What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
When Very Personal Ads don’t work.
This week I’m marking one hundred consecutive weeks of my practice of writing Very Personal Ads.
And I’ve been thinking about all the beautiful wishes that have been wished for, and about everything that has happened as a part of this.
We can talk about some of those incredible Very Personal Ad stories at some point. But today I wanted to talk about those times when you ask for something and you don’t get it, because this is important.
First a hug!
There is nothing more frustrating than not getting what you want.
Oh, wait. Except getting up the courage to ask for it and then still not getting it. That’s even worse.
It’s an awful feeling. Vulnerable and lost.
This is the hug for all those times you have experienced felt the pain of unfulfilled wishes.
For all the various parts of you who have craved love, support and sustenance, and didn’t receive it when they needed it most. I am so sorry.
And after the hug, let’s talk about Very Personal Ads and how the whole thing works.
What a Very Personal Ad is.
A Very Personal Ad is about discovery.
It’s how you find out what your relationship is with the thing you want. And with the wanting.
That’s because it’s a destuckification practice.
And like any destuckification practice, Very Personal Ads are about conscious, loving, mindful self-inquiry. Playful self-investigation.
You’re looking for information. You’re trying to get clarity about what it is you are really and truly asking for.
You’re looking for the qualities and essence of the thing you want. And for new ways to interact with both the object of your desire and with desire itself.
You are collecting data about how you interact with the world and about what needs to happen for you to feel comfortable and safe connecting to the essence of the thing you want.
What a Very Personal Ad isn’t.
A magic fountain you throw pennies into. Suspicious beans that one might theoretically trade a cow for.
Of course, sometimes — even fairly often — outrageously and seemingly magical things happen as a result of writing Very Personal Ads.
They happen in part as a result of the new-found clarity and sense of purpose that come from investigating your relationship with the thing you want.
The problem with treating Very Personal Ads (or any other destuckification practice) as a form of external salvation, is that then we’re relinquishing responsibility. It’s like handing over your sovereignty.
If I give the tooth fairies and the fountains power over my happiness and well-being, I’m pretty much always going to end up disappointed.
But when I stay connected to myself and to the conscious, loving, curious, investigative approach, I will always learn something useful and vital about myself and how I operate. And something about faith as well.
An example of a Very Personal Ad not working.
“I want a million dollars! I want a new job. I want the perfect girl/boyfriend. I want ten new clients.”
It might work. It might not. It’s like the fountain thing. It couldn’t hurt. Toss the penny in if you want to.
But it’s not really a Very Personal Ad because there is no curiosity, no play, no experimentation, no mindfulness, no self-inquiry.
And how you would make that Very Personal Ad start working.
Let’s take the ask for the million dollars.
And put it through the filter of the conscious, loving, curious, mindful, playful destuckification appproach:
“Okay. I’m noticing that I just named a sum which scares me. I’m noticing that I can’t even say it out loud. Oh, and also this: when I think about large sums of money, I get this tightness in my throat. Almost like I can’t breathe.
So maybe what I’m asking for is to feel comfortable having — or even wanting — larger sums of money. And to have that comfort in my body too.
I’m also noticing a lot of internal rules about how things can come to me or that I have to work insanely hard for things and even then it’s not okay to get them.
It seems like this is about safety and trust. So one of my asks is to get better at bringing safety and trust into my life in relation to money and in general. And to brainstorm ways to get more comfortable with receiving.”
That is powerful stuff. And each week you can check in to see where you’re at, you can use what you have learned to edit and alter your request
The truth about Very Personal Ads.
As long as it’s a conscious practice, it can’t not work.
You get information about who you are and how you function. You connect to the essence of the wanting. For example:
How do I bring more safety, support and sovereignty into my life?
And then you try stuff. And you keep trying stuff.
You test your hypotheses. You do a spangly revue review.
After one hundred weeks of asking for three or four things a week, and several months of doing daily Very Personal Ads in my Hello, Day ritual, I can say that they always work.
Do I always get what I want? Of course not.
