What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
A pleasant volley with the universe / Peace Within
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
A pleasant volley with the universe / Peace Within
(Preface!)
Happy Equinox, my far-away-friends. It’s nearly two weeks into the time change here and it is still massively kicking my ass, each morning feels like an impossible struggle to even consider getting up, but I am trusting my notes from every previous year that this does indeed pass, and to keep going outdoors as often as I can.
I will be writing up my equinox wishes (a form of Three Months Later…) this weekend, and possibly sharing some with you here soon, or maybe today’s thoughts are the wish-seeds, or maybe both? Maybe both.
Either way, I welcome a moment of pause in the calendar to take a breath and re-orient towards yeses.
Apparently I also wrote about this two years ago.
And I hope you can feel this in some way: I am lighting a candle for [all good things, everything getting better, safety & sanctuary, simple elegant solutions, some really good surprises, ease of ease, it all works out] or something even better than that.
Or something even better. May it be so. Okay, let’s get into it.
Circling (something)
Each day I go outside and circle-walk for a while in my pasture, at least once during the day, sometimes for a few minutes and sometimes for many minutes.
Some days I am just craving this time outside, knowing that as I walk circles alone with my thoughts, everything will resolve itself into some kind of peace.
And other days, I would rather avoid it and even resent it for taking up time in my day, but I do it anyway, because outdoor time is Double Bonus Points, as an ex of mine says, and who doesn’t want Double Bonus Outdoor Points.
It helps
Double bonus points are great. But also I do it because I know from experience that I will feel better once I’m moving, even if I don’t think it will help. It will.
The movement, the delicious fresh air, the companionship of my tree friends, being outdoors beneath the enormous New Mexico sky. It all helps.
In fact, pasture walking is in that exact category of things that help more than I think they will, even if not always as much as I want or need them to.
Yoga, for example, for me. Jogging. Dance party in my living room. Getting on the floor and rolling around.
Sometimes these are transformative practices that completely shift everything, and I wonder why I didn’t do them sooner. Sometimes they help me feel ten percent better, but ten percent better is not an insignificant shift either.
Either way, totally worth it. Do the things that help, babe. (I say this to myself a lot.)
(What am I circling)
One afternoon last week while circle-walking in the pasture, a jogger passed by on the road and we waved to each other.
It was a moment of feeling this exquisite blend of deeply human emotion: equal parts sad and happy at the same time.
Happy because of the delight in a moment of simple human connection, unexpected as it is out here in the wild wilds. I live so remote, at a great distance from everything. It’s not often that I wave to anyone at all.
Sad because other than my birthday hike with Cate to hug my favorite tree, it had been probably six weeks without seeing a friend or having an in-person conversation, and waving to someone reminded me of my ongoing wish:
I wish I had more friends here…
Except I don’t know what to do with that wish, because of a variety of circumstances, not the least of which is being an immunocompromised person who cannot afford to get Covid so I’m not about to go do a bunch of socializing, even if I had the resources and energy to head into civilization that often.
Almost and sort-of, but keep moving, keep it moving
Here’s the thing. It’s hard to solve a mystery about lack or perceived lack from a place of empty; it helps to refill first.
And so I headed to Arizona for emergency supplies of hugs and conversation, and to escape the wilding wind storms.
I drove through a dust storm (the signs with the flashing lights said it was a level 3 dust storm, but what does that mean?) and then an enormous rainstorm, and barely made it up a gnarly back road to my aunt Meira who is not really my aunt, but almost and sort-of.
Almost and sort-of is kind of a theme these days.
Movement
It was wonderful to be reunited with her. A breath for the joy of this.
We listened to the rain and drank tea and talked about heartbreak and healing, the converging rivers of knowing something is for the best but also being in pain about it.
And about circle-walking. A healing form of movement. Or: movement is the healing, and the form doesn’t matter. But I do love a circle walk.
In the quiet / not in the quiet / back to the quiet
She told me a story of being in such a state of chaotic rage and fury, many years ago, that she circle-walked her way through a fit of ranting, until a voice that was not hers told her very firmly: BE QUIET.
And then she quieted.
I asked if she thought the voice meant it in the sense of Be in the state of quiet, aka quiet your thoughts, enter into quiet? Or if it was more like omg please stfu and stop whining, and she said it was definitely the first sense of being quiet. An instruction, but a kind one.
And that when she went back inside to the [source/s of the chaotic rage meltdown], she had lost her voice and actually had to be in a state of quiet for longer than anticipated.
What lives inside a wish
I have been journaling a lot on my wishes lately, and many of my wishes center around companionship; more friends here, more friends coming to visit, more people to hike with, more phone calls, not letting myself over-isolate…
There is also something here about prioritizing this, on my part. Why did it take me until I was running on empty when it comes to conversation and hugs to go seek them? Preventative care > waiting until things are dire.
Or as Bluetree wisely put it, asking for help > walking into the sea.
The essence of the wish is the hum, stay with the hum
A the same time, I am noticing how these wishes are forcing me — or at least they are asking me — to investigate the question of how do I make sure I am maintaining my hum of peace and quiet and steadiness while also inviting more intentional connection…
What do I know about this fear of losing myself inside of connection?
What helps me maintain my Havi hum? The hum of self, of my such-ness….
This also seems to be about staying true to something essential, which requires both quiet and connection…
The usual conundrum
The usual conundrum: I like expansive views, deep startling quiet, open space, a clear line of sight, a million stars, to be in nature, not just adjacent to it. Not only do I like all these things, I require them.
I isolate in part to make sure I have these in abundance, because without them, I can’t thrive.
But then I also crave shared laughter, easy companionship, someone to walk with, someone to cook with or for.
