What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

Latibulation on my mind

by Havi Brooks | Aug 24, 2023 | my personal practice

tall sunflowers and mullein plants by my gate

Getting clues from how my very tall friends (sunflowers and mullein) are effortlessly flourishing…

Happy week!

It is Thursday for me and possibly Friday for you, this week’s essay is delayed because I had to nap it out this week and then was in too much of a big mood to edit this, but here we are, hi!

FYI I am still somehow on twitter which is now X, and sucks, but I’m there (@havi), just barely hanging on but you can still find me there for now, and am on bluesky, same handle: havi.bsky.social

Last week we talked about new moon wishes and new moon rituals, and before that we covered naming the contributing factors, as a practice of pre-recovery or clearing the decks for recovery…

Today I am just talking about the many things on my mind, including slow process, solitude, recovery, latibulation (we’ll get to that), and the brave and meaningful work of keeping on keeping on.

Latibulation on my mind

What a week, huh

The disasters are not taking a rest. Have been checking up on friends in San Diego, LA, and the central coast of California, to see how they were doing in the hurricane that turned into a hurriquake.

Also checking on my friends in Oregon and Washington and in western and eastern Canada, to see how they’re managing with the fires and the smoke. And my friends from Hawai’i who have really been through it. Oof.

Today it’s my friends in Illinois, Wisconsin, Ohio, Michigan, suffering in the intense heat and relentless midwestern humidity. And a tornado?

It’s too many emergencies

And then I lost track of what the weather is doing, because it’s too many emergencies in too many places, which is the theme of it all, isn’t it.

How are you doing, long distance friend? I hope you are comfortable, or as comfortable as you can be, wherever you are in the world, and that bonus comforts and refreshing surprises are showing up as needed.

What a week, huh (take 2)

Here in the United States, this was a big week for chaotic energy and big unsettling feelings.

We have the grim spectacle of presidential primary debates, the mass denial of both the pandemic and climate change on the right versus the depressingly useless “nuh-uhhhh it is real” response from the people currently in charge who have no plan and aren’t doing anything, that’s fun.

And there was big anticipation for Trump mugshot day but sadly zero good jokes, and I don’t know about you, but do we even get our hopes up anymore about anything?

I don’t think I do. Check in with me on this later maybe. Right now things are very unsettling.

What a week, huh (take 3)

More and more people in my life now have long covid too, and are checking in with me, sometimes with the hope that I might relay some good fortifying news that might make them feel better, which I do not have.

I do not have fortifying good news and very rarely do I have much in the way of hope.

On the other hand, I have luck and also I have clarity about my luck.

The clarity being that if I entirely devote myself to exquisite self-tending, deep rest, and doing as little as possible, I am sometimes able to pull off impressive feats like not needing to stay in bed all day, or behold as I miraculously stand up for an hour at a time and make gluten free tortillas…

These are blessings, I do not take them for granted. I know I am so very lucky.

And also, at the same time

And also, at the same time, it is deeply frustrating to know that the price of these temporary miracles is resting as the main thing I do, and that doing slightly too much of the non-resting things will send me right back to bed.

Even when I can be in doing mode, I still can’t do enough things to keep up with [the everything, the tasks at hand], etc.

My friend tried to cheer me up by saying that doing one thing is great, and eventually it will build up to two or even three things, and that’s a nice thought, but my friend also has none of my problems and also can’t imagine having them. So there’s that.

But luck and clarity are not nothing, and they might be related to other useful qualities, like steadiness, or faith.

Baby that’s how it is

Some days I have more peace and acceptance, some small amount of baby that’s how it is.

Some days I am in the big despair.

Some days (today) I am furious at the world and my fury is too big to manage.

Some days I am watching the rain.

Some days I multi-task and cycle through all of these, sometimes almost simultaneously, bouncing around the stages of grief. Bounce bounce bounce. Baby that’s how it is.

Watching the rain

It’s been a very weird confusing day here, rainy, sluggish, I feel fuzzy and ungrounded which could be all the stress or it could be, in the words of my favorite typo of all time, all the extenuating circuses.

So no wonder. All that plus the Extenuating Circuses™️, truly how could I not be a mess?

I’m allowed to be a mess and watch the rain.

Also, part of the ongoing climate emergency is not only the trauma of each new disaster but the ongoing, cumulative, and residual anxiety left over from each previous disaster.

Last August my road flooded both directions & I was trapped a week in my tiny house, so all-day rain is not neutral, it is a reminder of a scary time in the past, and of future scary times…

A breath for all this.

Plant friends, full of life

Yesterday I bravely and heroically walked all the way down the driveway to my mailbox and back.

The mullein plants are flourishing, they tower over me, absolutely glorious.

The Mexican sunflowers are taller than I am too, I love looking up at them and saying hello.

The cottonwood trees dance and glimmer in the breeze. Tree friends and plant companions, this is lucky too.

And: They are thriving in the rain. This rain is not an emergency for them, it is an emergency in my mind.

In search of the new word

Sometimes I think about hermit life as lonely. I only have a real conversation with a real person every six to eight weeks if that.

At other times I am able to remember that I have this abundance of friends in the natural world. I have porch-bunnies who peek in the door, hummingbirds who peek in the windows, and of course the absolute miracle of podcasts (bless my new wifi situation) to keep me company.

Sometimes I am able to remember that loneliness isn’t even the right word for what I’m experiencing here, maybe it’s not even a relevant theme. And am I not a real person? Why do the real conversations I have with myself not count?

I think they do!

Welcome to The Life Solitudinal

This is where I am, The Life Solitudinal.

That’s not a word, or it isn’t one yet, but you know what I mean by it.

I came out here a few months into the pandemic, in search of peace and quiet in the wild wilds, and to be safe away from the crowds, and are those not beautiful, meaningful, valid, extraordinary? And again, lucky?

What if this experience of seclusion is exactly what I need and nothing is missing?

(I keep getting clues about this, and then immediately dropping them like they are hot to the touch, because I am very invested in a familiar narrative about loneliness and sorrow.)

Noticing

Last week I wrote, among other things, about the gentle wisdom of doing the things that work for no other reason than that they are the things that work.

And when they don’t work, we try other things, but start with what works, start from the Known Knowns.

Do The Things That Help Because They Are The Things That Help!

This week I (very brilliantly, good job) proved my own point by doing none of the things that work, and feeling exquisitely miserable as a result until I finally made the connection. Galaxy brain in action.

Interrupting the pattern changes the pattern

Yesterday I had a meltdown of glorious proportions, and then realized what was happening. This was the natural consequence of several consecutive days of not doing the things that help, and also not doing other things that might help instead.

So I did some of the things that work: an herbal tea rinse for my hair, fifteen minutes of gentle stretching, legs up the wall, and am furious to report that doing the things that help does indeed (sometimes) help.

At the very least, it interrupts the self-perpetuating cycle of only doing the things that don’t help, and that’s something too.

Reminders

Someone online reminded me that sometimes we end up doing things we don’t like as a way of regulating our emotions and our nervous systems, and that this is normal and okay, who among us doesn’t sometimes need a shortcut.

Can I get better at noticing this and saying, “Ah yes I am using a shortcut to regulate my emotions and I’m okay with this choice today….”

May it be so, or something even better.

The sideways approach

This week I simply could not deal with my list of things so have approaching everything sideways.

