What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Very Personal Ads #129: With SCISSORS!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Mmmmmm.
First VPAs of the new year.
Hi there, year.
I’m practicing wanting what I want.
So let’s do this.
Thing 1: setting things up for next-day me.
Here’s what I want:
To constantly be enjoying the tiny little presents that yesterday-me planted for today.
And to set things up for tomorrow-me.
Like putting fuzzy slippers by the bed.
Like placing my new bus pass where I can easily get to it.
Like having a jar of pens on the not-a-vanity-table (which itself is a gift from a Very Personal Ad, or from one-hundred-and-eight-weeks-ago-me).
Ways this could work:
Possibly some secret agent code words.
Maybe some stone skippings.
Or I could interview Slightly Future me, and see what she would find helpful.
I’ll play with:
Noticing all the places where I already do take care of myself.
Appreciating the sneaky presents that are already here.
Thank you, yesterday-me for having the presence of mind to get epsom salts for this morning’s bath.
Thing 2: reflecting on my twelve wishes for the year.
Here’s what I want:
Lots and lots of reflectings!
Reflecting is a word that metaphor mouse gave me because I loathe collage. But whoops, I secretly love cutting up words and images, and assembling them. Which, oh god how embarrassing, is totally collage!
So yes, if you call it collage, I will never do it. But I will gleefully do reflectings.
Anyway, I have twelve wishes for this incoming year.
And I want to reflect on them. WITH SCISSORS.
Ways this could work:
My partner-in-crime and I can take this to the Playground. We can hole up in the arts and crafts room, and pretend we’re on Rally (Rally!).
I’ll play with:
Costumes. Tea. Making space for this.
Talking to any walls that come up, or negotiating when I run into internal rules about why I’m not allowed to wish for these things.
Thing 3: entering the exiting so as to enter the entering.
Here’s what I want:
I was just talking to Cairene the other week about how uncomfortable we both find the practice of reviewing the year-that-was during the month of December, while you’re still in it.
This year I’ve decided to make January a month of reflecting (with and without scissors) on the year that was. Right now I’m still in that dazed “what just happened?!” place. And I’d like to spend some time processing the exiting before (or while) I enter the entering.
Ways this could work:
An Absconding!
Maybe I’ll go visit my wonderful uncle Svevo and hide in the woods.
More reflecting. Um, let me reflect on that and get back to you!
Maybe the Book of Me will have some ideas.
I’ll play with:
Paying attention.
Trusting that all roads leads to entry.
Finding the doors.
Thing 4: a new relationship with January.
Here’s what I want:
I want a new January. A new me-and-January together.
The past three Januaries have been so challenging.
The yearly January tempest-in-a-teapot collective freakout session (which is never going to happen again, because me-from-four-months-ago is a GENIUS) at my Kitchen Table program has made January all about dealing with other people’s pain being directed at me.
And January has always been crazy booked for me with clients and teaching and plans. Last January I ran two Rallies, the previous January I taught the amazing destuckification retreat in California, the year before was devoted to setting up the systems and structures so that I could go on email sabbatical.
So I’m feeling really appreciative towards past-me who decided that these January patterns get to change this year.
THIS January is going to be about rest, recovery, consolidation, revue. Entering the new year through taking time to consciously exit the year that was.
I’m setting up January to be slow and contemplative rather than following the bigger cultural push to be busy doing and creating.
In fact, I am just now realizing how dissonant and incongruent it seems (to me!) to try to follow that cultural push at a time when my body wants to be in hibernation. So yay, sovereign decisions. Now to figure out how this is going to work.
Ways this could work:
Through play.
Through shivanautical epiphanies!
I’ll play with:
I am beginning this year with wishes.
And with time to let these wishes sleep and grow.
And this is is totally different than any other kind of beginning that I have ever given myself.
I’m going to try to follow my instincts as much as possible. Body first.
Thing 5: costumes for the Incoming Director
Here’s what I want:
I know that costumes are magic.
Especially when bringing in a new aspect or identity.
Right now I’m setting things up for the Incoming Director. Shhhh, it’s me!
What does the Director wear? How does she feel? What does she need?
That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
Ways this could work:
Asking lots of questions.
Maybe an interview?
Trying stuff on.
I’ll play with:
Trust.
The director knows what’s good. Just ask her.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted to set up a Rendezvous that I had been dreading. This happened! Both the setting-up and the rendezvous itself. And something completely magical happened during the rendezvous, and it gave me an incredibly valuable piece of information at exactly the right time. YAY! I’m so glad I asked for help with this.
Then I wanted to drink lots of tea, which was kind of a proxy. And it happened! Both the tea part and the proxying.
I asked for two of everything (certain things), and first steps have been taken.
Then I wanted to release/process a fear of a thing that’s happening, and I’m feeling EXUBERANT about what’s coming. Yes. So that worked.
And finally, I wanted to trust what I know, and I think that’s working. Thank you.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
p.s. If you also want to begin this year with conscious entry, the material in the Art of Embarking is really useful. And it’s the prerequisite for everything we’re doing this year because how we enter something changes what happens once we’re in it.
Which is kind of intense. But also really amazing.
Friday Chicken #178: strengthening elixir, anyone?
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I am baffled — baffled — about the Friday already being here. Who says it’s Friday? That’s crazy talk.
This week has been disorientingly busy and full. Let’s see…
The hard stuff
Sleep stuff.
Not having it, to be specific.
And waking up obscenely early, even for me.
And no nap time whatsoever.
Unpleasant hormonal side effects.
See above.
I was a sleepy, groggy, cranky, sluggish, self-disliking, unattractive-feeling, irritable lump for a few days, and oh, that’s always fun.
Didn’t I say that last year was the last time for ending the year in a state of burnout?
Ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa.
I’ll look at that one when I’m not so tired.
Credit card number got stolen.
Fortunately the bank caught it right away and we canceled the card.
But it’s that uncomfortable, vulnerable feeling. Like with the hackers.
I had to process a lot of old grief related to money pain.
And also I’m fairly pissed off about a variety of administrative problems this has caused us.
Transitions.
All this in-between.
Ending things and starting others, and in the meantime so many details of each to sort out.
Overwhelmed.
I don’t feel like talking about this, so…. silent retreat on this one!
I way overscheduled this week and didn’t even realize it.
My capacity for going places and doing things is so much less than I imagine it to be.
And this seems to be getting even more extreme as time goes by.
So I get better at estimating, but then I still need so much more time for myself than I used to that it doesn’t matter.
Can’t you see my vision?!
This outrageously awesome thing is happening in my business, and my business partner cannot see how it is a good thing, when it is so clear that this new opportunity is overflowing with good.
I see it and trust it and know it and love it, and he can only see the darkness and fog of his imagination, and this is the MOST FRUSTRATING THING. Especially since you can’t make someone see something that you see. You can only meet them where they are.
To have this unbearably clear vision right in front of you and not be able to transmit or share its realness: I do not wish this on anyone.
Expansion is awesome but it also involves a lot of waiting.
Various balls in various courts, phone tag, reconvening, blah.
I just want my new teaching space!
Realizations of mistakes.
Even harder than a thing not working is THIS:
The realization that you were the one to set the unsovereign expectations that resulted in your own pain.
Yes.
All forms of media are unbearable right now.
It’s that time of year when everyone is either talking about making resolutions or talking about how they don’t do resolutions.
I keep forgetting that this is a time of year to turn inward, not outward. A note for the Almanac, I guess.
Hey, Havi! Don’t look at things you know you don’t want to see!
Other people’s stuff coming up.
And them trying to put it on me.
It’s also that time of year when relationships end horribly, apparently.
Even Snopes agrees that yes, this is a thing.