It’s not that I want someone to live here with me full time, but I wish for more frequent visitors in the category of people I would enjoy visiting with.
Another theme that comes up in wishing my wishes is how much I miss a good volley…
A good volley
I spent the majority of my twenties in Tel Aviv and then in Berlin, and that was the right age and the right location for the experience of one thing deliciously leads to another.
I’d stop at a kiosk or go take a yoga class, strike up a conversation with someone, they’d invite me to a gallery opening, and from there someone else would invite me to a rooftop party, and three days later I would find myself with new friends and a bunch of absolutely wild stories.
A delightful volley with the universe.
Now I live alone on the edge of the forest, and avoid people to get enough quiet, and also to protect my immune system, and I miss some good volleying.
Available?
For a long time I was starting my morning with silent meditation, and then something shifted, and it wasn’t working for me anymore, and I switched to listening to guided meditations.
One of the morning meditations I sit with says something about staying open, available to what the universe has in store today.
At first I noticed myself feeling prickly about this phrase, because certainly the last few years what the universe has had in store for me has been really fucking challenging.
Lightness
Then slowly over time, I began to find some lightness in this notion of [AVAILABLE], and began to ask myself: am I paying attention, with love, to what is being offered in the day?
Where could I be more receptive and available? Surely that too starts with noticing, and with quieting.
Quieting to notice. Noticing to quiet. Its own form of circle walking.
What am I like when I am available for the thing I think I wish for? Because it is a bit silly to keep wishing for something and then stay unavailable to it…
Compassion Compassion Compassion
Each morning I set an intention for the day, and here is what’s been coming up over the past weeks:
COMPASSION COMPASSION COMPASSION. For myself first and foremost. Glowing it outward for whoever needs it. And making sure I keep directing it inward.
Calm Steady Focus.
Peace Within.
Grounded Enthusiasm.
Devoted to Pleasure.
Deliberate Thriving.
And of course, cultivating this mindset of staying available to beautiful surprises.
A good volley
I met a friend of Meira’s who is a woman in her 80s who reads tarot, an absolute shining radiant jewel of a person, and then went to my appointment and ran errands.
On the second errand, a woman stopped me and asked if I had just been at [previous errand location] because she had been there too and noticed me. Normally I would probably say something polite in response, laugh and keep it moving.
But in the interest of staying receptive to what the universe has in store, and staying true to my wish of having more real, present, grace-filled human interactions, I stopped to chat, which is extremely unlike me, and we had a really lovely easy conversation.
What fun. What a good surprise. Here’s to staying available.
Unexpected
I like people who say unexpected things that make me think; this is why I read Etgar Keret stories, or spend time with my aunt-not-aunt Meira.
And Nina, the person who somehow was on the exact same trajectory of Friday errands as I was, turned out to have lots of firm ideas about what is good, which was a delight. God I love a good strongly held opinion, especially an unexpected one.
She asked where I was going next, and my plan was to meet up with my friend V and go to a kitchen supply store — a favorite shared activity, and something we have been doing on and off for at least six years.
We discussed kitchen supply stores, and agreed on the best one, and Nina instructed me to stop by the nearby Italian import market, telling me to take it from an Italian that this place is legit.
Clue-following, with commitment
As it turns out, this is the very place that catered V’s parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, so apparently all the Italian-Americans of Tucson agree on this one very specific thing, and so we went, and it was wonderful.
Clue-following, with commitment: another form of staying available.
Yes. Open, available, receptive to what universe has in store: a VOLLEY WITH THE UNIVERSE.
There is some good magic to receptive and available, to a devotion to clue-following. And to getting/staying quiet enough to hear it or receive it. You need both. Or at least I do.
Wisdom, walking
I missed pasture-walking and so I dragged V to a favorite labyrinth, which is not exactly like pasture-walking but it is a quieting (and circular!) experience, and then went to visit two more labyrinths on my own later in the day.
Here is the labyrinth wisdom I received:
“In order to follow the next indicated step you need to get quiet enough to perceive it”.
And, “Root down, lighten up.”
And, “To get past heartbreak, do everything with passion.”
Thanks for the volley. I have more to journal on and explore now.
Available
This to me is also part of staying receptive, open and available. It is less about the wisdom (although I love this wisdom), and more about letting it ripple out into my consciousness.
Can I maintain a state of light-hearted receptivity as I try to stay true to myself and my wishes? Can I stay available to interacting with these gems of truth, or even a small aspect of them?
What if Root Down Lighten Up isn’t about “hey you need to lighten up and stop being such a baby”, and instead is more about let the light move upwards through you, or even stay grounded to better connect to lightheartedness…
What comes next, now that I am back home? I joined a local hiking club, as a talisman promise to myself that I am going to try to be around people more but also spend even more time moving in nature.
And I am investigating what else I can do or approach with passion, and how to avoid the trap of thinking that nothing I do is enough…
What’s next?
I am going to take all of this to the pasture, and walk it out.
And try to keep slowing things down so that I can make sure I am paying attention.
If you have any wishes you are wishing, drop a tiny clue about them in the comments or anything you know about them that you want to investigate, and I will light a candle for good volleying, for beautiful surprises, for positive shift, for wisdom revealing itself in good timing, for whatever is needed most.
Lots of love to everyone who reads.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Our Lady of Perpetual Striving
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Our Lady of Perpetual Striving
A phenomenon in search of a name
Quite often I find myself reaching for a name for a known phenomenon, or at least a known-to-me phenomenon, and not finding one.
Lately I have been searching for a name to refer to a very specific trap that has been coming up in my life on the daily, and that I will describe like this…
Let’s say, because this literally happened the other day, that there were TWELVE things on my list of things that need my attention. And let’s assume that at least some of these twelve items were what I like to call Iguanas, aka extra sticky-stuck situations that I am almost allergic to dealing with. A situation where something needs to be liberated.
And maybe some of these items also turned out to be extra complicated or they contain more steps than I thought they would.
Somehow, heroically and against all odds, I took care of NINE (9!) of these items. And yet…
AND YET (there’s always the And Yet)
And yet somehow I get all tangled up in the perception that I didn’t do enough, or that it doesn’t matter, that I accomplished nothing of value because the list is still there?
Obviously a lot of this is monsters (internal self-criticism mechanisms), and a lot of it comes from puritan and capitalist culture, the air that we breathe, the water that we swim in, the toxic perspective that we should always be working and never resting, that there is always more, more, more.
This is the culture of Our Lady of Perpetual Striving (okay, so I do have a name for that part of it), but also there is something more than that. That’s a cause, or a contributing factor, but what of the phenomenon itself?
How do we maintain a healthy practice of rest & pause when there is no done?
My friend Kathryn called this The I Want To Be DONE And There Is No Done trap, which is an accurate name.
We crave arriving at an end point or a resting point, but life keeps life-ing (if we’re lucky), and there are dishes to be done, floors to be cleaned, provisions to be obtained, all the things that come flying into our various inboxes, and so on.
Sometimes for me this reminder of There Is No Done (so don’t fall into the trap of DONE) itself is helpful in reminding me that I can just press pause, take a rest, RESET AND RESTART. A refreshing reminder.
At other times, the hopelessness of There Is No Done really hits me hard, and I can sink into the pits of What’s The Fucking Point Of Any Of It, until I am too overwhelmed to remember how to start again. So there’s that.
But also something about praise, and something about contentment
When I do my daily pasture walk for mental health (which sometimes I crave and sometimes I rebel against and resent, but pretty much always helps), I like to name elements of my day and GIVE MYSELF SOME CREDIT.
This is not an easy practice for me, giving myself credit, but also it feels vital, like a form of medicine.
I give myself credit for getting out of bed, and for consuming vegetables (plural?! the heroism!!!!), and for literally anything I can think of. It’s a sparklepoint parade going on in the pasture.
I give myself credit wherever I can, and try to breathe kindness and compassion for all the moments where I struggled, because that’s also part of being a person dealing with the many challenges of this world.
Mainly I try to remind myself that the hard things are hard, and I could have just as easily gotten zero things done because they’re all complicated situations that involve decision making and calculations and next steps, and even thinking about how to approach them is an act of courage.
Accomplishment blindness?
A friend of mine suggested the term Accomplishment Blindness, and I think maybe there is something there too, even if for me it’s more centered in a form of unwillingness or an avoidance when it comes to being able to perceive the wins, or the achievements as they are.
That is to say, it’s not an inability to see so much as it is an inability to recognize or acknowledge, if that makes sense, which I hope it does.
This also seems related to the difficulty I have in giving myself credit for anything (which is why I practice so hard), and to Our Lady of Perpetual Striving.
Or as Holly put it, it’s Our Lady of Perpetual Striving in combination with the trap of Perfect Or Doom, combined with the monsters of But You Said You’d Get It All Done!
Bonus great name suggestion!
I think also this phenomenon doesn’t have a name in part because it serves the culture when we all think we are never getting enough done, that’s what keeps the wheels turning.
Also I loved another name my friend suggested for this which was Wimbliness (“I’m all wimbly today!”), as in: I find myself in a stupor of being unable to perceive any of the wins!
You are welcome to come up with fun names of your own, I welcome all of them!
What is the opposite of Perpetual Striving but still has some of the joy of accomplishing
One element for me in the culture of Our Lady of Perpetual Striving is the impossibility of it all. You are always pushing, never pausing to rest or reflect.
It’s a game. But it doesn’t feel like a form of play, maybe because it’s rigged, and maybe because it’s not in service of anything? Not aligned with something I value?
That’s the trap of you think you can get to done but there will just be more, and you’ll burn out before you ever get to anything remotely like a finish line.
Where is the play?
Naming the elements
So the opposite of this has to include or involve, for me at least, elements of:
- Rest & Rejuvenation
- Self-Reflection
- Re-evaluation
- Some good clean fun / some good Doing Glorious Nothing
- Contrast (what is an activity that, while not necessarily restful, provides contrast to getting stuff done)
- Play
- Wonder & Delight
- Letting myself be surprised
And of course, maybe the most important element for me is allowing myself to pursue pleasure, follow rabbit holes, get distracted by clues, trust the winding path…
More questions to ponder…
As C Thi Nguyen might put it, am I behaving in accordance with my own values and checking in with those values, or am I letting the environment shape and change my values to match those of the game or the culture?
Or as Zadie Smith might put it, if everything in our life is a behavior modification device, how am I making choices conscientiously and wisely when it comes to how I wish or prefer my behavior to be modified?
How are we going to play?
Regardless of the name we end up using for this (and I sincerely hope we can put our heads together and come up with many good options!), I think this practice is ultimately about paying attention to the underlying pattern.
And adding compassion.
Observing the pattern changes the pattern, or at least allows us more options for interrupting it.
The practice of noticing (with love)
I want to become a keen noticer of when I am not giving myself credit, when I am forgetting that each step is a win, or when I am getting stuck in the trap of trying to get to DONE, and only then do I get to rest or feel good about myself. Because that is the worst trap.
But not blaming myself for falling into the trap again, because that’s also a trap, right? It is so reasonable and understandable that we fall into Perpetual Striving patterns while existing inside of a culture that prioritizes always being busy and stressed but trying to achieve more.
Also I think we are going to have to find a way to get more playful with all of this…
Okay, so we fell into the trap. Is there a fun sound effect for that? Can we play the song that goes with whoops, trap time…
It’s going to happen, and we are going to have to give ourselves even more credit for noticing. If we can laugh about it a little, all the better. And if we can’t, because the stuck is too stuck, then compassion for that too. Been there, will be there again.
Let’s play!
You are welcome to drop any NAMING suggestions into the comments, or anything else you have noticed about this phenomenon.
You are also invited to give yourself credit for anything at all, because good job to you, I will celebrate with you.
And of course we can brainstorm possible ways we might notice and lovingly or playfully interrupt this pattern when it shows up…
Lots of love to everyone who reads.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
How to make scary phone calls, or: how I make scary phone calls when I don’t want to
Reflecting on how every day the sky here has some new drama for me, and I love it…
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
How to make scary phone calls (for example)
Let’s explore! Or: okay but then how do you do the scary things when you need to do something that scares you
Last week, I wrote about the unlikely approach of not leaving your comfort zone, unless of course you are someone who gets a fun rush from pushing yourself out of yours.
And then I had some interesting and thoughtful conversations with people about this topic, that were all variations on “okay but I do actually need to do things that scare me, so then how do you do the scary things that need doing????”
Let’s clarify! I love clarity!
To be clear, I regularly do things that scare me. Every day. More often than I’d like. They are not fun. And I do them anyway.
So I did not mean to imply that we just lalala somehow opt out of all the scary things, since the scary things are many, and they need doing.
(I almost called this post BUT THEN HOW DO I CALL MY REPS since that was something that came up a few times.)
My point remains that I choose to opt out of the approach or mindset that I “should” be able to get out of my comfort zone. Instead, I re-orient myself towards an approach of how to make the scary things doable in such a way that I don’t have to hurl myself out of my comfort zone.
Let’s play around with the how of this, and specifically regarding phone calls since that’s what came up most.
A note about process
You might already have your own ways of making scary things less scary and more approachable, and that’s wonderful. Or maybe you don’t yet, but the ones I have to offer don’t speak to you. That’s okay!
Self-fluency is not about any kind of One Right Way; it’s about figuring out the approach, mindset and techniques that work for you, so that you can have a more compassionate, intentional, loving, warm, heartfelt relationship with yourself and your projects.
You definitely don’t ever need to do things the way I do them.
What I’m trying to do here is model one possible shape this could take, in the hopes that it will potentially generate some idea-sparks for what might work better for you. Or at least send you off in the direction towards what you might like to try next.
We try things, and we learn from trying
We try things, we experiment, we reconfigure the experiments and try again. It’s all useful information.
Everything I’m sharing here is just stuff that I have tried that helps me. Your mileage may vary and probably will; my hope is that you get some ideas and inspiration for possible next steps in your own experiments.
And of course I am excited for whatever you discover and uncover.
The elements
I intensely dislike phone calls, especially when they are related to health stuff, calling my representatives, any situation where I am worried that I will just burst into tears at any moment, or that I will forget how talking works, or that I might get in a fight with someone.
Here are the elements in my approach to these scary-to-me phone calls.
Rename!
Alignment!
Reconnaissance!
Entry!
Call in the team! Even if the team is imaginary!
Magic! (Light a candle)
A bit about these…
RENAMING
I am simply not ever going to call the dentist, I just won’t, in fact I don’t even like writing that sentence, but they are in my phone as Your Mission: A Gleaming Smile.
Will I take steps towards tending to my smile? It’s certainly less unlikely, and it’s a starting point to get me to the next part.
Similarly l have a Flax Season person, and instead of a primary care practitioner, I renamed PCP to mean a Partner in Care Practices.
Not everyone loves this technique, and if names don’t get under your skin, then skip this one.
But renaming can be a fun and playful exercise. Plus it’s an excuse to put things in the anagram generator, which I love.
ALIGNMENT
I have written about this before but basically the idea is this:
Before I make the challenging call, I make a brief list (up to ten items) of things the person I will be talking to and I have in common.
Here are some examples…
Alignment for interacting with any health care professional
I remind myself that I want to believe this person got into health care because of the caring part, and we can both channel the quality of CARING.
We probably have other things in common too, for example…
- We are both invested and engaged in well-being
- We both want me to be healthy and thriving
- We both want to make sure that I get all the information I need
- We both are hoping for clear, open, warm, kind communication
- We both want to have a pleasant interaction today; we can prioritize this
- We both want what’s best for me, and for me to have a good experience being cared for
- We are both here in the present moment connecting and engaging, and can agree to have a warm, helpful mutually beneficial interaction.
A note about trauma! And how reasonable it is
Sometimes when I do an alignment exercise like this, I am reminded of really negative experiences I have had with health care practitioners in the past, and the ways I have been harmed and traumatized by them. Very normal and understandable.
In that case I might need a good cry, or a good rage storm, or both, and maybe a dance party for good luck.
I want to practice NOW IS NOT THEN.
And I use my Even Though phrases, for example:
“Even though in the past I have had negative experiences, I am safe now. I am grounded here in the present moment, now is not then, and I am asking for a health care person whose heart is centered on true caring.”
Another alignment example
I used this recently for calling someone to resolve a stressful situation, and it went beautifully, much better than I thought it would.
L and I both want:
- good clear communication
- to know where we stand
- ease of ease
- some good loving clarity
- to just get this done, we are both so glad to be getting this done right now
- to remember that our work together has meaning and purpose
And even though I don’t want to be brave, everyone is glad that I am being brave.
Alignment for calling my representatives
I want to remind myself that the person answering my call wants to have a pleasant easy interaction, they are not judging me, their job is just to note what that I have to share:
We both want this to be a comfortable conversation.
We both want this interaction to go smoothly.
This person works in public service in order to be of service and because they are passionate about something.
I just have to read my script and they will note it down, this can be a neutral experience.
Reconnaissance!
This is just the phase of gathering intel. What is the number of my representative. Has someone already posted a good script online that I can read.
Getting the information in one place makes it easier to do the thing.
Any other entry
Alignment and reconnaissance are great forms of ENTRY, aka readying yourself for the experience.
Sometimes I also need to give myself structure, for example I pretend that I have five minutes to break into the mainframe (make the call).
Other times entry might be going for a walk to clear my head, or rolling around on the floor, or clearing visual space.
Calling in the team
If there is someone I know who can help me, I lean on this. And if there isn’t, I have a workaround.
But I am a big fan of body doubling. Maybe someone you know also has do something scary and you can both do it at the same time or on the same day, or in the same week, and update for accountability.
Cheer each other on, light a candle for your friend’s success!
(I will add some techniques and ideas below for what to do if you don’t have someone to help out, but also: drop a note in the comments, and I will light a candle for your mission and cheer you on too. Happy to be on the team.)
Switch Ops!
I also love the sneaky practice of SWITCH OPS (someone does your call and you do theirs), because it is always way less scary to deal with someone else’s dilemma.
if you don’t have a someone for this, and often I don’t, you can call in an Incoming self, a Slightly Wiser You, a special ops self, and ask them to come to the front of the V.
Aka, can you imagine that all aspects of you are like a flock of birds, and you want to invite one to the front of the V formation to lead the way, so you call on one who has the right skills for the job.
For example, maybe I feel stuck because don’t want to make this call, but The Cowboy can do it.
Maybe I feel really really really stuck, but Glamorous Me can to put on make up and high boots and talk to someone on the phone, and this self thinks it is a fun game.
Any other entry
Something that helps me focus and channel courage for the scary thing is naming the superpowers, for example, here are some on my list right now…
Love, Courage, Strength, Miracles
Asking for Guidance
IT SOLVES ITSELF
A better version / Do-Overs Forever
Luckily, X
Simple elegant solutions
Easier than i think
Clear the decks / clear the path to clear the path
Most Courageous Self To The Front / what would most courageous self do
How can I make strategizing PLAYFUL?
Alright so we have some possible starting points
The scary things are scary, that’s our current reality.
And also, some of us don’t thrive when we perceive that we have to hurl ourselves out of our comfort zone.
If all the ideas and suggestions here seem unnecessary to you, then that’s great, you’re someone who can already make the phone call! You don’t need extra techniques. Or if you’re someone who likes scaring yourself a little, then it’s kind of fun. Or maybe you just love talking to people and want to do my calls too. 😉
For those of us who need extra support and additional layers of comfort in our comfort zones, these are just some ideas for getting started. Not in exiting the comfort zone but extending the edges a little.
Let’s play!
Hope there’s something helpful in here for you, or at least it can send you on an interesting exploration to figure out what your own yeses are. Lighting a candle for you and for us and for these calls happening if they need to happen, and all the stressful situations resolving themselves beautifully.
May it be so or something even better. Drop your op (secret op name or just a phone call you have to make) in the comments, and I will light a candle for speedy success.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
You do not ever have to leave your comfort zone*
Reflecting on the sky pretending to be a flock of wild birds
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
You do not ever have to leave your comfort zone*
Here is something we do not talk about enough
Here is something we do not talk about enough:
Some people get a high from pushing themselves to do something that’s uncomfortable for them, and that high gives them a certain amount of pleasure, and I love that for them. What a cool experience for someone (who is not me) to have.
If you aren’t one of those people, first of all, do not take advice from those people haha. It will make you so miserable.
People vary!
You do not ever have to leave your comfort zone*
*Unless doing so gives you a fun high, in which case go for it!
Also
Also, I just want to acknowledge how much it sucks that the broader culture applauds and rewards stories of people who push past their comfort zone, and stigmatizes not being able to do it.
And second of all, please know that it’s truly okay to be in the camp of people who need to feel safe and comfortable to be able to function, and who thrive when they can add on more comfort, not when they push themselves to be uncomfortable.
Maybe you’ll find some good, supportive ways to gradually expand your circle of what feels comfortable and doable for you, in your own right timing, applying the principle of Safety First.
A breath for that.
Seventeen years ago, somehow
I wrote an essay here in May of 2008, which is somehow seventeen years ago, called give me back my comfort zone. I still get emails about it occasionally.
Apparently it was something people needed to hear, or maybe, really, were craving to hear.
The zone of what is comfortable exists for a reason
We live in a culture that goes hard on all the reasons you (allegedly) need to be pushing yourself at all times; a culture that doesn’t have a lot of patience for those of us who are not served by experiences of discomfort.
And I think about this dilemma or this challenge every time someone sends me a post or meme that’s a variation on “don’t tell me to get out of my comfort zone, I want to be even more comfortable than I already am”.
It’s good that the conversation is shifting, that it’s become more acceptable to push back on the narrative that the only way to pursue positive change in your life is to get uncomfortable.
Use what works for you of course
Again, if you’re the kind of person who gets a high from trying something that scares you, then practicing exiting your comfort zone might be a great technique or approach for you. Enjoy that big sensation!
It just doesn’t need to be the only way, for all people all of the time.
And I would love for our culture to shift in a way that makes more room for those of us who need extra comfort, extra time, extra space, to explore without making ourselves miserable.
