What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish #239: Double Agent
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
So I’ve been sick for a week, and it’s been a real call to action. Or a real call to inaction, actually. And the inaction (rest) is the action.
I need more ways to take care of myself.
So. Who is the me who takes exquisite care of herself?
And how subversive is it to take exquisite care of ourselves. It really is.
It doesn’t come easily to me. This mission requires presence, curiosity, commitment, attentiveness, love.
And: Agency.
What do I want?
Let’s assume there is this version of me, an incoming me, who knows how to do this.
She’s the agent.
What else do I know about her?
What other qualities does she have?
Can I wear her costume and her qualities as an aspiration until I become her and we are reunited?
What do I want?
Limbo City Moons.
That’s my secret agent code for Symbolic Motions. Anagrams make the best code.
Tiny steps that bring me closer to what I want.
This code is marvelously appropriate, because right now it feels like I’m in Limbo City, and I don’t like it.
Moon over Limbo City. Or maybe more like: mooning Limbo City.
What do I want?
I can imagine that the me who knows how to take care of herself holds all the qualities that I want.
All the things I’m working on can be contained in this one identity.
What do we know about her?
She loves to dance. She writes. She likes being at home. She makes marionberry smoothies. She naps, unapologetically, all the time. She takes baths. She makes things happen, but very, very quietly.
What do I want?
What if I go into Deep Cover as her!
Or, alternately, I could take all the things I resent because they keep me from doing her things, and make that the cover.
So: two options.
I am current me, in deep cover as Incoming Me.
Or: I am Incoming Me, in deep cover as current me.
Interesting.
What do I want?
So I’m a double agent!
But in a good way.
I am playing two roles as a way to bring two personas together.
And it can be fun.
What do I want?
To play.
To play in community.
To play with people who delight in play.
What do I want?
To do less.
And to have that make space for more. As in: write more, dance more, sleep more, think more, release more, glow more, hum more, find more clues.
What do I want?
To think Deep Cover is the most fun, energizing, joyful thing I have ever done. To delight in the mission.
Where/how do I want to start playing with this?
Finding out how Deep Cover solves all the challenges.
And finding a costume.
Anything else coming up?
Double agenting is not about duplicity. It is about plenty, about multiples and multitudes. About options.
Since I am all the agents, and I am also the Agency (and the quality of Agency), I am never against myself.
This is about using my powers for good, and trying on aspects of me that I haven’t explored yet. It is about reuniting myself with forgotten or lost parts of what I hold.
What are the qualities of my wish?
Spaciousness. Steadiness. Peacefulness. Trust. AGENCY. Delight. Play. Glowing.
What would help me move forward on this? How am I going to play?
If I were going to live for a week as her, what changes would I make?
And: Drawing a crown and a heart on my palm. Crown. Heart.
Clues?
Margins. Ten percent. I can empty out one thing so it can become another, like a playground that turns into a dance studio.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is getting easier, and oh look, miracles everywhere.
- Regular gigs at the (non-metaphorical) ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
Naps and baths and flowers until I feel better. And then, once I feel better: naps and baths and flowers.
Because that is what Havi Who Chooses Sustenance does. She doesn’t just do these things to heal, or because they are doors to what she wants, she does them because they are pleasurable and part of vital aliveness.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka meeting this moment…
My wish had to do with pausing and creating safety, both of which are incredibly important. It gave me a lot of work to do, and it means my programs will be smaller this year, and that is okay. It is about eliminating to support illuminating.
I am trusting the process, both in this particular instance as well as the bigger process of life and aliveness. Making choices in support of what I want. It’s good. And it has brought me to this decision to go into Deep Cover, which is very exciting.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked. Thank you, everyone who said amazing things.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
It is my joy (very much joy) to whisper to you about Operation Sustenance (password: fredastaire). This contains everything I will be offering in 2014. Please spread the word so we can meet our Blodgett and distribute treasure!
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large. In any form you like, there’s no one right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #288: I’m the lookout
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
I got hit with the meanest, craziest virus this week. So the short version of the chicken is: Everything is miserable, except for the fact that I announced the HAT (sparklepoints!) and you can now play with me in 2014. Password: fredastaire
What worked?
Flirting with the Commissioner, who turned out to be the Inside Man on the job.
Or, really, proxies is what worked, again.
I didn’t want to make any progress on a project. So I pretended it was about a spy mission:
The Grand Ball is tonight.
To infiltrate the ball I need an exquisite gown.
Once I have the gown, I know how to dance and I know how to be at a ball, and I know how to flirt with the commissioner. That is all I need to do. That, and be a lookout, for patterns.
And I have to change the code in the vault but that is not a problem because I don’t have to be the one to get in, the commissioner will take me there.
All I have to do now is make sure the Commissioner knows what time to arrive. He is our inside man. We are a team. We are working together. We love to dance, we love to flirt, we love to go to the vault and change the codes. I am crazy about this gown. We can do this.
Letting myself be sick.
I didn’t really have much of a choice, because this thing just knocked me off my feet.
What I mean is: recognizing that this is the right time for me to be in bed doing nothing.
It got so bad that I even tried Richard’s honey-lemon-ginger concoction. I haven’t had honey in fourteen years, and my body freaked out. Loud awkward honey burps. Lots of them. N said it sounded like Tom Waits gargling Pop Rocks.
But hey, whatever helps. And my throat wanted the honey, even though the rest of me most emphatically did not.
Next time I might…
Talk to Incoming Me.
I got so much good stuff once I asked for her help.
Actually, I hired her to be my consultant.
A wise thing a dance teacher said this week.
Chris: “Once you can do something, look for: all the different ways can I do this.”
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So sick. So much pain. Most of this week was spent in bed coughing up goo and hurting. Did you ever see the movie The Young In Heart? Roland Young is pretending to be a colonel who was with the Bengal Lancers in the great war. Someone suggests that he probably suffered mustard gas attacks. He says, “I imagine I rather wheeeeeeeeeeze”. That was me this week, except so much worse. A breath for this.
- Huge misunderstanding on Saturday with the Spy Who Loves Me, so hard. A breath for connection, and losing it and finding it.
- Still playing with letting go of W. A breath for getting used to this.
- I forgot someone’s name this week. I thought someone named Bree was named Belinda. While the person in question (yes, Bree) did not find out about this, REMEMBERING THINGS is what I am best at. It is a blessing and a curse, and I remember everything. This threw me for such a loop, I had the biggest Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about What If All My Superpowers Disappear. A breath for forgetting truth, and also for forgetting Bree.
- Being ill meant having to miss all the intro sessions for four different dance courses that began this week. A breath for sadness.
- It is really hard to tell what my body needs when it is all, wah fog unclear ooof everything hurts can’t move. A breath for not knowing, and discomfort…
- I know what I want, not sure how to get there. A breath for pathways.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Sleeping peacefully again. A breath for knowing that this is treasure.
- Love, adoration and sweetness. The spy who loves me is the spy who loves me. A breath for feeling relieved and happy.
- Being insanely sick means I got to stay in bed and do lots of nothing all week, which is exactly what I need. A breath for gifts that don’t look like gifts. And: This too shall pass.
- Everything that happened dance-wise before I got sick. An amazing workshop called Dips, Drops and Endings. A breath for seeing progress, this is wonderful.
- An ex of mine texted me, thinking I was someone else, and then was mortified. I was delighted to realize that I was perfectly okay. Yes, someone else gets called sweetheart now. Yes, those loving words were not for me. And this is fine. A breath for right timing.
- A very fun idea for the Ballroom that Alon and I had. A breath for possibility.
- Soup. And friends. Richard brought roasted red pepper soup from New Seasons and then I ate it all, and then he made a batch of something like it. Marisa brought soup. Nick send a soup emoticon, which weirdly helps. A breath for feeling safe and loved.
- We were able to announce the HAT!!!! All my hard work over the past four months came together, and we have the whole year planned out, with lots of amazing offerings and treasure. Password: fredastaire
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
My op this week was Operation Announce The Hat.
And I have an idea for my ballroom.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of Trusting The Process.
Superpowers I want.
The power of release.
Salve.
The salve of Playfulness.
This salve is what helped me flirt with the commissioner when I got stuck on my big project (and what helped me realize that the commissioner and I are allies and equals).
As soon as you apply it, everything becomes lighter, more lighthearted. You are suddenly able to think in color, in metaphor, in costume. Instead of having “problems” that need to be “dealt with”, suddenly there are missions and wockawocks to explore, learn about and play with.
Basically this salve turns everything into Rally!
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Noelle:
Just One Something.
Hilariously, it is….tada….just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
You guys! I need help from you in two different ways.
The first is that if you are interested in helping us with the Sustenance mission — our not-so-secret secret mission this year where we meet our Blodgett and distribute treasure, yay!
The second is that I am going to need lots of help spreading the word about this. I am super sick and have no bandwidth for promoting it right now. Tell your friends and people you like about the work of self-fluency that we do here. Bring more people in to play.
Here is the link for Operation Sustenance, which holds everything I will be offering in 2014.
–> Password: fredastaire
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Hahahahaha!
A year ago I stopped speaking.
And so now I just laugh.
Hahahahaha!
Yes, well.
Some people take silence very seriously.
For me, one of the greatest surprises of living quietly is that my silence has made everything funny. It has infused life with hilarity.
Even things that didn’t used to be funny. Like misunderstandings. Or missing the bus. Or not knowing what to do in a social situation.
Silence has also made things very, very simple. Simple and funny.
So the sound of laughter will be my H word right now. Even though I have recently noticed that I often laugh silently now as well.
The sound of laughter is fitting, because last week was Rally (Rally!), and it was Rally H, and it was hilarious.
Let’s have some H words.
There’s hello, which is entry.
There are all the different kinds of healing. Self-fluency is healing. Sustainable healing.
There are havens, which are sometimes in hollows. Places to hide. Hiding and hidden.
Help, when you need it. To hold and be held.
Harmony: both song and harmonious interactions of all forms. Humor and hilarity, which are healing too.
Home, and the all the ways that things can be homes for other things. Also house, as both noun and verb. Hoppy house, my house, which my uncle Svevo always calls Happy house. Happy.
To host, to be hospitable, to welcome.
To hunt, in the sense of looking for clues. Or bounty.
Huzzah! A joyful sound that is useful when you have just found clues or bounty.
Feeling healthy. (Without bullshit societal rules about what that looks like.)
Hesitation, in dance, is a move that allows you to flow. It is a form of intentional pause.
Honesty, which can be both funny and kind. Honesty also knows about how not everything requires a response.
Honoring, a word that is related to kindness, legitimacy and acknowledging.
Heat, and passion and sexiness and all that goes along with that.
Heart and hope.
Heart. Hope.
Head, like wisdom. And also: we’ll head them off at the pass! Like in a Western.
Headspace (and headspace protectors, which is what I call headphones).
Hugs, which are important.
Hail, as in to call. And hail, as in to hail from. This will always make me think of Laurie, who hails from Atlanta and says so, with a giggle.
Heave ho, as in Give It The Old. Thank you, Max.
And also like in the sea shanties we sing at Rally: Heave ‘er up, me bully bully boys. Heave away, haul away.
Halo: lightness.
Happening: this moment, it is happening. Right now. And also a happening like a party.
Holiday! Like vacation. And the Madonna song.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Humming. And getting back to my happy hum.
Also honey, and all the superpowers of honey. Or: the superpowers that come with Being Honey.
Hot air balloons. Hullabaloo! Horcrux! Hexagonal, another word I like a lot.
H is handful, and being a handful, and taking a handful.
H is hands and the ability to handle.
Hustle, which is my favorite dance right now. Three count hustle. It is hot.
H is for the secret holiness of everything: holy holiness.
Hints and hinting: like clues. Clues that are hidden.
My name begins with H, and so this Rally is also be a healing for thousands of Havis, past and incoming.
Habits: establishing a new groove to follow.
I care about this practice so deeply, it is my passion and my like-an-obsession, and the reason I started this business, almost nine years ago.
And here is a hint (yes) about habits: they don’t need to be broken, just listened to with openness and sweetness.
You can rewrite a habit or create a new groove, and let the old one dissolve. No breaking is required. Breaking is a lot more work than replacing, and way more work than allowing-to-dissolve.
It is a week of H, that sound that isn’t always heard.
You have to listen for it. That’s what the quiet is for. So you can hear what no one else can hear, what is incoming, and also how it echoes:
Hello, hello, hello.
May it be so! And come play with me.
Thank you, letter H.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with H, go for it.
If you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, you can.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with H, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish #238: Meeting this moment.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
Hmmm, I thought I knew what I wanted this week, and it is turning into something else, and I need to process that.
I thought I wanted to meet one thing, and it turns out I am meeting something else so that I can meet the first thing. It all needs to be met.
I am also noticing how upset and frustrated I am feeling vis a vis this situation, so let’s start with that.
What do I want?
I want to remember that Nothing Is Wrong.
All my feelings are legitimate, just by virtue of the fact that I am experiencing them.
This situation, like all situations, will turn out to have been remarkably useful, and slightly future me will glow a thank you from our thank-you-heart that it was like this.
I want to make space for ALL THIS FEELING. And to release whatever parts of the intensity are not about now. If past-me is still raging about other things, let’s make a safe room for her.
What do I want?
I want to find out who is feeling all this hurt, pain and frustration? This helplessness?
Ah, it is bartender me. No, it’s more specific than that: those two years — five nights a week — in a dive in south Tel Aviv. Omri and Oded and all the old men ordering me around so that I could be the ball in their twisted neverending psychological ping pong with each other. Endless manipulations.
Safe room, safe room.
My love. This was a long, long time ago. Omri has no power over us, and he never did, we just thought he did. Omri is dead. Actually, everyone from then is probably dead. They all smoked four packs of cigarettes a day and were deeply invested in drinking themselves to death.
We have skills now that we didn’t have then, that we didn’t even know about then. We have boundaries now that we didn’t have then. We have the beautiful healthy boundaries salve from Friday. We are held. Now is not then.
And do you know, hurting-me-from-then who is the treasure of my heart? We were held then too, we just didn’t know it. We didn’t know how to feel into it.
Like in dance when your partner has a hand lightly on your shoulder. You only really feel it once you connect, when you sink into it and relax into being held, while still maintaining control of your own balance. Then: magic.
What do I want?
I want to pause.
I want to end this cycle of burnout and creating more work for myself.
Ah, that’s it. I dislike that this need for safety is making me do more work. And yet sometimes that’s how it is. Or appears to be, at least.
Is this true? Let’s ask what is true and what is also true.
Déjà vu. I am pretty sure I have written this entire post before, word for word. And maybe I have, maybe I have been writing it for years.
What do I want?
I want my dance studio (this is a proxy) to feel deliciously safe. The dance studio is actually my fishing village which is not a fishing village.
I do not want to have to do any more work to ensure that this is the case.
What do I want?
In a dance studio, there are certain things that provide safety for everyone dancing there.
One part is basic etiquette: maintaining line of dance (everyone moves counterclockwise around the floor) so you go in the same direction as your fellow dancers instead of crashing into them.
The other part is understanding how to do a basic pattern in such a way that you aren’t yanking on people or moving them in a way that could compromise their back and shoulders. So that you are holding yourself up and allowing yourself to be held at the same time. Even while people are still working on the subtleties of this, as long as they are traveling in line of dance, everything is fine.
In my five years running this dance studio, I’ve learned everything there is to know about offering clear explanations for how to do this.
We explain it before people even sign up. And then we help them remember.
We have signs posted. We’ve taught dozens of classes on this and made the recordings available. I even designed a special orientation program for new dancers that walks them through dance safety.
And this issue is even more important than before because we are all dancing at a much higher level now. When you’re just doing basics it isn’t the end of the world if you crash into someone because you weren’t following line of dance. It isn’t ideal, but no one gets hurt. You just apologize.
At a higher level, not respecting line of dance endangers everyone. We are doing complicated maneuvers and I can’t have anyone getting injured.
What do I want?
I want the counterclockwise line of dance to be respected, without doing more explaining about it.
When I opened registration for the studio this year, I gave the world’s clearest explanation. I said: my sweet loves, do not come dance with us this year unless you are onboard with this principle.
The entire studio is set up around this principle of safety. We live by it.
What do I want?
So last week someone showed up at the studio who had made the choice to not dance or practice, which is a legitimate choice.
I don’t require anyone to dance, or even to watch. I trust in All Timing Is Right Timing, and I know that there are many different ways to receive the gifts of dance and of my magical studio without even moving. Everyone’s relationship to dance and personal process with being a dancer is different.
Anyway, he came by and sprinted across the room, ignoring line of dance and our shared principle of safe dance space. I know, it was bizarre.
There are seriously signs everywhere that say, “hey, guys, this is the direction that we dance in so people don’t get hurt”. Also you can see everyone doing it.
I’m not talking about someone spacing out and going the wrong way in a moment of “oh whoops, sorry, I forgot”, which could absolutely happen. I mean complete disregard for the dancers and the studio.
The dancers at my studio are incredibly capable dancers, and they all just gracefully moved out of the way, or were able to not react at all. Some of them even tried to make room for him. That’s lovely. I’m proud of our dance culture. And it still isn’t okay.
While all dancers share in the responsibility for safe dancing and we are all equals, I built the studio, and I need to make choices that support the safety of everyone. So I decided that for year 6, I need to invite dancers I know and trust, so we can practice dancing at a higher level without the danger of running into people.
What do I want?
I am not in the mood to make invitations.
This process of invitations creates a lot more work for me, and I have no energy for more work. I shouldn’t have to be doing this work. This work should not be necessary. I am not in the mood to do it.
I just want to throw a temper tantrum and yell NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR.
Which I might. Except that doesn’t resolve the wockawock of “I can’t have a situation where there is anyone in the studio who doesn’t respect the line of dance”, so I also want a solution to that.
I guess I want a way to make doing invitations fun. Or I want to not have to do it.
What do I want?
Peacefulness.
May peacefulness prevail.
What do I want?
I want to be like Susan, one of my actual real-life dance instructors, who holds beautiful boundaries for her classes.
What do I want?
Here is an interesting or unusual thing about my studio:
I view the dancers there as my equals. I don’t believe that I am a “more gifted” dancer, I’ve just danced longer than many dancers, and devoted a lot of years to thinking about dance and studying it.
The wisdom and beauty and grace of dance are available for ALL OF US.
We are all practicing. We are all inventing new movements. There is nothing special about my movements and patterns. The specialness is in the fact that we can all invent movements and patterns. We are all creative geniuses, and we can all tune into the universal sea of dance wisdom.
I want my world to be filled with people who delight in this.
Where/how do I want to start playing with this?
Well, I guess I will dance.
Anything else coming up?
I am asking for a Perfect Simple Solution, to all of this. And the superpower of Everything Is Useful, Including Things That Appear To Be Obstacles.
What are the qualities of my wish?
Calm. Steadiness. Peacefulness. Trust. Composure. Delight. Play. Readiness.
What would help me move forward on this? How am I going to play?
Interviewing slightly-future-me who has already resolved this. Drawing a crown and a heart on my palm. Thinking: Crown. Heart.
What is my clue?
Harmony. It is in my tea.
Anything else?
When do I like invitations? When I am invited to the commissioner’s ball, where I get to be the belle (and the bell!) of the ball….
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is getting easier, and oh look, miracles everywhere.
- Regular gigs at the (non-metaphorical) ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
Solving this wockawock about invitations. I’m playing with: “What is the wockawock? Whose wockawock is it? What opportunities/treasure does this wockawock provide?”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka I was having this discussion in a taxi heading downtown…
My wish had to do with Graceland and my fishing village, finding grace and glowing love, and boundaries. Exploring this wish has been amazing, and I know it helped me uncover some of my current frustration, which will lead me to…even more grace. And it also helped me do something really important.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked. Thank you, everyone who said amazing things.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
It is my joy (very much joy) to whisper to you about Operation Sustenance (password: fredastaire). This contains everything I will be offering in 2014. Please spread the word so we can meet our Blodgett and distribute treasure!
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large. In any form you like, there’s no one right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #287: held
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
Ritual.
This week had lots of PTSD triggers for me, and then terrifying nightmares.
I brought back some rituals for entering sleep, and asked the spy who loves me to invent one for me too.
I have no idea what it involved, because all I remember is the thought, “I smell sage, a word that also means wise…”
The next thing I knew, nine hours had passed and it was morning. I couldn’t remember a single dream, and I felt amazing.
No screaming, no waking up at all until sleep was done.
Waiting.
I finished a mission, and didn’t feel ready to tell people about it. Finished the Hat for all the things I’m doing in 2014, and didn’t feel ready to share it. So I waited.
I did a lot of waiting this week, and waiting was the exact right move.
Next time I might…
Trust the waiting.
I had a lot of Stuff (and all the time gremlins) about waiting.
Especially since I know lots of people are waiting for the thing I am not-announcing while I am doing my own waiting.
I knew that this was the right move, and I doubted it at the same time.
And then of course it was.
A wise thing a dance teacher said this week.
Susan: “Use the floor. Don’t walk on it. Use it. Partner with it.”
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Waking up screaming. Nightmares and more nightmares. A breath for release and remembering that now is not then. And: A breath for not taking on the pain of the world.
- The Spy Who Loves Me was super in his stuff this week, and we had two nights of painful misunderstandings. A breath for presence and love.
- This whole letting go of W is still a lot of work. A breath for process.
- The spy who loves me threw a (metaphorical) shoe while he was feeling upset. A breath for loving someone while not putting up with shoes.
- Someone at the Floop had a shoe-throwing fit too, which is completely incongruent with the culture. Pretty tired of that thing when, in reaction to my intentional avoidance of pedestals, someone tries to simultaneously put me on one and knock me off. A breath for compassionate powerful boundaries.
- Deep indecision, which turned out to be a very clear decision that I didn’t want to see. A breath for change, and for trusting that All Timing Is Right Timing…
- Sexist bullshit driving me crazy this week, and in the unlikeliest places. I was at a dance class this week where the teacher (a woman, about my age), taught a move in Foxtrot by saying, “Ladies, imagine there is a shoe sale in the far corner, now point your head that way as the lead swivels you and say oh look a shoe sale, now come back the other way and ask the man for his credit card.” SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS. A breath for astonishment, and for hope.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Lots of healing, and then two consecutive nights of sweet deep sleep. A breath for transition.
- When the spy who loves me was in his stuff, I knew it was not about me and did not make it about me. I let him be in his stuff, and I met it with love, and I was also clear about what is not okay. A breath for advanced practice.
- When the person in the Floop was in his stuff, I knew it was not about me and did not take it personally. I was also able to observe the skills my community has gained, as well as some pieces of practice that aren’t in place yet, which helps me make changes for next year. A breath for the teaching and the learning, and for gifts that don’t look like gifts.
- Dance dance dance dance dance! I skipped a samba class I didn’t want, and took the class I wanted instead. All my classes this week (with the exception of Crazy Sexist Foxtrot) were thoroughly enjoyable. A breath for dance solving everything, just like Incoming Me said it would.
- I edited and edited and edited, and got the Hat down to 1000 words, exactly. A breath for my smile when that happened.
- A huge realization about being Held, and that I am always Held. That it doesn’t matter if I set off on the voyage before having Solved All The Problems, because I am Held, and I have companions to help solve them with me. A breath for joyful laughter.
- So much delight this week. Secret spirals at Rally, with impossible choreographies. Texting with my former Partner In Crime in California. A breath for feeling safe and loved.
- This week is Rally (Rally!), and I had so many marvelous epiphanies and huge results. A breath for fractal flowers.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
My op this week was Operation Ready The Hat, and I nailed it.
Plus new events now happening at my ballroom.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had some more fire snake superpowers this week, and the superpower of Deeply Knowing That This Is Not About Me.
Superpowers I want.
Setting Boundaries Is Fun.
Salve.
The salve of clean, clear healthy boundaries.
This salve softens rules. It infuses your space with protection. It makes the edges glow in such a way that you know where they are. It sets up a force field that lets in beautiful qualities, in just the right amount, and it doesn’t let in anything that doesn’t need to be there.
It is comfortable and comforting, at the same time. You put it on, and you perceive that you have more space. You have the superpower of Distinctions: this, not that. You have the superpower of trusting your edges, of taking up as much space as you need.
It suddenly occurs to you (and everyone else) that your space should be respected. Because it should.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Vanessa:
Kazoo Fueled Riot.
It’s a cello band, actually. And it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am so happy to let you know about Operation Sustenance, which holds everything I will be offering in 2014.
Password: fredastaire
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.