What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Scenes from a Saturday morning.
Scene 1.
Teacher: Class! Is it or is it not incredibly stupid for Havi — a known Highly Sensitive Person with hyperacusis who is also recovering from [scary life stuff] and deals with PTSD, flashbacks and recurring nightmares — to have embarked on what is essentially a no-plans no-clear-end-date cross-country trip in a camper?
Class: Hysterical laughter
Now.
Havi: Present time present time present time present time.
Now is not then. Now is now. Now is better. Now is just reminding us of then.
There is a very big difference. We are here and now. We want to be here and now.
Okay, I need the wisest, calmest, most grounded Havi Bell to come to the front of the V, because right now we’re in trauma state.
Good. Wisest me, I need you to say steady, wise things while the rest of us make internal safe rooms. In the meantime I’m going to go ask Yelp to find us a quiet cafe where we can sit and process. Yes? Thank you.
Wisest me.
Wisest me: You’re doing great, kiddo. We’ve got this. Nothing is wrong. This is completely normal and to be expected.
Twenty four days on the road, not enough sleep, getting a cold and your period at the same time. Not to mention Thanksgiving, which is always hugely triggering (remember how last year we had a homelessness freakout while sitting in the living room of our own house that we own, completely forgetting that now isn’t then?). Plus this big heart-expanding new love-trust-joy thing that you’re going through. It’s a lot.
It’s a lot to handle, and you are doing great. These are normal triggers, we’ve dealt with them before.
You are safe. You are loved. You are doing so well.
All you need to do is keep breathing, one foot in front of the other, we are getting you to safe space. You have safe passage all the way there, hold my hand.
Remember how each time we get triggered we collect more clues? We’re going to have the best clues from this round, the best thank yous. We are equipped for this.
You’re doing great. Just breathe. Breathe into your heart. Yup. You remember. We’ve trained on this. Inhale trust, exhale steadiness. Beautiful. We’ve got this.
Back in the classroom…
Teacher: Let the debate begin!
Timmy: (reading) Havi is scared. This is not good. We don’t want Havi to be scared. Havi needs to be safe. Havi should stay at home and have internal adventures instead of going out into the world and having adventures there, because when she gets triggered there is a lot of recovery that needs to happen. Havi needs to always have a place to be that feels safe for her. She shouldn’t have to fend for herself anymore.
Teacher: Who wants to give the arguments of the opposing side?
Me: I guess I will.
Debate club.
Me: I mean, they’re not really arguments, and they’re certainly not opposing. Timmy is right. Havi deals with a lot of fear and pain and vulnerability in life, and right now she is having a moment, for sure.
Let the record show that I am completely on board with the Keep Havi Safe Forever agenda. I just want to suggest that right now she is safe, at some level she knows she is safe, and this adventure is not harming her, it is expanding her knowledge that she is safe and held.
Look how well she was able to take care of herself this morning. Sure, there was some below-surface panic. And yet look what she was able to do from within that…
She called on her wisest selves. She did the practices, followed the protocols. She found the perfect cafe, the just-right bathroom, lemon-ginger tea and a crimson couch. She was able to see all the good and say thank you.
She remembered truth: That this is just a life-moment, and that reminded of then is not the same as actual-then. She was able to get herself back to now. Even from the road, even functioning on only a few hours of sleep and dealing with body stuff.
I think Havi is doing great at keeping herself safe during this adventure. Maybe this experience good for her.
Pausing for thank-you time.
Thank you, beautiful cafe that was the exact right place for a Havi, and only two blocks away from where I was staying. Thank you for reminding me of my favorite places in San Francisco and Tel Aviv.
Thank you, comfortable red velvet couch and wildly over the top, just extravangantly voluptuous armchair that was just so insane it could have been a baroque parody of an armchair. You made me smile.
Thank you, beautifully clean bathroom of generous proportions and lovely green door.
Thank you, periwinkle walls: steady and calming. Thank you, unexpected chandeliers for reminding me of Max. Thank you, wide pink columns, for being audacious.
Thank you, Saturday. Thank you, laptop. Thank you, brown bag. Thank you, cozy grey sweater. Thank you, everything that brought me to this moment.
A thousand thank-yous in my thank-you heart. Even when everything feels unsteady, look at all these ways I have what I need.
Back to Timmy.
Timmy: These are all very good arguments. However, I still stand by my original point that what Havi needs at all times is Safety. Not just testing the boundaries and discovering that yes, she is safe. She needs to perceive and feel that she is safe at all times.
