The Fluent Self

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

Visions #222: yes, I would like to accidentally win some things

by Havi Brooks | Oct 6, 2013 | my personal practice

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

It’s two two two week. Tutu Too week.

Or as I said in the two hundred and twenty second Friday Chicken: Tutus for everyone! Three twos for everyone!

TWO! TWO! TOO!

What do I want.

This concept of Accidentally Winning is blowing my mind right now.

Okay, so this woman accidentally won a marathon.

On the one hand, this is an absolutely ridiculous way to describe an achievement: this woman trained her ass off, and there is nothing accidental about crazy-hard hard work.

On the other hand, the point is: she didn’t intend to run the full marathon. She thought she was running a half-marathon, and had never even done the full run. She won a thing she had never tried. I love this.

I am feeling very excited and inspired by the idea of What If This Thing I’m Doing Turns Into This Other Thing.

Or: What If I Think I’m Doing Great At Y, But Actually I Just Nailed Z, The Thing I Wasn’t Even Working Towards.

This might be the world’s best superpower. In fact, it is the superpower I want for the next Rally, and possibly also for the rest of my life.

I would like to accidentally have amazing accomplishments, while I am purposefully having other amazing accomplishments.

And no, I do not have to define accomplishment, even though my monsters are like, “Accomplish? Really? Hmmmmmm.”

What else do I know about this?

You could not pay me to run. Not even around the block. But I don’t have to run to accidentally win a (metaphorical) marathon!

And here are the questions I want to ask myself:

What else is like a marathon?
What does it mean to do something without trying?
When have I experienced something like this?
What does this remind me of?
What are some things I would like to accidentally-achieve?
How can I do this without pushing? Without the motivational bullshit?

What will help with this?

I think I want to try this on, like a costume.

Because everything is a costume.

I want to wear this idea of accidentally winning.

I want to wrap myself up in the qualities of “I am working really hard towards X but whoa I just totally also got Y”.

I want to breathe in POSSIBILITY. Tingly, sweet anticipation. The glowing sparks of WHAT IF MAYBE YES.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Possibility. Play. Presence. Pleasure. Plenty. Prosperity. Purpose. Palpable.

And the superpower of Really Good Surprises.

Quelle Surprise!

What might help?

Interviewing the me who does things accidentally and also works towards what she wants at the same time.

Purpose and Not-Purpose. Action and Resting. Showing Up and also Napping. Effort and Effortlessness.

At the same time.

Also I would like to note that Accidentally-Winning is something else that starts with an a.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

Progress on the ops!
Miracles everywhere.
The ballroom has its own magic, just like the Spiegelsaal.
This doesn’t require my input!
Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
Past me is a GENIUS.
I sleep like the happiest baby.
I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
Hawaii.
People are signing up for Rally (RALLY!), and planning the rallies is super fun and exciting.
I can see why this moment is good.
Trust and steadiness.

This week’s ops?

The life of a Chocolatier
Operation Extra-Extra Chocolate Sprinkles
The MAGIC EIGHT BALL REASONS
Operation A Loved Little Thing, take 3
Operation Agent Agent
Mission: I Have A Vision!

I’m playing with…

Mapping and napping. Dancing it out.

Request!

Can you help support our magical Red Rose Ballroom by liking it on Facebook? And spreading the word about the Red Rose Ballroom to anyone you know who might want to run events or programs or parties in Portland?

Announcement!

Do you want to be on the STANDBY list for Rally?

There is a STANDBY list for Rally (Rally!)

If you have the availability to come at the last minute, we occasionally have super deals so get on the list.

Rally B is full, but get on the list so we can sneak you into a November Rally at a VERY discounted rate. Also, I was supposed to miss one of the November Rallies but things moved around, and I will be rallying it up for ALL of them!

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka do I want the thing that I think I want?

Me of last week was so brilliant.

I asked to treat myself the way I want to be treated, which brought me to my quest for ASSERTIVENESS, which was the quality I devoted myself to at Rally (Rally!).

This was nothing less than incredible. I learned so many wonderful things about Assertiveness, including that the word itself secretly contains the words VASTNESS and VASTNESSES. Anagrams, again.

