What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
The questions
So I’ve basically been in bed for three days now.
Except for teaching the Shiva Nata class at the Playground last night, which was crazy and beautiful and impossible to describe.
But mostly bed. Recovery mode from the weekend that may or may not have been eaten by bears.
And since my whole thing is consciously interacting with whatever is going on, I have been using this Time In Bed to ask a bunch of questions.
And here they are.
These are the questions that I scribbled on in my Notebook of Recovery Time in Bed. I used them for stone skipping practice.
In no particular order…
- If I were to rewrite the weekend that resulted in being here now, what would I do differently?
- What are the parts that I would do again?
- What does this remind me of? Any elements that feel familiar?
- Who else has played my opposite role in this situation in the past?
- What’s my pattern here? And am I doing it now? Yes, yes I am.
- What are my options now for consciously and lovingly interrupting this pattern?
- Any scared parts of me from then who need attention and/or safe rooms?
- Talk to the resentment. What does it know?
- Hello, “You’ll Never Get Out Of Bed Again”. You must be one of my fuzzball monsters. What do you need in order to feel safe?
- Would you like to do some coloring?
- What am I sorry about?
- I forgive myself for __________ because ___________.
- Another person I want to forgive is __________ because ____________.
- What’s the most unexpected thing I could do right now that would still feel safe, supportive and congruent?
- If I had stronger, clearer, healthier boundaries, I’d probably…
- The version of me who’s really clear about sovereignty — what would she do?
- Slightly Future Me has already resolved this. What does she wish I knew?
- Without negating the legitimacy of the hard and painful bits, what is useful about this experience?
- What am I learning from this Time in Bed that is going to serve me well with my mission? Note! I don’t have to know what my mission is in order to answer this question.
- What’s next?
- What needs to change in my kingdom?
Your mileage may vary.
These might not be your questions.
Sometimes a question isn’t your question. There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with the question. It’s just that — at this particular moment in time — it’s not a match. That’s okay.
These questions might remind you of other questions.
Or interacting with one of the questions here might lead you to the question that you need.
The main thing is, we try things.
We operate from the following assumption: in any given situation, we have the right to play. To interact, to experiment, to find out what we need.
Play and questions are friends. What if things were like THIS? What if I tried THAT?
Play with meeeee! And the giant comment zen blanket fort.
If you would like to ask yourself any of these questions about a situation you’re currently in, go for it.
If you’d like to invent new questions and share them (or not), that’s cool too.
If you’d like to donate some imaginary pillows to the Refueling Station, I’d like that too.
As always, we all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff. We let people have their own experience and so we don’t tell each other what to do or how to feel. We practice.
Happy (possibly Blustery) Windsday!
My weekend got eaten by bears!
My weekend got eaten by bears!
Not really,
but it did get eaten
and I agreed to it
and now I am sick. Surprise!
But mainly I can’t decide if it’s worse that I didn’t get a weekend or a vacation
that I had been so dearly looking forward to…
or if it’s worse that I allow external circumstances to take over
because I don’t want people to think bad things about me. Familiar?
Wanting to please and fear of not pleasing
winning out over the hard-earned/hard-learned truths I’ve committed to.
I guess it’s all the worst part.
Because I am more depleted now than when I set out to vacation
and I want to be cared for
and that job is mine
and I am not good at it
yet.
Yet.
Notes.
- The above is what we call a woem. Woem!
- A woem is a poem of woe and grumbles.
- It’s something we invented at the Whine Bar in my Kitchen Table program. Full name: Crankypants McGrumbleBug’s Kvetchtastic Whine Bar!
- Its purpose is to make you feel better through writing it.
- Or at the very least to get some of the woe out of your head.
- Because when you acknowledge pain and grief, and give it room to exist and be legitimate, something moves.
- And usually you also notice something interesting too. Side effect!
- The thing I noticed was about how there aren’t any bears. Kind of like how on some level I know that there is no shoe.
- My pain and resentment was my stuff, as it pretty much always is.
- The other thing I noticed was about YET.
- I am a fan of yet.
- It takes the sting out of blame.
- It says, “Okay, so maybe I’m not there yet but I’m working on it and I’m in a process.”
- It says, “I’m here. Right now. And here is okay because there is a trajectory in play, and this is where I’m at with it.”
- Yet opens up possibility and spaciousness.
Play with me? And comment zen for the giant blanket fort.
- If you would like to write a woem (or musings about YET), go for it.
- You can share it if you like but you totally don’t have to.
- The brilliant thing about woems is that they don’t have to be written especially well, or at all. Because that’s not the point. The point is interacting with woe.
- The fountain doesn’t judge. Woes or grumbles can be tiny or large. They all count.