I did some baking for Cooking Club (imaginary club, real baking), and some journaling with various incoming selves and versions of me who gave me wise counsel.

When I didn’t want to do my morning practice, I had a dance party for three songs instead.

A dance party is a very clarifying thing, for me. Sometimes it just shows me that my house is too messy to thrive. Sometimes it reminds me that I have always loved to move.

What helps (add joy)

When I am feeling ungrounded, I return to small joys.

Small joys, in this case pleasure and sensation.

Deliciousness can take so many forms.

A spritz of cool water on my face on a hot day. A luxuriating stretch on the floor. A steaming mug of chai. I made ginger chiltepin syrup to use as sweetener, spiced and spicy, a hit of intensity.

How can I upgrade this deliciousness and add joy?

Seeking deliciousness

The first thing I did when I got a full day reprieve from bed rest was make a big batch of chili crisp. For me, spicy is a form of aliveness, an enlivening reminder of everything good about being embodied.

Sometimes I just need a flavor punch to shock me back into pleasure.

Your mileage may vary, but the important thing is not the particular delivery system of deliciousness, it is the act of seeking what is delicious to you.

When I am having a stay-in-bed day, I can also find deliciousness in reading recipes, or a really good poem.

Words are delicious to me. Laughter is delicious.

Portagioie

Speaking of delicious, can we talk about the Italian word for jewelry box?

This is from Jhumpa Lahiri in Whereabouts:

“Portagioie, the Italian word for jewelry box, is a compound of two polyvalent words. Gioia (pl. gioie) means both “joy” and “jewel.” Porta, meanwhile, derives from the Latin verb portāre, and belongs to a constellation of words pertaining to acts of bearing, bringing, carrying, and transporting, which in turn give rise to terms for “door,” “gate,” and “port.” Portagioie, therefore, could also be interpreted, in Italian, not only as a box of jewels, but a container of joy, a doorway or gateway to joy, something that brings joy.”

A gateway to joy. A container for joy. A portal to the jewels.

Transport towards the port, through the portal: joy

Transporting yourself towards joy and whatever brings joy.

That is a delicious clue or series of clues to me.

There is something transcendent there. I needed this reminder that if joy feels far away, there are ways to transport myself closer.

Back to solitude and The Life Solitudinal

Jhumpa Lahiri also says:

“Solitude: it’s become my trade. As it requires a certain discipline, it’s a condition I try to perfect. And yet it plagues me, it weighs on me in spite of my knowing it so well.”

I do not try to perfect solitude. It’s simply my only option, and I do not enjoy how I feel when I think about the options that are not available to me.

But as I think about this more then yes, I do think that my relationship to solitude is vastly different than it was in 2020. And maybe it has become, if not my trade, then a place where I am at home.

Solitude has become a dwelling for me, and I am past the part where I want to fix aesthetic things like small cracks because right now I want to admire the beams. A roof over my head is not nothing.

Solitude is a structure, and I am grateful to have a structure. Also it turns out I really like this structure. Who knew.

Latibulate

This month I learned about the word ‘latibulate’, it’s from the 17th century and it apparently means to hide in a corner to escape reality, or until things improve.

To hide oneself in a corner. English does not have enough reflexive verbs but here we can feel the reflexive nature of this, the curling-up-ness, I love it.

I have also seen this as latibulize, even better, and more fun to say.

To retire into

To latibulize: To retire into a den or hole, and lie dormant in winter.

So there are elements of hibernation, retreat, rest, recovery, waiting, and yes, solitude.

Is it chrysalis-like? It might be.

Solitude as a container for transformation, solitude as a resting place, solitude is where nothing needs to happen but many things can happen, over time.

Shhhhh, we’re latibulating.

Slow cooking

I love labitulating and latibulize.

I love something that is both quiet and peaceful as well as transformative, like a slow, gentle, meditative movement practice, for example.

Or going for a meandering walk when I have energy to walk. Or baking.

Or making green chili cauliflower potato stew, something I am looking forward to returning to as the weather grows cooler.

Slowly arriving at realizations about solitude and my relationship to solitude over several years of isolation might also be a form of slow cooked latibulating.

Companionship in a world of words

Latibulating is a good reminder for me.

It’s a terrific word for a No Bones Day, and the more I think about, the more I see it’s also a word that wants to be a companion to both Solitude and Portagioie.

Let us get cozy and hide out until things improve (if/when).

Let’s cozy up inside this solitude, open the portholes, welcome in joy, peek out and find joy.

Portside

What am I up to, in this cozy corner? This cozy corner that is my tiny house on wheels at the edge of the forest, this cozy corner of late August, this cozy corner of resting, a cozy corner in space and time…

What am I up to? Latibulating, portside.

What am I up to? Persisting, bravely. Alive, right here, right now.

Shocking myself back to life with spices, tending to myself with sweetness.

Who am I doing this with? Myself and my selves, and of course in a broader sense, in community, with you and everyone reading this.

I love you, let’s keep going

Latibulation as an act of solitude, and also a shared experience.

I keep coming back to this: it is brave and beautiful to keep on keeping on, even when I am unable to see the bravery or the beauty.

Let’s rest into the slow, steady shifting of things that need to be shifted, ride into what’s next.

As the post-it note by my bed says: I love you. Let’s keep going.

Question!

I’m currently working on bonus material about how I relate to time and map out my quarters, and am pretty sure I have all the parts that I think are important, is there anything you want to know more about specifically?

Drop any questions or thoughts here…

And! Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) this summer will get these by email as soon as I finish editing them…

Come play in the comments, I love company!

Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

A request

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

New moon wishes, new moon rituals

by Havi Brooks | Aug 16, 2023 | my personal practice

pretty light on a rainy day, green fields & wildflowers

A clue about enjoying the beautiful light, the green fields, the wildflowers after the rain.

Happy Wednesday! And happy new moon…

Last week we talked about naming the contributing factors, as a practice of pre-recovery or clearing the decks for recovery, and before that we covered approaches to narrowing the gap of the meltdown…

Today we are talking about new moon wishes, new moon rituals, talking to ourselves, clues where we find them.

Glowing love your way from bed, which is where I have been this month.

New moon wishes / new moon rituals

Ushering in the new moon with scent & newness

Last year, on the new moon of the Hebrew month of Elul, I made several batches of loose incense, one of which I called Burn After Naming, a hilarious and perfect name, flawless, no notes.

It served me well all year, and now the jars are empty, and it is new moon in Elul again. Welcome, moon. Welcome, month of Elul.

I have a variety of new moon rituals, always in flux, and one of them is checking in on where I’m at and also naming new moon wishes, so let’s talk about both.

Rituals of re-filling & replenishing

New moon is when I make facial oil which I also use as hair oil and general moisturizer. It’s when I switch out the water filter and replenish things that need replenishing.

I like to bake something if I have energy. I like to clean out the refrigerator and do any kitchen congruencing. And then anything symbolic, some kind of SMOPL aka something meaningful on a personal level…

Rituals of recalibrating aka checking in

As I mentioned last week, I have been mostly in bed since July 21, after a pretty big PEM (post-exertional malaise) crash, which is to say, I had a small amount of energy, overdid it because of extenuating circumstances which autocorrected to extenuating circuses, that’s certainly something, and am paying for it big time.

So, on the surface, maybe not too much to check in on, since I have been hardcore resting and incapacitated.

Except then I remembered that one of my biggest wishes from last new moon was to give myself more credit. Can I give myself credit for resting? That might be the hardest thing for me.

The challenge of giving myself more credit (or any credit?)

Wow, this one is so challenging for me.

Even with decades of practicing separating my sense of self-treasuring from the external expectations of “productivity” and the neverending monster-list of things that must be done. It’s just hard.

It is hard to give myself credit for rest. And yet, that’s mostly what I’ve been doing, out of necessity. So extra points (sparkly ones) for resting.

Is it what I wanted from this month? Not really. Is it what needed to happen? Here we are.

New moon wishes

What do I need to accompany me to equinox? What is this next month about and for?

Reduce & Destroy

Do what works, do more of what works

We Do Grounding Things

LUTW (legs up the wall!)

Morning rituals, make chai and journal on what would help

Earlier to sleep, no matter how much napping happened

Take your vitamins, babe

What can we let go of, recycle, keep it moving

Keep asking: What’s working?

What’s working

Morning rituals, taking it slow.

Appreciating the beautiful nature that surrounds me, the gorgeous light at different times of day, the wildflowers all around me.

Journaling in the yellow notebook, even if I just ask the same question over and over, even if I don’t have the answers I want, just the practice of writing and waiting.

What’s needed

Something about how every project has like a minimum of fifteen steps, but I only ever have enough energy to make one or two of those steps happened, and so it gets stalled.

I need a new way of approaching these, and new forms of support.

New moon wishes, take 2

I want someone to come help me take down the shed, so I can make room for an RV pad or camping spot for visitors.

Hmmm, I don’t know if I have energy to go for a walk, but maybe a very patient walking partner exists who can go with me on a short and slow walk.

Wishing for clarity and insight to help me through this challenging period of no energy no clarity no focus, and wishing for compassion towards myself during this time where all I can do is be in bed and recover from the many things I am recovering from.

Kindness, mercy, sweetness, love. Can I breathe these for myself?

Talking it out

Lately I have been conversing from bed with an incoming self or element of me who goes by TSoB, it stands for Tough Survivalist of the Bunkhouse.

The bunkhouse is how this self refers to my tiny metal house, formerly known as The Dragon, the good ship Libra, and other names.

This self is very calm and steady, they love to garden, they are a loner cowboy type, they find joy in the little things, they have what I would describe (but they would not) as a very profound gratitude practice.

For them this is more about just really seeing the beauty in the moment, cherishing the stunning setting of where we live, and appreciating how we are surrounded by beautiful nature, they enjoy this isolation and they don’t think about the payoff.

I don’t think I’m going to give context for these conversations, I just want to share some of what has been unfolding between us as we go back and forth…

On loneliness

Havi: How would I even meet someone who shares my values at all never mind specifically regarding covid conscious living and covid safety???

TSoB: Yeah I get it, it’s like you already you know you have to immensely raise your standards so they are even remotely palatable, and you’re wondering how that will mesh with how hard it is to connect with anyone to begin with.

Here’s the deal. Staying true to these values will actually make this process easier because you are so clear on what you want and how you are to be treated, and what kindness means to you, which is something newly important to you…

Havi: Okay but what if [doom thoughts about how I will never connect with anyone in any way ever again]
TSoB: I might not be the right person to consult on this because I genuinely don’t care if we’re alone forever, especially if it means not pining after some loser clown who doesn’t even text you back unless you remind them you exist, you know? I simply do not care. If someone great shows up, god bless, and let them really prove themselves, that’s where I stand on this.

On baseline self-respect, but also on the next level of self-respect & self-cherishing

Havi: Alright then in that case how can I embrace Hermit Life and this mode of extreme isolation, and also hmmm, I know I am dancing around this question of raising my standards to some next level self-respect? Or do you not know how to explain that because you already live it…?

TSoB: I think I’d start with where you already excel and just turn it up:

a clean home
rituals of gleaming, rituals of good scent
delicious food, beautifully plated
continually working towards the Clarity of Yeses in whatever little ways
meeting small comfort goals & small aesthetic goals (making chai in a your favorite pot)

The point is: Luscious Rituals, live intentionally, exactly how you want, steps towards your yeses, soon you will have a working shower, onward to each beautiful next step, yes, make more loose incense. You need so little, and you can do so much with less. It really is the little things.

It really is the little things

It really is the little things:

wake up ten minutes earlier (or five)
add in two more minutes of meditation, two more minutes of foam rolling (or one minute)
make L’s chickpea recipe, make M’s tortillas
make a beautiful ritual of wiping down the table before and after the meal
get rid of three things as often as you can
you never want to shave legs and then when you do it, you feel amazing
who can brainstorm with you on projects and timelines?

These are just some examples of little things. Focus there.

Start small, stay small. Small is good right now…

What else? (Or is that even the right question here)

Havi: Alright, I see some starting points, what else?

TSoB: The else isn’t as important as the little things…

Once you do a few little things, the next ones will be obvious.

It all comes back to the original question of self respect, believing that your space matters, your process matters, having a conducive environment matters.

A conducive supportive environment for you, not for guests or clients or lovers or imaginary people, but the idea you yourself get to have this. You have been fighting this since forever, in part because you were raised to believe that it could all be gone in a moment…

What are the priorities?

TSoB: Again, start small, keep it small…

prioritize your well-being, treasure & cherish yourself,
shave legs, wash hair, rinse, repeat
do the things that help, then do them slightly more often, or slightly more of them
focus on small steady increases of the good things
and keep reducing

I know the [challenge with project of the month] has been a low blow and really disheartening, but also you are so brave and you keep trying and standing up for yourself! Good job.

Give yourself more credit, and then keep giving yourself more credit.

What do you do when you’re feeling unenthused and hopeless…

Havi: Gotta be honest here, gotta say I’ve been feeling pretty unenthused and hopeless about everything…

TSoB: I’m sorry, babe. I guess there’s no good way to say this, because it doesn’t sound kind, and my intention is to glow kindness into the parallel world where you are, but it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. Let’s not turn feeling hopeful or enthused into another should or obligation, that’s boring.

You feel how you feel and that’s temporary and of the moment, and it’s true for you right now…

Do the things that help because they are the things that help….

Do the things that help because they are the things that help

Do the things that help because they are the things that help.

Do incrementally more of them, and that’s it.

Your joy will return, it just will

At some later point in time, your joy will return. I know this and you don’t have to know it, you don’t even have to trust me on this if you don’t want to. It’s just the truth.

And until then, well, you’re just tending to the ship.

Keep tending. I’m with you.

A forever reminder

These are the comforting words of the version of me who is the Tough Survivalist of the Bunkhouse, and I have written them on a post-it note by my bed:

My joy will return. It just will. Until then I’m just tending to the ship.

Keep tending, keep tending.

You did great today, good job, give yourself more credit

Havi: I’m feeling high anxiety / stress / worry about this [project], I feel overwhelmed and am wishing yet again that I had someone to talk this out with, someone who has time and ideas and can think creatively about options, I feel really stuck on this.

TSoB: You did so great today, you made a giant rice dish for the week, you cleaned the kitchen table & the floor, you fed yourself well, you did an hour of bobcat stretching after several days of not being in the mood, you took a very long nap which was needed, you looked for clues, you’re doing so great.

