What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
WWNCD
Happy Wednesday!
Last Wednesday we talked about studying The Blade, before that we covered A Good Obsession.
Today is about my deep abiding love for fictional con artist Neal Caffrey, and how I turned this into my favorite journaling prompt. It is also, as usual, about habits, patterns, goals, practice, feeling feelings and wishing wishes. Let’s investigate!
WWNCD
What Would Neal Caffrey Do?
I wrote in a recent essay, A Good Obsession, about my heart-felt, almost aching affinity for the character Neal Caffrey on the show White Collar, how his birthday is two weeks after mine exactly. We were born in March 1977, the same month the Fleetwood Mac album Dreams came out. We are both dreamy people.
Dreamy and intense, which is fitting.
Dreamy dreamy people
Yes, we are both dreamy, creative, joy-loving and pleasure-seeking missiles, and also people who can sometimes get into tight spots. Neal can get out of them, so let’s channel some of that, please.
Obviously we are also different…
(Neal is a professional con artist who loves luxury and, through a combination of luck and flattery, scored a Manhattan penthouse for a symbolic amount of rent, while I am whatever the opposite of a con artist is, who lives in under 200sq ft in rural New Mexico without hot water, heat or air conditioning, we are not the same.)
And yet, I feel this kinship with him, drawn towards what he symbolizes for me, and I also admire the way he extricates himself from tough situation. Mainly I admire his fearless trust in his own luck and skill…
The question / A question
A question I ask whenever I am feeling stuck, stymied, frustrated, or any form of not-at-ease, something is off:
What Would Neal Caffrey Do?
I have asked this so many times that I have developed a sort of WWNCD self who is not Neal Caffrey the character, but more a version of me who embodies his qualities and attributes. Or maybe, a version of me who can make better guesses in answer to the question What Would Neal Caffrey Do.
Or maybe just the most Neal-Caffrey-esque version of me who can exist alongside me. Maybe I am becoming Neal Caffrey, sometimes and in some ways, through the process of asking this question every day.
Today I am sharing some excerpts from my journal, where I either ask this question (What Would Neal Caffrey Do), or request advice and loving counsel from the version of me who can channel these Neal Caffrey powers.
They are all on different topics, but honestly, all these topics are also interrelated.
How awkward is it, Havi? Medium amounts of awkward!
Is it a little awkward and vulnerable to share this? Yes!
But I’m doing it in the interest of modeling my process, and maybe it will inspire you to do some playful journaling as well with an aspect of yourself, or with a character you care about deeply.
It’s like fanfic therapy, or something, I don’t know what to call it. Ideas and suggestions are welcome.
Let’s play!
Processing related to mysteries of love and sorrow
Me: Feeling so many big feelings and am deep in my stickiest stuck stuff, and it sucks. It sucks to think that I will never be able to love or trust again. (Is that a monster story, aka an unhelpful self-critical sneaky internal narrative? Maybe! Probably! It feels super true in the moment!)
Ruminating on past and current experiences, it really just keeps coming down to the same thing; loving people who are just not dependable in the every day.
Meirav, my therapist from 1996, would say that this is a form of re-creating the dynamic that is most familiar to me from childhood, and sure, I’m not arguing that point.
Mainly my big sadness feelings can be summed up like this: I would actually love to have closeness, intimacy, pleasure, joy, real connection again, but at this point how do I know that there will be a non-vanisher, there have been too many Mysterious Disappearers!
What is the opposite of a vanishing act, what is something steady? And how do I maintain steadiness and faith and connection to myself in the face of these repeated Mysterious Disappearances?
WWNCD: It sounds like you’re looking for the quality of EQUANIMITY. You crave Equanimity.
Drawn to equanimity vs in too much pain to consider it
Me: Yes, where is the equanimity, and how do I even channel that.
Also, let’s be honest, these last vanishing and re-vanishings do not hurt even slightly as much as the big awful one, like not even in the same realm, they are almost unrelated.
And is that numbness or is that getting used to it, or is it simply having zero expectations at this point, or is it understanding at a deep fundamental level that they are not good for me, not a good fit? Which they are not!
Seriously, they have zero self-fluency skills, they think their emotions are knowledge if they can even get that far, and they don’t communicate what’s going on for them.
What I want is fulfilling connection and building trust, and a generosity of spirit, someone who is willing to talk things out with me right away, to bring things up, to resolve whatever is going on with me, in collaboration and companionship, even if they still need to disappear, I want to be included in the process.
Equanimity is related to trusting trust
WWNCD: It’s interesting that you won’t let yourself feel the hurt. The hurt is obviously there, what X did was super shitty, what all of them did was at best cruel and disrespectful.
They chose retreating into their own fear over being clear, open, honest, loving and committed with you, they absolutely conned you, and you have the right to be really fucking angry about it, or any other feeling you’re feeling.
Trust needs to be earned, and no one has earned yours, and that itself is okay, at least in the sense of it is what it is right now.
It doesn’t mean you don’t have lost the capacity to trust forever, you actually have a tremendous capacity to trust, it just means that no one has earned it yet and honestly they haven’t even tried.
Yes, let’s talk about Powered By Equanimity
Me: I don’t know what to think about this situation, I mean, I just have no use for being sad or mad, and I am so bored of being scared, so yes please, Equaniity Powers. Powered by Equanimity!
On the one hand, Equanimity confuses me. I keep thinking, “Okay but how do I get there?”
On the other hand, I feel so much closer than I have ever been to this, because I am so hurt that I am somehow also eerily calm right now.
But also all the current options for what to do next are so miserable, and that is a direct result of [betrayal], and I do not feel Equanimity about that yet.
Equanimity as the ultimate power move
WWNCD: Equanimity is such a power move. A seriously baller move.
Hell yeah, don’t respond, just strategize!
That’s how we do it.
Not reacting is the power play of all time. Just decide in your head how you are going to maneuver this into a win, but don’t show your hand, don’t show them anything.
Talk to me about Not-Panicking
Me: I know what doesn’t work (getting overwhelmed, panicking, meltdown, tears, avoidance), and I know what does work or at least what helps, aka consciously choosing towards It Solves Itself, and Into The Pot or into the cauldron.
In other words: Do something else, something intentional, and let the situation percolate.
Breathe. Move or be still. Either one is good.
Move or be still
Move (yoga, dance, pace, stretch, roll, hum, yawn, any stim in a storm).
And be still (sit and meditate, light a candle, ask your friends to light candles), and of course, talk to your wise incoming selves, skip stones or otherwise journal on it, feel it out.
And even though yes, I am infinitely better than previously at turning away from what doesn’t work and towards what does work, I still get tripped up.
Honestly, I get super overwhelmed and also, it’s very hard to talk to X who only wants me to be in a good mood, which is not something I can conjure up when everything is so tenuous.
Practice makes familiar
WWNCD: I think this is a good setup, those two starting points are huge. Turning away from the panic and towards doing what helps. Lighting a candle for It Solves Itself, and then straight into We Do Grounding Things.
We are only looking at narrowing the gap of the meltdown so that we can go straight to what helps (which you’re already doing, just doing it more often, and having it be speedy and immediate).
Good job, you are PRACTICING, and part of practice is fucking up and starting over, you’re doing great, you have the right approach and the right idea, no big mysteries, just space and time and sleep on it.
Sleeping on it is a great way to let a situation percolate while you heal up. I believe in this and I believe in the healing process.
(I know you hate “trust the process”, but I’m doing it for you!)
How do I believe more deeply in It Solves Itself?
Me: How do I believe more deeply in It Solves Itself?
WWNCD: You keep noticing it and naming it. Like with the Luck Journal practice, right? That’s a practice of steady noticing.
That’s very smart, and of course you keep giving yourself credit for what’s working, and you get more sleep, and you make a list, and we get things off the list, and we do what we can.
One fractal step at a time. Let’s keep the faith. It will either solve itself or it won’t, but fretting over it isn’t the answer. We are making new answers.
Stay playful?
Me: I guess I am at a loss for what to think or know or do, other than that the answer is hang on, trust, keep doing my best, keep writing every day, keep journaling on next steps, stay playful?
And of course, Reduce & Destroy: pare down, simplify, invite in simple elegant solutions.
I am glad that I have these clear indicated steps and also it feels like really not enough..
Hmmm, I feel really …. not sure what this feeling is, bleak, and it’s not the usual hopelessness monsters, it’s something else plus that.
Focus on the mission at hand
WWNCD: We’ve been in worse/ harder / weirder situations and made it through unscathed.
This isn’t even a climb on top of a moving tram high in the air above the water to save a painting situation (White Collar reference!), it’s not the emergency you think it is, even if you are experiencing it as an emergency. So let’s not let this take on a big fear valence.
Instead let’s do something else. Let’s stay steady and focus on the mission at hand.
Yes to Operation Reduce & Destroy, we are working towards a better way and we will find a way.
And maybe this is also related to your wish about being cherished and not-disappeared-on, so sure, there are a lot of moments of No in order to get to the new Yeses, that’s how it goes.
Proxy time
Me: Okay, this is a proxy situation (investigating something entirely unrelated as a way to secretly to work through whatever is stuck), are you ready?
What do we know about Pine Syrup, like making syrup from pinecones or pine needles?
I love the idea of pine syrup in everything, and also not buying it but just having it. So fun, especially for unique desserts but also in beverages or in sparkling water or with a shrub.
Also I love the idea of a foraging basket and quart jars, I love that you don’t have to can it to preserve, and really could just make a big batch.
Oh, and love the idea of really getting to know the trees here…
What are you talking about?
WWNCD: Yes, yes, pine syrup! Yes, it’s like making wine.
Me: Gotta say, I’m confused. Like, I know you know enough about making wine to know that it is not like making wine, it’s not even slightly like making wine, what are you talking about?
WWNCD: It’s a transformative process that uses time and sweetness to let something become tantalizingly delicious. No forcing, just allowing. Making space for the transformation.
And of course, you worked in a vineyard once upon a time, so you already know about gathering things at the right time, and you know about waiting patiently too.
Me: It’s true, I do know that.
Reduce & Destroy
Me: Let’s talk more about Reduce & Destroy, my plan to pare everything down even more, go tinier, go more devotional.
WWNCD: I like how you think, this is very smart, a small life that is large.
I’ll also say that even though I didn’t appreciate it at the time, this is exactly was what my short leash in NYC gave me; a refined contained life of wine, friends, striking views and ritualized pleasure.
So much happened there at the table or on the balcony, a contained life can contain more than you would expect, and it was rent-free, which is what you’re working towards too…
Rent-free, great views, steady work at something you are good at, while dreaming up something bigger and better that will allow you to do creative work, live simply, have what you need. It’s fair to say you’re not con artist material, but you are very much a creative, playful dreamer.
Parameters
WWNCD: Operation Reduce & Destroy is about the parameters.
It’s about consciously creating the parameters of a Simple Luscious Life.
It’s wouldst thou love to live deliciously on a very low budget, this is for you. I love this for you. This can happen.
You are a luscious minimalist, a lone desert fox. Do you know that your dreams and wishes are extremely reasonable? They are.
What if where you want to be is where you are?
WWNCD: I want to point out that for all your wild unconventional leanings, you really create and crave the domestic, in the specific sense that you love interior design and making meals. You love a picnic with a view.
Having a small arbor of trees will suit your spirit, you are beloved by the wilds, you are at home here.
Also you don’t need cities the way that I need Paris or Milan, this is useful here, you aren’t in prison, you aren’t in a trap, you’re where you want to be. And with many of the practices and rituals you want in place
You’re just looking to both simplify and expand, to have camping space for friends to visit and a cozy writing bungalow for retreat guests to come for glorious stays, it’s a beautiful dream, let’s make it happen.
Talk to me about Paring Down even more
Me: I have already pared down so much, how will it even go to pare down more?
WWNCD: You’d be surprised. You are not hungry, for anything, and that’s your power. It will come to you. There will be enough of what you need, but, more importantly, you have the ingredients in place to get through this. You can be astonished by how little you need, but also I like the idea of you asking for support.
Talk to me about [a wish I have]
WWNCD: People call me a Confidence Man, but think of it more as “confidence, man.”
You make your own luck. Be dapper. Wear the hat. Do things that make you feel wildly sexy, and then be that, embody it, own it, dance it, stretch it, undulate it, and have it be second nature again.
If you build it, they will come. And if they don’t, then they don’t deserve you. Wherever you are is where the big magic is regardless.
Occupy yourself with the mission
Me: I really do want to know what Neal’s next move would be.
WWNCD: The Neal Caffrey move is supreme confidence: yes to the right hat, yes to morning rituals, to a clean, high-magic, unique living space, yes to a good cocktail.
Neal loves to flirt but he is not distraught when it doesn’t work; he always knows that more and better is coming.
He occupies himself with the next heist and his pursuit of freedom, and that is what you need to be doing too.
Stay focused on the mission.
The good flirting will come, sure, but more importantly, the good everything will come.
You have your work cut out for you: Reduce & Destroy. Pare down. Train steadily. Wish your wishes. Breathe through it. Take the next indicated steps, one at a time, keep checking in.
What else do I need to know / what comes next?
WWNCD: You are doing everything right, Havi Bell Brooks who is a bell.
You train hard, you have steady practices that ground you. You live by ritual and repetition. You turn inward. You reflect and then reflect some more.
Stay on the path, keep talking to me and to your wise selves, keep asking questions with love and curiosity, keep staying attuned to how you feel, trust in the next indicated step.
Is there anything else?
WWNCD: Put on your favorite hat and do something that brings you joy.
What are your questions, explorations, wish-obsessions?
Come play in the comments, I love company!
You are welcome to brainstorm your own questions to ask of your WWNCD self or any other character in pop culture, literature, film, etc. You can wish any wishes, seed any seeds, play with any of these concepts in any way you like.
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add anything you’d like to into the pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials! Coming soon…
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email this summer…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
The blade
Happy Wednesday!
Last Wednesday we talked about A Good Obsession, before that we covered Screening My Wishes.
Today is about studying the blade, among other things.
Among other things. Including wishes. Let’s investigate.
The blade
How did we get here?
A poet with amnesia
A lovely thing about ADHD combined with memory loss from traumatic brain injury and Long Covid Goldfish Brain, is that I am regularly delighted by notes to myself that clearly I have written, and cannot even make a guess about what they mean.
Yet again: What did the poet intend? Who can say.
I am the poet and I forget that I am the poet. There has to be some poetry in that.
This is not new
This is not new, I once made an imaginary art gallery devoted to found notes written by me and forgotten, called The Brautigan Wing.
It is more that both the frequency with which I am baffled and the amount of bafflement (AoB) have gone up significantly since my concussion two years ago.
In February, I jotted down a quote from Ryan Broderick, he must have said this on an episode of the beloved, lost but not forgotten podcast, The Content Mines.
“Arm yourself with a hobby or two.”
Arm yourself
Arm yourself! With a hobby (or two).
I love this so much. Hobbies or passion projects or side quests or rabbit holes or special interest hyperfocus deep dives. I love it all!
God, I love a good obsession. It doesn’t even have to be mine.
Even more so, I love his phrasing which never would have occurred to me. Arm yourself with a hobby or two.
Exploring the resonance of this…
This phrasing really struck me, and I’m not sure why, maybe because hobbies or enthusiastic passion projects always feel very heart-and-mind to me, so I have never imagined them in the physical realm, like something I could wield.
A special interest as armor, or as weaponry.
It’s not just that I adore a Good Obsession, it’s not just that having a Good Obsession feeds me at a deep level.
I am arming myself with a good obsession. Or two. And doing this enhances my powers. More powerful, more protected. Take up arms. In the form of a hobby. Or two!
A good obsession as a form of self-defense. From the world? From forgetting who I am?
A good obsession or two
A good obsession or two…
Or two! Or more!
Plentiful opportunities to obsess.
Take / Up / Arms
Here is the rest of my note:
Take up arms!
Do this to prevent boredom, stave off the descent into madness, can you be radicalized by that combination of goals?
See also: Obsesssssss, it’s fun!
See also
See also:
Obsesssssss, it’s fun!
Truly nothing brings me greater joy.
Whether it’s making a new kind of horchata (proxy! not a proxy! also a proxy!), falling in love with a particular shade of yellow, devoting myself to making strawberry ginger shrub, inventing new holidays, immersing in a character or aspect of myself.
I love when my brain has something to play with…
While you were [doing X], I studied the blade
This is a meme format, in case you’re not terminally online:
“While you were partying, I studied the blade.”
While you were [doing literally anything], I studied the blade.
For me, I always think of it as: “I was devoting myself to the blade.” Strong Inigo Montoya energy.
Or even my forever crush, Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone in The Quick & The Dead, who has devoted her life to being a sharpshooter, both to avenge the death of her father and to make right something she perceives as a failing on her part.
Yes, that is interesting. What am I trying to make right? What am I training for?
What is devoting myself to the blade about?
And: is this the same question as “What is arming myself with a habit or two about?”
I think it is, though I don’t know if I can explain why.
Why do I study the blade, for whom is the devotion…
What is this all about, to me, in this moment?
What is this all about, to me, in this moment?
This investigation is about:
- slow process
- immersion
- vengeance
- the glorious thing that is a slow-motion training montage
- cumulative knowledge and skill
- studying one thing, while letting all the other wishes percolate (fractal training!)
Mmmm, and also something about my deep love for a Before & After…
What is it about a Before & After…
Obviously this brings us back to my love of a slow motion montage, as discussed last week and possibly every week.
Specifically I live for stories about people who go on ADHD meds and start getting things done! I can’t do this myself due to [reasons, circumstances], but I deeply crave it, and imagine it.
Yes, I dream of a someday something like this for me!
A breath for this beautiful wish. May it be so, or something even better.
What does this remind me of?
The language learning process. Cooking Club, a practice I made up that I want to write about here sometime too. Writing itself, of course. And dance. And yoga or Feldenkrais or Gokhale training.
Any practice where over time some pieces or elements become easier or even automatic. You can track your progress.
And practice helps, even when you think it doesn’t.
Practice helps, even when you think it doesn’t
A playful approach helps too. Curiosity helps. Add compassion and stir.
Sometimes your brain simply refuses to perceive progress. It seems like no ground has been gained.
Then you turn around and suddenly a thing that was impossible is now accessible, maybe even joyful…
Knife moments / before I studied the blade
I keep thinking about knife moments, and this is probably the wrong phrase, apologies if it comes across as violent or triggering.
What I mean is, times in my life when I needed a way out of a situation and found myself unable to extricate myself, for reasons that were what they were.
When I look back on these times, I want to rescue myself, I want to cut myself out of a net.
Of course. That’s what the blade is for.
That’s what the blade is for.
The blade is a knife of self-rescue.
More about retroactive self-rescue here, if that’s a topic that interests you.
(Flashback)
Several years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who was sometimes so very sweet to me, so tender with me, and sometimes treated me like absolute garbage, and I was just unable and unwilling to see it or perceive it for what it was.
I kept convincing myself I had to be misunderstanding what was happening, I could always find what seemed like the most reasonable reasons to justify their behavior (they’re stressed, they work so hard, they didn’t mean it!).
Devoted to the endless Maybes? Yes, that’s it exactly. Devoted to the endless Maybes…
Devoted to the endless Maybes
Maybe the tiny crumbs of sweetness and affection were just so sweet, who could blame me for coming back in case there were more.
Maybe I needed the non-sweet moments to be explained away by Extenuating Circumstances, and so they were.
Or maybe I thought that if I could just be patient enough, something would shift and they’d magically go back to being the warm, loving person who used to wildly adore me, like in the beginning, before [mystery reason for everything changing]. Maybe they would stop being a workaholic! Spoiler alert: THEY NEVER DO.
Or who knows, maybe I had already lost so much self-respect that I couldn’t find my way back.
Let’s call it some combination of all of the above.
A moment on the trail
We were hiking. In the beginning of our relationship, hiking was such a great joy. He’d take me to his favorite places, we’d hold hands if there was room on the trail, take breaks to just breathe in the vista and be in awe of the beauty, in love with being in love.
Later, when things changed, he had no use for going slow and being sweet. He just wanted to go as fast as possible, not caring that I couldn’t keep up, continually leaving me behind.
He had no use for me on these hikes, which is a weird phrase (no use, no use for a person, why do I need to be of use??? am I not enough even when I am of no use?), but I’m keeping it.
And I do not know why he kept inviting me, since it was just two people hiking alone.
Out of sight out of mind
He didn’t care when I had ankle pain or knee pain. Once I slipped and fell, and tore myself up on the rocks. He was so far ahead that he couldn’t see or hear me cry out in pain.
When I finally caught up with him, he wanted to know what took so long and I told him I was covered in bruises from falling.
He said that I should have walked on a different part of the path that was safer, and I wanted to say that if he’d been there, he could have pointed out the correct path, but I didn’t say anything. He disappeared out of sight.
Out of sight
Sometimes I read stories like this, I think Reddit is generally where people share these, and I think, “Run away! This is abuse!”
I wonder why I couldn’t have ever said that to myself, or even known this was an option.
Release points
He sped ahead until I was out of sight, and waited for me impatiently at the trailhead. On the drive home, I wondered if I would be brave enough to pack up my things and drive away and not look back.
But I knew I would not be, and I was not.
These are all points of self-rescue, where I need a powerful, possibly magical blade to cut the various webs and set this past version of me free.
No judgment for being caught up in the web, it happens to the best of us, just using the blade to cleanly cut an escape path.
Use the blade
That’s what the blade is for. Yes.
While you were being an asshole, I was studying the blade, and I am using it to get free.
Let’s cut the web, let’s set Havi free to live a better life.
Let’s cut the web
Cutting the web of being conned by a narcissist. Who among us hasn’t been there. Slash. It’s done.
Cutting the web of the pattern of Maybe They Don’t Mean It, Maybe It Will Get Better. Slicing through.
Cutting the web of hooked on small symbolic doses of warmth and affection. Just enough sustenance to keep seeking more.
Cutting the web of lies upon lies upon lies. Freedom, babe, let’s get you out of here.
Devotion to freedom. Self-liberation and also doing it for the collective.
This is what we were studying the blade for, actually
This is what we were studying the blade for.
While you were in a hurry, I was studying the blade. While you were lying to me, I was studying the blade. While you were wasting my time, I was studying the blade.
It was a slow process.
Now I am armed and dangerous, armed with self-respect, with passion, with a good hobby or two, with a desire to care for myself and tend to myself, to want better, allow myself to want better. Slash. It’s done.
Retroactive self-liberation, retroactive liberation for the collective, something worth obsessing over.
What happens when I arm myself with a hobby or two
What happens to me / for me / in my life?
Let’s find out. Obviously the best way to find out is probably through doing, through starting, or at least choosing a hobby with which to arm myself.
However right now I am not quite ready for the doing. I am preparing for doing, doing the entry, the pre-.
Who can I consult who is already a few steps ahead on this?
Let’s bring this question to another self, an incoming self or another version of me.
Who is the self who is just taking up the blade?
Who is the self who has studied the blade?
Who is the self who returned from Nanda Parbat (in the Arrowverse) having studied the blade?
Who is my most Inigo Montoya self?
Who is my most Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone self?
Who is the self who is taking up the blade
This self is Brave & Stalwart, trying something new is already so courageous.
This self is devoted to freedom and pleasure, and doesn’t get discouraged by making mistakes.
What wisdom does this self have? What can they tell me?
The version of me who is taking up the blade says: Begin, and begin again. If it’s not working, try a new tactic. Ritual and repetition and trying again. All training is useful. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are a glowing gem.
All training is useful. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are a glowing gem.
Who is the self who has studied the blade
This self is Tough & Self-Composed, agile, ready, grounded, stable, isn’t looking for a fight but doesn’t mind if one shows up.
This self loves patience and plays the long game.
This self does not hold grudges, because they find that boring, but they learn from past experience and say YOU DESERVE BETTER, BABE. And then we act on it, no hesitation, no looking back.
What can they tell me?
The version of me who has studied the blade says: I am with you, I have your back, you are my treasure, I am your sworn defender, I will be loyal and loving with you, you have spent too much time with these unworthy clowns of the world, and I want better for you. I insist on it. Let’s walk our own path at our own pace.
The Nanda Parbat self?
Who is the self who returned from Nanda Parbat having studied the blade, having spent years devoted to studying the blade?
This self is steady, grounded, confident, relaxed, clear, at ease. This version of me has trained not only in the blade but in being quiet, content, steady in habits, devoted to devotion. This self craves horizon, bring on the open road, the open skies.
My Nanda Parbat self says: You needed me to defend you because you didn’t know how to stand up for yourself, but by becoming me you will no longer need me. You also won’t need to defend yourself from those situations because you won’t get into them. You will expect to be treated with the same High Regard to give to yourself unquestioningly.
Who is my most Inigo Montoya self?
This self has a twinkle in the eye, sure they’re dedicated to vengeance, but also they have a sense of humor about it.
Their scars have become home, in a good way, in an intimate way. A way of seeing yourself with glorious equanimity, and treasuring who you have become.
My Inigo Montoya self says: I know my name, I know who I am, I know where I come from, I know what my mission is, and I am ready.
Who is my most Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone self?
I love this question most of all! I love Sharon Stone in cowboy drag more than anything.
This self is quiet, self-contained, very poised and composed, has a plan, and a backup plan, but can also improvise. This self has a wry sense of humor. This self is brave and determined because that’s the only option.
This self is the daddy, to answer the question in every episode of You Are Good (Who’s The Daddy!). It’s Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone, of course.
My most Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone Self: Hang back and notice. Do more reconnaissance. Find out what you’re getting yourself into, and have three ways to get yourself out. Come back to yourself again and again, knowing that no one is going to treat you like that again.