But I always get useful information that can lead me to what I want. Or to understanding how I’m getting in the way of what I want, and why I might be doing that.
And the hug again.
Every once in a while someone will say to me:
“I wrote a VPA for X but I didn’t get it so I stopped writing VPAs.”
And then I give them a hug.
Because that’s the only relevant response in that moment.
The moment of pain not the time to explain why. It’s not the time to respond to the content of their experience: just to the hurt.
It’s like someone you love saying to you: “I started looking at why my relationships are so painful but it’s a mystery so now I’m not going to love anyone again.”
You can’t really convince them to not give up on love. At least not immediately. All you can do is give them love.
So I know that a lot of what I have said here might not sink in right away. And if all you want to take from this is the hug, that’s fine by me.
The answer is usually somewhere in the ask.
And that’s why we keep asking.
But the asking is never prescriptive.
It’s always about wondering, discovering, finding out and being willing to be wrong about pretty much everything.
And comment zen for today.
The usual: we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. It takes time.
We let other people have their stuff, and we don’t tell each other what to do.
What I would love today:
Stories of how Very Personal Ads (ones you shared here or made silently in head/heart) resulted in you discovering something new or interesting about yourself or the thing you were asking for.
p.s. Should go without saying but of course Shiva Nata is the great destuckifying pattern-untangler of all times. Most of my VPAs have been helped by doing some shivanautical flailing in order to get the insight needed to change the patterns.
Very Personal Ads #100: are you out there?
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
One hundred weeks in a row! I can’t believe we’ve made it this far.
Thank you to all the many, many people who have planted their gwishes here.
Thing 1: More Shiva Nata roller derby classes!
Here’s what I want:
I had such a blast doing a training and then some pre-bout warm-ups for Guns N Rollers this season. And seeing the results.
So we’ve been talking about me leading some agility, endurance and EXTREME coordination trainings (aka Shiva Nata is the bomb) for them this summer.
I’d also like to run some trainings for the all star team. And for the junior rosebuds.
See how my Giant Secret Gwish of working with the Timbers has planted unlikely seeds?
Ways this could work:
It just could.
Calendar conflicts could sort themselves out. Perfect simple solutions could emerge.
The excitement, power, enthusiasm and energy could just be there, and then things could whoosh into place instead of having to make things happen.
My commitment.
To keep flailing the flail, cheering my head off and offering support in whatever ways I can.
Also depositing here another super secret gwish: to involve some derby girls in my shivanautical dvd…
Thing 2: the just-right gym bag
Here’s what I want:
A convenient, lightweight, lovely gym bag that has a separate compartment for shoes.
And a place to put a water bottle.
Ideally something without big logos all over it.
Are you out there? I hope so.
Ways this could work:
I already asked at the local pub aka Twitter. And yeah, this looks kind of great except for the water bottle thing which is important because otherwise I forget my water bottle.
So. I’m asking you guys.
And I can also ask at the Frolicsome Bar (that’s what we call facebook to make it sound less depressing).
My commitment.
To be happy when we find each other. And to make do in a variety of creative ways until that happens.
Thing 3: movement on the Shiva Nata iPhone app
Here’s what I want:
The situation is this:
The Shiva Nata iPhone app is done but it’s caught up in one of Apple’s many departments and we can’t seem to get them to move on it.
This is getting to be completely absurd. Movement! Please!
Ways this could work:
I don’t know.
Just putting out the ask.
My commitment.
To keep dancing it up and being receptive to this working out in a variety of ways.
Thing 4: lots of walking
Here’s what I want:
I haven’t been walking nearly as much since Svevo left town.
It would be lovely to get back into the moving. See, it’s all about moving this week.
Ways this could work:
The roses could pull me in the right direction.
My commitment.
To wander and explore.
Thing 5: celebration and recognition for sticking with the Very Personal ads for one hundred weeks running
Here’s what I want:
Cheering, rejoicing, sparklepoints and exclamation points.
When I started this practice back in July 2009, I had no idea how amazing this weekly thing would end up becoming.
I had no way of imagining just how many people would end up using this space to make connections with each other, hook up in various collaborative ways and help each other out.
It’s part picnic, part book club, part support group, part ritual. And it’s beautiful.
And I have so much love for everyone who has taken part in this in any form (even if you think your wishes to yourself and don’t share them here).
So I’d like a celebration.
Ways this could work:
We could cheer and rejoice here. Or maybe you have stories of neat things that have happened thanks to the VPAs.
Or maybe people have other ideas about ways to celebrate as well.
My commitment.
To keep this up for another one hundred weeks!
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted implementation of ideas and that mostly happened.
Then I wanted to help someone out and didn’t know how. And this is an interesting one.
Let’s just say I did what I could do on that. Possibly also slightly beyond what I should have done, but I learned (re-learned?) a useful lesson about not shepherding, and letting people do what they need to do.
Next I wanted FOCUS, and while it took its sweet time getting here, when it finally showed up it was everything I’d hoped for and more.
The last piece was about un-obsessing an obsession, and — to be honest — I really didn’t think it would work. How do you un-obsess an obsession?!
But you know what? It happened. I am still actively engaged with this thing but it’s no longer taking over my consciousness. Thank you.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #148: the bass player for Salvaged Wednesday is kind of hot
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
It doesn’t really seem possible that Friday could be here. And yet here we are.
Or so it seems.
Okay!
The hard stuff
Disoriented.
Loving this shorter week we had here in the States but it seriously threw me off in so many different ways.
And somehow I ended up with a million appointments today even though I hate Friday appointments, and apparently I overbooked and cross-booked and generally flubbed it all up.
Gah. I’m exhausted just thinking about the rest of today.
Scary times.
Doing things that scare me, and it’s so unbelievably hard right now.
Trust and faith.
Rinse. Repeat.
My life is way less fun when Svevo is not around.
My uncle Svevo was with us for four days (yay!) but then he had to go home (boo!).
And when he isn’t around, I forget to do things like nap, take long walks and delight in being alive.
I mean, I don’t forget. It just becomes less of a priority. Realizing that always depresses the hell out of me.
Keeping my mouth shut.
When I don’t feel like it.
But it wouldn’t be smart to say what I’m actually thinking in this particular situation so I’m not going to say it. Might have to go yell it into a forest though.
This thing I love to do is on the wrong side of town.
So half my day gets eaten up with getting there and back.
But I can’t stopped because I am crazy-addicted. Change, etc.
Seemingly unrequited crush!
Sadmouse.
Wednesday.
Oh, Wednesday. On Wednesday I fell apart so hard it was ridiculous.
Hug to Wednesday-me. She had a really rough time of things. I was worried about her.
The good stuff
Svevo was here! Svevo was here!
For four whole days.
We went for walks, over and over again. Once we visited the same flowers four times in one day.
We drank dew from rose petals. Did you know that the drops of water on a rose taste exactly the way the rose smells? Kind of sweet and wistful and crazy.
We met up with many friends (mostly by accident).
We cooked and ate and talked. There was napping and yoga and more walking. And every minute of it was wonderful.
Normally when I have guests I need to know exactly how long they’re staying (not that I can handle guests for more than two days anyway), but with Svevo I could totally have him stick around forever. It was so wonderful.
I am Tyler Durden.
On one of these walks we randomly stumbled upon an outdoor Shiva Nata class and saw Larisa, Rhiannon and Casey, among other shivanauts! These are all people who have rallied at Rally with me and who teach Shiva Nata.
I was exclaiming over that when Lisa Bee asked if if I feel like Tyler Durden.
That is exactly how I feel.
Shivanauts everywhere! This thing that I have been growing from nothing (way back when I started teaching I was the only person teaching this outside of Andrey).
I mean, some people were teaching but just as a warm-up for yoga, not as a thing by itself.
And now. Now I can just accidentally wander into a class.
It’s so insane and so great. I love it.
Salvaged Wednesday (not a band).
Even though Wednesday seemed like a total loss, around 4pm I got my second wind, thanks to some sweet and kind help from the First Mate.