We are not helping her experience this by putting her in situations where she doesn’t know where to go, where she has to run away, like today.
Maybe it’s time to just accept that she is kind of broken. She can’t live a wandering life, and that’s just the way it is. Let’s work around that, not try to break through it.
Wisest me takes over.
Wisest me: Timmy is right. There is a time for extreme measures, extreme safety, extreme hiding, extreme recuperation and recovery. This is, or can be, part of the healing process, and it has been very good for Havi.
At the same time, this does not have to be true for all of time. Havi is a magical unicorn. She holds many aspects and qualities. She is courageous, beautiful, wild, glowing. She is Bell West, adventuress. She is the star of the seven seas.
Absolutely, we need to take wonderful care of her, to support her in learning to take wonderful care of herself. And we also need to let her try things.
This is very different from Then, when she didn’t have resources, a support network, tools for healing, or the ability to be honest about her feelings and needs, whether with herself or with the people in her life. She also didn’t have people around who could handle that kind of honesty.
This is an entirely new life. She lives by Radical Sovereignty. She’s in a beautiful Not-A-Relationship aka a So-Much-Better-Than-A-Relationship aka The Wild Affair of Joy-filled Presence with someone committed to practicing this with her.
Her life is filled with support, kindness, people who care. She can’t fall, and if she did, a hundred nets of grace are right there for her. What if we let her experience what it’s like to bounce, to be held, to fall and laugh instead of fall and cry….
Timmy’s vote.
Timmy: That actually might be worth trying. We could take some notes for the next trip too…
Teacher: Consensus?
Class: WHAT IF EVERYTHING GOES HORRIBLY WRONG AND SHE GETS REALLY TRIGGERED AND EVERYTHING IS LIKE IT WAS THEN AGAIN?!
Teacher: Who thinks that is an actual likely possibility?
Teacher: Yes, Stephanie?
Stephanie: It isn’t likely, but if it did happen, it could be so damaging! On the other hand, maybe building this collection of “oh right still okay” and “yup, still okay this time”, maybe this is a slow healing. I’m not sure. It seems like Havi needs freedom to be able to try things, but she also needs a lot of stability.
Teacher: Good point. Who wants to go to the science lab and come up with some fun experiments to combine Safety and Stability with Adventure and Play?
How we play here. You are invited.
Safe space online is such a rare and precious thing. To make that work, we lovingly commit to two intentional practices: not giving each other advice and not care-taking.
We try to remember that we all have our stuff (pain, fear, doubt, grief, history), and we’re all working on our stuff, each in our own way and our own timing. It’s a process.
So we tread gently. We don’t make assumptions about anyone else’s experience. We meet ourselves and each other with warmth, patience, presence and love, to the best of our ability. We play.
You are welcome to share anything sparked for you, to process your own process, or play in whatever way feels comfortable for you. You can also leave pebbles that mean “I read this and I’m listening and I’m here”. You can leave breadcrumbs of reminders for past you or future you.
I like smiles and hearts and soup.
Wish 282: hearing both the question and the answer
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
It’s right there in the name.
So I’m still on the road, on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic.
Day 25 if you can believe it. This op is kind of just taking as long as it takes, which makes sense if you think about what its called.
We ended up staying in San Diego much longer than planned, not that we had plans.
We camped out in Molly’s backyard and ended up just staying there. I know Molly because she was at a Rally (Rally!) a few years ago. I’m pretty sure at this point that all my friends are Rally people. It is quite possible I only have friends from Rally.
The first night we were there, Molly asked me some sort of ridiculously simple question, something like “what do you want to be doing with your life?”
Hearing.
And I really heard this question instead of just lalala catching up with friends.
I answered completely truthfully.
And I heard what I said as I was saying it.
I want to do this all the time.
I mean, that’s Radical Sovereignty.
Being completely present with my feelings, needs and desires. Present with them, clear about them, and upfront about them, both with myself and with the people in my life.
Expecting the people in my life to do the same with me.
Aiming for resonance and clarity. Saying a yes and knowing it is my Whole Hearted Yes, no more hanging out with the sort-of maybes.
What do I know about this?
Hearing both the question and the answer involves quiet. Getting quieter and quieter, in all ways.
It involves JOY and PLAY, and I have access to both of these, because they live inside of me.
It involves curiosity and receptivity.
It involves a commitment to sustenance and sustainability.
