What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #113: the Schmoppet visits the Frolicsome Bar.
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Well, well. Friday.
You look different somehow. New haircut? Hard to say.
But yes. It’s Friday. So let’s chicken.
The hard stuff
So tired of wearing ear plugs.
The screaming baby next door has now turned into the screaming baby next door being “comforted” by recordings of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at top volume.
I am going out of my mind.
So now I leave for the Playground at seven in the morning. But there’s construction there so basically it all sucks for Highly Sensitive Person Me.
Also, ear plugs don’t really work. They sort of work. But I can still hear that itsy bitsy spider navigating the stupid spout, over the shrieking and the barking and the leaf blower.
Oh, and it’s too hot to close the windows.
While I’m complaining. Let’s talk about the heat.
I moved to Portland because I look good in layers. Add a little fog and a light drizzle and I’m in my element.
At home among the translucent freckled people who inhabit this delightfully grey part of the world.
Fine, so it’s sunny in the spring. And the summer. But it’s OCTOBER already.
I want fall and I want it now and I do not want to have to keep un-retiring my flip-flops and the fan.
First person who says “don’t complain” or “oh but you’ll miss the sun in December” gets glared at.
Our poor sad tree.
The gorgeous Hoppy House maple is feeling sickly and has giant disgusting fungal stuff.
It is — knock on tree — going to survive but we have been very worried. Also, after a two week series of unexpected expenses that would not end, another $800 for tree care is a little unsettling.
But honestly? I adore that tree so much that it hurts.
Voice.
First I read two posts that sounded like me to the point of parody.
Usually I don’t pay much attention to all the “imitation as flattery” stuff that swirls around the internet, because that’s kind of part of this weird thing that is online celebrity.
But actually it’s pretty disconcerting to realize that you are parody-able.
Then I read something else lifted verbatim from a class I taught. And I have no idea what to do with that.
Discomfort. Doubt. Not knowing what to say or do.
And then feeling self-conscious, which makes it really hard to write. So I’ve been avoiding reading even more than usual.
The good stuff
Day off!
Day off! Day off!
Oh, that is a good thing. It is such a good thing.
We went to Hood River and I got to do lots of nothing. Like rolling down a hill and cloud-watching.
And buying presents for the Playground at a shop whose tagline is “good books and bad art”. Nice.
Already planning the next one.
The most fabulous people coming to the Rally.
Oh, as if I weren’t already excited enough.
Some seriously wonderful people on their way to Rally (Rally!) and I can’t wait.
Closing doors.
I taught a class where we went through a process of symbolically closing doors.
And I have been closing so many doors in the past week, both in my business and in my home.
Finally finally updated the events page.
Set up three new forum boards at the Kitchen Table.
Moving stuff out. Moving stuff in. This feels good.
Bing!
The epiphanies. Are being had.
Yay Shiva Nata. Yay napping. Yay journaling. Yay bathtime.
I had so many outrageous ideas this week that my arms hurt from scribbling.
Huh. Turns out this business-on-Facebook thing is kind of fun. .
The fabulous Secret Bar is now officially the Frolicsome Bar (FB) — thanks Liz!
And while I am still feeling slow and confused … it’s a pretty neat thing.
More to come. And I shall put up Schmoppet videos there too. Oh yes.
The page, if you wish to play: http://www.facebook.com/TheFluentSelf
Eating in the sukkah.
Love.
Play!
So I have been writing all week about playing. And this has been making me play more. Tearing it up!
And having all sorts of shivanautical insights about what playing means and why it’s important.
And then Kel sent me this link about a company in Pittsburgh that has a pirate ship and whose motto is this:
“The best work comes out of the spirit of play.” — George Davison
Yes.
This was a really nice thing to receive.
Reprinted from the sweet-letters file, with permission:
“I just really want to tell you that reading your blog feels like having a huge weight lifted off of you that had been there so long you forgot it was there, while simultaneously having someone gently wrap a soft fuzzy blanket around your shoulders at the exact moment you realize you are chilly. Lean into it and sigh, and face the day from a better place.
“Hugs to you and Selma. And thank you. You know, for being you and for writing this blog.”
Oh! Thank you.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is known for their unlikely sound. And the way something always happens right after the opening act that has nothing to do with the show.
Implausible McGuffin.
Gotta love them. But of course it’s just one guy.
Some of the fun presents that arrived this week.
The Schmoppet! From Amy.
He is a puppet. An extremely opinionated, crazed extrovert puppet with a limited vocabulary. Who plays air guitar. I ADORE him.
Then Char sent an unbelievably soft blanket that the Schmoppet has taken for himself. It’s a muppet pelt or something. It is divine.
And there was something else (not a cucumber) that wowed me but now I can’t remember what it was. Next time.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom
Playing.
Not a big secret that this is something I care about. I write kind of a lot about play and playing. See: yesterday and … pretty much everything else.
Also, I have a Playground, a dedicated space for extreme goofballery.
And tomorrow we begin the fourth quarter at the Kitchen Table, and guess what the theme is? PLAY. Fabulous.
But I haven’t really explained why play is so important. And I can’t.
Not yet. Not like this.
I’m going to need the Schmoppet. And possibly some monsters. And a feather boa. And a duck. Wait, I already have the duck.
But in the meantime, while I hunt around for the damn video camera … I will say this:
Play is the missing ingredient. The secret sauce. That thing that makes everything else easier.
Add play and stir.
Play is vital because otherwise all this self-work self-help working on your crap blah process gunk is exhausting and not fun.
Play takes the piss out of the self-seriousness.
Play gives you permission to not have to get everything right. To experiment and be curious and declare amnesty and to hide in blanket forts. Like at the Rally. (Rally!)
Play makes scary things accessible. And possible.
This is what play does.
It makes deconstructing your patterns less heavy. It dissolves should.
Big (and sometimes intimidating) words get smaller. And sillier.
Big words that I don’t generally use here. Like Forgiveness, Clarity, Faith, Gratitude, Prosperity, Sovereignty.
Okay, I do say sovereignty a lot, but only when I’m wearing my extremely hot sovereignty boots.
The point is: play makes everything feel less … hopeless.
- Play makes forgiveness lighter.
- It makes clarity not so blindingly bright.
- It gives levity to faith.
- It turns gratitude into a game (that you only play when you feel like it)
- It takes prosperity and makes it lighthearted and exploratory and fun.
- It turns sovereignty practice into a ridiculous improv class with people you adore.
It infuses rituals with hilarity. And it gives you permission to get messy.
Play is permission.
If I am playing with destuckification and rewriting my patterns, I don’t have to worry about how or when or why things are shifting. Or if I’m doing it right.
I can’t explain it better than that. This is the part again about how epiphanies are stupid because you can’t put them into words.
But I know this in my body. I know it. I know this in a “this is why the buddha laughed” sort of way.
I have been taking life too seriously.
And not taking play seriously enough.
Selma and I will be back with a Schmoppet. Maybe tomorrow. And it still won’t make sense. But at least we’ll be playing.
Five is for the five year plan!*
I am not a planning sort of person.
But when I first started my company, I read seven hundred and fifty million websites about writing business plans. And at least ten library books and back issues of a bunch of online noozletters.
The majority of these expressed the opinion that not having a plan is incredibly stupid.
Some were less obnoxious about it than others, but basically they said it’s foolhardy and wasteful to not plan, so hurry up and get to it.
That if you want to get somewhere, you can’t just wander around aimlessly because guess what, that won’t get you there.
Fine. Whatever. So I wrote a plan.
I wanted a plan mainly because I was applying for a grant. And I was applying for a grant because I had no money and no idea what I was doing. Which is hard when you’re also on a mission to make important things happen.
The plan-writing was very stressful and time-consuming. Also completely depressing.
And I didn’t know about not sharing information about your tiny sweet thing with people who don’t have context, so I showed it to [X] and asked him for advice.
“Really? Your mission is to help thousands of people around the world with this? Thousands? Around the world? That’s great, honey, but maybe you want to start with something a little more realistic.”
Anyway. I didn’t apply for the grant. I threw away the plan. Five years passed. The plan was forgotten.
And then. Last week I remembered the plan.
Hey, it’s been nearly five years. Or it will be soon.
And you know what?
I do help thousands of people around the world. Every day. With this blog and with our products and programs. Huh. Whaddya know.
But not just that.
The astronomical-seeming (to me, at the time) figures that I projected the business would be bringing in?
They made me want to throw up, but I put them in anyway because I wanted it to seem like this terrifying experiment could — theoretically — be crazy successful.
So. We’re doing way better than that, as it turns out.
In fact, we’re doing better than all the projections. Than anything I could have projected.
Of course, I did it the hard way and worked myself to the bone for most of those years.
And I was wrong about all sorts of other things too.
But really, just about everything I wrote down came true. The how wasn’t anything like what I was trying to imagine it, but if you look at the end result, all the projections were on target.
So. Where am I going with this?
Two places.
