What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #166: into the river with love
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week whizzed by so quickly — for me — that I’m actually getting a bit dazed trying to remember what even happened.
The last thing I remember for sure was wearing lots of purple and sparkliness.
And a giant fluffy rainbow snake as a boa.
And then all of a sudden it was Rosh HaShana… and hello, Friday, where did you come from?
The hard stuff
Roller derby western regionals all weekend.
It was an incredibly high-stress occasion, even more than predicted (thanks to all the crazy upsets).
No sleep. No voice. And lots of general chaos and yelling.
It was VERY intense. And yes, I would do it all over again in a second. But man, that stuff takes a toll.
Distinct lack of naptime synchronization.
The times my body wanted to nap and the times available for napping did not once coincide this week.
That was kind of unfortunate.
Still feeling a bit weak and shaky.
Made it to dance class four times, but had to hide in the back and take lots of breaks.
Time.
It takes time. Sometimes I really don’t like that.
Not making progress on the thing I wanted.
Sadface mouse is me!
Working on something else instead and then getting stuck halfway.
It’s this very exciting thing that doesn’t have a name yet, and I had a rush of doing and then hit a wall, and I haven’t yet had time to talk to the wall about that.
I encountered a bully.
Actually I had already known he was a bully, through previous dealings.
But, having never met him in person, wishful-me had harbored a secret hope that his perceived aggression was somehow a misunderstanding.
That if I just met him in person, there would be context. And body language. And I’d realize he was just being brusque, not vindictive.
I love wishful-me. However, her hope was not my experience this week.
Not only a bully, but the worst kind of bully: the one who bullies both consciously and unconsciously.
Unconsciously in the sense that it’s automatic — bullying as the default response to any interaction.
And consciously in the sense that he’s very much aware he’s doing it. And he appears to enjoy it.
An unpleasant encounter, full of unspoken but very clear threat. I am ready to be done with this.
I still want a vacation.
Yes, well. There’s that.
The good stuff
Besterns! A weekend of the best derby in the world.
Six of the top seven teams. That exist. Period. All in our division.
Basically everyone who’s good at roller derby with the exception of Gotham.
It was unbelievable. Heart-stopping.
Yes, it was fun to wear fabulous boutfits, sit with my Guns N Rollers and yell. A lot.
But mainly it was fun to WIN.
Rose City ended up skating against our two biggest rivals — Bay Area and Seattle. And took them both out mercilessly. We’re going to Denver for Championships!!!!
And, amazingly, I was able to take care of myself.
As best I could. Which was good enough.
I was very selective about which bouts I went to over the weekend.
And which to watch online. I’m glad Rat City beat Denver (so we didn’t have to skate against them), and I’m glad I didn’t have to watch it in person.
There was sleep. There was tea. There were breaks. There was Entry and Exit. And general mindful loving attentiveness to what I needed.
So that’s way better than it could have been.
Fun! And friends
Yes, I’m still talking about Bridgetown Brawl. Bear with me.
Juno was here! And we hung out and giggled for half the night. Also she made me the best sticker ever, which is now going to live in my office.
Tootie was here too, even though I didn’t get to see him. I’ll see him in Denver!
Plus I got to finally meet Jess (@openlybalanced), and she’s awesome.
Sunday Parkways.
Only about an hour of it because of derby.
But a really great hour, wondering the streets of my favorite neighborhood and waving at pirates on bikes.
Entry and exits.
More time preparing for things and recovering from things.
It’s helping.
The best ideas ever.
The shivanautical realizations just keep on coming.
I am so passionate about the stuff I’m working on right now that I can hardly even stand it.
This is big, subversive stuff, and I love it.
Sun.
Mmmmmmmmm.
Even more changes at the Playground!
The Playground is looking and feeling extra-gorgeous right now.
We’ve been making crazy changes all week.
New art, new toys, new color. Lots of it.
And improvements to my Pirate Queen Quarters aka my dressing room too.
I handled my encounter with the bully much better than imagined.
I didn’t take it personally.
I didn’t cry, yell or run away.
The moment it was clear that there was no use in trying to state my case, I said goodbye and walked away.
I made separations. I processed.
This is a huge step forward from old patterns. Like hiding in bed for weeks. Or being furious, resentful and scared. And not being able to stop rehashing the conversation in my head.