Let’s brainstorm some possible fun summer obsessions
What are some fun hobbies I can arm myself with, as a way of Studying The Blade? Other than making shrub, which I am already doing, and obsessing over the color yellow…
- Do I want to learn how to make hydrosol to spritz and stay cool in the summer heat?
- Do I want to invent a luscious summer dessert?
- Do I want to obsess over waking up early and kitchen jogging before the heat?
- Do I want to treat everything like studying the blade?
I am placing these into the pot, asking the cauldron of wants and wishes to reveal my yeses, my next indicated steps…
Arming myself with a hobby, arming myself with a better habit
I mixed up [hobby] and [habit] and accidentally asked what happens when I arm myself with a habit or two, which is so fascinating because I am as obsessed with habits as I am with a good obsession.
And what is a habit if not a series of patterns and elements, any of which can be changed or rearranged?
A habit is the opposite of a web. A habit is something that does not need slicing, it only needs rewriting and reconfiguring.
What if the work of allowing my habits and patterns to reconfigure and be rewritten is an element of arming myself with a hobby, maybe this is the ur-hobby of my mind.
What is needed? What comes next?
I am going to let these thoughts, wishes, and dreamy sparks do their thing.
We have noticed and named, we have lovingly investigated, and now I’m giving it to the wishing pool, giving it to the mountains and the horizon, giving it to the fire and the cauldron, giving it up to whatever happens next.
The wish has been wished, the stone has been skipped, the questions have been asked, and it’s all beautiful to me.
Maybe I don’t know yet what I am arming myself with, and maybe I am still unsure if it’s the right question or the right imagery, but I love an internal exploration. An exploration like this is like a hike where I can never be left behind, I can’t fall and hurt myself, I am ensconced in self-tending.
And I have a handy knife to cut myself loose from any past experience. While you were reading this, I was studying the blade. Maybe you were too. I love that for us.
What are your wish-obsessions? Come play with me, I love company
When you are studying the blade, what kind of [the blade] are you studying?
How do you want to devote yourself to your version of the blade?
You are welcome to brainstorm wishes, obsessions, seed any seeds, play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials!
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials for the month of July about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email by the end of the month…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
A good obsession
Happy Wednesday!
Last Wednesday we talked about Screening My Wishes, before that we covered Solstice Wishes. Today is also about wishes, but mainly about a good obsession.
A good obsession
Just start.
Pacing
I can’t stop pacing. Sometimes I pace as a form of thinking something through, and sometimes I pace as a form of avoidance, and sometimes it’s just a matter of any stim in a storm.
A relatively socially acceptable stim. People don’t like it when you have to get on the floor. People don’t like it when you get on the floor to calm yourself. Not if you remain still and especially not if you roll back and forth.
Unless you’re in a yoga class and then it’s fine. Even better if you’re teaching the class.
Not that there are people around anymore to be upset about things, and not that yoga classes exist alongside me in the same universe anymore. But still, I remember.
These are the things I think about
These are the things I think about while pacing in tight circles, or figure eights.
The people that aren’t around anymore, the things that used to exist for me and now do not, and cannot, and probably never will again, and how there isn’t anyone I can talk to about missing them, except Meirav.
Before I lived in a tiny house, I thought perhaps downsizing to somewhere very small would help me pace less, but if anything I pace more.
Except Meirav
Meirav and I were talking while I was pacing, Meirav is my therapist from the mid-90s, which is somehow nearly thirty years ago, Meirav and I talk in my head.
I was upset about perceiving myself to be deeply misunderstood, which is an ongoing situation for me, the thing I am most often upset about, and maybe a neurodivergent thing to be upset about, because being misunderstood is kind of our whole deal.
Give me something better please
It was around New Years (the one on January 1st, not the one I celebrate on February 2nd), and everyone was sending New Year wishes, as they do, which is sweet. Adore new year wishes, will take them all year round.
And for some reason, nearly everyone in my life seemed to want to specifically wish me GENTLENESS, as in: a gentle new year, a year of soft gentle things, sending you gentleness, hope this year treats you gently, etc.
And I get it, in a way. I’ve been through a lot in the last few years, and the people who know me know this.
Opposites
I’m sure they want less terrifying, tumultuous experiences for me, they want me to experience the opposite of everything going wrong. Which is a beautiful wish, it’s loving and kind.
And for them, the opposite of everything going wrong is apparently gentleness, so that’s what they wish for me, and I appreciate the warmth and love behind their wishes, and also I don’t want it.
A gentle year can fuck all the way off. Give me something better.
Fuck a gentle new year, where is some good, fun, non-gentleness
“You have clarity,” said Meirav, who is primed to see the positive, though fortunately not in an annoying way.
“You can see the loving intention behind the wish of gentleness, and at the same time you reject the framing of this wish, because it isn’t relevant to what you need right now, it is not, as you’d say, your yes.”
That is correct. I categorically reject gentleness. I want whatever the fuck is good-but-not-gentle. I want sensory intensity, of the kind that is pleasurable.
Give me wildness, aliveness, gasp-worthy delights.
Turn up the sensory experience
The past few years have brought so many forms of dulled senses.
When the agonizing loneliness of isolation made it impossible to feel anything other than numb. Then my concussion erased basic information like where the grocery store might be (anywhere? can’t remember!), or what did I used to be like and care about…?
Then when Covid erased taste and smell, and took away my ability to move like a bobcat. Or when sudden unexpected heartbreak sent me into grief-shock, and I found myself unable to sleep, spending my nights repeating to myself but I don’t understand, make it make sense.
But I don’t understand, make it make sense.
And it never once made sense.
The opposite
Covid-life and concussion-life have been so spacey and bewildering. I can see how everyone would want life to go gentle on me for a change, but for me the opposite of blurry and blurred is sharp and defined.
The opposite of numb is tantalizing.
I want tantalizing.
No gentleness here
Fuck gentleness. I want excitement, passion, intense deliciousness, obscene amounts of pleasure.
In the morning I crush chiltepin peppers, sometimes with the flat part of my knife, sometimes with my fist, and slice ginger to add to my morning potion, to add a slow burn of desert heat.
Yes please to too much, and then more of that. Turn it up.
Don’t be gentle, be fully alive with me. Be real with me. Thrill me. Surprise me. Adore me.
Who and what am I wishing towards?
Okay, I am talking to 2023, and also to myself, and also to someone wholly imagined, who may or may not exist, an incoming self or a version of myself I haven’t met yet, and also to the next special interest which is still a mystery.
I want passion and intense deliciousness that both engages and enrages.
And I want to obsess over something entirely and deliciously frivolous, devote myself to it, hurl myself into obsession, deep-dive all the way into the most specific special interest and devour it, let it devour me.
So okay, we’ve clarified something. Not gentle. But sweet. I want an obnoxiously hot affair and a really good hobby or three, in that order or not. 2023, are you listening?
Heightened (senses)
I wrote the above thoughts on not-gentleness in February, when I was finding my way into my own new-new year, and six months have passed, somehow, and I am considerably less blurry and foggy now.
Still not all the way to clear, just: significantly less fog.
From deep within the cabin fever, the heat waves of summer here in southwestern New Mexico, I am craving sensation, but maybe also somewhat less opposed to gentleness than I was in January.
My senses are heightened. I open the doors for a deep breath of air. I love the scent of the fields after the rains.
Sensation sensation sensation
I made chile crisp this weekend, and a coffee cardamom syrup. Envelop me, sensation.
And maybe I feel differently about gentleness now, more willing to welcome it, certainly I won’t fight its gifts.
As long as it comes with enticement and…hmmm, something about appreciation. I want to be appreciated and to appreciate, I want these sparks of aliveness.
Maybe the gentleness is about sanctuary. Maybe sanctuary is the place I go within myself to come alive again.
A pilgrimage to nowhere, or possibly to the center
The thing that helps most when I can’t stop pacing is applauding myself for pacing.
Imagining how many miles I’ve walked, like medieval nuns who walked circles in their cells imagining they were on a holy pilgrimage? That’s a thing, right? Good job, you’re more than halfway to the wished-for place, good job, good job.
Good job, getting that out of your system, I tell myself. Good job, keeping it moving.
Once I have stopped trying to get myself to stop, I am able to settle, alight somewhere.
Applause for pacing! And then I can land.
Something about rebelliousness, something about legitimacy
I won’t stop when told to or coaxed.
However, I will stop when praised for not stopping. Praise my resilience, my determination, my foolhardy commitment, my furiously rebellious walking fuck-you nature, and I calm right down.
Obviously, no one else is ever around, so I am the one telling myself to stop, finding out it doesn’t work, eventually resorting to praise.
You’re doing so great, I’m proud of you. Pace as long as you need to.