1. Not having a plan is not a big deal.
So I don’t do plans. And that’s okay.
Sure, I do maps. Loose ones. And wish-pondering. And Very Personal Ads. I think about what I want and why I want it and what my relationship is with the wanting.
I work on my stuff. I figure out what needs destuckifying and what I’m afraid of and what my monsters have to say about it.
And then I use Shiva Nata to be smarter than everyone else give me hot buttered epiphanies so I can innovate and keep things sparkly.
But mostly I observe where I’m where I’m going and check in to find out if this seems like a good thing.
Pirate queens don’t have firm objectives. I don’t try to always steer the ship in one particular direction. I am open to stopping at unexpected and unlikely ports. And to hiding out on islands.
2. It’s a Useful Exercise to write down what you want. Maybe … in a plan.
Even though I still don’t really like plans, I’m writing a five year plan right now.
Just to mess with me-from-five-years-from-now.
(Though I may ask Metaphor Mouse to help me give it a better name.)
And I’m putting some completely outrageous things in there.
Oh, the projections I’m projecting. They’re preposterous! Really, the things I’m planning for are ludicrous to the point of hilarity.
But I don’t care. Because I did it before and surprised myself. So what the hell. Why not.
Here’s a super important thing to keep in mind.
Success happens exponentially.
But our brains often can’t conceptualize exponential growth. At least, mine can’t. Not easily.
When everything goes well, it doesn’t go from two to four to six to eight.
It’s more like going from two to four to a hundred.
It feels weird to project that kind of growth because it doesn’t seem right. It can’t be real. There’s no rationale.
Sure you could go from three fans to six fans if they each tell someone about you. But hundreds? Thousands? Why would that happen?
So even though I know from experience that growth can happen exponentially, it’s still easier to imagine things happening sequentially.
So we’re limited in our perception of what’s actually possible.
And that’s okay.
I don’t think it matters. Because it’s about play.
If projections scare you and set off your monsters, don’t do them.
If projections are exciting and send you off into worlds of possibility, yay.
If it’s fun to chart out plans and how things could work one way or another, go for it.
If planning stresses you out, and you’d rather just plant small wishes on the Sunday Very Personal Ads, that’s good too.
The main thing is this:
Is biggification turning into a dreaded, stressful, painful thing? Oh no! That sucks.
That’s why we want to work on our stuff, and wear feather boas and talk to walls and have foxes design our video games.
Because your thing (your art, your music, your blog, your teaching, your business) exists to be a source of good.
And when we’re miserable — because the experts say we need a plan or because we believe the people who can’t see possibility — that makes everything so much harder.
And I will say one more thing about play.
Play is NOT childish. Wanting to play is NOT childish. Play is the stuff of life and the essence of biggification.
We can play with writing a plan or we can play with not writing a plan. Or we can finger-paint a plan with chocolate pudding. Or we can do Ironic Aerobics while wearing a tiara.
But let’s play. Let’s play like we mean it.
A five year plan! To play, play, play and dance, dance, dance.

* And the lyrics! ♫
(For everyone who didn’t go to socialist summer camp when they were kids.)
Who will sing me nine, oh red fly the banners high? I will sing you nine, oh red fly the banners high!
Nine! Nine! The months of labor!
Eight! Eight! The Workers’ State!
Seven is for the day of rest, so the workers keep their zest.
Six! Six! The workers’ week.
Five is for the five year plan.
Four the years we did it in.
Three, three, the rights of the People!
Two is for the workers’ hands, soiled and toiled and horny hard.
One is for the workers’ unity which evermore shall be. Hey!
My childhood, while screwed up in so many other ways, was clearly AWESOME.
And comment zen for the comment blanket fort.
Come play!
Make plans with me. Or don’t make plans. Or share stories about planning and not planning and ways to biggify that aren’t about what we think we should do but what is pleasurable and meaningful and full of curiosity and love.
As always, we let people have their own experience so no unsolicited advice.
We don’t need to be big.
We don’t need to think big. We don’t need to do big things. We don’t need to be big.
No. Let me say it like this:
We don’t need to be big in order to be biggified.
And certainly not any bigger than we want to.
Some explaining.
Some people think that working on biggification means they have to grow — in the sense of becoming larger.
Like this: oh no I don’t want to have giant staff meetings and oh no I need to have time for myself and oh no I don’t want a bunch of cloned coaches teaching branded programs with my name on it.
Of course you do not have to become big when you biggify.
No. That’s not what biggification is.
Biggification means:
You grow as a person. You grow your relationship with yourself. You grow into the version of you who is more at home in your skin. Who has more you-ness.
And is more comfortable sharing that kind of presence. And doing things that matter.
While connecting to the right kinds and amounts of people, presence and money to support your mission.
So.
Some (really important) points about what biggification really is.
Mindfulness.
Biggification is not about being big. It’s about being mindful.
I don’t care about big (or any variation on “think big think big”). I care about you having a conscious loving relationship with yourself and your stuff.
And not having to hide any more than is absolutely necessary for you to feel safe. So that you can connect with your people.
Meaning.
A lot of people think getting biggified means you have to want to make piles of monies.
And you can want to make piles of monies. That’s a legitimate thing to want.
But really, biggification means that you are not scared of who you will become when you have enough to live on happily, or more than enough.
It means arriving at a level of comfort with enough and with more, knowing that you can give it to the people and organizations who need it.
Knowing that you trust yourself to not become a total sleazeball.
Knowing that everything you do with all the resources you have (not just financial wealth but your big fat brain and your insights, courage, compassion, ideas and connections) has meaning.
Awareness.
Biggification is knowing what your stucknesses have to say.
It’s knowing how to discern between what is true for you and what is fear.
All the worries of what if I have to grow BIG and then I won’t like who I am or how my life is? This isn’t biggification.
That’s fuzzy monsters. That’s patterns. That’s our stuff. That we get to work on and destuckify.
Safety.
Mindful biggification means agreeing to not drag yourself out of your comfort zone (man, that’s an old post).
It means consciously choosing to challenge yourself while still creating safe spaces.
It means not going the way of resistance and fighting and hurling yourself at walls.
Not going the way of doing violence to yourself. Dissolving fear instead of making war on it. Healing habits instead of breaking them.
Noticing what’s going on and being as understanding and playful as you can stand.
Play!
When we biggify, we are always playing.
We wear costumes. We dance our patterns. We let silliness and goofballery and magic markers be a normal part of this growth that is organic and pleasurable and fun.
I have a lot to say about play. This might need its own post.
But yes, play is why I have a Playground (with monkeys!) instead of a yoga studio. It’s why I have a duck instead of a business partner. It’s why I’m a pirate queen instead of a CEO.
It’s why we rally at the Rally (Rally!) instead of a seminar or a summit or things that grownups go to. It’s why we have Drunk Pirate Council instead of meetings.
It’s why we’re having a good time.
It’s the obvious next step.
Biggification is always the natural extension of destuckifying.
If you spend enought time working on your stuff and rewriting your patterns, you’ll find that you have a lot to say.
You’ll find that there are things you care about passionately. And people you want to inspire or connect with. You’ll feel more of a pull to do things that matter.
It still doesn’t mean you want to have flunkies or that you want crazy visibility.
It means you feel significantly more comfortable being you out loud. And having whatever support need in order to do that with ease and grace.
And this is a good thing.

What’s not that important.
1. Whether or not you want to be HUGE.
It’s your life and your business. You’re a sovereign being. If you don’t want big, you don’t ever have to go big.
2. All those things that the biggifiers and experts talk about (having a niche, knowing your demographics, blah).
You can care about these things if you want to. But you don’t have to. I don’t.
What is — very — important.
- That you feel safe and supported putting things you care about out into the world so its right people can connect with it.
- That you bring more of your voice to the things you care about.
- That you don’t have to be intimidated by big. Or that you’re working on your stuff and destuckifying, so that you’ll be able to know that your choices come from love and not fear.
- That whatever being fabulously successful (and happy about it) means to you can happen in a way that doesn’t require you doing stuff that is anxiety-inducing.
- Stopping for thing like picnics. And costume changes. And to find out what you need next.

At the comment pajama party …
There is so much pressure in this online world. To figure out the right way, and to do what all the experts say (even though there’s conflicting advice everywhere).
And to do it quickly because we have bills to pay and we have urgency monsters, both of which are equally demanding.
So I just wanted to recognize out loud how painful and frustrating that can be.
In the meantime, we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let people have their own experience, and we don’t give advice unless someone asks for it.
Internet hugs. And popcorn!
Postscripting for three people: we’ll be spending 8 days on this (figuring out your plan for biggifying in a way that’s fun, not-scary, very effective and doesn’t require hugeness) in Asheville in November: The Week of Biggification. Password: pickles.
Nothing is wasted.
This was the hot buttered insight that emerged yesterday (thank you, Shiva Nata).
Like most epiphanies, it sounds pretty stupid when you say it out loud. But it’s still a gleaming piece of truth, and now it lives in my body and is a source of comfort.
Nothing is wasted.
Nothing is wasted.

I spent five years as bartender in south Tel Aviv.
And if you read regularly, you probably know I worked in some pretty dive-ey places.
I knew a lot of people. And an astonishing variety of people.
Artists. Writers. Musicians. Intellectuals. Local celebrities.
Surfers. Motorcycle gang members. Counterfeiters. Tour guides. Cab drivers.
People who did stuff on the black market. On the grey market. Connected to the Moroccan mafia. People with bodyguards.
Once someone tried to follow me home. Once I got a vodka bottle thrown at me. Once someone smashed my cellphone.
Once I nailed someone in the face with a stack of about fifty coasters.
I learned a lot.
I learned a lot about sovereignty. About not taking other people’s shit personally.
About right people. About how to run a bar.
About managing (people, expectations, experiences).
About creating setting. About creating culture.
About ambience and the power of everything that happens behind the scene.
About beauty and safety and pain.
What I’m NOT saying.
I’m not saying these experiences were good.
I’m not saying that everything is for the best. Or that suffering is a gift. Or that we should all be more grateful.
No. I would never say anything like that. There’s way too much implied “this is how you should be” in there.
Just that — for me — nothing is wasted.
I don’t need to spend more time on regret for each moment that wasn’t spent making the world a better place.
Because all those moments have come together to put me here now and headed towards where I’m headed. Not wasted.
Once I had a gig as a choreographer.
No, really. For a children’s folk dance troupe that performed all over the midwest.
I haven’t thought about that in years.
Even though I probably use those skills all the time …
- putting things (insights, projects, programs, ideas, words) in order
- creating sequences for things to happen in my business
- working with groups to make the impossible possible
- awesome high kicks for when we do Ironic Aerobics (totally optional) at the Week of Biggification in Asheville in November. Wheeeeee!
That job — and everything that went with it — has nothing to do with my life right now.
And yet.
Nothing is wasted.
Once I spent ten months climbing trees.
I know about things that you can only know from spending a lot of time by yourself up in a tree.
Nothing is wasted.
Once I spent three months in bed.
Near-catatonic depression.
Nothing to wake up for.
Only loss and grief and blankness.
Now I know what that’s like.
I can identify with things my clients deal with. But without being in it.
And I have a different relationship with both fear and emptiness because I KNOW them.
And I have many, many entries in my version of the Book of You about what brings me out of those dark places.
Nothing is wasted.
So many things.
Big ones.
I have loved and been loved.
I have lost and been lost.
I have done terrible, terrible things. And had moments of redemption.
Nothing is wasted.
And so many small things too.
I bake bread, name moons, cry, laugh, dance, list things.
Sometimes I’m afraid and envious and exhausted. And sometimes I remember that I get to be the queen of my life.
Nothing is wasted.
Where the stuck happens.
In the resistance, guilt and blame.
In the moments of “But whyyyyyyyy is it like this?!”
And: “But whyyyyyyyyyy is it not already like that?”
When I don’t meet myself where I am.
When I forget to give legitimacy to whatever it is I’m feeling.
When I believe my fuzzy monsters instead of being curious about what is really going on.
When I forget that I have support and so I forget to invoke negotiators.
When I need to be right, and forget about all the good stuff that happens when I’m wrong.
And yet. Nothing is wasted.
So I can stop and remember again.

And should you want to take this deeper.
Of course the next piece is this:
If nothing is wasted, then it is possible to extract the learning and the good, and release the pain that is attached to it.
I know that intellectually you know all of this stuff. You’re bright. You get it. And the next part is the process of learning to know it. In your bones and your muscles and your cells.
And: if you want to know this in your body, Shiva Nata is definitely the best place to start.
(We’ll also be working on the how of this — implementation! — at the Week of Biggification. The password is pickles. We just had a cancellation. Three spots left. It would be a DELIGHT to have you there to destuckify with us.)

And in the comment blanket fort today…
We all have our stuff. We are all working on our stuff. It’s a process. It takes time.
This is tough territory. So, as always, if I accidentally stepped on your stuff while processing mine, I’m so sorry. That was absolutely not my intention.
Again, I would never, ever say that you “should” find value in any of the hard, awful things that have happened to you. That would be a pretty condescending, obnoxious and really kind of violent thing to say or imply.
So use this idea of “nothing is wasted” in a way that does feel safe and comfortable for you. And if it doesn’t? Permission to never have to engage with it. Do what you need to do.
*blows kiss*