Progress! Gigantic progress! I’ll take it.
Tashlich.
My favorite part of Rosh HaShana is throwing what I am done with from the past year into the river.
In the form of bread crumbs.
It is always beautiful and astonishing, and this year especially so.
Each year I play with a different form and intention, and this year’s was very shivanautical:
I am releasing the pattern of ________________.
I am releasing the need for this pattern.
I am releasing whatever ties me to this pattern.
I am ready to integrate the new elements and the new pattern.
It was one of those things that can’t be described because epiphanies are stupid, but it changed me.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week?
Electric Blue and the Blindfolded Speed Cubers
Thanks to Marisa!
They’re playing — loudly — all week. Except you should probably know that it’s really just one guy.
Announcement time!
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
The official page for Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage! (password: haulaway). is finally here!
In the nick of time too, because there are now only FOUR spaces left in this program.
Early Brunch was supposed to end on Sept 30th but I didn’t put up the actual copy, because I spaced out and forgot about the Jewish new year. So we’re extending it until October 5.
Again, FOUR spaces left. If you haven’t read the new page (which just went up this morning), read it now. Can’t wait to cross the line with you.
PASSWORD: haulaway
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Best year ever. May it be so.
I’m wishing us a sweet, healthy, happy, sustainable, peaceful new year.
Let it be filled with delight, spaciousness, ease, grace, color, and endless surprises of the good kind. Time in the hammock. Good snacks. And really great costumes.
I would like to see what I’m tripping over, interact consciously with the parts of me who are in pain, and ask useful questions.
This year I want to approach the world with curiosity.
And appreciation. To cultivate a lovingly-alert receptivity to the good.
May I want what I want, and be okay with the wanting.
Or — if that doesn’t work for me in any given moment, may I be okay with the not-being-okay while I’m working on it.
And may these things come true for you as well, if you want them.
Shana tova u’metuka.
Best year ever. May it be so.
Yes, it’s Rosh HaShana. Again. Also known as… argh, crap, happy new year!
Also also also known as the month of new beginnings.
And every year I have to link to this Onion article because it makes me giggle uncontrollably. Tradition!
The Day of Chickening is upon us.
Alright. I have all sorts of things to get done today, and I imagine you do too.
So I’m officially declaring today to be a Day of Chickening!
How it works:
You state the thing you want to do.
That’s basically it.
Or, if you like, you can also set it up (entry!).
For example, you can think about how you want to approach it or play with it.
And what will help.
And what you’re going to try if the initial approach doesn’t work.
Here’s mine.
Okay, background!
The monsters from the Grumblethrum Collective (their slogan: No time! No time!) are saying there are seventeen billion things that need to be done today.
We know from experience that this is not true, but it feels true.
So. My initial plan, to be revised later if necessary.
I’m going to try focusing on a few items (and using the fractal flowers so that working on one thing is secretly working on all the other things).
Maybe this will demonstrate to the Collective that yes, actually this does make a difference.
They’ve already — thanks to rigorous scientific testing I’ve persuaded them to let me run — accepted the premise that doing SOMETHING is more effective than them yelling and me getting stuck.
The approach for today:
Doing things in sets of three.
With a variation on what Maryann (of Secret Playdate fame) calls the layer cake technique.
(Layer cake is when you alternate X minutes of the thing you’re working on with X minutes of something creative, fun or different.)
Lately I’ve been doing my layering in intentionally-non-numbered sets of three.
- First I work on the part of the project that intrigues me.
- Next a creative or restful Intentional Switch of some kind.
- And then following it up with something that is not fun and needs to be made more fun.
I also like break things up between sets.
Usually with ten minutes of walking around and breathing. Or interacting with my work space in some way (like some old Turkish lady stretches or giving myself puttering-permission). Puttering Time!
What will help?
Oh! I can use secret agent code phrases for the things I’m working on, and rename them.
If it doesn’t work?
What am I going to do if I’m not experiencing this in the way I want?
I’ll do some stone skipping and ask useful questions.
Specifically:
- What are the qualities that will help me with this?
- What about my environment is supporting me in this? What in my environment needs to change?
- What is the essence/purpose/mission of the thing I’m trying to do?
- How can I make this more like Rally (Rally!). How can this get more ease-filled, creative and fun?
And I will isolate iguanas/monsterlets/sad-selves as necessary, and help them find safe spaces.
Let’s do it!
What I want:
How much progress can I make today on updating the Crossing the Line page?
Here’s my first set:
#) Love notes (secret code!)
?) Tea
!!) Ask B + R about X
I will check-in during the day and see how this goes. Adjustments will be made as necessary.
You can play too. Comment zen for the chickening…
Just state (silently or here in the comments) what you want to work on or play with. That’s enough! You can proxy if you like.
Check back in as you feel like it.
If it gets challenging (or even if it doesn’t), we interact consciously. We experiment. We notice things.
We can respond to each other with warm, loving hand-on-heart sighs. Or cheering. Or whatever you want. Ask for what you want.
We all have our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff and we let other people have their stuff. We don’t give each other advice — unless someone specifically asks for it.
Let the Day of Chickening begin!
p.s. This is something we do at my Kitchen Table program — with a dedicated board (the Deguiltified Chicken Board) just for this. I post chickens there almost every day. It’s how I get so much done. Developing a chickening habit: recommended! If you plan to be at Crossing the Line, we’ll learn how to do this.
Object of Desire: Denver. You can help!
My giant Gwish (goal/wish) right now is to go to Denver for roller derby Championships in November and teach there.
I’m going to need your help, but first I have to figure out what I want so that I can ask for it.
And to do that, I’m using the OOD (Object of Desire) technique. Let’s do this.
State the OOD.
I want to have a marvelous time in Denver at Championships, stay in a lovely and supportive place, and teach the most badass awesome Shiva Nata class that ever was.
And for everything to get set up in the smoothest and easiest way possible, with lots of support.
Is that what I really want?
Yeah! And I notice that I used the word support twice. So that seems like it’s a really important component.
This whole experience is going to be very challenging (travel! not a lot of time! giant crowds! high pressure!) for a Highly Sensitive Person like myself.
So if it’s going to happen, it’s imperative that it happens in such a way that I feel comfortable, grounded and taken care of every step of the way.
Qualities?
Play. Comfort. Support. Radiance. Light-heartedness. Ease. Experimentation. Inspiration. Creativity. Belonging. Welcoming. Harmoniousness. Flow. Excitement. Anticipation. Happiness. Sanctuary. Grounding. Sovereignty. Trust. Silliness.
Why I want this.
This is our year!!!!
There is no way I’m missing Championships the first year that Rose City has made it all the way. We’re going to sweep this thing. Or, at the very least, we’ll duke it out for third place.
I need to be a part of this. And Shiva Nata needs to be a part of this.
If the only thing that a roller-derby-shivanauttery class delivers is ONE hit that sticks or ONE block at the right time or ONE juke or jump that gets our jammer ahead, that’s the difference between win or lose.
And really, only one thing?! Preposterous. The results are drastic and dramatic when you can see them in a physical practice.
This is the next step. We’re planting seeds for the day when no athlete anywhere does anything without doing Shiva Nata first. And I’ll know exactly when it started.
THIS NOVEMBER in Denver!
Needed! A hotel in Denver or Boulder, preferably Denver.
It needs to be relatively quiet. Or at least my room does.
Here are the Absolutely Absolutelies, aka the dealbreaker bits:
- It absolutely absolutely has to have complimentary wifi. Emphasis on the wireless part.
- I am not okay with having to pay for parking. The hotel needs to provide parking at no charge. It’s annoying enough that I have to rent a car…
Living in cities (Portland, Berlin, Tel Aviv) where you can take public transportation everywhere has made me extremely antsy and impatient. What is this crap where I can’t just take a bus to get where I need to go?!?!
Budget? I’m not sure. I would like to not go higher than $165 a night.
Bonus: if I can get a good massage in the hotel or nearby.
Needed! A teaching space for the madcap shivanauttery.
We need a space that can hold 50-60 people.
And each person will need about 5×6 feet of space.
Plus room for me and the stage.
The Absolutely Absolutelies:
- It absolutely absolutely has to have a stage for me so that people can actually see me. The stage needs to be at least 2 feet high.
- I do not want to rent a stage/riser. We’ve done this before and it’s a gigantic pain.
- It needs to be quiet enough so I can speak and people can hear me. There cannot be an African Drumming class or a disastrous trumpet lesson happening next door. Yes, both of those things have actually happened.