These are all things I want anyway. So nothing needs to change. I don’t need to change course, because I’m already on course.
I just need to breathe and remember.
And ask this question more often.
Hilariously I ask this question every week.
Right here.
That is the question of wishing. What do I want? What do I really want?
Or as I’ve been asking it lately, what do I know about what I want?
Here’s what I’m actually asking:
What do I really know if I’m being completely honest with myself?
Other questions I’m loving right now.
- What would I want to be doing if money, time and external expectations weren’t an issue?
- What helps me be more of a bell?
- What enhances my ability to experience my light, and what diminishes it?
- What needs to be eliminated? And what needs to be illuminated?
- What would I be doing if I didn’t care at all how anyone else would react?
What do I know about this?
Pretty much any question can be the right question, if I’m listening and being honest.
What do I know about what I want?
The words coming up right now are OPEN and VULNERABLE.
So basically it’s a lot like love.
Maybe everything is a lot like love.
What’s next.
I’m not always going to have a Molly moment where the right person is there to ask the right question.
I need to be that person for myself.
This means a return to the practice of stone skipping, something I am missing now that I don’t have Rally.
I need to remember that it doesn’t really matter what the question is. If I had amnesia, or could only bring one question to a desert island (there’s a question or two in that, why am I on this island and why can I only bring one question!), I wouldn’t need more than the wishing question.
What do I really want?
Over and over again.
What do I really want to be doing with my time. What do I really want from this moment, this interaction, this blog post, the experience of eating this apple, this walk down the produce aisle.
What do I really want?
I want to retire and just be an eccentric writer.
And yes, I kind of already am doing that.
But there it is. That’s what I want. In all of its raw truth. That’s what I told Molly.
Now.
I am in a climbing gym.
People are incredibly high up in the air and somehow, impossibly, no one is screaming. I’m pretty sure I’d be falling apart up there. I do not like heights, and I need my hands to talk.
Anyway, I’m watching, admiring the way people do not seem to be overly concerned with their mortality. I wonder what that would be like.
The beautiful boy is bouldering. I can’t see him but I can picture his graceful agile movement through space, I actually feel the arc of his movement from here, as if a shape sketched through air has a physical sensation to it.
It does right now.
I am sitting on a fantastically ugly couch. I had to sign a waiver to sit on this couch. Both of those things are enough of a reminder of the vulnerability of life for me. I do not feel any particular need to be suspended from a rope. I will find my quiet and my grace in other pursuits for now.
What do I really want?
Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: The reason you were able to hear Molly’s question is that you have spent the past two years working with the concepts of This Moment Is Right and Where Is The Treasure.
Me: Okay…
She: That’s a skill you gained from everything seemingly going horribly wrong, and the Spectacular Flailure (yes) of your new business which ended up with you being in charge of a chocolate shop that you do not want. This is how you learned to become the person who pays attention to a moment because that moment is right.
Me: So you are saying that the solution to the challenge resides in the skills received from experiencing that challenge?
She: That’s pretty funny, right?
Me: Yes, yes it is.
Clues?
I shared what I really, really, really want, and Calais said: “This Is The Right Way To Live. This Is The Right Way To Live. Just keep repeating that.”
Just keep repeating that.
The superpower of wearing my crown.
We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.
Current sovereignty challenges: Standing in my strength, unapologetically glowing, trusting what I know, trusting that doing what is obviously good for me is also good for everyone else involved. Acting on this steady truth.
The neighborhood where I stayed for several days last week had a Triple Crown pub, in case I needed another reminder about that.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- My body gets the deciding vote.
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
Taking care of these seeds.
The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.
Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Clues everywhere, may I see them and laugh…
Yes, this was an exceptionally good week for clues. I got a lot of clarity, and, much to my surprise, an astonishing amount of work done. I trusted myself this week.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 331: time to change up the tombstone
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Recognizing a voice.
I was feeling very cranky this week, and then from somewhere inside the crankiness I was able to pull out a phrase, and recognize that this is not my voice.
It might be one of my fuzzy monsters, it might be a tired Havi from the university years, maybe just a belief-pattern that needs some love and attention. Anyway, it goes “I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother”, on repeat.
I am having I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother about a wide variety of things right now, both work-related and heart-related.
Anyway, the recognition felt good, and important. Knowing that this is useful intel, and also that it isn’t the entire truth of me.
