What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish 295: bell exits / exit bells
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Exits.
The day before yesterday, Saturday, February 28 aka the day of leap, this was the last day of Playground.
The Playground is the center I opened in Portland five years ago. Five-years-minus-two-months. It is the thing I am most proud of having brought into this world, and the place where I feel the most joyful, safe, creative, held, loved.
And now it is gone.
I am in Portland for four more days but will not visit. In fact, I plan to avoid the street altogether, except for a mission with the ninja, and stopping by Back To Eden bakery to acquire delicious savory baked goods sans gluten to take on the road.
All timing is right timing, and this timing is especially right timing.
Saturday was the right day for the last day because:
- Erev Shmita, or Shmita Eve.The evening before the first day of my year of fallow fields.
- Goodbye playground and hello Secret S-word Society aka the Swoop aka the Switch is the perfect, well, switch. An ending into a beginning.
- The Playground told me this was the day and the time, and how to exit.
- The beautiful boy took the last furnishings and rugs and lamps out of the Playground and onto his truck, and I don’t want to see the space completely bare. I want to remember it in my last moments there, my last conducting/shavasana on my favorite red rug by my favorite lamp.
- Reasons that I don’t know yet and possibly may never know, because this is a secret op and I only have clearance for so much intel. Need to know basis. That’s how this works. All I need to know is that I am being led, and my only job in life is to follow what is indicated and trust that all is well. Literally right now that is my only job. And even when I go back to other jobs, that is the only important job. Knowing this is one of the many gifts of the Playground.
Gifts.
I was in shavasana, on the red rug where I have spent so many hours in yoga, in naps, in soaring bliss and in deep peaceful quiet. And I was crying a little, overwhelmed by the ending, and by how much the playground loves me, and what will I do without being able to be there.
I reminded myself of what we always say on the last day of retreat: once you have played at the playground, it lives in you forever. A blueprint in every cell. You can’t lose this.
I cried and listened to the playground, and the playground said:
I brought you the [situation that forced you out], this is my gift to you even if it may not look like one. Think of it as the most loving way I could bump you out of the nest and get you to fully commit to the road. I knew you didn’t want to leave me, so I invited a situation that would make you want to leave.
And then I felt full of peacefulness, and in that moment the boy sat down next to me and took my hand in his very gently, and his hand was so warm, and I could feel his heart full of sweetness, the way he just holds peace and calm for me, and the playground said:
I brought you this too. I brought you this boy, and I have brought you every wish you have ever made here in these five years of wishing. If any haven’t arrived yet, they’re on the way.
I have fulfilled your wishes, all of them, sometimes in forms that seem different than what were imagining, because that was right. And now I am coming with you, so we will still be together. Talk to me whenever you want.
All the superpowers of the playground are yours. Happy Shmita. I love you and am with you always.
I have two stones next to me.
Hand-painted by Richard. One stone was a gift for me when I became a bell, the other was made for a voyage that went somewhere unexpected.
One says exit and one says bell.
These are my clues and my companions right now.
I am the bell of exiting. This is the bell of exit, this is the exit bell.
Exit with bells. Exit the bell. Exit as a bell. Ring the bell of exits.
Right now my secret agent name is Bell West. Bell is for resonance, and also Bell is my middle name, and bell as a verb. And west because West in the compass is GLOW, which is the visual form of resonating. And west in my new compass is CLARITY, and I want to be a bell of clarity.
And west is the western united states which is where I will be on Shmita: Utah, Nevada, California, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming and South Dakota. This is the territory of Operation True Yes aka Rosh Tzalul.
And there is more intel I haven’t received yet about why Bell and West and Exit…
I am Bell West, the Exit Bell and the Bell of Exits.
The last thing.
The last thing I did at the Playground before exiting, was to ring the bell that hangs from the magical elevator shaft, and then I took the bell with me.
Actually that was the third-to-last thing.
As I approached the door for the last time, I paused to remove the sign that says exit as you wish to continue, and tucked it into my bag. As I was doing this, I suddenly noticed that the wallpaper covering the inside of the door glass is POMEGRANATES with beautiful CROWNS.
How is it possible that for [five years minus two months] I have looked at pomegranates every day, multiple times a day, and only this year recognized that this is the symbol for everything I want in my life and business, and only now realized that past-me planted this clue for me to find.
I have always just thought it was a pretty pattern and never really looked at it. I laughed, as I have so many times at the Playground, in so many startling and hilarious moments of realization.
Agent Annabelle, who has rallied at Rally many, many times says, “Geniuses like to leave fun clues for themselves to discover later. For the fun!” This makes me laugh too.
So many gifts, so many clues.
One of the first things that went into the Playground was a full size tree decal on the wall. When I peeled off all the leaves on Saturday, I discovered that if you change their orientation, they are diamonds. This whole time I thought the tree was to remind me about grounding, but it was also to remind me about treasure.
