What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Visions #198: A salve for things that are raw.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Planting: Salve for everything that is raw.
The situation. And background.
Things are feeling raw right now, for many reasons.
Partly from having visited too close to some edges recently.
Partly from being a Highly Sensitive Person who needs far more quiet and spaciousness to get by than anyone else she knows.
Partly from being a person who lives in silence in what is either an increasingly noisy world or an already noisy world further amplified by my silence.
Mostly because of Boston, though. I lived nearly a third of my life in Tel Aviv. I experienced more than my fair share — fair? what is fair? — of bombings. Firsthand too. I have seen more bodies and blood than I care to. I have learned to navigate my way around PTSD. Mainly, I became both more sensitive and more jaded about [all kinds of things] than I ever want to be.
Sometimes it seems to me like those years made me hard in places where I want or expect to be soft, and soft in places where I need some more hard.
And I recognize this raw-meets-numb sensation. Where everything rubs. Where bitter and fearful come to the surface suddenly and with intensity. Where I feel nothing and everything at once.
What I want.
Quiet steadiness. Loving presence. To take exquisite care of myself and me-from-then who blocked out so much pain because she had to.
A salve for things that are raw.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Quiet. Softening.Presence. Strength. Steadiness. Plenty. Peacefulness. Shelter.
And the superpower of remembering that Now Is Not Then, Now Is Reminding Me Of Then, Which Is Not The Same Thing.
What might help?
- Now Is Not Then.
- Making safe rooms for the me who thinks that it is then.
- Bringing a more capable me to the “front of the V”
- Saying “I am here now”. Naming five things. Active practicing of presence.
- Finding out what new boundaries might look and feel like. Trying them on like a costume.
- Making space for myself. Away from social media, away from people with leaky force fields, away from expectations, away from noise.To the best of my abilities.
- Conscious entry.
- Emptying and replenishing. When and where I can.
What else?
Letting things be raw.
The raw is legitimate. The raw is temporary. The raw is not the whole truth of me.
This is me, finding out what things are like while they are raw. We’ll be at Rally, the safest place in the world for raw (and also for rah!).
I can also reread these posts:
- On PTSD.
- Explosions.
- Some thoughts on dealing with loss.
And I can invent a salve. I know about pain. And I know about recovery from pain. There might be no one better equipped for Imaginary Salve-Making than me right now. So let’s play. I can play.
Anything else?
Bond has been very quiet during this rawness.
And it occurred to me, Bond goes through healing periods and growth periods too.
Maybe this rawness is a little bit like the period after one mission or adventure, before the new one has emerged. When you’re recovering from getting grazed by the bullets, and from adrenaline and loss, from all that jumping from rooftop to rooftop in Marrakesh or whatever.
This is the part where you land, and then there are some layers to slip off and sleep off.
Yes. Maybe Bond and I are holing up somewhere, in recovery mode. This rawness might prove to be useful then. This is something I need to learn more about.
I’m playing with…
Wearing trust like a costume.
Giving myself permission and legitimacy, over and over again. This raw-numb-grief-empty everything is natural and normal, expected and understandable. Yes, it is overwhelming. Yes, I don’t know yet how I’m going to take care of myself, but I’m committing to taking care of myself.
Commitment and presence. Commitment to presence. That’s what I’m playing with. And when I can’t do that because it hurts too much, that’s okay too. When I commit to presence, I’m also committing to being present with that, and letting that be completely reasonable too.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- I need to get from Vancouver, BC to Seattle, Washington on May 11 or 12. What I really want is a ride with someone. But I would also take recommendations for best way to do that. Train? Plane? Ferry? Weigh in, please. And while I appreciate-in-advance invitations to brunch and such, I will be in extra-silent-retreat mode for this particular trip, and will be avoiding social stuff. Another time!
- Operation Word Plum, of course, of course.
- All things that need reconfiguring now reconfigure sweetly and easily.