Appreciate my longing for enhanced sensation, and I will eventually come around to gentleness too.
A good obsession
A question I ask more often than you’d think is WWNCD (What Would Neal Caffrey Do), and the answer nearly always makes me feel better.
Neal Caffrey is a con artist, a character on the show White Collar, who remains, despite always conning someone, extremely genuine in his passion for whatever he is currently passionate about.
“I respect a good obsession” is one of my all-time favorite Neal Caffrey quotes, and there are many.
Also worthy of appreciating: the response, from his bff: “And I get to cross a name off my enemies list!”
Obsession, a good one
Obsession (a good obsession), and casual revenge, which is another form of obsessing.
Neal obsesses over good wine, art, suits, how people learn to sort male and female chickens, whatever is in front of him, or whatever is out of sight.
He is agile, fast, smiles easily, passionate about being passionate, and trusts his intuition.
We were both born in March of 1977, the same month that the Fleetwood Mac album Dreams came out, and I once compiled a long list of other things we have in common, but all I remember is Dreams…
WWNCD. Probably what I would do too if I remembered to slow down and ascertain what I want.
Neal understands
I talk to Neal in the same way that I talk to Meirav, although Meirav and I speak Hebrew and she is more grounded and more attuned to how I do things. Sometimes Neal’s advice requires some shimmying around until I can make it work with my own moral or existential compass.
Neal immediately understands why I am allergic to having unsolicited gentleness thrust upon me in wish form.
“Well-wishing is mostly useless,” he says firmly. “People are good at the intention part of it and bad at the content part of it.”
Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife (a spoon is a weapon too!)
I wait for him to finish his thought.
“They don’t always know what to wish for you, they aren’t always going to make the right guess, but you can wish your own wishes for yourself. You can also take what they give you and transform it into what you need. Think of it as a MacGuyver situation; you need a weapon but someone hands you a stapler instead. You’re creative, you’ll make it work. React in the moment. Get creative with gentleness.”
Get creative with gentleness.
Meirav again
“When is gentle good?”, she asks. “When is it the thing you love and crave?”
I think about Bryan, my chiropractor who can gently bear-hug me back into alignment, who has never once caused me the tiniest amount of pain, but has hauled me back out from pain, he has retrieved me from the pain, with warm touch, patience, and uproarious laughter.
I think about proxies, and how they are the opposite of tough love, the opposite of problem-solving and strategizing, so sneaky, so fun.
No need to exit the comfort zone when you can expand the comfort zone
This makes me think about my deeply held belief that we do not have to dive into our pain to heal, we can play at the edges, that we do not have to force ourselves out of comfort zones, we can gradually expand what feels comfortable.
So I do like gentle, as it turns out, I like it as an approach. Maybe not as a theme for my year, but maybe like how I had to turn Clarity into Loving-Clarity, maybe Gentleness needs to be tempered with something less gentle and more exciting. Like a good obsession…
Zeroing in
My friends want me to be cradled in clouds, and I want to fight my way out of the clouds. They mean well.
Gentle isn’t the same as bland, Meirav points out. You’re reacting to it like it’s unseasoned.
No, of course not, I say. That’s not the point. The point is that gentleness can come after the pleasure. But first I need some joy.
(And obviously sometimes gentle & pleasure & joy can co-exist, we know this too.)
A crash pad but not that
Of course the people who love me and care about me are wishing for me to have a crash pad, they’ve watched me tumble through the last couple years, hurtling down the stairs of circumstances.
It is completely reasonable and understandable that they’re like, dear god, that poor sweet baby needs to be swaddled in soft blankets. I get it.
And it’s not that I don’t want softness.
It’s that I want LUSH, PLUSH & SLUTTY, to use the phrase I borrowed from Jade and refuse to let go of, my north star!
I want sensory comfort of a different kind, and I want to choose it, I don’t want it bestowed on me.
Joyfully alive
It’s as if everyone decided that the best cure for what ails me is a nice nap and a cup of tea when I ALREADY KNOW THE CURE I NEED which is to finally get have some fun.
Fun! I want a good obsession!
I want to have the silliest crush, to feel lighthearted and fizzy, to luxuriate in contemplating various playful creative pursuits, things other than staying alive (aka, am I going to, and if so, how), and the other boring questions that make everyone want gentleness for me.
I don’t want to need gentleness. I want to be joyfully alive.
Warmth
I told Meirav about a memory, dozing off on my ex’s chest, his warm voice reverberating, his fingers in my hair, listening to him talk to someone I didn’t know, and suddenly realizing he was describing something incredibly violent and threatening. Not towards me, just a situation. His other life when he wasn’t with me.
And one day he vanished without a trace, leaving me to many long nights of I don’t understand, make it make sense.
Meirav says, You got the experience of physical gentleness combined with emotionally not-gentle…
I think about that for a minute.
It was like that dream I used to have of sailing across the ocean in a cardboard box, cozy in my nest of blankets, not getting wet, a safe experience of an unsafe experience.
The opposite of emergency, do I know what that’s like
Meirav: In the dream, you got to experience softness and structure in an emergency. What if you got to experience them outside of an emergency? Do you know what to do with a love that doesn’t harm you?
Me, in English: Okay let’s not go overboard.
Meirav laughs at my seafaring pun but also gives me the look.
Me: It suits me, the box. Let’s stay in the cozy box please.
Head-therapy is cozy, pacing is cozy, what else.
Back to pacing
I was pacing and thinking about how all my wishes for this year have a through-line of time, something about the passage of time, a slow motion montage, for example…
- growing out my hair
- being UNRECOGNIZABLE to myself and to the world but in a good way..
- allowing this chrysalis year of hermit time out in the wilds to shift something
- how can my tiny home on a trailer become livable, functional & comfortable? aka less like fancy camping
- covid-conscious friends or adventure partners to hike with or cook for, or both
- a plan and support to create a structure for retreat space and visitors
- block off view of neighbors so I never see them & can forget they exist
- plant trees…
Music in the distance
All of these wishes feel like [movie music], I don’t know how to explain it better than that, they exist at some time in the future that is hazy and hard to imagine, I feel it there but can’t bring it into focus.
It’s like a jazz bar down the street that our protagonist has not entered yet…
Does that make sense? What do you do when your wish is still just barely on the horizon?
Not sure what the question is but what might it be…
Let’s ask. Maybe it’s about what I’m missing. What happens during the slow motion montage?
What happens during the slow motion montage?
How do I distract myself or obsess over something else while this is happening?
Or how do I get obsessed with these projects when either there’s nothing to be done yet or in the moment, or a million steps to be done and I don’t know where to start.
For example…
For example, hair growth is simply a matter of give it time.
Take your vitamins, don’t look in the mirror too often, give it time.
While making the tiny house livable or doing something with the barn seems like so many steps and perceived obstacles that I get overwhelmed and can’t start. Ahahaha, steps like pacing.
And pacing like the speed of movement, not just the act of moving.
I need an obsession and I don’t know what it is (but is that true)
An all-consuming distracting obsession! Yes please.
And it needs to involve steps (steps! pacing!) or practical things I can do. It can’t just be “wait for things to get better”, because that is not working.
Or maybe I’m experiencing [opposite wish effect] where I want to be obsessed and am not, so everything feels either boring or impossible, or both. But maybe that’s also a distortion of cabin fever and loneliness.
Solved through
Solvitur ambulando is a favourite Latin phrase which I believe we’ve talked about. “It is solved through walking”.
What if pacing is the path and not the problem. What if I can wander my way into my next obsession, stim my way into feeling something?
Do I need to know what I’m training for, can I be in the slow motion montage and not know it yet?
Ritual, rest, repeat. Wish the wishes, keep it moving. Stay joyfully alive, and when it doesn’t feel joyful, I’m still here and we are calling it a win.
Add compassion and stir. Add sensation, feel and wait.
Wishing into the second half of the year
Can I take the fairy godparent blessings of Gentleness-Adjacent, and let them blend with my wishes for Tantalizing Anticipation and Joyfully Alive?
And can I trust that the good obsessions will reveal themselves in good time?
What other well-wishes can we rewrite to make them more enticing?
What else is drawn from the well of wishing?
I can’t wait to find out.
What are your wish-obsessions? Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to brainstorm obsessions, seed any seeds, play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Bonus materials!
Update: I am preparing new bonus materials for the month of July about time and how I prepare for and relate to the different quarters, more about this to come, but anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email by the end of the month…
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Screening my wishes / a wish for a screen
Wednesday at The Wish Factory
Into the wish cauldron
Wish time. This might require a proxy quest. Let’s find out.
In the meantime, I want to name the various elements on my mind, see if I can get closer to the essence of my wishing.
Writing is a cauldron for wishing, or it can be.
What ingredients are here? What do I know about my desires? Where am I starting from?
Starting from love, curiosity, and from the circumstances such as they are, aka It Is What It Motherfucking Is, which, at the moment, is a heat wave.
Heat (round one)
This heat wave, the one I was dreading last week, is a lot. 97 degrees (36 Fahrenheit), no air conditioning.
By 1pm, it’s too hot to even exist in the front room, even with curtains drawn and fans blasting, so I bring the little chiller into the bedroom and set it next to the bed, directed at me. The bedroom is very small, and with doors shut and curtains closed, it cools down to something manageable.
The good news: I’m able to wake up early and do my bobcat routine, take care of cooking, dishes, a step or two on a project. More good news: once it’s too hot, I have a cooler space to retreat to and be in siesta mode.
The less good news: I sit on the bed in a tiny room for eight hours until it’s time to go to sleep, experiencing hallucinatory levels of cabin fever, and who can say if it’s the heat or being confined to such a small space.
Probably both.
Refresh(ing)
I am trying to stay refreshed by doing all the refreshing things. Spraying or splashing cool water on my face, refilling my tiny ice tray, cooling off with wet washcloth baths.
Making horchata, or drinking iced chai with a ginger chiltepin syrup that I prepped early in the morning.
Mainly I am waiting this out and trying, as always, to do the known things that help, so that I can have more focus and use this siesta time for reading or writing, if I have focus, which I often don’t.
The rains will come when they come, the temperature will retreat to something more manageable, or I will get better at bearing the heat, or I will get better at life in siesta mode. There are options. I am keeping the faith.
But what I really long for, when I tune in to the questions and stones of What Do I Want, What Would Help, What Is The Next Step, my longing has to do with doors.
Open doors
The person who built my very tiny house on a trailer was an artist and a visionary, and the thing with art and vision is they can clash with the practical. I don’t know that they necessarily have to, but I don’t think it’s uncommon either.
Anyway, this visionary had a beautiful vision, of a home that could be open to nature, big doors on either end to open up to a view and a breeze, a dreamy open space that can hold both inside and outside at the same time.
He sold it to me because he wanted it to live out in glorious nature, not hooked up in someone’s backyard, but out in the wild wilds, where the open doors would open to a majestic vista.
And because I am a quiet, eccentric, dreamy person, the right steward for a quiet, eccentric dreamy metal dragon on a trailer, and [chaotic adventures ensued], eventually it ended up out here.
Dreamscape into reality
Of course when you traverse from dreamscape into reality, and from the California coast to the mountains of New Mexico, you are reminded of some aspects of how reality differs from dreamscapes.
For example, you are reminded that reality contains flies, bees, enormous dragonflies, all manner of creatures and critters (are those the same word?), of the crawling kind, the slinky kind, or the flying kind.
All of whom love an open door. Nature abhors a vacuum, and goes wild for a door.
So very rarely do I open the doors. In the morning I do, opening the front doors when there is a lovely cool breeze, and I can keep an eye on the threshold. Lighting incense to discourage the flies.
But what I really want…
Ah yes, okay. Here it is. What I really want is a screen, especially in the evening when the temperatures cool deliciously, and it is lovely outside on the porch, but still reliably miserable inside.
So I end up staying up later than I want waiting for the inside air to cool, and, eventually, joyfully reaching for a blanket in the middle of the night.
But what if I could open the doors and fill the house with cool night air for half an hour or so before bed, and fall asleep comfortable, and two hours earlier? That sounds delightful.
What do I know about this wish?
I thought at first I was zeroing in on a wish for a simple, elegant, inexpensive solution for a temporary, seasonal front door screen, or maybe a wish for information, like for someone to recommend to me the exact right kind of temporary, seasonal screen, and connect me to the right person to install it.
Except that’s not exactly the wish.
Hmmm, maybe it’s really a wish for a personal assistant type of magical person because I have no focus to research these things, and because I am deeply afraid of ordering the wrong thing which has happened in the past…
Which makes it a wish for funds, and for a trustworthy handy-person who will wear a mask and also actually show up. Which is at conflict with my experience that these things can be unreliable and iffy.
Morning air, so sweet and refreshing
This morning, I opened the front doors wide wide wide all the way, and fastened them to stay open, and it was so refreshing, the outside temperature cool and inviting.
My slinky bobcat yoga hour went by so fast, my sun salutations felt effortless, for the first time since my concussion, which as it happens, was two years ago today, happy concussiversary to me.
Well, happy is not really the right word. A quiet and meaningful feast day to me. That’s better.
I began to wonder if cool fresh air is the simple and rejuvenating solution to all that ails me? It couldn’t hurt, so how do I get more of this without being on edge, because another anniversary is coming up and that is the anniversary of a snake in my home, which was very stressful.
Yes, okay, I want a screen! I want to be screened in, please. Cool refreshing outside air, with a boundary. Contained and breezy.
Heat, in the form and sense of sudden anger
I began researching possible screen options, and it felt very familiar. Turns out that’s because this is something I discussed in depth with former handyperson nearly two years ago.
He said it would be easy to install, no big deal. I did so much research, sent him three options, asked which one would work best, if any. He never got back to me, I sent follow-up questions and reminders. He wouldn’t respond.
I asked again when he was here working on a project, but he needed to look at the email, and neither of us could pull it up because of my iffy wifi. And it never happened, and I forgot because I forget things now.
So this project, and even the wish for it, is bringing up some old frustrations, some pain stories and some monster stories. Something about…?
Something about…
If I try to put this big emotion / throat tightness into words, if I were going to cry to a friend about this, what is the narrative, what is in here?
Something about…
[This could have been so easy and he could have installed it in minutes while he was here anyway but no one is available to help me with the decision making process, and I am out of my depth, and scared to order the wrong thing, which I have done so times in the past few years and then I have REGRETS about wasted money, energy and time!]
Okay, let’s proxy this!
In other words, this wish is striking big feelings, too close to home, too close to self-criticism patterns. Let’s view it in a new frame, using something that isn’t going to elicit the same strong emotion.
A proxy is a way to utilize hyperfocus while elegantly side-stepping any potential stuck elements attached to the project you’re actually working on, or the problem you’re actually trying to solve…
It’s taking the scenic route on purpose because that’s where the clues are.
Homemade sriracha, for example
I went to the kitchen in search of ice and another round of Summery Refreshing Beverage, and saw the homemade version of sriracha I made this week.
Honestly, it came out great. I added ginger and some dried chile de árbol for added complexity and richness of flavor. My version is hotter than the rooster bottle, which is not a complaint from me.
It’s good on roasted potatoes, it’s good on eggy fried rice with lots of greens, and I do not currently have any ice cream but am convinced it would be good on ice cream…
Ice cream sounds so dreamy right now
Tragically I don’t have any ice cream or anything ice cream adjacent in my tiny freezer. This is not an unusual situation.
However, I am very tempted, once it cools down enough to spend time in the kitchen again, to whip up a coconut milk semifreddo or a tahini sorbet to test out this theory, which could be a delusion of my heat-melted mind, some kind of dazzling ice cream mirage situation, or possibly I am a culinary genius.
The point is, I am gloriously unconflicted about this beautiful bottle of homemade sriracha, and unconflicted is what we want for a proxy when we are working with wishes. Let’s go.
Who am I in this situation? Secret identity: activate!
I make a homemade version Sriracha. I am, just for the purposes of this creative thinking exercise, The Sriracha Maker.
Okay, let’s see what we have to work with here….
Questions…
What is sriracha about?
What is homemade sriracha making about?
What is being the sriracha maker about?
What do I know as the sriracha maker?
Answers…
Sriracha is about a punch of flavor.
Homemade sriracha making is about the joys of DIY and zero-waste.
Being the sriracha maker is about creativity and playfulness, independence, and the very delightful and compelling (to me) superpower of what if I can upgrade this even more?
What I know as the sriracha maker is that all I have to do is combine delicious ingredients and wait. Then blend and strain. But first wait.
Here are the themes:
Upgrades upon upgrades!
Adding layers of complexity
Enhance the ritual
UPGRADES UPON UPGRADES!
I love that it’s not just the upgrade of not needing to buy hot sauce or have another plastic container in my home, but literally the upgrade of oh wow this tastes way the fuck better.
Adding layers of complexity
I love the layered complexity of flavor that comes from adding ginger and dried Mexican chiles, but what about cumin, dried lemon peel, a cinnamon stick, maybe a splash of alcohol. A sriracha cocktail or mocktail…
What about a sriracha-flavored horchata, for example. Again, the heat could be cooking my brain, but also being playful is fun.
Enhance the ritual (enhance! enhance!)