And I got a ton of work done in about an hour. It was huge and important and it really saved the day, if not the week.
The Shiva Nata training page. I did it! Unexpectedly and joyfully.
Yes! I rewrote the Shiva Nata training page and now it is so much better.
You should read it. No, really. You should read it!
I had fun rewriting it, once I got over my giant stuck around it, and am so excited for September.
Note that early registration ends June 15 which is seriously soon. FYI.
Derby!
Roller derby all weekend long.
Come on, Shivanauts!
Inspired.
Big ideas, big shivanautical epiphanies, big decisions.
Stuff is changing and I am actually kind of happy about it.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band, thanks to Dan Savage:
Its Tragic Aftermath
They’re smart, funny, and playing in town all week. Except that it’s really just one guy.
And some of what I’ve been reading/thinking about this week.
Good outpouring of anger from our Léan. Work, Parenthood and All That.
So, to summarise, if you do a job that allows breaks every day, weekends, sick pay, holiday pay – and, in fact, pay in the first place – you’re “working”. BUT if you perform exactly the same tasks, without any of the breaks or the pay and with a 24/7 on-call clause, you’re “not working”. Run that one by me again?
You should read this recipe for the literary reference. And for the beautiful description of peaches.
Heidi’s Presence potion is here. Hooray!
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Widdershins!
My uncle Svevo, who also happens to be my favorite person in the entire world, takes more joy and delight in the unexpected than anyone I know.
Whenever he visits Hoppy House, I know that he’ll bring along crumpled paper bags filled with marvelous and unlikely things.
A loaf of bread he baked on top of his pot-bellied stove. A toy chicken that lays pretend eggs. A ridiculously enormous supply of my favorite feta. Beeswax candles. Something he found in the woods that makes a good tea or an unusual snack. Like pine tips.*
* I just found this entertaining post about pine tips. See also this one for recipes.
Once — at a wedding — he gave me a toy car wrapped in old newspapers in a shoebox inside of a shoebox inside of another shoebox. The car was blue. The real present was in the trunk.
I could go on.
Widdershins! One of his favorite words.
Widdershins comes from the fantastic German word widersinnig (of course it does!), which means something like against common sense.
I think of it more as against the grain. Which is basically my uncle.
Widdershins means taking a course contrary to the apparent motion of the sun — or going in a direction opposite to the usual.
Yes. Going in a direction opposite to the usual.
It is also quite fun to say. Widdershins!
Like opposite day, only better.
When I go for a walk in the park with my uncle, he says, Let’s go Widdershins! Do you want to?
And we do. I didn’t even realize that I always walked around the park the same way, but it feels weird and awesome to go the other way. It’s brain-tingly. Same same but different.
Svevo told me that when he teaches P.E. (he’s a sometimes substitute teacher at an elementary school), the kids unconsciously run around the track or play their games exactly the same way.
He taught them Widdershins! And now whenever he teaches, they ask “ooh, can we please do it widdershins?”
It’s magic. I love it so much.
And like on Rally.
When we’re on retreat aka Rally, I am constantly reminding people about another useful phrase, this one in Hebrew:
Meshaneh makom meshaneh mazal.
It means: Change your place. Change your luck.
It means: when you change perspective, your fortune changes too.
In my experience, the people who struggle most with their projects during Rally are often the same people who don’t move around. They stay mostly in the same room, the same position, the same attitude.
When we do movement practice, they’re usually standing in the same place and getting frustrated about the same mistakes (even though mistakes are what we’re going for).
It’s not always fun to mix things up. And of course, safety first — you don’t want to ignore your comfort zone.
But if you can change your perspective? Do it. Widdershins!
And like Pineapple Upside Down days.
Pineapple Upside Down days are what I call weekends.
I’ve been deep in the practice of Not Working Weekends for several months now, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
The thing that has helped most is not thinking of them as weekends.
Now I think of Saturday and Sunday as the days when everything is unlike how it normally is.
I take down the pirate duck flag (the Jolly Selma!) and raise the flag of Upside Down.
It is imaginary. And it features a carton of take-out with the invisible slogan Thai food for breakfast!
Not that that’s what I do. It’s just the symbol of Everything Is Different Now. How is this night different from all other nights? Etc etc. Widdershins!
You learn a pattern. You take it apart.
You use the new pattern to take apart the old one. But you can’t get too attached to the new one either because the next one will be even crazier.
It teaches you ADAPTABILITY. AGILITY. FLEXIBILITY. FLOW.
The things that are most important in life and in business.
Oh, everything is like this now?! Okay. Got it. I can handle that.
That is power. Accepting the new way, and also accepting that it won’t always be the new way. Good for the body and good for the brain. Widdershins!
And like yesterday.
I was rewriting the page about the September training.
Now known as:
The Shivanautical Academy of Hilarity and Play presents the most brilliant, fun and sparkly training ever!
And it was so damn hard.
I knew what I wanted to say but not how to say it, and I kind of … stopped believing that I ever could.
So I threw ten thousand panicking temper tantrums about how impossible it was.
But then I remembered about going the opposite direction.
Once I’m going an opposite way, it almost doesn’t matter in opposite of what.
I can start at the end and reverse-engineer. Or go randomly. Or tear everything up and start over. The point is, not in the way that I would normally go.
And it worked. Widdershins! Yes, I can’t stop.
Apply to anything and stir.
So. Comment zen for today!
Here’s what I would love:
- Many happy exclamations of Widdershins!
- Ideas, examples and stories about approaching things in an unlikely way or turning something around.
- I would also appreciate some rejoicing with me over having finished the page.
That is all. As always, we all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff. We own our stuff, and we’re respectful of other people’s stuff.
Love all around. And exclamation points. Widdershins!
Looking for the signs.
I collect signs.
Not literally or anything. I just make a note when I come across a good one.
What is a good sign?
A good sign is like a thoughtful bathroom.
It’s filled with love. Written by someone with a caring heart.
A good sign is like a Very Personal Ad.
It speaks to the qualities behind the thing being asked for.
It goes to the essence of the request rather than the act of requesting.
A good sign is like a gwish.
It sends a wish into the air, without attachment to outcome.
Look at this sign!
I was at a cafe I like.
Guess what the sign on the counter said?
“Musicians! Bring in your own recorded music and get 10 free coffees. Help us stay 90% local music…”
That’s a sign that manages to be a Very Personal Ad and a loving request and a declaration of culture. Kind of like our Whee! the People!
It says this is who we are and how we like to be.
And it invites other people to join in and say YAY and be a part of this thing we’re doing, but without implying that our way is the only way or the best way.
Here’s another one I really like.
I stayed in a hotel that, like many hotels, left chocolates on the pillow.
Since I have been off sugar for eleven years now, this doesn’t usually leave an impression one way or the other.
But these chocolates came with a note. And a note is really a sign:
“May your time here be filled with sweetness and delight.”
It was a wish for me. A wish and an affirmation and a statement of what is important — to their way of thinking — about running a hotel.
That’s how signs should work.
Signs everywhere.
The most fun part about collecting signs is that you have regular reminders of how you want to live.
Sometimes when I look at a sign I just see the qualities in it and not the words.
SAFETY. REASSURANCE. ORDER.
Of course other times all I see in signs is the fear (“We don’t want to get sued!” or “We have to control everything all the time!”).
But even then underneath all that is a desire for things to be peaceful, if not really phrased in the best terms.
I collect all kinds of signs.
They help me run my business. They help me write Very Personal Ads. They help me think about how I want to present what I do, and what I want to wish for my people.
And comment zen for today!
What I would love:
Favorite signs that you have found. Or any signs you like!
Signs that you would wish for.
Signs that exist in your home, business, office, relationships etc that aren’t necessarily obviously signs.
And any other thinking out loud about why this is so important.
As always, we all have our stuff and we let other people have their stuff. We make room for each other, and we don’t tell anyone what to do.
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.