What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #119: they taste like regular force fields though
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Home! Soon! Leaving Asheville for Portland.
I cannot wait.
In the meantime, it is definitely time to do some chickening.
Because that was one hell of a week. Full of challenging hard and beautiful redemptive good. And I am so ready to close the door on this one.
The hard stuff
Recovery from illness.
So a week ago, as that week’s chicken came into being, I typed all sorts of very hopeful things about being on the mend. That did not happen.
At least not right away.
Friday and Saturday was still much queasy and headache-ey and not good.
Not until Sunday afternoon did I really start returning to myself.
And even then I was slow little miss mouse all week. Low appetite, easily tired, much needing of the bed.
Further frustrations due to being in recovery.
Usually when I’m not teaching, there is a bit of necessary down time but Selma and I also like to hang out with people at meals.
To be silly and learn about what they’re working on and play play play.
This was not happening because invariably the thought of being around food made me shaky. Or bed took precedence over everything else. Bed!
Oh. After so many months of excitement of leading the Week of Biggification. I mean, we started planning this last January!
And then to be there and not be able to really truly be there in the way that I wanted to. Very challenging.
Everything out of routine.
Still missing all the things that I normally do that keep me sane (tramping and daily bath and long walks and morning yoga).
Computer issues.
It turns out that it will cost so much to fix Mack the Wife (Mack the Wife-Book-Air) that I might as well just get a new laptop.
I do not want.
Blah. Decisions.
Argh time change.
Really, I do not understand the general excitement over an additional hour of sleep. That never happens to me.
Here’s what does happen:
Normally my body wakes me up at between five and six. This is a good thing. It gives us time to do what needs to be done before the day begins.
When the clocks change though, my body tells me to get up at four instead. There is no going back to sleep.
And then I’m up. And it’s four in the morning. This is the hour of not having fun.
Also it is the hour when the hotel vacuums all the rooms that one might sit in while one is very much not asleep.
Day 4 Syndrome.
Even though it happens every single time.
And even though I told them it would. And even though Day 4 syndrome is a normal, natural part of going through a serious process of working on your stuff and transforming it.
Still.
Seeing people you love hitting all their walls and being in the pain … so hard.
You wish you could wave the magic wand and make it better. And you can. But they still have to do the work because they are capable, autonomous, sovereign beings and that’s what they came to do.
And you have to be patient and let them do it. With love.
The good stuff
Day 5! Sweet, sweet, sweet Day 5!
Oh, the joyfulness. That beautiful moment of pivot.
When pop pop pop like popcorn they make it through the hard, and the breakthroughs and the realizations start fast and furious.
And we can begin to really have fun.
After all the setting-it-up and all the wax on wax off with the skills they need to know to be able to do the work.
This was the day when they got it. And they were able to use what we had been practicing. Which meant?
We could finally just PLAY.
Penguins on speed! Drunken fairies! Menacing trees! I speak topiary!
The air changed too. The room became light, loose, playful. Full of joy and laughter and silliness. Freedom and spaciousness and love. Even when you know it’s coming, it just feels so good.
The Week of Biggification.
The amazing people.
The hilarity and goofball brilliance. The genius business ideas we launched in the bar.
I’d describe it but I can’t. So will just say that it was an absolutely incredible experience and I feel so fortunate to have been able to facilitate and be part of the making it happen.
Done.
Yay.
Not being sick anymore?
Yes, please.
After all that feeling like crap, it was a truly wonderful thing to be able to walk around and eat and put my attention to things other than “teaching without passing out”.
A beautiful thing, for which I am grateful and appreciative.
Day off.
Spa. Water. Sleep. Repeat.
Heaven.
Changing.
Because I couldn’t teach the way I normally do…
And because I couldn’t invent and be creative due to my brain being mush…
I had to adapt. And while it totally sucked while I was in it, my teaching will be so much better now that I’ve been through the hard of this week.
Not reacting.
To so many things.
But a really great example:
The hotel wanting to charge the hilarious price of $250 for our use of their flip chart. Or the Chip Flart, as I call it.
Normally I’d go into my default patterns of aaaaaaah encroachment and gah they’re trying to push me around, and anger-fear-disappointment-upset-ness.
This time I just smiled and said no, that’s not going to happen. And directed them to talk to my programs coordinator who had the email with the price we had originally agreed to.
There are seventeen hundred other examples but that gives you the sense of it. Though I cannot actually find words to describe how new and exciting this is for me.
A week of mastering detachment in situations where I cannot normally practice it.
That was good.
Roller Derby! Nationals!
A couple of stupid things happened. Like Rose City not being there. Like the BAD girls (Bay Area Derby) losing in the first bout to the Texecutioners. Come on!
But lots of great things happened. Like Texas getting destroyed by Gotham. And then west coast domination, as predicted in the bible by everyone who was at regionals.
There was some beautiful skating. Some great moments. And I didn’t mind not being there, since Chicago in November is cold. Hooray for streaming broadcast.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band:
Strawbery Force Fields Forever
Formerly known as Rhubarb Rhubarb and the Rhubarbs.
Which is weird, because it’s just one guy.
And some of the lovely presents that arrived this week.
Actually I can’t tell you what arrived at the Playground because I’m still in Asheville.
But we still got lovely presents.
Including a sock monkey! And a monster pop-up book!
And a Schmurphy.
Oh, and watching my people have outrageously great breakthroughs and mind-melting epiphanies and extreme moments of bing. That was awesome.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
Very Personal Ads #71: my brain I do not know where it is either
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Here’s the thing. I’ve been unwell for four days.
It’s the stupid time change, which means insomnia for me.
And I have a splitting headache.
So the VPA-ing it is especially hard today, because my brain is not generating ideas for what is possible.
Oh well.
So I’m just going to plant the asks and trust that there is a large variety of possible ways that these things could work out.
Thing 1: Oh, rhythm, routine, ritual, stuff like that.
Here’s what I want:
Between being sick and weak and cranky for four days, and being on the road …
All my normal routine is shot to hell.
And right now I can’t manage any of the usual things that make my life good.
Like my morning bath, because this hotel room doesn’t have a bathtub. Two televisions and eleven chairs, but no bath.
Or tramping on the trampoline (even though one of the incredibly awesome participants in my Week of Biggification program actually brought hers for me to use). Because I still feel weak and dizzy.
Or doing my morning and evening wishing/writing/journaling, because ow headache.
So. I don’t know yet exactly what this ask is about.
New routines for this week. Bits and pieces of the old ones. Something like that.
Ways this could work:
My brain is toast.
I do not know.
I do not want suggestions.
Just want something to come to me.
My commitment.
To find moments that are pleasurable.
Sitting by the window.
Realizing how refreshing apple juice is when you don’t feel well.
Sloooooooooow old Turkish lady yoga.
And to do more of them. And to turn them into rituals that will sustain me this week.
I’ll either get back to what was good before, or this will be the new good, or something else will happen.
Thing 2: The non-exam.
Here’s what I want:
I’ve been wanting to come up with that thing that is not actually a test.
But a collection of concepts and stuff I teach.
So that I can take this material deeper, which is what I keep trying to do. But it’s hard when you need everyone to be on board with the basics.
Ways this could work:
Maybe I’ll get Shiva Nata to break everything down into themes and then teach a course.
My commitment.
To take notes.
To be playful.
To remember that there is time.
Thing 3: Oh, right. Time.
Here’s what I want:
Time! I would like some.
To do some writing. Or some sleeping. Or some typing of things that need to be typed.
Ways this could work:
Look for the holes.
Look for the gaps.
My commitment.
I will pay attention.
Thing 4: Trust and faith.
Here’s what I want:
To remember what beautiful things people are capable of.
And give them space to remind me.
Ways this could work:
Patience. Patience. Patience.
My commitment.
To wait and see.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I put out the word for people for Lindsay’s program in Scotland. I’ll have to check in with her to find out what’s what.
The orange sweater. Nothing. Darcy sweetly offered to fix it for me (yay Darcy!) except my sweater is gigantic, so bringing it to North Carolina would have constituted my entire luggage.
Lots of kind suggestions of places to take it to be fixed helped me to realize that I hadn’t correctly stated my ask. My ask wasn’t really for the sweater to be fixed but for an easy-yet-unconventional way for it to be fixed.
Because I already knew where to take it to be fixed. Yarn shops in Portland are like nail salons in San Francisco. You kind of have to go out of your way to em>not run into one.
Really what I had been hoping for was this: that some neat connection would arise or I’d get to meet one of my people. But the ask did lead me to the discovery that a friend of a friend has a shop in town. So that’s cool.
Ease with travel. And Selma and I had BY FAR the easiest travel we have ever had. EVER! It was nothing short of miraculous. Just smoothness and smoothness and more smoothness.
Bloggery magic and elegance in problem-solving. Didn’t even slightly happen. I’m sure something else did instead, but my head is still not functioning so maybe that will show up later.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given advices.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad for everyone doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #118: not all sparkly hedgehogs are vampire hedgehogs
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I’m in North Carolina, teaching the Week of Biggification (password = pickles) that I have been working on setting up since last January.
So I was still planning on posting here this week, but then my laptop (Mack the Wife) had to go to the hospital.
And then a bunch of other …. complicated and challenging things happened.
See under: this week’s hard.
Shall we?
The hard stuff
Sick. Worst timing ever.
We flew into Asheville from Portland two days in advance, so Selma and I could get settled and adjust to the time zone.
And we did get settled. And it was lovely.
Until the day we were supposed to start. I got food poisoning and spent the entire day vomiting my brains out.
And then had to revise my entire lesson plan to involve things that don’t require movement or thought.
Nice.
Trying to do things when you can’t stop throwing up. It’s insanely hard.
So all the prep work, getting the room ready, everything that was supposed to happen didn’t.
And I nearly passed out in the cab on the way there. That was fun.
Thursday I was still pretty wiped out, and Friday looks to be slightly better. I hope. But ugh.
Dinner.
The place we’re staying has outrageously great food.
We had this fabulous meal put together for the first night. And people were moaning with delight, and I could only drink hot water with lemon and sigh.
And then I tasted one little thing, which, though delicious, also turned out to be … a mistake. Oh the unfairness.
No computer = a disastrous way to run a company.
Fortunately the First Mate managed to take care of most things.
But I couldn’t respond to anything. Or write posts. Or type up a variety of things I’d planned on typing up. Frustrated mouse!
I missed you guys.
Not getting to watch the last game of the World Series.
Well, we got the first six innings. Listened to them. In the Atlanta airport.
On my gentleman friend’s iPhone (thank you, magic MLB app) and sharing headphones.
Because the ridiculous Atlanta airport thinks a random football game is more important than the World Freaking Series.
And then halfway through the sixth we had to get on a plane.
Agony.
The good stuff
I’m here.
And while I had to interrupt my day of throwing up all over the place to teach a two hour orientation, we still had fun.
And it still worked.
And I didn’t projectile vomit on anyone. Whooo! Ten thousand sparklepoints for me.
It’s really good to be here.
The people are amazing. No big surprise there.
We are having fun and singing pirate songs and doing old Turkish lady yoga and being smart.
It is awesome. And it’s about to get way better. Because I can totally stand up now.
Hearing people speculate on what we might be doing. Is hilarious.
An actual conversation I overheard:
Guy at the bar: “What’s this group meeting over there … The Fluent Self?”
Bartender: “Oh, they’re like … writers and creative people and they do things with creativity or something.”
Guy at the bar: “Is that a trampoline outside their door?”
Bartender: “They have all kinds of knickknacks, those creative people.”
Yes. Yes, we do.
And no, no we aren’t.
Never mind.
You should have seen us blowing bubbles and waving magic wands. Or flailing the dance of flail.
You should see where we’re staying.
Yes, yes, the mountains and the sky and the trees and the glorious gorgeous fall.
But really, I mean this crazy room they put us in.
It has eight more chairs than we have in our entire house. And a wrap-around balcony.
Conflict resolution.
The thing that has not been resolved appears to be resolving itself.
This is very good news.
Giants take the World Series!
The joyousness! The rejoicings! The games!
Exclamation points.
And as much as I tried to whisper to myself it’s just a game it’s just a game, it was so not just a game.
It was awesome. It was a shock. And it was also a tiny little triumph over Justin Bieber, and both Georges Bush.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
I’m loving the band this week.
Vampire Hedgehogs
Seriously? It’s just one guy.
And some of the lovely presents that arrived this week.
Oh, and sadly I don’t have pictures yet!
There’s a pirate duck amigurumi thing from Tara the Blonde Chicken.
And a delightfully creepy zombie spa duck with cucumber eyes from the hotel!
And Shiva Nata cards from Frank.
Also I have a truly bizarre red wig. Huh. I guess it has been a good week.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
Very Personal Ads #70: because it’s the future!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let us dooo eeeet.
Thing 1: Darlings. Who do you know in Scotland? Near Edinburgh?
Here’s what I want:
Lindsay (that’s @gurubody on Twitter — she’s a client and colleague and person I hugely admire) is an AMAZING teacher.
She’ll be visiting from Spain and doing a program in Edinburgh on Sunday 28 November from 10 until 5.
Highly recommended. Especially for Shivanauts but really for everyone. Can you help me pass this on?
I would love for her to find her right people for this.
Ways this could work:
I can tell you guys.
And remind people.
And hope for the best and plant wishes and say yay.
My commitment.
To support things I care about.
Thing 2: Oh my poor sweater!
Here’s what I want:
My absolute favorite sweater (It’s orange! It’s from Berlin!) has a hole in the shoulder.
Sadface mouse!
I want it healed please! But I do not do knitting and stitching and such, and all the awesome crafty and fix-capable people I know live far away.
Ways this could work:
Maybe you know this person in Portland (the Younger) with the magic knitting needles who can make my sweater happy again!
Maybe you are this person!
(I should also mention here what I don’t want, which is kind, sweet-hearted offers to teach me to do this.
If there were fifty hours in a day, I’d take you up on it. Right now my time goes to running a company, writing and destuckifying, and that’s where I’m at. Thanks!)
My commitment.
To ask around hopefully.
To trust that the person will show up if I keep looking for her (or him).
And I will totally give you a tour of the Playground or buy you a coffee or something if this is you.
Thing 3: Ease with travel, please.
Here’s what I want:
For everything about the trip to Asheville (where Selma and I are teaching the Week of Biggification to happen with grace and smoothness and general fabulousness.
Ways this could work:
It just could.
I could surprise myself.
My commitment.
I will wear my invisible crown and my extremely visible red sovereignty boots. And be sparkly.
And breathe and breathe and breathe and breathe.
And use my emergency calming techniques and stretch and write and read books on the phone (because it’s the future!)
Thing 4: Bloggery magic, preferably in pill form.
Here’s what I want:
So of course I have not written posts for the eight days I’ll be teaching and the other five days I’m on the road.
All together now: hahahahahahahahahaha.
What could happen so that there are good things here and I don’t go crazy?
Ways this could work:
Okay. I can post some of the stuff I’ll be journaling while I’m there.
Maybe I will have a Brilliant Idea while on the plane? Stranger things have happened.
My commitment.
To be receptive to the perfect, simple solution.
To allow for elegance in problem-solving.
To Shiva Nata it up and let the epiphanies tell me what to do.
To wait and see.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Let’s see. I wanted sequencing and timing support with my insanely insane week of insanity.
And things did kind of just work, though I have no idea how.
I also asked for help figuring out a non-sugared thing to give out on Halloween. And thanks to genius suggestions from the commenter mice, we are going with bubbles. Bubbles!
Then there was a thing about this conflict in my workspace. And while it isn’t resolved, I’m no longer feeling anxious about it. So yay. Unexpected result!
The last ask was about Hiro’s new class, and from what I hear there’s been great response. Well done, week of insanity. Sparklepoints!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given advices.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! So glad for everyone doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #117: nine to zero!
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
All I can say about this week is this:
Yeesh.
Though really?
That’s not so much an expression of disgruntlement as the sound my head makes as it whips around to see where the week went.
I would like to add:
How is it possibly October 29th? Seriously? Where did this sneaky little bastard of a month go?
The hard stuff
It all happened so fast that I’m not even sure what happened.
Remember on Sunday when I said my schedule for this week would make you cry?
Well, I didn’t cry. But the First Mate just kept spinning me around and sending me on my way to the next appointment.
It was a madhouse. But so much of a madhouse that everything happened kind of ridiculously efficiently, because it had to.
Anyway, I have a headache from the blur.
Way too much to do.
This is not good for me.
Is that conflict still unresolved?
Why yes, it is.
But at least that other huge thing got taken care of, right?
No. No. No. Still trying to fix that massive hole as well.
I can’t wait to find out what useful thing or brilliant business system is going to result from this spectacular example of ohmygod this is not working at all.
Disorderliness!
And not the good kind of shivanautical chaos but just confusion and not being able to find stuff.
The good stuff
The hidden surprises in the disorder.
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.”
–A. A. Milne
Also, in the quotes that make me happy category, I re-stumbled on this letter that Hiro wrote me over a year ago:
Sweet pea, vacation is a Necessary Business Expense. Think of it as maintenance, like changing the oil in your car. The Creativity and Visionary Directors of The Fluent Self must commune with their muses, because that’s the bedrock of the business.
Somehow, despite all the chaos.
Stuff got done.
I taught my classes, wrote my writings, projectized on my projects, launched what needed launching, did magic with my clients, and it all happened.
And I even got a haircut. Go me.
Sparklepoints.
Yum.
Just when I thought my gentleman friend’s terrific sourdough bread (with the Hoppy House starter) could not get any better ….
He turned some kind of impossible baker’s corner, and it is now intense and drool-worthy and changing my life.
The whole house smells like love.
I found a pair of pants.
They fit.
This is a big deal.
NINE TO NOTHING!
As much as I make fun of the cough terribly named so-called World Series …
I love the Giants. I have been loving them for the past five years (with all the pain and torture that this love entails) and this has been incredibly exciting.
There is nothing I can say here to express my extreme joy and most of what I would say isn’t very nice anyway.
So I’ll just say nine to nothing nine to nothing nine to nothing. And yes, THIS:
“Side bet: if the Giants win, Texas has to legalize gay marriage.”
Posts I loved so much this week..
Amy (that’s @barefootphoenix) wrote this inspiring piece about why she loves Rally (Rally!).
I love everything that Maryann writes about (she’s @maryanndevine).
And oh boy! It’s blog twister! Kelly (@copylicious) is brilliant and insane and I love her. After you read her post, go play the game!
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week?
Day 4 Syndrome
It’s like they’re everywhere. Except it’s actually just one guy.
And some of the presents that arrived this week.
Jana from Hamburg sent a bottle of Anti-Monster spray.
Vielen vielen Dank!
And J.J. sent a tail. Yes.
A tail! That you can wear. I’d put up a picture but I haven’t figured out how to photograph my ass.
And really, maybe not the most appropriate thing for the blog. Next time? Smoking hot pics unless I lose my phone again.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. Two spots for the weekend of Shiva Nata teacher training and general hilarity in February. Yes?