The Fluent Self

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

Friday Chicken #216: Sure. Go for the gold.

by Havi Brooks | Sep 14, 2012 | updates & announcements

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

It’s Friday, you guys!

It’s going to be a beautiful day, I can already tell.

I get to have breakfast with Colleen!

Also, this past week was Rally! And Rally (Rally!) makes things all sparkly.

Not that there wasn’t a ton of crap this week, because there was, but I am feeling strangely optimistic. Let’s do this.

The hard stuff

Way too much going on right now.

Overwhelmed.

Will take a silent retreat on the rest.

Preparing for Rally with way too much going on.

Hard.

Lions and tigers and bears.

So many things that can turn into seeming Doom, even when they are not actually doom.

Scared by shadows this week.

WTF.

The CRUMb died.

The CRUMb is the Crew User Manual. It is like the PLUM (the Playground User Manual) but for the Crew.

So it is the CRUMb instead of the PLUM. The b stands for whatever we want it to stand for. Like booty-bouncing. Or bananas. Or benevolence.

Anyway, it is a wiki.

And this week it totally disappeared.

We have it backed up but can’t reinstall, and are currently in tech support hell. They’ve called in the head developer to deal with our Mysterious Problem, and it’s a gigantic pain.

Also: horrible timing. Disgruntled!

Two day monster conference.

Seriously, two whole days of monsters and insecurities.

And all the worries about all the things.

Own your crap, people.

This week some people thought that the proper thing to do with their crap was to hand it to me.

But that is not how it works.

Really nothing should happen on the monday of Rally except meditating.

I need to be at the Playground singing and doing yoga and meditating and doing the four questions and my other entry rituals.

And I should definitely one thousand percent definitely not go online.

And the bronze medal in the Jewish Guilt Olympics goes to…..

The same person it always goes to.

Yeesh.

This was some hardcore guilt-tripping, y’all.

Some people are scarcity-generators. Which is kind of funny, right? I mean, if you can generate scarcity, you should be able to generate other things too. Theoretically. This person has an abundance of tactics but they all have to do with lack and manipulation.

Anyway. That was exhausting and horrible!

The good stuff

Wow, guess what, monsters?

My monsters were in full force over the weekend.

And I can’t even remember now what they were so up-in-arms about but they were convinced that all the bad things were about to happen, just like that one time, and they had very good evidence for why everything was about to be DOOM.

I used the coloring book techniques, of course, until things calmed down.

And you know what happened right after that?

Undeniable incontrovertible proof that they were wrong. Yes. My monsters were a thousand billion percent wrong in every possible way.

Yup. I’m going to try to remember that.

Reconnecting with an old friend.

My friend Scott was one of the few people in my high school whose company I really enjoyed. The last time we hung out regularly was close to twenty years ago, and the last time I saw him (funny story, I’ll tell you sometime) was twelve years ago.

We stay in very loose contact and I know more or less what’s going on with him and his wife and life in general but last Friday we spent two long hours chatting, and it was as if no time had gone by.

We had a wonderfully easy, funny, play-filled time. We are just as hilarious as we were then. It was the best.

Playdates!

This playdate thing just keeps getting better and better.

My playmate is a just-right match for me and for how I like to play, which is all the kinds of playing, with all the games and all the variations and ALL THE WORDS.

This week we played with shiva nata and music and reading and so many different things. This week was about possibility. About all the things that are possible. So many things!

A song for me.

My playmate recorded a song for me.

Surprise Monday morning stealth playdate.

I did not know this but it turns out that this is the best time for a playdate.

This is also the best way to reverse Monday-morning-panic.

Now is not then. Now is not then!

The day-before-Rally was 100% different than it was last time.

Remembering this and seeing how things have changed was really, really reassuring.

Everything that happened at Rally.

Rally!

I freaking love Rally.

This one (Rally #23) was really, really different than the last few and that threw me for a bit of a loop, but it was also amazing, because Rally Is Always Amazing.

The shiva nata was extraordinary, the smiles were warm, the blanket forts were epic, and things are different and good and sparkling.

The April 2013 Rally is sold out.

Right on.

The Shiva Nata was so hard that we forgot to be giraffes!

We did crazy fun shiva nata, and it was so hard.

One of our extra challenges was pretending to be giraffes every time we did horizontal 3 and vertical 7.

But half the time we forgot because we were so busy with words and qualities and directions and sound effects and music and the compass!

Yay confusion. Yay mistakes. Yay emptied-out-brain of emptiness and all the new patterns emerging and reconfiguring.

That fabled Rally Glow.

Do you know about Rally Glow? That weird side effect that makes everyone weirdly, even suspiciously better-looking?

It happens every time but it happened hard this time.

I don’t think I’ve ever been flirted so much walking down the street. And rally glow happened to everyone, it was very entertaining.

We are all adorable and smiley.

Ask everyone who was at this Rally. It was out of control.

The epiphany that saved the day. No, the year! No, everything!

I have been struggling with a certain systems problem, and until I solve it we can’t open Stompopolis to new members.

This issue has been the bane of my existence.

And something we did in yesterday’s shiva nata jolted my brain into reconfiguring all the connections.

And then suddenly it was so easy: I realized that I had three steps out of order. I have spent hours and hours and hours puzzling over this. And all I had to do was reverse the orientation of these three pieces.

Problem driving me crazy for eleven weeks in a row. Problem solved in five minutes after one very very madap crazy-ass shiva nata practice.

The power of helper mice.

It’s such an amazing thing and I always underestimate how much it changes EVERYTHING to have help.

Usually after Rally I spend about two hours straightening up little things around the Playground.

And then a few more hours the next day.

This time Natalia is in charge of that, and she made everything beautiful while I meditated and did yoga and my clearing-out-after-Rally rituals. What a difference. Huge.

And Marisa helped me work and made everything good.

Marisa! Here! With me!

For oh, thirty whole hours?

I got to hug her all the way to lunch and then all the way through lunch and then all the way to walking her to her cafe!

And then we had a mini-playdate of wonder where All The Problems got solved in about half an hour. And now again today.

And then! This is the plan. I have to miss her for one whole month and THEN she comes and stays until christmas! I love her so much!

All the exclamation points forever!

Things that are worth waiting for.

I can wait.

Who knew?

I can wait for this.

Yoga that changes everything.

Oh man.

I don’t know if it’s because most of my yoga this week happened at the Playground and Stompopolis, but wow.

Bliss-state of bliss. Every particle of me rejoiced in movement and stillness this week, my whole body (even the hurty parts) felt adored and appreciated and cared for.

It was a big thing.

Experimentation.

Like having a designated helper mouse after Rally.

Like trying new (shivanautically-inspired) sequences in my yoga practice.

Like turning the Wine & Cheesening into just a Cheesening, which then turned into a monster-coloring party where there was also cheese.

We broke out the the monster coloring book and all the crayons, colored pencils and markers. And we had at it.

It was funny and sweet and companionable, and I loved it.

Experimentation worked this week. The monsters were not loving it, but the evidence to support my “experimentation might be useful!” hypothesis stacked up in my favor.

Thank you.

Thanks Beth and Andrew who sent fabulous presents for the Playground this week.

Thank you, everyone who was at Rally. Thank you, everyone who played during Plum Duff. Thank you, pirate crew at Stompopolis. Thank you, everyone from the Floop who made me laugh this week.

Thank you thank you thank you.

And thank you, everyone who reads this. It’s been seven years in this online home, and I like it here. Thank you.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

Things I didn’t know that I knewabout nests.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band:

Forgot To Be A Giraffe.

Though, of course of course of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

TODAY (Friday) is the very last day for Plum Duff.

Plum Duff is a very occasional thing where we have special stuff available that you can’t usually get. And bonuses. And raisins.

It is special and it is lovely and it is ALMOST OVER.

So. Here is the hidden Plum Duff page. Password: heaveaway.

It will be gone tomorrow.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

p.p.s. Last day for Plum Duff. Plum! Duff! Password: heaveaway

Visions #165: Just 5 days left of Plum Duff!

by Havi Brooks | Sep 9, 2012 | my personal practice

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Okay, we have kind of a lot of these today.

I am humming a hum while I write them.

Thing 1: Excitement for Plum Duff! Ease. Joyfulness.

