonging, if that’s useful, who knows…
Temple space
From the David Whyte poem The house of belonging…
This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.
There is no house
like the house of belonging.
— David Whyte
Belonging, in space
Space like the temple of my adult aloneless.
Space like the places of belonging to myself.
Belonging like being a part of. Belonging like being in the longing, in the craving-missing-desiring of this internal sense of comfort and being held.
Belonging, in space.
Be Longing: in space.
This is the place. This must be the place. In the Talking Heads song sense of she lifted up her wings, this must be the place. What a blessing.
Paradoxically
I went looking for a place called paradox, and, paradoxically, could not find it.
It could not be found, at least by me.
But then, also paradoxically, or perhaps extremely appropriately, I ended up at a place called Heretic.
Which might be the exact right place (superpower of I am always in the right place) for a jewish person who just sobbed their lungs out in a technically non-denominational but christian-coded chapel.
No crosses in sight but you could really feel how much someone had wanted them to be there, if that makes sense.
Anyway
Anyway, I sobbed in the chapel, and asked The Place for mercy, for compassion, for Loving Clarity, for wise counsel, for comfort, for presence and grace, for support in trusting that I am in the right place or that I can head to a new place and that will be right too…
And then I went to be a heretic at Heretic, because I couldn’t find the place called paradox.
On the way I met a surprise amphitheater. I love an amphitheater.
Paradoxically, or not, here are the themes
Here are the themes from this morning’s yoga class:
- Say No More
- Reclaim Your Joy
- (which I translate as say no more in order to reclaim your joy)
- (and reclaim your joy through saying no, more)
- (and while we are at it, why not Say No More in the scene of [say: NO MORE!], as in no more of this nonsense, I am done, moving on, I have moved on
- Let Your Heart Lead
- Remembering that your heart is also in your back, not just your front, so leading doesn’t necessarily happen in the direction you think it might, just center in heart, feel into where it wants to lead you, all meanings
- and then we did a bunch of shoulder flossing which I needed much more than I thought I did
ABCs
A few weeks ago I introduced a friend to a very favorite taco place, and if you know me at all, then you know this is something dear to my heart.
They ordered the ABCs of tacos (adovada, birria, carnitas) and I made a joke about how the ABCs of tacos work well with the ABCs of travel, always asking what is A Better Container.
A better container can be a lot of things, the right vessel, the right tool for the job, the right place to stay, the right tote bag, the right state of mind.
For example, a fun way to travel is ROAD TRIP NO RULES!
Dessert for pre-breakfast! Maple syrup on everything!
Or whatever feels whimsical and fun in the moment. This can be playful. The entire experience of being in pursuit of a better container can be very light-hearted if you let it.
Something about trust
I went and visited my favorite bridge, the one that tells me things that shake up my life, and it said:
TRUST YOUR OWN PACE
(TRUST YOUR OWN PACE MORE)
This reverberated through my bones.
I have a long drive home to New Mexico, and a lot of new information to assimilate, and I have been focused on the most efficient way to get there fast but not burnt out.
What if I trusted my own pace more????
What if fast and efficient aren’t even the right qualities? What if I am always, paradoxically or not, in the right place, or at least adjacent to the right place, or able to tune in to my own heart and figure out where I am drawn to be next?
Something about reverberation
Two things hit me so very hard in yoga class, which is to say they reverberated right through my bones, like the bridge wisdom.
One was that David Whyte poem about ”this is the temple of my adult aloneness, and I belong to that aloneness…”
This is not my first encounter with that poem but this was the time that it reverberated right through me…
I could feel my heart blossoming towards this poem, or the poem being an explosion of blossoms in my heart space.
This must be the place.
Something about a clue that is many clues
And the second reverberation came when the teacher said:
“Be a lookout / be on the watch for any places of tension that are unnecessary”
And I laughed delightedly because probably they all are? Unnecessary that is…
But also because what came up in that moment was all the many sources of tension in my life and not in the pose which is probably what the teacher actually meant by that.
This must be the place!
This must be the place!
This must be the place. Where the tension is.
But also where my heart can lead, and in any direction, if I listen.
Isn’t that beautiful.
What if I can be the lookout. What if I am the sanctuary space? What if my own heart is or could be the place I am running to when I need to run away?
In other words, what if I am ready to run towards…
Yes, what a beautiful direction. Let us pursue towards, and find a better container, and then another one.
This must be the case (this must be the place)
A better container like a sanctuary space. A better container like a heart container.
This makes me think of an old friend I am no longer friends with, a bodywork person, who would never use the word rib cage because they objected to the idea of a cage around the heart. So they always made a point of referring to the rib case.
As in: my heart has this lovely case, in the same way that a guitar has a case.
My heart is sheltered by the case, just in case
My heart is sheltered by the case.
Just in case, my heart is in this case.
I am on the case! Of the mysteries of my heart. And so on.
Encased. Held. But not trapped. This is not a trap. This is a place to get quiet and listen, to hang out.
Sanctuary for me and for my sweet heart and for all the trauma of [being alive and experiencing things], yes, this must be the case.
What is needed / what is next
I am going to keep journaling on all these themes, and I hope you will join me.
Or maybe any of these ideas/words/concepts/notions will be a reverberation spark for you, and you might want to follow that rabbit hole to wherever it ends up taking you, I hope somewhere delightful.
In fact, I hope it delights you so much that you also perceive you have the superpower of always in the right place or moving yourself to an even-more right place, a better container.
May it be so, or something even better.
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, bingo card wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Beaming / Interview with a Beam
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Interview with a beam
Accidental Assertiveness Training (here at the AAT)
Over the past few weeks I have been immersed in Assertiveness practices.
Or maybe it’s better to say, I have been given situation after situation, handed opportunity after opportunity, to work on this, whether I want to or not. And apparently I do want this.
Or maybe it’s better to say, sometimes you sign up for the advanced practice, and sometimes you get knocked into the ring.
Or maybe it’s better to say: a beam
Or maybe it’s better to say, I am in the process of learning how to be a beam of light.
Which is to say, I am practicing being a beam of light: concentrated, powerful, direct, clear.
Well-boundaried, because that is the nature of a beam, it takes up the amount of space it takes up, and it glows its boundaries without that work being effortful.
A beaming beam is always beaming.
A light source. Light-sourced. The source is source.
Or is it another kind of beam
Or maybe it’s better to say, I am practicing being a sturdy wooden beam: just there, part of a larger support structure, all the parts supporting all the other parts.
Like a beam, I am of the earth and from the earth, to one day return to earth, can I get better at remembering that I am earth.
Saying yes to being a beam that is a building block.
What is a beam / what’s in a beam
I am thinking about a funny day from last summer when my brother and I were dealing with the house that had been accumulating [belongings, a funny word] for fifty two years, without ever having been emptied…
The basement took several weeks to empty, and once it was empty, I had the odd experience of looking up and encountering a beam.
Not of light, the wooden kind of beam. A structural beam.
And on this beam was written, in my mother’s handwriting, in all caps: BEAM!
BEAM!
A delicious and compelling mystery
Why did my mother write the word BEAM on a beam? Why the exclamation point?
She has been dead for eleven years and the only other person I might ask about this has a ten second memory, so there is no way to know.
Was this related to a house project that never came to pass? Did it mean, don’t think about doing anything here, there’s an important beam!
Or was it one of her little jokes, did she also find it funny that beam is a noun and beam is a verb? Maybe.
I mean, for sure she would find that very funny, but I don’t see that being the reason she got on a ladder to write this message for [an unknown recipient], who turned out to be me.
The many mysteries
Many things are unsolvable.
I place it all lovingly into the cauldron of It Solves Itself, and then it does or it doesn’t. Solve itself, that is.
Or maybe it is all simmering in this solution (double-meaning) so that something can resolve itself later on.
What am I noticing & learning in my interactions with [being a beam]
What am I learning in my accidental assertiveness training?
I can tell you what is working:
Regularly checking in with myself to make sure I’m not saying yes to a no. Regularly saying things like, hey here are my considerations/concerns here.
And pausing as often as possible, so that I can notice when I am trying to accommodate when accommodating is not my job and does not serve being in my own beam of radiance.
All this is working.
Something about false ease or a facsimile of ease
What else is on my board of red strings, like I am the conspiracy theory gif guy, piecing it all together…
Noticing: on the surface it seems like it’s so much easier to not be assertive than to be assertive.
As in: Just make do! Go along to get along! Be flexible and easy! I can do this. I can excel at this.
However, the actual price, in energy and in all ways, of not being assertive is much higher. It’s pretty much always worth it for me to just say my piece. Certainly better than to hold my peace.
True ease comes from the clarity of I got clear on what I want and need, shared that information in a neutral way with others, and we all benefit from that exchange.
Translation time
What do I mean by ASSERTIVE? What is my own personal definition or ideal definition of the quality that I want to channel here?
Assertive = Clear, Candid, Radically Poised.
It means: I get quiet, tune in & listen then act on what is received.
It is not about being brash or overly chutzpadik, though if that’s what it takes to get my point across then sure.
So i need to translate this in my brain: it ACTUALLY CREATES MORE EASE to say what i want and need than it is to contort and accommodate and work around what I perceive other people want.
Who is the self who beams?
Who is the self of Radically Poised / a well-boundaried beam of light and love, the version of me who finds it easier to be deliciously assertive?
Residual pain
I was humming about various fears around assertiveness, like what if I am misunderstood, my biggest fear, and people think that I am being obnoxious or demanding?
Or what if everyone hates me and then I am at risk of BANISHMENT.
Noticing there is some residual pain from being on the receiving end of the outdated Jewish divorce rituals that I had to go through at a too-young-for-that-shit age, not that any age is the right time…
Remembering my husband throwing the paper at me and saying megureshet megureshet megureshet
Like a spell
Like a spell: You are divorced x3
But really, more or less, it is saying: you are banished, you are cast out. Sure, you are liberated and free but also you are being sent away…
He didn’t want to throw the paper at me or say the words, but we gritted our teeth and got through it.
Reversals & reconfigurings
How do we reverse the banishment spells, real and perceived, that accumulate over the course of a lifetime, the hurts of rejection, the grief, the despair…
How do we reverse whatever brought us to the point of gritted teeth life? Some new spells are needed. Some solutions of undoing and reconfiguring.
No more days of gritting
I have a friend who never wants to go home, and when it’s time for them to go home, they say, “well now it’s time”, but you can feel how their teeth grit.
Actually it is more than one friend in this situation.
I have also lived in the gritting places, the friction places.
And if we take this idea more on a metaphorical plane and less in the literal sense of HOME, there are still places in my life where I grit teeth and go along to get along.
What if we wanted better for ourselves the same way that I want better for my friends?
Let’s talk to the self who beams
Hi there, beam who beams. I am going to call you Beam. What does Beam wish to share with me?
Beam says:
“Trust the Known Knowns. You can always list what is already known. Work within those parameters, and also stay open to the idea that they can shift later.”
“To be a radiant beam of light, you have to stay alert and aware to what drains your energy, and be willing to shift location / venue / mood speedily.”
And what do the shadow selves say?
Let’s talk to Jolene, since everyone seems to think I am Jolene-shaped lately, even though my interest in taking someone’s man is as nonexistent if not more than my ability to do so even if I wanted to, which I do not.
Okay, let’s talk to Jolene
Jolene Self says: Go full Jolene. Turn it up to eleven. Experience me.
Recognize that other people’s jealousy, projections, narratives etc have nothing to do with you.
If they are afraid of what they think is your power, all that means is they are afraid of their own power, or afraid to be powerful generally.
Or maybe, equally, they could be afraid that no one has any power, including them, and that life just happens, and sometimes the person you love falls out of love with you and it fucking sucks and there isn’t anything that can or could be done.
It’s okay to be a muse
Me: Yes. I experienced that last fall, that someone fell out of love with me for seemingly no reason, and now it is fall again, and I am noticing all the trepidation around that.
Jolene self: Be me. Wear sexy boots. Laugh at shadows.
Be me. Enjoy vitality and aliveness. Red lips and take no prisoners.
Be me. Smash some walls. Be a wrecking ball of love. Leave the party early without saying goodbye.
Let people write songs about you while knowing that they don’t know the story at all. They are inventing something new and that is art. It’s okay to be a Muse, and it’s okay to be amused.
Well-boundaried as in being a well
I am a Beautifully Boundaried Bell.
Well-boundaried as in being a well, drawing from the well, staying well.
A beaming beam of light and love.
I choose love and to love life and be love and be life (to be a bell).
Be(ing) a bell
And some of the people who have left my life will return to my life in right timing just like my long-lost friend did, and others will not, and I don’t need to sweat it, I just need to light candles and incense to burn away residue.
I can put all these seemingly troubled or confusing situations into the cauldron of It Solves Itself, with love, and practice not making things about me and not worrying and letting things be. Let them be.
Be a bell and be love and loved.
What does BEAM wish to share?
What does BEAM the well-boundaried glowing beam of light & love wish to share? What do they already know vis a vis what we know that they want us to know?
+ It’s Easy If You Do What You Want
+ Into The Cauldron Of It Solves Itself
+ Say it with kindness if/when you can, and the more important part is just fucking saying it
+ Practice some good Nourishing Entry
+ Call on the energy of that Elmo gif with the flames behind them
Sometimes I am the flame and sometimes I am what is burning
As my wise friend Kat remarked re that Elmo imagery:
“Sometimes I am the flames and sometimes I am Elmo and sometimes I am whatever is being burned in the background!”
Yes, it is like the Jungian dream analysis style where every character and object in your dream represents you.
What if we can be or contain all these elements at once
What if we can be all these things at once?
Love and assertiveness, Dolly and Jolene, the one who sets something on fire, and the energy that is asking to be transformed?
What if we can play our way into solutions, into a good third way, into some loving clarity, into a new realm of what might be possible?
Into expansiveness, beaming our way there together
I think there is some expansiveness here for us, if we let it be there, and maybe, paradoxically or not at all, the practice of being beautifully well-boundaried might even be what allows for that expansiveness.
Let’s beam our way to something better, however clumsily this might go at first. It’s all practice, we are allowed to wobble and plop as we try new things.
There is an expansiveness to that too, a beautifully boundaried container to that too, a beam of light to that too.
Here’s to being surprised by beautiful, simple, elegant solutions, and to generating even more, through taking exquisite care of ourselves, may it be so, or something even better.
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, full moon wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
New Moon Bingo, Union and Reunion
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
New Moon Bingo, Union and Reunion
Wrecking ball o’clock
I was driving to yoga class to see Sasha.
Sasha who begins class with “I LOVE YOU, EACH OF YOU. I LOVE YOU. THERE, NOW WE BROKE THAT WALL!”
I love Sasha back. I love them for saying that. Mainly I love them for being an enthusiastic breaker of walls, I love their giddy, gleeful wall-breaking energy, it is delightful to be around.
A bit like a golden retriever who is also a wrecking ball. Of love.
Everything is going to break but we are really going to laugh while it’s happening.
Driving
Driving, on my way to be deliciously broken, by love. Smash me up, gently and with sweet compassion.
That’s where the reconfiguring begins.
Time for some good reconfiguring.
Adjacent to unanticipated reminders of death
A car passed me somewhat aggressively, and it was a hearse, which seemed funny. Like not funny-funny.
But also: who exactly is in a hurry in this vehicle? Yes, that is funny.
Why are any of us in such a hurry towards a final destination, or towards anything? The fact that there is still time, or might be, theoretically, is itself an astonishing gift if I pause to think about it.
If I pause for the pausing.
The hearse stopped and I was pausing, behind it.
Death
The hearse was just standing in the road, and I was feeling impatient, because I wanted to get to yoga class, the place where I practice death, and being destroyed (in a good way, lovingly) by love.
And other reconfigurations of self.
This too was funny to me. Noticing: I am in a hurry to go practice being still. Still, in corpse pose.
Keep it moving!
Meanwhile, waiting for the death carriage to keep it moving.
What a life this life is. Many funny-poignant moments hiding in plain sight, if you pause, which people quite often do not like to do.
Or: culture does not like us to pause. We might notice too much about how we feel.
Parked poetry
The hearse was right next to a parked car, next to the bumper, which had a bumper sticker:
DEATH TO FALSE PIZZA
The juxtaposition was tremendous. The poetry. So good.
So I did that
The poet Rumi said: Close your eyes, fall in love, stay there.
So I did that.
I did it for a while. That’s another way to break a wall, or to be revived.
Laughter and breaking, laughter in the breaking
I did that and thought about death vs death to false pizza, and how I myself was on my way to practice [final relaxation], and love.
Yes, I did that. Which is to say: I closed my eyes, fell in love with life, and stayed there, for a moment at least.
Like Sasha would say, but saying it to life:
I LOVE YOU. THERE, I SAID IT. WE BROKE THAT WALL.
Mmmmmm. The poetry, again.
To life. To life!
The poetry, and also the laughter
Death to false pizza!
What a thing to put on a car in this time of seemingly everything actually dying. It wasn’t funny but also it was somehow very funny.
I laughed so hard I startled myself, then called my brother to tell him about it and hear his laugh, the best laugh in the entire world. And I made it to yoga right on time.
Old school old school
In high school, in Michigan, they handed out bumper stickers that said “A lot of teenagers are dying for a drink”, which I guess was supposed to raise awareness about drunk driving?
Just looked this up online and you can buy it on ebay, where it is listed as VINTAGE. Kill me now.
To life!
Pieces
I remembered the boy I was sort of sometimes in a romance with, back in those VINTAGE DAYS, whose name is the same name as most recent ex of terrible illogical heartbreak last year, not that heartbreak ever has a logic to it.
More specifically I remembered the day they gave us those bumper stickers, and how he cut his bumper sticker up into pieces and rearranged them on his car.
A reconfiguring.
Newly rearranged, now the bumper sticker suggested: DRINK FOR A DYING TEENAGER.
Reconfigurings
I thought about this, while waiting for the hearse, on my way to have Sasha declare love for me (and everyone, and life) in a way that would make me cry, before practicing death, and re-emerging into life.
Death to false pizza could just as easily be pizza to false death.
So many things can be reconfigured.
Many of them should.
Sometimes the reconfiguring is the healing. Sometimes the reconfiguring emerges from the healing process.
Everything has components
Everything has components, and the components can be moved around.
This can be hard to remember. And yet, there it is.
Everything is a pattern, and patterns can be rearranged.
Patterns can be lovingly interrupted. Patterns can reconfigure, and bring about or invite further healing downstream.
All of this is the essence of self-fluency.
The anagram generator is reading my texts
I mean, probably not, but it feels like it.
I had a deadline, and the deadline was stressing me out, so I put the world DEADLINES into the anagram generator, and received in return:
Ideal Dens, Ideal Send, Leaded Sin, Sailed End, Leads Dine, Idle Sedan, SLAIN DEED, A Need Slid, Senile Dad…
Which all feel relevant to my many current situations.
I especially love Slain Deed. Let’s get the assassin on this!
What if / and so on
What if the dead in deadline is like death to false pizza?
Or death like shavasana, final resting pose in yoga, where you go dark, you restore to be revived, you revive to be restored, and so on.
Maybe deadlines aren’t as scary as all that. Maybe they just need to be reconfigured.
A need slid. Let’s reset and restart.
Let’s find some ideal dens. Let’s line things up, and play dead, but only for the sake of play. And so on.
Back to Rumi, always
“Don’t move the way fear makes you move. Move the way love makes you move.” – Rumi
As Sasha would say: I LOVE YOU. LET’S START THERE.
Can I say this to myself when I am afraid? Can I say this to myself when I am not afraid?
Can I move the way love makes me move? In the world, and in this moment?
Maybe. Or at least, I can try. I can drop the seed in and wait, behind the hearse, next to the bumper sticker, listening to my brother’s delightful raucous cackling at the absurdity of it all. Amazing.
Medical forms of dead lines
I had to fill out scary-to-me medical forms for a thing I am taking care of this week. Please light any and all candles for only good news and all ease.
This was not enjoyable. Though I do like forms, and changing forms. So there’s that.
The arborist put Medical Form into the anagram generator and came back with Calm Fried Om, which is a pretty accurate description of how I feel about this.
Calm. And Fried. And Om.
All of it at once.
All of it at once
All of it at once.
Death to false pizza. Death to lines (deadlines).
Symbolic death practice to be revived, reset and restart. Saying goodbye to things that are done. Or letting them beautifully reconfigure.
And so on.
Take an axe, for example
Back to Rumi, who said:
Inside this new love, die. Your way begins on the other side. Become the sky. Take an axe to the prison wall. Escape. Walk out like someone suddenly born into color. Do it now.
Yes.
What if we joyfully take an axe to the various prison walls — of consciousness, of culture, of perception, of old ways?
Possibly in the same way that Sasha is a wrecking ball of love.
Or in another way
In the way of a wrecking ball of love.
Or in the way of the anagram generator.
Or in the same way that my high school whatever-that-was cut up a bumper sticker to make poetry.
Or in an entirely new way. There are options.
Many ways things can change shape and reconfigure. This can seem scary, and also: what if it felt hopeful? It is, or can be, that too.
Union
I was in Astoria, Oregon, on my way to Union, Washington, and stopped by a place I used to live years ago to brush teeth and freshen up.
Also I flirted with the shy butch receptionist, because I hadn’t yet ruined anyone’s life that day — in a good way, in the wrecking ball of love way, by being an epipen of vitality & joie de vivre, which is a thing I am really good at doing, and I am not good at most things but I am good at this.
Order was restored. I love to be a flirtatious wrecking ball of aliveness. Sometimes I forget that, living out in the wilderness alone, but I have remembered and it is delightful.
I reunited with myself, en route to Union. Poetry, again.
The Bridge
The bridge that always talks to me had things to say, and I found it very funny that the Bridge keeps telling me to rejoice in being A SOLO ACT when I am headed to UNION.
My friend Laura said: Ok mystic bridge! Union with the divine whilst solitary!
Yes, that’s another delightfully paradoxical practice…
Like pretending to enter death in order to wake up and feel more alive, and that being the reason I go to yoga, and how I ended up following a hearse to a clue about death (to false pizza).
Everything can be reconfigured. Everything can be a good clue. There is room for the paradoxical, there is room for the improbably improbable, there is room for things to get zany.
Union and not-union
Union (a tiny town in Washington state) was characterized by much bickering.
I can look at people I love and see some potential future reconfigurings in their lives and in mine that could also be a form of poetry. Or not.
Who knows if people will pause to pay attention to the many clues, the possible beautiful rearrangings of words, shapes, scenarios, relationships, patterns…
I continued on my way north to see another friend and be an epipen of vitality for them, a Mary Poppins of let’s choose towards life, and then I returned, which itself was a reconfiguration.
New Moon Bingo
“I did not have finding you again on my new moon bingo card,” my long-lost beloved friend said to me.
And yet, there I was. There we were. Reconfigured, reunited. A Union and a Reunion.
And what if we were brave and put our wishes onto bingo cards? A new moon bingo card, for example.
A bingo card of Expansiveness. A bingo card of being a Beautifully Boundaried Beam of Light. A bingo card of surprise delights and delightful surprises.
Let’s play.
The Egg & I
This is a name of a road in Washington State, and I called my brother so he could look up the origin story, and here it is.
I have begun using this as sort of a code phrase to get me to do things. As in, I have an imaginary companion even as I am a solo act. We do things together.
The Egg and I are filling out medical forms. The Egg and I are making cards for New Moon Bingo. The Egg and I are headed to yoga.
What if
What if there are no deadlines or dead lines.
What if there is just flow and union and being an epicenter of vitality and Let Us Choose Life (which sometimes we do by practicing being dead, like a line, and then starting over).
What if a line can be beautifully boundaried, and the various deadlines can reconfigure themselves beautifully?
Last week The Egg and I missed a deadline and it was okay. The Egg and I also missed writing here and being here with you, and now we are back. It was a big time of reconfiguring, and that was okay too.
Reminders
I might get a [death to false pizza] sticker as a reminder of this trip and its Slain Deeds and its many clues about life and choosing life after briefly pretending to be dead, or forgetting what it is like to feel alive.
Which happens.
It happens and it is part of the ongoing process of being a human and existing, aka a process of learning about yourself and the world and how you want to cultivate a relationship with yourself and others, how we want to show up…
How do we want to show up? We forget, and we remember, and re-remember, and reconfigure, and it’s beautiful and sometimes sad, and also sometimes thrilling.
I LOVE YOU. Let’s break that wall. Let’s breathe a breath of wonder together, and remember.
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, bingo card wishes, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Ongoing investigations into the art of the third way
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Ongoing investigations into the art of the third way
This is one of those weeks
Sometimes, often even, I think I want to write about one thing, and then I sit down for Writing Hour(s), and it turns out I want to write about something entirely other than the theme that has been consuming me and my attention all week.
And when I say consuming, I mean that it has been consuming my mind in a good way. A delicous obsession.
But then something else feels more vital in the moment of writing hour, and so I follow that instead.
This is one of those weeks.
A breath for entry
I thought I wanted to explore more on last week’s themes related to ”how do we keep on existing and doing the mundane tasks of this world while it is on fire, and the horrors are so horrific…”
And also for us to keep thinking about surprising moments of transcendence, grace and activated presence.
Luckily, a favorite writer, Etgar Keret, touched on this, a little, and quite movingly, in a way that is more beautiful and compelling than wherever I might have been going with this theme…
So I will direct you to his just-right words, even just-right in translation, and I will mull on a different but not wholly unrelated theme that has been in play for me lately.
A breath for entry
A breath for existing in hard times, and a breath for approaching from the edges.
A breath for entry, and sometimes the entry is sideways or circuitous, but the whimsy and the unexpected are part of the magic, part of the delight.
Let’s explore something about a third way, or many ways that are not the immediate options that come to mind, not plan A and not plan B, but a secret third thing.
Something that blows all the boring, predictable options out of the water.
Not following directions
I intensely dislike being told what to do.
I mean, sure, there is a place and time for everything, and sometimes being given instructions is wildly, irresistibly, unquestionably hot.
Generally speaking though, I do not react well to being told what to do. This is an understatement. I am a rebellious cowboy at a soul level.
Not the thing, not the opposite of the thing
Some people think or assume that I just instinctively do the opposite of whatever I’m told, which is, or can be, its own beautiful practice, done intentionally, and can be fun to play with. Absolutely give it a try if you haven’t.
However, I was raised by someone who was deeply into reverse psychology…
And because of this, my tendency is to assume that everything is a trap.
What does it mean that I tend to assume everything is a trap
Okay, so not only is doing what I’m told A TRAP…
But probably doing the opposite is ALSO A TRAP!
And then I feel the familiar THIS IS A TRAP sensations in my body. Constriction.
And maybe a bit of: Where is the epi-pen for being told what to do?
What I am seeking is the freedom of going my way, unexpectedly.
This explains a lot
This is why, if someone tells me what to do, here is what happens:
I will immediately do whatever seems like the thing no one would ever expect me to do! Something they couldn’t even guess or dream up.
Tell me what to do? I will find the most unlikely scenario imaginable and do that instead.
Do I sometimes end up in a trap anyway? Sure, but at least it’s one I invented for myself, and I can also third-way maneuver my way out of it.
Moving purposefully towards the most unlikely scenario…
What’s the most unlikely way I could respond to someone telling me what they think I should be doing? Great! Let’s try that!
Sometimes this is fun, because, again, I have a rebellious spirit who loves to carve out even more freedom, and escape routes. Oh, you presented me with a trap? WATCH THIS.
Sometimes this is interesting, because the unanticipated path turns out to be full of surprises.
Sometimes this is just something I notice about myself.
I would like to be able to hold onto the art of [knowing there is always a third way, another option] without the reactiveness, where I lose my cool.
Not following direction, generally
Even more so than not following directions…
It’s not just that I do not react well to being told what to do generally, but especially to someone not receiving a no from me no matter how gently or diplomatically or clearly I try to phrase it and frame it.
My rebelliousness goes up 1000%, immediately, when I clarity my yes or my preference, and the other person is like, no you should do this other thing instead that I want you to do.
And I can get a little obnoxious, a little reactive, I am all pushback to the pushing. Or I exit entirely.
Or I go off to do the most unexpected thing I can think of in response…
That’s a challenge!
Tell me I’m not something enough, or that I’m too much of something else?
I WILL TURN IT UP 25% MORE SO THAT NOBODY CAN MISS IT.
That’s a CHALLENGE!!! 🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️
Let’s gooooo!
And this is true for pretty much everything…
Not doing the thing that was suggested, not doing the opposite, but a secret third thing, but also turning it up and then turning it up some more. Getting obnoxious on purpose. You wanna play?
Sometimes this is useful
As my beloved friend The Arborist, a fellow practitioner of finding elusive, unlikely, and unexpected third ways, likes to say:
“All of this is impossible, impractical, unrealistic, yet when I slow down enough to see where possible, practical, and realistic have gotten me… impossible, impractical and unrealistic are pretty compelling!”
Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
They are. And this too is part of finding another way, maybe a less reactive one and a more playful one, but exploring in new directions.
Tuning into the beautiful and often-lost art of “yeah, the art of impractical, unrealistic and impossible is exactly what we are going for actually!”
The other day, at dance, someone tapped me on the back and I immediately knew, before I even turned around, that I would not wish to dance with whomever it was…
In part because anyone who knows me knows to approach from where I can see them, and in part because it was just a feeling.
Normally I do not ignore these bell-sounds of internal information or somatic clarity as they announce themselves, but I had just danced with this person’s wife who was lovely, and the wife had told me that this person really wanted to dance with me.
And so, against instinct, and in the interest of politeness in a community that it’s important to me, etc, the usual things, I said yes when I was not fully a yes…
It went pretty much how you’d expect
The dance was miserable. The song seemingly would not end, and the thing with live music is you can’t even guess when it might end!
There was a huge mismatch in energy and in approach between me and the person I was dancing with.
I dance for joy, connection, creative play, the intimacy of inventing a shared language, and so on.
They apparently dance as a way of telling other people what to do, they want to play ping pong and they want me to be their perfect ping pong ball.
This person told me they had been waiting for over an hour to dance with me, but that I am constantly being “monopolized”. I said, “Well, we are here now, let’s enjoy this.”
Was it????
They proceeded to correct me, give me verbal instructions on the dance floor, try to fix my reactions to their suggestions.
They would say things like: “That was a SPIN. You didn’t spin. Let’s try that again.”
My response: If that was a spin I would have spun.
My favorite people to dance with are much more skilled at leading a spin, I don’t even think about it, because the first rule of dance is follow the path of least resistance, and if you don’t know don’t go…
But more importantly, the people I enjoy dancing with delight in the unexpected, and so they are fun and easy to play with.
In service of play
I don’t need to be rebellious and do something unexpected intentionally when I’m dancing with my favorite dance partners, because together we are having so much fun discovering what each moment might bring.
Or maybe I’m still rebellious but it’s a different form or flavor of rebellion, a fun one that invites more connection and more play…
Rebellious and you love it
A dance friend of mine likes to tell a story about dancing, years ago, with another dance friend of ours, who is an accomplished tango dancer in addition to the forms of dance that we like to dance…
Apparently my friend indicated or suggested a certain type of turn, and Shelley turned the opposite way.
My friend said to her, warmly, delightedly, laughing: You are incorrigible!
And she said, twinkling back: Yes, and you love it!
Intention, and twinkle
I was thinking on all of this before yoga practice today.
About how I wish to sometimes be incorrigible and also Menacingly Sexy, which is something else the Arborist says about me that I love and appreciate…
But mainly I wish to find joy and sparkle in doing the unexpected and unanticipated, and not only do it as a walking middle finger to people who try to tell me what to do, which is really about them and not about me…
To stay incorrigible and rebellious, and to do with a greater amount of grace, if and when I am able, instead of getting reactive and escalating.
Arising
Here is a clue from a phrase or intention that rose up in my heart and mind spontaneously at the end of the physical practice today:
I am a highly concentrated, well-boundaries beam of love.
I AM A HIGHLY CONCENTRATED WELL-BOUNDARIED BEAM OF LOVE
Or another way to frame this: what if being a panther-jaguar and assassin and cowboy and ray of light are all the same?
What if! What is or can be possible here?!
What if I can be a rebellious beam of light? Can I beam love into the world while staying wholly self-contained and true to myself and my Known Yeses?
Can I warmly, politely if possible, be clear and firm and loving all at the same time, without taking things as a personal challenge?
Or can I have even more fun taking on these moments of OH YEAH? CHALLENGE EXCEPTED!!!
What are my wishes in this moment?
I wish to be true to my rebellious spirit.
More than that, I wish to choose love and loving-kindness and loving-clarity, and also: not at the cost of my quiet inner yeses.
As I seek various third ways in all situations, internally and in my life, and in community, and in relation to what’s going on the world, and all of that…
Graceful navigation
Looking for graceful navigation that is creative and playful, the embodiment of “what is deliciously impossible, impractical and unrealistic..”
Also I am revisiting some of what I was thinking about here ten years ago when I wrote about something I called “Oh no please don’t go…!”
Also, last week I wrote about a sanctuary of beaming, so maybe this wish is a continuation of last week’s themes after all…
Embracing incorrigible, and amplifying it, for fun, with love
How can I be incorrigible, with an enormous amount of love in my heart.
A beam of well-boundaried love, glowing inward and outward, a healing in all directions, forwards and backwards and throughout time itself…
Challenge accepted! Turn it up!
25% Even More Sexy, More Rebellious, More Delightfully Incorrigible, More Available for Good Surprises, let’s goooooo!
Turn it up! And not just a little…
And not just a little.
Let’s start with 25% just for fun.
Just so no one can miss it, even someone who thinks dance is ping pong and I am the most obedient magic ping pong ball…
When actually I am a beam of light, an assassin, a sexy cowboy, a rebellious rebel, alive.
Alive, alive, alive, alive…
May it be so, or something even better
Here’s to choosing life and aliveness, and being here, even when it is so fucking hard (and often it is), and to learning about ourselves, and finding some sparks if we can, or staying receptive to future sparks if we can.
I love you, I love that you read my thoughts here, thank you for that. It means a lot to me.
Let’s source some wild joy, some loving clarity, or whatever is needed most, let’s play.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
You are invited to share any related situations or musings, or name any wishes in process.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️