What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #188: Pallas in the Palace
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Chicken is late tonight — I had a madcap day of back-to-back meetings, all related to the gigantic new Playground and related businesses that we’re about to open.
In addition to running the current Playground, which is about to become the Playground Caboose.
Anyway, you can add THAT to the hard and to the good of this week.
I’m here now. Happy almost-over Friday, and oh sweet weekend, thank goodness you’re here.
The hard stuff
Migraine all last Friday.
Worse: it’s that familiar migraine. I know what this is about and I am not liking it.
Setting expectations is incredibly, incredibly hard.
This week I had a lot of sadness about that to process.
You know what else is really hard? Releasing expectations.
Yes, yes it is.
More unanswerable questions.
If people were even slightly aware of how much their questions reveal about themselves, and how little the questions are actually questions, well, the world would be a really different place.
I feel strongly about not answering questions that fall into this category, but I have yet to find a way of explaining that.
I’m waiting for the right loving, gracious response that lovingly, graciously explains why I am not responding. Haven’t found it yet, but I’m sure it’s on the way.
Worry.
Worrying about the entry space to the new playground and how to make it feel special and otherworldly.
Worrying about other things.
Forgetting.
Specifically: forgetting about some of the most important Absolutely Absolutelies.
Like how body time always has to come first. Yoga time always at end of day, no matter what. Because otherwise I can’t function in the way that I need to function in order to __________. I’m filling in the blank with about a hundred different things here!
These can’t get pushed aside for work stuff anymore. If I’m having a zombie day, body time can be super restorative. It can even be napping.
But no more like this. I am so very done with compromising the things that matter most. I’m done with internal pressure and done with external pressure. DONE.
Nothing can get in the way of this thing that I need. Ever again.
I forgot how important it is to stand for the things that take care of me, and it hurt.
Unexpected schedule changes that make more work for me.
See also: releasing expectations.
The good stuff
Chrysalis.
The Director told me to remove myself for my birthday.
And I did.
It was nothing less than incredible.
I have more trust in the chrysalis process because of the ridiculously transformative thing that happened last time, but this time the passage was a much bigger one.
Hamentaschen.
I baked. For Purim. With figs and currants.
I love baking hamentaschen.
Even though I can’t eat them.
Happiness.
First painting party at the new Playground.
We had eight people come to the new Playground to help out.
The mezzanine is now painted. The ceiling of the treatment room is installed. And progress progress progress!
There is still way more work to be done before we can open, but I am feeling hopeful. And if you’re in Portland this weekend and you want to join us, PLEASE let me know on our Frolicsome Bar facebook page.
Birthday.
For me and for the business.
Last year was the first time that I really got to take time for myself.
And this year that was even better.
Friends.
I am huge loner, but this year I experimented with going out to drinks with some girlfriends to celebrate the tenth anniversary of my divorce.
Pattern-shifting, again.
Wonderful massage with Wally.
My hips feel amazing.
Epiphanies and realizations…
So many! I can’t even stand it.
Between the Shiva Nata and the stone skippings and interviewing Athena about secret things, everything in my life is different now.
That’s really crazy. But it’s also really great.
Athena.
[Silent retreat!]
Being done.
I’m taking a sabbatical from a bunch of things that don’t feed me.
And this feels really liberating instead of painful, which is how I’d imagined it would be.
Thank you for all the presents, for me and the Playground!
Thank you, Audrey and Barbara and Casey for sending blue, purple and green cloth for the new Treatment Room.
Thanks, Yael for fun play-filled books.
Thanks, Claire for beautiful stickers, and Angela and others for the sweet cards.
Thanks, Foxy Jess, for sending presents and toys for the new Playground!
Thank you, Briana for the perfect reminder about magic.
Thank you, Richard, for the Power Tool.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Where Is The Surprise?
And yes, it’s just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
We just had two people cancel for the March Rally (Rally!). There was one spot open, so now that’s three.
This is HIGHLY unusual. And an amazing opportunity for whoever jumps on it.
And here’s the thing.
Most of the 2012 Rallies are already sold out. We’re only doing four in 2013, and those are filling up too. And then no more Rallies.
Well, there may still be Rallies at the Playground. But not with me.
So. If you’re thinking Rally, this could be your magical opening. See: Rally!
March 19-22.
It is going to be life-changing and magical. Plus you’ll get to see the new Playground before it opens!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
A candle and a birthday wish.
A year ago today, I accidentally came up with a just-right-for-me birthday practice.
I put it here, of course, and called it a letter from me-today to me-a-year-from-now.
And now I just reread it.
Thank you, letter. Thank you, last-year-me.
Man, I had absolutely no idea. I knew how big the vision was but I didn’t realize how big my plantings were. I didn’t realize how incredibly different today would feel.
Today. Today is a really big day for me.
As you know, my company turns SIX today.
The vision for it turns seven.
And I get to find out what it’s like to be thirty five. It’s kind of hot, actually.
Meanwhile, my most glowingly beautiful and long-awaited tiny sweet things, Stompopolis and the brand new Playground and the Floating Playground have all come into the world last week.
Everything is new. Everything is big. Everything is crazy-sparkly and impossibly full of possibility.
I remember reading an interview once with a scientist who said something about the feeling of having made an outrageously bold prediction and then it turns out to be right. It feels like that.
And the biggest thing is that I’m hardly falling apart at all. Weirdly enough.
Bridge. Me from a year ago. Me from a year from now.
Actually the biggest thing is that last-year-me set it all up. Without even knowing that this was what would or could happen.
So I want to hug her! And I want to pass the gift that I received to next-year-me. I want to prepare for the voyage by remembering that everything I do is for us.
Oh, next-year-me. Wow. She’ll be experiencing things I can’t imagine — a level or frequency of radiance, internal connection and happy humming that I don’t even know about yet.
Sometimes things will be hard. But she’ll meet the hard with more equanimity, with patience, curiosity and spaciousness.
And sometimes things will be ecstatically blissfully beautiful. And she’ll interact with that experience too.
That’s what I wish for her. Presence. Grace. Sweetness. Delight.
And I want to help.
Dear me in a year from now,
We’re here!
Thank you for your guidance and direction in getting here. And not just getting here but getting here like this.
What I wish for you.
Flow, sweetness, autonomy, community, agility, grace, possibility, courage, resilience, shelter, trust, beauty, voyaging, clarity. To feel like you belong completely — in your body, your power, your business, your home and your world. And, of course, to be secretly humming your happy hum at all times.
I know these are already available to you. But you feel them and you talk to them so easily.
What I do for you.
I still pause before each entry and each exit.
I give us loooong transitions.
I talk to the Director and Ath and my other incoming selves. I go into chrysalis mode when they tell me to.
I try to remove things that disconnect me from myself and from the hum.
I try to bring more of things that reconnect me to myself and to the hum.
Glow sitting. Old Turkish lady yoga. Writing. Stone skipping. Walking. Shiva Nata. Wanting what I want. Processing the process. Playing. Being alone. Finding out what is needed.
And, as Bryan says, respecting the decisions that my body has already made for me.
What I need from you.
I will repeat the thing I asked for last year, because it worked so beautifully:
Remind me that my gwishes are valid — that my wanting is legitimate and useful.
Show me how much you benefit from each piece that gets put into place now.
Comfort me when I am fearful.
The planting of the gwishes.
[This is where I listed all the things I want from the coming year.
These are silent gwishes – things that are in between goals and wishes. They have to do with being the queen of my internal world and everything that comes from that.]
What I am giving you.
Signs and reminders.
The double flags flanking the new door: Cascadia and the Jolly Selma.
A new fairy door.
Candles and candles and candles.
The book of OODs.
An itinerary for pirate queen holidays.
A brand new office, with the best view.
Flowers.
And going Long, Slow & Deep into the night.
This is your year.
I cannot wait to meet you.
Play with me! The commenting blanket fort.
If you like, write a letter to you-in-a-year.
It can be as short or as long as you’d like. You can share it here or not. You can borrow the structure that came to me or invent your own.
Otherwise, I am currently receiving warm smiles and waving of kerchiefs as this ship embarks.
As always: this is a wonderfully safe place. We let everyone have their stuff and their own experience. We make space for people by being welcoming, and not giving unsolicited advice.
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads. And a wave to all the other fishies.
Very Personal Ads #138: I can celebratorily abscond with the best of them!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: birthday chrysalis
Here’s what I want:
I want to Abscond for my birthday and go into a chrysalis. Yes, I still find that word to be cheesy. And the last one worked so well that it was kind of scary.
I want to disappear into the best nest ever.
But I also want to do things that are CELEBRATORY and communal.
Ways this could work:
I could do an OOD.
I could investigate why I am resisting this so much.
Oh, wait. Is it guilt that everyone in my company is working their asses off to get our new space open while I run away? Is it terror that the Millions Of Things That Need Doing will not get done? Is it the fear that something at the Floop will break? Is it confusing now with then even though Now Is Not Then?
Yes, yes it is. It is all of those things and more.
So I could play with that and find out more about what the resistance needs.
I’ll play with…
Coloring with some monsters, using the monster coloring book. And of course using the manual to talk things out.
Talking to the Director about why this is important.
Thing 2: Marking things that need to be marked.
Here’s what I want:
In addition to my birthday, and The Fluent Self turning six (but kind of sort of seven!), this week also marks ten years since the day I got divorced.
I want turning inward, reflecting, gwishing, time for cheshbon nefesh.
Literal translation: soul accounting.
I want to mark these things by being beautifully present for them.
I want spaciousness and yoga and mostly just time to let everything show itself.
And I want to take time to be appreciative of things like FREEDOM. And how my divorce experience changed everything in my life for the better, even though it really and truly sucked at the time.
Ways this could work:
Inside the chrysalis.
Time being magic. Pockets and slots.
But I also think I want some kind of public celebration for some of this. I have to figure that part out too.
I’ll play with…
Skipping the stones in a garland, so that I end with the question I began with.
Thing 3: More cloth for the new Playground, please!
Here’s what I want:
We’re doing ceiling treatments for two of the new rooms, and we need cloth.
Specifically: all shades of greens, blues and purples.
Ideally about a square foot in size. Or a foot in length and then half that in width. But whatever, bigger, smaller, anything you have. Cutting up old t-shirts could work too.
Ways this could work:
I’ll play with…
Asking you guys.
Here’s our mailing address:
The Fluent Self, Inc
1526 NE Alberta #218
Portland, OR 97211
United States
And also THANK YOU, everyone who has already donated cloth to this project — Casey, Audrey, Susan, Barbara, Laura, Foxy Jess, anyone else that I might be forgetting!
Thing 4: Courage.
Here’s what I want:
To connect to courage and trust and internal strength.
Ways this could work:
I can use some of the boards at the Floop for this.
I’ll play with…
Talking to the monsters and finding out what I’m trying to protect myself from. Because maybe there’s a better way to accomplish that.
Thing 5: To answer a question without answering it.
Here’s what I want:
Actually there are about three questions that I need help with.
Ways this could work:
Connecting to the qualities. Remembering that not everything requires a response. Caring for myself first.
I’ll play with…
Doing some Shiva Nata on this situation, and seeing what it reveals.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted things to be easy, fun and magical. And they mostly were. Which I find astonishing. Need to ask that one more often, apparently.
Then I wanted the embarking of the Floating Playground (the Floop!) to go smoothly, and thank god it did.
I wanted to do something for Now We Are Six, so I wrote about it. Still sitting with this one. Maybe some sort of small virtual celebration?
Also I wanted directives from the Director, and that happened some but not as much as I’d like. Re-asking, and committing to getting quiet enough to listen.
I planted something for the Secret Escape, and now I’m working on that.
There was an ask for the first Painting Party at the new Playground and it’s happening. See: the Frolicsome Bar.
And I wanted everyone happily not-being-me. I suspect that a number of people at the Floop are working on that as a secret project of sorts, so that’s good too.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #187: Floop floop floop floop!
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week had about a hundred weeks inside of it.
Hi, Friday.
I’m a little dazed, but glad we’re here.
The hard stuff
I have never worked so hard.
Seriously.
Sunday, Monday and Toozday of this week were unbelievably intense.
I have never had so many gigantic things going on at the same time.
Getting ready for the Great Embarking of the Floating Playground on the Day of Leap (Wednesday). Which is the culmination of more than six months of non-stop work.
Getting ready to open the band new Destuckification Playground and the Treatment Room and The Napping Room and the new Shiva Nata studio. Ditto.
Doing that physically in the space, and energetically and emotionally. And creating the systems for it.
And trying to do it all in a way that’s harmonious and congruent with the bigger culture of my company.
Wishing for patience.
While all this is going on, there are a variety of people waiting on answers related to all these systems things we’re figuring out.
And everyone wants an answer at the same time.
Also for containers.
I would like peaceful stations for arriving at my own answers, and for other people to have peaceful stations to arrive at their own answers. And some sort of no-poking zone would be good too.
Wanting appreciation and recognition.
The thing with doing seventy billion important things behind the scenes is that when you’re doing your best work, it’s completely invisible. Seamless.
As it should be.
But I am noticing how much I want the world to say: GOOD JOB, THAT WAS CRAZY HARD AND YOU ARE AMAZING FOR PULLING IT OFF.
That’s my stuff. Luckily, I have the Director to talk to about it.
Having an epiphany and not wanting to act on it.
Thanks to some particularly bad-ass Shiva Nata this week, I had about ten thousand amazing epiphanies.
One in particular really deeply showed me what needs to happen next.
And I don’t feel ready to do anything about that just yet. More to investigate on that front. Especially about what I think “ready” entails.
Envelopes of doom.
Lots of unknown entities this week that presented themselves as Possibly Scary.
I had to open metaphorical envelopes that I didn’t want to open. And call AT&T because of an ominous-sounding message from them.
Most of my week was processing and getting ready for that.
I chose to do a thing I didn’t want to do.
And now I know more about that.
Some concepts that I teach take longer to sink into the culture than others.
This is hard for me to remember.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.
And now I know more about that too.
The good stuff
Using my superpowers.
That’s all I want to say about that. Silent retreat!
The Floop! It is here!
I have been working on the Floating Playground since August-September.
It is the culmination of so many different things.
It is a way to make Rally (Rally!) happen all the time, online. Fun, playful exploration. What I have been wishing for. With everyone excitedly exploring all the rooms and finding out what patterns they want to play with.
It is the result of everything I have learned the hard way over the past several years.
And it is the thing I wish for the most: to play in community, with creative and loving people, while still getting to have spaciousness, and to go into powerful seclusion for internal process.
Everything came together right on time, as it needed to.
Getting to open on the Day of Leap was an incredible experience.
The Day of Leap.
Four years ago on the day of leap, I took a gigantic personal leap.
And this week I got to enjoy a different kind of transition.
Now is not then.
And thank goodness for that.
When you set the container right, everything is good.
There was a lot of setting up that happened this week.
The alignment exercise is magic.
I did alignment with AT&T and the person I’d be speaking to, and it was INCREDIBLE.
The person I spoke to was absolutely delightful. I have never had that much fun talking to someone at a call center. We laughed and played and enjoyed each other’s company. Everything that I wanted to get done happened smoothly and easily.
This exercise *always* astounds me, but this time it really was spectacular.
I don’t ever have to do the thing that I don’t want to do again.
That’s a wonderful thing to know.
Gigantic shivanautical epiphanies.
It just keeps getting better.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
Take a look at Bent Tuba from @verdissage.
Claire wrote a post about making changes on the day of leap.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
The one about Beacons, and also: The Cover Story.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Permanent Grace Period.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
I’m about to redo our shop page and take some things down. Will update when I have details.
In the meantime, you’re on the list, right?
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Now We Are Six. And: Hello, March.
We’re here. It’s March.
On March 7th, my company turns SIX. Six!
Six years since I marched into City Hall in San Francisco and declared this a business.
Six and a half years since we launched this website. Seven years since the idea and the first vision.
And nearly two years since we opened the Destuckification Playground, our fabulously crazy not-like-anything-else-in-the-world center in Portland, Oregon.
It’s a lot to celebrate. Also, my business and I share our birthday, so it’s a pretty big day of Reflecting for me personally as well.
Hello, March. What I want from this experience.
Oh, March. If I am going to enter as I wish to be in it, then I want to take this moment to connect to how I want to feel.
The qualities that I want to spend time with this month.
Presence. Sweetness. Ground. Grace. Possibility. Belonging.
The superpowers of MARCH.
Transition. Forward movement. Expansiveness. Shelter. Passage. Springtime. Entry.
Turning the page. Naming the moon.
This morning I turned the page to March on the gorgeous Playground calendar.
There’s a space to write in the name of the moon, and I thought I didn’t know what it should be, but then I knew:
The Moon of ARRIVAL.
March, I am looking forward to these things about you:
Expanding into the MUCH larger Playground space. Yay! Excitement!
Painting the new Playground. Preparing to move into my new offices.
Enthusing gleefully!
Gearing up to open the new Shiva Nata studio.
My birthday. The Director told me that all sorts of important things happen through the passage of this particular birthday. It’s about sevens, again.
Walking in the park.
Feeling strong.
Flowers EVERYWHERE.
The air smelling like dirt and freshness and new openings.
The March Rally (Rally!), of course.
Playing happily at the Floating Playground, which just opened YESTERDAY and is already an astoundingly magical place.
What will help me this month?
Paying attention to internal architecture: tubes and arches.
Talking to my spine.
Getting low.
Rolling around on the floor doing old Turkish lady yoga.
Being outside.
Dreaming my dreams and writing about them. The writing part is important.
PLAY!
What does the Director have to say?
She says:
“Your genius is culture. You know better than anyone how to establish culture that is safe, playful, unique, creative and joyful. You know how to make environments where people can get to know their internal wise and fascinating selves. When you recognize the importance of living in that world yourself, everything else can happen really easily.
This is so much bigger than you think. And it will be so much more fun than you think. But the only thing that matters now is making sure that every day you are dedicating time and energy to making space for yourself.
Make space for yourself so that you can do your work through humming your happy hum.
You think you don’t know how to do this but you do! I’ve even seen you do it.
I am with you every step of the way. Keep asking me and I will remind you.”
March, I hope you feel welcome.
I’m really glad you’re here. I’m glad that we’re here.
I am going to try to remember that Now Is Not Then. That my relationship with you-now is different than my relationship with any other March of years past.
Show me what you know. I’m up for the adventure.
Play with me? And comment zen for today.
You are welcome to write your own Hello, March.
You can write March a letter, drop off some gwishes, or give it a new name.
(If you like, peek at other months — July and August and September and October and November and December and January and February.)
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.
And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
Wishing you a beautiful and welcoming March.