Here’s what I want:

It’s Plum Duff!

Plum Duff is this thing that we do very occasionally in the business where you can get stuff you normally can’t, and there are bonuses and everything is just better.

So there are a couple things I want related to this.

One is JOYFUL ENTHUSIASM and great excitement. Much rejoicing!

And the other is this:

Plum Duff goes until September 14. That sounds crazy far away because in my mind we’re still only like, halfway through July.

But actually it is in only five days, and also: five days go by incredibly fast.

And what always happens with Plum Duff is that it disappears in a whoosh! Puff. Of. Smoke.

Then people make the saddest faces because they thought they had time but they missed it. So I either need to remember to send out a reminder email (highly unlikely!) or people need to remember that Plum Duff is going to end sooner than they think.

Or we could just sell out of everything. That would work too.

Ways this might work:

I can do things in a grand fashion. And maybe even — who knows? — like a fairground stripper. Because that’s always fun.

But yeah. I can have fun with this.

I can be curious about this.

I can write about this.

And I can make it part of my project this week at Rally (Rally!).

But it has to be ease-filled. I have enough to do this week. Let it be fun, please.

I’m playing with…

Singing South Australia.

And giving you guys the link! Here is the link to the plum duff page, which asks for a PASSWORD and the password is heaveaway and I am also going to tell you again so that people do not write and ask for the password.

THE PASSWORD! HERE IT IS. I AM GIVING IT TO YOU NOW: heaveaway

Thing 2: Fridays off.

Here’s what I want:

What if…. what if we took Fridays off?

But a different kind of off. Off from all the usual things that we do when not working. Not going to dance. Not going anywhere.

A day for HOUSE. For dishes and laundry and sweet slow intentional puttering. For being with the garden. For closing things that need closing.

To drink juice and take naps and just be at home not doing things.

Glasses, not contacts. Just OFF. To be off.

And for this to be ritual and have a name, not to feel like sick or depressed. Not to have a checklist of things (even though I would like possibilities, like the Sending of Postcards to Svevo. Or the Calling of Amna!).

Ways this might work:

I don’t know. I really want this!

I’m playing with…

Skipping some stones.

Thing 3: the tiniest pile, may it magically disappear.

Here’s what I want:

These eight pieces of paper have been sitting by my bed for three weeks.

I could look at them. I could do something with them.

I think it’s time.

Ways this might work:

Make a playdate with Marisa!

Bring it to Rally!

Use the Floop!

Find out if there are any iguanas hiding.

I’m playing with…

Putting it here. May it move and change.

Thing 4: How is this useful? Specifically, where is the treasure?

Here’s what I want:

Something interesting happened this week.

I was feeling VERY upset about getting screwed over by that place that took my money and closed.

And then Harmony (that’s Incoming Me, slightly-future me) had something to say about that and I did not like it.

But basically her point was that something very good can come out of this if I let it, but that I have to get quiet enough to find out what it is.

She also said that I need to ask Kiva about what’s happening with the furniture. So that was interesting.

Also she wants me to turn my closet into a reading nook. I have no idea what to do about that. Harmony is even more kookypants than I am.

Ways this might work:

You know what?

This needs to also be a fractal flower for other things. YES.

And I do want to talk to Kiva about this. And Ashley. They’re my only connections that I know of. But Portland is a small town disguised as a city, I probably have lots of connections. Ask Hope too. And Dana.

I’m playing with…

Asking over and over again, with no forced gratitude, only curiosity:

How could this frustrating situation possibly turn out to be good and/or useful for me? I still don’t have to like it, but where are the hidden doors?

And then listening and taking notes.

Thing 5: Two presents for Havi Bell. Well, a date for progress on these.

Here’s what I want:

One has to do with the secret coronation and one has to do with the love seat which is a very interesting word (love plus seat, love and seat, love and sitting, everyone should love sitting).

Both of these are highly charged with Havi-Stuff.

So she is going to have to work on the stuff before she can be okay with thinking about these.

Ways this might work:

Third person. Always third person.

Havi can use a proxy. She can use a metaphor. She will probably need secret code all over the place.

I’m playing with…

Wanting, being conflicted, wanting anyway.

Setting a reminder here that the ask is not for the things themselves or even making progress on the things themselves.

It is just about being slightly more okay with the wanting.

Thing 6: Index cards doing magic.

Here’s what I want:

There is a systems issue at Stompopolis, and I need to work it out this week.

My plan is to play with ALL THE INDEX CARDS.

And somehow the right patterns will reveal themselves.

Ways this might work:

I could make a board like a detective might do.

Or a secret wall like Charlie Crews (Charlie Crews!) had for mapping out the mystery and related possible conspiracies in Life.

I can do shiva nata on it until I see all the patterns and the new configurations.

I can talk to slightly future me about what will help.

I’m playing with…

Asking the 1st Mate to pick up some index cards. Colorful ones!

Wearing a costume.

Dancing around the room like a madwoman.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

One of the things I wanted the most was to find some sort of replacement for Beach Day that I could do on the Monday of Labor Day. And a big part of that was uncovering what the hidden elements are that make a day at the beach what it is.

So it turned out that one of those elements is the fact that everyone else is at work. So none of my possible-beach-day scenarios ended up being appealing to me. That was very interesting. I had a lovely nap, and a lovely playdate with my playmate. And it was kind of like a sick day. I think next year I may need to try actually going somewhere that feels like a holiday.

I wanted to brunch Plum Duff and we did it! In the last minute!

Then I wanted to write the big OOD, and I did not. It is scaring me. Taking that to Rally.

I also wanted to exit August and enter September, and we did both of those things here on the blog.

Also I wanted to prepare for a visit, and there was much thinking about that.

And I wanted to turn a corner, and the corner is here. This week, baby. Let’s do it.

Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.

Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine. Or call silent retreat!

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Postscript! You guys! Plum Duff is over in just FIVE DAYS. Plum Duff is magical and sparkly and great, and I want you to read about Plum Duff before it’s gone so that I don’t have to write about it! Password: heaveaway

Friday Chicken #215: and golden goblets

by Havi Brooks | Sep 7, 2012 | my personal practice

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Yet again I have absolutely no idea how it is Friday, and actually I feel a little bit disoriented by how not-Friday everything feels.

But here we are. Let’s peek.

The hard stuff

And the stupid part is that I didn’t even have the flu.

You know that thing that happens after you have the flu and you’re recovering, and everything sucks?

Because: you are tired. And cranky. And everything takes longer and feels heavier. Also things you normally like weigh you down.

And things you normally don’t mind are not fun.

This week felt exactly like that, except I didn’t have the flu so I wasn’t recovering from it.

It wasn’t like being depressed at all, it was EXACTLY like recovering from flu.

Ugh. Labor day.

It just felt like a sick day.

Stayed in bed.

I like this but I kind of wish that I didn’t.

Found out that someone I like used to skateboard, you guys!

Skateboarding is some serious Havi Catnip. I may like this person a little bit too much right now. I wish I did not have this piece of information!

Trying not to think about it. Lalalalalalala pancakes. As Lisa would say.

Stood up at three different appointments.

I have nothing to say about this.

Unbelievably unproductive.

May have reached new levels of not getting stuff done.

That’s what happens when you take a break from shiva nata.

And also when you have imaginary-flu that you are recovering from.

And also when you need a vacation.

Not taking iron.

This is not good.

Worried about something and can’t do anything about it.

But still worrying.

I am so upset about this!

My favorite place in town, now my least favorite place in town, is where I go for an amazing massage when I really, really, really needed that.

Their stuff is not inexpensive but they do deals on occasion. This year I gave myself a birthday gift of twelve treatments, to be spread out at delicious intervals. For meeee!

And the second one was supposed to be this week but they didn’t call me to confirm so I called them. Phone disconnected. They’re closed.

They’ve been in business for over a decade. Did not see this coming.

So yes, I’m upset that I paid for 12 treatments and only had one of them. But really I am more upset that they didn’t even, I don’t know, send an apology email. I mean, ANYTHING. Just to, I don’t know, acknowledge how awful it is.

And this is somehow worse because all summer long I have been comforting myself with the thought that yes, things are challenging right now but later I am going to have the best massage ever and have hot oil put in my hair and I will be happy.

And now none of those things are going to happen and my favorite place a) doesn’t exist and b) I don’t like them. Upset!

Also, didn’t this just happen? Oh, three years ago? And no, that situation never got resolved. The Better Business Bureau was useless, everyone we talked to was useless, we never got our mail. If you were still wondering.

The not-good news is still not-good news.

I want this to change please!

For the better, please.

The good stuff

I am okay.

This is not new but this week it was a very big deal.

And: I remembered that I am okay, and this was also a big deal.

Plum Duff! Plum Duff!

Plum Duff is something we do in the business maybe once a year that I would like to do more often. It’s not really a sale but it’s better than a sale!

Oh man, it was so much work to make it happen. But we pulled it off.

And now it is Plum Duff, and Plum Duff is the best, and I will tell you more about this when I make my announcement in the announcing part.

This is my favorite thing that we do. It makes for so many happy people and I get to be a part of it, and also it spreads hope and joyfulness and possibility. These are important things.

Ohmygod. The beautiful things people have been saying about Plum duff!

This is a very good reminder for me because I tend to think that people are all, oh right, that thing I wanted, now I will get it.

But they are so excited!

People all over the world who can’t come to the Playground are getting buttmonsters to squeeze, all through the magical door that is Plum Duff. Password: heaveaway

Anyway, the people who are getting Plum Duff stuff are so so so happy that it’s Plum Duff time. They are saying the most wonderful things in the shopping cart. The First Mate forwarded to me!

Like this:

“Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you x eleventy with extra special bounces for the plum duff toy shop specialness!!”

My heart is full of love and gladness. Thank you for reminding me.

I became a dragon this week!

Maybe I will tell you guys the story some time. It has to do with ritual and play, two of my favorite things.

It was cool. I now have the superpowers of many, many knights.

And the golden goblets.

Shiva Nata and wonder and delight.

I ran a training this week for an injured roller derby player, and it was AWESOME.

A new verb.

Of course. To play shiva nata. That is correct. Why did I not realize this before?

Then I played shiva nata, and everything was better.

All the ideas! I have all the ideas!

Amazing shiva nata that turned into a children’s book! And more.

I was playing with words and playing shiva nata, with my body and brain at the same time, and the words turned themselves into a story!:

So now we’re going to turn shiva nata into children’s stories. Into a shivanautical generator for children’s stories. And illustrate them.

Genius! Fun. Play. Adore. More on this to come.

Comfort.

There was comfort this week.

Thank you, Floop.

Thank you, Marisa. Thank you, Chuck. Thank you, everyone who showed up.

Havi’s playmate: Of course. Even when you’re sad.
Havi: That’s fortunate, because I have kind of a lot of sad.
Playmate: I have kind of a lot of “will sit with you and be with you.”

Playdates.

This was a week of playdate after playdate.

I think I said that last week too?

I like to play. I like to play like this. I like how it’s always different and always surprising and always new.

Happy.

Playdate Unplugged.

Unplugged!

Because everything is better unplugged.

But in this case: literally unplugging the plugs.

I will stop explaining now.

I am taking today off.

Unplugged. Again.

I am feeling hopeful about things that I was not feeling hopeful about before.

Finally.

The invention of the Cuddle Sutra.

There are many new sutras in the Cuddle Sutra.

I am going to be the expert in the arts of Imaginary Snuggling come winter.

Is this a proxy? It might be….

Rally is this coming week! Monday!

God I love Rally.

Rally!

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?

I am surproused. Very surproused! By so many things right now.
These opinions overlap with mine way more than they should. These are actually the right opinions. Oh, the Onion.
Black Hockey Jesus, still someone I love and care about. And the only person who could write a review of his daughter reading to him.
The AV club is doing their wonderful “get a bunch of amazing people to cover songs” thing again, and I love this and also I am so in love with Sharon Van Etten. As you know. My favorites this round were hers, obviously and this one (I have a known weakness for ridiculously skinny men singing), and also Memoryhouse doing the Police. It’s wonderful. People doing the magic thing that happens when you get together and SUDDENLY-MUSIC. The sad part is that you have to put up with Starbucks ads, and I loathe Starbucks more than I could possibly ever describe to you. And, as with anywhere-on-the-internet-that-is-not-here, avoid the comments.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is by way of my playmate, once again.

Out of context. But what isn’t?

The Leaping Croutons.

They’re loud and bouncy.

Though, of course, as you might have already guessed…. it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

You guys! PLUM DUFF!

It is now Plum Duff. Temporarily, at least.

Plum Duff days are the very best days. The best!

There are bonuses. There are amazing things that you normally can’t get. Things are special, sparkly and beautiful. And sweet.

The story and the Very Great Things are on the plum duff page, which needs a PASSWORD and the password is heaveaway but I am also going to put it below, like so:

THE PASSWORD! HERE IT IS. I AM GIVING IT TO YOU NOW: heaveaway

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Hello, September. Let’s passage in.

by Havi Brooks | Sep 6, 2012 | stuff I think about

It’s time to say hello to September, isn’t it.

I have been avoiding this. Surprise!

Mostly because September means the chagim: all the complicated Jewish holidays and the New Year. The cheshbon nefesh (literally: soul accounting) that goes along with that.

And I haven’t wanted to turn inward. I haven’t wanted to reflect.

I know, I know. I like reflecting. But this past year has been full of so much hard for me.

And then this morning I thought of something incredibly reassuring.

A reassuring thing (for me!) about September.

It occurred to me all of a sudden that hey wait what if this year of hard is almost over.

A symbolic crossing of a symbolic bridge.

Which could happen anywhere, of course, but look: a convenient and beautiful new year that is already where I begin counting the months and moons.

Recently I learned that my playmate counts the days of the year, which I love. (So, for example, today is Day 250. Hello, Day 250!)

But why would I start counting in January? What if my Year of Grief And Sorrow (and yes, it is a year, not ten months and not fourteen, I just know this to be true) is about to end come September?

I have decided that this is the case. It is its own sweet form of Amnesty.

This is the month where I transition out of the passage of all the things that are lost and passage into the place of filling up again.

That’s what it’s here for, and that’s what I’m here for. This is what I came to this morning.

Filling up.

I woke up on September 1st and I said — out loud: “It is time to fill up again.”

I had no idea what it meant.

Replenishing. This is a good and desired thing, yes. But where did it come from?

Then the next day I flipped the page on the Playground calendar, and it turns out that this is the month of Filling Up.

I chose that for this month over a year ago, and it stuck.

This is the month for filling up. For filling back up. For undoing depletion. For harmonizing. For saying yes to provision. For filling all the wells and drinking from all the wells and being all the wells. For delighting in the idea of plenty.

This is the month of FILLING UP.

It is decided. 🙂

What do I want to fill up on, September?

Oh September!

I want to fill up on you, sweet month of transition and change.

I want to fill up on all the lovely smells.

I want to fill up on trust and support, on wonder and delight.

Agility and flexibility, safety and protection, love and more love.

Containment and spaciousness, grounding and buoyancy.

Freedom. Effervescence. Strength. Fortitude. Reassurance. Lightness. Beauty. Marveling. Creative play.

All the possibilities and all the openings, just like in shiva nata.

My September wishes:

Graceful navigation of all circumstances.

Presence. Less reactive and more curious.

Ease.

Agile mind. Agile body.

Let me see beautiful things everywhere and be a source of beautiful things.

Things I’m looking forward to in September:

Layers! Wearing them.
Garden walks.
Tashlich.
Rally!
Discovering perfect simple solutions and laughing about how I didn’t see them before.
Entry for the Crossing.
Seeing Bryan.
Miracles.
Stompopolis!!!!
Playing with my playmate and delighting in play.
Rethinking what I want for the coming year: adjusting and moving with it.

What I want for September and for me-in-September….

Be a turning point.

Be a bend in the river.

Be the river.

Be full of clews. More and better!

Flow and passion and welcoming.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

Saying: I AM HERE NOW.

Being here now.

Play with me?

This practice is so different from month to month. I go with whatever comes. And this is what showed up this time (insert wry smile here).

For other variations, peek at: last July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February / March / April / May. A love letter to June. This year’s July and this year’s August.

You are welcome to write your own hello letter to September, if you like.

Or you can leave little pebbles for my love letter. Or drop off some gwishes for the month.

As always, we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.

Wishing you the most just-right September possible. May it be full of unexpectedly good things. And love. All the love.

Passage Out of August.

by Havi Brooks | Sep 5, 2012 | my personal practice

As we discovered last month, I am not so good with the goodbyes. Even though I adore entering things and saying hello.

Last month I was able to exit the month by passaging out of it. No goodbyes. Just sweet farewells.

So let’s try that again.

A loving look back at everything August turned out to be , so that I can enter September with a full heart.

Okay, August. Let us look at you and remember. Show me what I am done with and what I need to take with me. What I get to take with me.

August, oh August. Things I loved about August.

August was a month of neverending playdates. August was new forms of play and new configurations. August was coming home to understanding that I am someone who knows how to play .

August was sun.

Even more than that, August was me not hating the sun. Not getting triggered by the heat. Not hiding from it and not resenting it.

I got a tan. An actual tan. For the first time in years. I went to the beach every week and stared at the water for hours at a time.

Marisa was here, briefly, and we played and were in love with being together, and hopeful about all the hopeful things.

I worked through many, many layers of the unbelievable pain and grief of this past year. For the first time since oh, March, I wasn’t in the pain or as close to it, at least not to the same degree. More perspective, fewer tears.

Many fun people showed up in my life in August. Like Matt. And Jenny.

August was love. August was exploration and sweet meandering. August was receiving and giving and finding out what it’s like to be like this or to be like that. August was improvisation.

Things that were hard in August.

The awful piece of news that shook me and rattled me and undid all sorts of things.

(If you are feeling worried, please know this: I am healthy. I am safe. I am just really, really, really not liking this piece of news and still very much reeling from it.)

This piece of news reminded me of THEN, and brought up all kinds of THEN, and I have been wading through layers of THEN in my search to return to remembering why now is not then.

There are other things but that eclipsed them all.

Also I miss someone and I am tired of missing them.

But mainly just the fear and pain that came with this piece of news, and trying to figure out how I am going to react to it.

All the points! I win at August. Because…

I am awarding ridiculous amounts of sparklepoints. To myself! Because I can.

Specifically for:

Going to bed early.
Being with my body. Dance class every day. Yoga every day. Body body body. .
Asking for help, as much as I could. Which was not very much because I am not good at this. But still. Asking. Some..
Going back to the garden.
New steps for Havi of the bells.
Hanging in there.
Saying what I want. Even when it’s terrifying.
Using old skills from a long time ago that I didn’t want to ever use again. They still work, though. And I used them when I needed to.
Writing.
Spending lots of time in Stompopolis and in my Hypothalamus.
Finding the good.
Playing.
Wishing.
Staying true to the bigger vision.
Not over-working.
Finishing Plum Duff! It’s actually ready! This is a very big deal.

Things I want to remember and take with me from August.

Trust. Pleasure. Love. Delight. Wonder. Curiosity. Possibility. Comfort. Reassurance. Shelter. Faith — in the impossible and the unlikely.

Knowing that the bridges are inside of me.

Knowing that the thing I was most afraid of is not as bad as I’d thought it would be, and that I am tougher than I was when it happened THEN. Now is not then, now is not then, now is not then. This challenging month gets to be proof of that.

How August will help me passage.

I am entering September with focus and intention. With a readiness that comes from having been through the narrow places.

I am entering September with willingness.

I am keeping the strength and the flexibility, and letting whatever is done be done.

I am going into September with new strengths. With a steadiness and with a stronger flame. I believe this.

Next time there are lessons to learn, I’d rather not learn them like this. But strength: it’s here.

Stepping into the conduit.

I am taking everything I need with me.

I am releasing all the things that are done.

Fare thee well, August. Be a passage of love.

Play with me if you like.

If there is anything you want to say or remember about August, this is a secret fountain where you can whisper those things.

Or take a silent retreat. Or leave a flower or a stone.

We all have our stuff. We’re all figuring out our stuff. We make room for people by committing to not giving advice or telling people how they should feel.

This is a place for safe adventuring. We approach it with as much curiosity as we can muster, and a sort of loving non-dogmatic reverence.

*blows a kiss to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, and anyone who made it through August*

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