- All misunderstandings dissolve in love.
- Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
- All endings are received with presence.
- Spaciousness. Ease. Hopefulness.
- The kind of healing that happens invisibly, under the surface, and suddenly ….Hey, didn’t that used to be a thing?
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
- Prom. Yes, I’m going to prom. As a chaperone. I know. Not even a proxy! How can this be easy? Hmm. Maybe it should be a proxy! Oooh, it could be my Rally project….
- Miracles at Stompopolis! and in general.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Welcome, fears. Come this way. Straight to the hugging room! We have it all set up for you.
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Love.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Let’s stick with last week’s qualities. Those are good, and I can definitely use more of these…
Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.
And the superpower of using the tools available, and being glad they’re there.
Again again again. Seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Operation TRUST MORE.
Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust more. Nope, more than that. Recognize that the trusting itself requires trust. Be okay with not trusting, which is itself a form of trusting more! Like that.
I’m playing with…
Something that came out of a compass meditation. “Trust in presence to steady the glow.”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Using silence to say the unsaid things worked surprisingly well, actually.
I had a number of potentially difficult conversations by post-it note and text, and they all went easily. I said a not-goodbye-but-farewell-for-now that was incredibly painful to do and that I have been avoiding for months, but I was able to do it with love and a heart full of sweetness.
And I didn’t say a lot of things, but it was okay that I didn’t say them. Also, hilariously, I got laryngitis. So that was kind of literal. Though since I already live in silence, I’m not sure that anyone noticed.
What else? Operation Tailor Tailor and Operation POSTPONE went well. I found out what the hat wanted! I asked Rebecca the thing I needed to ask. Prom dress is taken care of. A thing that needed to exit has exited, and gracefully. And conducting saved my ass this week.
While it was a week that was hard and painful, I am so pleased with everything I planted here, and with everything I learned from asking. So that’s a sweet reminder. This process is useful just through existing, sometimes I forget that.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #247: strengthening the sparkle.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Trusting.
Someone I trust told me: “Your sparkle is strong today.”
It was a difficult day for me. I couldn’t feel the sparkle.
So I embarked on an adventure to strengthen it.
An adventure of trust.
Among the many things I learned: It is my perception that I am strengthening the sparkle. Reality is that the sparkle is there. The sparkle is plentiful and strong. It does not need strengthening.
So when I say that I am strengthening the sparkle, what I really mean is that I am strengthening my awareness of the sparkle, and my receptivity to seeing just how sparkly it is.
Getting sick.
Realizing that my life only works when I am full committed in all ways to blissful steadiness, and the practice of practicing.
It took being in a state where that was the only thing I could do in response, for me to remember that yes, that is in fact the only thing I want and need to do.
Asking for what I wanted.
Tea. Hugs. Spaciousness. Whispering. Play. Humming. More tea.
Next time I might…
Remember earlier that it is okay for me to want what I want. And that I have a much better chance of getting it if I give myself permission to want it.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Exhaustion.
- The mystery of the Sore Throat and the Unsaid Things.
- The mystery of goodbyes leading to more goodbyes.
- The mystery of expectations.
- Soaking up everyone else’s fear and panic, first about taxes and then about terror. The downside of being a Highly Sensitive Person.
- Boston.
- Related: Stuff from then.
- Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
- Dreams about people who are gone, apologizing for [things done or not done].
- The mystery of Spring Fever, in all forms.
- Someone I love in the hospital.
- Nothing I can do that can help other than steadily radiating love.
- People wanting me to do things other than steadily radiating love, and I can’t do those things because they interfere with my ability to steadily radiate love.
- Related: The mystery of not everyone understands that silence is a gift.
- The mystery of what is this phlegmtasmagorical coughpocalypse and WHEN WILL IT END.
- Sometimes you don’t want the same thing as what someone else wants, and sometimes that is okay, but sometimes that is so very, very hard.
Things I found delightful.
- A marvelous adventure to Hood River with the Vicar. With a visit to the fish, a sacred pilgrimage to Double Mountain, and some fun roller derby.
- A bath in which my body told me a secret about healing.
- Company and sweetness on a hard day. Words on top of words. Spells and script.
- Safe rooms.
- Magical weather reports.
- Lilacs and tulips and lusciousness. Flowers everywhere.
- There are people who love me, who are warm and steady in their comfort, without trying to fix or make better. And I am the most fortunate person in the world to have them in my life.
- The robot of twelve, who is really the robot of twenty four. Thanks, Kyle.
- Whispered words.
- New superpowers.
- Postcards.
- Operation EDGELOVE and Operation FOUNTAIN. My heart overflows.
- Trust. Adoration. Love.
- Sometimes you want exactly what someone else wants, and you both want it in the same way and the same amount and together.
- Marisa is back.
- As a “woman of a certain age, etc etc”, I was thrilled to be referred to as an Obscenely Juicy Distraction this week. So. Um. Thank you. I am fine with that. Also: holy god, how is that not a band?
- That feeling of “okaaaaaaaaayy I hope this works!”. I love it. It feels reckless and stupid and “why it’s so crazy it just might work. What a thrill. I much prefer being a crazed genius to just a genius. Especially after a long time of not feeling the fun. It’s starting to feel like a grand adventure again, and that is a very good sign indeed.
The most extraordinary thing from this week!
My intention that flowers and silence would solve everything that needed solving.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Operation More Internal Spring Cleaning and Oh Wait Even More Difficult Goodbyes.
Operation Tailor Taylor set into motion.
Operation E.D.G.E.L.O.V.E. is happening.
Operation FOUNTAIN: joyfully out into the world!
Wham boom! Wham boom!
Miracles.
The miracle of Holocene from two weeks ago, which is also the miracle of being willing to be wrong, which is also the miracle of holy-shit-look-at-those-seeds-I-planted-coming-to-life.
The miracle of tulips.
Superpowers.
Superpowers I had this week…
Turning Emergency into Emergence.
Channeling grounded blissful steadiness. Tasting first fruits and saying thank you in my heart.
And for next week…
More of the same, please. And delighting in it.
Proxy for the week.
Bond is recovering from a wound sustained during the latest adventure, holed up in a Swiss chalet.
In slow, steady training for the next mission. And in the meantime, much debriefing.
The Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) Award.
“I hope you are well-trousered…”
It was supposed to be well-rested, but “trousered” kind of works. Why yes, I *am* well-trousered. To be said with a British accent, of course.
Salve. Yours if you want it.
This week’s salve is the salve of peacefulness. It works in both active and passive forms, and is incredibly steadying. I used it all week.
Here is the secret name of this salve:
I Now Bring Peacefulness Into Every Corner Of My Life And Kingdom, And My Thoughts Bring Me Peace In Return.
To be applied generously in any and all situations.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band by way of Kyle.
Robot of 12.
Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
We have Rally dates for 2014….
Rally! (Rally!)
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #197: using silence to say the unsaid things
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Planting: Using silence to say the unsaid things.
The situation.
I am sick. And worn out. And my throat hurts.
That’s not the situation though. That’s just the thing giving me the loudest information about the situation.
My body operates in pretty much purely symbolic ways. My throat only hurts when there is something I need to say that is not being voiced.
Which is pretty funny, if you think about it, since I don’t speak at all.
Anyway, it’s not particularly surprising. I can think of six separate situations where I have not said the thing that needs saying. And my Day of Wearing Courage Like A Cloak last week stirred up more of that.
What I want.
To say the things but not out loud.
To access a state of deep quiet and internal connectedness.
And then to find out what I would say if I were courageous, centered and speaking my personal Havi-truth.
To say it just for me.
For me. For me, to the forest, for the ocean, to the fountain. Like that.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Spaciousness. Softening. Forgiveness. Quiet. Steadiness. Plenty. Contentment. Release.