And when I took the last piece of the playground — a giant bulletin board, a piece of paper I have never seen before slipped from the back of it and onto the floor.
A white piece of paper with a watercolor painting of a flower and the words Thank You.
What is my wish? What do I want?
My new mysterious project for Shmita is to become a playground.
To learn the quiet art of becoming a playground.
To carry the essence of playground with me so that everywhere I go I am grounded and playful and charged up with magic and fully aware of how deeply loved I am. Just like when I am conducting on the floor of the playground, held in love.
And I want to learn how to work without working (oh right, that’s what play is, that’s why I made a playground), and how to do without overdoing, or really, how to do without doing.
And also to release resentment/frustration about the [monsternumber] of things that need attention before I climb into the boy’s truck and set off on the road for this adventure.
What do I know about becoming/being a playground?
- I skip stones!
- I rest before I need rest
- there is always tea and snacks
- rich sumptuous colors and textures, sexy deep reds and oranges
- I play with identity and invite in new aspects of me just like at rally
- I delight in being barefoot or wearing the comfiest socks
- spirals spirals spirals
- I walk around and blow bubbles and receive clues (sometimes I walk backwards)
- conducting and clearing out (whoosh, to the elevator shaft!)
- clear firm glowing boundaries
- only inviting in things that are beautiful
- humming and glowing and filling up on love
- bells
What do I know about what I want?
If I believe/remember that it is already done, I can just be it.
And if I forget how to believe/remember, I can pretend that it has already happened and then I can reverse-engineer and figure out how I might have gotten there.
Now.
Something we always say at Rally is “change your place change your luck”, which is kind of like going widdershins.
And today I was deep in Nothing Is Working, and overwhelmed because my house is full of Playground things, and so I am hiding out in the guest room, and it is so peaceful there, and everything is better now.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Let’s have an RGW (Replenishing Glass of Water)
Me: (drinks)
She: Look at all the aliveness around you. Just from where you are sitting you can see three plants, two flowers, trees outside. There is so much life in this life. All the things you are worried about are distractions and maya (illusion). Choose to be part of this flourishing of life. Plants and flowers are not caught up in doing. Choose things that remind you about breath and pleasure.
Clues?
Agent Anna saw a sign that says “ATTENTION! Bell will ring without warning.”
She sent me a picture. I love this so much. I am also a bell who will ring without warning.
The superpower of delighting in plenty
The quality for February on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar was APPRECIATE and the superpower was I See Beauty Everywhere.
Now we are in March, and the quality is RECEIVE, with the superpower of delight in plenty.
They go together so seamlessly for me. This past week I was really starting to feel Appreciation kicking in, and something opened in my heart from all those thank-yous, and now I am ready to fill up on Receiving.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, not a big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Things I find helpful when working with intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka follow me through the rubble…
What a big upheaval of a week, and what a perfect wish. The shitstorm resolved itself (or maybe it didn’t and I just don’t care?), I took the exit sign and said thank you, and I no longer think the wallet is ugly. Also I now see why the thing that looked like destruction is actually treasure.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
If you want a handmade buttmonster from the Playground, we have a few left: $22 + $5.95 shipping = $27.95
If you want a Playground mug and a pack of stone skipping cards: $30 + $12.65 shipping = $42.65
Just send a note and we’ll set it up. Not sure about international shipping but Richard might know.
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 344: And Smash
It is Friday Saturday and we are here.
{a breath for the Chicken showing up when it’s ready.}
What worked this week?
Giving up!
Thursday night at around midnight I was still working. And very annoyed. Not only about the latest frustrating challenge keeping me up, but also about all the other similar midnights I’ve been through.
My business will be ten years old on Saturday.
That’s ten years of saying “okay, this is the last time it will be like this, just one last push and then we’re done”. I did not like this thought.
This was a rough week for me, in a lot of ways, and I was imagining sitting down to write the chicken and instead just saying: YOU KNOW WHAT NOTHING WORKED THIS WEEK BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS STUPID AND AWFUL THE END.
Band of the week: Ugh. Salve: Screw Everything. Superpower: Giving Up.
So I was sitting there thinking, “I give up, I give up, I give up, I can’t do this anymore.”
But then this switch happened and I suddenly felt so joyful about this! Like, HEY WAIT A MINUTE! I COULD JUST GIVE UP! OHMYGOD! I GET TO GIVE UP!
And suddenly that felt amazing. I mean, that’s the essence of Shmita. Giving up on things that are not working is releasing, which is what I want to be doing anyway.
Next time I might…
Give up sooner.
And surround myself with people who support this. Yeah! Give up!