- A woem about toe-stubbing is just as valid as a woem about deep grief and loss.
- We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
- We take responsibility for our stuff and we make room for other people to have their stuff.
- We make this a safe and welcoming space by not telling each other what to do, how to think or how to feel.
Kiss!
Very Personal Ads #111: Into the pot it goes
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Usually it takes me a while to come up with my Very Personal Ads for the week.
This time I have so many that it might as well be a straight-out Gwish List. Gwish!
A Gwish = part-goal, part-wish — but better!
Thing 1: Hawaii?
Here’s what I want:
Remember two weeks ago at Rally (Rally!) when my project told me I had to take it to Hawaii?
So I want to find a mysterious magical way for that to happen. And I want it to be a quiet secret project.
And now that my four-day vacation to southern Oregon got completely eaten up with a work emergency, I’m really, really, really wanting a proper holiday even more.
Ways this could work:
I already have the bathing suit. What else could I possibly need? Oh, right.
Time, money and a plan. The three things that I have the most complicated stressful relationship with…
Okay. So I think I’m going to have to OOD it.
And do some serious monster-negotiating, possibly with the help of the coloring book and Slightly Future Me.
My commitment.
I’m putting it here.
Writing this, I realize that the real wish is not even so much about Hawaii-ing as it is about being able to stay receptive to the idea that this could happen.
To remember that I don’t have to figure out the how of it yet.
And to give myself permission to want the wanting.
So for now I’m putting that into the pot, and adding spices.
Thing 2: a really good strapless bra
Here’s what I want:
I may have also already purchased a dress for Hawaii. Despite having absolutely no plan about the how or why of this trip that is not yet a trip. It’s a symbol.
Also: in for a penny, etc etc.
Im kvar az kvar. Wenn schon denn schon.
The point is, I need a really good strapless bra. One that does the job and keeps me inside of my strapless dress rather than outside of it. Except that I haven’t had to deal with that kind of dress in a good fifteen years.
Do they even make something that isn’t all underwire pain and hurt-ey? Have there been drastic and fabulous breakthroughs in strapless technology that I don’t know about?
That would be nice!
Ways this could work:
Well, I’m asking here.
And I can ask at the Kitchen Table.
I don’t really have girly friends but I will put the word out just in case. Maybe one of my neighbors? Or Dana!
My commitment.
To find out. To imagine that maybe the just-right thing exists. To remember the idea of the “perfect, simple solution”, as Hiro would say.
Thing 3: The Crossing!
Here’s what I want:
My quiet and beautiful almost-ready project from the last Rally (Rally!) is ready to be seen. By a few people. Quietly.
So I want a way to whisper-brunch it into the world, in the most whispering way possible.
Without that seeming obnoxious. And without it being invisible.
Just a loving, tiny, focused “here I am” that is both present and quiet. In a simple, clean, clear way.
Ways this could work:
I’ve talked this over with slightly future me and she had some remarkably good ideas. Will keep talking.
My commitment.
To find out what I need and what my project needs.
To help it feel safe, welcome and appreciated.
Thing 4: Finding the good
Here’s what I want:
Sometimes I’m so entrenched in a situation that I can’t figure out what’s good about it, because all I can see is the hard parts.
Without in any way ignoring the hard or diminishing the legitimate feelings that I have related to being in a difficult situation, I’d like to be able to also find the good.
I know that certain aspects of this experience are really useful and important, and that’s what I want to connect with.
Ways this could work:
Let’s see. I can hold an internal council.
Or consult my Board of Surprisers from my Kitchen Table program.
Or maybe the good will just reveal itself and I will say aha there you are!
My commitment.
To remember that there is always more good than I think.
Thing 5: The Great Ducking Out!
Here’s what I want:
We’ve finally got the page up for the 2nd Annual Great Ducking Out.
This is where we yell Run Awaaaaaay!. We escape the madness that is American Thanksgiving by hanging out at the Playground and eating delicious food and being silly and destuckifying.
I want help spreading the word, and I want a bunch of lovely people to sign up and join us.
There is a Rally version which is a whole day longer than a regular Rally.
And there is an afternoon version where you join us for the day of American Thanksgiving — we do some Shiva Nata, we play and then there’s a lovely indoor picnic!
Ways this could work:
I can give you guys the link. Here it is! http://TheFluentSelf.com/ducking
Maybe people who came last year can share little stories about how great it was. That would be excellent!
Maybe people who have been to other Rallies and Playground things can spread the word. I don’t know.
My commitment.
To remember how much fun this was and how it was the best best best non-Thanksgiving ever.
Thing 4: Celebration and enthusiasm for the Shiva Nata iPhone app
Here’s what I want:
The Shiva Nata app — Pocket Shiva Nata — it’s here! Hooray!
I want more people to know about this, more loving reviews in the app store, more confetti, more general rejoicing!
Ways this could work:
Here’s the post I wrote over at the Shiva Nata blog about the app and what it’s like.
And where we talk confetti. Confetti!
My commitment.
To fill up on love. To spread love. To throw my own confetti.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted a breadbox and got some good ideas/suggestions that I am considering.
Then there was the massage treatments I wasn’t setting up. Letting the First Mate do that was brilliant. On the calendar!
Then I wanted to go on tour with Guns N Rollers to their bout in Medford, and it happened! I did a mini-warm-up for them too, and brought Play spray from the Playground, and it was super fun. And they won!
I asked for fun with Toozday’s Shiva Nata class at the Playground and it was very fun.
And I wanted Rallions for the 2012 Rallies. Which I still want. But it definitely worked because now there are Rallions for January, February, May and June! Yay.
And just in case you want the Rally dates for next year, they’re right here.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!
xox
Friday Chicken #159: Colonel Gustard in the living room!
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
So I’m in Medford, Oregon for today’s chicken. Well, for tomorrow night’s roller derby bout, but also for today’s chicken.
And this week was so outrageously impossibly full that I cannot even comprehend that today is really Friday.
As if Friday’s all excited about being here and going, hey it’s meeee!, and I’m too baffled to figure out what’s going on. Anyway. Let’s do this!
The hard stuff
The disappearing weekend.
Last weekend was completely eaten up by commitments. It just disappeared.
By AWESOME commitments that I happily chose to commit to (and I’d make the same choices again), to be clear. But still totally and thoroughly exhausting.
It made the start of the week a little sleepy, but there wasn’t time to be sleepy because I had to fit seventeen billion things in before this mini-vacation-that-is-not-actually-a-vacation.
Busy? Busy.
So unfairly ridiculously head-hurtingly busy.
I was run off my feet this week.
My friend is sad.
And I wish I could magically make things better for her but I can’t. All I can do is love her.
Scary and possibly annoying phone call of doom.
That I haven’t made yet.
And it’s super stressing me out.
Other people’s projections.
When people decide a thing about you and this thing is not true and then they put it on you.
In Hebrew you say that they clothe you with it. And that’s how it’s been feeling.
I’m much better at removing these layers of Other People’s Crap than I used to be. But you know what? I’m not really enjoying it at the moment.
Problematic interactions in a variety of forms.
Something in the air, probably. I’ll do some Shiva Nata on the patterns and see what my part is in all of this.
But in the meantime, there’s been unbelievable pressure, bizarre things that seem to be attempts at manipulation and power plays, plus lots of miscommunication and blame.
So that’s no fun. And it’s really hard for everyone involved. Not you guys, don’t worry.
I am trying to assume misunderstanding, because that’s usually what problematic interactions turn out to be.
And I’m going to find out what I can do to re-establish expectations and set firm, loving, beautiful, strong, healthy, powerful, compassionate boundaries in this situation and in any other one that comes up.
Missing my rituals.
Because of the crazed week of busy, I wasn’t at the Frolicsome Bar (what we call the Facebook-ing) or at my local (Twitter) very much.
I did lots of reading at the forum boards in my Kitchen Table program but I didn’t get to play as much as I usually do, so that was sad too.
The good stuff
The extremely amazing weekend of roller derby heaven.
The Boston Massacre bravely came out here and got crushed, as predicted in the bible as predicted in last week’s Friday Chicken. They had a good attitude about it and were generally adorable.
Our B-team (the Axles of Annihilation) played Seattle’s B-Team (Reign of Terror), and that was supposed to be a close match but it wasn’t. Final score? The Rose City took it 229-67. And yes, some of my shivanauts were skating out there and they looked dangerous. Love it!
And Sunday there was more derby and then the team I sponsor had their end-of-the-year picnic, which was very fun.
Also, they gave me the sweetest thank-you-speech about how my work with them and the warm-ups and the Shiva Nata has helped them get more coordinated, be in their bodies, feel confident and centered and kick ass.
Guess what now lives at the Playground?
A signed and framed photograph of the team. Right next to last year’s photo.
Next time you come to a Rally (Rally!), I will show you!
Recognition. Just in general
I’ve been writing about my complicated relationship with acknowledgment, and then — out of nowhere — there was this totally sweet piece of it.
Thank you.
Toozday’s Shiva Nata class at the Playground.
So hilarious. So much fun!
Ahahahaaa I’m on holiday.
Time on the road. Time with my wonderful uncle Svevo. Time eating cheese. Time singing sea shanties. Time for me.
In beautiful southern Oregon.
I’m one of 30 things. One of many, many things. And also 30 of them.
It still counts if I totally bullied him into it. The witty, charming and generally marvelous @tjbeitelman (who has also Rallied at Rally) has put me on his list of 30 things.
I like everything he writes.
I like this
Remember when I wrote about cover stories? So Megan sent me this link to this slide in Utrecht. So great!
The Great Ducking Out, take two. It’s live!
I don’t know if you guys remember this but last year I decided (thanks to the commenter mice) that I was sick of dreading American Thanksgiving and trying desperately to avoid it like I do every year.
So instead I threw a special day called The Great Ducking Out. A day of playing at the Playground and eating yummy food and being silly.
And around it I also made a special Ducking Out Rally, for spending the whole week working on creative projects or just playing.
We had thirteen lovely, lovely, lovely people at our picnic feast and it was the best thing ever. Pie!
So we’re doing it again, and the page is live and I’m almost ready to announce it. Although we already have five people coming, according to the First Mate who knows about these things.
Anyway, you can peek here and rejoice with me: http://FluentSelf.com/ducking
Guess what else? Guess what?
The Shiva Nata iPhone app is finally live! This is a giant yay!
We have been excited about this for oh god so many months and now it’s finally here. HOORAY!
It’s called Pocket Shiva Nata and it just now came out, and please please please go and leave sweet and loving reviews for us!
Celebration!
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band comes courtesy of @senseijames, who has fake-band-named many a fake-band with us.
Punk Rock Glitter
It’s a band AND a thing to throw AND a thing to do. Some times I glitter punk rock too. Though you know what’s weird about them? It’s actually just one guy.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Notes from the road.
- On Sunday, I made a Gwish (not really a goal but more than a wish) to be on the road. On a very tiny tour. And here I am. Thank you, world of moving parts that came together so I could do this.
- About five minutes away from my uncle’s land, you get hit by this wave of peacefulness.
- I used to think it was all those giant trees.
- But it’s more this: entering my uncle’s world, where everything is steadier, gentler, deeper.
- Hit by a wave of peacefulness? Not really the word because there is no force involved. You are not required to take part in the peaceful. It’s just there. Breathe it in if you like. Or not.
- I would not describe myself as a dog person. But as the car winds its way up the driveway through the trees, and Bobby and Gus make themselves known (Bobby barreling out in full force and Gus observing), I am very much a dog person.
- They used to be a bit suspicious but lately they are always excited to see me. It is a lovely thing to be the object of great rejoicing and enthusiastic welcoming.
- I like the way my uncle doesn’t turn on a light until the outside light has faded completely and we’re in darkness.
- Gus followed me into the bedroom to thump his tail several times next to the bed.
- Next thing I knew it was morning and I could see him from bed, sprawled outside on the deck, looking at me with one eye.
- There’s this awesome sign at the Playground that one of the Rallions (Carey? Probably?) made.
- It’s taped to the official boring capacity sign that lies about how many people the Playground can hold, and it says “But the MAYHEM CAPACITY is much higher!” This is a very true statement.
- In the world that my uncle inhabits, the capacity for delight, wonder, silliness, calm and spaciousness are so significantly higher than anywhere else I’ve ever been that it kind of blows me away each time I encounter it.
- I belong in this world.
- This is a very new kind of feeling for me. It is not what I know. Belonging? What does that even mean? But yes.
- My uncle and I picked blackberries and plums from the garden. He ground some teff flour. Tea was made with various forest-ey things that we found.
- It’s funny because this road trip tour thing is actually for a business purpose and a roller derby purpose, but it’s starting off so unbelievably relaxed and quiet.
- Yesterday at this time I was on a bus in Portland. There was an adorable flirtation happening between two twenty-somethings They agreed to meet up at the cafe where one of them hangs out, sometime in the unspecified future. But you could tell it would be soon.
- Then the bus driver announced that she was a minute and twenty seconds early to the stop and was going to run into the store and pick up some things.
- I stayed attuned to the bus-ness of the bus. I always talk to the bus when I’m on the bus. Secretly.
- And now I am attuned to myself so that I can attune to the tree-ness of the trees and the quietness of the quiet and the breakfast-ness of the breakfast.
- Then off to the rest of the tour. Notes for the Book of Me. Shivanauttery and roller derby and lots of happy yelling.
That’s it. Play time.
Deposit a note from your own road (or not a road) if you like.
Or maybe you have a bus story.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We make room for everyone else to have their own experience, so we don’t tell each other what to do or how to be or how to feel. Spaciousness, permission, safety, amnesty, etc.
Jessica Rabbit kisses to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.