The answer remains the answer

Havi: That doesn’t answer my question…
TSoB: And yet, that is always the answer: taking exquisite care of yourself, taking steps towards yeses, getting clear, clearing the path, journaling, noticing these small moments, resting like it’s your job.
Havi: I hate resting all the time.
TSoB: Sure, of course, and also the essence of living by It Solves Itself means you do actually have to really rest right now.
Havi: Okay and also I am still very overwhelmed and I don’t like it!
TSoB: That makes sense. Keep clarifying and honing the vision.

Keep clarifying and honing the vision

TSoB: Listen. You have had many projects that you’ve been able to pare down and simplify over the years, getting down to the basics, this can happen here too, clarity will arise, stay with the elements of your wish.

Stay close with the wishes, keep clarifying & paring down, Reduce & Destroy, stay with the mission.

You have already done so much, you can trust in the fractal garden. Keep wishing your wishes, keep making space for what you want, wash your hair tomorrow it will help.

And find a good obsession.

Do we want to obsess over the new moon?!

Why not. Any obsession in a storm.

New moon begins tonight (August 16), and I am thinking about rituals, and what I want to pre-make, pre-clean, what I want to take my time with.

I am thinking about how Rosh Hashana (new year for me) begins Friday September 17, so this month can be a month of entry and preparation.

This might be a month of rallying, or a chrysalis for the new moon.

What does this container of time look like and what are the parameters? Who is this witchy self of Leo new moon? What does this self care about? Let’s find out…

Talking to the self of new moon in Leo, new moon in Elul…

New moon in leo self: You know, TSoB and your other selves are right about infusing your space with scent, and also about the process of making these scents, this is a witchy ability much like spice blending.

The way you make a loose incense blend is unique to you, even if anyone could also use the same roots and herbs in the same amounts, it’s the you-ness, the suchness of self, that infuses a process, you can trust me on this if it sounds too far-fetched.

Similarly, making pudding is a beautiful gift to yourself, and a new batch of chai blend. We can take our time with new moon wishes, we will sort out our wishes or let them sort themselves out over time, we will keep taking steps towards Loving Clarity.

We will skip stones and listen. What is the treasure in all these unknowns?

What is the treasure in all these unknowns?

Havi: Possibility, clearing the path, an opportunity to let go of the old ways or old ideas, reconnecting with the practices that help, staying receptive to positive changes….

Leo new moon self: Honestly fewer changes need to happen than you think, this is ultimately about small shifts towards congruence, and trusting your instincts about what can go, feeling into the where / when of it all.

As usual the challenge is too much stuff in your visual space / line of sight, and once that gets cleared up and the energy shifts, you will feel so much better.

Anything else?

I was listening to an old episode of You Are Good, and Sarah Marshall described someone by saying “this is a story about a person who is trying to survive, and that’s their entire story”, and I feel that so hard about myself and wow, I want a new story!!!

This month includes the three year anniversary of moving to my property in New Mexico and I still do not have a working shower or a washing machine or a garden, and have very loud self-critical monster thoughts about all of this.

But guess what? Now is not then. So many things have changed for the better, for example I have indoor plumbing and am hooked up to electricity and have curtains, amazing.

Slow and steady, babe. Let’s see how far we’ve come and glow some appreciation for what is.

New moon wishes, take 3

Perceive the beauty all around me. Breathe and appreciate. Want more and better, while appreciating what is.

One step and then another step. Ask for help.

What would it like to be gracious with myself, to extend more grace to myself? Can I embody the kindness I am wishing for, and if not can I stay fascinated with practicing?

Lighting piñon resin and taking some breaths. It’s an honor to play the game, let’s keep going.

Question!

Drop any questions or thoughts here…

And! Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) this summer will get these by email as soon as I finish editing them…

Come play in the comments, I love company!

Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

A request

Naming the contributing factors, with love & hope

by Havi Brooks | Aug 10, 2023 | my personal practice

tiny baby flycatcher bird

A pair of flycatchers built a nest in my back porch light fixture, peek at a tiny baby bird! A clue about new life and resilience? I’ll take it.

Happy this week got away from me, it might be Thursday!

Last week we talked about the approach of narrowing the gap of the meltdown, and before that we covered a favorite question, What Do I Need Right Now…

Today we are talking about pre-recovery (clearing the decks for recovery), which for me involves naming the contributing factors to whatever is going on.

And then finding whatever clues we can find wherever we can find them.

Glowing lots of love your way from bed, which is where I have been lately.

Naming the contributing factors, with love & hope

Bed

I have mostly been in bed for the past two and a half weeks.

There are reasons for this, but my monsters don’t like them.

And also, the reasons remain true. All self-criticism mechanisms aside, the reasons remain the reasons.

The reasons remain true

They just do.

Another piece of truth I’m trying to gently hold in my mind-space is the knowledge that both [reasons are bullshit] and [these reasons are true] can absolutely co-exist. They can be true at the same time.

The reasons are valid and also the reasons don’t matter. We are where we are, in the moment. Bed it is.

Bed it is

Bed it is. Sometimes you have a no-bones day, and sometimes no-bones day turns into no-bones week, or it lasts for a long time, longer than you expect, and IIWIMI aka it is what it motherfucking is.

I don’t like it, and I don’t have to like it, and here I am.

Naming

Let’s name the reasons, or at least some of the known contributing factors, in the interest of practicing Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.

Naming is a form of acknowledging, and acknowledging what is reminds me that it’s okay that it’s happening, it’s okay that I don’t like it, it’s okay that I resist it, it’s okay that I don’t think it’s okay, and so on.

I get to not be okay! I get to rage against everything! All of this makes so much sense and is a reasonable and understandable response to circumstances being challenging, which they are!

So let’s name some of what’s going on…

Let’s name the reasons and circumstances, the contributing factors, the unanticipated stressors, the surprise last straws, the accumulated sensory input that all adds up to too much.

Contributing factor: extreme heat

Multiple days in a row of 99 degree Fahrenheit (37.2 C) high temperatures, and I live in a metal box without air conditioning.

It is extremely reasonable that I would be flattened by this even if literally nothing else was going on, and there’s a lot going on.

Similarly, even when the heat wave passes, I don’t immediately perk up. I wouldn’t expect someone else to, but I expect it of me, someone with long covid and a previous traumatic brain injury. This is silly.

I am noticing that this is silly, and saying it out loud. Babe, I love you, these expectations are very silly!

Contributing factor: Recovery from a trauma day

Three weeks ago I had to go to Tucson to pick up the windows that will make my life easier, if they ever get installed, by keeping warm air in during winter, and giving me two more screens to let in cool evening air in the summer.

In Tucson I also had to replace two tires. The waiting room at the tire place was tiny, and full of people not wearing masks. I opted to wait outside, where I had to stand, in 110 degree heat (43.3 F) for nearly an hour because first they forgot which tires they were replacing, then forgot to rotate then tires.

Not sure if everyone’s brain has been cooked from Covid, or from the heat, or both, but everything has been like this lately. Simple projects have all become complicated operations.

Also standing isn’t something I can do for very long every day. It’s a some days yes, some days no sort of thing. And this was a yes-day but also it had to be a yes-day, and something about that too is exhausting.

My body is rebelling against that experience, and I don’t blame it.

Contributing factor: Post-exertional malaise

Between that near-heatstroke of a stressful morning, then packing up, acquiring the windows which was also absurdly complicated, and an absolutely harrowing late night drive home, it was a lot.

It was more than a lot. I’m out of descriptors for how much “a lot” is. Too much.