Many forms of vastness, multiple kinds of infinity. Love.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Friday Chicken #271: Roxy all the time

by Havi Brooks | Oct 4, 2013 | stuff I think about

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

It is Friday and we are here.

With the glorious (glorrrrrrrrrrrious!) return of the wham boom.

What worked?

Being Roxy.

At Rally (rally!) this week, I decided my name was Roxanne. So everyone called me Roxy. I was also Roxy while not physically at Rally. I was Roxy all the time.

It turns out the Roxy is Assertive Me.

It also turns out that Roxy is completely different from me (in ways other than being assertive), and that was fun.

Roxy had us chop three inches off our hair, and now we look like Kelly McGillis in Top Gun.

Roxy wanted her nails painted and it had to happen right that minute. She didn’t have time for me to turn over all the bottles and read the names. I like the name of the color to mean something to me. Roxy wanted a rich and sparkling copper and didn’t even look to see what it was called.

Roxy turned a long tank top into a dress. She wore horizontal stripes (red and white), and long necklaces. She didn’t want to use any of my music for the Compelling Spirals at Rally. She wanted Maneater by Hall and Oates. And hip hop. Of course she did.

Roxy pointed out why all the [things that are not working] are not working. It’s because I am trying to placate people and give them what I think they want, instead of figuring out what I want. Roxy wants me to start acting like I care about what I want.

Being Roxy was the best.

Schmooey anagrams.

Schmoonagrams!

I had all this typing up to do and didn’t want to do it.

Here is the cutest-ever anagram for Typing It Up:

Tiny Pug Tip.

A google image search for Tiny Pug Tip revealed a wall of sweetness. Every time I had to type a thing up, I looked at these pictures and went SCHMOO SCHMOO SCHMOO because these are the cutest little schmoos ever.

I really don’t mind doing a little Tiny Pug Tip. That is so much more fun than [Typing It Up].

Being a spy.

Wearing the shirt that says RIDE and features a bicycle (even though I don’t have a bicycle), and carrying a camera bag that doesn’t have a camera in it (I don’t have a camera either). I was in disguise in disguise in disguise…

Next time I might…

Ask the important question. Roxy’s question.

I did lots of things I didn’t want this week, mostly because I thought I should, or I assumed I would want it and didn’t check in to see if I actually did in that moment.

What do I want?

This needs to be the first question. Roxy thinks it’s the only question. What do I want?

Even if I can’t immediately act on it. At least I know. And I will also know what the qualities are, so that I can bring them to the things I don’t want that I am doing anyway.

Patience.

Even though this is my twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth Rally, I still forget how it takes over my life.

I expect myself to still be able to do things like …laundry. But it doesn’t work that way.

Forgiveness and patience. Less blame. Less expectation. More acknowledging that Rally is a big wonderful shaking-up-of-everything, and should be treated as such.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

The dance class I took that was supposedly for Absolute Beginners, which turned out to mean “people who have had years of formal training in dance but maybe not with this particular method”. A breath for Outsider Complex and the distress of not being sure what to do or how to do it.
Gathering. Lots of being around people or in groups of people. Not at Rally, this totally works for me at Rally. Other situations. A breath for being a highly sensitive person who has trouble in gatherings.
Learning how to be assertive. A breath for bravery and for the pain of regret.
The headache that would not go away all week. A breath for dealing with heavy things.
The massive pile I’ve been avoiding for six months, and the fear of iguanas hiding within. A breath for this.
There was not a lot of room (in all the meanings of that word) for yoga this week, and this was hard on both my body and my mental state. A breath for remembering that it’s all yoga.
Big doubt about being The Reluctant Chocolatier. Knowing there has to be another option but not being able to figure out what it is. A breath for feeling deeply unsure.
Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

The dance class I took (while very much not for Absolute Beginners) reaffirmed my love of dance, play, creativity and aliveness. I liked pretending to be a radiant sun. I still do not know what the instruction “feel the movement of your spine in the skin of your ears” means, and I am not sure about my hilariously experimental post-modern pirouettes, but I feel good about taking my body to play. A breath for delight and play, and for remembering that Outsider Complex is a distortion that separates me from other people, who are all experiencing the same distortion in their own ways.
My wonderful uncle Svevo spent the weekend with me, and while I didn’t get to spend nearly as much time with him as I wanted to, it was so beautiful having him there. A breath of joyful appreciation.
While I am not a fan of gathering, I got to gather with all my favorite people. A breath for companionship and love.
Rally!!! Rally is so damn great. A breath for magic.
All the amazing things that happened at Rally! The giant pile that I’ve been avoiding for six months got taken care of in less than a day! Huge realizations. Problem-solving. Laughter. Everything is good again. A breath for miracles.
Being Roxy. Discovering these aspects of me that I did not know about. Also I was Assertive (the intention I set for Rally) in dealing with an Encroacher, and it worked. Their encroachment plans were FOILED, and I stood up for myself, and I do not even know how to explain what a big deal this is. A breath of appreciation and delight .
Being loved. A breath for that.
Thanks to something that happened at Rally, I am no longer upset about a thing I have been upset about for nearly two years. A breath for releasing.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

~~Undercover: The Great ReBorking~~
~~Mission: Songs of the Sea~~
~~Operation A of A~~
~~Orientation Agent Agent~~
~~List of Things That Used Be Done By Havi That Now Anyone Can Do~~
~~This week’s Mission I Have A Vision, Pre-emptively~~
~~Operation Iguanarama~~
~~The Richard Brautigan Wing of Fascinating Scraps in the Museum of Bells~~

WHAM BOOM!

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

The superpowers of Persistence, Curiosity, wearing horizontal stripes, knowing what I wanted.

Also the superpower of nachos.

And a superpower I want next week.

The superpower of having brilliant ideas and recognizing them. The superpower of starting from what I want instead of hoping that I maybe eventually end up there at some point.

Salve.

The salve of quietly radiating your power.

It is like an internal hum that is also a sun. Not just solar plexus but the entire torso, the entire core, radiating out to the extremities. And this sun radiates whatever it is you crave. For example: Assertiveness, in my case. Or Sweetness or Comfort or Spaciousness or Shelter or whatever it is you need.

Then you are a radiant sun of that quality, so that it is there for you when you need it. Instead of contracting and contracting because of [life-stuff]. You radiate first, before you need it.

This salve starts that process. It smells like a minty tea. It is slightly warm to the touch. It glows.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is via Richard:

Mustache Alignment Problems

This is obviously a local band — they make Portlandian noise.

And yes. It’s just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.

You guys you guys you guys!

There is a STANDBY list for Rally (Rally!)

If you have the availability to come at the last minute, we occasionally have deals so get on the list.

Rally B is full, but get on the list so we can sneak you into a November Rally. Also, I was supposed to miss one of the November Rallies but things moved around, and I will be rallying it up for all of them!

AND. If you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

It starts with an A…

by Havi Brooks | Oct 1, 2013 | stuff I think about

I am thinking about a word and it starts with an A.

Actually, I am thinking about many words that start with A.

This is reminding me a bit of trying to figure out the real name of the Schmoppet, which might or might not begin with a C.

Is it Alabaster?

Nope.

But that is a lovely word that begins with A.

And I am really into lovely words that begin with A. At least, this week I am.

Is it …Aardvark?

We used to sing this song at socialist summer camp. Probably it is sung at all summer camps?

It starts with an ‘A’ — Aardvark, Aardvark
And ends with a ‘K’ — Aardvark, Aardvark
Not easy to say — Aardvark, Aardvark
But try anyway — Aardvark, Aardvark
A-A-R-D-V-A-R-K — Aardvark!

There is a Voyage that begins with an A.

I am really into entry: preparing for a voyage.

The assumption here is that anything at all can be a voyage. Just like how anything can be a door or a home or a project.

And just as anything can be a voyage, anything can have qualities that define it, inform it, accompany it, infuse it with goodness.

We can call these the qualities of the voyage.

Qualities of the [Voyage that begins with an A] that begin with an A.

Well, some of them. Qualities and magic words.

Anchor
Allowing
Access
Appreciation
Anticipation
Activation… Activate!
Action
Adaptability
Acceptance
Alignment
Affection
ADORATION
Accessibility
Aspiration
Admiration
Ability
Awe
Assurance
Adventure
Ascent
Annoint
Attune
Availability
Alertness
Accompaniment
Abundance
Authority
Axis
Art
Amnesty
Agility
Attentiveness
Assertiveness
Authenticity
Autonomy
Adjustment
Agency (my current favorite, as a spy who is an agent who has AGENCY and also works for the Agency of Agency)

Not to mention the wonderful superpower of Asking and Answering. And the superpower of Arcs and Arks. Archways and Apertures.

And other fun A things. Like anagrams, alliteration, allegory, acronyms. Arabesques and acrobatics. And aardvarks.

Rallying around the A.

This week is Rally (Rally!), which is my favorite thing in the world.

It is the first Rally that we’ve had since April.

And the VERY first Rally of the Alphabet Carousel Rallies. It is the A of the Alphabet.

It is going to be amazing, because Rally is always amazing, but also because these Rallies are exceptionally amazing, and also amazing is a word I like that begins with A.

I will tell you later (sooner, I hope) about some of the specific things that are making these new Rallies extra-amazing, but for now I am going to delight in things that start with A.

I am going to wear the aspiration of Assertiveness. Not just that: I am going to ABSORB it. ASSERTIVENESS is going to be the secret mission of this Rally. It will be my Ambition. It will be the Ambience. I will be Alert to it.

I am going to apply additives. I am going to have an affair with an apple. I will ascertain and adjourn, acquire and acquiesce. According to the As.

It is just the beginning. Of the alphabet, and of all kinds of other things.

Play with me. How the commenting blanket fort works!

We can name things that begin with A.

We can enjoy these qualities and magic-words, or add more (addition, another wonderful word that begins with A!) of our own.

If you want to whisper-whoosh any qualities that appeal to you, go for it.

If you want to share in any of qualities, you can. They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.

If you want to throw some superpowers into the pot for Rally, that is welcome.

Waving from the Playground! Whispering loving spells that begin with A and A and A, for myself, and for anyone who wants…

Visions #221: do I want the thing that I think I want?

by Havi Brooks | Sep 29, 2013 | my personal practice

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Do I want the thing that I think I want?

Isn’t that always the question…

This question is relevant to many things I am currently working on at the moment, and I am going to use one example and let it stand in for all the other things.

I have this wish to be green.

Not green, not exactly. To have a bright green light that people can see that shows that I am too busy to do any of the things they want to invite me to do.

I have this wish to be visible.

Not visible, not exactly.

I have this wish that people in my life could see — literally see with their eyes — how [insert string of Arabic curse words here] stressed and busy I am right now.

For example, if I were the actual captain of an actual ship, trying to make the harrowing journey around Cape Horn without the ship crashing onto the rocks, my friends would not say things like “Hey Havi, do you want to do this thing?” They would help. Or get out of my way.

Or if I were the captain of the fire department and the town was on fire.

Of if I were the CEO of a large company, and had to let go of thousands of employees.

Or if I was at the bedside of an ill loved one.

I keep wanting to say, help or get out of the way.

I keep thinking I want some way for people to SEE. So they could think, ah got it, code very-very-green, the lantern is glowing, this is not a good time to bring something to Havi, unless it is either helpful to the mission or supportive of Havi getting more rest so she can do the mission.

But is that what I want?

What else do I know about this?

I have a deep need for appreciation and acknowledgment
I want my pain to be seen! But not too much!
this is related to the Inherited Pattern Of Secretiveness.
hmmm maybe I need to treat myself the way I want other people to treat me, to let my situation be a big deal to me, and not brush it off…
processing helps, stone-skipping helps, dancing helps, walking helps, water helps, so why am I not doing these things first?
time for myself: if I don’t take it, no one is going to give it to me, I could be better at insisting on it
quiet is hard to come by right now because of (circumstances), so what am I going to do about that?
basically, this is all about taking action and setting up what I need, instead of feeling frustrated when other people are not seeing what I want them to see…
trust more
this is temporary
everything will be better soon
I don’t have to know what I want in order to take care of myself, I can try things.

What will help?

If the thing that I want is to be taken seriously, whatever that means….

And if the thing that I really want is to take myself seriously, whatever that means…

And if the way I take things seriously is through playing…

Then I am going to PLAY. With seriousness.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Same compass as the last weeks, the qualities of the compass of Operation Jewel Star, now combined with the Vicarage compass:

VITAL Replenishing. INTERNAL Play. GOLDEN COMPASS of Presence. ALIGNING with Pleasure. RESETTING Plenty. ACCESSING my Radiance. GLOWING Receptivity. ENERGY that is Resonant.

And the superpower of I Get To Receive The Radiant Sweet Essence Of What I Want, Even If My Guess About What I Really Want Is Off Base.

What might help?

Interviewing the me who takes herself seriously, or: who treats herself the way she wants to be treated. There has to be some part of me who knows how this works, right?

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code or silent retreat. Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

Progress on the ops!
Miracles everywhere.
The ballroom has its own magic, just like the Spiegelsaal.
This doesn’t require my input!
Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
Past me is a GENIUS.
I sleep like the happiest baby.
I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
Hawaii.
People are signing up for Rally (RALLY!), and planning the rallies is super fun and exciting.
I can see why this moment is good.
Trust and steadiness.

This week’s ops?

The life of a Chocolatier
Operation Extra-Extra Chocolate Sprinkles
The MAGIC EIGHT BALL REASONS
Operation A Loved Little Thing, take 3
Operation The A of A
Mission: I Have A Vision!

Or, possibly, I take a look at the giant box of iguanas instead. Have an internal treasure hunt.

Here is my plan: I do what I can, and trust that whatever happens is good.

I’m playing with…

Mapping and napping. Dancing it out. Taking it to Rally (Rally!) this week, I am very excited about this.

Request!

Announcement!

Do you want to be on the STANDBY list for Rally?

We have a fantastic deal available for the B Rally, the second of the Alphabet Rallies. And if you can’t make it, go there anyway and sign up to be notified next time there’s a stand-by deal!

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka A hollow tree that is a door that is a resting place…

Silent retreat for now…. and a loving thank-you to me of last week who asked the right questions, with love. I got what I asked for, in ways I appreciate but did not expect!

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Friday Chicken #270: yeah, that could have been more horrible

by Havi Brooks | Sep 27, 2013 | stuff I think about

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

It is Friday and we are here.

With the glorious (glorrrrrrrrrrrious!) return of the wham boom.

What worked?

COLORS!

I used colors to solve a problem, and I did not expect this to work, but it did.

Not only did substituting colors for emotion help me write about the situation, it also helped me move past the emotion long enough to see the solution, which in turn helped resolve a bunch of the feelings.

I feel Tangerine and Turkish Rose about this!

Anagrams, again.

Seriously, anagrams. Anagrams and exclamation points.

I was super stuck on a writing project that I was calling Wackadoodle Backadoodle, so I made up a game with the same name, and looked up anagrams:

A Cabala Docked Doodle Wok! A Baa Deadwood Locked Lock! A Cacao Addled Bowled Kook! A Cakewalk Bladed Coo Dodo! A Cakewalk Boa Coddle Dodo! A Awaked Oddball Code Cook! A Koala Deadlock Boded Cow! A Awake Blockaded Odd Loco!

Obviously, I already felt better because how could you not? A Cabala Docked Doodle Wok!

And then everything felt lighthearted and easier, and I played the game (which involved Look At Everything On The Internet For An Hour, as well as much awarding of sparklepoints), and went back to writing. Doodle Wok!

Validation and legitimacy.

I’d been feeling so incredibly frustrated and upset about [Situation X], and this was exacerbated by how not frustrated everyone else seems to be about it.

This week I talked this over with lots of people, and they all said OHMYGOD THIS IS THE WORST, and that was really helpful.

While turning to external sources of legitimacy is not the end-goal, it was so useful for me to experience what it is like to be in an environment where people see what I’m seeing, and recognize the problem as what it is: a huge problem.

I like to think that this is retroactively healing pain-from-then for Tiny Me as well.

Next time I might…

Remember the thing about the week after.

Last week was just ridiculously productive, and so I did the thing where I want it to continue forever.

Except that’s not how the creative process works. You blossom, you rest. You plant, you rest.

This week I wanted to MAKE STUFF GO, but it wasn’t the week for that. It was the week for reflecting and transitions.

Once I recognized the pattern I was in, I was able to let myself go for a walk, take a shower, watch the cop show that I call Suspiciously Good Looking Canadians. Looking for clews instead of trying to make “progress”. And once I did that, the work problems started solving themselves.

More space in-between.

Yup, still figuring out buffers and transitions, and the question of “how much space is enough space, given that however much I plan for is never even close to enough?”, or is that even the question.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

Being around people every day! I am not built for this. A breath for me who needs so much more space than other people seem to.
This week was not a week for Getting Things Done. This was a week for processing. It was hard for me to let this be the truth of right now. A breath for recognizing that my resistance wants to keep me safe.
Situation X with the fromagerie. This has gone so beyond the limits of my patience. A breath for the pain of dealing with this.
Other people not understanding why I am so upset about this. A breath for wanting to be seen and heard.
There are too many things to work on. A breath for the impossibility of this.
Getting ready for the Open House was crazy stressful and a huge amount of work just leading up to it, even before the part about “be social for three hours”. A breath for that.
Identity stuff. Making peace with being The Reluctant Chocolatier. A breath for “we’re over here now”.
Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

I did not have any anxiety this week, even about the really scary things which are still scary. This week I was calm, centered and steady. A breath for the wind changing.
Monsieur LeBlanc of the Other Agency decided we need to learn the foxtrot. Like, the actual foxtrot. Not a proxy. This is outrageously fun, and Dancer Me is loving it. A breath of joyful appreciation.
The Floating Playground (aka the Floop!), my online community — now in its fifth year/incarnation really and truly is the most loving, compassionate, sovereign, playful place ever. I felt that so strongly this week. A breath for companionship and caring.
Friends. Audrey and I went to the Dance Surge party at Whatsit, which was hilarious, then had dinner with Marisa and Richard. The Open House was like a reunion of people I love who have been to Rally! Julie and Ealasaid and David and Denise! Kyle was there! A breath for having people you love in your life.
Writing writing writing writing. A breath for writer me being back in a new way.
The Open House was way less stressful than anticipated, especially given that it was being held by two giant introverts (me and Richard) who would rather do pretty much anything than “be around people and talk to them”. I actually had a good time. And I enjoyed discovering how much I love being able to [make a certain kind of chocolate] for people. As R said, “Well, that could have been more horrible”. High, high praise. A breath for things not being horrible.
Nights. The nights of this week were very, very good to me. A breath for that.
Everything is okay. It just is. A breath for trusting.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

~~Undercover: Sweet Home Alabama Crimson~~
~~Mission Cask Be Fed~~
~~Operation Apple Love~~
~~Milagrotag~~
~~Operation Chicken Has Wings~~
~~Operation Hail Kaiser Take 3~~
~~Mission I Have A Vision~~
~~Operation Secret Keys And Codes~~
~~Operation Bee on Bee~~

WHAM BOOM!

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

The superpower of not answering boring questions. And no one being offended or even really noticing that I didn’t answer.

Also the superpower of BOUNCE-BOUNCE!

And a superpower I want next week.

The superpower of feeling ready for anything.

Salve.

The salve of quiet appreciation.

This salve takes care of appreciation in all forms. When you apply it to your skin, you feel appreciative and appreciated. So, for example, you start to notice all the tiny little things that are beautiful, sweet, charming, reassuring, supportive. And other people begin to see and remember all the things they appreciate about you. The right things, the things you want to be seen or are delighted to have people notice. The world begins to reverberate with tiny thank yous.

It is charged up with SIMPLICITY. Appreciation and simplicity. Appreciation broken down into simplicity, made simple.

It might also be a love potion for yourself.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is called

A Laundry List of Deception

I think they should pretty much only make music for James Bond films.

And yes. It’s just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.

You guys you guys you guys!

There is a STANDBY list for Rally (Rally!)

If you have the availability to come at the last minute, we occasionally have deals so get on the list.

The current deal, for Rally B, is a spectacularly great one.

Also if you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

« Older Entries

Next Entries »