Just knowing, hey this feels familiar. That is useful. I know this from somewhere, even if I can’t place it yet. like it might be a premenstrual thing or it might be a burnout thing, I have been here before in I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother, I know this place.
And, if I remember correctly, good things come from getting this fed up. Good things in the form of changes. “I am so damn sick of this that something has to change” is not my favorite way to make changes but sometimes it is the way it needs to happen.
So hello there, I Don’t Know Why I Even Bother. I’m ready to play.
Next time I might…
Give my body movement.
I was the crankiest girl, and also I wasn’t getting any of the body things I need to be happy, and we know how this works, and yet we are always surprised when the fallout starts.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Grief, sadness, loss, more of it. People I love lost people (and animals) they love this week, and that hurts, and I miss my mom, and it’s just all a lot. A breath for permission and for releasing.
- I have very clear intel about what needs to happen next and I’m frozen. A breath for breathing into this and letting it be okay, letting it percolate.
- Five nights without sleeping well, and then when I was finally able to sleep, woken up by a work call for someone else at NOT EVEN SEVEN IN THE MORNING. A breath for being in zombie state, and all the repercussions of that.
- “It’s not a curse but…” The beautiful boy has this [thing] going with vehicles, and I have this [thing] with the ballroom, and we are just going around in circles trying to find a solution to this. I believe with all my heart that there is treasure in this experience, and right now I’m just in the aching pain of it all. Looking for answers, or if not answers, then doors. A breath for patience, sweetness and courage.
- Ferguson and the pain of that. My heart aches. The accumulated distress of living in a culture where injustice is normalized, combined with really being confronted with just how many people can look injustice squarely in the face and not see it. This, for me, is combining with other pain about things that are unjust and not seen. We were driving back to San Diego, and there were cops in riot gear surrounding the small quiet protest. More cops than protesters. In case anyone needed another reminder that it is not safe in this country to express your discontent, certainly not if you’re not white. A breath for love, may love do what it needs to do here. And a breath for clear seeing.
- Thanksgiving. I still hate it. A breath for safety.
- And the thing I am still working on: being really aware of all the ways I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. How easily I will pretend that what I want is not important, or act as if I don’t even know what that is. How easily I forget about I Nourish Myself First. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic: Currently on Day 23 of this wild adventure on the road: me, my notebooks, the boy I have a crush on, a camper, no agenda. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. And I am beginning to understand why the thought of it scared me so much, because it is so beautiful and so intense. A breath for receiving and for clarity.
- “Has there even been a mile of this trip that we’ve not been touching?” Nope! Apparently they’re going to have to remove the stop touching me and just give me some space motto from my tombstone. A breath for warmth, affection, sweetness and this big joy.
- Sleeping through the night again and then some. Sleeping in. And a bunch of dance classes in San Diego. A breath for my happy body.
- Right timing and connection in so many ways. Molly let us camp out behind her house and use her shower and set up an office in her living room. You know those miracle moments of life where you recognize that something special is happening? Like, oh oh oh it is really RIGHT that I came here, and it is good for me and it is good for Molly, and we both needed this, and how perfect that things are unfolding exactly like as they are in this moment, amen. A breath of thank you for this and for laughter and kindness. Thank you, life.
- I know what I want now. I mean, I know exactly what I want. I think I’m done being scared of it too. A breath for this sweet, quiet knowing
- Looking up and smiling. A breath for pure play.
- I am the grinch of thanksgiving, seriously I cannot stand this holiday (though I do love actual thankfulness, as you know), and this is why I always declare Hermitsgiving and run away. This year it was sweet and easy. I snacked all day. My traveling companion ate pie. There were gorgeous flowers all around us, and sunshine and happily napping dogs. The holiday was happening outside somewhere but we were deep in our joy bubble, away from it all. A breath for finding safe haven.
- Heart full of love. Tiny miracles everywhere. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, generosity, permission. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished writing Terpsichore Springs! That’s the latest YEARbook. 25,998 words. Wham boom! I am also close to having two more Internalship books done. And I’ve been playing with The Pomegranate and The Wishing Well. Taking my time, trusting the fractal flowers. And finished big chunk of the Internalship. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
Looking for clues in the pattern.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of hearing the truth inside of something I said as a joke.
And all the powers of wearing fluorescent NOTICE ME pink.
Superpowers I want.
Acting on guidance in addition to listening it. And: I Take Care Of Myself First, Second and Third.
The Salve of I Take Care Of Myself First.
This is an exceptionally nurturing salve, it comes with all the superpowers of Well Moisturized.
This is a salve I need so much and forget to use, until I am parched from need.
Luckily it works almost astonishingly quickly, with its rich saturated goodness and the way it just sinks in deep, caring for everything that has not been cared for.
This is a wonderfully rejuvenating salve. Not only does it soften everything that needs softening, it dissolves the internal programming that says I need to serve the world by being of service, available, giving, self-abdicating. This salve is rewriting the laws in my head that say exhaling is somehow more valuable than inhaling.
This salve returns me to myself. It reminds me to take in nourishment instead of thinking that there is something noble in neglecting myself. It reminds me of secret gardens.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from Agent Lovemore, they’re called No Ducks Allowed, they are play swingy klezmer versions of Elton John songs, heavy on clarinet, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish 281: clues everywhere, may I see them and laugh
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
The unraveling.
As soon as we got to LA, my body forgot how to sleep.
It wasn’t noisy, at least not on the physical plane. Haha, see, that is a very LA thing to say.
That is one nice thing about LA. I am not the the only weirdo.
Anyway, the environs were surprisingly quiet but I was not quiet.
I mean, I was in the sense that I am always quiet. My head was not quiet.
Without quiet, I can’t feel what I need anymore.
After three nights of being wide awake from 2am to 6am, staring into space, wondering what could possibly be useful about having a very expensive-to-run way-too-much-work chocolate shop when I don’t even eat chocolate or care about it at all, I lost all my senses.
My senses were still there of course, it was just that my connection to sensing was gone.
I was so tired I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or not, couldn’t feel my moods, couldn’t feel my body.
I was in that ptsd-like state where you really just need someone to tell you what happens next, someone to propel you into motion when motion is necessary by standing you up, pushing you gently and steadily in the right direction.
My traveling companion was able to step in and do this, to make executive decisions: Let’s get you food. Let’s find the sunscreen. Can you handle a ten minute walk? Let’s do that. Take my hand.
It was so disorienting walking down the street not being able to feel the street. I couldn’t feel the qualities that are usually all around me. I couldn’t feel the wisdom of my thank-you heart.
I felt lost and bewildered.
Except then there were clues.
For a panicked moment, I thought, how will I find my way without being able to feel the qualities, my compass of qualities all around me?
I couldn’t feel them anymore. It was an uncomfortable moment.
I tried naming what was around me:
Green bushes. White wall. Brown dog, pink leash, wagging tail. Clouds in the sky. I am here.
And then, suddenly, there were clues, everywhere. And qualities everywhere.
We turned onto Rose street, and I could feel a flash of my beloved Red Rose Ballroom, which is a very magical place even if it does keep me up at night.
A sign in the window of a shop said Comfort and Ease, and I breathed those in and whispered thank you in my heart.
A cafe was called Gratitude, and I breathed that in: thank you, yes, this is good, this is better.
There were more roses painted on walls, and this helped too, reminding me of my sweet hometown, the Rose City, and the gardens where I like to walk.
I can use clues.
There is something very reassuring about clues, also in remembering that anything can be a clue.
I called on all the superpowers of roses to help me:
Unapologetically Beautiful. Built-in Protection. Long-lasting Vitality. Secret Captivating Fragrance. Strong and Fearless. Notice Me!
It was still hard to feel, like through a cloud, but I began to perk up, knowing they were streaming in.
I looked down on the ground and right in front of my feet someone had sprayed graffiti that said LOVE IS ALL, because LA is the most LA place in the entire world, and I pointed at it, and my lover smiled and kissed my cheek, and I felt that, and sighed audibly with relief because ohmygod I can feel things again.
I focused on my feet until I could feel the sensation of them against the ground again, not just the sound of my falling-apart flip-flops but the actual ground itself.
Thank you, clues.
What do I know about this?
I want to see the clues, use the clues, let them guide me back to what I need.
All the time, not just when I’m so spaced out and worn down that I can hardly see straight.
I want to see just how much good is there for me, just how many sweet reminders there are to reconnect.
I mean, come on. Each tree is whispering love. Each flower is glowing beauty. Even street signs tell me to stop, literally, and god knows I need that. Each beautiful red light is saying breathe, breathe.
So if I’m not seeing clues then it’s because I’m busy, too busy with life to be present with life. Who wants that? How ridiculous is that?
Or it’s because I have forgotten to pay attention to what I need and want in the moment, and paying attention to that, as far as I’m concerned, is the entire point of being alive.
How else am I supposed to take exquisite care of myself, how else am I going to stay deeply connected to the vital joy of Aliveness? How else am I going to remember to glow boldly?
Not to mention: How am I going to be of service to the world if I’m not focused on staying intimately true to myself?
I want to see the clues.
I want to see clearly.
To delight in all the beautiful ways I am already cared for, I already have what I need.
To notice how I am held by life.
To be attentive when it comes to taking care of myself, to make changes in how I do this. For example, if I need internal quiet to sleep, and the physical place I am in does not support that, I need to run away to the mountains, which is what I am doing now.
Anyway, the point is, I want to be with the clues.
What’s next.
Here’s what happens when I don’t follow clues.
For example, my body is like, oh hey babe we need rest, and I say, lalala okay maybe later, and then I get sick.
Why would I want to teach my body — to train it to get my attention in loud dramatic ways?
Why would I not want to train myself to be the most loving listener ever.
I am thinking of all of this in the context of Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, which I am currently on,
Last week I got some pretty big intel about what needs to happen next, and it scares me how much I want it. It scares me to say it out loud. I am terrified to act on it. I am equally terrified to not act on it.
The intel is here, so am I going to listen? That seems like the only reasonable choice, and yet here I am, wondering.
Now.
I am wearing toasty red socks that used to belong to my mother. They hold the qualities of Warmth and Comfort.
I am high up in the mountains with an outrageous sky full of stars.
The beautiful boy sang to me as we drove. He touched my cheek and I sighed contentedly, like a sleepy cat. We saw a spectacular falling star on our long winding way up the mountain road.
Here it is easier for me to feel qualities, access them, let them move through my body. Less interference, in all forms.
I need to learn how to be the person who can do this when I am not on a mountain (I mean that mostly metaphorically but also yes, mountains), and that will come whenever it comes.
For now it just feels good to feel again.
May I see clearly, breathe deeply, take exquisite care of myself, ask loving questions, choose peacefulness, smile at stars.
What do I really want?
Same as the past few weeks. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Release with love, receive with love.
Me: That’s it?
She: That’s EVERYTHING, babe.
Clues?
Passed a sign on the road and my traveling companion said, Now that’s a good sign.
Yes, yes it is.
The superpower of wearing my crown.
We’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.
Current sovereignty challenges: Standing in my strength, unapologetically glowing, trusting what I know, trusting that doing what is obviously good for me is also good for everyone else involved. Acting on this steady truth.
Oh, you know what? I got a clue for this one too actually!
Yesterday I was thinking about how I forget to advocate for myself, and then a truck pulled in front of us, a white truck with nothing on it except two freshly painted green crowns on the back. As if to say: YES, THIS IS WHAT IS NEEDED. EACH OF YOU WEARING YOUR CROWN.
Ongoing wishes.
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- My body gets the deciding vote.
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
- I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me, I Am Okay With Being Seen, Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
Taking care of these seeds.
The intentions have been planted, the sails are set. Whatever intel, fruits or flowers emerge will be just right, whatever they are. Thank you in advance.
Now to nap on it, dance it, write it, play with it, take notes, skip stones, walk the labyrinth. Deep breaths, purple pills, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true. And a good costume change never hurts. Also eight breaths in eight directions:
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Blessed…
This was a very good week for feeling my way into this.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 330: taking care of elves
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Trusting.
Every time I started to feel shaky and scared this week, I immediately said to myself: “My love, this is a completely normal part of taking time to figure out what you want!”
When I used to run retreats, invariably someone would have a total meltdown around day 4, and we’d always say, “It’s not a retreat until you fall the fuck apart!”. And then giggle hysterically.
So yeah. It’s just part of the voyage.
If you undertake something big, and ohmylord taking time for myself to be in a state of not-doing and not-producing is big, then things are going to move and shift.
You’re going to get new intel (or new insights into the intel you’ve been ignoring, in my case), and it’s going to shake things up a bit.
So falling apart is natural and normal.
Like when you do long, slow, extended yoga poses for the hips and spine. Your body will probably feel, in Paul’s words, fragile and vulnerable, and this is a good thing.
Remembering this, and trusting this. That was my salvation this week.
Next time I might…
Ask sooner.
I put off asking for something this week, and then it was so completely simple. Let’s be brave and ask!
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Grief. The sadness about losing my mother takes different shapes and forms, like watching someone paint in watercolor. A breath for permission.