I’m glad it’s becoming more acceptable to be a comfort-zone dweller, or even devotee
I’m glad this is becoming more of an acceptable thing to say these days. It’s good to know that about yourself, if you are the kind of person who thrives in a comfort zone.
And I’m glad it’s becoming a little less stigmatized, in some circles, to be a comfort-zone dweller, or even a comfort-zone devotee. Hell yeah. Love a good sanctuary space. If that’s what works for you.
And I stand by what I said then, and also: I have some additional thoughts, so let’s revisit.
Starting here
Here’s an excerpt from the piece I wrote in 2008:
“There are all sorts of well-meaning people who think it’s in your best interest to force you to do some fear-facing, when actually the thing you are needing most is comfort. They sincerely want to help. They think that if you can leave the place where you’re comfortable and try this new, scary thing, you’ll get over it already.
“The problem is that sometimes what you need in order to grow is more comfort. And this kind of work needs to happen where you feel safe; where you’re most comfortable.
“That’s why there’s a zone for it.”
A breath for this, and a few more points I’d like to make that I didn’t get to back in 2008…
1: We don’t exist in a vacuum
The work we do here around our patterns and habits (learning about them, lovingly interrupting them, rewriting them) doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it exists within culture. We all exist within culture.
And like I said before, our external culture really prioritizes and rewards things like stepping out of your comfort zone, facing your fears, or being able to make a big lifestyle change quickly.
Those are the stories that get positive attention. We exist inside of culture, and culture informs what we think has value.
External culture tells us how to think, and what to prioritize, and we “should” be able to accomplish.
It doesn’t make a lot of room for being someone who needs to dip one toe in the water and then think about the water for a while. What gets applause is jumping off the diving board.
(A quick aside)
Sometimes when I talk about this theme, I have noticed that some people respond with “well, you should just be able to be stronger than culture”, and that’s a nice thought and a beautiful wish, and I want it for all of us too.
And, reality is, culture is a powerful force, and it can be hard work to extricate ourselves from these concepts, especially when they are often hard to observe or discern because they are just part of the air we breathe.
That’s great if your perception is that you just don’t let culture influence you. I support that! This is for those of us who still find that work ongoing and challenging…
Okay, back to the main theme!
Here’s a secret, maybe
People love to tell you things like feel the fear and do it anyway, or beyond fear is freedom, but here’s a secret about those people. They have a fear-facing kink.
Or at least, they are getting something pleasurable and enjoyable out of the experience of pushing themselves past a limit, scaring themselves, or taking a big risk.
And good for them. We love this for them. They’re having fun!
It’s just not the best advice for the rest of us
It’s just not the most sound advice for those of us who don’t get a rush from exiting our comfort zones.
We need a different approach. It’s not that we don’t ever want to try something new or make a change, we just need that change to emerge differently.
We need our zone of comfort to gradually expand to encompass new territory, so that new things become comfortable, instead of being forced into the discomfort.
2: It’s good to know which camp you’re in
People Vary.
Or, as I sometimes like to say, there are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world, and those who don’t. 😉
But regardless of whether you view this comfort zone issue as a two kinds of people situation, or infinite kinds of people, either way, human variety is the constant.
There are people who exist, and I know many, who get genuine benefit from the experience of gathering up their courage, breaking free from their comfort zone, and doing something that scares them. I would never want to take that away from them. I’m glad they can have that experience. And…
And…
And, there are people who need extra sanctuary, extra time, extra spaciousness, extra steadiness, extra permission…
These are the people (raises hand: it’s me) who require lots of layering on of experiences of safety and comfort, before they are going to be able to try something new. That’s just how it is.
And when we do go ahead and try that [something new], we are going to do the extra work to make that new experience feel as safe and comfortable and approachable as possible.
This is a valid way of being in the world!
Even if external culture doesn’t make movies starring characters like us. We’re still here. And it’s a good and useful thing to know about yourself if that’s what you need to thrive.
3: No one gets to drag me kicking and screaming from my comfort zone, no matter how much they want to
Just because the broader culture thinks getting out of your comfort zone is the one right way to accomplish things doesn’t mean that I agree to be pushed into doing something I’m not ready for.
Maybe I’ll find a more creative way to get there. Workarounds exist!
It’s good practice to get to know your limits.
This helps us express boundaries in a clear and neutral way when we can; to say “hey, this isn’t working for me, I am going to need to find another way.”
I also find it very interesting that it hasn’t occurred to many people that there are in fact a variety of ways to initiate change that don’t involve forced discomfort or making yourself miserable. And yet, these ways exist. Let’s talk about some of them!
What does comfort zone expansion look like
A much more interesting habit-building practice to me is this…
Rather than trying to push myself out of my comfort zone (which is honestly an act of violence, if you’re someone who doesn’t get a pleasure hit from fear), I think about what further comfort I could add.
Instead of developing habits of pushing, I’m focused on developing habits of deep abiding self-compassion and self-acceptance in service of deliberate thriving.
And maybe that also feels beyond your comfort zone, that’s okay too.
Playing at the edge
What if we just gently, slowly and steadily expand our sense of what could conceivably be comfortable, and find out how, exploring what that might look like. Investigating with curiosity and patience.
Playing at the edge instead of forcing ourselves to dive in.
Is there an around? Is there growth and play and pleasure that can happen in the shallow end?
Adding on comfort, layering it on, creating safe experiences to thrive. And then, from there, we play.
We can slowly and gradually expand our sense of what might feel comfortable, in a slow, steady quiet calming way that feels safe.
Prioritizing sanctuary
I know for me, I will try new things once I am ready, and pushing myself does not encourage me to feel ready, just the opposite.
When I can channel the superpowers of Deep Compassion For My Needs / Self-Acceptance in service of Deliberate Thriving, I can also experience the joys of Annexing New Space Into The Comfort Zone.
Sometimes I have moments of being a High Sensation Seeking adventurer who enjoys very specific types of risk-taking, but I get there by making room for the fact that I am mainly someone who needs to hide and rest a lot.
What might this look like
Sometimes I need to learn a lot about something before I try it, or sometimes I need to do something else entirely for a while.
Sometimes I need body-doubling and companionship, sometimes I play with proxies, sometimes I journal with the version of me who is less scared.
In all these cases, my priority is taking care of myself and my needs, not forcing myself to jump out of a plane or to become someone who can jump out of a plane.
(Or whatever feels like that level of scary right now, maybe it’s something seemingly small, that’s okay too!)
Where do we go from here?
I would love to exist in a culture that made room for all of us, for the people who get a high from doing something uncomfortable, and for the people who need to make an experience more comfortable before they can give it a try.
Obviously we have some bigger issues going on in our world at the moment, and still, it remains a beautiful wish, and I am wishing it.
Ultimately it is a wish to exist in a world (and build a world) that is inclusive, loving, and welcoming. A world that values a spectrum of ways of being.
In the meantime…
In the meantime, let’s keep playing with self-knowledge: testing hypotheses, and running experiments.
For example, if it seems like I need quality Y to thrive, how can we add more Y to this situation?
Let’s also keep playing with radical, wild self-treasuring:
What if it’s okay if my needs are my needs? Maybe I don’t fit the mold of what this culture values; I am going to find my own way anyway.
Or maybe let’s start even smaller
Maybe some of these themes feel too big or overwhelming or unwieldy. We can start small.
A breath for re-orienting our focus, moving from what external culture values to what we value in our internal culture or in the culture we wish to glow in community.
If you know that getting yourself to move out of your comfort zone can bring a thrill, then play with that.
And if you know that trying to push yourself out of your comfort zone is miserable, spend some time really getting to know and treasure your comfort zone, learning what supports comfort for you.
Maybe focus on embellishing and enhancing comfort, see what happens, see what you learn…
Both/and (or sometimes this and sometimes that)
You might find that you sometimes like one and sometimes like the other, that’s a great thing to know about yourself too. We have options! Different situations call for different approaches.
If radical self-acceptance feels too big and too scary, we can back-burner that for now.
What about just five percent more accepting and accommodating of our needs? Can we start there? Let’s find out!
A breath for how brave it is to consider these questions…
Stepping outside of culture is not easy. Contemplating our needs and what supports us and helps us thrive, and giving validation to any of that can also be really challenging especially when we aren’t used to it.
We can give this time.
A breath of spaciousness. A breath of making room for whatever we are experiencing. We are already practicing more kindness towards ourselves just by considering that we have options here.
There is no reason to force yourself to leave your comfort zone if you’re feeling comfortable and good there right now. Unless it’s fun and exciting for you when you do, in which case, enjoy the heightened sensation, enjoy the zone of fun unknowns.
Wanna do some comfort zone redecorating?
In the meantime, anyone interested in doing a little comfort zone redecorating is invited to play in the comments with me or do some journaling on that on your own if you’d like. Let’s get cozy!
What about an enhanced comfort zone? What does extra comfort look like or feel like, and what if that itself is a subversive practice? (I think it is!)
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
ROI
Reflecting on the wildness in the sky before the rain, like a piece of moving art
A breath for these tough times
Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.
Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques
I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.
Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.
I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️
Some ROI-related stories, but not the kind you’d think
Telling and retelling
I have told you about this before. In fact, in the past somehow twenty years of writing for this website, I am sure I have told this story several times.
My dad says that a good story is like a good song, always worth repeating, new every time.
I tend to disagree with him on this point, cursed by the gods as I am with too good of a memory. In other words, I often don’t want to hear the same stories that I have known word for word for as long as I can remember.
Or at least I didn’t want that when he could still remember them. Now I crave anything familiar.
An accounting and a recounting
But we are getting off topic. The story I have shared here with you that I want to revisit and retell is this:
My favorite uncle likes to say that, traditionally, the ROI on worry tends to be very low.
A low return on investment. The lowest. Worry doesn’t yield good dividends.
Right?
He’s not wrong.
And yet…
And yet
This is true, or it feels true. There is little return on investment on worry. Certainly not in a good way. No reason to keep doing it.
And yet. When I am experiencing debilitating anxiety, this wisdom doesn’t help.
Or at least, it doesn’t matter to me because worry is one experience, and having my body-mind flooded by overwhelming terror is another.
Worry state vs an actual anxiety episode
When I am in a worry state, it is or can a good and useful reminder to me to pause and breathe. What’s the ROI on this worry? Oh right, it’s zero.
Yes, good point. Typically the ROI on worry is very low, let’s cut that shit out and stop worrying. Yes, right, I forgot. What a useful reminder.
On the other hand, when I am inside of the experience of what I can’t even really describe, but it does feel like a flood, a hormonal flood? A flood of terror washing over me?
Reporting to you from within the flood zone!
All I can say for sure is that within that flood state of the anxiety episode, everything is or feels overwhelming, impossible, too big to meet, too scary to even contemplate…
From within that space, it doesn’t matter at all whether or not it’s true there’s no return on investment in this emotional chaos state, because ROI is irrelevant. I am focused on surviving, just trying to find any ground to stand on.
All I want in that moment is the promise of land ho, even a glimpse of potential terra firma in the not-so-distant distance.
A prayer for landing, a prayer for shelter
Yes, that is all I have in those moments.