In Judaism, there is a term for when you are following a commandment or doing a ritual, and you make it more beautiful, hidur mitzvah, the decorating or elevating of the commandment. For example, using beautiful candlestick holders for your candles on Shabbat.
Beautiful ritual objects aren’t required, this isn’t something you need to feel bad about if you don’t or can’t, it’s just a possible form of making the ritual feel otherworldly, beyond or outside of the mundane.
Outside of the mundane
Obviously, sriracha is not a religious ritual, l’havdil.
But for the purposes of this thought experiment, what if it is ritual-adjacent, what if I treat my great love of spicy oils, sauces and assorted hot condiments as holy?
Using a beautiful bottle. Making it in my favorite pot. The joy of a bowl of bright peppers on my counter, all of it is joy, really. And joy is holy.
Thankful for being alive and in a body to experience moments of joy. Not all the time, sure, but certainly when I am putting sriracha on everything. It’s a start.
Let’s talk to the version of me who is The Sriracha Maker
Me: What would you like me to know? What am I missing, not perceiving, forgetting about, misconstruing?
What do I need to know about sriracha, the process of making it, the experience of being The Sriracha Maker?
The Sriracha Maker: Well, for one thing, it’s very meditative, making a sauce. A double form of sorcery.
There is the sorcery of individual ingredients, spending the night together, brining and vibing, then further combining with the application of heat and sugar, until they meld into a new entity, a holy god this is good sauce that is life-ruiningly delicious, in a good way.
There is an additional form of sorcery though in taking the leftover pulp and turning that into something else, frying it up into something chili-crisp adjacent that we like to call Bonus Condiment.
Now you have two condiments, and zero waste. The art of reusing is imbued with magic. Reduce, re-use.
Transformations
Me: So it’s about transformation and also about imbuing, letting something take on its next form. The ego death of the pepper?
TSM: Haha sure, you could say that. The ego death of everything, destruction and creation. And beyond that…?
Me: Ooof, it’s about trusting the fucking process again, are you kidding me?
TSM: Okay, what if we say that it’s about observing the process, being engaged and present with the process, making adjustments as needed?
But yes, sure, one element of sriracha making is very much that:
You might as well have some faith along the way.
You might as well have some faith along the way
Me: What else do you want me to know or understand that I don’t know or understand yet?
TSM: Once you have made one kind of hot sauce you love, you can make others, it’s a hobby or fascination that extends and expands, as far as you like to take this exploration.
You can use the subtleties of flavor and knowledge that you have accumulated in the form of hot sauce skills, and apply them to anything else, food-related or not.
This will make you a better baker, more skilled in general, in many, non-hot-sauce-related endeavors. This practice has applications beyond anything you can imagine right now.
I don’t know if you are ready to hear this, but I’m just going to say it: making these glowing bottles of red pleasure sauce is related to being a writer. It’s not separate from writing.
What would help?
Me: What would help me most? And please don’t say trust the process!
TSM: Haha, obviously I would never. But, take this as an example rather than an instruction, what if? This is how I want you to think. What if you made a pineapple sriracha blend and added it to esquites?
Me: Okay, so this is about the unexpected. What if we put it in a tiramisu?
TSM: That is bold and grand. That is what I’m talking about. Experiments that are bold and grand. Idea sparks. Not just putting it on rice and a protein.
Application
Me: I still don’t really see how any of this applies to the wish of a door screen situation. I get that there’s something about thinking creatively, an expansive state of mind for ideas to bubble up….
And I agree with you that there’s value in observing the process.
I like the part about transformation, having these screens on even just the front door would allow me to feel like I am at sea, enjoying the breeze, instead of relying on just two windows to carry the cool air to me.
WWTSMD (What would The Sriracha Maker do?)
TSM: Do you know what I would do?
Me: I do not! That’s why I’m asking!
TSM: When it came time to make sriracha, we read several recipes…
Me: Is that like… looking up reviews for various screens?
TSM: laughing
I didn’t get what was funny, and had to go get more ice, and then suddenly I got the joke. They don’t want me to screen the screens, they want me to screen the handyperson.
There are reasons I don’t want to work with the ones I know, and I haven’t found new ones, and this requires a screening process. I need a screen, I need to get better at screening.
That’s fair, it is funny, I laughed.
Heat (again)
I keep saying that I am losing my mind in this heat, but also I made hot sauce, so heat is also two things at once. What else do I know about heat?
You can reheat things, like a sauce.
You can apply heat…
To apply heat can sometimes mean to apply pressure…
You can also apply heat in the sense of slow cooking, low heat, low and slow.
Right now I am responding to heat, in summer siesta mode, heat is applied to me, my job is to rest and write and wish wishes. Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Concussiversary Wishes
I am going to drink horchata and skip some stones (journal) on What Is Different, What Is Working, and What If You’re Doing Great Babe? Hat tip to Holly for the last one, what a beautiful question.
The wish has been seeded, the ingredients have been placed in a jar. Right now it’s time to wait.
Luckily, I can keep wishing more wishes, consult with The Sriracha Maker, talk to any version of me at all, and find some grace in my thank-you-heart for the miracles.
Thank you, miracles of my cooler sequestered bedroom, the chiller that lowers the temperature by ten to fifteen degrees if I’m sitting right next to it. Thank you, ice trays and modern conveniences. Thank you, taste buds and taste sensations that returned to me. Thank you, friends who check on me from afar.
Now is not then. Now is now.
Want to wish some wishes? Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to wish any wishes, seed any seeds, play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Solstice wishes
Solstice Wishes
Quarters, again
I live my life in quarters, reveling in the double meaning that is quarters as living space, sanctuary, shelter, or all of the above, nestled alongside the parallel meaning of quarters as segments of the year, a way to be in relationship with both time and seasonality.
And I love the imagery of quarters as containers for wishing wishes, letting them percolate, all the superpowers of Three Months Later…
Where are we now? YOU ARE HERE.
Take me to my quarters. Am I ready to embark? Not sure. Am I ready to ready myself for the embarking? Yes, let’s find out what is here.
Heat
Here in the northern hemisphere, things are heating up.
My tiny home does not have climate control, and only two of the windows have screens. Last week reached highs of 87 degrees Fahrenheit (30.5 Celsius), and I’m looking at 99 degrees (37 Celsius) coming any day now.
“It’s not so bad, still under 100 degrees”, said more than one friend, forgetting that they are blessed with air conditioning. It is bad though. My brain is cooked. I can’t have a cooked brain on top of damaged brain!
It’s too much. So much is too much. A heartfelt sigh for the state of the world, and all related big feelings, noticing the way this more generalized anxiety blends with immediate situational anxiety.
(Brief pause for processing big feelings!)
What am I noticing?
I am experiencing distress-anxious feelings about the climate in general! I am experiencing these feelings in a more specific way thinking about getting through an especially hot summer in the metal dragon that I live in!
If I’m not paying attention, I can let each flavor of distress-anxiety fuel the others until I am too overwhelmed to access any perspective or Loving Clarity on this. Can I make room for the feelings and also breathe into some new possibilities…
Remembering, slowly
I am slowly getting better at remembering when to close curtains (earlier than I think), when to open windows, when to retreat to bed which is the coolest spot in the tiny house. And refilling the ice tray, though that is also a challenge when I can’t remember what I’m doing for longer than fifteen seconds.
My small portable chiller that saved me last summer stopped working, which sent me into a panic. I am asking for this too to solve itself.
Grounding myself in curiosity and compassion: What is the opposite of a panic? What forms of surprise ease might already be here that I can’t see or feel yet?
The opposite of
The point is, I have been dreading summer with its trials and tribulations — fire danger, monsoon flooding, captive in my tiny captains quarters aka my bedroom because the rest of the house is too hot to exist in.
Okay, that’s so reasonable, babe! And, let’s find out: What is the opposite of dread?
Is it my old sweet friend Anticipation, my favorite quality in the entire world?!
Can I shift from dread and anxiety into the practice of What Can I Be Excited About, and How Do I Tend To Myself With Love And Care?
Where’s the anticipation, and how do I generate some sweetness for this new space, the quarters of this quarter?
What do I want, what is important to me, what are my wishes, what will help?
Seeding the seeds by naming the seeds
A seasonal ritual for me is carving out time to write my wishes — or seeds, as someone suggested in the comments, so poetic, so beautiful, yes to seeds!
I do this at new moon and full moon, at equinox and at solstice. And any other time that appeals, but always at these times.
Since new moon was just a few days ago, these turned into a combination list, and nearly everything on it surprised me. I love to be surprised when it comes to wishes!
As you may know, I have a favorite way to meet a wish or a seed, or many wishes or a collection of seeds, and that is with a heart-felt breath:
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Here they are. What beautiful wishes.
The Solstice Wishes
- Do the things that help
- Always Be Making A Shrub (this is about rituals & sweetness)
- Ahead of the count in all things
- Ask what I want / what is important to me (over and over and over)
- The best views, the most expansive space
- Luscious Minimalist Something Something (the somethings aren’t important)
- Praise as practice
- Scent as practice
- A Good Obsession to the nth degree, so many things to deeply obsess over!
- Figure out how to make the transitions fun and appealing
- Reduce & Destroy (pare down)
- More forms of imaginary ADHD meds please
- Make connections, wish the wishes, trust the process
- More good days
- Devoted to the color yellow, for example
- It Solves Itself (welcoming and staying receptive to the simple elegant solutions)
What do I know about these wishes so far?
I’m noticing a lot about ritual and practice, and I see some sparks of hopefulness.
A love for aesthetics and the delicious deep dive of a good obsession.
Some of this is about letting my ADHD self run wild and frolic, and some of this is about playful forms of supportive structure.
Let’s talk to a solstice self
Let’s talk to a solstice self.
Who is the me of this quarter (and these summer quarters that I am inhabiting), this year? What do they know?
I think this self is my outlaw self, aesthetically very Sharon Stone in cowboy drag if you ever watched The Quick & The Dead, though I am imagining a version of this archetype who is not reacting to everything from trauma.
This is the quick-draw self of the wild wilds, who needs an expansive vista so they can stare off into the horizon, who craves adventure and a cozy bunk in equal measures. In pursuit of justice, in pursuit of the pursuit.
This is the self who has already been through whatever this summer holds, and can guide me through. Head me off at the pass, cowboy Sharon Stone! Yeah, okay, that’s hot.
An adventurer self who is also a homebody, and sees zero contradiction here, even though I still do, because I have not yet acquired the wisdom of this solstice to equinox self.
Alright! Hot Cowthey Outlaw Summer let’s goooooooo!
Solstice self / hot cowthey summer outlaw self, talk to me please
Solstice Self: You are a visionary, who lives in the visions.
This is good and sometimes hard to move into the practical, you are getting better at this. You are working from circumstances that are not ideal —- the heat, the mysteries of funds, a lack of appropriate fuel, the lack of a working shower which would help in the heat especially, the mysteries of waiting on other people for input you want now, etc.
And yet, still, you are the one who accesses visions, holds them, allows them to shift, you are so much witchier than you think.
You already know this: your powers are accessible and enhanced when you are feeling grounded, stable, and powerful like a bobcat or a mountain lion, so yes, do whatever it takes to support that state.
Do the things that help
Me: Is that what Do The Things That Help means?
Solstice self: Yes. Sometimes you wait to do the things that help until you need them. It used to be that you would wait until long after you needed them, so this is an improvement, good job on that.
Now I want you to do them before you need them. I want them automatic and ingrained.
There is simply no need to wait for an emergency or a panic to do the things that help in an emergency or a panic, just do them without a need arising. This is the advanced practice.
Me: So, like, preventative medicine?
Solstice self: No, not like that. The old pattern of perceiving [doing the things that help] as medicine is what exacerbated self-destructive behaviors to begin with. New metaphor, new consciousness.
Me: So I do these rituals and practices, not because I will need them later but because they are what I do. These are the things I do, not as medicine, just as a way of being.
Ritual & repetition, again
Examples of the things that help:
So much of what I do is heavily routine-based, and that’s mostly because I live in a state of Perpetual Goldfish Brain, thanks to traumatic brain injury from a concussion, Long Covid erasing what was left of my ability to remember what I was doing at any given moment, and ADHD.
Thanks to ADHD or the combination of autism and ADHD, my natural tendency is to either space out or deep dive. I am either drifting in my own dreamy world of thoughts and imaginings, or I am hurtling down a rabbit hole of enthusiasm needing to learn everything about whatever my latest obsession is.
Add a traumatic brain injury and Long Covid, and I do not ever know what I’m doing, what I meant to do next, or even what I am in the middle of.
And so my day is very scripted. I wake up, dry brush, hydrate, do my slow kitchen jog of figure eights and think my thoughts, take imaginary adhd meds round one (a vitamin), do a six minute meditation, do my bobcat stretching and so on, each step leads to the next, otherwise I will get lost, and even with all these steps in place, I still quite often get lost.
Let’s talk to solstice self again.
I don’t know what the question is
Me: I want your guidance and I don’t know what to ask, I don’t know what the question is, just show me what is needed please…
Solstice Self: You already have such supportive structures in place, we are just going to be shoring up the transitions, and also focusing on the joy.
You love Cooking Club, so that does not need to be perceived as a chore, writing feels good when we have arrived at the right topic, and it does not feel good when we are forcing a topic.
So what I want us to work on is, instead of getting frustrated when writing feels like forcing, just calmly and casually switch topics until one is yes.
No forcing, just percolating and keep it moving
No forcing, no pushing, just move on to the next topic. Whatever needs to be forced is not ready, and needs to percolate. That’s a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
Me: Okay but isn’t that how we just end up with ten thousand mini drafts? And isn’t that the opposite of reducing and paring down? Ohmygod please do not tell me to trust the process, I can’t.
Not trusting the process is fine actually, but what about this?
Solstice self: If cowboy-drag Sharon Stone said, “do you trust me?” and held out her vengeance-seeking cowboy hand, you’d follow, right?
Me: Yes, I am a sucker for cowboy drag Sharon Stone, that movie was my bisexual / pansexual awakening, that and Nicole Kidman in To Die For, oh, and maybe also Julia Roberts in Sleeping With The Enemy, good lord the early 90s were so intense.
Solstice self: If you won’t trust the process, will you trust cowboy-drag Sharon Stone?
Me: Oh, interesting. So I’m disinclined to trust the process, because I’m disinclined to trust anything, but sure, I’ll follow Sharon Stone wherever. Yes, okay, I get it, I’m in. What happens next?
What happens next?
Me: What happens next?
Solstice self: You already wrote it down, in the wishes. You do the things that you know help. You commit to ritual and repetition. Always be making a shrub. Make sure you have an expansive view. You don’t have to trust the process, but you can trust Sharon Stone in cowboy drag on a mission of vengeance.
You can start small. Scent as practice? Light a tea light with some of the loose incense you made at equinox. Heat some cloves in a pot of water on the stove.
Let everything be Imaginary ADHD Meds, including lighting a candle or drinking a shrub.
Shrub shrub shrub shrub
I think I already wrote about my obsession with shrubs and how much I love them (yes, in The Horchata Proxy!), and how much I love the word itself, which comes from the Arabic sharab, a drink.
I love the simplicity in that. We are drinking a drink, and this is the drink.
And of course I love the process of combining ingredients, giving them space and time, and coming back to find that they have become something new and magical, which is also a form of trusting cowboy Sharon Stone.
Last summer I was deep into shrub life, and then got out of the habit, because winter was so cold, and my refrigerator is so small, and I kept forgetting to get vinegar.
The shrub I made last week is strawberry ginger, I used date vinegar from the middle eastern market in Tucson. It is sweet, acidic, complex, all the things I want from summer.
Simplicity, sweetness, surprised by magic. Isn’t that enough? Can I let it be enough?
Where do we go from here?
I have seeded the seeds, by naming them.
Whether I continue to explore them through journaling and stone skipping or not, they have been seeded.
My job now is to notice and pay attention, stay receptive to clues and good surprises, notice where I am tripping myself up, and continue to do the things that help, with tenderness and care.
Doing the things that help, then keep doing them
Light a candle, stretch like a bobcat, do the things that help. Make a shrub, find a good obsession, stare into the horizon, do the things that help.
Notice what works, notice what hurts, love myself a little more if I can, make space for what is if I can’t.
No need to trust the process, it’s doing its thing either way, and there is some liberation in that if I want it, and even if I don’t.
Here’s to simplicity, sweetness, surprised by magic, lighting a candle for the seeds doing their beautiful seed thing while I sail through the seas of the season on my imaginary ship, the good ship Solstice.
Quick question/survey!
Two things, actually.
First: I was considering sharing my baseline outline for how I set up or schedule my quarters and build each season, maybe how solstice to equinox looks for me as opposed to equinox to solstice.
Is this something you’d be interested in reading more about? If so, let me know in the comments if that’s something you’d like to see in a future post!
The other thing is I’m hearing from people they are no longer getting these posts via email, apparently the plug-in that runs rss email subscription is no longer supported, so if you know someone who wants to try to solve that, I’m seeding a wish for a simple solution. 🤞🏼
Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
Do any of these solstice seeds resonate with you! Or maybe you wish to seed other solstice seeds and wishes for yourself! Have at it.
All experiments are useful experiments. What wishes or themes are you currently playing with? What is in your list of Doing What Helps?
Share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️