Anyway, I drove white-knuckled through a terrifying lightning storm, a bewildering dust storm, over the Continental Divide in torrential rains, and also had an encounter with a surprise herd of cows on a dark country road, then had to unpack the car in the pouring rain while trying not to pass out from exhaustion.

Honestly I think even someone who doesn’t experience post-exertional malaise would be having a hard time.

I really had to push way past all my limits to make it through that day, and I have been paying for it and am still paying for it.

Contributing factor: Intense frustrations

This might need to be another piece, but I have been working hard this summer on a project I’ve been calling Operation Reduce & Destroy, aka reducing costs in all areas of my life.

It’s a beautiful wish, and it’s been great to have a sense clarity and focus around that wish, after the past couple years of brain fog and traumatic brain injury stealing my attention, and my ability to have clarity or focus on anything. So that part has been really meaningful and special for me.

And it has introduced a series of challenges or dilemmas that are beyond frustrating. Truly a twilight zone of ongoing horrors. Examples to follow….

Contributing factor: Ah yes, a twilight zone of ongoing horrors…

For example, I had to spend two entire hours on the phone switching my car insurance. I don’t have consistent phone service at my property so this involved driving into town and being in a hot car, which meant back to bed for several more days of being incapacitated.

For example, I have been fighting with a company that mysteriously doubled my monthly bill without notice, and they refuse to refund me or close my account. My body can’t handle the amount of rage-stress I’m experiencing over this, and I feel close to an implosion, and then end up too wiped out to function.

For example, I signed up with a new phone company but the SIM card they sent won’t activate. When I called, they said I need to drive to the nearest store (two hours away), and the nearest store can’t help me because “the system is down nationwide”, so now I’m paying for two services because I can’t cancel the old one until the new one kicks in. And so on.

It’s the perfect example of getting the exact opposite of your wish while working on a wish, and I hate it.

Contributing factor: Dog days of summer

A friend wisely pointed out that August is just hard, for a variety of reasons.

Dies caniculares, as the Romans called it, or “days of the dog star”, the hottest days, here in the northern hemisphere, the heat-exhaustion equivalent of the dark before the dawn.

Dog days / fog days. It’s hard to have any clarity in the heat, and also the barometric pressures of monsoon season are messing with my equilibrium.

It’s funny to me, because as the days get darker earlier here, you’d think it would feel like things are shifting, fall is approaching, but the heat is just so overwhelming. Noticing I am dreading the monsoon rains even as I am craving them. Yes, something about that too.

Contributing factor: Dashed hopes

I had a beautiful plan this summer to improve the circumstances of my tiny, tiny home: first to replace these two windows that got tweaked when the trailer my little home lives on was dropped by the truck that brought it out here.

And then to install a new tiny hot water heater and bathroom fan so that I can shower onsite, which would solve at least 85% of my problems, but everything that could go wrong on this project has, and it is now completely stuck.

The one thing I was looking forward to (showering!) is not an option until I can raise more funds for this but my brain isn’t working well enough to solve for that. So, waiting it out yet again.

It’s been over a year and a half since the shower stopped working so really, what’s a little longer or even a lot longer? I have gotten adept at washing my hair in the kitchen sink, wash cloth baths, shaving legs on the porch.

But also I was so looking forward to this being solved! And then the “just kidding, now it’s not solved!” of it all has been such an intense betrayal. A betrayal of hope, if that makes sense. It’s painful.

Contributing factor: Noise / sensory overwhelm

I live way out in the country, where you’d think there would be a great degree of quiet, however am sad to report that everyone else out here is retired and their only hobbies seem to only involve loud power tools.

Each day I wish for them new hobbies, like watercolor painting or cross-stitch. Baking muffins is fun. Bake some fucking muffins for a change, you absolute losers. I hate the noise. I hate it so much.

This is on my more generous days. Other days I wish terrible things upon them. I really need the noise to stop.

If it were’t summer, I could at least close the windows, but I need them open for the breeze. Shouting curses at my neighbors (who are far enough away that they cannot hear me, but I can hear their machinery) is also a contributing factor, along with the noise.

Some day when [time, money, energy, resources, support] allows, I will plant trees to block them off.

Contributing factor: Monsoon memories & fire memories & all the memories

So many memories.

Last summer, the fires raged for so long and so close to my property, that every dry, tense, high-risk hot day feels ominous, like everything is dangerous. Which it is, but also the stress is too much.

And, last August, monsoon season was so intense and the river raged so high, breaking all previous limits. I was trapped here for nine days because the road was flooded in both directions, and I was living on rice and oatmeal, and it was so terrifying.

Last August someone I deeply loved who deeply loved me suddenly disappeared from my life with no notice or warning, and refused to share any information about what was going on. The winds rattled this metal box I call home, and I was bereft.

Crying vs not-crying, a flood vs a fire

Now is not then, and yet my body still holds onto these memories. The fear and the hurt, the impassible passages, the surprise endings.

Last summer all I could do is cry, this summer I have been consistently unable to cry, not sure what exactly I’m waiting for. Or what would help.

A breath for now is not then. A breath for now is temporary, everything is temporary, this too shall pass, everything shifts and changes, the only answer is to be adaptable.

And sometimes we have to do that from bed, because that’s how it is.

Now is not then

A breath for now is not then.

I can make a list of all the ways that now is not then.

I can make a list of what is working and what might help.

And I can ask an incoming self for three pieces of advice…

Clearing the decks, in any way, shape or form

I talk about this probably every time I post something here, but I think it’s worth saying every time: PEOPLE VARY!

We are all so different. Whenever I share something that helps me, it’s just that, something I find helpful, for me.

You might have a different experience, and maybe reading about something that works for me is a clue about what works or might work for you (which could be similar or entirely different!), it’s all good.

When I find myself overwhelmed by the many extenuating circumstances, any form of clearing space helps me a lot. That could be clearing off a work space, or deleting a bunch of emails, closing some tabs, putting away dishes, cleaning one thing.

If I don’t have energy for that, I journal with Slightly Wiser Me or an incoming self or a favorite person (real or imaginary) about what might help instead.

We Do Grounding Things

When everything is going wrong, or I am in the perception of everything is going very wrong, and it is miserable, we practice Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, and then We Do Grounding Things.

What are grounding things? Your mileage may vary. A replenishing glass of water is never a bad idea. A calming song if you have one.

For me it might be fifteen minutes of rolling around on the floor, stretching, yawning, humming.

Washing my face helps. Rolling feet on a ball. A three minute dance party (can be done from bed).

As long as you have your list of what helps, or what sometimes helps, you have something to try.

SMOPL SMOPL!

It’s fun to say and sometimes fun to do, and it stands for Something Meaningful On a Personal Level. Thanks to my brother for coming up with this. You can read more about the practice of SMOPL!

This can be a ritual, a practice, a favorite food. A way to shift the energy by doing something that has meaning for you, and a way to layer on new meaning.

This is a way I care for myself. If this month is the anniversary of [sad, painful things from Then], I can SMOPL my way into comfort. This is a way to treat myself with tenderness.

Clues, everywhere

There are always clues to be found, in songs or in a book, outside your window, in your space, going for a small walk, watching a movie. I can turn on my clue-finding mind and see what is there for me.

Here’s a beautiful clue I found in the latest podcast episode from You Are Good, on the topic of the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I’m paraphrasing because I was doing gentle yoga while listening, but this was the gist of the quote:

“You’re becoming who you are through these years of tumult and turmoil, and also it sucks.”

Yup. It really does. See? Reminders everywhere of the power of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.

It is not easy, and we are becoming who are, and knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but it is still a great kindness to remind ourselves as we move through the dog days, the fog days, the I don’t know why this is so hard but it just is trying times of being a person in a body in the world.

I hope it helps. I want you to have the reassurance of a good clue.

If that’s a clue for you too, then I hope it helps. I hope anything in today’s piece of writing helps.

And if it’s not your clue, I know you will find a better one for you soon. Here’s to all the best clues, in the right places, in the right timing.

And to the process of staying alert and receptive to the clues that come. (A breath for that.)

Come play in the comments, I love company!

Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Bonus materials! Coming soon…

Update: I am preparing new bonus materials about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email this summer…

A request

narrowing the parameters of a meltdown

by Havi Brooks | Aug 2, 2023 | my personal practice

blue sky in the rain

Here’s a potential clue, one of my favorite things about New Mexico is the way the sky can be absolutely dumping rain and remain blue…

Happy Wednesday!

Last week we talked about a favorite question, What Do I Need Right Now, and before that we covered What Would Neal Caffrey Do…

Today we are talking about narrowing the gap of the meltdown, with some thoughts about approach, and some thoughts about techniques, and how we might practice this.

Narrowing the territory of the meltdown

Let’s begin where we are (right here)

I am still thinking about the ongoing theme (of many) that came up while talking shop in my mind with Neal Caffrey, fictional con artist, and someone I am always drawn to.

Not the con artist part, obviously, but the getting out of a tight spot part. Embodying that wits-about-you, always ready to improvise spirit.

There’s something about this character who is so creative, inventive, and embodied. Someone who trains hard, trusts their instincts and wears the hell out of a hat, and so this is what I’ve been exploring.

But as Spike pointed out a couple weeks ago in the comments, the main takeaway from communing with Neal Caffrey is that even if (aka when!) you’re in a meltdown, you can always narrow the parameters of the meltdown.

It’s an option. It’s a great option!

You can always narrow the parameters of a meltdown

You can slow it down, narrow the scope, make the gap smaller, make the passage more navigable. Make it easier to pass through.

What do we know about this? What else is there to learn about this?

And where do we start?

Other than with this knowledge that a meltdown can be narrowed, the gap can be narrowed, safe passage is here for us…

Where do we start?

With Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, of course.

That’s the practice, and we keep practicing.

Meltdowns happen!

In part because they are a part of life — things don’t go as we expect or hope, that’s so real!

In part because there are so many extenuating circumstances, and in part because the game is rigged.

There’s always more to do, there’s the mystery of the ever-lengthening list, there are interpersonal challenges and boundaries being crossed, and the whole damn human condition, combined with the zeitgeist.

And, even for people who aren’t neurodivergent and constantly under a barrage of sensory overload, you are still dealing with being a person in this world, and all the [everything] that goes along with that. The anxiety-stress-tension combined with all the expectations, real and perceived.

Existing is fraught, friends

Existing is fraught, friends.

I am saying that in the exact same tone that my chiropractor says, “Bodies are weird, dude”, which they are. They really are.

The hard things are hard! And there are so many of them! In the micro and in the macro, in the home and in the news.

It is so deeply reasonable to have a meltdown, or several meltdowns. As many as you need, and then some. No judgment here.

To extremely paraphrase Oscar Wilde, I often have six impossible meltdowns before breakfast.

What do we even mean by existing

I’m not even just talking about existing or surviving inside of the confines of capitalism, or in a terrifying pandemic, or in the climate crisis, or the political unrest, or any of the big things.

Just being a person in a body in a culture, it’s a lot, even before any of those other stressors, which are, you guessed it, also a lot.

We are all going through so much. And now that many of us more or less live online, we are also picking up on even more ambient energy than before, so everyone else’s big feelings can start to feel like our feelings.

So yes, it’s a lot, and if it feels like A Lot heading into Too Much heading into Overload and The Bad Place, I get it, and that’s so real. It’s not fun. It’s extremely understandable and reasonable, and also it remains really, truly not fun.

You’re doing amazing, sweetie. And it is a reasonable meltdown.

And repeat…

Applying the balm of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy to a meltdown is, of course, not even slightly the only tool we have to narrow the gap of a meltdown, but it is one that we can keep practicing and repeating, layering on more of it.

If I were going to draw my X Step Process to shrinking the meltdown, between every step I would just repeat the step of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.

Meltdowns make sense! Sometimes it feels like they are required and the only possible answer or response to too many stressors. It’s honesty so reasonable and so understandable.

And I wish the world we live in could be infinitely kinder towards all of us. In the meantime, can we be a little kinder towards ourselves? Maybe…

A clue for me, and possibly also a clue for you

My meltdowns often take the form of rage and fury, and maybe underneath there is grief, pain, sorrow, a deep well of sadness. And before I get to any of that, I need to make room for the anger to just exist.

I try to remember the wise words of Karla McClaren, and I am paraphrasing here, but it’s something like, “Anger is a messenger that only ever has one message, and the message is that a boundary has been crossed and needs to be repaired.”

So yes. I acknowledge my anger, I try to make room for the anger, I remind myself that my anger-feelings are a reasonable, understandable and legitimate response to what I’m going through. (To be clear, I’m talking about the feelings themselves, not talking about behavior, that’s its own topic.)

And then, assuming my anger is a messenger who always delivers the same message, I want to tend to the edges, the boundaries of my domain: my physical body and physical space, my emotional self, etc.

The tending questions

This is the time to ask: How am I doing, am I giving myself what I need, am I trying to take care of other people’s needs and forgetting about my own…?

Have I forgotten to rest? Probably!

Have I forgotten to tend to myself, have I given up on what’s important to me because all the [crises & situations] are demanding my attention and energy…?

What do I need? What do I need right now?

What would help the most?

What would help?

What would restore my sense of peace, my sense of self, my sense that my own needs in my body as well as my time and my space are vitally important actually, and I don’t want to neglect them or forget about them…

So often I perceive people or situations as trampling me, when also I have forgotten to preserve my space, I have forgotten how to say no, or that I get to say no, or that I can say, “hey this doesn’t work for me, let’s figure out another way”, and so on.

Thanks to the messenger (my anger), I know what I’m probably upset about. Boundaries, again.

So what do we try next?

Whether or not this clue about anger as a messenger resonates with you, and whether or not you can relate to my own sense that it’s too easy to take on the mood of the internet or the outside world…

Either way, here is a practice that I do several times a day, and more when I’m in meltdown mode. It starts with a question:

How much of this [anger / emotion / meltdown sensation / energy] is mine? How much really and truly comes from me and belongs to me?

And for me, personally, the answer has never been more than 9%, but quite often it’s more like 3-5% at most.

So if the rest of it is not mine, that’s useful information, because, check this out, I am not obligated to carry the moods, emotions and energy of the world! Or of the people in my life, for that matter

I can love them and support them and still not be a repository for their feelings.

Whoosh!

At the Playground, my former retreat center in Portland, Oregon, there was an old, closed-off elevator shaft, and we would practice whooshing all energy that didn’t belong to us into the elevator shaft and down into the earth to be deconstructed and healed, all energy just returns to energy.

If you don’t have a handy elevator shaft, real or imaginary, you can give it or imagine giving it to the mountains, the sea, the sky, to a higher power if that’s your thing.

Return to sender! Or return to the earth…

May all energy that is not mine and does not belong to me return to sender!

Or may it return to the earth, break down into its most basic components and be released as pure possibility.

I make room for whatever anger and hurt feelings are mine, and at the same time I do not agree to carry or hold onto any angry or other emotion that does not belong to me.

Whoosh! Whoosh, goodbye, all the energy & [big feels] that isn’t mine and doesn’t need to be hanging out in my body-mind.

If right now, 5% of the emotions in this meltdown belong to me, then I hereby release the other 95% into the ether.

Rinse, repeat

I keep doing this with big exhalations (lion’s breath, if you’ve ever done that in a movement class), as loud as I can if I’m alone.

Otherwise, you can always do what the late and beloved Barbara Sher called silent screaming, where you scream ten screams in a row but they don’t make a sound. This is a good practice you can do in a bathroom or somewhere no one is watching.

Generally speaking, you’ll feel some relief around the seventh one, but keep going, do all ten!

And with each lioness-esque (how’s that for a fun word to say) exhale or silent scream, I am releasing that 95% that isn’t mine…

My anger feelings are legitimate, my meltdown is legitimate, and also all the parts that are not mine and do not belong to me can find their way out of my space.

Do you feel a little better?

Sometimes I also try to figure out how much of the Big Feelings are from now, and it’s usually almost none of them, so we can practice Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for the feelings from Then.

And we can also practice whoosh-breathe-release with the Then feelings, because now is now, now is not then.

The then-feelings are legitimate, their message is useful, and also we are right here, right now.

The part that is a now-resonance of then is so reasonable!

And the part that is truly from Then can be met with love, and also we don’t have to hold onto it, we can put it in a beautiful museum exhibit of things we have been through, or any other solution that comes to you.

Treasure

As you know, I feel very strongly about not forcing or requiring gratitude as a practice, I actually think it’s super violent to make people find the good before they’re ready to.

And, also, in my own experience, there is often enormous treasure inside of a meltdown.

Often the meltdown reveals to me what I am upset about, where I am hurting, what I need. And sometimes thinking about how to meet that need offers up a delightfully unexpected, simple, elegant solution to whatever I’m melting down over.

Or at least an idea of what to try next.

No forcing, just wondering and clarifying…

So without forcing, without requiring myself to feel thankful, I can also ask:

Where is the treasure in this meltdown? What is useful or informative about this meltdown?

And maybe that’s something I can journal on, a stone to skip.

I will never advocate for forced gratitude. And also, sometimes this gentle question, asked with curiosity and love, reveals so much.

Sometimes there is treasure for me, sometimes I’m able to shift my focus to what is working as opposed to what isn’t, and sometimes that list of what is working is so much longer than I realized.

Sometimes looking at what is working, while giving legitimacy to what isn’t working, gives me some idea sparks about what to try, or where to begin.

Either way…

Either way, interacting with a pattern changes the pattern, and interacting with a meltdown shifts the meltdown.

Good job! You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Braver than the marines.

At least, this is what I tell myself when I’m in a meltdown and when I’m interacting with it, narrowing the gap, shifting what is.

Okay, let’s review

Here are all the things we tried!

Applying acknowledgment & legitimacy
How much of this is mine?
Whoosh! Big exhale!
Return to sender / return to the earth
What would help?
What do I need?
What is working?

And then, of course, we just keep applying acknowledgment & legitimacy as we go. The step between all the other steps.

Can you try other things?

Of course. Always. You live in your body and I live in mine, and people vary, different things work for different people. These are just ideas and starting points.

Maybe what helps you is Legs Up The Wall. Maybe what helps you is a mini dance party and a replenishing glass of water. Whatever works, I support it.

Try anything we are talking about here, try other things, feel out what works for you.

And hey, in case this helps…

A friend recently texted me about feeling bad (upset, embarrassed) about a public meltdown that was simply unpreventable due to the circumstances.

And I was like, Oh, not only are you talking to an autistic person but specifically one who is not allowed to go back to the Apple store in Tucson. Like this is safe space.

Obviously, in an ideal world, we want to have good tools and good self-knowledge, and the ability to use these to our benefit in such a way that we are able to either not get into the external situations that set off a meltdown, or the skills to extricate swiftly.

Here’s to all the self-extricating superpowers! Here’s to allies who have our back.

And also sometimes it happens.

Sometimes it happens ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So if anyone out there needs the reminder that this has happened to me, it has.

Sometimes I really, truly publicly fall the fuck apart, especially when there are loud noises and bright lights and sensory overload gets the best of me.

What helps, again

You know what’s not helpful? Shame and self-critical mechanisms. All the monsters monstering, all the stories we tell ourselves about how badly we fucked up. The persistent blame-laced narratives about how we just need to be more zen and stay calm, how we should be able to cope better than we can.

You know what is helpful?

Of course. Acknowledgment & Legitimacy. Exhale x10. Whoosh goodbye, energy that is not mine.

Asking the kind, curious, compassionate, loving-clarity questions. How much of this is mine? How much of this is from now? How much of this is supportive? What do I need? What would help most right now?

And then doing what helps. The practice of We Do Grounding Things. Get on the ground, or legs up the wall, or silent screams or rolling around. Whatever helps that doesn’t harm anyone, I support it.

What’s next

We practice. We take notes about what works or what’s helpful, what we might want to try next time.

We practice releasing judgment, and giving ourselves more credit.

We remind ourselves that meltdowns happen, and the extenuating circumstances are many, and the external energy is loud, and there are a lot of simultaneous disaster situations we’re dealing with as a collective, as well as in the personal and interpersonal. It’s so much.

One of my August wishes is to give myself more credit, tend to myself with more sweetness and care, make allowances for circumstances. We Do Grounding Things, and we give ourselves credit.

Yes, let’s give ourselves more credit and keep going

We give ourselves credit and we keep going.

We narrow the gap.

Honestly just recognizing that this is an option is the epitome of You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie, and so we try to remember that too.

We’re trying things, and we’re doing it together.

Come play in the comments, I love company!

Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Bonus materials! Coming soon…

A request

What do I need right now

by Havi Brooks | Jul 27, 2023 | my personal practice

Happy I guess it’s Thursday now!

Last Wednesday we talked about What Would Neal Caffrey Do and narrowing the gap of the meltdown, before that we covered studying The Blade…

Today we are talking pugs, post-exertional malaise, what to do when the vibes are off and there’s nothing to be done about it, and my favorite question…

And just some notes before we get into it

This week’s essay is delayed because we had to switch hosting platforms, and it took longer than expected!

Oh, also FYI I am still somehow on twitter which is now X, and sucks, but I’m there (@havi), just barely hanging on but you can still find me there for now, and am on bluesky, same handle: havi.bsky.social

Okay, I didn’t want to write today because my feelings are too big, too feelings-ey, but sometimes that’s how the truth comes out. Let’s begin and see what happens. A breath for right here right now.

What do I need right now?

The vibes are off today

The vibes are off today.

Yet again (yet again?) feeling very unstable, but is that the stress, the heat, the hormones, the astrology, the built-up pressure of the to do list, the agonizing frustration of dealing with [an unsolvable situation that keeps getting more complicated], hurt about a new betrayal that is not like the other ones, definitely pms, some exhaustion from not sleeping enough, the barometric pressure bending my mind…

And the no bones situation (will explain shortly), that’s also a thing.

Who can say. It’s a lot of factors. Probably some I’m forgetting.

Goodbye, goodbye

Also we lost Sinéad O’Connor on Wednesday, and if that isn’t a rip in the fabric of collective consciousness, a tear and a tear (something torn, drops shed in sorrow), a disruption in the force, I don’t know what is.

I listened to Nothing Compares 2 U on repeat for hours today in the kitchen, high volume, windows open, that’s one benefit of living way out in the country, no one to disturb except the hummingbirds and the bunnies, and they didn’t seem to mind.

What a force, what a special person who cared so deeply and was right about so many things, and wronged by just about everyone. If you haven’t already listened to the You’re Wrong About Sinéad O’Connor episode, please listen to it.

Voyages past

In 2017, in the throes of hearbreak and rage-fury, I set off on a road trip that ended up lasting for six weeks, I called it my Scream Across America tour, and that’s basically what I did until I lost my voice for the tenth time, and figured I should stop damaging myself.

But when I wasn’t screaming, I was listening to that song on repeat.

Not because it conveyed how I felt about that person, who was and remains unworthy of a song of that caliber, but because it so accurately conveys the vicissitudes of heartache, the intensely contradictory elements that a grief spiral is composed of.

This is a song that holds the blankness of grief at the same time as the pain, the lashing out, the pleading and bargaining, the denial, the attempt to convince yourself that maybe it’s good actually but also the flowers died, but also you have to go out all night so that you can sleep all day, the extravagantly poor choices we make as a way to drown sorrows, all of it at once.

All of it at once

Yes, it was written by Prince, but she breathed life into it, you can feel the lived experience of raw broken-heartedness, and that is the state I was in when my voice was gone, Wyoming becoming South Dakota, becoming Minnesota, and so on.

This song, over and over again.

All the feelings, all at once. Combined.

Return voyage

Last week I was in Tucson getting treatment for my back pain and attempting to take care of [all the many things that need taking care of except I can’t take care of them on my property when I don’t have phone service or reliable wifi].

The drive back was brutal. Absolutely harrowing.

I left hours too late and it was already close to dark. As I headed onto the freeway, a huge dust storm started up, violent winds, almost no visibility, debris flying across the road, trucks veering out of lanes.

It turned into a lightning storm, huge flashes of lightning cutting through the sky every ten seconds or so, and then a massive downpour, also impossible to see anything, then back to lightning.

Drove through a fire zone with terrible air, then more lightning storms followed more rainstorms, a risky passage across the continental divide, a a bunch of deer suddenly in the road, more storms.

Just white-knuckled it for hours, arrived after midnight, unpacked the car in a storm.

Rest and more rest

All of that was way too much, and especially too much for one person, and especially too much for one person who is me.

I spent the weekend resting in bed, and that was not enough rest, so have been resting or mostly resting most of the week.

What’s a better term for PEM (post-exertional malaise), I asked this question while journaling and couldn’t find an answer but then an answer found me.

Bones day: y/n

Sometimes a clue comes in the most delightfully unlikely place, and I got mine from an old episode of The Blast Zone (a favorite podcast).

The question of the day is:

Is it a bones day or a no bones day?

Apparently this is one of the many social phenomena I missed out on during early pandemic, but it seems there was a popular and ancient pug named Noodle who was on Tiktok.

The pug’s person would lift Noodle up each day and ask if it’s a bones day or a no bones day, then set Noodle down. If he remained upright and stable, it meant yes, it’s a bones day, and if he collapsed into a pug-puddle, that’s a no bones day.

The trials and tribulations of being an anxious sweetie

I did not know of this pug they were referencing, but of course am picturing it like Josh Gondelman and Maris Kreizman’s pug. Bizzy.

Please read this wonderful piece about Bizzy, which includes this absolutely delightful bit:

And we’ll say, “Yeah, we’ve heard of CBD, and it doesn’t work for our anxious Jewish dog. She has a stress more powerful than CBD can remedy.”

I am also an anxious Jewish sweetie pie, and my stress is, tragically, also more powerful than CBD can remedy, so this is extremely relatable content for me specifically.

Rest in puddly peace, Noodle

Okay I also looked up Noodle, who sadly passed in December 2022, and then I read this essay that I momentarily thought was AI, but it’s by a person, though who knows, possibly my perception that I am regularly reading AI when I am not is related not only to the zeitgeist but how most of what I read these days is my own semi-chaotic thoughts.

Rest in puddly peace, sweet Noodle.

I get why everyone loved you, and it doesn’t need to be explained.

Pug-puddle mode

Anyway, I think that’s what I’m going through right now:

A no bones day is rest day and collapse

Bones day is let’s do this thing.

(Today is a no bones day and what if that’s fine)

(Yes it is fine)

(Yes, it doesn’t feel fine, and yet here we are)

Pug-puddle is simply a much better term than post-exertional malaise. It’s a no-bones day, baby that’s how it is. This is what we have to work with.

Get up, Trinity

Lately I have been over-extending myself, over-exerting, because I have to, because of circumstances.

I’ve been spending too much time, overtime, in Get Up, Trinity mode. Sometimes that’s really helpful for me, sometimes it’s exactly what is needed, and sometimes it isn’t.

A Bones day is for Get Up, Trinity / Get it done, Trinity! Take one step, Trinity, you’ve got this, Trinity.

I love you, Trinity. I really fucking do. Miracles, miracles.

Channeling Trinity helps.

Returning to the protocols

You can’t force a Bones day though. Some days are just a No Bones day, and it is what it motherfucking is:

Rest Up, Trinity! Don’t Get Up Today, Trinity.

As my friend Kat says, no bones days are a thing, and we have a protocol, and that protocol is LIE DOWN, TRINITY.

Resting helps.

Channeling compassion

Channeling compassion and a potent dose of Loving Clarity.

Channeling acknowledgment & legitimacy.

Returning to the useful questions…

Returning to the useful questions

Ah, the useful questions, for example:

What do I need right now? What would help the most? Other than pug pics, but maybe that’s where we begin.

Whatever works.

Whatever works

What is the most supportive course of action for a No Bones day if that’s where I’m at?

How can I rest well so that when I need to be in Get Up, Trinity mode, I can channel those resources of strength, courage and fortitude?

How can I tend to myself with sweetness? How can I take good care of myself, in Bones mode & No-Bones mode?

To love and to cherish…

I highly doubt that I will ever marry again (unless someone is offering either the good health insurance or EU citizenship, in which case: TALK TO ME!!!), but if I do, the wedding vows will substitute “in bones mode and in no-bones mode” for in sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish. In bones mode and no-bones mode. This at least is something I can do for myself right now, and if I can’t, then at least it’s a clue towards where I’m headed.

How can I best cherish myself, my No-Bones-Day self, because that’s my commitment. Let’s keep figuring this out together.

Questions!

Questions we can play with or stones we can skip…

What are some good ways you’ve found to differentiate between a bones day and a no bones day? What clues tell you you’re trying to force a bones day?

How do you show yourself extra compassion on a No Bones day? How do you keep from over-exerting on a Bones day?

What helps? What would help even more than that!

And if you are having a No Bones day then high five, my friend, and happy PPD (pug puddle day) to you, I hope it is restful and replenishing. If today is a Bones Day, then godspeed.

Bon Courage. The collective thanks you for your service!

Come play in the comments, I love company!

Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Bonus materials! Coming soon…

A request

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