In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Wow. Hard to believe it’s been a hundred chickens since I got to make the 76 trombones joke.

Pretty much no one thought was funny but me. Speaking of which: sad trombone!

I have been avoiding writing this week’s chicken.

I think it’s because I don’t want to remember the hard parts. There was a fair amount of hard.

Okay, permission to not have to name it all. I’ll chicken as a way to say: I am here.

The hard stuff

Overwhelmed. So overwhelmed!

Here is a partial list of things that were going on for me this week:

• Planning the winding down of the year for my Kitchen Table program (our third and final year), answering questions, calming worries, planning the Appreciation Picnic.
• Planning the opening of the brand-new Floating Playground.
• Planning the opening of the new actual Playground (we’re keeping the current space but also expanding and moving into a larger space).
• Planning Shivanauticon!
• Planning my workshop on visualizations and badassery for the roller derby team.
• Planning for having a houseguest at Hoppy House.
• Planning to bring in a third full-time employee (three includes me, yes?) onto the pirate ship, and thinking about how best to train this person. Also, employee? What a depressing word! Where’s metaphor mouse?!
• Planning my Absconding because I need a pirate queen holiday pronto.

So. Each one of these is a really good thing, not a hard thing.

But having so many pieces to interact with (and so much of other people’s worry in my space) was really, really challenging.

I got a piece of AMAZING news and then didn’t feel happy about it.

Finally got a YES on the thing I have been wanting, hoping and wishing for over the past several months.

So now it’s real.

I’d thought this news would result in delighted skipping up and down the street.

But what actually happened was that the full OHMYLORD THIS IS HAPPENING began to sink in.

It’s not that I don’t want it. I want it more than anything. And it’s not that I’m not ready. This is the time. This is what I want.

It’s just the growth period that lives at the threshold. But my sadness in the moment of realizing that my wish is going to come true is made sadder by the realization that there’s sadness, if that makes sense.

So this week I’m going to need to spend some time with that grief, and find out about this new change. And figure out how to make it happen in ways that are fun and light-hearted. Because Barrington says that this is important.

A challenge that I don’t want.

I know we will find the perfect simple solution. It will work out as it needs to.

And in the meantime, I’m in the challenging part.

Advice.

I don’t like. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it. If I’d wanted it, I would have asked for it.

Frustrated mouse moments about this all week.

Got in a fight with someone who works on the pirate ship.

I tend to hire people who are very down-to-earth, to balance out my need for excitement and risk-taking that is part of (for me) being an unlikely business savant.

But then I get annoyed when they can’t get excited about the crazy fabulous things I dream up. But of course they can’t, because that’s not what they do.

Anyway, we worked it out. With compassionate communication. And discovered that (as always), it was just a misunderstanding. But not fun. And I’m feeling even more mama-bear-protective of my tiny sweet things than usual.

My stuff got triggered.

Someone called me a greedy little piggy. He said it in the most loving, endearing way. With a chuckle. As if it was adorable and sweet.

It was this moment of total disconnect.

Someone smiling happily at me but with this (to-my-ears) condescending and judgmental monster-script phrase coming out of his mouth. Echoing my actual monsters.

I froze. I made a safe room for me-from-then. And an entire apartment buildings of safe rooms. For angry, indignant me. For “what if it’s true” me. For all of my hurt.

I brought the pirate queen back to the front of the V.

I translated in my head to what I’m pretty sure this person actually meant to say, which was probably something like: “Wow, you’re really clear about what you want, and you’re not afraid to go for it.”

He had no intention of hurting my feelings, and no knowledge that this is something that can set off my stuff.

But man, it shut me down for days. And I’m still dealing with the fall-out. A lot of pain from then.

And more hard stuff that I don’t want to talk about.

We’ll just put this as a placeholder.

Reminder to sad, scared selves: I don’t have to name it. I can just know that it was there. Now is not then. Sad happens. It’s okay.

The good stuff

Change is exciting.

I’ve spent the past seven years working towards the things that are happening NOW.

And even though I didn’t know how awesome some of these things would be, I knew that we were headed towards excitement. And here it is!

Expanding the Playground!

The vision knew about this 18 months ago. It even told me what it would look like.

And now it’s happening.

Plus we get to keep the current Playground.

This is big and important.

Getting closer to something important.

I can tell by how much my stuff was up this week.

For months I have been trying to figure out what the bridge is between the cool stuff that I’m doing and the cool stuff that I want to be doing.

The bridge is here.

I just hadn’t realized how much growth is required in stepping onto it. But you guys! The bridge! I have been dreaming about this for so long.

Proud and happy.

At the end of the first year of the Kitchen Table, there were some temper tantrums. People who didn’t know how to process endings. People who were in their stuff.

Same thing at the end of the second year.

Not this year.

I have a hundred people who know how to take ownership of their experience. They can process the hard. They can do the advanced practice. They can destuckify.

They remember how without me having to remind them. They live what I teach without falling so deep into their stuff that they forget how to interact with what’s happening.

I feel joyful and appreciative watching them do it.

Roller derby workshop!

I taught a two hour workshop that used Shiva Nata and force fields and extreme silliness to help a group of amazing athletes get better at using visualizations and meditative processes to skate better.

It ROCKED. They rocked.

So excited for this season!

Bryan’s CDs arrived.

Remember when I asked if anyone had Long, Slow & Deep?

Gaye did and she sent it to me. Perfect timing.

The Playground calendars are here and they are so completely beautiful.

They’re filled with play!

I burst out laughing every time I pick one up. They’re exactly what I wanted, and I can’t stop looking at them.

This might be the most gorgeous product we’ve ever made.

The rendezvous was a success!

I loathe meetings, as you might imagine.

But we had one. And we managed to make it fun.

And now I have all the information I need to move forward, as well as the go-ahead from the people in charge of the thing I wasn’t sure about.

Healthy.

Usually when I have this much going on, I get sick.

But — tfu tfu tfu — things have been fine.

I’ve been taking naps, dancing, meditating, yoga-ing, processing, reflecting, taking care of myself.

This is a sign that this work I’ve been doing has changed how I teach and how I lead. That’s a big deal, and I want to remember that.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

From the archives.

Old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

• Look how wise I was two years ago. This made me so happy to rediscover: You don’t need to take the leap.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band:

Proxy To Spare

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

1. Less than two weeks until Rally prices go up. January is sold out. You can still make February or March. Rally (Rally!) . It’s the best thing I do.
2. If you’re thinking about the Floating Playground, you’ll definitely need the Art of Embarking. Which is also still at not-full-price, so you can enjoy the fact that I’ve been too busy to update things.
3. I’ll tell the HAT list (Havi’s Announcing a Thing!) about the Floating Playground before I open it to the public, so that’s always a good thing to be on. I hardly ever send out announcements but when I do, that’s the place.

I think that’s everything? If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.