What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Chicken 317: kapow! 58 wishes!
It is the weekend and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Deeper breathing.
Ten minutes on the floor.
Eyes closed.
Waiting until my breath changes.
Asking: What would get me to the whole-hearted yes?
And then really listening, even when it was scary to ask.
Next time I might…
Make more wishes!
This week was Rally W, so it was the Week of Wishes, and I let myself wish all the wishes, and it was awesome.
Terrifying, useful, liberating, beautiful. All of that.
It is shaking things up, all of this permission to want, without attachment to whether or not I receive any of it, just focusing on the qualities, picking up clues about my relationship with desire.
I sat with a notebook and rattled off 58 wishes, and ohmygod they were such beautiful wishes.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Waiting on a piece of news. A breath for trust.
- I know that I said I did all the scary things last week, and I did. This week there were more scary things. A breath for comfort.
- Falling apart one afternoon, for very valid reasons. A breath for remembering that of course these are valid reasons.
- I am still feeling hurt about past endings. A breath for looking again and finding the treasure.
- Emptying my purse and forgot the zippered pocket was open: phone is smashed and doesn’t work. Today I had to cancel all my plans to take a million buses to the genius bar to find out if anything can be salvaged. A breath for this, and for the very interesting timing of being unreachable right now.
- It turns out that I have some big, big feelings that I wasn’t expecting to feel. Beautiful feelings, but unexpected and surprising. They are shaking things up. A breath for staying grounded and centered.
- Had a bit of a meltdown. It was partly about some big choices and possibilities coming up, all of which scare me. Partly from getting overloaded and too much time around people. Partly from the news in the world. Partly from old worries resurfacing. A breath for courage.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Kapow! Danielle made me go do a Regrounding with her (our secret code for taking care of our feet) and it was lovely. Richard asked what color my toenails would be when I returned, and I said: whatever color scares me the most. I went with KAPOW! It’s a hot electric look-at-me-right-now pink, and it is fabulous and wow. A breath for saturated color, for richness, for play, for the part of me who is ready to be seen.
- I did more scary things and I am okay! A breath for courage.
- Dancing in the hotel bar. A breath for pleasure.
- Listening for the whole-hearted yes. A breath for being able to do this.
- Wearing the giant white floppy hat and getting upgrades all over the place because that hat is serious magic. Whenever I wear this hat, for some inexplicable reason, everyone I encounter decides I am this mysterious, gorgeous, very chic woman who needs to have the best of everything in life, and random strangers constantly tell me how stunningly beautiful I am. This hat is like, the me who winters in Palm Springs and is fabulous. I love this hat. I love the things that happen when I wear this hat. Also, it was a gift from my mother and took me years to actually wear it. A breath for things that are surprising and extraordinary.
- Dancing. Really, really, really great dancing. Connection. Delight. A whole-hearted yes of a dance. A breath for creative play, joyful movement and not being in almost anymore.
- Operation Gem Springs. Amazing dance workshops. Wonderful dances. I am finding the treasure. I am trying new things. I am learning and taking care of myself. A breath for everything about this.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. I am learning the things I want to learn. Incoming me is wise and hilarious and gives me good counsel. Being home after my travels is amazing. Red lipstick. Lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. People offer me a ride when I need one. I have a red fan in my bedroom. I thought I re-injured my ankle but it’s okay now. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Huge progress on the latest Sip Hint Learn, and many Tiny Liberations. Additionally completed Operation A New Hello, and asked for a status update on Operation 33, even though asking for a status update is always where I get stuck. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of wishes and the power of boldly going where I wanted to go anyway.
Superpowers I want.
Same as last week. The power of unapologetically and unwaveringly trusting my instinct.
Salve. The Salve of Boldly Going Where You Wanted To Go Anyway.
This salve is about self-trust, but it is really about so much more than that. When you rub this salve into your skin, things soften and relax.
It dissolves all those patterns where you cut yourself off from your wisdom in order to be polite or not be in the way or whatever the reasons are that we don’t allow ourselves to bravely trust the thing we already know to be true.
This salve is the antidote to people-pleasing patterns. With this salve, there are no more moments of yes that are really just bland not-exactly-no acquiescing to something that you don’t want. No more wincing yes. No more resigned okay-sure.
The secret of this salve is that it serves everyone. There is nothing selfish about it, just the opposite. This salve quiets the doubt chatter and the layers of worrying about what other people might think. It allows you to really know where you want to be, and to stride towards it without apologizing.
Wearing this salve turns you into a beacon. Other people will see that striding and be inspired to stride for themselves. This salve may launch a quiet peaceful revolution of sweetness. I hope it does. It goes so well with my electric pink fingernails.
Just thinking about this boldly-going makes me glow.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Richard and it’s called Negative Frills, they’re a funk fiddle trio, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
My writing/righting retreat is full. (PASSWORD: oneword)
Is this something you would want another chance at doing in the future? Let me know.
You don’t have to think you’re a writer, you don’t have to write, nothing is required other than that you want quiet time to be deeply creative, wildly inspired, and take some mostly self-guided time for internal exploration or whatever appeals to you.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Receiving a richness of riches.
This is my year of emerging and receiving, and one of the ways I have been practicing these (and learning about what they are) is through words.
Not just through words but through letters.
Each letter with its own resonance.
This year’s retreats — the alphabet rallies — have all been powerful, each letter in its own way.
This week, for example we are wading way into the witchy waters of W, a week of wells and wonderful whispered word-wishes where we welcome, wonder and wander…
Each letter has offered me gems beyond anything I could have imagined, and today I want to share with you about my experience with R, a remarkable letter which really ricocheted and reverberated and did extra-resounding things.
R was about receiving a richness of riches. On a raft, as it happened.
Even the letter itself was about richness.
We came up with so many R words we ran out of space to write them down.
Agent Elizabeth called it the richest letter, and it was.
That was also around the time I was obsessing over the chicken on a raft song, and I got everyone at Rally hooked on it.
On a raft!
We danced to this song (regular dancing and chicken dancing), and also did spirals to it.
And, of course, we added the words ON A RAFT to every R-word we could think of.
A richness of radiance?
A richness of radiance ON A RAFT.
It was like “that’s what she said”. Or adding EXCEPT IN BED to a fortune cookie.
And then Thekla made an actual raft! Out of popsicle sticks. We didn’t have a chicken to put on it, so here’s a duck. ON A RAFT!
A richness of riches in the form of words that begin with R…
Returning. On a raft!
Repeatedly. On a raft!
Reciprocity. On a raft!
Rawr! Roar! On a raft!
Resources. On a raft!
Rituals. On a raft!
Refuge. On a raft!
Reliability. On a raft!
Relaxation. On a raft!
Re-word. On a raft!
Rainbows. On a raft!
Roses. On a raft!
Resonance. On a raft!
Recess. On a raft!
Rippling. On a raft!
What else is good? On a raft….
Receptivity. Reassurance. Relinquishing. Relativity. Remarkable. Rework. Rewrite patterns. Reflecting. Responsibility to my kingdom. Reverberate. Radiance. Ready. Refine. Reclining. Radical. Restorative. Rebirth. Replenishing. Rally! (Rally!) Revenue. Rewards. Rule-breaking.
On a raft!
Still more words and qualities that show up on rafts.
Roles. Rest. Return. Reconnaissance. Rescue. Rejuvenate. Render. Relish. Re-order.
Respite. This makes me think of Paul Grilley.
Ruckus. That’s a word I will always associate with my former playmate.
Reconfiguring: my favorite word for change.
Rubies. Recover. Release. Re-engage. Renew. Receive. Request. (Ooh, and re-quest!)
Rewire. Real/reel. Respect. Recline. Realize. Raffle! Renegade! Repetition. Ruminate. Resilience.