Anyway, it seems that nearly everyone I love is going through an awful painful break-up or relationship challenge right now.
So much hurting. So much uncomfortable transition.
I am lighting candles for so many people right now.
The good stuff
Trusting my instincts.
This felt good!
Also dancing and reflecting and making conscious choices about everything.
Lots of entry and exit.
My partner-in-crime and I did pretty much nothing but entry, a thousand times a day.
I filled an entire notebook with notes about entering, and this is the thing that kept me from falling apart this week.
And it was so much fun! Not only did we do entry for everything, we did everything together and that was fun too.
Entry rituals for dance class, entry for the monkey, entry for shavasana, entry for snacks, entry for all of it. And then exit, exit, exit and Revue!
Plus we threw the smallest dance party ever at the Playground. Fun!
Learning and releasing.
So I mentioned that the hard of this week involved having to process a lot of old grief related to money pain that was reminding me of not-good things from then.
But this was also the good, because I dissolved some giant walls, and learned some very useful things about my relationship with having.
Not taking shoes personally.
It was a week of people aiming shoes at me.
Four of them!
But none of the shoes actually landed in my space. I didn’t have to work through any hurt feelings. It was just people being in their pain and lashing out at me, but without being able to reach me.
Thank you, years of practice. Thank you, hard-earned compassionate communication skills. Thank you, everything I have learned at Rally! (Rally!)
Thank you, impossibly hard bootcamp-of-leadership that was running my Kitchen Table program for three years. I may have an alarming number of grey hairs and battle scars, but hey, at least I have a fabulous shoe-deflecting force field.
Taking things personally used to be my achilles heel (and for all I know it still is, in certain circumstances).
So I felt reassured to see this wasn’t coming up, and I can still set firm loving boundaries to protect the other people who might see the shoe and internalize it.
I am a stark raving supergenius!
That’s what the gentleman said. He said:
You are a stark raving supergenius!
And that was exactly what I needed to hear.
Laughter.
Sometimes everything is so completely funny.
Like, spiritually funny.
Like, how hilarious is it that I would ever think the thought “oh no, how do I access patience and radiance?!” when actually patience and radiance live inside of my cells and in the tiles in my shower and inside of light switches that I switch on and off every day.
All of that and much more was funny this week, and I spent a lot of time in blissed out hilarity.
Plus all that smiling is fun. And knowing that it comes from having processed the process and done all the work is even better.
Running a Shiva Nata workshop on coordination and spatial awareness.
For the roller derby team that I sponsor.
We were invincible, confident, smart and awesome (that’s the verticals), while being ready, fast, sly and trusting (the horizontals).
There was a lot of giggling, and also some quality stretching.
Hannukah is the best.
So pretty with all the candles.
And we ate levivot twice, and also there was a potato kugel one night. So I’m feeling pretty happy about that.
Bruce Wayne’s strengthening elixir.
Because I am all about Bruce Wayne right now.
This is what I’m calling my disgusting iron drink that I have to drink, and I hate it.
Changing the name doesn’t make it taste any less horrid, but it gets me through it faster.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
I have been assiduously trying to avoid Tabstravaganza this week. But go read this post about loss and presence from Darxy. It’s amazing. Leave her a tiny pebble — o — and sit with her if you like.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- The origins of Rally!
- The difference between grinding wheels and not grinding wheels.
- I need this post to be printed out and posted in every room of my life, possibly also tattooed somewhere: Not everything requires a response.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band comes to us via @fergaloid.
Do Your Thang and the Light Unexpected
It’s my favorite band ever!
Though, astonishingly, it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- SUNDAY. This Sunday. That’s when prices go up (considerably) for Rally (Rally!). Two of the rallies are sold out, several more are close to full.
- You can also apply for a Stowawayship scholarship ship for Rally between now and Sunday.
- The Art of Embarking is the prerequisite for everything I’m teaching next year. Next year starts this weekend, you guys! It’s about entry and preparing for the voyage, and it’s important.
- The 2012 calendars are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I think that’s all. If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom. OH AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU GUYS!
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
I have studied 17 months to be able to say this.
Over the course of the past year and a half, I have been studying Rally (Rally!).
Studying it like I was doing a graduate degree in rallying, which I was. And also studying it because I needed to understand more about its kooky, marvel-filled magic.
It took me fifteen entire Rallies to do this. Trying to get a handle on the toughest questions about Rally:
What is it, exactly? What are the results and what are the effects? How does it change people and how does it change the world? How does it change my world?
And how do you talk about something that cannot be described in words?
I kept studying it.
I have gleaned considerable amounts of useful information from comments that people have left here on the blog. And I see how the way they interact with the material here changes after they have been on Rally.
(See Marisa’s sovereign and clear comment yesterday, so full of spaciousness and harmonious knowing– you can instantly tell that a Rally grad wrote it.)
People have sent sweet pictures and letters. And I have seen them do things after Rally. Fabulous, inspiring things!
But my main source of study has been my Kitchen Table program, which is now coming to a close after three intense years.
I’ve steadily been collecting evidence of the surprising and unexpected effects of Rally (Rally!) through observing how people change when they come back to our closed community after this experience.
Here’s some of what I’ve noticed…
Presence.
The people who have been on Rally are about a thousand billion times more present.
I don’t mean that they’re around more. I mean that they are so much more aware of their process and their experience. They’re more grounded and more sovereign.
Destuckification as the default.
They destuckify faster. Way faster.
They enter and exit situations and experiences more consciously.
When they’re in their stuff, they recognize that and do something to interact with it.
When someone else is having a moment and being in their stuff, the Rally grads are nearly always the ones who are able to show up with compassionate, wise, loving, permission-filled responses.
Beautiful boundaries.
The people who have been through Rally have stronger, healthier boundaries.
They apologize less. They blame less, placate less, falter less. They play more.
They are clear and intentional about what they need in any given interaction, and they ask for it, without attachment to whether or not they get it.
They remember how to play.
Rallions post-Rally are so much more likely to come up with creative, elegant, playful solutions to anything that’s not working.
They are more trusting about time. More aware of how time can be magic.
More likely to intentionally take a rabbit hole or take a time out (paws!). Or negotiate with a monster.
They’re less likely to go into intense avoidance mode, and more likely to remember to be curious about what is hiding inside of avoidance.
Congruence and harmoniousness.
When Rallygators get the thing they want, it feels satisfying and joyful for them, because they infused the whole process with intention.
They fractal flowered things. Sometimes with proxies.
They used their superpowers.
Speaking of superpowers…
They know so much more about superpowers. About their superpowers.
They trust their power more. They trust their instincts more.
They have MORE FUN.
That’s because they know how to make work be not-work. How to make it light-hearted.
And how to use costumes to channel different aspects of identity. You know who does this really well? Jenny.
But also it’s because they’re not impressed by their stuff.
The art of seeing pain but not being inside of it.
Once you have been on Rally (Rally!), you know so much more about your stuff. Your pain-fear-grief-anxiety-worry patterns.
And you recognize it for what it is — your stuff!
And when you forget, you go back to your force field and regroup. You make a blanket fort. You use the elevator shaft.
Hum more. Guilt less.
That’s how I would sum up the effects of Rally, actually.
The people who have been on Rally hum more. They guilt less.
They know about hidden solutions, and the patterns behind the patterns.
They use the tools. They can turn anything into a tool.
Rally is what changed the Kitchen Table.
Having Kitchen Table people come to Rally has completely changed our KT experience for the better.
Before we had Rally, there were times (not all the time, just occasionally) when it would seem to me that everyone was grinding wheels, while I was constantly modeling and reminding how to step out of the wheel-grinding.
But once a few KT-ers had rallied, I had allies. We were doing it together, and changing the culture, and then other people could figure out how to do it too.
We were a community of people who know how to do all the things that I was describing above. And it has spread.
So even people who haven’t rallied (I know, it’s hard to get here from Australia! Some day, my loves!) pick up the Rally-ness. They absorb the magic.
And we have seeded a deeper process of doing this work.
One more really important thing.
This. Since July 11, 2010 (or a week or so before that), I have invested insane amounts of time and money into Rally.
I have been willing, even happy, to run Rally at a loss — it takes three full weeks of each month to set up, [verb], recover, consolidate and review in order for a Rally to happen. That’s not calculating in what it takes to spread the word. Or to fill the Playground with toys.
And I have done this fifteen times. Totally 100% worth it. I do not have any resentment about the investment.
I got to be the venture capitalist, the inventor, the R&D team, the therapist, the explorer, the ship’s captain, and all of it. It has been amazing.
And I have learned that no matter what we charged for Rally, it would never cover what you actually get.
Never.
Because what’s the price of the equivalent of five years of therapy happening in a week? What’s the price of becoming someone who can generate creative solutions to stuck? Or the price of finally learning to trust your instincts? Or the price of being able to become secret friends with any project?
For the past six months I’ve been talking about how in 2012 Rally prices are going up so that they can be more congruent with what Rally is.
And I was doing the work so that I could be ready for Rally to cover its own expenses. I have graduated from my trainings. I have also learned (through Rally!) what it’s like when things are not reflecting congruence. Congruence is a door.
Here’s the announcing part.
On Sunday, January 1st (probably towards evening? Because everyone’s sleeping in?), we’ll bring Rally prices into congruence. To where they need to be now for Rally to carry itself without me paying for it.
There are nine Rallies in 2012. Two have already sold out. Two more are close to full. There will be only four Rallies in 2013.
If you want to come to Rally, and to do it at the old and much-lower prices, make this happen before Sunday. The page for signing up for Rally (Rally!) is here.
If you need a stowawayship scholarship, you can apply for one here.
And of course let it be clear that I love you completely and without reservation, whether or not you ever come to a Rally.
xox
Havi
Usual comment zen applies.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. We make this space safe by taking loving responsibility for our stuff and not putting it on other people. We play.
If you would like to say YAY RALLY, I would love that.
If you would like to sit with me in the giant communal blanket fort and drink tea or bourbon or whatever, that is welcome too.
Scholarship! Ship!
Scholarship-ship sailings are embarking between now and this Sunday, January 1st.
The scholarship is for a Rally (Rally!) in 2012.
Except for January and April which have already sold out.
Everything you need to know about the HMS Scholarship is on this page.
Enter as you wish to be in it.
xox
Advice-Giving mode vs Helper-Mouse mode
Advice-Giving mode:
“Have you tried…? Why don’t you just…?”
Implied: “Have you considered that my way might be better?”
Helper-Mouse mode:
“What do you need? How can I help you get what you want? Can you give me more information about how you’d like to feel?”
Implied: “How can I help us get even more clear about what’s important to you?”
Right now I am filling a safe room with the essence of SHELTER. For every part of me who does not wish to be told what to do.
And I am filling another room with PEACE. Dropping all unrequested advice-givings into this room so they can dissolve and transform. This room knows about the core intention of helpfulness. Helping without any hidden expectations or attachment.
I am setting expectations and releasing expectations at the same time. The hardest and the most important practice.
We all have our stuff.
We all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. There is nothing wrong with us for having stuff. We get to interact with it in ways that feel safe and comfortable, at our own pace and in our own way.
Hint! If you think this post is about you, that’s your stuff! If you feel anxious reading this, that’s your stuff! If you aren’t sure what it means, that’s your stuff! It’s always our stuff. And we always get to learn more about how our stuff works. That’s what we do here. With love.