- I need to be able to play music. I can bring my own system if necessary but would rather not have to.
- The space needs to be relatively visually quiet. So: not covered in giant chaotic murals or anything like that. .
Helpful but not dealbreakers: it’s pretty much always useful to have a flip chart.
Tizmun (messing about with timing)
Tizmuni is a Hebrew word which has elements of timing, arranging, schedule, itineraries and so on, but doesn’t actually terrify me.
Okay! Obviously we can’t teach over the weekend because that’s when the bouts are. Especially since we won’t know what the brackets will be until after the South Central & North Central regions have their playoffs.
It makes no sense to do it Sunday evening or Monday because a) that kind of defeats the point, and b) I will have completely lost my voice due to three straight days of yelling.
It really has to happen Thursday evening. It could maybe-maybe happen Friday morning, but that is distinctly less good.
I might need to talk to H and find out when people are flying in and arriving.
But say Thursday from 5-6:30 pm. Or 5:30-7. We really can’t do it later than that.
So if we open this to people who aren’t skaters, they’ll have to get off work early.
Fly out Wednesday, teach Thursday, derby over the weekend and done?
Disadvantages/what-ifs/monster-objections
Renting a space without knowing that you can fill it = stupid.
But renting a space that can only accommodate 20 when we already know there’s a much bigger interest is also stupid.
There’s not a lot of time to set this up.
What will help
Starting small.
Finding ways to make this less stressful. Specifically asking: What would make this easier?
Using the fractal flowers so that doing this solves other problems, and working on other parts of my business help with this too.
Slightly future me says…
Slightly future me: You don’t need my help. You know how to do this.
Me: WHAT?!
Her: Make sure the wisest version of current you is at the front of the V. Find out what she thinks. You really don’t need me for this.
Me: So you’re telling me to consult with Slightly Wiser Me From Now instead of asking you?
Her: Yup! That’s because you’re ready for this. You’ve jumped a level, or whatever you want to call it.
Slightly wiser me says…
“Listen, sweetie. You know all kinds of amazing people in Colorado. They’ll all want to see you and have tea/dinner/etc, and you’ll really want to see them too.
“Please remember that you are here on a mission.
“And this mission requires you to be at full strength/capacity. Your force field needs to be extra strong: the most shining radiant force field you know how to configure.
“You won’t be able to do that if you’re putting your energy to staying grounded and centered for these meet-ups and teaching and derby. You will stretch yourself too thin, and get depleted and sick, which messes up the Great Ducking Out.
“You need to preserve your time, space and energy to give yourself the most supportive environment for this experience. You owe this to yourself, your friends, your students and the entire experience. And you owe it to the Wheels of Justice. So commit to this.”
Allies, resources and helper mice! Who can help me with this?
I can ask my blog readers and the Kitchen Table program if they have ideas (or know people who have ideas) about a possible right hotel and/or teaching space.
My Guns N Rollers, of course. My friend Tootie who’s a ref in Denver. Juno, who skates for Rocky Mountain and is awesome and was at Rally (Rally!) with me.
And of course I can use destuckification, stone skippings, and talking to slightly wiser me some more. Checking in to make sure I’m asking the right questions.
I don’t have to do this alone. Support is the key to all of this.
Receiving support, figuring out how to be okay with support, making conscious, loving decisions that support (hee!) a supportive environment. That’s what’s next.
Comment zen in the comment blanket fort for today…
Help and more suggestions for accommodations and teaching spaces appreciated!
You can also bring your own Object of Desire and play with it here, using this format or any other format.
I would also love cheering for this big adventure. Thank you!
Love, as always, to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Very Personal Ads #116: Denver, here I come!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Usually these come out on Sunday, but Sunday I was screaming my head off at Besterns.
So we’re doing them now.
Thing 1: Roller Derby! Championships! Denver!
Here’s what I want:
Yesterday was the last day of the Bridgetown Brawl Western Regional tournament.
Rose City’s Wheels of Justice had one last chance to grab third place and make it to Championships in November, and they ran with it to crush Rat City.
Seattle! Thanks for taking out the Denver Roller Dolls so we could face off with you instead.
It was a wild and incredibly exciting weekend of derby, filled with dramatic lead changes, bizarre upsets and everyone I know losing their voice.
And we’re going to Championships!!!! Finally! Yes, the Continental Divide & Conquer.
Which means: setting up a Shiva Nata workshop in either Boulder or Denver. I can’t decide if I’ll do one for the public and one for derby, or just combine them somehow.
Ways this could work:
Local people who can help us out?
I know we’ve definitely had a ton of Rallions who come to Rally from Colorado….
Among the things I’ll need: a space to rent that can hold fifty-sixty people, hotel recommendations, spreading the word…
And a way to fit all my FABULOUS BOUTFITS into one piece of luggage.
My commitment.
To be present. To be proud. To be purple and sparkly. To ask for help. To commit.
Thing 2: creative childcare solutions/brainstorming help…
Here’s what I want:
There are lots and lots of people who would come to Rally and to Shiva Nata classes at the Playground, except they can’t because of the childcare thing.
We do not have room to offer anything like that in the Playground itself. Well, we have physical space for it, but our rooms all have low walls and share the same impossibly high ceiling, so it would be noisy. Which would not work.
And anyway the having to child-proof the Treasure Room would be quite challenging.
Possible theoretical solutions are needed that do not require the use of the Playground space itself.
Ways this could work:
One of the other tenants in the building leaves or sublets a chunk of space to us, and we make it into a kid’s Playground.
Somehow the local Rallion/Shivanaut community comes up with a solution where different people take turns doing kid-watching? In someone’s home? In the building?
I don’t know. This might need to wait until we have a different space.
I am putting it here in the hopes that SPEAKING IT will begin to stir some things.
My commitment.
To play and laugh, and then play and laugh some more. To be five years old.
Thing 3: energy and enthusiasm for coming back into body routines
Here’s what I want:
I haven’t been to a dance class in eight days.
It’s time to return.
Slowly, compassionately, carefully and with loving determination.
Ways this could work:
Use the art of the OOD.
And set up guidelines that can help me ease back in without falling apart.
My commitment.
To find out what I need. Safety first. Exploration without attachment to results.
Thing 4: sweet, loving acceptance for my body
Here’s what I want:
Related to the above.
Finding the unconditional again.
Yes, it sucks that we got sick and that all the routines were shot to hell and that we’re not in phenomenal shape anymore.
And I’m allowed to not like that, and to feel all the legitimate things that I’m feeling.
AND:
This is my home. My body is my home.
So, tfu tfu tfu — may it never happen, if a storm were to come through and damage a part of the porch, it doesn’t make sense to hate and resent my home for not being what it was before.
Or to constantly compare it to THEN.
It’s where I live. So my job is to take care of it in the best way that I can, and to help it be strong and stable.
This is what I’m trying to remember.
Ways this could work:
I can incorporate this into my Hello, Day ritual.
And I can do symbolic things with my own real-life home (Hoppy House) to remind me of how I want to treat my internal home.
Maybe some kind of ritual pre-dance class. Or maybe treat the body things I’m doing as taking a home-repairs course?
My commitment.
To experiment. To ask creative, loving questions. To release expectations. To feel what it’s like to decide to be at home.
Thing 5: opening registration for the Great Ducking Out 2012!
Here’s what I want:
The Great Ducking Out Thanksgiving Rally in November is completely sold out.
If you wanted to come and didn’t sign up in time, ask the First Mate to put you on a waiting list. I can’t make any promises, but you never know.
And now I’d like to open registration for 2012 (the Great Ducking Out III) by next week.
Ways this could work:
Use the Chicken Board at my Kitchen Table program.
Ask for help.
My commitment.
To do some systems work and figure out what changes I want to make. To order the pies!
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted a delightfully kooky throne-like chair and have not found one yet. But I’ve got some good leads.
Then I wanted SLEEP, and there was much napping. Hooray! Though, really, I could also use some more. Re-asking this one.
There was an ask about replacing the video on the Shiva Nata site, which desperately needs to happen. Several people offered their services, and I’m going to need to look into that this week as soon as I recover from derby.
And I wanted to un-whisper, and I am getting closer!
Then there was an ask for a toaster for the Playground, and I am still asking for recommendations/connections. Though Cairene gave us a thing to use once we have the toaster, and it’s awesome. Yay, VPAs!
Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
- You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
- Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
- Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
- VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox