What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Very Personal Ads #145: flexibility, discernment and readiness
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
VPAs are late this week because I was out fulfilling a wish made here a few weeks ago: to drop everything when the sun comes out and go be in the sun.
And that was lovely. Normally I would have stayed in and grumbled. But I didn’t.
Thanks, me from two-weeks-ago for setting that up. You’re the best.
Anyway, Very Personal Ads. Let’s do this.
Thing 1: Flexibility.
Here’s what I want:
A sense of expansiveness. A freedom of movement that comes into every aspect of my day.
I’m not sure if I can say more about it than that, but I’m reminded of an interview I read with the founder of Tumblr who refused to schedule meetings, because what if you wanted to be doing something more fun?!
FASCINATING.
Also, last week slightly future me told me that the version of me me who is okay with [X thing I want] is the me who knows about flexibility. So that’s interesting too.
Ways this could work:
Dropping everything and heading to the park.
Doing my yoga practice in the garden, like I did this weekend.
There is also something in here about setting up structures and forms that ALLOW for unstructured play, but I don’t know how that works yet.
I could also have my phone call with A in the garden.
I can look for a clew in the novel I’m reading.
And I can spend more time talking to Flexible Me.
I’ll play with…
Canceling appointments.
Lots of yoga.
Being willing to be wrong.
Thing 2: Knee-length skirts.
Here’s what I want:
Pretty, comfortable, non-see-through knee-length skirts for wearing to the park!
Ideally they have pockets and can be rolled up into a bag. But not too sporty. A skirt-like skirt. But no ruffly bits or frills. Just a skirt.
Definitely not something that needs to be ironed or dry-cleaned or otherwise given attention.
I don’t really care about the material. Filmy is okay if not see-through.
And I feel happy wearing them.
I may have to have another conversation with the “you’re too fussy” monsters about how knowing what you want is the superpower of Discernment..
Ways this could work:
Maybe someone here has a place for skirts. Or even a skirt in mind.
Maybe I stumble upon the just-right thing.
Maybe the skirt and I find each other.
I’ll play with…
Asking my friend Rebecca for suggestions. She knows about things like this.
Wanting what I want.
Being receptive to the idea that something about this is important because I want it, and remembering that I do not need to know yet what that something is.
Thing 3: Stop, drop and picnic.
Here’s what I want:
To keep going to the park/garden whenever I feel drawn to.
Ways this could work:
Automatic Internal Permission Slip.
* It’s just one guy!
I’ll play with…
Testing it out.
Thing 4: [Silent Retreat!]
Here’s what I want:
I’m going on silent retreat on this one, but this particular ask has to do with confidence, grace and equanimity.
Ways this could work:
Interviewing slightly future me.
Doing an OOD.
Using the Floating Playground for support.
I’ll play with…
Asking lots of questions and skipping some stones.
And doing Shiva Nata on it, of course.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Last week I did ten wishes and asked four questions. The question-asking was super-useful!
I also liked using secret agent code for the wishes. That helped too.
Let’s see. Seven of them came true, and three are still in progress. Feeling pretty good about that, and I will re-plant the three that need some love.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
Friday Chicken #194: there’s always a clue
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
The high point of this week was eating spicy cheese curds in a bed that both President Obama and Bruce Willis have slept in. Though not at the same time.
That may also have been the low point of the week, it’s kind of hard to say.
The hard stuff
The roller derby bout against Chicago.
Torture.
Windy City played fine. If fine includes throwing a lot of elbows. Rose City, on the other hand, was a mess. We played like we were permanent residents of the alternate universe where we’d already lost by a hundred points.
The last two minutes redeemed the whole thing. But aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.
What a train wreck.
Depletion and exhaustion.
Yet again I overestimate the gap between almost out of gas and completely stalled.
Tried to run away on Emergency Vacation and it didn’t work.
Yup.
Oh so many mistakes. So much pain about the mistakes.
That was the theme of the week.
Nudnik at the bar.
Talked my ear off.
In related news: I’m opening a bar for introverts.
Force field troubles.
That’s never good.
No kidding.
Massage therapist: “Wow, so you’re really, really tense. So much tension here.”
Me (in my head): “Hmmm, I wonder why that would be. It can’t be because I’m launching five businesses and everything is behind schedule and my staff have either quit or are two minutes from having a gigantic mental breakdown, and it’s all on me to make this happen. Oh, wait. That IS why.”
Very upset about a thing.
And not sure what to do about it. Feeling helpless, vulnerable and frustrated.
And I’ll silent retreat the rest.
The good stuff
The last two minutes of the bout.
The last jam.
When Scald Eagle decided that winning had to happen
What followed was the most miraculous, spectacular, exciting, heart-breakingly gorgeous comeback in the world of athletics. Possibly in all of time.
Go immediately to the boutcast video and start at ONE HOUR AND NINETEEN MINUTES. And then watch it a bunch more times.
Also note that when Randy Pan says that Rose City can still pull it off, he does not actually think there’s a chance in hell it’s going to happen.
Those two minutes. Hall of fame.
I win!
I sneakily won an ebay bid in the very last second before it closed. While on the train. Oho!
Spontaneous joyful play time..
I was walking down the street to do a nice thing for myself when I ran into Chuck and she kept me company!
Epiphanies like crazy.
Thank you, Shiva Nata.
Thank you, mad processings at the Floop.
Found a clew
The nudnik had a clew for me.
A night away from it all.
It helped.
Massage.
That helps too.
Progress.
Gott sei dank.
Found the shoes I’ve been dreaming of.
Well, not so much dreaming of as wishing they existed. They do!
Last pair. In my exact size. Half off.
They are crazy gorgeous. And I am just ridiculously hot.
Rally starts on Monday.
Hooray for Rally (Rally!)
It’s going to be amazing.
Also this will be the first time that Rallions get to use the brand new Playground in addition to the former Playground (now the Caboose).
Very exciting.
Help and support from friends..
Thank you, Mechaieh for the beautiful package (and wow, calligraphy!) of playground presents.
Thank you, Danielle for endless schlepping.
Thank you, Chuck for drawing The Most Beautiful Map ever and
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is named for the happiest little girl in a stroller:
Fistfuls of Dandelions
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
We’re getting ready to re-organize the shop so if there’s something you’ve been wanting, you should probably get it now. The copy is kind of terrible copy, because I wrote it three or four years ago. But stuff you get is amazing.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Very Personal Ads #144: and now for something
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Doing things COMPLETELY differently this week, inspired by last week’s wish for ten wishes.
So here we go…
I am wishing for ten things.
In secret code.
While connecting to qualities.
And asking four questions.
And then doing OODs.
Here are the ten wishes I’m wishing.
- Attuning to the superpower of AFFECTION (shhh, it’s actually listening to Jenny’s message and maybe even responding?).
- Attuning to the superpower of SUPPORT (shhh, it’s actually listening to Svevo’s message and calling him back).
- Attuning to the superpower of POWER (shhh, it’s actually figuring out the stuck paypal thing and getting help with that).
- Attuning to the superpower of NAMING (shhh, it’s actually telling Eloise what to put on the signs).
- Attuning to the superpower of RENEWAL (shhh, it’s actually the Edit Order on the not-a-coupon).
- Attuning to the superpower of DIVINE DISGUISE (shhh, it’s actually pieces of a special boutfit).
- Attuning to the superpower of FREEDOM (shhh, it’s actually a tiny ship).
- Attuning to the superpower of DELIGHT (shhh, it’s actually the imaginary forest).
- Attuning to the superpower of DEEP DESIRE (shhh, it’s actually amethyst colored).
- Attuning to the superpower of PURE DESTRUCTION (shhh, it’s actually dealing with the people I do not like to speak about).
Here are the four questions I’m asking about each of these:
1. What do I want?
Unpack this.
2. What do I know about why I want this?
What is appealing about the essence of the want? What does this give me? How does this support me and take care of me?
3. What do I know about why I don’t want this, or about the resistance?
Specifically, how is the not-wanting understandable and legitimate?
Tiniest first steps?
Or: If I had someone who could help me do this, what would I ask for?
And that’s what I’m trying this week.
You’re more than welcome to stick with the traditional VPA formulation of what you want, ways this could work and what you’re going to play with.
I plan to be back to that next week.
This is what I’m going to be playing with today…
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Let’s see. I wanted to do more with my practice of Ten Wishes, and I’ve been doing it every day. Even got a special red notebook for it. Hooray!
Then I had an ask about cutlery, that was really about my Ludicrous Fear Popcorn around being a grown-up. But I did it! Not only did I process the hell out of it, using the Floop, but I also bought cutlery. A thousand billion trillion sparklepoints for me!
My next ask was about sun, and I learned a lot about that. Also there were spontaneous picnics in the park, which was lovely.
Then I wanted help interacting with the two biggest things that I’ve been avoiding, and I definitely made progress on one of them. The other one is next.
I wanted to ask my curious questions, and I did. Still working on that.
And then I wanted to plan my trip to Vancouver without taking a plane. Lots of help from commenter mice. Then a friend of mine volunteered to help me plan it, which was amazing. And I just now got a Very Unexpected Piece of News about that trip, so it’s kind of all in the air again. So we’ll see!
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #193: Stop, drop and picnic
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Such a better week for me than last week.
Giggling happily instead of crying. I needed this one.
The hard stuff
So. Much. To. Do.
We are working our asses off to open Stompopolis, and it is completely all-consuming.
And guess who has to come up with systems and operating manuals, procedures and protocol for five different businesses running on five different business models? Yup, that would be me. And I know, it’s my company so of course it’s me, but it is way too much for me, and I am insanely jealous of my friend who is opening a shop, because OHMYGOD A SHOP is so freaking easy compared to what we’re trying to do here.
Painful dreams.
Yes.
Plans changing.
Worse, crazy-inconsiderate decisions that force the plan-changing.
Pressure.
It’s the worst.
Also: I would like everyone in my life to please stop calling me to find out if I’m okay. I know it’s meant to be helpful but it’s not helpful. It just gives me more things on my mind when what I need most is FEWER things. If I wanted to talk, I would be talking.
There are fewer hours in the day than I think they are.
It is astonishing how I can be so very good at overestimating my capacity, as well as the capacity of everything else.
Big argument.
It didn’t last long but it hurt.
Resentment about being inside when the sun is out.
I don’t think I’ve been this pissed off about having to do indoor things in spring since high school.
Of course I really and truly tried to run outdoors every time the sun peeked out, but it was not enough.
Grrrrrrrrr!
Putting “work emergencies” ahead of me.
I know from experience that this is always the wrong decision, and that taking care of myself first is imperative. It is such an Absolutely Absolutely that it trumps all the other absolutely absolutelies.
And yet I broke this rule four different times this week, and paid for it each time. This can’t happen.
Being wrong.
Specifically: thinking that now is going to be like then when actually now is quite and completely different from then.
Which is good, because all that stuff from then was awful.
But getting sucked back into that basic misunderstanding.
Why is there pizza everywhere? I want some so badly it’s driving me crazy.
Stupid Passover. Craving everything. Wanting to snatch pretzel sticks out of the hands of innocent toddlers.
WHEN WILL IT END?!?!
Oh, right. This weekend. Fine.
The good stuff
Sun in the park.
Picnics in the park.
Magics in the park.
Everything is good when there is sun.
And then I made a Highly Improbable wish and it came true almost instantaneously.
JOY!
The stone of DO IT.
I have a stone! It says Do It!
Actually without the exclamation point, but I can feel the exclamation point.
Sometimes Rummy the squirrel carries the stone and sometimes I put the stone in front of me when I’m doing yoga, for extra reminders.
Dooo it!
Giant epiphany of epiphanies.
Yay, Shiva Nata.
And yay yoga.
Amazing wonderful everything-yoga and Shiva Nata this week at the Playground.
Full of laughter and delight, ending with full body tingling buzzing vibrating pure state of happy, in the full KNOWING of the new epiphanies that are completely blowing my mind.
WOW.
Potato kugel.
Mmmm kugel.
Getting what I need, in a variety of forms.
Lots of help from Chuck and Danielle.
Going to special magical Portland-ey places and finding exactly the pieces that the new Playground needs.
We found the right desk, we found the right materials for the new Costumery, everything is happening!
The Floop!
I love the Floating Playground so much, I can’t even tell you how delighted I am.
People are seriously living by the stuff we practice here, and it is rippling out into the world and it is incredible.
Body.
Feels really, really good.
Hopeful and excited!!!
Yes. More of that, please.
Soaking in the hidden pool.
Everything is good.
Flowers.
And buying them for me. Without needing a reason.
Just happy
I’ve been working through a lot of hard and it is moving out of my space, and that feels really important.
Plus, Chuck and I were practicing Stop, Drop & Picnic all week, which makes everything better too. It really, really, really does. Try it!
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band isn’t playing until after Saturday, sadly.
But the show is going to be awesome.
Reunited With The Glory Of Bread Products
They make os much noise, you’d never guess that it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Do you have the monster manual? Not only does it come with the best coloring book in the world (and coloring my monsters was one of the things that made this week so much better than last week), but it is absolutely the most important information about how to interact with internal fear-mongers (and external ones too, since they often say the same things).
If you’ve been thinking about getting it, now would be a good time. Especially because we’re going to be reconfiguring the shop and some prices will go up. Anyway, monster manual & coloring book!
ALSO, do a lovely thing for our @evejacques (and for …the world!) by liking this facebook page about Mark Hamill playing the Joker in the animated Killing Joke.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Everything is a Costume
The other day I had one of those impossible-to-describe shivanautical epiphanies that is so beautiful and simple that it almost can’t be said out loud.
But I am saying it anyway.
It went something like this, but it wasn’t just words. It was deep inside my skeleton.
Everything is a costume. Everything can be a costume. You can turn anything into a costume.
Everything is a costume.
All the special things you wear that help with identify-shifting and process. But ALSO things you can’t see!
A concept can be a costume.
Or a question. Or an idea. Or a desire. A dream. A gwish!
You can wear these, and they will show you what it’s like to live according to whatever it is.
But also other things are costumes because everything is a costume.
I can’t explain it better than that so I’m just going to tell you about the invisible costumes that I am trying on today.
Today.
Today I am experimenting with the costume of Someone Who Has No Problem Whatsoever Typing Up This Giant Pile Of Notes And Is Even Pleased About It.
Today I am wearing the costume of Someone Who Actually Buys Flowers For Her Workspace.
Today I am trying on the costume of Someone Whose Feet Are So Important To Her That They Kind Of Rule Her Life And She Is Completely Okay With That.
Today I am in the costume of Someone Who Keeps A Stone With A Secret Message In Front Of Her At All Times.
And, speaking of stones, I found another costume that lives inside a stone skipping card that I picked from the deck of cards that lives at the Playground:
If my pretend mentor were here to help me…
So I’m also trying on the costume of the Me Whose Pretend Mentor Is Right There And Ready To Help.
The costumes talk, as it turns out.
I am only slightly surprised that these costumes are changing every aspect of how my day is going.
But I have been VERY surprised about how much I am learning about these different costumes/identities/aspects of me.
Like the costume of Someone Who Actually Buys Flowers For Her Workplace.
She is very interesting.
She thinks her work is special and sacred. She cares for her work. She thinks that anything that keeps her in a state of inspiration and appreciation is hugely important. She values beauty in a variety of different forms.
She’s significantly more comfortable than I am with doing things in grand fashion. She’s almost a symbol of the next step in that direction.
I was also surprised to learn that the flowers she wanted were not at all as expensive as I’d thought they were, that she has VERY specific tastes, and that she has a warm, smiley and peaceful way about her. Who knew?
This is the experiment. Join in if you like. Comment zen etc.
Invent, discover or proclaim any costumes you like.
You could wear something that goes with them or you can just try them on as they are. Or you don’t have to try them on at all. You could just name them. That’s a kind of costume too.
If you would like, share some possible costumes here. Or not. You can also go on silent retreat or leave some flowers. Or take some flowers. We have lots of flowers.
As always, we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. Each of us takes responsibility for our own stuff. We let other people have their stuff. We make space for each other. It’s how we practice.
I have lilies. Spectacular lilies. Raised a half an hour away from here. They are a rich, rust-red, and they almost glow.