Renaissance. Relevance. Rising. Relinquishing. Remembering. Recognition (patterns). Recalibration. Regeneration. Restoration. Rightness. Rhythm. Rooted. Resetting. Rebuilding. Re-naming.
Endless riches.
Choosing eight words for a compass was ridiculously hard (ridiculousness on a raft), but we somehow ended up with Rainbows (N), Receptivity (NE), Riches (E), Rest (SE), Resources (S), Relish (SW), Recline (W), and Roses NW). On a raft, of course.
The main thing I took from this raw, sweet, resonant encounter with the letter R was about plenty.
Riches everywhere, if I want them.
There are riches in my past experience, in my perspective, in my ability to ask questions and release the need to be right. Riches in remembering truth, remembering that Now Is Not Then, remembering that in this moment I am safe.
Riches in the magic of words to echo, reverberate and heal.
Everywhere I look there are clues and reassurances. All I need to do is pay attention, add intention, get a little quieter. On a raft.
May it be so! And come play with me.
Thank you, letter R.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with R, go for it.
Add new R words or peek over here for more R-filled riches. Like rabulous, racemiferous, raisonneur, and rataplan. On a raft!
And of course, if you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, help yourself.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: there is enough and there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with R, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish 267: an entirely new kind of waiting
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I wrote in the Chicken about the Salve of the Slow Motion Montage.
Right now, in my life in general and in dance in particular, it feels like I’m in the beginning of an intense training sequence.
Sometimes I get frustrated with my progress (or perceived lack of process), because I forget that I’m in the montage part.
I want to remember that what seems like waiting is actually part of the training. This is the new frame.
I think I don’t know how to wait, but actually it’s an entirely new kind of waiting. This waiting is about trying things. Testing hypotheses. Being wrong. Taking notes. Trying the next thing. Wiping out. Starting over.
This new kind of waiting means a new relationship with the qualities: patience, perspective, perseverance and play.
What else do I know about this?
Okay, so my dance training montage also has four words that start with P: pitch, poise, position and practice.
These are good for my relationship with dance and my relationship with waiting.
What else do I know about this?
I took an amazing class with Robert Royston in June, and this is the line that stuck in my head:
The difference between an amateur and a pro is that an amateur practices a move until he gets it right, a pro practices until he can’t get it wrong.
This also makes me think about Brandi Tobias and how she talks about dedicating your practice to meticulousness. She says this is what allows you to really play.
Dedication, devotion, meticulousness, repetition.
These are the things I’m learning about while I appear to be waiting.
It’s not like I’m waiting around doing nothing, hoping things will move. This is a waiting of actively practicing.
What else do I know about this?
Sometimes the training sequence involves icing my ankle, sometimes it involves making the same mistake a thousand times, sometimes it involves crying in the bath, and all of these things are okay, because they are part of getting ready, becoming stronger, getting closer.
Just like how the labyrinth repeatedly appears to take me farther away from the thing I am heading towards, and that is part of arriving.
Another interesting thing about the labyrinth: I always think the most important moment will be at the center, only to be surprised (every single time) at all the moments of treasure waiting for me at various points along the way there and back.
This process is important. This waiting — this new sense of what it means to be in a transition state — has treasure for me.
What else do I know about this?
How I wait is more important than anything else about the waiting, just like how in west coast swing it doesn’t matter so much where my feet go as how they get there.
How is about process.
In this new kind of waiting, I am involved. I am playing. I am receptive to elegant solutions and unexpected doors. I remember to look up.
Mainly, I commit to enjoying the process of getting there. This means finding the pleasurable parts, saying hello to the flowers at the edge of the path, pausing for picnics, releasing the ridiculous idea that the only important thing about the mountain is being at the top of it.
I want to remember: everything happening now is useful. I am finding clues, I am learning and exploring, I am in process.
What do I want from this new kind of waiting
The thrill of almost.
The pleasure of anticipation.
Quiet steady focus.
In any moment I can leave a secret message for incoming me, uncover a secret message from past me.
I want to say no more often, with less apologizing. To wait for the whole-hearted yes.
To do things differently than I might usually, just to see what happens.
What will help with this?
More intention-setting during other moments of waiting.
I can trace the labyrinth at the bus stop. I can write qualities on the palms of my hands. I can take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Where do I want to start?
Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Skip stones with incoming me.
Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
Use the compass: eight breaths, one in each direction.
Pleasure. Desire. Ease. Bask. Emerge. Receive. Glow. Wild.
Say thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: This really is an entirely new kind of waiting. It’s almost like we didn’t understand waiting before. This will change things. Let it change things. And you are so right about bright colors. Let the color into your life. Let things get saturated. See what happens. It’s a symbolic thing but it goes deep. This might also come with some scary moments, and it won’t make sense because come on, it’s just color. No, it’s big. This is about identity and about committing to desire, and a willingness to be seen! There’s a reason this requires a waiting period or montage time. Big growth. Let it take as long as it needs to take. Learning to wait like this is worth it.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
August is Emerging in the Fluent Self calendar.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
This new kind of waiting is emerging. It’s changing how I want to emerge. I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. Let’s do it.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
The word UNREPENTANT to describe a flower. Wow.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Operation Grants Pass…
Best wish ever! I learned a lot about my fear, and I tried out for the Splash Choir. More importantly, I realized that even if the people who run the splash choir don’t like anything about how I splash, it doesn’t matter at all.
The only thing that mattered is that I allowed my desire to turn into action. I shared things that were vulnerable and scary to admit, I let myself splash.
And, like with so many intimidating experiences, thinking about doing it and almost-doing it were way harder than the thing itself.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 316: the chicken waxes on and off
It is the weekend and we are here.
{a breath for All Timing Is Right Timing}
Even — and maybe even especially when we miss the Friday part of the Friday Chicken because of Life Stuff, in this case because of Operation Gem Springs.
What worked this week?
Using the labyrinth.
I have a tiny labyrinth that I carry with me when I travel.
It’s kind of a pain, the TSA invariably finds it suspicious, and then I forget to use it anyway. But each time I travel, Slightly Wiser Me whispers to me to bring the labyrinth. So I bring it.
This week I remembered to use the labyrinth.
Each day before I leave to work on the op, I choose a quality and I trace the labyrinth focusing on this quality. Confidence. Sweetness. Pleasure. Curiosity. Wonder. Delight.
And then I take the quality with me through my day. I feel more focused, more calm, more alert to what Max calls signs of forming.
Next time I might…
Use the labyrinth in new ways.
The labyrinth is a door. I’m using it as a way to practice conscious entry.
I’m pretty good at doing entry for things that scare me, and this week involved a lot of those.
It’s much harder for me to remember to enter everything with that much intention.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week was all about wax on wax off. In dance, for sure, but also in everything else. I’m in the slow motion montage training sequence and it is so hard. A breath for process.
- I did all the scary things this week. A breath for comfort.
- Got new estimates for the house repairs, and while they are slightly less terrifying, it’s not fun. A breath for perfect simple solutions.
- Still discovering effects and complications from the traumatic middle ear infection in Berlin ten years ago. A breath for my body and for the process of recovery.
- CONFLICTING INFORMATION is the most frustrating thing in the world. This has been happening nonstop all month in dance, but it came to a head this week when an instructor asked me to think “up, up, up-up-up” on a sequence and then handed me over to the next instructor who asked me to think “down, down, down-down-down on the same move before I’d even had a chance to try and apply the first instruction. Ooof. A breath for meeting frustration with patience and maybe even laughter.
- In my stuff about so many things. A loss of confidence. A breath for finding my way through.
- Feeling overwhelmed by choices. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Wax on wax off! Montage! I am learning the things I need to be learning, and making progress and the dedication to meticulousness is paying off. A breath for the joy of visible palpable progress.
- I did all the scary things this week! Go me! Including an audition! Two auditions, since I also tried out for the Splash Choir. Anyone who knows me knows how severely allergic I am to any form of trying out for anything, and I get a hundred trillion sparklepoints for bravery. A breath for courage.
- Getting to play. Also a really thoughtful, sweet, heart-conversation about entry, presence and not falling for anything. A breath for the many different kinds of play that I enjoy, and for getting a bit of all of them at the same tiem.
- Astounding moments of coincidence, during which I met two people I greatly admire, who proceeded, with no prompting from me, to have a discussion about [super secret big wish of mine], and then gave me wonderful encouragement. A breath for magic.
- Sharing a moment, and a moon. A breath for things that are surprising and extraordinary.
- Writing. A breath for saying all the things I want to say.
- Operation Gem Springs. Amazing dance workshops. Wonderful dances. I am finding the treasure. I am trying new things. I am learning and taking care of myself. A breath for everything about this.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. I am learning the things I want to learn. Incoming me is wise and hilarious and gives me good counsel. Red lipstick. Lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Huge progress on the latest Sip Hint Learn, and many Tiny Liberations. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of smiling.
Superpowers I want.
The power of unapologetically and unwaveringly trusting my instinct.
Salve. The Salve of Slow Motion Montage.
When you rub this salve into your skin, you suddenly become much more patient with everything in your life that is in process, in transition, in a state of becoming.
It stops feeling like an endless slog, and instead you are able to feel the wind against your face. The calendar pages are floating past. You are learning skills and accessing information.
One day you’ll back on this as a magical time of growth, even the parts where it has seemed like nothing is moving. It was totally moving. You’re in the training montage sequence.
The more you use this salve, the more you enjoy that process of learning and curiosity, trying and falling, picking yourself back up.
This salve fills you with a soft steady glow, it infuses your life with patience, perspective, perseverance and play.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is called (Foo = X), they do smooth jazz saxophone versions of ska songs, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
My writing/righting retreat is full. (PASSWORD: oneword)
Is this something you would want another chance at doing in the future? Let me know.
You don’t have to think you’re a writer, you don’t have to write, nothing is required other than that you want quiet time to be deeply creative, wildly inspired, and take some mostly self-guided time for internal exploration or whatever appeals to you.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish 266: Operation Grants Pass
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
Oh you guys. This weeks’s wish is so very loaded for me. I’m not even sure how to talk about it.
I think we’re going to need some secret agent code to keep this safe because the monsters are freaking out so hard right now.
Safety First! That’s how we do things.
There was a scholarship thingy.
Let’s not call it that. Anagrams to the rescue! There was a Splash Choir!
The Splash Choir was going to put on a show on a certain date, and to join the choir you had to show up to a practice before that happened.
Incoming me was very clear that she wanted me to splash in this choir. She reminded me over and over about the practice session. She made me write a reminder on a post-it note and put it above my bed.
She told me splashing with the choir would be a transformative experience. She said the parts that seem scary are worth the growth that this experience offers, and that I can kill it in the practice session because this particular kind of splashing is something I’m really good at.
And then I missed the practice session because I was so in my stuff about this that I couldn’t even bring myself to look online to find out when the date was.
What else do I know about this?
I felt bad about not having listened, since her suggestions are ALWAYS on target and they always pay off, and she laughed and said not to worry about it.
She reminded me that I believe in Nothing Is Wrong, and so does she.
We did some practicing related to forgiveness and presence and Now Is Not Then, and talked to some of the monster crew who were very upset about how I’d Screwed Up My Only Opportunity, even though of course they were the ones behind the paralysis of not being able to take a step towards even admitting I wanted the thing I wanted.
And then there was an announcement that the practice session had been postponed for a few days, and I can still make it to the practice session.