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My knee isn’t healed enough to dance, and I’m missing Rose City Swing, a dance convention taking place this weekend in Portland, something I’ve been looking forward to for the past year. This is the worst. I mean, I know that this is not my bus, because if it were my bus I’d be on it. And I know that it is good for me right now to be away from the competitive, comparison-heavy mentality of the dance world. It’s just hard for me to trust this right now. So. A breath for trust, patience, healing.
- The nightmares are back. A breath for rewriting, and for restful sleep.
- Consulting with lawyers about the distressing thing in my work space. A breath for remembering that sometimes the right door is an exit.
- Working on projects and waiting for other people to get back to me with critical intel. The ball is in all the courts but mine. A breath for trusting in right timing, and for the sovereign superpower of calmly and warmly requesting updates.
- Somehow we didn’t save vital posts from last year’s Floop (my online community) when everything got erased during Dry Dock. And the backup disappeared. And the 2013 backup is the an old version and anyway we couldn’t re-install, and the Secret Sword Society is embarking this weekend and suddenly we din’t have any of the orientation material. We uploaded it somewhere else but that still meant sorting through THIRTY THOUSAND POSTS. After about a million hours, we finally found the search terms that worked, but it’s still the old material without my rewrites, ugh. Speaking of millions of hours, my entire week was like that. For example, I thought a project would take two hours so I allotted three, plus an additional two hours to get in the right headspace for doing it. Nope, it took NINE HOURS. This whole week was just one long frustrating experience of everything being infinitely more complicated than I wanted it to be, and re-doing the work I’d already done. A breath for this.
- I didn’t get to see my lover this week at all, partly because he was sick and mostly because we are both working our asses off so that we can hit the road for Operation True Yes. Except what is the point of being in the same city with the person you want to be near if you never see them, and what is the point of working towards LATER if you can’t be together now, and anyway, I don’t believe in later. A breath for me.
- So many endings. A breath for saying goodbye with love, and for new eyes so I can find the treasure and enjoy the beautiful beginnings taking form.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My knee is doing better this week. Actually my knee no longer hurts at all, just parts of my lower leg, on and off, depending on many things but mostly my mood. It’s still not predictable enough to test it out on the dance floor, but I am walking with ease, and stairs don’t bother me anymore. A breath of love for my body for being so clear about what it needs.
- Long talks with my lover (by text because we haven’t seen each other in eight stupid days) about what we want to be doing with our lives. A breath for insight, sweetness, seeing new paths forming.
- Spend most of this week at the Playground, soaking up its love and magic, resting in the hammock, looking at the ceiling, listening. A breath for being loved, because I have never felt more loved than when I am there letting it love me.
- So much joy and appreciating for things in my life that are beautiful. Usually when I’m going through a rough time, I can’t see any of this, but right now even in the hard, I am enjoying so much. The sensation of my feet on the ground, my marvelously comfortable shoes, the miracle of taking a bath, the wonderful thing that is moisturizer, the taste of this tea. A breath for the superpower of enjoying what is.
- While I was panicking about [Situation], my wonderful friend Alon gave me some of the best counsel I’ve ever received on the topic of NO, LISTEN, THIS IS ALL GOOD. Which is also what the Playground told me: “There is no bad news here, there is only being Redirected towards something more congruent.” A breath for remembering this, and for finding the treasure.
- In five days I am leaving for Operation True Yes aka Operation Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months in a camper with a boy, being places that are not Portland, and uncovering, I hope, what I want to do next and where I want to live, and what this all might look like. A breath for a grand adventure.
- The thing that looked like the biggest obstacle might in fact be the most beautiful exit. A breath for saying SWITCH, and having everything switch.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Lira is in town! My suitcase arrived! I have new glasses for the first time in nine years. The cherry blossoms are going crazy and it smells like spring. Emptying out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Good grief this week. I did more ops than I can even remember. Got the Secret Sword Society ready, on schedule! Emptied out even more of the Playground. Wrote a very hard letter. Met with the attorney. The Munich op is taken care of. Got the necessary provisions for Operation True Yes. It’s happening! Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
There are two kinds of asking why…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Knowing That I Am Okay.
Powers I want.
I will take the power of Completely Trusting The Adventure, along with Paying Attention To What I Want And Need, and also Delighting In Surprise Exits.
The Salve of Screw Everything: Giving Up!
Normally I think of this in terms of Letting Go, or Releasing, but Screw Everything Giving Up is about reaching the point where you realize you just don’t want to do something anymore.
It is a combination of the sweet softening of Surrender, with the bold, clear, firm deep body knowing of saying Not Going To Do This, Dammit.
This salve has a cooling, calming effect. It establishes boundaries. When this salve touches my skin, I can feel not only my internal space change, but how my immediate external space changes as well. It becomes more defined. The space around me sparkles.
It is a joyful giving up, because I realize that I don’t have to do [it] anymore. The [it] that I don’t have to do might be a pattern, or a way of thinking. A behavior, an approach, a belief, a chore, a way of doing or a way of being. Whatever it is, I don’t have to do it, and I don’t have to do it that way.
This is a salve of options because when I decide to give up, new doors open for me.
Or maybe they were already there but I couldn’t see them because I was still trying to hammer at [it] instead of giving up.
When I wear this salve, I breathe more peacefully, and suddenly I am smiling and I don’t quite know why. This salve is comforting like chamomile, but it also has a zing of possibility to it. I never knew giving up could be so much fun, but it’s kind of celebratory, who knew.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Amye and it’s called Husband And Smash, their latest album is Do You Take This Smash, and it is a very loud band with a gigantic drum set that plays in a completely not-soundproofed room, and yes, it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
The page is many years old and needs rewriting! Copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office filled with thank you notes, and most of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Wish 294: follow me through the rubble
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
So here’s something interesting.
A couple weeks ago, Incoming Me got a bee in her bonnet about replacing my wallet.
It was weird because I love my wallet and see no need to replace it. My current process of slowly and gradually releasing everything that Does Not Spark Joy has resulted in a highly calibrated sense of joy sparks, and my wallet easily passes the joy spark test.
But Incoming Me wanted me to get a new one, specifically a protected one, and she kept poking me about it until I started researching wallets. At first I thought she meant something that could be hidden, but what she actually wanted was RFID shield.
We argued about this, which was both stupid and not stupid.
Stupid and not stupid.
Stupid, because Incoming me is always right, so why argue.
And also not stupid, because Nothing Is Wrong. I keep learning (and re-learning) that no, I can’t screw things up, no matter how much I argue with or ignore my wise internal counsel. This is good to remember.
Yes, things will be good if I follow her advice. And no, nothing is doomed if I don’t. Everything is already recalibrating to meet my new decision, just like when Siri says to go right and I go left.
Anyway, my argument was that there was no reason to replace the wallet that I love (an absolutely gorgeous Hobo wallet which I acquired brand new for a preposterously low sum of money when no one else bid on it on ebay), and anyway, why spend more money when there are already so many things that need replacing.
The Don’t Spent Money monsters won out for a while, but then Incoming Me said, “Listen to me. You don’t need a visible reason. The fact that a reason isn’t apparent doesn’t mean this isn’t the right move. I’m telling you that this is indicated and this is what needs to be done.”
So I took care of it.
I ordered both a wallet and passport holder. They arrived. The passport protector is great but the wallet is ugly. It did not spark joy and I didn’t want to use it. It went back into the box, and then the box got put on the floor and then, I don’t know.
The plan was to return it or exchange it, but then life has been even more busy than usual, and it just kept getting pushed to the bottom of the list.
Then this week I had to spend two entire days dealing with Fraud Detection Services and my bank, because over the course of two days all my cards were used by someone else.
It seems very likely the numbers were stolen via a card reader, because one of the cards I only use online and never in real life, and the other I use only in real life and never online, and both were compromised in the same two day period. I don’t use ATMs and thanks to the knee injury, I haven’t been anywhere someone could have gone through my wallet.
Anyway, someone made a charge of two thousand dollars to a clothing company in the UK, various other charges were made and I have been busy cleaning up this mess. In the meantime, all my cards have been canceled so I had to order new ones and then physically go to the bank and pick them up.
In short, it’s been annoying, exhausting, time-consuming.
But I didn’t make the connection
I was grumbling about this to myself, and then I asked Incoming Me for help, and she said, “Oh honey, I am so sorry. Nothing is wrong, babe. And no one is blaming you here. This is going to be fine.”
And I had no idea what she was talking about, why would anyone blame me for anything here. It’s just stupid bad luck.
PAUSE.
Ohhhhhhh.
Got it. This is why you told me to get the wallet. The one I didn’t use.
What else do I know about this?
Last week Incoming Me also told me to get new water bottles, and we didn’t agree on the number needed.
I was counting the green one in my bag (well, it belongs to the boy), and she said, no replace that one too, and I said we were already spending too much money on provisions for the trip to the desert.
Then this morning the green bottle slipped out of my hand while crossing a bridge, and it broke.
Speaking of bridges….
I asked Incoming Me what was good about spending the day at the bank.
She: What do you think?
Me: Well, I ran into Chris there. That was unexpected and kind of interesting. And also someone I know from Waltz Brunch. I don’t usually run into anyone outside of my neighborhood.
She: What does that make you think of?
Me: Berlin. The day after I decided to move to San Francisco. I was walking across the Oberbaumbrücke, and I saw three different people I knew. As if deciding to leave suddenly showed me I had built a life there. But it was also a sign that it was time to leave.
She: What else do you think of when you think of this?
Me: After I crossed the bridge, I met up with Sten and we walked in the park, and — oh! He said WHERE IS THE BRIDGE. He meant metaphorically, in relation to our conversation, but it ended up being a big clue, and then I went to San Francisco and a thing happened with the Golden Gate bridge, and then I moved to Portland aka Bridgetown, and now I am leaving because all the signs right now are exit signs.
All signs point this way.
Since September I have been trying to figure out how let go of everything so that I can go into Shmita: a sabbatical-like year of Easing and Releasing.
Last week something — a total shitstorm of a something — happened, something related to both my center (the Playground) and the chocolate shop that I am reluctantly in charge of.
I was sitting there, on the floor of the Playground, in shock. Trying to figure out if this grand falling apart of everything was as bad as it looked or a secret exit. Because if the past few years have taught me anything, it’s this: When I say “oh wow what a nightmare”, it invariably turns out that it’s actually “oh wow what a blessing”.
I know now to look at bad news and see it as Perceived Bad News That Is Probably Good. And at the very least it’s fine, it’s neutral, nothing is wrong.
But probably good. Because if Shiva the god of destruction and deconstruction and re-creation has just sent a tornado through my life, it’s a favor. The tornado is for me, and the igniting of everything is for me, so that I can finally see the glow-in-the-dark exit signs for me which say, “This way, my love, this way, the exit is this way, come follow me through the rubble, just follow the signs….”
And right now all signs point to Getting Out Of Here.
So I’m going to say thank you and follow them.
This requires all the superpowers of incoming me.
What are the superpowers?
- The Superpower of Marvelously Unfazed aka Full-Hearted Faith In Safety.
- Superpower of Transforming Spaces. Anything can be a space and therefore this moment is a space, and I can charge it up with magic, wonder and delight.
- Superpower of Joyful Courage
- Superpower of Rising Easily and Gloriously From The Ashes Like A Boss. Well, and Like A Phoenix.
- Superpower of This Moment Is New.
- Superpower of I Only Get Blessings So This Is A Blessing.
- Superpower of I Am A Bell of Easing & Releasing.
- Superpower of I can be in this moment by blessing it, and I don’t have to do anything for this to happen other than remember this. Abraham Joshua Heschel said just to be is a blessing, so there you are. I am here in this moment, here and aware that this moment is a blessing (noun and verb).
What do I know about what I want?
To exit gracefully, with a full heart of thank you.
To trust Incoming Me implicitly, to trust that what my wise self indicates is good for me.
To follow the signs.
Now.
My dining room table is covered with things I rescued from the Playground.
It is good that they are out of the Playground. It is good that we have these things. It is not good that they now live on my dining room table.
All week Incoming Me has been saying, “Hey babe, it’s time to move on this”, and I’ve been saying “yeah I’ll get to it after this other thing”, and now it is time to just do something about this. I’m not sure what that is.
So I’m just going to put this here:
If you want one of the amazing hand-made playful meditation cushions that were made especially for the Playground, send us a note. $12 + $10 shipping = $22. Yes, that is less than we paid for them. (these are sold out!)
If you want the original and only remaining copy of the Playground User Manual aka the PLUM, it’s $20 + $12.65 shipping = $32.65 (sold!)
If you want a handmade buttmonster: $22 + $5.95 shipping = $27.95
If you want a Playground mug and a pack of stone skipping cards: $30 + $12.65 shipping = $42.65
Anyway, send a note. Not sure about international shipping but Richard might know.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Everything about this situation is right. Even the things that seem like they are taking way too long, or taking you the wrong way around.
Me: That is really hard for me to accept.
She: You don’t have to accept it, my love. It’s true either way. You are okay. This is okay. In fact, this is a great place to be. There is so much love for you. Just keep following. And even if you don’t, I’m here.
Clues?
All the bridges are clues. And also this moment is a bridge.
The superpower of seeing beauty everywhere.
The quality for February on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is APPRECIATE.
And the February superpower is I See Beauty Everywhere.
This is perfect because right now the beauty is in the falling apart, which means I get to appreciate something I wasn’t expecting to appreciate. And the beauty I see right now is the love and acceptance that future me has for me, the way she wants to take care of me.
Special wishes! Recommendations please!
Some things I need/want for the upcoming trip that I don’t have, or don’t spark joy. So I am receptive to recommendations from you, dear reader, as long as they elicit real JOY SPARKS for you! Not just something that works. Something that makes you smile.
- Cuticle cream
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. My business is thriving happily. This doesn’t require my input! I think like a dancer. Ha, it’s so perfect that things turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this. Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good. I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive the gifts that are winging their way to me.
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka a very clear kind of clear…
Yes, that was hilarious. Things are very, very, very clear right now. Not yet the peaceful lucid blue water clarity but headed in that direction.
And I ordered water bottles! Thanks for the help! Who knew it’s such a complicated mission, water bottles are an agonizingly pretentious world unto itself, as it turns out.
The Kor bottle is gorgeous except ohmygod the way they go on about how it’s actually a Hydration Vessel. Guys, guys. It’s a water bottle.
The S’Well bottles are so beautiful I can hardly stand it, and the electric eel color is serious joy sparks for me, but even once I got over the price (because really, I spend that much anyway when the cheaper ones keep falling apart) the reviews make it seem like not a good risk.
The BKR bottles are stunning until you read the copy on the site which made me want to never go to LA again. I could just sit around and hate-read the website all day. I may have gotten one anyway. They’re pretty appealing, even if I’m not the right audience for the descriptions.
And I ultimately went with Retap because they are beautiful and simple and apparently will not ever leak in my bag. Still working on the other ops. Thank you everyone for the suggestions!
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 343: What am I working?
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Treating the emotion, not the symptom.
Straight to the source.
Next time I might…
Ask for help.
I hit a situation I couldn’t handle on my own, and instead of asking for help (internal or external), I just kept alternating between running at it headlong or trying to avoid it, both of which were — surprise! — totally ineffective.
I was so stuck on this that I forgot about the fox and the video game.
Yesterday I met a new version of Incoming Me or slightly-wiser me, and she solved so many things with her superpowers of Marvelously Unfazed By Any Of This and Creative Exits and I See The Hidden Treasure In This Situation.
I asked why we hadn’t met yet, and she said: Invite me and I’ll show up.
That’s basically what asking for help is. Give a clear invitation. I forget this and I am ready to remember it.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- While I am doing a lot less hobbling and a lot more walking, the knee injury is still a thing and I still can’t dance and if one of the lessons here is patience, I still haven’t learned that one either because I hate this. A breath for release and relief.
- Working too hard in preparation for not-working. As someone said, “I just want to be working my body, instead of working whatever it is I’m working. What am I working? Worry I guess, I work at worrying.” Right. Me too. And that’s stupid. A breath for Shmita, and for remembering that there is no later so choose with love now.
- God I miss dancing. Also I feel conflicted about dancing. That was a big theme of the week. A breath for all parts of me, and for the solution to this, which is love.
- Completely blindsided by a very distressing thing in the space I rent, something I can’t currently talk about. Multiple confrontations, always fun. And of course I went into all my patterns, including placating mode (“please don’t hate me!”), and this resulted in feeling extremely shaky. A breath for safety, for acknowledgment and legitimacy, for noticing patterns with love, for interrupting patterns with love, for taking care of myself with love.
- Both the above situation and the not being able to talk about it really threw me for a loop, and I haven’t been able to focus on any other work stuff. A breath for this being okay
- Apart from my lover for six long days. A breath for missing.
- So many monsters about money, and money-related things right now. I really don’t want to believe the narrative of It Doesn’t Pay To Be The Good Guy, however all evidence is currently pointing towards it. A breath for a new way of seeing the pieces.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- On Wednesday I woke up with no pain in my knee, and had THREE WHOLE CONSECUTIVE HOURS of no pain. And now I can bend it in a new way, very exciting. I’m walking without the brace. Some things still hurt. But in general there is big improvement. A breath of appreciation and gratitude for this.
- Managed to successfully subvert Valentines day, a day I generally loathe, by intentionally spending it with The Vicar. We drank delicious tea and talked about life stuff and avoided the internet. A breath for rewriting.
- Many beautiful hours in the Playground, soaking up its love and magic. A breath for the sweetest goodbyes.
- The years of All The Barns Burning taught me that there is only good, that sometimes blessings are astonishingly well-disguised but the blessing is there. And, more importantly, the blessing isn’t just a yin to the yang dot of good in a sea of hard, or a silver lining to a cloud. Invariably it turns out that the experience itself is treasure and leads to more treasure. It just takes time to be revealed. This deep internal knowing kept me from massively falling apart about the [situation]. A breath for this hard-earned life wisdom, which is also part of the treasure of the burning barns from then.
- As Agent Annabelle wisely said to my monsters, “Monsters: this story is still unfolding! SETTLE DOWN.” A breath for remembering this, and for backing off to look at things from the perspective of listening to a story. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Superpower of “settle down and listen to the story!”
- Being back in my lover’s arms after our time apart and all that missing. A breath for pure joy.
- Wise counsel from friends. A breath for this is what it is like to be adored and cared for.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Emptying out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Did even more Playground-emptying. Made the (metaphorical) call. Dealt with the Munich op. Dispatched two more ops that have been super stuck. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
This one is from SEVEN YEARS AGO, and I’d probably rewrite it today and add a bunch of things, but wise-me was wise, and this is full of love and permission, so here you go: The little-known self-work practice of watching TV…
Superpowers I had this week…
Okay, this is so funny. For the least three weeks or so I’ve said the power I want is Totally Unfazed By Any Of This. Because my life is basically the opposite of that right now.
Until yesterday when out of nowhere, I encountered the me who is Marvelously Gloriously Unfazed, and got to watch her work. She is incredible. So now I know what this power feels like, and I just want to keep playing with that.
And even when I got thrown, she wasn’t fazed by how fazed I was, and showed me how to find the treasure.
Powers I want.
I will throw into the pot again the one called I Let Myself Really Know What I Want Instead Of Hiding It From Myself Out Of Fear. I had a taste of that this week, and I want more.
And I will take the power of perfect simple solutions everywhere.
The Salve of Marvelously Unfazed.
This salve is wonderfully steadying. It is the salve of pause, take a breath, reset. It is the salve of enjoying the red lights, knowing you are okay in this moment, and that whatever you think is bad news may well turn out to be fine.
When I wear it, I feel it sinking into my skin with so much permission, so much presence, that my focus changes.
Suddenly I see the yellow daffodils, the rich redness of the rug, the things that are steady, good, supportive, available for me to appreciate.
I remember that love is inside of me, not something I need to go out and acquire or obtain or earn. I remember that solutions will reveal themselves when I get quiet enough to listen, so I put my hand on my heart, and feet on the floor, and take care of myself and breathe.
When I wear this salve, I see things as just right. Put on hold for ten minutes? Perfect, that’s more time to ask Incoming Me for advice. Someone banging on a drum set while I’m trying to work? I’m being redirected to work in a cafe, and/or this is my chance to get better at smiling while being firm and clear about what I want and need.
And everything I try is an experiment. Whether it “works” and I get the result I want, or I get a different result altogether, I am Marvelously Unfazed because I am just gathering intel, and this is all useful intel.
This salve makes it easier to navigate. And it gives me sweet dreams.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from my conversation with the Vicar, it’s called Reiki Infused Sex Toys, their latest album is Their Butt For The Grace Of God, and it might or might not be just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
It’s the last week to join the Secret Sword Society, embarking at the end of February! It’s the only thing I’m doing this year and it’s going to be amazing.
And I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Wish 293: a very clear kind of clear
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Questions and answers.
I turned the page in my notebook, and discovered a clue that past-me had left on the inside of the back cover, a quote from Zora Neale Hurston:
“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
Yes.
Answers.
Hope said that to me when I was distraught after the colossal disintegration and flailure (yes, with that’s how I spell it) of my business expansion.
Not only had I just lost my big dream, I’d gotten stuck with a chocolate shop instead, and I was so completely bewildered and shell-shocked by life.
That was definitely a year that asked. Actually there were three years that were question years, and then around September, the year turned and started answering. I am suddenly in a year that is full with answers.
Answers that I have questions about, hahahaha, because that is how answers work. They invite questions. They ask to be trusted, but they also ask to be investigated.
What do I know about these answers.
In September I knew that what I wanted was Shmita. A year of Easing and Releasing.
But I didn’t act on this intel because I didn’t think it was possible.
In November, my lover and I took off to the desert, and this little adventure turned into six very intense weeks that revealed even more answers.
It became clear that I need to stop working, and I need to let go.
I need to let go of the Playground (my unbelievably magical center that I’ve run in Portland for the last five years. To let go of my beautiful home, at least temporarily. To actively release everything that does not spark joy.
My body told me in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t stop working, it would stop working for me. And I said, okay okay got it, and then I kept working, and then about a month ago my knee stopped functioning, mysteriously, out of the blue.
It is time to listen. And it is time to receive the next set of answers that will come from that listening.
Clear.
I woke up the other day with this pairing of words in my head:
Rosh tzalul
It means clear head, clear-headed, but it is more interesting than that.
Hebrew has multiple words for clear, and tzalul is the right word for the job in a way that “clear” just doesn’t begin to come close.
Tzalul is clear like water. I flash on the week I once spent doing glorious nothing on a beach in Turkey, and how the water there is so blue, and you can see all the way to the bottom.
Tzalul is clear like when your mind is clear: lucid.
Tzalul can be related to tzlil, a sound, or a quality of sound, or tziltzul, a ringing, like a bell. Also tzlila, which is diving. Diving, into and beneath those clear waters.
Tzalul
It is not clear like light/bright, that is a different word, and it is not clear like emptied, that is something else, and it is not clear like obvious.
It is this particular water and bells and lucidity kind of clear, and that is what I want, and that is why I need to drop everything and care for myself and my body like I never have before.
That is the next indicated step, and the only question in all these answers is this:
Am I going to live by this intel, am I going to live by the clear sea that is the clear c?
What do I know about this?
It has to do with choosing the void instead of avoiding the void.
It is a mission of following the trail of joy sparks.
More than that, it’s committing to the mission of following the trail of joy sparks.
