What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Hello, October.
Last month we didn’t say hello to September until the 8th. This time we’re closer to the entrance — I haven’t landed yet on the timing that feels right but will keep playing/experimenting.
Ideally I think I’d want a two-part ritual. Maybe a tentative wish-filled and welcoming hello to the month before it started, and then to check in and make proper introductions once it had begun.
Anyway, October! You’re here. Hello.
This is an experimental form, and always changing. Peek at July and August too for a sense of the variety.
And yes, this is is in the context of preparing for the voyage and other forms of conscious entry.
October gwishes!
A gwish is something that is not a goal and not a wish but somewhere in between.
And more fun to say. Gwishgwishgwishgwishgwishgwishgwish!
So many gwishes. Including…
Wanting what I want — and practicing that.
Nothing scarier than acknowledging desire — and giving legitimacy to the essence of desire.
The object of desire does not need to make sense or even be achieved. The point is being okay with the wanting.
This is something I’m working on in my business, at the Playground, in my home and in all sorts of unlikely corners of my life.
It involves looking for the qualities of the thing I’m wanting, and examining the internal rules and monster laws that say I’m not allowed to want it.
I’ve been practicing small (this is the bathroom stall I’m headed towards, that is the side of the street I feel like being on), and it’s been fascinating. Let’s have more of that this October.
And I’d like some shivanautical understandings to help me get better at wanting what I want, unapologetically.
Changing rituals for the changing season.
This is the part of the year when all my summer rituals collapse in on themselves because everything is dark and the weather isn’t playing along.
And it usually takes me a while to get into my fall and winter patterns.
This time around I’d like to do more work with the Book of Me, particularly with filling out more of the almanac sections.
And then to remember what I love about fall, and to set things up for that.
- Warm evening baths.
- Heidi’s marvelous Losing It potion.
- Leaf-crunching and puddle-stomping walks.
- Flannel sheets.
- Blanket forts.
16 and 16.
As you might know, I have been doing really intense work this past year with the concept of conscious entry and exit.
Mindfully and playfully experimenting with how I approach beginnings and endings. Remembering to pause (paws!) at the moments of threshold.
And lately I’ve been broadening my experiments and making them more extreme. Hahahahaaaaaaa mad scientist laugh!
So. At the end of October I’m running Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage (password: haulaway), which is intense destuckification plus the stuff I don’t teach here because it’s too highly-hopped for mass consumption.
It will be AMAZING. And it’s a lot of work.
Normally I would carve out a few days before and after for deep immersion into teaching space, and deep recovery.
This time I want to double the time I’m spending in it. So if it’s eight days of teaching, I get sixteen days of preparation time.
Obviously, this is insane. I’d have to start Going Dark this Sunday. But I’m going to try to do this with an Island Time sort of approach.
Plum Duff!
This October is all about Plum Duff days (password: extraraisins), which go until Monday, October 17th at 11:00 am Pacific.
Except of course that everything will probably be sold out before then — I don’t think plum duff has ever lasted as long as it was supposed to.
Lots of amazing things happening.
Like two different types of highly unusual scholarships to events I’m teaching. Speaking of fun-to-say: Scholarship ship!
A new Gwish Kit. Signing up for a Rally, gets you comped into my Art of Embarking course. Various other exciting options.
My gwish is for plum duff days to be a happy, celebratory period, full of hope and possibility. And for it to continue.
The thing with Plum Duff is that it’s a GIANT production, with crazy hours of back-end administrative and design stuff. My pirate crew puts in serious overtime to make it happen.
I love doing it because it means making things possible that might normally not be. It’s the most loving thing I can do inside of the business.
But I’m going to need to be able to convince the grown-ups in the company that it’s also profitable enough to justify the massive amount of work that goes into it. So I’m gwishing for help — from all possible helper mice — in general rejoicing and spreading the word. Thank you!
The right name so I can try this thing I want to try.
A number of people I know run Quarterly Business Meetings where they talk about vision and plans and where they want their company to go.
I have visions! I have plans! That seems like a good idea.
Except that words like Quarterly and Business and Meeting make me want to curl up and cry for the rest of my life.
So we can’t call it that because I’ll never actually do it.
Either we need to come up with something that sounds similar but isn’t (Corduroy Circus Beatings?) or I need to send up a bat signal for Metaphor Mouse.
We’re Tigre and Bunny and we like the Beets! And the Boom. Or Pinky and Tina, as we also like to mis-remember it.
Either way, I need to call together the Enthusiastic (the opposite of a Board) and set up a date. And for that, I need the name.
Blanket forts everywhere!
One of the best things about Rally (Rally!) is all the crazy creative blanket forts that people build at the Playground for hiding in and working on their projects.
Last week I had someone put up a ton of hooks in random places to facilitate even more spontaneous blanket-forting.
Spontaneous Blanket Forting. Is it … just one guy?
I want my own blanket forts. In my office aka the pirate queen quarters aka the Dressing Room. And at Hoppy House.
Instead of just drooling over other people’s droolings (like here and here and here), I want some forts!
Let’s do this, October.
Naming the month.
Remember when we named the moons?
I would like to name October to remind me of the thing I am practicing right now.
Let’s call it … the Moon of Elongated Entrance and Exits.
You can name October whatever you like, of course.
Ooh, and you don’t know this yet, but on the 2012 Playground calendar, there’s a space on each page to name the month. I’m so excited about that. Hello, month!
Play with me! Comment zen in the giant collective blanket fort.
I’m putting these all into the pot with love.
If you would like to throw things into the pot and/or think about your relationship with this October, go for it. You can do it here in the comments or silently in your heart.
Or wherever and however you like, of course.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.
We let other people have their stuff and take responsibility for our own stuff. We do this by not giving other people advice or telling them what to do or how to feel.
Kisses to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Extra wishes for a safe, healthy, delight-filled October with lots of the good kind of surprises.
Postscripting! Today is Day 2 of Plum Duff days (extraraisins) when things are extra special/affordable. If you’re scholarshipping, the sooner the better.
Preparing for the voyage.
A few months ago I was doing some especially-badass and obscenely-challenging shiva spirals, flailing around like a madwoman.
And when I was done, there were words in my mouth.
It was like a secret message.
A private mantra, just for me.
And I have been attempting to live by these words ever since:
Enter as you wish to be in it. Exit as you wish to continue.
Enter as you wish to be in it. Exit as you wish to continue.
Conscious entry.
I’d thought I already knew what this meant, but it turned out that there were all sorts of things about conscious entry (and self-reflective exits) that I hadn’t thought about.
Of course, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to explain any of this very well today since we all know that epiphanies are stoopid.
Or, at the very least: there is a kind of hard-earned full-body wisdom that cannot always be transmitted in words.
But I have completely changed how I enter things.
I do way less.
I do way less. But I do it more deeply.
And more gets done. Everything is slower, but the results are faster.
It’s taken a lot of self-questioning, internal negotiating, and practice to get to the point where I even let myself play with this. I mean, it’s so counter-intuitive l can hardly stand it.
Weeks of monster-talks and changing the video game just to be able to try.
Which is kind of perfect, because those are actually examples of conscious entry themselves. That — combined with rigorous scientific testing, has convinced the Monster Collective that conscious entry works. For now.
They don’t like it. And they don’t understand it. But it works.
On the bus.
About two months ago I started using conscious entry for the bus. In all sorts of ways.
I mapped out what I wanted from a bus ride. I made safe rooms (safe houses, really) for all the versions of me who have had painful bus experiences.
Rituals to interact with the body-experience of having lived through all those horrible bus rides of dread, fear and doom.
Me who had to go to that awful summer camp. Me from high school. The me who had to take the bus to work in a place where buses exploded, and she was so miserable that exploding seemed like a nice way out.
I connected to the qualities that I wanted from my relationship with being on a bus (grace, ease, safety, harmoniousness, being transported, grounding, flow).
There were dedicated bus mudras (something I’ve been doing these for over ten years) and breathing patterns and secret code word reminder phrases.
And that was just the beginning.
I’m not going to tell you about the weird stuff.
But I will say this:
Unhinged people don’t accost me on the bus anymore. I always have a seat — usually to myself. People make room for me and give me space. They smile warmly, but they don’t talk to me. Unless I want them to.
It’s trippy.
The thing I wanted from conscious entry was to not hate riding the bus so much. But I’m actually enjoying myself. This is weirding me out like you would not believe.
And I’m using the bus time to practice being present. To radiate peacefulness.
To play with conscious entry some more: interacting with the experience that is waiting for me in the place where the bus is delivering me.
It’s the same mindful destuckification work I’ve been doing for the past nearly-seven years, but it’s deeper.
Here are the questions I’m asking.
This is how I approach things now:
And when I say “things”, I mean everything. Eating breakfast. Writing a blog post.
If I were going to enter this experience as I wished to be in it, what would I do for myself?
How does my approach to this experience change when I want to enter it as I wish to be in it? What will I do differently and why?
What will I do now to set things up for then?
What will I do now to ensure that the way I enter this experience is congruent with a) how I want to feel during it and b) with the qualities I hope to receive from it?
It takes more time but somehow everything takes less time.
This morning I asked Slightly Wiser Me what would help me write this post if I only had a short amount of time to do it in. She told me to wear the purple wig and light the candle.
I rolled my eyes. But I did it.
And then I knew what to say.
I’m pretty sure that next time she’ll tell me something else, and we’ll giggle about the wig and candle thing. But talking to her is a form of conscious entry. For me. Your forms might be different.
It’s just another way to prepare for the voyage so that the voyage will be amazing.
There isn’t a right way. It’s your practice. Your kingdom. You will have to experiment.
The point isn’t what you do to enter. No wigs required.
It’s that you’re entering with intention. It’s the curious, loving, playful, investigative approach.
And every single thing that happens is different because you have established your presence in it differently.
People respond differently because you’re there differently.
Play with me? And comment zen for today.
Let’s take this question:
What could you change now to be more present for the thing that is coming?
And see what happens. You can play silently or out loud. It all counts.
As always, we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a practice.
We let people have their own experience, and we don’t give advice.
Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Very Personal Ads #117: channeling the pegacorn
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
It’s Sunday! Again. Time for some Very Personal Ads.
Let’s see if I can get these up before the Timbers match starts.
*friendly wave to Whitecaps fans up north*
Thing 1: Conscious entry
Here’s what I want:
I have been doing a lot of work in my own practice around entering things. And I’ve been talking about this at Rally (Rally!).
It’s now time to begin teaching this in deeper and more formalized ways, because it’s the next step. And it’s the kind of thing I want/expect my people to be playing with.
So. I’ve spent the past weeks creating materials about preparing for the voyage.
I am going to give these as a gift and as non-homework practice to everyone coming to Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage password: haulaway.
And I’m going to teach a marvelous class on the Art of Embarking, which is going to be a prerequisite for rallying (though it will not cost anything to people who have already signed up for a 2012 Rally). Or who sign up before I announce this.
We’re also going to put up a special forum board at my Kitchen Table program that will be devoted to practicing various forms of entry and exit.
So I’d like to be able to go live with all of this in the coming week, and for it to go smoothly and be lots of fun.
Ways this could work:
This is the time. This is what’s needed.
It can just work.
And it can be light, buoyant, happy and playful.
My commitment.
To keep talking to slightly wiser me. To do the work.
To live by the words in my heart.
To have fun with this.
Thing 2: To announce a bunch of announcings!
Here’s what I want:
There’s a special FURLOUGH scholarship. And a stowawayship.
And new and exciting things for the next round of Plum Duff days.
I need to actually remember to tell you guys about this stuff.
Also I need to finish up the last little bits and pieces so it can go live.
Ways this could work:
I can spend tomorrow tweaking and getting into Announcement mode.
Wearing a costume usually helps.
I’m going to try my Shopkeeper’s hat and the wizarding skirt (It’s hilarious, seriously you need to come to Rally just to see this ridiculous skirt).
And possibly wings. It couldn’t hurt.
My commitment.
To approach the announcings with conscious entry.
To take care of myself.
To let things have their own timing.
To find out what needs to happen for me to trust that.
To dance around and flail the shivanautical flail of chaos and hilarity.
I might also have to do Erin’s penguin dance while wearing a top hat.
Thing 3: Magazines, please
Here’s what I want:
We need more magazines that we can cut and chop up for collage-ing and various crafty projects at the Playground.
Also stickers! We pretty much always need stickers.
Ways this could work:
I am putting it here. Anyone in Portland or the general area who can bring some?
Anyone coming to a Rally who might have some?
I can ask the roller derby team I sponsor.
And maybe some of our Playground neighbors who get trade magazines or keep magazines in their waiting rooms.
My commitment.
To ask the ask.
To fill up on appreciation for all the people who contribute to the Playground.
To give you our mailing address in case you have stickers for us:
The Fluent Self, Inc.
1526 NE Alberta St
Portland, OR 97211
United States
Thing 4: Next steps on planning Denver! How can this be easier?
Here’s what I want:
There’s so much more to do!
I want to let this be as easy as possible. To ask for help. And to be really specific in how I ask.
Someone recommended Mygola, so I’ll try that too.
The main thing is: progress! Let’s get some.
Ways this could work:
Using the Deguiltified Chicken Board at my Kitchen Table program. That always helps.
I also need to talk to my derby pals and get information about their plans.
My commitment.
To love this project as much as I love derby.
To channel the pegacorn.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
There was the ask about going to Denver for roller derby championships and I took some initial steps on that. More to be done! I also learned a lot about being precise when asking, and about certain things I take for granted, so that was interesting.
I wanted creative child-care solutions for the Playground, and we’ve been thinking about those.
The next bit was about wanting energy and enthusiasm for getting back into my body routines, and YES YES YES!!! Totally happened. It was amazing.
Then I wanted sweet, loving acceptance for my body, and I got it. That is: I was able to give it to myself, repeatedly. This is a big deal.
And I wanted to open registration for the Great Ducking Out III in November, 2012. And did not get around to it. Putting it back into the river for now.
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #166: into the river with love
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week whizzed by so quickly — for me — that I’m actually getting a bit dazed trying to remember what even happened.
The last thing I remember for sure was wearing lots of purple and sparkliness.
And a giant fluffy rainbow snake as a boa.
And then all of a sudden it was Rosh HaShana… and hello, Friday, where did you come from?
The hard stuff
Roller derby western regionals all weekend.
It was an incredibly high-stress occasion, even more than predicted (thanks to all the crazy upsets).
No sleep. No voice. And lots of general chaos and yelling.
It was VERY intense. And yes, I would do it all over again in a second. But man, that stuff takes a toll.
Distinct lack of naptime synchronization.
The times my body wanted to nap and the times available for napping did not once coincide this week.
That was kind of unfortunate.
Still feeling a bit weak and shaky.
Made it to dance class four times, but had to hide in the back and take lots of breaks.
Time.
It takes time. Sometimes I really don’t like that.
Not making progress on the thing I wanted.
Sadface mouse is me!
Working on something else instead and then getting stuck halfway.
It’s this very exciting thing that doesn’t have a name yet, and I had a rush of doing and then hit a wall, and I haven’t yet had time to talk to the wall about that.
I encountered a bully.
Actually I had already known he was a bully, through previous dealings.
But, having never met him in person, wishful-me had harbored a secret hope that his perceived aggression was somehow a misunderstanding.
That if I just met him in person, there would be context. And body language. And I’d realize he was just being brusque, not vindictive.
I love wishful-me. However, her hope was not my experience this week.
Not only a bully, but the worst kind of bully: the one who bullies both consciously and unconsciously.
Unconsciously in the sense that it’s automatic — bullying as the default response to any interaction.
And consciously in the sense that he’s very much aware he’s doing it. And he appears to enjoy it.
An unpleasant encounter, full of unspoken but very clear threat. I am ready to be done with this.
I still want a vacation.
Yes, well. There’s that.
The good stuff
Besterns! A weekend of the best derby in the world.
Six of the top seven teams. That exist. Period. All in our division.
Basically everyone who’s good at roller derby with the exception of Gotham.
It was unbelievable. Heart-stopping.
Yes, it was fun to wear fabulous boutfits, sit with my Guns N Rollers and yell. A lot.
But mainly it was fun to WIN.
Rose City ended up skating against our two biggest rivals — Bay Area and Seattle. And took them both out mercilessly. We’re going to Denver for Championships!!!!
And, amazingly, I was able to take care of myself.
As best I could. Which was good enough.
I was very selective about which bouts I went to over the weekend.
And which to watch online. I’m glad Rat City beat Denver (so we didn’t have to skate against them), and I’m glad I didn’t have to watch it in person.
There was sleep. There was tea. There were breaks. There was Entry and Exit. And general mindful loving attentiveness to what I needed.
So that’s way better than it could have been.
Fun! And friends
Yes, I’m still talking about Bridgetown Brawl. Bear with me.
Juno was here! And we hung out and giggled for half the night. Also she made me the best sticker ever, which is now going to live in my office.
Tootie was here too, even though I didn’t get to see him. I’ll see him in Denver!
Plus I got to finally meet Jess (@openlybalanced), and she’s awesome.
Sunday Parkways.
Only about an hour of it because of derby.
But a really great hour, wondering the streets of my favorite neighborhood and waving at pirates on bikes.
Entry and exits.
More time preparing for things and recovering from things.
It’s helping.
The best ideas ever.
The shivanautical realizations just keep on coming.
I am so passionate about the stuff I’m working on right now that I can hardly even stand it.
This is big, subversive stuff, and I love it.
Sun.
Mmmmmmmmm.
Even more changes at the Playground!
The Playground is looking and feeling extra-gorgeous right now.
We’ve been making crazy changes all week.
New art, new toys, new color. Lots of it.
And improvements to my Pirate Queen Quarters aka my dressing room too.
I handled my encounter with the bully much better than imagined.
I didn’t take it personally.
I didn’t cry, yell or run away.
The moment it was clear that there was no use in trying to state my case, I said goodbye and walked away.
I made separations. I processed.
This is a huge step forward from old patterns. Like hiding in bed for weeks. Or being furious, resentful and scared. And not being able to stop rehashing the conversation in my head.
Progress! Gigantic progress! I’ll take it.
Tashlich.
My favorite part of Rosh HaShana is throwing what I am done with from the past year into the river.
In the form of bread crumbs.
It is always beautiful and astonishing, and this year especially so.
Each year I play with a different form and intention, and this year’s was very shivanautical:
I am releasing the pattern of ________________.
I am releasing the need for this pattern.
I am releasing whatever ties me to this pattern.
I am ready to integrate the new elements and the new pattern.
It was one of those things that can’t be described because epiphanies are stupid, but it changed me.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week?
Electric Blue and the Blindfolded Speed Cubers
Thanks to Marisa!
They’re playing — loudly — all week. Except you should probably know that it’s really just one guy.
Announcement time!
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
The official page for Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage! (password: haulaway). is finally here!
In the nick of time too, because there are now only FOUR spaces left in this program.
Early Brunch was supposed to end on Sept 30th but I didn’t put up the actual copy, because I spaced out and forgot about the Jewish new year. So we’re extending it until October 5.
Again, FOUR spaces left. If you haven’t read the new page (which just went up this morning), read it now. Can’t wait to cross the line with you.
PASSWORD: haulaway
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Best year ever. May it be so.
I’m wishing us a sweet, healthy, happy, sustainable, peaceful new year.
Let it be filled with delight, spaciousness, ease, grace, color, and endless surprises of the good kind. Time in the hammock. Good snacks. And really great costumes.
I would like to see what I’m tripping over, interact consciously with the parts of me who are in pain, and ask useful questions.
This year I want to approach the world with curiosity.
And appreciation. To cultivate a lovingly-alert receptivity to the good.
May I want what I want, and be okay with the wanting.
Or — if that doesn’t work for me in any given moment, may I be okay with the not-being-okay while I’m working on it.
And may these things come true for you as well, if you want them.
Shana tova u’metuka.
Best year ever. May it be so.
Yes, it’s Rosh HaShana. Again. Also known as… argh, crap, happy new year!
Also also also known as the month of new beginnings.
And every year I have to link to this Onion article because it makes me giggle uncontrollably. Tradition!