What do I know about what I want?
This is about receiving, and my ability to receive.
Which is pretty fitting, because this is my year of Emerging & Receiving, and these are the things I need to figure out, so of course they are stuck right now.
This is also related to my big current Lioness Self adventure*, which has to do with the thing Incoming Me keeps saying:
It. Doesn’t. Matter. What. They. Think.
What do I know about this so far?
There is so much fear for me tied up in asking for help.
Showing up to splash with the choir means being deeply vulnerable. There’s lots of fear about what people will think about me if I get into the choir, especially if that means they don’t get into the choir, because there is only one opening this year.
Right now small scared me is having a lot of trouble believing that it doesn’t matter what they think.
There is fear about misunderstandings, about having to explain myself or defend myself.
There are painful memories about Operation Resilience, when I really, really, really needed help, desperately.
I asked people for help who were not the right people to ask, and they told me that it was selfish of me to ask. And then I stopped asking, and things got really bad.
There is so much pain, so much fear, so much sadness. And: now is not then. Now is new.
What will help with this?
A new frame. What if I stop thinking of it as a scholarship and think of it as a grant instead? I’m going to do splash choir stuff anyway, and this is a way to do more of it.
A grant. Grants Pass. It’s a passage.
Grants Pass came into my mind because this weekend a completely brilliant and crazy series of events happened, and clues were flying all over the place and I was standing there with my jaw on the floor, and then I picked up a flyer about something happening in Grants Pass, Oregon. It seemed like another clue.
Anyway. A grant is a good frame for me. A splash choir is a good frame for me. Language and play. This will help. Operation Grants Pass it is. Or Grants Splash…
You know what else is good? For me, I mean. Asking for reassurance from friends.
Max asked, “Hey do you think they might have extended the deadline just for you?”
Richard said: “It’s not evil or messed up to say YES to a sweet thing life offers you.”
That is a form of asking I can do, and it is helpful.
Baths are helpful. Naps are helpful. Talking to incoming me is helpful. Finding the good is helpful.
Where do I want to start?
I want to work backwards.
Let’s say there’s a version of me who has already gotten into the Splash Choir and feels amazing about it? What can she tell me?
Let’s reverse-engineer this thing.
Anything else?
I can use the Floop.
I can write a love letter.
I can tell a story. I am good at telling stories. I don’t have to tell the whole story. I can tell bits and pieces of a story. I can dance. I can dance this out. In my safe rooms for her, and safe rooms for my fears.
Where do I want to start?
Interview incoming me to find out what she knows.
Skip stones as often as possible.
Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
Use the compass. Eight breaths: one in each direction.
Pleasure. Presence. Ease. Comfort. Emerge. Receive. Glow. Wild.
Say thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: They changed the deadline for the choir because they didn’t find the splasher they wanted. You are the right splasher for this choir. This choir is the right place for you to splash. If that changes, that’s fine. Right now though, this is your beautiful challenge. The win isn’t getting to be in the choir. The win is showing up and saying “YES I WANT TO SPLASH”. And the biggest win will be the point of not caring what anyone thinks about your splashing, but in the meantime it is still a hugely important win to know that you care and still try.
Of course you have pain around this. It’s your stuff. And. There is treasure in this.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
August is Emerging in the Fluent Self calendar.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
This is exactly what I need. I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpower of knowing that it doesn’t matter what they think, and the superpower of receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. So let’s do this.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
Ohmygod this week has been nothing but one clue after another. Brazil, again, and then again. Anchors everywhere. Last week I tried things on for size and this week the shoes that don’t feel good suddenly feel fine.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka lioness self in the isles of lens…
Well, my lessons are here, and I have my work cut out for me. I know what the missions are. Be okay with receiving. Delight in receiving. And know that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks.
Easier said than done, yes? But I know where to start, and I’m doing the work and things are moving and changing. It was the right wish at the right time.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox