What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
chicken at the threshold
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 388th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Trusting my instincts.
This requires getting quiet enough to hear what I know and want.
Naming the days.
I have been naming everything lately, and this helped.
These were the days of my week this week:
The Namer Names. Honey Sanctuary. Panther Powers. New Treasure. Welcome Miracles. Abundant Clarity. Here And Ready.
It is amazing what a difference a name makes.
Next time I might…
Look at the calendar.
Where’s the moon? Where am I in relation to the moon? And also to my cycle?
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Shiva the Destroyer: Knocking Down Walls Is One Way To Make Doors.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The person who is far away is distant not only in kilometers. I am trying to stay present and not invent stories about this, or make the mistake of thinking that now is then just because now is reminding me of then. Now is not then. That was twenty years ago. Now is now. Let’s stay with now. A breath for heartache and those new year blues.
- Bitter cold. Too cold. 27 degrees Fahrenheit? NEGATIVE THREE in Celsius. I hate it, I hate everything about it, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to spend another month here, but I can’t leave before then because there’s too much work to do emptying my house. Also my heart breaks thinking about everyone here who doesn’t have a home and is on the street. A breath for safe passage.
- Tamir Rice. There is nothing surprising about [There Is No Justice] here, and definitely no justice for black children and apparently no way to keep them from being murdered by the people whose job it is in theory to support safety, and zero accountability and the system doesn’t work, and we already knew all of this, and still it hurts so much and fills us with fury. A breath for this broken country, the deep commitment people have to maintaining blindness, systemic wrongs, the infinitely rigged game.
- The quiet drive to say the last goodbye to the ballroom felt like being en route to a funeral, not wanting to go but just this grim determination to not run the other direction. A breath for courage, and exit as you wish to continue.
- Mysterious gross fly infestation, what is even happening. A breath for banishment.
- Noticing how I am craving “faster” results from my wax-on wax-off montage practice, even though that’s not actually how that works, the point of practice and process is practice and process. And also, when I’m not listening to my monsters, I’m able to see remarkable change. A breath for being with what is, and not feeding what I don’t want to grow.
- A thing I wanted to be met with great celebration didn’t really make a ripple. A breath for my sweet hopeful heart, releasing expectation, and for channeling my own celebratory parade. Imaginary red balloons of releasing, red balloons in the parade.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Deciding to do new year’s eve my way and not go as planned to a favorite dance with friends. Instead I had a quiet evening with Incoming Me. We prepared a beautiful meal and wrote wishes and thank-yous, early to bed. It was just what I needed, and I am glad to have side-stepped the energy of expectations and frantic thresholding. A breath for sweet intentional entry.
- Way less triggered than usual, this is weird and good. Didn’t freak out during the new year’s fireworks. I mean, did not enjoy the explosion sounds, but it didn’t fill my body with terror. And there was an incident on the street downtown, a guy approaching me on the sidewalk suddenly slammed into a wall and bounced off of it directly towards me. I immediately sidestepped and was ready for fight/flight, which was unnecessary, and he apologized and moved on. He was either super high or terrible at parkour, or possibly both, but the point is that I was able to understand this, and recognize that I wasn’t being attacked. Usually if something like this happens, PTSD-me takes over, and it can take days to come down from that. This time, I thought how lucky he is that I didn’t pepper-spray him, and how glad I am that my physical training has given me agility and speed of reaction. And then I shook it off with TRE when I got home, and that was it. That’s a pretty radical change in my life. A breath for commitment to what I want, combined with warm loving presence and the willingness to change it up as needed.
- Dance dance dance dance dance dance dance. Everything about this is good. A breath for this.
- Training hard and able to implement much of what I’m working on, again, despite the monsters saying there’s no improvement. They’re wrong. I have skills and consistency today that didn’t exist two weeks ago, and this is a big deal. A breath for pleasure.
- Fun secret ops. A breath of big big joy.
- Knowing what I want. A breath for how great this is.
- The exit from the ballroom was truly mesmerizing, beautiful, and wonderfully healing. I played a favorite song. I touched the walls. I let hallelujiah be the word. Found my thank yous — there has been a lot of pain in this experience but definitely the treasure I am taking away is the treasure of being Abundantly Clear about what I don’t want to do with my life. I stood on the stage and danced the dance of spirals, the dance that was, the dance of shiva taking everything apart. I closed my eyes and the ballroom talked to me, really talked to me, and finally answered the question I have been asking all these years. Usually I ask, and the ballroom is like, shrug, all is well. This time it told me everything, and it was sweet and powerful, and I cried, because we understood each other and loved each other. And then I said goodbye, and everything about this was right. And I am also glad to have brought the right friend to witness the ending, someone who understands magic and does not require caretaking or to be entertained in any way. A breath of thank you.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of warm things, like the best hot water bottle, mushroom soup, and the arborist lending me a giant ridiculously warm sweater that he made. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
I am really liking all my projects right now: Operation Remove Static. Project MONTAGE and the Mission of 999. The Namer Names. The Studio Op. Sweet Honey and the Fountaining are still on the back burner, and that works for me. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I am bestowing vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of standing tall and feeling powerful, fierce, graceful and beautifully embodied, panther-like. And I am delighted to report that I had many moments of this, and would like more.
Powers I want.
The power of asking for what I want, the power of taking care of myself first, the power of not hiding.
The Salve of Intentional Thresholding.
It is a known thing that we forget things at the threshold, it is the doors that do the erasing, this is known as the boundary effect, doors are a boundary event, and this is so very interesting.
But doorways also offer us the opportunity to really pause and think about what we want to take with us and leave behind, how we want to passage. Enter as you wish to be in it. Exit as you wish to continue.
When I walk through a door, I like to think DOOR!
And this salve holds all the beautiful qualities and superpowers of doors.
Potential. Newness. Passage. Clearing. Regenerating. Transforming. Glowing. Undoing.
And of course all the superpowers of opening and closing.
This salve dissolves all the usual new year’s bullshit that you might encounter online or out in the world, and shifts the focus to self-treasuring, what do you want from this door, this moment, how do you want to be as you pass through it, how do you want to meet yourself on the other side.
This salve is good for unanswered questions, and for delivering good surprises.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
If You Own A Pub
Their latest album is Mayhem Invited, and it turns out this band is just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Last chance for the extremely magical 2016 calendars are ready — The Year Of Doors! You can try to get one here. The password: sweetdoors
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Glowing doors / 52 wishes for 2016
glowing doors
it’s funny, when this coming year whispered its name to me
— the Year of Doors —
back in September,
I did not register at the time just how much thresholding
is in this threshold
on New Year’s Eve, I officially exit the
metaphorical chocolate shop,
which is actually the Red Rose Ballroom,
the venue I am somewhat accidentally in charge of (long story),
aka the other half of my business
sweet bitter-sweet
it is a sweet-bittersweet ending,
as befits a chocolate shop named for a rose
my freedom-heart rejoices in being done
with something that consumes my time/energy/resources and is not my joy,
while my dancer-heart aches knowing that this stunning and
historic space will not be danced in again,
it’s being turned into some sort of fancy showroom
this makes no sense to me but while I wasn’t looking
my city filled up, seemingly overnight, with grownups who do grownup things
what doors are for
but everything changes and everything ends, and that’s what doors are for,
marking the moment of moving through
and in one month’s time, I exit my
sweet home where I’ve lived for the past seven years
and then exiting the city I no longer want to be in
where am I going?
what a beautiful question — I can’t wait to find out
it’s a huge dark mahogany door marked with an X
I thought the X was for mystery,
but of course it is for treasure
X marks the spot
and the mystery is the treasure
so my job is to treasure the mysteries
many doors await me this year, right from the beginning
exiting (and entering) with intention.
the entry into my magical ballroom
has a message that arches above the double doors:
enter as you wish to be in it
and on the other side:
exit as you wish to continue
ritual
my hsp introvert new year’s eve ritual
is to hang out with my favorite person
(incoming me, who is wise, funny, fearless, wild)
and together we name wishes
then early to bed
52 wishes: here they are
- I treasure myself at all times and in all ways
- joyfully releasing what is not wild intense passionate yes
- it is fun for me to let my most glamorous playful independent self take the reins
- new clarity lets me see how Operation Resilience (a long-time-ago experience of not having a home, long months of uncertainty, hard memories of some terrifying cold sleepless nights) was more than just useful, it was proof of Endless Miracles and There Is No Edge
- I say yes to now and to what is now (“oh we’re over here now, let me turn the page!”) with the superpowers of Adaptability and Humor)
- I am plenty, I have plenty, I see plenty, and remembering this becomes automatic, my thank-you heart fills with appreciation
- no big deal, just undoing rigging like it’s my job (it is!)
- panther training — proxy mission — fills me with delight, and it’s a double meaning, training to be a panther (fierce, powerful, embodied fluid grace), and training the twenty four panthers in my invisible entourage
- I find joy in practice — superpower of “in it for the long haul”
- grand adventures that are pleasurable, healing, sweet and fun
- I feel and perceive that I am strikingly beautiful, regardless of what mirrors and monsters show me — and yes, this is another superpower of aliveness and delight in life, seeing my own glow and allowing myself to be impressed by it
- easy relaxed positive confident striding through space, and all the superpowers of Unapologetically Taking Up Space
- timely Congruencing, following the next indicated step in life/business based on my instinct and my yes, and making changes accordingly
- all the right exit strategies reveal themselves, especially the one about forty
- the most wonderful clues are everywhere, and I see them and smile (literally as I wrote this, the person next to me at the cafe asked what I was writing, and I wrote “plans” on a napkin, and he said, “oh, I’m a professional planner with a degree in planning, I love it when people make plans!”, then I looked up and noticed there’s a horseshoe on the wall of this place where I sit all the time, and this is what I mean by clues everywhere)
- so very present, I am here, I want to be here now
- I give myself rest, generously, without skimping or making faces or saying things like “oh I have no idea why I’m so tired”, because I know that rest is mine and it’s how I take care of myself, and it doesn’t need a reason
- I choose LIFE and delight in aliveness, even the hard parts, I welcome life, I remember that my name (in hebrew) means life and (Eve) was called life because she was the mother of all aliveness, I am positively vibrant with this living, this is not easy and that’s probably why it is my name
- I own very little, and love everything that I own
- sweet ease-filled harmonious adjustments
- I take pleasure…and pleasure takes me…mmmmmhmmmmm
- time with friends and people who are important to me
- I easily let go of what is done
- the calendar qualities of the Year of Doors — FREEDOM SANCTUARY LUSCIOUSNESS ROOTS WILD WONDER HARMONY MUSE INTENTION CENTER ECHOING LIGHT — whoosh their way into every crevice of my life, and I become friends with these qualities and am so glad I invited them in
- balance, grace, agility, adaptability: in my body and how I am in the world
- I remember that there is (and I have) plenty of time
- each day I challenge the rigged game, whether with laughter and a raised eyebrow, or with powerful purposeful graceful dismantling
- I pursue what appeals, panther-like
- food is delicious, and I savor it with full sensory delight
- luscious minimalism: I live by this
- I cherish my body, in sickness and in health, as they say in vows…
- wise funny creative me to the front of the V!
- maintaining steady contact with my Incomings and wise wild selves
- playing in pretty places
- I respect all current intel about myself (for example, that I need to be somewhere warmer and quieter right now, got it, am working on it!)
- related: I do not try to force myself to be “normal” (whatever that means), to adhere to or accommodate any external expectations, stated or perceived
- in all situations, I ask for more intel, and set clear loving expectations at all times
- saying hello to what I want by investigating sparks
- ha, it turns out that I love being [age], and the crisis everyone I know had at this age passes me by because I’ve had enough of those, and I have a wonderful birthday, I insist on it and make room for quiet reflection!
- I take mind-blowing dance lessons that give me exactly what I need to learn
- my imaginary reality show (Montage) is the most joyful, rewarding challenge I have ever taken on, and even on the hard days, I appreciate it so much, also proxies are awesome
- I am able to see/feel plentiful visible improvement in my dancing, internal and external, in confidence and in form, and this is beautifully reflected from me and back to me in marvelous unexpected ways
- this is the year of plentiful good surprises, and all the best seeds
- hello, fourpees: Passion, Pleasure, Precision, Presence! (Brandi Tobias, famous dance teacher, has her Four Ps of dance: Posture, Pitch, Poise and Position, while another dance teacher I study with talks about how the keys/Ps to dance are Persistence, Practice, Patience and Perseverance, and I will take all of that too, though my fourpees are more fun!)
- wildly hot sex, just ridiculously-off-the-charts levels of this, and plenty of it, amen
- I get quieter and quieter and quieter, and I love it
- I feel wonderfully at home wherever I go, cozy nests reveal themselves to me, and when the time is right, my new just-right-for-me home shows up for me
- following my yes in all things, 120%, wild and passionate sparks of yes
- brave and fearless in entering and exiting adventures, generous with smiles
- rejoicing in the beautiful things of life
- I am ready to retire, not just to quit fake grad school, I figure out how to go deeper into Shmita and the magic of Less
- I trust myself deeply, and this is peaceful and easy
bonus wish
this is the year of doors and seeds
and I am wonderfully aware of this at all times,
aware of passage and of potential
all doors open for me
these are the superpowers I ask for this year
safe passage
all the right doors open for me
glowing doors
so I can’t miss them
you might even say I glow them open
(the secret double meaning of glowing doors)
come enjoy wishes with me for this new year
here is how we meet each other’s wishes:
oh wow, what beautiful wishes!
you are welcome to leave wishes big and small,
naming qualities and invoking superpowers
or share a word or words for your year
and you are invited to share this post with anyone
who could use some wishing
and some glowing doors
I love having company
all the best doors and all the best surprises!
announcement!
I’m shipping the last of the gorgeous small-batch YEAR OF DOORS calendars, with those outrageously luscious and powerful doors, on Monday, Jan 4, so THIS WEEKEND is the last chance to order, unless we run out before then!
$30 plus shipping, calculated during checkout
update: SOLD OUT
peaceful resolutions
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 338th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
peaceful resolutions
each friday when I reflect on my week,
both the highlights
(the good, the joyful, the sparks of delight),
and the contrast —
all that which is challenging, frustrating,
revealing of things we do not always wish to see
I always have the same wish:
may all misunderstandings and distortions,
internal and external,
dissolve in love if not in laughter
resolution here in the sense of easing
perfect simple elegant solutions
which breathe ease and relief into the situation
delivering comfort and reassurance to everyone involved
that’s what I want
I would like peaceful resolutions to any number of
misunderstandings, conflicts, disagreements, tangles,
assumptions and jumped-conclusions
going on in my life right now
of which there seem to be mysteriously many
at the moment
I would like the superpower of SOLVED!
as well as the superpowers of
- oh of course this worked out beautifully
- clarity and lightness
- yes this is and was treasure, thank you for this experience
- I am now better at taking up space
- it is now easier for me to both ask for and establish clear expectations and boundaries in all situations
- I sit in my own swing!
- I trust that all is well, all is and was and will be well
what are other meanings of [peaceful resolutions]
well, of course, there are wishes-intentions for the new year
I never make new year’s resolutions
or at least I never call them that
because, for me, resolution implies
either [I will do Thing X, in time Y, in order to achieve goal Z]
or [I will stop doing X, for duration Y, in service of goal Z]
and there are more than a couple of problems with this, of course
although… (here comes the aside)
of course bear in mind as always
the useful life principle of [People Vary!]
with its sweet healing grace and built-in permission,
so if resolutions work for you and bring you joy,
or you have a different understanding of what they are,
that is lovely
may you resolve your resolutions in good health
and receive exactly what you need from that practice
anything I say in this space is — always —
a reflection of what is true for me in this moment
I share my answers not because they are yours (they probably aren’t)
but because I want to share the experience of
embarking on grand adventures to explore internal territories
so we can all do that, both together and on our own,
while glowing curiosity, love and presence
okay, back to my take on resolutions, with an example!
I am over-the-top obsessed with dance
so it would have been very easy for me to make
a January resolution last year in the form of some sort of promise
“I will dance every day” or I will do X type of trainings
or practice Y amount of time
imagine how intensely disappointed and frustrated I would have been
to discover 2015 had different plans for me:
a slow-healing knee injury, followed by five months on the road
in a nine foot camper, followed by intense chronic pain
there is no way I would have been able to hold myself
to a commitment like that
and the truth is, that kind of commitment can be, in a way,
kind of disrespectful to presence
it doesn’t honor the in-the-moment experience of
my body and my energy
it doesn’t make space for possible new desires and passions
to emerge as I get to know incoming me,
this is the ever-changing dynamic essence of life and aliveness
big powerful stuff
I don’t want to get in the way of that with promises
here’s something rarely acknowledged
not having the same goals/desires as we used to
is — or, at least, can often be —
a good thing
it’s a sign that we aren’t living in stagnation, rejoice:
we are growing and moving because we are alive and free!
(and yes things can get scary when the old desires disappear
before the new ones have revealed themselves)
(many breaths for this)
so even though our rigged-game culture really piles on the pressure to
Stick To It / Get It Done / Cross The Finish Line etc
that’s not always necessarily in service
of our true needs and desires
remembering
we want to remember that it serves the rigged game
for us to go through these yearly motivational rituals
and set ourselves up for perceived “failure” later on when [life does life]
and we are asked to change course
it’s a set-up!
we’re set up to feel bad about ourselves when life happens
this doesn’t help us take care of ourselves
but it does preserve the status quo equilibrium of
Dissatisfied Striving,
with everyone constantly feeling guilty and less-than
it’s seriously no fun feeling bad about yourself
also an enormous waste of time and internal resources
so if I make resolutions that say I will do something
this supports the problematic mentality of “I will be happy when”
instead of recognizing that I am enough now,
and, again, I can’t know the future,
so I can’t know if I will be able to do X,
or if X will remain the true desire of incoming me
I can’t stay true to presence and my YES in the moment
if I declare what and how and who future me will be
so what can I do instead?
without setting myself up for perceived “failure”
and still setting a trajectory into motion for incoming me
what I do instead of resolving…
instead of [I will do X] or [I will not do X]
I name the qualities I want to get to know better
and invite them to play
naming and welcoming
my wishes and intentions
inventing games
playing with incoming me and
sending her (real or imaginary) postcards
setting off on a trajectory of intention and discovery
through deep listening and asking over and over again
what do I want
here is my compass for the incoming year
North: TRUST
Northeast: RELAX
East: SHINE
Southeast: EXPAND
South: ANCHOR
Southwest: TREASURE
West: GLOW
Northwest: WILD
what I want is on the calendar
no, I mean, it’s literally on the calendar
January is Freedom, February Sanctuary
March is Lusciousness and April Roots
Wild May leads to Wonder in June
July Harmony and August Muse
September for Intention, October is Center
November for Echoing, December filled with Light
I can almost taste these words
and their echoing combinations and incantations:
FREEDOM SANCTUARY LUSCIOUSNESS ROOTS
WILD WONDER HARMONY MUSE
INTENTION CENTER ECHOING LIGHT
there is a hard-to-describe power in naming the months like this
seeing each day on your calendar,
what you called in for yourself
wishes
each new year’s eve I write wishes
for the new year
about things I want to embody
seeding seeds, setting these wish-intentions into motion
and releasing them
to be what they need to be,
in their own form and their own timing,
and to surprise me with future treasure
I set off on a course, a trajectory, a direction
based on what feels yes now
but with full permission for the adventure to be the adventure,
for the course to change to meet what I need and desire
por ejemplo….a wish from a year ago:
“I learn to feel wonderfully confident in my dancing”
guess what? all that not-dancing time
delivered useful information for dancer-me
about Grounding, Presence, Equilibrium, Self-Treasuring
and so on
and these qualities, as I got to know them,
found their way into my body and my dance
last night I was at waltz fusion feeling
WONDERFULLY CONFIDENT in my dancing,
and I was like whoa hey I got my wish, sweet!
I learned how to do it
just not in the way
me-of-a-year-ago might have imagined
zero disappointment
with my beautiful wish-intention
that was not a resolution
but which resolved so many things for me
this is what I want to remember when I say peaceful resolutions
my wish happened for me
and also, it happened in its own beautiful time
you might even say, it resolved itself
so in that sense
not making a resolution was a form of resolution
and setting a trajectory of qualities
ensured that I didn’t
perceive in any way that I had “failed” to follow through
this is what I want
this deep self-treasuring
setting things up for enhanced joy,
not for self-recrimination
but what about when there are goals that feel fun?
I am all for fun
for example I do have a dance training objective this year
which I turned into a game
I pretend I’m on a reality show called Montage
though of course it has a built-in clause that I can
vote myself off the island when I’m ready for the mission to change
and yes, there’s a prize for that
and also I have defined training
as anything that helps me be more embodied,
more connected to myself and my body
which allows for quiet rest days that are part of my training too
the point is,
play and presence, presence and play
this is how I do
What else is resolution?
resolution is also CLARITY, zooming in, high res, enhance-enhance!
and resolution is also RESOLVE, like having resolve
a quiet strength and fortitude
come in, come in, all the superpowers of that
haha I just thought of this
resolving like re-solving — solving something again!
and maybe resolution is just
renewing my commitment to being present and passionate
I like this
oh and also like U.N. Resolutions, which are basically like,
“here is something we feel strongly about!”
making a statement
I can do that
what do I know about my wish this week
it is about presence and embodiment
being very aware of what I want
and the words I use to describe my process
it is about being playful and easygoing with life
and leaving room for wonder and for unexpected treasure
and: letting things having more than one meaning
being curious about that
receptive, as always, to being marvelously surprised
now
popcorn with ghost pepper salt
and sitting with the breathtaking 2016 calendar
looking at all the doors
in this year of seeds and doors
superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises.
december on the 2015 fluent self calendar is TREASURE MORE, with the superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises
receptivity
is the word of the week
and self-treasuring is the treasure
and also the map
thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar
and for the Year of More
which was exactly what I needed
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about trust in the wild winds…
and had a peaceful week
I let other people be in their stuff
I trusted
I looked for miracles and found them
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
festive wondrous chicken to you!
Hello, Friday: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 387th week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Asking what worked.
Each day before bed I made a little list of “today I learned” or “good surprises”, which helped me realize that actually a lot of things are working. And while I may not pause long enough to notice them, they’re happening.
This also helped me notice the beautiful sweet miracles that somehow get lost in the day, even the extremely unlikely ones, like the tailor who was able to fix my torn favorite pants in five minutes, right before the holiday and didn’t charge me. Thank you, treasure. Would you like to read part of the list?
- Clearing up the house while thinking about this as “removing static” from the radio station of my life.
- Having a terrific backstory (wildly untrue and invented in the spur of the moment) that explained my motivation for one of my current projects.
- Asking wise me what to do.
- Doing exactly what she said. Replenishing Glass of Water, Get On The Floor, Eight Steady Breaths. Did the trick and I suddenly knew what my next step was.
- Translating all incoming christmas wishes to mean “I wanted to connect with you and I am thinking about you!”, and saying, “Thank you! Festive wondrous everything to you too!”
Next time I might…
Ask wise me first.
Really, she knows what’s good.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Let’s Just Burn It All Down, Metaphorically That Is.
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Twenty four consecutive days of rain, record-breaking amounts of rain, to the point that portlanders, aka people who generally like rain, are all starting to lose their minds. I had the advantage of having spent twelve of those days in the sun on operation ruby jewel, so I wasn’t around for the flooding, but yes, the cold and wet are getting old. A breath for warmth.
- So many things this week did not as expected, which wasn’t bad, it actually all turned out beautifully, I am just noticing that even at my most steady and full of trust in All-Is-Well, all the internal and external reconfiguring that are asked for when things go differently than anticipated, well, these can sometimes be energy intensive. A breath for the superpower of graceful adaptability.
- Transitions and in-betweens. Still no idea about what is next. A breath for safe passage and beautiful trust.
- The man who stopped me on the street and cut off my exit, the man standing in the middle of the street holding a giant stick in both hands and appearing unstable and angry, the men at dance whose hands linger too long, all the moments where men feel comfortable doing things that are uncomfortable, and are either mysteriously unaware of the immense discomfort they leave in their wake, or just do not care. Oh, and then I made the mistake of reading online about street harassment, which made things worse and not better. A breath for these not-fun experiences that are part of (my) every day reality as a woman, a breath for the near-constant fury I feel about both this situation and the general lack of acknowledgment that this is the situation, and a breath for change.
- My beautiful tree is gone and I am getting ready to leave my home and everything ends, and it is a lot at once. A breath for safe passage.
- The worst house-guests ever, who, in addition to all the things that put them on the top of that list, also inexplicably went out without their key and then pounded on the door at midnight until I got out of bed. Also, I was not particularly gracious about this, which I felt bad about in the morning. Either way though, I am done with ever having guests again, unless it is someone that I absolutely cherish. A breath for being done.
- Wanting to dismantle everything and not knowing where to start, and having the sense that 70% of my life is static. A breath for using the ground, like in dance, and for trust in right timing.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The incredible miracle that no one was hurt and no property was damaged when my giant maple tree pitched into the street during the wind storm. All the related miracles. A breath of deep thankfulness.
- Operation MONTAGE (my latest secret op, it’s dance-related but goes far beyond that) is the most transformative project I have ever undertaken, and I am finding it absolutely fascinating to observe what happens as I am in it. A breath for commitment to what I want, combined with warm loving presence and the willingness to change it up as needed.
- Doing my time with the void last week was powerful stuff, and this week I am out of my funk and feeling at ease with my life, even though yes, there is still no plan, and I’m exiting my home in a month. A breath for presence and self-treasuring.
- Speaking of self-treasuring, endless new intel about that, including the realization during X Marks The Spot that there is no need to search for the treasure, because I am the treasure. The only thing I need to do is treasure myself, that’s it. I also noticed that during the street harassment incidents, I felt annoyed but I wasn’t triggered. That’s pretty amazing, and I attribute that to the deep work that’s been happening during this mission of treasuring. A breath for getting to know what it’s like to be someone who knows (and remembers) how to treasure themselves.
- And speaking of epiphanies, week’s dance epiphany, combined with Operation Montage, has set off cascading dominoes of chain-reaction epiphanies. There are so many things my teachers say all the time — roll your feet, use the ground, spot your turns, keep your hand steady — and they all make sense, and sometimes I can apply them and sometimes I can’t, but this week suddenly I GOT IT in an entirely new way. As if my body finally understood on an entirely different level what these things mean. Suddenly all of these things are happening at once, and without effort. A breath of big big joy.
- Feeling positive and glowy about things, with absolutely no reason. A breath for this.
- Treasure in my life in the form of X Marks The Spot, sharing x-mess long-distance with a secret agent in Australia, waltz brunch, getting much better at cha cha and no longer being terrible at hustle, encouraging teachers, my wonderful housemate, the best hot water bottle, my luscious new sweater-coat. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life.
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
I received the decision this week to postpone Operation Shed Shed Shed and replace it with The Studio op. Interestingly I have still been shedding (that double meaning will never get old) via Operation Remove Static. Project MONTAGE and the 999 Mission are full speed ahead. Panther Time is good. Have a brand new plan for the Fountaining op. Sweet Honey is still on the back burner, and that feels okay. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for Wildly Glamorous Even In Sweatpants and Striding Towards My Yes, not expecting to get either of them because the former seemed impossible and the latter just scary, but actually both of these landed for me this week. The trick to the first was a combination of waking up with fantastic hair, and the aforementioned luscious new winter cloak. But then it just stuck around all week.
Powers I want.
The power of taking exquisite care of myself, the power of Standing Tall, the power of being (and feeling) powerful, fierce, graceful and beautifully embodied, panther-like. And of course remembering my invisible panther entourage who were instantly around me when the man in the street with the big stick was exhibiting erratic behavior. That feeling of “you really don’t want to mess with me”. I want that.
The Salve of Striding Towards My Yes.
This salve comes just in time for the usual new year’s bullshit that proliferates on the internet, when the finger-wagging “experts” deliver boring statistics about how many people “fail” to fulfill their resolutions, and how you should supposedly avoid being one of those people.
THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND. You of a year from now is an entirely different person than you of right now, it would be completely absurd and unfair to hold that person, that amazing person that you haven’t met yet, to promises made now, and even more so to blame them if they ended up going a different path because their yes was a new yes.
We can’t know what their yes is. We can only know, if we get quiet and really listen, what right-now yes is.
So really there is no greater gift to future you than releasing/absolving any “resolutions” to do certain things and be a certain way, otherwise we’re just setting ourselves up to feel guilty for not following through on something that may not even be relevant anymore to our yes of the moment.
We can seed wishes, intentions, set off in a direction that appeals, but nothing is more important than making it clear to our future selves that of course we support their mission, whatever it might turn out to be.
When we commit, lovingly and warmly, to following the yes trails where they lead, this subverts all the unsovereignty and guilt that generally gets built in to this yearly cultural ritual, and we are able to let incoming-us be free to be who they are and want what they want, in the way that they want it.
If you’re wondering how we do that, when the game is so rigged, and external culture is so loud and so guilt-driven, well, that’s why we have the salve.
When I rub this salve into my skin, I remember to turn inward instead of outward, to hear my yes instead of cultural expectations.
This salve rearranges things at the cellular level. It gets me breathing more steadily. It helps me trust that as long as I am true to my yes, staying present with it in the moment and allowing it to move and change as it wishes, I am doing great.
This is a secret self-treasuring salve and it is made of permission, power, self-knowledge, presence and exquisite streaming colored lights.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Write A Resistance
Their latest album is After The Juice, and actually this band is just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
The gorgeous and extremely magical 2016 calendars are ready — The Year Of Doors! — and I believe there are a few left. You can find yours here. The password: sweetdoors
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
trust in the wild winds
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 337th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
during the wild winds
monday morning during the wild winds
my beloved giant maple tree (one hundred and four years old)
uprooted and pitched into the street
lifting up three squares of concrete sidewalk with it,
its top branches landing — miraculously,
in the crook of a tree across the street,
its tons of weight precariously balanced
a tilting bridge
the usual pathways
standing aghast at the upstairs windows
I watched the neighbors flooding into the street and I watched
the way my body-mind took the most
familiar route through shock and loss, both in thoughts and sensation:
(1) agonizing pain in heart: who is dead?
(2) audible gasp-breath, exhale: oh thank god no one is dead, other than the tree
(3) prickling solar plexus panic in recognition of what could have happened, the many possible tragedies that weren’t, and how close they were
(4) lurching, unsteady: this will cost so much money
(5) chill of fear, top of spine: what if the other tree can’t hold long enough?
and then, slowly, remembering truth
truth tells me that in this moment I am okay
even when I think all is lost
even when my stunningly beautiful tree friend is dead
truth says: look at all the miracles
that is something, isn’t it
look at all the miracles
look at all the miracles
when I lost my center a few years ago
(double meaning: I lost my beautiful retreat center, the second one,
and also I lost my sense of center)
like in dance when you try something and it doesn’t work
and your teacher says, you lost your center there
you feel the truth of it, the momentary wobbliness,
eroding your training in how to use the ground
you forget how to move from your core with fierce intention
anyway, I lost my center, among other things,
and the pain of this loss
(grief-sorrow-shame-remorse-emptiness)
well, it was intense
during one of those hard days I was talking to Incoming Me
and I was wheel-grinding so hard
— why is this happening? why is this happening to me? what do I do? —
and she stopped me abruptly
wisdom from incoming me
“Listen, my love. Listen carefully. I know you aren’t ready to hear anything positive about this loss, and that’s fine; loss is loss, it is unbearably painful and that just is. You get to grieve as long and as hard as you need to.
“Understand this though. From now on, for the rest of your life, you only get miracles. So if something happens and it doesn’t look like a miracle, either look harder or trust deeper. You can investigate until the miracle becomes apparent, or just assume miracle. Whichever is easier in the moment. But know this: ONLY MIRACLES.”
miracles
without in any way negating or dismissing the
very real heartache of losing
this dear-to-me tree …
let us name the miracles, or some of the miracles,
since we can’t possibly know about all of them
- no one is dead!
- there was no damage to people or property other than sidewalk
- it didn’t fall in the other direction taking out half of our house
- the tree across the way gracefully catching it: wow
- my wonderful housemate, who has parked next to that tree every day for the past seven years, mysteriously parked a few houses away, if he’d chosen his usual spot, his (new!) car would have been obliterated
- a police officer arrived in less than five minutes (I know, right?!) and taped off the street so no one would drive beneath the tree and be crushed
- I have a friend who is an actual arborist who takes on dangerous tree-related missions every day, and was able to give wise comforting counsel
plenty
the arborist has a watch that says
PLENTY OF TIME
what time is it?
there’s plenty of time!
I don’t wear a watch but if I did, I would wear this one
no urgency, enough of what I need,
miracles are more plentiful than I think
and remembering this is its own miracle
treasure
the city sent people to cut down the tree
it took hours
then they left its body in the street, limbs splayed,
alone in the rain and cold and dark,
yellow police tape — “DO NOT CROSS” — marking its edges,
the wind finally at rest
I stood in the rain and touched the tree for a long time
treasuring it
crying a little
under the solstice moon
the tree is treasure and
treasuring the tree is treasure
sapphire
I went to the sapphire hotel (not a hotel)
and sat at the bar
sapphire for treasure and treasuring
ordering a drink called the lounge singer
because it had Zwack
which has a marvelous story,
and because I needed to be someone else
to access a part of me who can translate loss into song
and lounge singer felt right
it was a hungarian-norwegian solstice
between the Zwack and my friend the norwegian maple
sprawled on the street in front of my house
the insurance company says Act Of God
but I think the tree wanted out
(as impossible as that probably sounds)
I think it chose this timing
the dramatic solstice exit
this demonstration of the abundance of miracles
this big goodbye
no quiet-slipping-away the way I do
light
solstice is for turning towards light:
hey light, we see you, we know you are coming, trust
solstice is also for being okay with darkness,
dark things, dark times, the void, the narrow places
loss and perceptions of loss
december is TREASURE MORE in the fluent self calendar for 2015,
and LIGHT in 2016
I placed the pages next to each other on my wall
so they shared the message of
TREASURE MORE LIGHT
now I know my wish
that is my wish
to be someone who treasures light
and I am pretty sure someone who treasures (their own) light
is also someone who is strong enough to handle the void
and all the dark moments
what is inside my wish?
- seeing the miracles
- looking for the miracles when I can’t see them
- trusting that the miracles will be apparent later, as they usually are, so it’s okay if I can’t find them or name them yet
- trust in the wild winds, double meaning: I want to have trust while the wild winds are upon us, and also I want to trust in the wild winds themselves, that they are knocking down what is old and done, clearing out for what is next
- saying thank you when things do not seem to be miracles because they are endings and sad
- saying thank you for what was, for example thanking the year that was instead of glaring at it as it exits, thanking it both for its treasure and its exit
- remembering that there is plenty, plenty of time for me, plenty of things to treasure, plenty of tree-friends for me in this world
- treasuring the treasuring, because treasuring is healing, it is more than healing, it is downright REVOLUTIONARY
- this is also the week of X Marks The Spot, which is about mapping treasure, so I would like to do that
funny story
my proxy and cover story this week is that I am
writing a biography of Vanna White
(while living in a white van!)
and learning about being wildly glamorous
while living small
and Vanna White reveals treasure by giving clues
also, while researching the biography that I’m
not actually writing,
I learned that she tries to telepathically share
the correct letters during the bonus round
is that not beautiful
I treasure her treasuring of letters and their quiet magic
I wish
I wish to be/become an expert in treasure and treasuring,
treasuring myself, my body, my breath,
the miracles (both apparent and invisible),
the doors I cannot see yet,
the beautiful exits, dramatic or not,
the new places that ask me to enter
as I prepare to exit this year and the beautiful home that I have shared
for seven years with
the huge beautiful tree and my steady loyal housemate,
and as I ready myself to enter whatever is next
(as yet unknown)
I want this superpower of TREASURE MORE
more treasure and treasuring more
treasuring light more
glowing light into the hidden places
revealing gems
touching trees
smiling at the doors that open and at the doors that close
with trust in the wild winds
what do I know about my wish this week
it is the right wish to be wishing right now
and there is plenty of time
just like on the watch
for all the other wishes to have a home too
now
I am noticing so many other wishes popping up and saying
“notice me!”
like my wish for a gorgeous warm sweater
in a rich color
turtleneck or cowl-neck
to replace the sweater I found at a used clothing store
in Berlin many, many, many years ago
(recommendations are welcome)
or my wish for just-right dance practice space
so I am invoking the superpower of fractal flowers
somehow this wish about treasuring
will work its magic for all the clamoring and as-yet-unnamed wishes
I am learning their names and drinking ginger tea,
which is hitting the spot
oh!
what if Hits The Spot is part of the treasure map too
a parallel to X Marks The Spot
maybe we find the treasure through doing things that elicit pleasure
mmmmm I would like to choose more things that are as yes as this tea
saying YES YES YES this hits the spot
superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises.
december on the 2015 fluent self calendar is TREASURE MORE, with the superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises
on the cusp from TREASURE into FREEDOM
glowing light
treasuring what is
I am receptive to all incoming good surprises
and everything that comes from [here, now]
and from saying yes to doors
and to sweetness
thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about here, now…
it was a sweet wish about presence through truth, light, glowing
this week I was able to be surprisingly present with my BIG FEAR
and with the tree and its exit
with my yes and my not-yes
and notice all the places I have made unsovereign choices or not-choices
or just plain screwed up
and apologize
and remember that there are miracles in this
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