Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Planting: Salve for everything that is raw.

The situation. And background.

Things are feeling raw right now, for many reasons.

Partly from having visited too close to some edges recently.

Partly from being a Highly Sensitive Person who needs far more quiet and spaciousness to get by than anyone else she knows.

Partly from being a person who lives in silence in what is either an increasingly noisy world or an already noisy world further amplified by my silence.

Mostly because of Boston, though. I lived nearly a third of my life in Tel Aviv. I experienced more than my fair share — fair? what is fair? — of bombings. Firsthand too. I have seen more bodies and blood than I care to. I have learned to navigate my way around PTSD. Mainly, I became both more sensitive and more jaded about [all kinds of things] than I ever want to be.

Sometimes it seems to me like those years made me hard in places where I want or expect to be soft, and soft in places where I need some more hard.

And I recognize this raw-meets-numb sensation. Where everything rubs. Where bitter and fearful come to the surface suddenly and with intensity. Where I feel nothing and everything at once.

What I want.

Quiet steadiness. Loving presence. To take exquisite care of myself and me-from-then who blocked out so much pain because she had to.

A salve for things that are raw.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Quiet. Softening.Presence. Strength. Steadiness. Plenty. Peacefulness. Shelter.

And the superpower of remembering that Now Is Not Then, Now Is Reminding Me Of Then, Which Is Not The Same Thing.

What might help?

• Now Is Not Then.
• Making safe rooms for the me who thinks that it is then.
• Bringing a more capable me to the “front of the V”
• Saying “I am here now”. Naming five things. Active practicing of presence.
• Finding out what new boundaries might look and feel like. Trying them on like a costume.
• Making space for myself. Away from social media, away from people with leaky force fields, away from expectations, away from noise.To the best of my abilities.
• Conscious entry.
• Emptying and replenishing. When and where I can.

What else?

Letting things be raw.

The raw is legitimate. The raw is temporary. The raw is not the whole truth of me.

This is me, finding out what things are like while they are raw. We’ll be at Rally, the safest place in the world for raw (and also for rah!).

I can also reread these posts:

• On PTSD.
• Explosions.
• Some thoughts on dealing with loss.

And I can invent a salve. I know about pain. And I know about recovery from pain. There might be no one better equipped for Imaginary Salve-Making than me right now. So let’s play. I can play.

Anything else?

Bond has been very quiet during this rawness.

And it occurred to me, Bond goes through healing periods and growth periods too.

Maybe this rawness is a little bit like the period after one mission or adventure, before the new one has emerged. When you’re recovering from getting grazed by the bullets, and from adrenaline and loss, from all that jumping from rooftop to rooftop in Marrakesh or whatever.

This is the part where you land, and then there are some layers to slip off and sleep off.

Yes. Maybe Bond and I are holing up somewhere, in recovery mode. This rawness might prove to be useful then. This is something I need to learn more about.

I’m playing with…

Wearing trust like a costume.

Giving myself permission and legitimacy, over and over again. This raw-numb-grief-empty everything is natural and normal, expected and understandable. Yes, it is overwhelming. Yes, I don’t know yet how I’m going to take care of myself, but I’m committing to taking care of myself.

Commitment and presence. Commitment to presence. That’s what I’m playing with. And when I can’t do that because it hurts too much, that’s okay too. When I commit to presence, I’m also committing to being present with that, and letting that be completely reasonable too.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• I need to get from Vancouver, BC to Seattle, Washington on May 11 or 12. What I really want is a ride with someone. But I would also take recommendations for best way to do that. Train? Plane? Ferry? Weigh in, please. And while I appreciate-in-advance invitations to brunch and such, I will be in extra-silent-retreat mode for this particular trip, and will be avoiding social stuff. Another time!
• Operation Word Plum, of course, of course.
• All things that need reconfiguring now reconfigure sweetly and easily.
• All misunderstandings dissolve in love.
• Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
• All endings are received with presence.
• Spaciousness. Ease. Hopefulness.
• The kind of healing that happens invisibly, under the surface, and suddenly ….Hey, didn’t that used to be a thing?
• Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
• Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
• Prom. Yes, I’m going to prom. As a chaperone. I know. Not even a proxy! How can this be easy? Hmm. Maybe it should be a proxy! Oooh, it could be my Rally project….
• Miracles at Stompopolis! and in general.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
• Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
• What do I need? What do I want?
• Welcome, fears. Come this way. Straight to the hugging room! We have it all set up for you.
• Sweet blissful steadiness.
• Love.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Let’s stick with last week’s qualities. Those are good, and I can definitely use more of these…

Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.

And the superpower of using the tools available, and being glad they’re there.

Again again again. Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

Operation TRUST MORE.

Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust more. Nope, more than that. Recognize that the trusting itself requires trust. Be okay with not trusting, which is itself a form of trusting more! Like that.

I’m playing with…

Something that came out of a compass meditation. “Trust in presence to steady the glow.”

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Using silence to say the unsaid things worked surprisingly well, actually.

I had a number of potentially difficult conversations by post-it note and text, and they all went easily. I said a not-goodbye-but-farewell-for-now that was incredibly painful to do and that I have been avoiding for months, but I was able to do it with love and a heart full of sweetness.

And I didn’t say a lot of things, but it was okay that I didn’t say them. Also, hilariously, I got laryngitis. So that was kind of literal. Though since I already live in silence, I’m not sure that anyone noticed.

What else? Operation Tailor Tailor and Operation POSTPONE went well. I found out what the hat wanted! I asked Rebecca the thing I needed to ask. Prom dress is taken care of. A thing that needed to exit has exited, and gracefully. And conducting saved my ass this week.

While it was a week that was hard and painful, I am so pleased with everything I planted here, and with everything I learned from asking. So that’s a sweet reminder. This process is useful just through existing, sometimes I forget that.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox