What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #145: Potter? I hardly even know her.
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This is kind of weird because I most of yesterday thinking it was Friday and feeling bad about not having chickened yet.
But no! Friday. It is now. Apparently.
Chicken? Chicken!
The hard stuff
Uncomfortable realizations.
Stupid insights! Be less accurate!
Sigh.
Working through some stuff, based on Useful Information that I didn’t necessarily want to know.
Too much work!
Sphlllthgxthphhhhpt!
Is how my brain feels at the moment.
And not in the good shivanautically-confused way. Just overdone. Which is the only kind of done that happened this week.
Seeing people I love in pain.
And having to lovingly step back and let them work through it.
Always hard.
Creepy guy who hit on me on the train.
Actually, I don’t think he was trying to be creepy.
He was maybe sixteen at most and probably has no idea what more successful and less completely inappropriate ways to approach women might be.
But still. Ew ew ew.
I tried a thing and it didn’t work.
And it was expensive, time-consuming and painful and still didn’t work. Ahahahaha.
All of which brought up some old stuff about similar experiences, so I have been deep in destuckifying mode.
The good stuff
Sun!
Walking in it and sitting in it and being in the garden.
It is glorrrrrrious!
Progress!
I had this fabulous meeting with Cairene (who, by the way, will be at Rally!) and she helped me figure out a bunch of systems stuff I’d been stuck on.
And that gave me PROJECTS and, amazingly, much progress was made in that direction this week.
My toes! They are sparkly.
This is highly unusual.
But it is so.
Excited about all the changes happening at the Playground.
And also Cairene brought us these great soaps for the Playground. A duck, a pirate flag and a sovereignty crown — basically, everything I like.
And then we have been continuing with the mini-renovations. Lots of little things.
Signage. Systems. Bits of sparkle and color.
But all together it is completely transforming the place so that it is even more magical than before. As if that could even be possible. But it is.
Rally!
It starts on Monday and I am so happy.
Rally is when I get crazy amounts of stuff done, and this is exactly what I need right now.
Are you coming to the June Rally? Or July? August? Because if so, I have lovely news!
There’s a new “farm to cone” ice cream parlor coming — it’ll open just a couple blocks away from the Playground.
It’s called Salt and Straw, and it sounds amazing. How amazing?
Seriously. Look at these ice cream flavors.
Honey Balsamic Strawberry With Cracked Black Pepper. Brown Ale With Bacon, Pear With Blue Cheese. Mimosa Sorbet.
I can’t have any but you can taste them all for me and tell me what’s good.
They’ll have a cart too and you can vote on which flavors.
Short version: Come to Rally! Rally! You know, for the ice cream.
And some of the things I’ve been reading about and thinking about this week.
- Wonderful interviews with children (who told me about this?)
- Hoping that my much-adored Mr. B. can stand his ground in the world of chap-hop.
- This interview with my friend Michelle about creating a culture of inclusivity in her yoga studio. Exactly.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band courtesy of @jptownley on Twitter:
Planet of the Snapes
Because we haven’t made enough Harry Potter references this week.
Go see them if you get a chance. And yes. It’s really just one guy.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
And then I yell SILENT RETREAT and run away!
There is this marvelous thing that lives at the Playground.
This is actually something I invented for one of the early Rallies (Rally!), and it’s become a huge part of Rally culture.
It’s the right to decide at any given moment that you don’t feel like talking. And then claiming that right.
You can do it in the middle of a conversation, alone in the bathroom, at lunch, during the Evening Chicken, while wearing a teal wig, whenever you feel like it.
You declare Silent Retreat and then you don’t have to talk!
It’s not really what it sounds like.
That is to say, it’s not actually a silent retreat.
You don’t have to be in silence or remain in silence. And you don’t have to maintain silent retreat mode for any period of time.
It’s just an easy, graceful, temporarily-socially-acceptable exit from any situation.
If someone asks you a question while you’re at the Playground, it’s completely legitimate to answer with “You know what, I’m going to silent retreat on that one.”
And then you can talk about something else. Or not talk at all.
And when people from the outside world ask you what you’re doing in Portland, or your family wants to know what you did all day, claim Silent Retreat!
Or when you get that feeling that you just don’t know what to say. Or you remember that not everything requires a response… call Silent Retreat. Silent Retreat!
It gets you out of any sticky situation.
When someone is ranting.
I’d love to talk about this some more, but I’m on silent retreat.
When people need things from you.
Actually? I’m in the middle of a silent retreat.
When you need a buffer — or a moment to yourself to process things. When you fall into Internet Hangover. When you lose your connection to yourself.
Excuse me. Silent Retreat!
Or like this:
I’m going to answer your first two questions and then I’m going to invoke Silent Retreat for the third.
It’s good for HSPs (Highly Sensitive People) and other stripes of introvert. But really — when it’s part of the agreed-upon culture, the way it is at Rally — it’s good for everyone involved.
It also solves the pre-Rally “oh god we’re going to have to go around in a circle and share things” anxiety. You won’t ever have to do that unless you want to. Silent retreating is always an option.
Silent retreating is a sovereignty practice.
It combines lots of things we talk about here: sovereignty and amnesty, freedom and spaciousness.
If someone else declares silent retreat in the middle of a conversation, it’s not because you did anything wrong. It’s because they need spaciousness and they’re making sure they get it.
It’s another opportunity to separate our stuff from their stuff.
Calling silent retreat makes a lot of space. It’s a creative form of finding a buffer. It helps us with boundaries. And just knowing it’s an option makes all communication and all interactions easier.
The truth is, people hardly ever actually declare Silent Retreat at Rally. At least, not out loud or that I know of. But we know we can!
And it makes everything easier.
The real world!
The concept of silent-retreating is one of the things people miss most when Rally is over.
That and the blanket forts and the brain-flail and the epiphanies and the pie. And Rally glow, of course. 🙂
The idea that we can just declare our choice to not talk — and do this whenever we want to — is one of the aspects of Rally that I am most determined to bring out into the broader culture.
Can you imagine? I love it so much I can hardly stand it.
Person: So what do you do for a living?
Me: Silent Retreat!My un-laws: …
Me: Uh, Silent Retreat!Person: So six of the top seven roller derby teams in the world are in your division. How is Portland ever going to make it to nationals?
Me: Silent Retreat!
And of course, STYLE!
When I declare silent retreat, I don’t just say it.
I do the Full Body silent retreat. I kind of kick up my legs and throw in some jazz hands and sing SILENT RETREAT!
And then I run away.
It’s kind of awesome.
You can do a more muted, whispered one if you like that better. There’s really no one right way to claim silent retreat. It’s all good.
Silent retreating also kind of exists here on the blog too.
Or it’s implied.
It’s why the comment zen here is always basically a version of: Play — if you want to! Or don’t! That works too.
That’s because the option of SILENT RETREAT is assumed. We don’t always want to say stuff and that’s okay. There are tens of thousands of people who read this blog who never or rarely comment here and that’s good. We adore the Beloved Lurkers.
Speaking of which…play? SILENT RETREAT!
You can play by yelling SILENT RETREAT and running away.
You can play by leaving tiny pebbles.
You can play by brainstorming ways in which we can bring the goodness of randomly claiming silent retreat into the real world the muggle world out there.
It’s all legitimate.
As always, we take responsibility for our own stuff, we let other people have their stuff, and we don’t give unsolicited advice. That is all.
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, everyone claiming SILENT RETREAT and everyone who reads.
Memento, revisited.
I loved the movie Memento, even though it was extremely not HSP-friendly.
And, interestingly, I also loved Fifty First Dates, even though “romantic comedy with Adam Sandler” does not sound like something I’d even agree to watch.
And I loved-loved-loved the short-lived and extremely brilliant television series called My Own Worst Enemy, about which I have no caveats at all. Watch it. It’s beautiful, intelligent, fascinating and completely mad.
All of these have one thing in common. Drew Barrymore! No. Kidding. Never mind. We’ll try again.
All of these have one thing in common. People who have forgotten essential things about themselves or important pieces of information.
And they don’t need to be reminded once, but over and over and over again.
Reminders and reminders.
There are so many things that I know and have forgotten. So many things that I seem to learn and re-learn a million times over.
And even without the MacGuffin of unlikely forms of amnesia or other complexity-ridden plot devices, the reminders need to be everywhere.
My favorite part in all these films/series is how the aware-self leaves messages and plants reminders for the unaware-self.
“You’ll need to hand the briefcase to the man in the cream-colored suit. Don’t talk about this to X.”
Or even: “You don’t like cranberries.”
Cryptic little messages. From me to me.
So yes. I already have the Book of Me, where I collect pieces of useful information.
And I have the Revue Anthology, where I track how things go. And the Hello, Day ritual for thinking about where I’m headed.
But sometimes I just want that quick piece of truth. That reminder from the me who knows.
So I’m leaving myself reminders. Not in the form of tattoos. And not in phone messages or video.
Just post-it notes for now. On my calendar. In my bag. Hidden at the Playground.
Like this.
Are you raging against everyone and everything in the entire world?
Hey. Are you feeling furious? Helpless?
Check the calendar. I guarantee this is hormonal. Don’t worry. It will pass, my love. None of this hate and despair is real. It just feels real.
It is temporary and it does not need to define you.
In the meantime, avoid people. Do not respond to things waiting for responses.
Create safe rooms and go hide. Go take care of yourself.
Do your clothes all look terrible on you?
See above.
Sometimes you will buy something small like socks and start feeling anxious and panicked.
This is Poverty PTSD.
It is another pattern that you aren’t done with yet. But you’re working on it.
In the meantime, know that you are safe. You have a successful business and everything is fine. It just doesn’t feel fine in your body yet.
Poverty PTSD is not you. It is only a part of you. It is not the entirety of your identity, even when it feels like it.
This is old trauma, and it’s really painful and you are allowed to grieve for as long as the grieving is needed.
You do not like having people stand behind you.
So don’t let them.
Sometimes you have nightmares.
It’s okay.
Here’s what helps. Listen to the recordings from the emergency calming techniques. Write lists. Take a bath. Write words on your body. Drink tea. Read your reminders.
Lovingly question everything.
All the stories and all the things you think you know. Be the interviewer and the negotiator.
Do Shiva Nata to untangle the old patterns and bring in the new ones.
Safety first.
Always.
You like the color brown.
You just do. Find a deep, rich brown and everything will be better.
And comment zen for today…
You are welcome to join me in leaving cryptic little notes and reminders for yourself, here in the comments or in your home or wherever feels comfortable.
As always, we tread gently because we all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff.
As part of this thing that is maintaining a curious, loving relationship with ourselves, we let other people have their own stuff and we don’t give each other unsolicited advice.
That is all. Cryptic notes! Drew Barrymore!
Ten Times Why.
Why is such a tricky question.
Maybe even the trickiest.
There are times when it is so completely not useful to ask why. The resistance-filled why, which takes me into self-interrogation and blame.
But there is also the helpful why. The one that is loving, curious and receptive, which is perfect for destuckifying.
See also: The two kinds of asking why.
Ha. I knew I’d written about this before. Found it!
The practice of ten times why.
Anyway, a few years ago I went to this unbelievably straight business seminar in Vancouver (Hotel conference room! Suits! Outsider complex!).
And someone was talking about how at Toyota (see?), there’s this thing about asking why five times.
For example, when you’re investigating something that has gone horribly wrong, or you’re evaluating a system. You keep asking why until you get at the reasons behind the reason.
I loved that. And I started using it on everything. Not just business systems, but personal stuff too.
Except that sometimes I’d forget.
It’s not that I’d forget about the practice of asking why.
It’s just that I wouldn’t feel like it. Because I’d lost track of the part about the why being a gentle, inquisitive, caring why, instead of the mean what the hell is wrong with you why are you such an asshat kind of why.
But when I remember… then it works brilliantly.
Yesterday I used this for the Shiva Nata iPhone app. I was supposed to be reviewing it to make sure there weren’t any mistakes, but I was in mad avoidance mode.
No progress. I couldn’t even start. So I started doing the Ten Times Why thing, and around the sixth or seventh why, everything started to make sense.
Like this.
Curious me: I can tell you really don’t feel like going through the app. Tell me more about why this is something you’re avoiding…
Answer: Because I can’t do it.
Curious me: Why is it that you think you can’t do it?
Answer: Because it’s too much responsibility. It’s not fair! I don’t want this much responsibility!
Curious me: So you’re feeling pressured. Tell me, why is it that you think that this is about responsibility?
Answer: Because I’m pretty much the only person who can accurately and quickly check this for mistakes and find them. And if I mess up, it’s all on me.
Curious me: Why do you think it is that this is so painful?
Answer: Because my marriage fell apart and everything I tried was useless.
Curious me: Oh. Sweetie, I’m so sorry. Do you know why it is that now is reminding you of then?
Answer: Because everyone is counting on me and I am afraid to let them down.
Curious me: And why do you think that this is what is happening?
Answer: Oh! It isn’t. I fell into an old pattern but that isn’t what this is about at all. I can go through the app now. Thank you!
I do this with everything.
Curious me: So you’re really not in the mood to go to the dentist. That makes sense. Why do you think this is bringing up so much pain for you?
Answer: Because I miss my dental hygenist in Israel.
Curious me: And why do you miss her?
Answer: She was just a regular person. There wasn’t anything official about her. And her hair was a different color each time and she kept secrets for me.
Curious me: And why do you think that this helped you feel comfortable?
Answer: Because I felt at home. It was a safe place.
Curious me: I’m wondering about why you think it might be that that safety is so important for you.
Answer: Everything comes from safety.
Curious me: Why is it, do you think, that everything comes from safety?
Answer: Safety allows you to receive.
Curious me: And why do you think that this is true?
Answer: That’s my experience. But maybe I can create safety for myself in different ways. Maybe it’s up to me to make this a safe experience. Okay! I can think about that.
And with blog posts.
Curious me: I know! Let’s ask WHY a bunch of times! Why is it good to write this post now?
Answer: Because it is in my head taking up space. And because I can’t write when more posts are building up in my head.
Curious me: Why is it good to move stuff from your head to the blog?
Answer: Because it helps people and it helps me, and it lets me download the new thing.
Curious me: Why is it good to download the new thing?
Answer: Because it will solve all the challenges I’m currently dealing with.
Curious me: Why is it good to solve all the challenges you’re currently dealing with?
Answer: Because that’s how I become the me who runs XXXXXXXXX [secret future project of hugeness that cannot be spoken of here yet]. Oh! Of course.
It’s not really about five whys or ten or a hundred.
It’s just about being the Interviewer, and asking out of love.
It’s about channeling that genuine curiosity which comes from kindness. Without an agenda and without attachment to an end result.
And then letting each why take you somewhere deeper, following intuition and letting the WHYs do the work.
Hard stuff, for sure. Definitely a fairly advanced practice, but one that can be super useful.
If you’d like to play with me here in the comments by asking why over and over again, that would be wonderful. I would love the company.
And comment zen for today…
As always, we all have our stuff. And we take responsibility for our stuff by not putting it on anyone else.
We let people have their own experience and we don’t give each other advice (unless someone specifically asks for it, of course). That’s part of making a safe space to play.
Love for all the hard!
Very Personal Ads #96: upside down and back up again
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Sunday! Personal ads!
For the 96th week in a row.
Let’s do it.
Thing 1: Figure out what might be the next steps in the soft.
Here’s what I want:
Last week I wanted to be able to make some video of my (highly entertaining!) Shiva Nata classes.
And it happened — astonishingly! — despite my massive stuck related to this particular form of being seen.
And now it’s just a matter of pressing the Pooblish button in a variety of places. But I haven’t. Because apparently I’m not done with this round of destuckifying.
Since everything is all set up and ready to go in the hard, it’s clear that I need to do some more work in the soft.
Ways this could work:
I can nap on it, meditate on it, dance on it and flail on it.
I can write love letters.
And use more Shiva Nata to get whatever the next insights and understandings are that will help me move forward.
Oh, and I can talk to the Interviewer or bring in a negotiator too.
My commitment.
To ask curious, loving questions.
To agree to not push.
To find out what I need, how I feel and what would help make this whole process easier.
Thing 2: Speaking of ease…
Here’s what I want:
I am seeing the dentist tomorrow, and I would like the entire experience to be as ease-filled as possible.
So I’m asking for grace, strength and a sweet, calm, sovereign something-or-other to get me through it peacefully.
Ways this could work:
Trust.
Wearing my sovereignty boots, of course. It helped last time!
I can take time before the appointment to write up a gwish-list.
And I can check in with the Book of Me and the Revue Anthology for reminders about other things that help and about how great my dentist is.
My commitment.
To breathe.
To adapt the Hello, Day questions for this particular appointment. To use the magic of metaphor. To hand out sparklepoints right and left. To myself, yes.
Thing 3: Lip balm!
Here’s what I want:
Specifically, remembering it.
I have little pots of lip goo everywhere, but I can’t seem to remember to use them until my lips are falling off.
And then as soon as they start healing up, I forget again.
So I’d like reminders. Or a routine. Or a ritual. Or some combination of all of the above.
Ways this could work:
I could ask Slightly Future Me who has already resolved this issue. Maybe she has advice.
And I can remove everything but lip stuff from my coat pockets, so that my hands will do the remembering for me.
My commitment.
To find out what needs to happen for me to have a more conscious, loving and harmonious relationship with my body.
To be receptive to doing (and perceiving) things differently as a part of that.
Thing 4: Rally prep.
Here’s what I want:
Ohmygod! Rally (Rally!)
I am crazy excited about the upcoming Rally, which is Rally #9 and which is going to be absolutely marvelous.
And there’s still lots to do to prepare.
Including some downtime for me, please. Or upside-down time, as I call it. Because I’d really like to be extra-rested before we swing into rallying mode.
Ways this could work:
I have not the slightest idea.
My commitment.
To play, play, play and find out what is needed.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Let’s see. I wanted a chalkboard, and lots of people suggested chalkboard paint, which is a super interesting idea. It won’t work for my purposes because the wall in question is a bumpy stucco-ey one — I appreciate all the creative excitement though!
My gentleman friend ended up tracking down just the right size of chalkboard, so that’s all taken care of.
I was working on a painful business-related pattern, and got some good thinking and processing done this week. It’s certainly not resolved but the shivanautical insights are helping lots.
Then I was doing some forgiveness work and I’m still doing it.
And I wanted enough confidence to be able to do a Shiva Nata video. And it totally worked because that class was so much fun, and I didn’t even notice the camera. Also, pink power wig! Yay.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.