- I finally got quiet enough to hear what I really need. I’ve heard it many times this year but each time responded with “well, but that’s impossible though”. Now I am at the point where it doesn’t matter if it’s impossible. It is what needs to happen, so it’s going to have to happen. I imagine this will, at some point, feel incredibly liberating. Right now it’s just scary. A breath for sweetness.
- I have so many elements of the thing I want, and I can also see how I get myself into cycles where I forget to nourish myself, and how I pay the price for this. A breath for ease and for change.
- Insecurity. Sometimes I need to hear the same reassuring thing whispered in my ear, or in my heart, a hundred times a day before it even begins to break the hard built-up surface of disbelief. A breath for patience, sweetness and courage.
- Things that are unknown. Sitting with the void. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
- Forgetting truth-love, forgetting to take care of myself, forgetting that this is my job. A breath for remembering.
- And in the ongoing theme, the continued encounters with all the ways I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. It is fascinating to me just how easily I will pretend that what I want is not important, or act as if I don’t even know what that is. Yet again, a breath for trust and more trust and even more trust after that. And for practicing wearing my crown.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic: It is so much better than I was imagining. Mind: blown. All of my Ludicrous Fear Popcorn that it wouldn’t actually be magic, or that I wouldn’t feel tranquil or that I wouldn’t like the tranquility or that my adventuring companion and I wouldn’t really connect, it was all absurd, all concocted by well-meaning fuzzball monsters who want me to be safe. Every second of this trip has been luscious, sweet, healing, infused with warmth and shared delight. A breath for receiving.
- Holding hands and smiling the most sweetness-laced joy-filled smiles for fifteen days straight, doped up to the gills on happy. A breath for lalalalalalalala I like this.
- I am having a wild passionate affair with life right now, and this is so very healing. A breath for sea and sky and breath and quiet knowing.
- My body is getting so much gazelle time. Hours of walking by the water. Sun salutations, stretching, old turkish lady yoga, dance practice, dancing every night. A breath of thank you.
- I got the intel I have been waiting for. It wasn’t what I was expecting and that is okay. A breath for being held in love.
- Dirk and Annette, our alter-egos, killing it on the dance floor. And I went on a rollercoaster! Twice! If you know me, feel free to laugh hysterically about that one. I did it and it was fun. A breath for pure play.
- I asked for joy on Sunday and not only did I get a thousand tiny sweet moments of joy, on Wednesday we ended up at the joy-filled house of a woman whose last name is Joy, and there was even more joy to be had. And laughter. So much laughter. A breath for the gift of being able to see something beautiful and true while it is happening.
- Thankfulness. Heart full of love. Tiny miracles everywhere. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, so much generosity and permission. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I am away on Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic, which means that I’m writing, writing and writing and editing like crazy, while trusting the fractal flowers. And finished big chunk of the Internalship. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
The surprising practice of asking what is more astonishing.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
I had the power of Sleeping In Until Eleven — I usually have the power of automatically waking up at 6am so this was completely new for me and it was awesome.
And I had all the powers of Being Deliriously Enthralled And Enthralling At The Same Time, which was hot, and I will take more of that please.
Superpowers I want.
Same as last time. The superpower of Joyful Full-Hearted Adventuring While Treasuring Myself.
The Salve of Tranquility Recovery Magic
This salve contains many qualities, including:
Rest. Surrender. Love. Receiving. Anchoring. Softening. Glowing Boldly. Rejuvenation.
It is salve that softens everything, immediately. It is just the tiny bit tingly, though that part is mostly just that moment when you notice that you have suddenly become more receptive to moments of joy.
Judgment wafts away as you realize that actually there is nothing wrong with just going to bed, or with eating now instead of waiting until everyone else is hungry.
It’s a secret sovereignty salve, because as you begin to take care of yourself and your selves (and your elves), everything begins to make more sense. And then you no longer agree to giving up on what you need in a misguided attempt to make other people happy. Pretty subversive stuff, if you think about.
That’s the magic part of the tranquility recovery magic. Well, that’s where it starts. This salve is creamy, rich, nourishing. There is no name on the jar, just a faint imprint of a unicorn.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from my obsession this week with redirecting myself to the question: does this take care of me, does this help us take care of ourselves? Autocorrect prefers elves to selves, so this week’s band is called Taking Care Of Elves, they are a ska funk sextet that is somehow still only just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.