It makes sense that I feel trepidation about saying yes to my yes. That’s partly because this is a highly unconventional yes, it goes against our entire culture of Do More and Produce and Ass In Chair and Finish What You Started and Your Time Is Not Your Own and Swim With The Stream.
And it’s partly because if that was the answer that emerged from six weeks of getting quiet and turning inward, who knows what scary shit will reveal itself if I really stop keeping myself busy all the time.
So I’m allowed to feel conflicted about Shmita (letting the fields be fallow) and about rosh tzalul (my head is clear, I am a bell in a belltower), and about desiring these things. That is okay.
What else do I know about what I want?
There is big deprogramming to do here.
I need to stop measuring things in any of the old ways.
It is so easy to think about what I am “losing” each day that I don’t have a tenant for the space, each day that I don’t finish project X or fulfill goal Y. That has nothing to do with truth.
Truth is that I am okay, right now, in this moment and in all the moments, and nothing is more important than taking care of myself so I can remember this.
What’s next.
The beautiful boy and I have been trying to reschedule Operation True Yes. We were supposed to run away to Puerto Rico and that fell through, it was an initial yes that transformed into a not-yes, or a not-yet-yes.
And now we are talking about just getting in the truck and going out to the desert and staying there for a while. Like, a while. A WHILE.
And we need to just make this happen because otherwise we will get sucked into work and life, into preparing instead of going, which is a big theme for me.
I was raised by people who preferred thinking about going or talking about going, not actually going. Which is fine, if that’s what you prefer and you know that. Nothing wrong with being someone whose pleasure is dreaming and imagining.
It’s just that I grew up thinking [big huge life changes] were about to happen, because they were constantly being talked about like this was real, when it wasn’t ever going to happen, and it took me many, many years to understand that.
It’s time to go. Not out of urgency or scarcity or what if I miss it. Going because it is indicated. Going because this is my yes. Not waiting while I think about my yes. Saying yes to my yes.
An affair with yes.
This is what the beautiful boy called it. We are having an affair with yes.
I had been panicking about this knowing, these answers, and this is so funny because during the Years of Questions, I would have done a lot to have some answers, and now that I have them, they scare me.
It’s okay to feel all these feelings when you are having a wild passionate affair with yes.
What do I really want?
To be still, breathe, notice my feet on the floor, feel the floor, trust, release, love, trust some more.
Now.
I am in bed, a bolster under my knees, which right now is the only way I can sit comfortably, and even that not for very long.
Sun is streaming in through the windows we put in at the end of summer. A lot has changed since the end of summer. The window came just in time for answers.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: It is safe to chase joy.
Me: To chase? That’s an interesting word choice, especially when right now I am hobbling, not chasing.
She: It is safe. To chase joy, walk with joy, catch up to joy, picnic with joy, dance with joy, sleep with joy. Everything you do that is a yes to joy is a good move.
Clues?
Everything with breath. Breath accompanies the action. Like shooting an arrow. Let’s choose towards that.
And the guy in front of me on the bus this morning who said, suddenly, very loudly, “I AM UPSET ALL THE TIME.” Let’s choose away from that.
The superpower of seeing beauty everywhere.
The quality for February on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is APPRECIATE.
And the February superpower is I See Beauty Everywhere.
This has to do with rosh tzalul and my clear mind. That’s the lens. That is how I see beauty. Or, alternately, I can stop and see beauty, and this will clear my mind.
Special wishes! Recommendations please!
Some things I need/want for the upcoming trip that I don’t have, or don’t spark joy. So I am receptive to recommendations from you, dear reader, as long as they elicit real JOY SPARKS for you!
- Slip-on shoes that are comfortable and attractive. I like just socks in the truck and being able to slip something on fast to pop into the camper or a supermarket. I have very sexy clogs with gorgeous wooden three inch heels, these are not the right tool for the job, as much as I love the admiring look of the boy every time I don’t fall while balanced precariously on the metal trailer beam. And I have a pair of Danskos that are like wearing square blocks on my feet and I just do not feel even remotely attractive, and attractive is going to be extra-important since I’m not going to be showering that much. What do you like?
- Water bottle. Sturdy, attractive, glass would be nice, not Lifefactory.
- Flip flops: sturdy, attractive, comfortable.
- A really great sundress, something that travels well and not too cleavage-ey.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. My business and ballroom are thriving happily. This doesn’t require my input! I think like a dancer. Ha, it’s so perfect that things turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this. Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good. I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive the gifts that are winging their way to me. Superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers!
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka take care of yourself and you shall receive…
I got some very unexpected results from this wish, one of which is that I stopped crying about letting go of the Playground. Another unexpected result is that the boy and I decided to leave town.
And yet another result is that I am dealing with a situation I neglected for a very long time.
So this wasn’t what I had in mind at all when I made the wish, and I couldn’t be happier about this.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox