tetris

lately I’ve had the sensation that I’m
playing three games of tetris at once:
with the objects in my house,
with dates and times on the calendar,
with changes in the business

seemingly endless congruencing and
reconfiguring, everything moving,
until it’s too much and my head starts to ache
and it’s back to bed

right now overwhelmed-me wants
two things: [safety/sanctuary/protection/shelter]
and access to my glow
and I want these things in combination
glowing protection
protected glowing

protected glow

not only do I want to protect
the quiet glow of my headspace
and the glowing orb in my heart
I have been flashing on an image
a delineated circle around me
not just my force field that I invoke/conjure/imagine
but a thick stripe of color (red!)
that rotates around my space like a
multi-directional hula hoop
made of concentrated points of light

wait, actually this is perfect
hold on
okay

the true secret project

when I said earlier that I wanted protected glow
I had this sudden exciting thought that it would be so good
to hold a rally this week for myself
to figure that out!

(a rally is a powerful spark-filled form of retreating I invented
where you commune with your projects
and play with them instead of working on them)

and the most important part of rally is that
we use proxies —
we pretend that something else is our project
and investigate that instead
which then leads us down marvelous rabbit holes
until suddenly we know everything we needed to know
about the original project
and also about other forgotten or unknown projects, past and future,
because they’re all interconnected and really because
all projects are one project because anything you work on in life
is part of the bigger project, aka the True Secret Project:

how do we come more fully into ourselves?

what is a hoop that is not a hoop

anyway I just realized that
saying I want to learn how to hoop
and investigating that
instead of trying to figure out this big complicated protected glow stuff
would make an excellent proxy project
because I both want and do not want it,
but don’t especially care about it

and these moderately conflicted feelings about something I’m
not actually planning on doing anytime soon
are much easier to examine than
the real project aka
[how do I learn to be someone who protects their glow?]
[how do I take steps towards yes without getting massive migraines?]
[how do I get comfortable inhabiting space, taking up space unapologetically, owning my circle of me-ness, and being the most clear and resonant bell]

what is a hoop that is not a hoop
what do I know about this
let’s find out

is it like whistling, bubble gum, country two-step?

or: things I know/think/feel/wonder about hooping…

1. I cannot for the life of me keep a hoop moving around me for more than one rotation at most before it clatters to the floor, it is a complete mystery how people do this for fun
2. not sure if this falls into the category of a) whistling — can’t do it, everyone who has tried to teach me has given up, b) blowing bubbles with bubble gum — couldn’t do it for for the longest time but with consistent practice eventually figured it out ten years after all the other kids, or c) country two step — lost and frustrated until I found the kind of teacher who was able to break it down slowly enough for me, and could explain it in a way I could understand
3. this is a familiar theme, getting comfortable with my particular Havi pace of learning, and being okay with it
4. oh an ache in my heart, I feel such intense [longing? envy? passion? wistfulness?] when it comes to people who can just pick this stuff up, the kind of people who given a hoop would have just invented things to do with it, you could leave me in a room with a hoop for fifty years and I’d never figure it out
5. thinking about its history, I feel definite discomfort, first with the cultural appropriation of the word hula, which is really not okay and just one more way that hawaiian culture has been exoticized, taken, erased, and then of course discomfort with more plastic-plastic-plastic, not to mention — something I didn’t realize as a kid — knowing there already was a native american practice of hoop dancing, and this just feels uncomfortable to me, I would be okay with experimenting with a hoop in the privacy of my home for the purposes of movement, play, force field training, but I think this wouldn’t be something I would want to do in public, hmmm interesting…what else do I know about this
6. yeah, I guess I also associate it with show-offy forms of play, and now I’m noticing lots of judgment and monsters about this (both You Shouldn’t Be Seen and You Only Care About Being Seen), lots of cultural stuff in here too about to be safe you have to be invisible, this is interesting and uncomfortable, okay, let’s invoke the power of Safety First, and just make a safe room for this to sit in for now — fear, you are legitimate and understandable, and also you are not mine and not from now, you can show me your truth and let the rest dissolve
7. once at a rally at the Playground, one of the participants told me (very enthusiastically, and enthusiasm is pretty much my favorite thing in the world!) about a hooping convention she’d attended, how unexpectedly meditative, powerful and transformative it was, a story about everyone with their hoops, in the dark, and the sound of them falling to the floor, how you learn that dropping and starting over is okay…there is power in this
8. I like that the hoop I see in my mind is red, like a flash or an outline, this seems related to power and presence, a practice of rootedness
9. roundness is important for me, wheels and compasses and circles and labyrinths and bowls, the unexpectedly sacred feel of that: wholeness, the round vibrating om sensation, yes, that

okay, good intel, what else?

if a hoop is a visible reminder of my force field
and if trying to keep it up
is learning about energy and protecting my personal space
through filling my space…
this is about filling my space with me
like an embroidery hoop, in a way,
the frame in which creative play takes place

this then brings me back to the same question
which probably also holds the answer to the headache conundrum:

what enhances my ability to experience my own light? and what diminishes that ability?

how can I be the clearest bell? how can I boldly glow? what needs to be eliminated versus what needs to be illuminated?

in other words…

who is the version of havi bell who knows
how to protect the bell glow

and how can I let a hoop
(or the idea of a hoop)
be my teacher here
how can I make peace with being REALLY TERRIBLE
at the thing I think I want most
which of course is being comfortable taking up space
as opposed to being able to keep a hoop rotating around my
ridiculously narrow practically-non-existent hips
though yes I would like that too

it is interesting that I believe
this can’t be taught
that I am a Hopeless Lost Cause Again (monster-assessment)
when in fact there are so very many things that fall into the category of
“something I perceive that everyone else is able to pick up
way faster than I can but eventually, with patience and good instruction
I can do it too”

what do I think will help?

believing that this is possible
[let “this” = many, many things]
not reinventing the wheel but asking someone to
break things down for me in a way I can understand
tiny steps, nuances, subtleties, wax-on-wax-off, slow motion-montage:
this is how I learn

what else?

trust
release
do more entry
ask for what I want
no more clicking, on anything
no more distractions other than the ones I joyfully choose for myself
remembering that this is brave
even though I think it isn’t
there is nothing more challenging to the rigging of the rigged game
than agreeing to take up space
yes there it is, there’s my wish

agreeing to take up space

in my life
in the world
to occupy the cockpit of my mind
the sanctuary of my heart
the beautiful bowl of my pelvis
my thoughts and feelings and perceptions
my internal and immediately external space
this radiant circle around me that says
this is mine, this is my domain
I am here
beautifully here

what do I know about my wish this week

like all the wishes lately it’s about
presence and embodiment
and passage

I am going to trust my flash of a vision
my love of roundness and
my narrow hips
and the fact that what I lack in natural inclination for [some things? many things?],
I make up in obsessive determination
and in my strong faith in All Timing Is Right Timing

yes
let us trust in all of that
and then some

now

(1) my housemate is moving out
we’ve lived together for ten years and a month
it is the right time and it also feels so surreal and impossible,
he knows me better than just about anyone and
he can tell when I am freaking out even when I appear steady

(2) today on the bus a woman
was yelling angrily at the top of her lungs
at everyone and yet no one in particular
about how kale can stop cancer
it was on the one hand a very urban moment
and on the other hand a specifically portland moment

I am done with this city,
and this knowledge and the theme of glow-protection are related:
follow your yes and when you don’t know your yes
at least listen to the clear ringing no

(3) the trick to
these never-ending games of tetris
is knowing that
however the pieces land
it’s going to be okay
this is hard to remember
but that does not make it any less true

superpower of I am here and ready.

january on the 2016 fluent self calendar is the door FREEDOM, and the superpower is I am here and ready

here and ready is about presence
and glow protection is about being here
and glowing my bell-ness, my such-ness, in my space
what is freedom if not that
thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar
thank you, year of doors

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about en route to bravery…

and then did an astonishing number of Very Brave Things
all of which surprised me
and all of which were easier than anticipated

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

the best clues

I find that fairly often autocorrect knows better than I do
what I need in a given moment
and — if I’m not paying attention
to what’s actually important in life,
some combination of my fingertips and predictive keyboard algorithms
will come together to send me in the right direction

and so it happened while on my way
to Beaverton — well, actually, as it turned out, to Hillsdale
(but all suburbs occupy the same place in my mind)
I tried to share my whereabouts with a fellow agent
but “Beaverton” got scrambled and here is what was transmitted instead:

en route to Bravery!

is that not marvelous
what a perfect destination
what do I know about this
who is the me who is en route to bravery?

bon courage

what do I (not) have the courage to ask for?
that was the next question
not mine

somewhere online I ran into one of those depressing memes
that is supposedly motivational
but really just makes you want to crawl into bed for a year
— “you get in life what you have the courage to ask for” —
for the record let me just state the probably-obvious,
I don’t believe this statement is necessarily true at all

but it does make an interesting question to explore…

especially for someone whose job is releasing wishes and letting things be named

what am I not asking for right now due to courage issues?

this following the heels of my accidental announcement
that I am EN ROUTE TO BRAVERY
well, it seemed important

then of course I went into avoidance and did everything in my power
not to answer these questions
especially when [boundary issues] started popping up all over the place
and then became very ill and have been in bed
which is a good place to listen to my courageous heart
and hide out and maybe skip some stones
let’s skip some stones

what do I know about en route to bravery

this is the year of doors, and so
en route to bravery is clearly a passage,
a series of doors

and the first door is freedom,
god knows that might be the door that requires the most courage
the freedom to let go
let things go
experience what I am like on the other side

obviously letting go of my beautiful home
is wild intense bravery
even if I had a plan, which I don’t,
it would still be the bravest door
especially for me, with my history
and all my pain about belonging and space and place

I like that this is en route to bravery,
and not the monster-version — en route to hardship, despair and doom!

who is the me who is brave?

I think of myself as a not-particularly courageous person
and there is ample monster-collected evidence to support this,
and yet, when we just look at things:

yes, okay, I am someone who
1) moved countries three times, alone, with no support
2) ended an unhealthy marriage
3) got through many months of Operation Resilience (no home or place to stay)
4) went back to work the day after a suicide bomber blew up the neighboring bar
5) started a business from nothing, and eleven years later it’s still going strong
6) took off on a five month road trip on her 39th birthday…

as much as the monsters want to replace “brave”
with words they like better
(“foolhardy”, “reckless”, “stupid”, for starters),
and as much as I think of myself as
timid, highly-sensitive, fearful, anxious, traumatized,
in need of scandalous (say the monsters) amounts of
alone time, recovery time, quiet time, hiding in bed…

I am brave
so why don’t I know this

[we interrupt for a monstering message]

monster representative: this is bullshit, you are not a brave person, and not only are you not brave, but it is unethical for you to try to portray yourself this way on the blog, you aren’t supposed to be putting up a facade, you’re supposed to be sharing who you actually are, and who you are is a very scared person

me: uh that actually seems like a pretty good point, need some help here!
wisest-me: I’ll take over from here, babe, how about we all keep in mind that bravery doesn’t mean not having fear, bravery is the ability to recognize and acknowledge fear, staying centered and clear, able to appreciate the wisdom-seeds stored inside of the fear, all without letting fear run the whole show
monster representative: ugh, whatever, Havi is not brave and she will never be brave, end of story
wisest-me: I understand that your mission is to keep Havi safe, and I am committed to that mission as well, so help me understand what you’re trying to protect her from so that I can be supportive….

risk analysis…

monster rep: if she thinks she’s brave, she’ll take risks that will hurt her
wisest-me: okay, I can see why you wouldn’t want that, what kind of risks?
monster rep: oh god, who knows, she could enter a dance competition and get her spirits crushed and stop dancing, she could do the [project], she could start saying what she thinks…
wisest-me: so you’d rather she not think of herself as courageous so that she doesn’t try things and then get hurt if they don’t work, am I getting this right…?
monster rep: yup, let’s keep her focus on her weaknesses and fearful nature so that she doesn’t start testing any limits…

wisest-me: you know, I’m wondering, in the past it seems like any time Havi has been separated from some aspect of her identity, that’s when the painful stuff has happened, so, what if we allowed Havi to embody this quality so that it’s another part of who she is (because it is!), and then we have a more whole, unified, stable, powerful Havi, whose bravery is just one aspect that lives in harmonious relationship with all of her other qualities
monster-rep: I would say that sounds like hippie nonsense, but I see your point, cutting her off from herself never goes well, I guess we can try it your way…

what am I not asking for right now because of courage issues?

whether that’s asking of myself or of other people or just
asking like wishing
asking source to provide for me
asking myself to remember that I am provided for
even when I forget
asking for things like…

• boundaries
• freedom
• respect
• time, money, resources for [important projects]
• more rest

what do I know about brave me?

bravery is a quality of incoming me
she says what she thinks
asks for what she wants
does not take shit from anyone
which is important

I am practically a professional shit-taker
but this has not always been the case
when I was a bartender I was very good
at being clear with people
once I threw a stack of coasters at a client
hit him in the forehead so hard he stumbled off his barstool
he deserved it and he knew it
okay so maybe not my proudest moment in life
but actually right now kind of wishing I had
some of that back

wouldn’t mind the assertiveness or the good aim

my cousin Anat in tel aviv would say
if you don’t want to take shit
don’t put your hands out
something like that

anyway, what I want is the superpowers of past-me
(standing up for myself, pushing back, determination)
combined with the superpowers of incoming-me
(calm easy grace, radiant boundaries, fierce panther aliveness, steady ground)

what else about this?

well, this is related to the rigged game,
there is this very rational fear
when it comes to standing up to men
because men (yes, some men, not all men, do I really have to say this)
are known for sometimes wanting to hurt you or kill you
at the hint of perceived rejection
or any assertion that you are in fact a sovereign being
who gets to make your own choices

the other day at Doug Fir
I wanted to say NO POKING
to the guy who thought I was deaf and kept poking me
to get my attention
but there is always this part of me that knows
sometimes guys like that take it personally
and wait for you in the parking lot
and my god does a lot of energy go into these absurd
placating procedures where you try to navigate these situations
in such a way that protecting your boundaries doesn’t get you in trouble

I want to be someone whose space is so clean and clear
that it doesn’t even occur to anyone that they could poke me
and if they do, PANTHER ME gives them a look
and nothing more needs to be done

but I also want

I also want to be someone who can just say it
— NO —
— THIS DOESN’T WORK FOR ME —
— I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE —
— I DON’T LIKE BEING POKED —
— THIS IS NOT OKAY —
— STOP —
with no qualms
no reservations or hesitation
my no is my no is my no

my beautiful no is held by the earth
and the sky
by all my allies
by a thousand panthers
my entourage of brave selves

yes to my yes
no to my no
just like that
taking up space unapologetically
glowing hard
with peaceful powerful presence
no one messes with me
because I am my full wild self

this is what I want the courage to ask for

what do I know about my wish this week

like last week’s wish, and the week before, it’s about
presence and embodiment
and passage

and of course, following the clues
in the order that they reveal themselves
and asking questions without
needing a plan

now

I am sick in bed and this is not a bad thing
it’s a passage and a crucible and its own door

last-week me made excellent vegetable stock
and yesterday-me used it to cook up a pot of
garlicky wild rice with vegetables

maybe en route to bravery isn’t always
a road of adventure
maybe sometimes it happens under a giant duvet
with a notebook
and a few just-right questions

superpower of I am here and ready.

december on the 2015 fluent self calendar was TREASURE MORE, with the superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises, and now we are in the Year of Doors: january is FREEDOM, and the superpower is I am here and ready

here and ready is about presence
which is what bravery requires
if I am going to have the courage to ask
then this is the way to enter

thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar
thank you, year of doors

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about being the namer who names…

this wish led me to the realization that my belongings are treasure, and treasure is best counted/named in categories, and this wish also brought me to new levels of releasing, and for that I am very thankful

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, Friday: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 389th week in a row we are chickening here together….

What worked this week?

Naming and renaming.

This week my secret ops and important missions required many lists, but I dislike lists (understatement!), so I made up something better.

It’s called a L/I/S/T — Luscious Intrigue of Secret Treasure. Yes. And the L/I/S/T is where I find all the things that are going on, and each one has a quality.

For example, CLARITY in the form of [doing X], and then PRESENCE in the form of [investigating Y].

Usually I either avoid lists (because they stress me out), or use them but then hate how stressed out I am. I did not expect this to work for me, but oh did it ever.

Oh, and another important thing about this (for me) was no more than three or four possible things to play with on a given day. Because hello, the game is rigged, and who knows if we even get to any of them.

Next time I might…

Remember that whatever my problem, someone else has probably already solved it.

I really need to stop assuming that I’m The Only One, because I make so many things complicated while trying to re-invent the wheel.

The internet is terrible for many things, but it is so very good for reminding me that, for example, no, I’m not the only person who can’t drive at night because the lights are too intense.

Naming the days.

New freedom. Wild yes. Naming magic. The powers land. Pleasure is the practice. En route to bravery. Bon courage.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

My Kingdom For A Good Analogy. The Havi Brooks Story.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Entire body is sore from slow motion montage training. A breath for recovery.
2. For mysterious reasons, my body has not been wanting sleep, which is fine, except for the giant bags under my eyes and looking like death warmed over. A breath for trusting the process, and for rest.
3. Emptying the house after seven years is messy and complicated, and there are feelings. A breath for courage, and exit as you wish to continue.
4. Even in this miraculous calm state where I’m fine having no plan and no idea where I’m going to be living in a couple weeks, I would really love some good clues. A breath for new intel.
5. I want to start doing a thing I used to do once upon a time before [situation], and I am noticing fear and anxiety about if I will be able to, and how hard it might be, and there’s a problem I need to solve in order to get back to it, and I don’t want to deal with that part. A breath for listening to my yes, and investigating further, with lots of love and Safety First!
6. Situations (and people) I thought would be fun turning out to be not-fun. I think I no longer like my favorite Monday ritual, and I think I no longer like taking group classes for dance. A breath for being here, and for remembering that all intel is useful intel, and that everything can change and then change again.
7. Dance teacher gave me some very useful and challenging corrections and suggestions that I am struggling to implement, having to use my body in entirely new ways and breaking my brain hard. This is really good for me, and right now it’s also unbelievably frustrating and I am running into my stuff and feeling vulnerable. A breath for wax on and wax off, trust in the process, remember why I’m doing this.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. The sun came back. The snow and ice melted. I can stand at the bus stop and not die of frostbite. Everything is significantly less horrible now. A breath for easing.
2. Lots of congruencing for the new year, including finally replacing my housemate’s rusted out 1980s goodwill-find made-in-korea falling-apart teakettle with a gorgeous kettle that fills me with joy and appreciation every time I see it. A breath for out with the old, in with the new, in all meanings of that, ripple effect please….
3. Everything about dance was good this week. Waltz fusion, west coast, nightclub two step, hustle, improvisational madness. I took classes. I reviewed drills until my brain stopped working. I danced fourteen hours in two days, and my feet hurt, and it was awesome. Everything about this is good. A breath for this.
4. Talking about yes and wishes with the far-away Agent Lovemore, and with Agents Aldrich-and-Annabelle, who are also far away, just not that far. This is good. A breath for knowing, and for conspiratorial planning.
5. Letting things go. It’s time, and also movement is forward progress. A breath of gratitude for finally understanding what “Easing & Releasing” (my name for 2015) feels like when it is something you know how to do.
6. Feeling beautifully clear about so many things. A breath for how great this is.
7. Even though this was an intensely busy week, I still found time each day for myself, for breathing and turning inward and taking care of myself, noticing the Rigging of the rigged game, and not being impressed by it. A breath of appreciation.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of wonderful food, deliciously tired legs, sitting by the fireplace wearing all the blankets. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

I still have big excitement about this round of projects, especially MONTAGE. Other than that, focusing on The Namer Names and The Studio Op, and remembering to do laundry. Pretty soon will return to the Fountaining op. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the power of taking care of myself first and the power of not hiding, and got to experience both of these. I also had the superpower of There’s Always Money In The Banana Stand (a la Arrested Development), and not only did this week deliver surprise banana stand monies, I was also not worrying about things I usually worry about. More of this, please, for all of us.

Powers I want.

The power of fierce wild panther grace.

The Salve of Joyful Multiplying.

My favorite part of the superpower I had this week of There’s Always Money In The Banana Stand, was not just the steady calm and trust, but the sensation of wonder/joy/awe/gladness multiplying. So the plenty wasn’t only in the unexpected resources in the moment, but that feeling of joyful multiplying.

This salve melts into the skin and multiplies joy and wonder. It works its magic and allows you to to feel completely at home in this superpower at all times and in all ways, while still knowing that you would also be equally fine without it.

The pleasurable appreciative feelings begin to MULTIPLY and continue to multiply, as you fill up on:

Possibility. Generous heart. Clear Seeing. Releasing. Receiving. Delight. Glowing. Strength.

This is another good-surprises salve, and a heart-healing salve, and it is not only replenishing but self-replenishing, straight from source.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Bubble Prep

Their latest album is What Time Is It In Thailand, and it turns out this band is just one guy.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

We are doing some reconfiguring, and the shop may disappear soon. More about this to come but for now just a heads up.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!