What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Rewriting a narrative & other bedtime practices
Rewriting a narrative & other bedtime practices
The monsters of bedtime and their long list of regrets!
As soon as I get into bed at night and begin to consider the world of sleep and dreams, the monster-litany of regrets begins.
It’s a list, made by my monster voices of self-criticism, of all the things I didn’t get done during the day, even though I meant to, and all the ways I fell short at [everything].
And, as the listing of items goes on, I also notice some genuine sorrow in my heart about the gap between how I wish to live and how a day in my life actually goes.
The question remains
The question remains, as always, how do I disconnect from this monster-ing worldview of Shame & Blame, while meeting any heart-sorrow and myself with love and patience?
In other words, without being even remotely impressed by anything my monsters have to say, how can I also use this as a way to get closer to myself?
How can I locate and use the neutral information inside of the list, because once we strip away the guilt over what hasn’t been done, the list is full of clues about my true yeses and how I want to live…
What is a monster-litany
For anyone unfamiliar, I use the phrase monster talk to describe the cacophony of self-criticism that is a combination of internalized cultural stuff that comes from capitalism + puritanism (“you should have done more today, striving & achieving & accomplishing is what life is all about and you are bad at life!”), and various internalized family stuff. Stuff-stuff! So much of it.
Let’s not forget the general doubt-anxiety-shame spirals related to being a person in a body in a society.
The fraughtness of existing, sure, let’s call it that. Monster talk is the internalized blame-shame spiral of the world we live in, put into thoughts. Thoughts that sometimes pretend they are mine! But they aren’t, not really.
A part of me but not the whole of me, a part of me but temporary
They are a part of me, but not the whole of me, a part of me but temporary and meaningless.
And, importantly, they are not aligned in any way with what I actually believe in a heart-soul sense or a felt sense.
You know what, they are hop-ons!
Thought-hop-ons, that’s hard to say! But you know what I mean.
We can firmly instruct them to leave, and we can also notice who and what hops on, and get better at loving-discernment, which might be a form of loving-clarity.
Hearing or perceiving, naming & noticing
For me it helps a lot to name what they say so that I can separate it out from what I actually believe or want to believe. I will give examples of how this works!
Recognizing is how I separate from it, and separating from it is how I am able to meet myself with compassion, to the best of my ability, or get a reality check from friends if I can’t.
This practice of noticing is also a way to remind myself that this collection of cultural expectations, obligations and shoulds are a) impossible to meet to begin with, and b) often entirely unrelated to how I actually want to live or be in the world.
Approaches
So I wanted to talk about some of the approaches I use to quiet this, or reframe it or turn it around, so that I can sleep well and not spiral into anxiety, dread and the bad place.
And also I just wanted to talk about the phenomenon in general, because naming the pattern helps us see it or otherwise perceive that it’s happening.
And interacting with what’s happening reminds us that we can be in conscious relationship with these patterns instead of them running / ruining our lives, yes? Okay, let’s talk about it!
Technique: Thank you for the list!
If we put all the shame, blame and feelings aside for a moment, we have just been given a comprehensive list of what to focus on the next day, week or month.
If I just jot down the list of things and leave off the finger-wagging, now I have some direction.
I am always clear with monsters that I do not accept rudeness. I might say, You absolutely cannot speak to me like that, you are welcome to name the things you’d like us to work on this week, and you are going to be kind about it, because that’s how I best receive information.
Reminders (for me, for monsters, for all of us)
I might also remind them (and myself) that the list of what we think can be done in a day is always significantly longer than what can actually be done in a day.
Not only that, this was also true long before my concussion, before long covid, back in more energetic and able-bodied days.
And I remind them and myself that we have run many experiments with the Internal Scientists to demonstrate again and again that our perceptions and expectations of what can be done in a day are not anchored in consensus reality. Turns out that things take time actually, and sometimes we need to let them percolate.
And then I thank them for the list.
Technique: The reverse list
They named what I didn’t do? Great, let’s name what I did do.
Not, to be clear, that I think doing (doing anything, doing in general) is the be all and end all of being a person!
In fact, just the opposite. I actually happen to believe that not-doing is often valuable, healthy, meaningful and important, and even when it’s not, it can be neutral.
There’s no reason (if we can take a breath and remember a world beyond capitalism and internalized guilt) to think that not-doing is negative. This is something I’ve written about quite a bit.
However, in addition to reminding myself of all of the above, I like to make a list of what did actually happen in the day, because quite often it is more than I remember, more impressive that I am inclined to give myself credit for, and clarifying in a way that is useful.
Could a depressed person do all of that???? Turns out I did!
Naming what I actually did
My monsters of course are furious about literally everything that did not get done, and have all the usual complaints: you accomplished nothing, aren’t doing the minimum, wasting your life and your talents, falling behind etc etc, and they notice so many things I didn’t do…
And yet, look at what happened today! So many wins for one day!
- 35 minutes of morning kitchen jog used to be hard but it’s fun & easy now!
- 90 minutes of slow morning yoga
- homemade banana bread for breakfast, the decadence!
- cooked down ten onions for two hours until they were what Tamar Adler refers to as Elusive Golden Jam, to go on everything, for now on red chile rice…
- made coffee anise cardamom syrup to have with chai tomorrow
- listened to a podcast and learned things
- bravely did kitchen congruencing & organizing even though it can be so hard and stressful, I am the bravest
- heroically remembered to take vitamins
- went through email
- cleaned out a scary drawer, good job!!!
- hand-washed some garments and hung them to dry
- mostly stayed focused & calm, a miracle
- did some journaling
- hell yeah, taking steps towards yeses even when it feels like just fighting with no
Naming a wish-hope!
And maybe tomorrow I will have more luck with transitions from one activity into the next and not find myself turning to distractions that make me feel bad…
Maybe I will be able to find a way from morning movement practice into supportive forms of doing (or not-doing!), and not distraction ops that make me feel bad…
Lighting an imaginary candle for this beautiful wish!
Naming and noticing other wins!
Monsters stay enraged about the list, and yet…
My wise self points out that the fact that today wasn’t a space out & stim day even though yesterday involved cooking for several hours, which means I need less recovery time than I used to, which is amazing actually.
I am forgetting that even though my unequivocally good days are rare, I’m having fewer crash days!
And all that is impressive actually as much as monsters want to say it’s not, and all the more so after a busy day that had involved a lot of standing.
Forgot to do some important things, but they can go on the list for tomorrow, it’s gonna be okay, babe.
Bonus: Naming the things I don’t perceive to be impressive but would like to!
This is basically a rewriting exercise. For example, my monsters think aimlessly pacing is a waste of time and a form of avoidance, and something I do too much that is wasting my life, but what if it’s not…?
An hour pacing, good job, babe! Good job, being autistic! Good job, knowing you need to move and then giving yourself movement! Pacing is such a useful way to let thoughts work themselves out, it’s a form of release, it helps with perspective, what if we get extra points (sparklepoints parade) for pacing…?
Good job, stimming. Good job, staring staring out the window aka taking in nature aka giving yourself a break aka letting the slow healing process be what it is, good job, good job!
Good job, figuring out that your mood could be shifted by doing a hair wash in the sink since we still don’t have a working shower. Good job, realizing that vacuuming would help.
Technique: Get a reality check, it helps!
I love sharing this list with my friends, because they are way more impressed than I am, and this perspective helps me be kinder with myself.
My friends notice things that I don’t appreciate. They say things like, Wow, you are so committed to your movement practice, and that’s beautiful. Baking banana bread so you have it for tomorrow is such a good plan! Cake for the collective! An inspiration to us all!
And if I tell them that I am feeling anxious because I perceive (monster-thought!) that I have Done Nothing and Everything Is Bad, they know what that’s like! The most relatable thing ever!
And they can see it differently with their wisdom and loving-kindness (loving-clarity!), and by doing this, I am reminded of the ways I can see things differently too.
Related technique: how would I respond to a friend
And how do I respond, quite often actually.
Because this happens to my friends too, and it is very easy for me to see how what they were able to accomplish on the most stuck days is valuable, meaningful, and planting fractal flowers for the future.
Good job, crying through therapy for the collective! Good job, watching a movie and getting clues! Good job, going down a rabbithole that will prove useful later! Good job, learning what doesn’t work so you can try something else next time! Good job, fudge and popcorn for breakfast is so celebratory and inspiring! Hell yeah, making it work!
I feel such warmth, love, adoration and enthusiasm for my friends. I am wholly unimpressed by their monster thoughts in the same way that they are unimpressed by mine. I can unequivocally see the good in how they did what they could.
So even if friends aren’t available to give me a reality check about my monster list, I can imagine what they would say, or what I would say to them if it were their list.
Technique: the wise self counter-narrative
This is something I figured out I could do one day while doing gentle yoga before bed and contemplating the difference between a monster narration of my day, as opposed to the way my wise loving self might narrate or interpret what happened…
A monster narration:
Aaaaah I screwed up and deprived myself of the most vital thing for my mental and emotional well-being (morning stretching and sun salutations) in pursuit of FOMO (going to the farmers market) and it wasn’t even good!
I squandered what little energy I have, and wasted time and money for nothing, then was too hungry to function, ate all the food on hand, scrolled into oblivion, and yet again I am a known loser who makes bad choices and no one is flirting with me, which is rude, and this entire day was garbage….
A wise self narration (an interpretation & reframing)
Actually, let’s look at how this farmers market experiment went even though I didn’t enjoy it and got mad that I skipped morning practice.
What actually happened? I wisely clarified that the most important thing in my life is my one true love, morning practice, and simultaneously clarified that [fear of missing out] is monster nonsense, and officially confirmed that I’m not missing out at all!
And how fortunate that this was the exact right day to be hungry, because I had a strata ready to go into the tiny toaster oven and made room in the fridge by eating it, all good job!
Then I heroically did many small bits of congruencing that will make my week easier, and even made time for an hour of evening yoga, so despite being tired & cranky, winning! A glorious Saturday, in which I learned that I don’t have to try going to the market again, so many points to me.
And a brief mention of adding in anything physical
Something I talk a lot about is techniques in the hard versus in the soft, or physical level techniques in addition to mental-emotional level techniques or energy techniques or spiritual realm techniques.
So: everything I’ve mentioned so far in this piece is very mental level, in part because that’s the easiest kind of technique to talk about in a written format, where we’re already in thinky-thought mode.
This is your reminder that we can also add physical elements to a mental practice! For example I could play with any of the techniques named here while in legs up the wall, or while tapping my face or doing facial massage, or while shaking it out on the floor.
You can yawn several yawns or dance to a song, or take sixteen breaths.
Or whatever you like. Try things, see what helps. 🙂
Where do we go from here / where can we go from here
As we say so often around here, it’s a process.
Maybe one day I will get to the point where I don’t have monster-thoughts before bed or they don’t need to present me a list of All The Many Things I Didn’t Do, or I won’t care, or I will have already made my own list of what’s next.
And, also: we are where we are, working with what is. And where I am right now is dealing with a lot of pre-bed anxiety and a monster list. So these are the techniques I’m using.
As always, we try things, we note what works and what helps. If something doesn’t seem useful or isn’t for us right now, we can skip it and try something else.
It’s a process of experimenting, and all experiments are good experiments. The worst thing that happens is we learn something useful, and then try again, good job to all of us for being brave and trying things.
And a last word for now
Being a person in a body in a culture is hard! Or it can be.
It can take time to even notice our thoughts and feelings, or how an experience triggers a thought-feeling, and sometimes we find ourselves whooshing down a familiar neural pathway into a series of patterns before we can even think to interrupt them.
That’s okay! It takes practice. And noticing the pattern changes the pattern, even if we notice after. We’ve still altered the pattern by adding on the noticing. It used to be A-B-C-D-E-F, and now it’s A-B-C-D-E-F- noticing! Or even A-B- noticing-C-slightly different D, etc.
It all counts. Noticing is powerful. Trying anything new is powerful. Feeling how we feel and letting ourselves feel the things we feel is a big fucking deal. Good job, babe. You’re practicing. Noticing patterns for the collective! The collective appreciates it.
I am lighting a candle for positive shifts, and glowing all love and appreciation your way. May all of these experiments get progressively easier, let’s get better at giving ourselves more credit. Sparklepoints all around!
Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
Which of these techniques (or others) are you interested in experimenting with? What patterns are you gently and lovingly rewriting —or gearing up to rewrite which is also part of the rewriting, and it all counts!
All experiments are useful experiments. What wishes or themes are you currently playing with? What helps?
And of course you’re invited to share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, into the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, and companionship helps.
Here’s to locating the most supportive rituals and experiments, with so much compassion.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Loving Clarity
Loving Clarity
For a long time I noticed myself avoiding Clarity.
Specifically, I would avoid asking for clarity, or wishing any Clarity-related wishes, especially if I had the sense that Clarity was what I needed most in the moment.
Or I would bravely put Clarity in my compass and then not want to even interact with my compass.
It’s so reasonable if you think about it…
Let’s be honest. Clarity can be a little scary.
Do I really want to know, do I really want to see clearly, do I truly want the insight I think I am asking for?
Stopping just before (turn left for Clarity)
Clarity lives at round 38 in my morning sun salutations, each of which gets its own word or words, a quality or blend of qualities, and for the longest time I would just inexplicably get either mysteriously tired or suddenly extremely bored about halfway through round 37.
Until eventually I realized that this was just another way of not interacting with Clarity, not interacting and not approaching. Holding back. Coming close and then freezing.
Not approaching it as an intellectual concept, not as spiritual essence, not as anything.
Was I tired-bored or was Clarity too much to contemplate, even in wish form?
Nah I’m good, no thanks
I could let myself get close-close-close to wishing the wish and then be like, nah I’m good, don’t show me what I’m asking to be shown actually.
It’s such a thing, isn’t it, to crave something and run from it.
Sometimes I am the magnets drawing towards, sometimes I am the reversed magnets pushing away, sometimes I want and resist the want.
This is not something I judge myself for. It’s something I notice and am curious about. That itself is progress, and the kind of progress that emerged from past moments of Clarity.
Being patient with my distrust of Clarity (or the distrust of wishing the wish) is what eventually brought me to some Clarity about that…
Add Compassion and stir
A quality I meditate on sometimes is Hesed, a Hebrew word that often is translated to Loving-Kindness.
I love love love Loving-Kindness. Sometimes you just need a good hyphen.
Sometimes one word isn’t enough and the other isn’t enough, and you need a blend, like mullein leaves and lemon balm in tea, something happens when you let them hang out, each one knows how to amp up the other.
I love Loving-Kindness for its poetic feel, and I love it as the translation to an impossible-to-translate feeling, something warmer than Mercy, sweeter than Grace, kinder than kindness, an enhanced kindness.
Add Compassion and stir.
A softening into
Maybe Kindness all by itself can feel like a should? Or just too out of reach? Being kind is work, or it can be, and now we apparently also need to be kind to ourselves????
Ooooof. That’s rough.
But Loving-kindness is softened, it’s a vibe. It’s not something I have to do, be or embody, it’s something I can nestle into, a puffy white cloud, a comfy blanket.
I love that the way [a loving approach] can temper the kindness and turn it from a perceived chore into a warm hum in my heart. A softening into.
Hesed. Hesed. Hesed. I can feel myself tuning myself to this, a self-tuning, attuned to the loving intention that informs the kindness.
What else can we transform with [Loving]
This question is how I arrived at Loving Clarity.
When I interact with Loving Clarity, I know I am asking for a clarity that is not harsh or cruel, it isn’t a monster-driven, self-critical “here’s all the ways you should feel terrible for fucking up”, it isn’t judging me in all the ways that I am prone to judge myself for being human, messy, complicated, confused, sensitive, or lost.
Loving Clarity is not tough love, it is loving love, even when the thing it is clarifying might be challenging or hard to receive at first.
Loving Clarity is devoid of shame. It delivers the clarity with a warm hug, and so much patience.
It is easier for me to be receptive to Loving Clarity and not fight it, I don’t get tired doing sun salutations when I reach the Loving Clarity set.
Here’s what it looks like…
Loving Clarity meets my compass
I use a compass of bobcat-like qualities when I walk through my slow, patient, very-modified sun salutations:
I am Fierce, Fearless, Powerful, Striking, Of The Earth, Wild, Glowing, Alive.
And then these take on, or blend with, the qualities of each round, each time around the compass gets a new word.
So for example, round 1 is Tough: I am tough & fierce, tough & fearless, tough & powerful, tough & striking, tough & grounded, tough & wild, tough & glowing, tough & alive.
Reversing the compass: Fierce & tough, living my life & staying tough, glowing my glow & staying tough, wild & tough, grounded & tough, strikingly tough, powerfully tough, fearlessly tough, and back to fierce & tough to return north.
Here is what asking for Loving Clarity looks like…
Or what it might look like in this context, I flow with whatever words come as I go:
I fiercely welcome Loving Clarity with love,
fearlessly inviting Loving Clarity with love,
standing in my power welcoming Loving Clarity with love,
strikingly steady and asking for Loving Clarity,
grounded and of the earth, welcoming this Loving Clarity,
in the wildness of my wild self, asking for Loving Clarity to reveal itself lovingly,
alive in my aliveness, requesting Loving Clarity,
fierce in my Loving Clarity,
living my life, asking for Loving Clarity to guide me,
wild in the wilds, receptive to Loving Clarity,
grounded grounding, come in, Loving Clarity,
strikingly steady, ready for Loving Clarity,
powered by these powers, receptive to this Loving Clarity,
fearlessly welcoming Loving Clarity,
fierce in my fierceness, show me this Loving Clarity!
Slow Time Tea
I made a blend of tea from dried mullein leaves & lemon balm, let it steep for a while and added a bit of my rosemary-lavender simple syrup. It is a cool breeze day, raining on and off.
The clouds move and shift, sun and rain show up at the same time.
I am watching the clouds, the changing skyscapes, the impossibly green juniper, silvery cottonwoods shimmering in the breeze.
So calm and peaceful. Anxiety this morning, but not now, my mood weather changing like the New Mexico sky.
Waverly’s book, Slow Time, sits next to me on the table, as a reminder, and for company. I love how she still reminds me to bring a kindness to slowing down, to find the sweetness in going slow.
I want to ask her how she feels about Loving-Slowness as a companion to Loving-Kindness. I wish she were still with us.
A breath and a glass of tea for that.
What can be added, what can be blended, what needs more time
Considering Hesed and tea and blending words and missing people who are gone also makes me think of my mother, because her word for this was Rachmanut. Compassion.
Add compassion and stir.
Is it a slow process? Sometimes. Can I add compassion to that too…
If it’s not kind, it’s not wisdom
This is something I reminded a friend the other day, and often need to remind myself.
Sometimes I will have a thought that comes disguised as clarity or insight, but is really just monster criticism, more shoulds, more self-admonishing, just another way of being deeply impatient with myself and how I am, or how I am experiencing being a person in a body with a lot of trauma.
Maybe there’s a kernel of truth or utility in the criticism mechanism, but mostly it’s just another way to be mean to myself. If it’s not Loving Clarity, then it’s not clarity.
It’s more about “ugh just do it already” or “why are you so stuck on this”, which isn’t actually helpful, instead of a clarity that meets me in the moment with no agenda other than love, curiosity, patience, wonder.
If the wisdom is unkind, then how wise is it really?
(The parenthetical asides)
Obviously I’m not talking about the times we need to call each other in, and ask each other to do better, and I’m not certainly advocating for sugarcoating all messages at all times, this is more about how can I interact with myself with great compassion, and welcome a form of Clarity that is deeply kind.
And obviously we don’t need to engage the trolls or meet the assholes with love, definitely not suggesting that. Block & report! Safety first! Sometimes the answer is a good dose of shock and awe, just saying.
And obviously all of this parenthetical-asides-ing is me trying to avoid being misunderstood, a desire which is a constant in my heart and which the internet tells me is also an autism thing, how fun that literally everything about me turns out to be that, or that plus trauma, or that plus adhd, or that plus a lifetime of being misunderstood!
Can I meet this with compassion as well?
Also existing online is just by necessity the experience of being consistently misunderstood on all topics, so that’s a known entity too.
Add, stir
All that said, just as an idea, if we begin to add Loving- to anything and everything, as a general practice, maybe we can transform these patterns as well. Can we assume good intentions, at least when it comes to people we love, whose good hearts are familiar to us?
Or can we approach with warm-hearted intentions ourselves, ready to have a hard conversation when needed.
Maybe as we get better at clarifying with ourselves what is wisdom and what is clarity, as we get better at welcoming Loving-Wisdom and Loving-Clarity, we can also have more ease when it comes to discerning who is not going to learn or engage IRL, versus the people with whom we can have those genuine connections and the Add Compassion conversations together.
I am still thinking about this, and about how it relates to Slowness, and to Clarity.
Something about miracles
Yesterday I was lucky to experience several of the kind of miracles where a bad thing doesn’t happen, and it’s such a relief when you realize what could have happened but didn’t. A blessing in disguise that is also a blessing in surprise?
Obviously I love this for me, and I love it for the collective. More of these miracles for all of us, please.
May it be so or something even better!
And also…
And also, without shitting on that kind of miracle, I find myself deeply craving the other kind of miracle, the kind where something just unequivocally GOOD happens, you know?
The Loving Clarity of miracles. The kind, sweet, tender caring miracles. The this-is-just-a-good-thing miracles.
I crave this. I welcome this. May I find a way to be unequivocal in my wishing.
Some of the first kind of miracles yesterday also involved some big scares, and my nervous system and body are still recovering from that. It’s uncomfortable. It’s the Clarity without the Loving- part.
I am still working on Add Compassion And Stir.
Miracle One
I was at the laundromat and had just parked. Opening the car door, I saw an absolutely enormous wolf spider in the doorframe, and then I am not sure what happened, but I definitely scream-panicked and slammed the door.
If you don’t know what a wolf spider is, I am not telling you to google it because you might never sleep again.
Okay, they are harmless but also terrifying, because in the moment when you see one, it’s hard to remember that they aren’t there to hurt you.
Kind of like Clarity.
At least there’s that
A wolf spider is like, hmmm, how do I describe it.
Imagine a giant hairy tarantula that is also a speed demon? Good lord, they are so fucking fast.
At least with a tarantula, you always know where it is. It’s exactly where it was before. Tarantulas are predictable, unlike Clarity.
So when I opened the door again, the wolf spider had already relocated from the back seat to the front seat, and I screamed again, which was fun.
Always be a screamer, if you can
I haven’t seen one since I lived in Arizona, and honestly would have been fine to never see one again.
Anyway, it was in my car and I wanted it not-in-my-car.
And a van pulled in next to me, a mom dropping off her teens, and I was like OMG PLEASE BE MY MOM TOO even though she was probably significantly younger than me. And she took care of it, bless her fighting spirit, braver than the marines, amen.
She said, “I have to warn you, I’m a screamer.” Me: “Oh, I absolutely LOVE screaming, I am pro-screaming, please scream. I will feel so much better if I am not the only one screaming.”
So maybe it was more like please be my girlfriend. I am not good at flirting when I am terrified.
It all worked out
Okay, whatever, in the moment, I was entirely incapable of dealing with a humongous wolf spider that could have walked on me, possibly while I was on the freeway and then I probably would have driven off the road.
Do you see? So many miracles in the category of things that didn’t happen.
My new not-mom / not-girlfriend was super nice about it, and she also had a huge knife on her, which is honestly so hot, and we ended up not needing that or my shoe, and actually neither of us screamed, and it all worked out and now my car is, I hope, wolf-spider-free.
Blessings upon this, as my friend Cate would say, because I honestly don’t think I could have driven home with the speediest, hairiest tarantula-lookalike of all time tearing around my car like a vilde chaya.
So much good fortune. So many good surprises, including an unlikely ally at the exact right moment.
Miracle two
I drove back much later than anticipated, the sun slowly setting as I made my way along the winding country road.
The sunset was so hypnotic, directly in front of me, swaths of peach melting into lavender, swirling into each other, what a sky, just devastatingly beautiful.
And I had the thought that I needed to stop looking at it, because the thing about country roads is there are deer and elk, and wandering cattle, all manner of creatures. It was a clear thought, so very clear.
Stay very focused on the road babe, don’t let the beauty distract you, came the Clarity, Lovingly.
Came the Clarity, Lovingly
I was reminded of the road trip I took with Waverly after she died (the road trip was real, her companionship imaginary) and how she told me to slow down in the exact right moment and prevented a tragedy.
And so I focused intently on the road, and, maybe a minute later, two carefree country dogs just ran right in front of my car. I wouldn’t have seen them in the dusky light and anyway it happened so fast.
Another miracle of nothing bad happened / the bad thing didn’t happen
I braked fast and may have given myself some light whiplash.
One of the dogs, the larger one, stopped itself just in time, almost next to me, and the other made it all the way across the road.
Breathe, breathe, babe. You did great. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. You were attentive, you were lucky, it all worked out. Loving clarity.
And sure, maybe my neck got fucked up but see also: the miracle of nothing bad happened, which is a big miracle.
Still here, good job
I thought about this more as I headed home to my parcel of land and my miniature home.
How fucking awful would I feel forever if I hurt or killed a dog, it strains my heart. Loving-kindness for anyone who has been there, no one should have to go through that.
And then I was also thinking about how if I had hit one of them or both of them, I would have had to walk up to some Trump-ey homestead in the dark, and they would have yelled at me or possibly shot me (love this country), and I would have to be like, yes I feel terrible and also why are you letting your dogs casually wander across winding country roads where the speed limits are not low, and then they definitely would have shot me, so bonus miracle, I am still alive!
The dogs are alive and I am alive today too, good job. Go team. Blessings abound.
Recovery
Maybe this is also related to Loving Clarity, and how I want [Loving Clarity > Clarity], in part because it’s apparently the only way to get me to Clarity.
Or at least, the best way to get me to Clarity, and also because kindness is warranted in these tough and bewildering times.
Miracles happened, and I am grateful.
And, also, at the same time, scary and disruptive things happened, and even though I am okay, I am not all the way okay. Recovery time is warranted.
I got on the floor this morning and did a lot of shaking it out, and ninety minutes of slow, slow, slow bobcat yoga, and a meditation about things that lift themselves, which is maybe about Ease, also about Loving Clarity.
Blessings upon the miracles, blessings upon the clarity, blessings upon the recovery, shake it off, shake it out, repeat. Add compassion and stir. Add compassion and rest.
Clues
As you know, I love a good double meaning, or layered meanings, and Loving Clarity is so perfect because it is about inviting a form of Clarity that is more loving, and it is about Loving The Clarity that comes.
It is about being loving with myself in the process of seeking Clarity, and it is about clarifying how I want to receive Clarity (lovingly, with Love).
Clarity, be kind and sweet, please. Clarity, be warm and gentle with me. I might still scream, but meet me with love.
Add patience, add slowness, add steadiness, add compassion. Blend gently.
Thanks for the miracles. Can they soften some more? How about some Loving Miracles.
Will who loves all beings
My friend Will, the Wildlife Biologist, the friend I met on the day I asked to learn more about The Wild Life, and apparently my request to the universe was translated as “would you like to learn more about wildlife”, loves all beings.
(It is truly amazing the way he loves all beings.)
What an honor to know such a gentle soul. I am not like this at all.
Anyway, I told him about the wolf spider in my car, and he laughed and said he has two who live in his bathroom. Two! They live in his bathroom!
I mean
If it were me, I would simply burn my house down or flee to another country and start all over again, or seduce an El Paso mom into running them out of town, I don’t know, something drastic would have to happen, or something lucky, or both.
But Will just lives peacefully with two wolf spiders.
That has to be a clue about something. Loving Clarity, come in, come in.
Loving Clarity, come in, come in
Do you see the difference?
Clarity, sans Loving, might be something like “wow, I am annoyed by most beings”, but Loving Clarity is more like, I see there are many options here…
Loving Clarity shows me that many things are possible, but it does not judge me for being someone who shrieks in panic and needs the wolf spider out of the car.
Loving Clarity reminds me to slow down and watch the road, even in a moment of being deeply present with wild transformative beauty, but it isn’t a chastising or even a warning. It’s a what-if, a how-about, a let’s-try-something-here…
It is not should-based at all, and yet we somehow quietly end up at radical acceptance of what is in the moment, and an appreciation of miracles. If we can.
And when we can’t, that’s reasonable and understandable, because Loving Clarity isn’t about wow I fucked up again, Loving Clarity is about what is and can be possible.
Add compassion, blend gently. Add compassion, wait and see.
Something about right timing
I started this piece in the first days of December. That is to say, I wrote the words LOVING CLARITY, and then wrote absolutely nothing else. Blank page on Loving Clarity!
Every week or so, I’d remind myself how I wanted to write about Loving Clarity, and I didn’t, until now.
If I was operating from a rushed get-it-done perspective, or trying to force the clarity without adding compassion, I might have ended up writing something else.
But I waited, and it happened in Slow Time, and by the time I was ready to say what I needed (or wanted) to say, new information had come to light, new experiences had offered themselves into the mix, and I had been given more time to consider how Loving + Clarity work in tandem.
Sometimes I tend to feel frustrated when the words don’t come, and yet I keep learning over and over that if I add compassion, the timing will sort itself out. I’m glad I waited and didn’t push myself for the clarity or for the right words.
Invitation / Invocation
I am inviting Loving Clarity, for us, with great love, a form of clarity that can be good to us, shedding light in a way that is sweet and useful, may it arrive in good timing and do what is needed, with softness and no neck pain, with recovery time and built-in grace.
A loving clarity that is embodied and moves with quiet ease. Keep it moving, rest as needed.
What tempers clarity and makes it actionable, or even something I can receive to begin with?
Add Compassion and stir and wait.
Miracles welcome.
Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
What else can we add Loving to? Loving-X?
Loving-Honesty! Loving-Rest? Loving-Simplicity! What happens when we add [Loving-] to other words to amplify them or otherwise enhance their trajectory of purpose, if that makes sense…
All experiments are useful experiments. What wishes or themes are you playing with? What would help?
And of course you’re invited to share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, into the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, and companionship helps.
Here’s to locating the most supportive rituals and experiments, with compassion.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Delayed Reaction Wish Fulfillment
Delayed Reaction Wish Fulfillment
Monday morning, tail end of May.
Cate and I met up early at the trailhead and walked for an hour, the sun was warm but not too hot, we talked happily and seriously about everything and nothing, moving at a pace that was not slow and not fast, and it was all just right.
How fortunate we are, I said, to be somewhere so beautiful.
How fortunate we are, she said, to know it and witness it and share it.
We saw a lone and very bright white flower in the middle of the field. Look at that brave friend, said Cate.
Edge-spaces
On the drive back to the isolated wilds, I thought about the difference between a trailhead (here are marked paths, to guide you through this exquisite wondrous landscape) and the isolation of where I live, between the forest and the cliffs, edge-space, edge-spaces.
I thought about the time it will take me to recover, because after a hike, even a relatively gentle one like the one we did, I need the rest of the day to do nothing, and the next day to do more nothing.
And how this recovery time is worth it to me, because I feel so peaceful on the trail and so happy and rejuvenated to see a friend, and to be in the companionship of the fields, flowers and trees.
Revival
Walking outdoors through fields of grasses and thriving juniper trees revives me, and that is worth it. Love to be revived. Revival: a word with religious fervor baked in, and also: a coming back to life, a return to vibrancy.
From Old French: revivre. Again + To Live.
Recovery
That’s just how it is.
I can not-exert and wear myself out anyway from anxiety, and the day-to-day things of staying alive, and I can exert (go for a hike, do some yoga) and wear myself out that way, either way, I will need more rest than I think.
It is frustrating to explain chronic illness, traumatic brain injury, long covid life, or how I experience these; difficult to convey that an hour of walking can do me so much good that it is worth two days of staring into space, but also that it doesn’t matter because I will be staring into space for two days anyway.
The well-meaning people cautioning me to conserve my energy don’t seem to understand how I personally am experiencing this new relationship with having/not-having energy (mostly not having it) any more than the people who want me to expend more than I have for them.
Calculations
An hour hike is much less draining for me than a fifteen minute phone call or fifteen minutes at the grocery store or fifteen minutes cleaning the kitchen.
And also: those other things have to happen sometimes, they have to happen eventually, and there isn’t anyone else who can do them for me.
So I do a [something], and then must stare into space for two days, and occasionally the something that prompts this is a fucking delight, like hiking at the trailhead. Again to live! Again to live.
Equinox to Solstice
At vernal equinox, I wrote my spring wishes, and my biggest wish was to become someone who likes hiking. And then for five weeks, absolutely zero hiking happened, I barely went outdoors other than onto my porch at the end of the day for a breath or two of fresh air.
There began to be a monster chorus about how wishes never come true, and what is the point of wishing, when I am the most stuck-in-a-rut person, etc.
And then somehow, the past five weeks have each included one completely delightful and rejuvenating hike that brought joy to my soul.
Delayed Reaction Wish Fulfillment. Ah yes, I remember this from somewhere, from before.
Very Personal
Some of you remember how I used to name wishes here, each Sunday, in the form of Very Personal Ads.
The point was never to get anything, for me the practice of wishing is about revealing what I want. (Which itself is less about revealing and more about being willing to allow a process of revealing to take place, in its own slow time.)
From there, what do my yeses show me about myself or about where I am? How am I orienting myself towards this wish?
Orienting myself towards
Wishing wishes for me is very much not about striving, acquiring, achieving, manifesting, or forcing anything into fruition.
Instead, it’s the intimate and powerful practice of inviting, clarifying, making room for the wanting.
I experience this as a deep inquisitiveness. Can I approach a wish with receptivity, presence and love, making sanctuary for the vulnerability that comes with naming desire.
Remembering
Now I am remembering how many, many times, I would wish a wish and then weeks or months later, some aspect of that wish would pop up like spring flowers.
The timing is the timing for spring flowers, they are there when they are there. Again to live!
Something about patience
I am taking this as a much-needed reminder about patience, and the fractal elements of being in process, whether with a wish, a goal, or something in-between, here’s to all the beautiful gwishes.
It is frustrating (wishing, recovery, hope) to want what you want, and make room for the wanting and the sorrow and all of it, and perceive that no progress is being made.
And yet, progress is maybe the wrong wish to begin with, and none of this is linear, and sometimes something moves from the realm of impossible to the possible, or sometimes a new possible emerges. Or a new wish entirely, one we weren’t ready for earlier!
I rushed myself to make progress on the wish about hiking, and then at a certain point, hiking showed up for me, and I’m just glad it is here.
Perseverance as revival
Can I bring this peaceful steadiness, this Patience + Presence + Process approach to my other wishes for myself, my healing, my body, the property where I live, the various challenges that present themselves?
Can I allow a little time, even when I am perceiving time itself as tight and constrained, too shallow, too narrow, too elusive?
Can I put my wishes in a drawer or seed them in a pot, blow kisses at them, visit them occasionally, trust their process, undo any perceptions of frustration or shame around their timing that is all their own?
Can I do all that (or even some of that) and keep steadily, lovingly, making room for myself to exist in the world as someone who wishes wishes, hand on heart, still here.
We keep on keeping on. Perseverance is the new revival. AGAIN, to live.
Doing or not-doing = doing what I can
Someone said on a podcast, and it stuck with me: DO WHAT YOU CAN, DON’T HURT YOURSELF.
And I am living by that. Irish accent optional but it does substantially improve the wisdom of this, in my extremely biased opinion.
I also have a sticker that says WORK HARD KEEP GOING, and I am living by that too, though sometimes for me “work hard” means feed yourself, clean up after, good job babe, you did what you could.
I am lighting a candle for this, and for everyone reading who also needs extra support in the trusting, the wishing, the keeping on keeping on, and waiting for the delayed-reaction wish-fulfillment, while we are in the process of readying ourselves for whatever shifting is needed, turning ourselves towards the sun…
Wishing
Wishing us the hopeful-hope of new flowers, emergence, a change in air, a delicious breeze, good smells, and the bravery of allowing ourselves to want, to get closer to a clear yes, or a good clue.
Or maybe the good clues are on their way to us right now, with the wishes, the yeses, floating our way.
Let’s keep going and meet them. Let’s take breaks as needed along the way, whatever revives you.
Again to live, making sanctuary space for the hope sparks.
Brave like a flower. Fractal powers. Interconnected bravery. We can do this.
Question
Is anyone interested in some new form of a return to VPAs? X Days of Wishing? Some practice of very personal ads and playing with this stuff? I am thinking about some possible forms to play with….
Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to play with any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
We are experimenting with experimenting, all experiments are useful experiments! What wishes or themes are you playing with? What would help? As always, People Vary.
And of course you’re invited to share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, into the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, and companionship helps.
Here’s to locating the supportive rituals, playful experiments & loving compassion we need.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Other’s Day
Other’s Day
Some thoughts I had today, on Other’s Day, on making our own feast days, and naming some wishes.
Also I learned from an email that it’s national hummus day, whatever that means, so if you want to opt out of a more conventional holiday and haven’t made up one of your own for the occasion, I’m all for celebrating [dip & spread] life.
Odd and bewildering
It is a bewildering experience to fully contemplate just how much our culture loves othering.
(In general, and also the intense othering of people who don’t do or aren’t a part of rhymes-with-othering, or for whom the day is a source of great pain and grief, truly so many ways to be othered today.)
Deep breaths this morning
Yes, it is a lot. I am again taking time to really think about how we just exist in of a culture that is built around pushing so many people away to purportedly celebrate some, a culture that as a matter of principle seemingly cannot or will not extend compassion, or be inclusive and welcoming, not to save itself and not in the name of kindness.
Today is one of those extra-aware days in this category, here in the United States, as this country celebrates a thirty five billion dollar industry that built itself up around what was originally a feminist labor cause: to recognize, honor and name the work of mothers for what it is, actual difficult labor, unpaid and invisible.
It’s a beautiful and important wish, to honor this work and its complexity and those who undertake it, and also [having a day about it] in the collective brings up big feelings and identity stuff, and sometimes also an enormous amount of trauma, and wow, we have not figured out a better way to do any of this. I hope we do someday. I have ideas!
But here we are
But here we are with what we ended up with, a holiday that induces stress for most and pain for many.
(Oh and it also often generates even more labor for the very people whose labor we were supposedly originally trying to acknowledge!)
And, for whatever unknown reasons, we seem disinterested in rewriting it to make it better, because we could be making this situation better, both for those want a day for celebration and acknowledgment, and for those who dearly need sanctuary space, a safe haven, on or even from this day.
There is certainly more acknowledgment than there used to be of the many small (and less-small) cruelties of the season, but never do we try reinventing new holidays that are loving and compassionate and serve a greater good. I know why, but also I don’t.
Feast Day
You know how I love a feast day, a feast of the small gods, or a week of feast days, or a chrysalis for trying times. A feast of liberations to mark a painful past experience, or whatever we need to mark time.
And also as a way to reclaim the calendar, may it be a safe haven, or at least a place that can be more comforting, loving and supportive than external culture, with its limiting expectations.
Our individual and collective pain memories exist in time, what if we made more room for them and for self-tending?
Other’s Day
Here is what I am doing on this Other’s Day, a holiday that is not for me but exists in the collective:
- checking in on friends who are having a tough time today, lighting candles, sending memes
- baking coconut tahini banana muffins (thank you, Garret, for the tiny toaster oven replacement), because Imaginary Cooking Club is the most predictable way I can center myself
- imagining what a better culture might look like, how might we tend to ourselves and each other if we genuinely cared about crafting a compassionate and just society, not just in this way but in all ways
- extending that imagining to an imaginary farm, if I had friends living here with me in the permaculture / small organic farm / commune of my dreams, what holidays and feast days would invent, and how would we cherish each other in meaningful ways, in a way that can exist outside of the options external culture has given us…?
- vacuuming and dusting, because when in doubt, ritual & repetition, finding harmony, a re-congruencing
- renaming wishes, reading recipes, and of course, rolling around on the floor.
Feast Day as always is a matter of trial and error, and that is okay
At one point I found myself in a state of great overwhelm, and so I sautéed a mess of onions in coconut cream and zaatar, added spinach and then peas, and fried up a pile of spicy potatoes, and made a garlicky lemoney tahini dressing.
Many things can be, if not solved by deliciousness, at least improved.
MORE THAN I THINK IT WILL BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I NEED IT TO!
As with so many experiments, it fell into the confusing category of Helped Not Enough And Not As Much As I Hoped, But Also So Much More Than I Thought It Would.
Yes, hello, my old friend HELPS MORE THAN I THINK IT WILL BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I NEED IT TO.
We have spent so much time together.
So many things in this category, for me
So many other things in this category: yoga, stretching, going for a little walk even though I don’t want to, etc.
I don’t necessarily think this is bad.
We try things, and sometimes they help a little, and sometimes they help later, and sometimes the effect is cumulative, and sometimes the important thing is that we tried and paid attention.
Being a human in a body can be so hard. Noticing what we notice is a practice of love, trying things and then trying other things is a practice of love. Just like a feast day.
Some Other’s Day Wishes
Into the soup pot, or into the wishing cauldron, a wonderment of wishes.
Compassion compassion compassion. Grace grace grace.
Belonging. Sweetness. Warmth. Deep comfort.
Hope, a renewal of hope, and some safety and sanctuary too, in recognition of the tremendous tenderness it takes to allow ourselves to hope towards anything in these times.
More wishes
A dancing procession with tambourines for everyone who yearns for something they can’t have, and also for everyone who doesn’t yearn for the expected things you’re told you’re supposed to yearn for.
May we all be welcomed, thought of with tenderness, cared for and cherished, may we be more than an afterthought or that careless “also you who are suffering”, what if we invented rituals that weren’t suffering-adjacent…
I am also wishing wishes for me about sustenance and sustainability, about Slow Time, and quiet farm life, and community to share it with.
Also I wish I could give you one of these tiny muffins if you wanted one, they are gluten-free and vegan, and also despite the thing I just said, extremely rich, decadent and delicious.
Baking
Baking for me is such an immense joy, love delivered in a temporal offering, a layering of flavors, a gift of all sweetness that can exist in the right here, right now.
It also, like so many expressions of love, takes time, repetition, presence, and a willingness to experiment.
Love
I have an enormous amount of love for you and for us, however you are experiencing this day or any day. If it helps, I am lighting a candle for peace, justice, comfort and a sense of well-being, for wishing our wishes, and imagining our way into something even better.
Here’s to something even better, and all the possibility that emerges from Something Even Better.
Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to play with feast days and self-tending or any of these concepts in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
We are experimenting with experimenting, all experiments are useful experiments! What wishes or themes are you playing with? What would help? As always, People Vary.
And of course you’re invited to share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, into the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, and companionship helps.
Here’s to locating the supportive rituals, playful experiments & loving compassion we need.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Easy Mode
Easy Mode
Sometimes my back pain makes it not fun to stand, and sometimes it makes it not fun to sit, and right now (let “right now” = the past couple weeks), sitting is the miserable one.
And so I pace, or find things I can do either standing or reclining that are enjoyable or that pass the time.
I found myself increasingly frustrated by the limitations of pain (a very legitimate frustration, and also the very definition of It Is What It Motherfucking Is), but lately I have been trying to focus on a different approach.
Let’s Do This Day In EASY MODE.
Like in a game
Like in a game.
Why am I doing things on any other mode? Who am I trying to impress?
Easy mode
Easy mode can look like:
- five minutes of low impact kitchen jogging instead of thirty
- knees to chest instead of yoga
- or: what does yoga look & feel like if I only do standing or reclining poses
- a meal that has three or fewer steps
- what can be done later?
- what is a symbolic way of doing this?
- what does 10% effort look or feel like?
As my dance teacher used to say, DO LESS TO GET MORE.
How can I apply that here?
What is even easier than that?
What is easy?
What is even easier than that?
What is the path of MORE EASE?
Where am I complicating, adding steps that are not needed, or expecting too much of myself?
What happens when I do even less?
An exploration, taken slowly
This is a new form of investigation for me, trying to make room for my frustration, practice acknowledgment & legitimacy, and also turn my attention towards Less & Slowness, towards being deliberate and selective.
Discerning.
Post-
I talked to my doctor about PEM (Post-Exertional Malaise), the medical term for this thing where I do literally anything, and then have to spend days and days recovering from whatever it is I did.
That is not related to the back pain, but both PEM and the back pain are fun aspects of Long Covid that I really was not able to grasp just how much they would impact my life, until I found myself regularly saying things like “well, guess today isn’t a standing day”, or “yeah, I did laundry yesterday so now I need to do nothing for a week”.
Anyway, I was telling this doctor about how I have tried all the suggestions and hate them. Either they don’t work for me, or don’t apply to my situation, or they just make me feel worse.
And my doctor said, okay, new suggestion: ignore all the suggestions. Reduce things that are effortful, to the extent that you can. Make your life easier. Choose ease where you can.
What does it mean to play the day in EASY MODE
Obviously there is an element of monsters (self-criticism voices, internalized cultural expectations).
Obviously there is real-life stress (things do have to get done, I live alone, there is no one else who can get groceries or wash dishes).
And, at the same time, if we ask the ultimate clarifying question, what’s true and what’s also true, playing on any other mode is not working.
Playing on EASY MODE is a form of generosity, permission, compassion, love.
So that’s what I’m practicing right now. More on what I learn and notice later. In the meantime you are welcome to practice with me.
ANNOUNCEMENT! The Brautigan Wing returns!
In October of 2013 (nearly ten years ago somehow), I put out a 77 page ebook called The Brautigan Wing.
My description at the time: a museum of small and big realizations.
In this book, I imagined building a museum exhibit about my mind, based on found post-it notes, with commentary about what the poet (me) may or may not have intended. Maybe there are some good clues for you, or maybe you’ll be inspired to turn your pile of notes into your own exhibit.
Anyway, if you feel moved to give any sum of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund, I’ll email you a link to the ebook! I don’t check email every day, but it will happen soon.
Come play with me, I love company
You are welcome to play with any of the concepts here in any way you like. Come play in the comments!
We are experimenting with experimenting, all experiments are useful experiments! How do you want to play on EASY MODE? What wishes or themes are you playing with? What would help? As always, People Vary.
And of course you’re invited to share anything sparked for you while reading, or add any wishes into the pot, into the healing the power of the collective is no small thing, and companionship helps.
Here’s to locating the supportive rituals, playful experiments & loving compassion we need.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
Or you can buy a copy of the my Monster Manual & Coloring Book if you don’t have it!
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share one of my posts with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️