And the superpower of remembering that This Moment Right Now Is Right. Including this unraveling and falling apart, which is also right. Including not liking it. And knowing that in six months I will say “oh, that was a fortunate thing” but still resisting it right now.
I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to appreciate it. And I can still remember that nothing is wrong.
More about what I know.
Bond can help. Barrington can help. There is help and support.
Time and sleep and baths (which was last week’s secret Thing X wish). These can help.
And! One thing I have learned from silence and being silent is that silence really does heal everything.
Real silence (not shutting-up but intentional radiating quiet) is a gift of presence. It works all kinds of crazy wonders.
More about what I want.
It really is about responding with presence instead of words. With love instead of trying to give what I think the other person wants. And about taking care of the space around me and the space inside of me.
I also want to find out what I would say if I weren’t worried about apparent contradictions that might turn up in my answers, and how I would explain them.
Or: what I would say if I weren’t wondering how it would be received, or worried about how people would feel.
What I would say if I were saying it in a way that is so quiet and graceful that it’s really just channeling the bells of Havi Bell? That’s what I want. To be a clear conduit for “This Is What Is True For Me Right Now.”
With gentleness and curiosity.
No blaming. No placating. Just there, with love.
Oh something funny just happened. Funny in the sense of hahahahahaha AND weird-crazy. Also in the sense of oh-god-not-funny-at-all.
Just got a request from someone who believes that all kinds of things trump the gifts of silence. So silence is needed to quietly say what needs to be said here as well.
Ways this could work.
Buying a small notebook. Talking to Bond. Doing this together. Creating the best possible safe room.
I’m playing with…
Wearing courage like a costume.
Knowing and trusting that speaking truth — even through silence and when the other party can’t “hear” — is still powerful and effective communicatin.
Maybe even sometimes more so than actual conversation.
To meet monsters as they show up and talk to them too.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Operation Tailor Tailor. I just had the most hilarious thought that possibly Taylor and/or Taylor would know about this.
- What do you want, beautiful hat?
- Operation P.O.S.T.P.O.N.E.
- Ask Rebecca.
- Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
- Talk it out with Bond Girl.
- Pleasure and Delight.
- The kind of healing that happens with laughter.
- Perfect simple solutions.
- Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
- Prom dress?! Hahahahaha. No, really.
- Miracles at Stompopolis!
- Fix the straps.
- Vancouver.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
- What do I need? What do I want?
The qualities inside of the wants:
Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.
And the superpower of finding support.
Seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Operation PLANT SEEDS.
Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust what I know.
I’m playing with…
This is right.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Things that have already come to life: I wanted Thing X (lots and lots of bath time), and got it. And I got a second Beach Day! Operation FLOWERS happened in a big way. Same with conducting.
What else?
Everything else can percolate for now.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #246: S.M.I.L.E.S.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Waiting.
Not taking action until feeling the pull.
Listening.
More and more and more.
Trying on courage like a costume.
And wearing it until it felt like something I’d actually wear.
Next time I might…
Remember that doing deep emotional work means internal fallout, even when there’s no external fallout.
And especially if there is!
Build in time to fall apart a little. Schedule it.
Instead of being surprised by something that is really not surprising at all.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Exhaustion.
- Three nights of screaming terror nightmares. Stuff from then.
- Needing to say the words and make the endings. So hard.
- Seeing people I love in pain, and watching them continue to choose pain and stay in situations where they are not treated lovingly and respectfully.
- Missing Shut Up & Dance because too tired to see straight.
- Stompopolis scheduling mix-up on Saturday!
- Playmate is far away.
- Realizing I have been keeping reminders of pain on my phone in the form of voicemails, because deleting them meant acknowledging: this is over. But the not-deleting causes twinges of sweet sadness that keeps things stagnant. And stagnation is not what I want.
- Time to do all the hard things. This required immense levels of courage, and I had to learn many new things about courage this week. I am very glad to know them. The process of learning them was not the most fun thing I’ve ever done.
- Letting go of things that are not working. Grief and sadness about change and about endings.
- Monsters. Specifically What If You Never Have X Again and What If You Never See Y Again and What If You Are Screwing It All Up. We had a lot of talking to do about “never” and about safety and plenty. It was useful and also pretty intense.
- Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
- Concepts I have made clear not landing.
- Releasing attachment and a bowlful of “But but but why is it not like this?!”.
Things I found delightful.
- Friday night.
- 16 hours in bed dozing, drifting, dreaming, listening to internal weather reports.
- The Wheels of Justice bout against Bay Area. Could have been a killing for B.A.D. It wasn’t! We lost but lost VALIANTLY. Definitely the most physical bout I’ve ever seen. Add to that: well-matched teams and four lead changes and you have some pretty great derby. Afterparty was pretty fun too…
- Four days of curiosity, playful discovery, smiling.
- Having painful things received with love and sweetness, without the other person trying to fix it or change it. Just presence.
- Heart overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
- Sent a secret birthday present that was full-of-secret-meaning to person who is meaningful to me in ways that are not-at-all-secret, who really, truly understood, and was over-the-top delighted with it.
- Every moment of Surprise Beach Day at Seaside and Hug Point. Sharing. With the ocean. Perspective. Getting really really clear on what I want. Thank you, ocean.
- Doing a thing that was like [scary-for-me thing] but without the PTSD attached.
- Adoring. Adoring. Adoring.
- “You are safe.”
- Up to date thought ticker reports.
- Internal spring cleaning. Including: Deleting the voicemail messages. Ending things that needed endings. Doing what is right.
- Intimate acceptance. As in: Here. Now. I will be deeply human with you in this moment.
- Seekrit flowers from Floopers! Flowers everywhere.
- Comfort. Sweetness. Compassion. Warmth. Delight.
- Sharing concepts and metaphors.
- The side effects of Courage. They’re a lot like the side effects of silence.
- Met the new Incoming Me! She’s a more intense version of Bond Girl. Bond. Havi Bell Bond. She has the best superpowers ever. I am especially liking Blissful Steadiness and Effortlessly Alert.
- There are people who can handle [hard things that I think no one can handle].
- Slow Melting Internal Light-Glowing Effervescent Smiles. An acronym that stands for itself, but better! This is right.
The most extraordinary thing from this week!
I was walking down the street and a woman was getting out of her car. She looked at me and asked, “Do you like flowers? I have a car full of flowers!”
Then she handed me two large beautiful bouquets. They had tags on them that said “donate”, apparently from some kind of auction. I LOVE flowers!
You know what my proxy mission at the Crossing for [how I want to live my life] was, right?
Learn how and why flowers make everything better!
I wrote her a note that said “Flowers make everything better!”
Thank you, flowers. Thank you, woman who gave them to me! Thank you, silent retreat so I didn’t make awkward small talk but was present for and with the exchange. Thank you, abundance and plenty. Thank you, appreciation and gratitude. Thank you, Crossing. Thank you, proxies. Thank you, favorite cafe for suddenly mysteriously filling up with people and noise so I left an hour earlier than I would have. Thank you, Bond Girl for saying now, go! And telling me to walk faster and make the light. Thank you, beautiful world for life!
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Operation Internal Spring Cleaning and Preparing For Many Difficult Goodbyes. Wham boom!
Miracles!
I believe the phrase “Would you like flowers?” can be a stand-in for this right now.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Trusting in courage.
And a superpower I want next week.
Sweet grounded blissful Steadiness. With Focus sprinkled on top.
Proxy of the week.
I’m wearing courage.
Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) of the week.
Whole-heatedness, instead of whole-heartedness. Mmmmmhmmmm.
Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.
This salve is the salve of courage.
And because courage contains, I learned, lots of other things, it has those too: Plenty. Trust. Freedom. Wonder. Curiosity. Joy. Lots and lots of joy.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
Covered In Wow.
They are loud, raucous, fun to dance to and do things with woodwinds. Musically, I mean.
Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
A voyage through April.
It is very much April, and I am noticing-feeling different things at once about my relationship to this month right now.
A part of me that wants to pause (paws!) and acknowledge the movement: here we are. April.
The part of me that wants to press pause on this movement. La-la-la nothing-is-happening!
Also the part of me who knows the voyage is being voyaged whether I look or not. Even if I distract myself, we’re still sailing through this part of the sea, and this moment is new, and all moments are new, and April is here. I can say hello or not. So I will.
Come in, come in, April. Come in, flowering vitality. I am here for this. I will play with you.
Looking out at March. What worked?
Saying: This Is Right. Saying yes to the pull of adventure. No to everything else.
So long, March. Things I might try differently next time?
Keep trusting. Conduct more. Do less.
Observing the sea of April. Hello, April.
We’ve been hanging out for a week but now I’m ready to look. I am here. I want to be here now.
I see you and you are beautiful. I see my wants and fears and expectations, colored balloons.
I notice how I am remembering last year when everything fell apart in April, the slow-burn beginning of the eight months of watching everything go up in flames. I feel that sudden gust of wind that says: change is coming. Breath catching in my throat.
I repeat truth: Now Is Not Then.
And I smile at all the beautiful things that came into my life through the undoing and collapsing of the old, stagnant structures. I am ready for change that is sweet, steady, playful and glowing. It smells of spring.
Qualities I want in April.
Clarity. Trust. Pleasure. Quiet. Plenty. Strength. Radiance. Conduit.
What does the Stompopolis calendar have to add?
This month’s quality: RECEPTIVITY.
Um. Yes. Seriously every month I look at the new calendar page and think, “Past-me was a genius! How did she know exactly what was needed?!”
And also: Wanna play catch?
Hey, April. Wanna play catch? Hey life and love and joy: wanna play catch? Hey emptying-and-replenishing…wanna play catch?
Play. Catch.
I am receptive.
The superpower listed is… tada! The superpower of Delighting In Small Things. Yes please.
April superpowers
Trusting that what I need is here. Trusting my ability to improvise with what is here, even if I don’t think it’s what I need. (Or can’t recognize that it’s what I need!)
Bond Girl fearlessness. The fearlessness comes from the trust, of course. If I miss the train, it was not my train. That is what this trust looks like.
Bond Girl also says: Love the edges. So some of that too. The superpower of loving the edges.
Things I’m working on and playing with in April.
Letting the compass solve the mysteries. Saying thank you in my heart. Going deeper into silence.
Things I’m looking forward to in April.
Beach Day. April Rally! Napping. More and more flowers. So many flowers. Delighting in the flowers.
What April could be like.
Radiant. Glowing. Covered in wow.
Slightly future me says…
Tend to what you want. Treat it like you do the flowers. Make your internal space welcoming for these desires and aspirations. Give them a home to land in.
Naming the moon.
This is a tradition I borrowed from Waverly. You can read more about how I do it if you like.
The Moon of Plentiful As The Stars In The Sky and The Sand Of The Sea.
I want to be here now.
I want to be here now.
Goodbye, beautiful March. You were a month of flowers and hidden jewels, like I asked. Thank you. Goodbye what-is-done. Thank you for being done.
Hello, April.
The secret word is ready. Ready. Over and out.
Play with me…
I mess around with entry and exit each month, going with whatever shows up.
For other versions, peek at 2011: July / August / September / October / November and December. Or 2012: January / February / March / April / May. A love letter to June / July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February.
And last month we slid into March like it was a safe house!
Feel welcome to deposit notes for your entry into April here, if you like. Or drop off wishes or leave flowers.
We make this safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
Wishing you a pleasure-filled, playful, welcoming April. And love. All the love.