Please just let us find land, any shelter from this storm…
Or maybe the prayer is about seeing or recognizing or remembering how the storm is not real? Or remembering that it is temporary and of the moment, that it too will pass.
It’s hard to say.
All I know is that in those moments, I crave stability and sanctuary. But mainly: I don’t want to keep doing what I’m doing.
I don’t want to have to keep being this resilient, this brave. I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to surrender; I want to be somewhere that is not weathering these ongoing waves of panic.
ROI, renamed, revisited
And so I decided, in one of those moments of seeking the ground and not finding it, to temporarily rename ROI so that I can be the thing I need it to be:
Reduce Overwhelm Instantaeously. Or: Reduce Overwhelm Incrementally.
Whichever is more accessible to me in that moment.
Often that means reducing what is overwhelming in my immediate space because I tend to get visually overwhelmed before everything else.
But often it’s about making a very brief list and then doing seven minute bursts of activity in service of reducing overwhelm. Making room in the chaos, grounding and regrounding.
A list of ROI
What would be the smallest and most readily available steps to reducing overwhelm right now in this moment?
What would support this? Who can help?
The other day, my friend spent three hours with me on the phone while I broke down boxes, washed dishes, cleaned countertops, and then chopped twelve onions and slowly caramelized them.
Who knew that what I needed most was to have a big jar of caramelized onions instead of a big pile of onions on the counter? Well, the version of me who was able to come up with the list did, and they were right.
Transformations into transformations
It’s kind of an apples into applesauce into cake thing, an alchemy, a transformation in space.
The bowl of onions was maybe more of a symbol of what is stressing me out more than what is actually stressing me out, but the process of caramelizing them was meditative, and the extra counter space helped me focus.
And then over the course of the week, the caramelized onions volunteered themselves and became an onion soup, and then the soup became a green chile stew, transformations into transformations. Process.
What else do I know about this?
People vary, of course, and you will have your own sense of what is right-sized and what is overwhelming.
For me, eight emails is a doable amount of emails to look at in my inbox. More than that, and I don’t even want to open the inbox.
Which is a problem, because then I just won’t for two weeks, and then there are considerably more than eight items in there.
It’s good to learn these things about yourself and then develop protocols around them, figure out what helps. Try things. Run a grand experiment. Check in, try again. Or try something new!
Talk to me, ROI expert self
I am ready to get some advice from the part of me who is already an expert in ROI.
And maybe this self is an expert on Reducing Overwhelm either instantaneously or incrementally or both, or maybe they are an expert on the more traditional ROI, return on investment.
Or maybe they are an expert in my uncle’s wisdom of simply not worrying because it yields low returns. I don’t know, and maybe I don’t need to. I am just asking for wise counsel.
What does this self want me to know? What do they wish I knew?
ROI expert self has some thoughts….
I set a timer for ten minutes and listened.
ROI expert self: It is not news to you that you are a sensitive flower, though sometimes you try to forget this or power past this. Reality is that you are easily overwhelmed by what is in your line of sight, and you are calmed by open space, a clear line of sight.
Reducing overwhelm means letting yourself prioritize this, it means tending to your actual needs at hand. It might sometimes mean that more things need homes, or at other times it might mean reducing what you have.
You need everything to be fun, or you won’t do it, and that’s why we RENAME everything and try to channel a good degree of lighthearted play.
What else?
Me: Okay, this all feels accurate, and also not new, though I’m sure I need the reminders. What else?
ROI expert self: Writing hour is good for you, regardless of whether you perceive it as yielding returns. Same goes for walking in the pasture. Do these things that help you feel grounded and supported. Do them not for the returns, but for the steadiness of doing them.
Keep things moving. Let go of what is done. Or give things as gifts. You don’t need to hold on to every clue. Trust that the next one will arrive in good timing. Keep clearing space. Gleam some surfaces.
What’s next?
Me: I get so overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.
ROI expert self: It does not matter where you start. The starting shifts the energy. You have a good intuitive feel for what is needed. You know how you would clear space for a guest. Start there.
Light a candle. Have a brief dance party. 7 minute timer. Shift the energy in tiny bursts. Trust in the fractal powers of small shifts.
Rename everything on the list so that it’s less stressful, and break it down into what Barbara Sher called Complete Willingness Units, what is the smallest simplest step you’d be okay with trying?
Sometimes you tell yourself you don’t know where to start, and yet I think you do know. You have a feeling or an urge. Dance it out for a song or get on the floor and stretch for a song. Ask yourself again.
Or, flip a coin between two options, and then see how you feel about what you landed on. There’s always an internal clue to listen for. But also it really doesn’t matter. Timer on. See what you can shift. Give yourself credit for being brave.
Where I’m starting…
Clearing space. Cleaning surfaces. Trying to stay intentional and grounded. Reminding myself that both [immediate] and [incrementally] are valid options.
Noticing any guilt/shame patterns as they pop up, or if I get WAYLAID, and applying as much compassion as I can muster. It is easy to get overwhelmed. It’s okay that this is how my brain works even if I don’t like it, that’s the reality I’m working with, so how can I approach with kindness…
That’s the real work, isn’t it…
That’s the real work isn’t it. How can we approach with kindness. And reality is, sometimes we can’t, either because we forget, or it isn’t available to us in that moment. Okay, we can take a breath, begin again, and remember together.
If kindness isn’t feeling like something we can access, what else can we channel? How would we respond to a friend who was overwhelmed? With understanding and a hug? I think that counts as kindness.
Let’s start there if we can, or brainstorm a new starting point as needed. We can figure this out, one fractal step at a time.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.
Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.
And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…
I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.
Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…
Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!
If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.
This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.
I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!
Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!
I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.
A request!
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️