The Fluent Self

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

Questions. Part 2.

by Havi Brooks | Oct 15, 2009 | my personal practice, stuff I think about

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post called Questions. It also had the words Part 1 right there in the title.

Right. I totally meant to get to Part 2. And then forgot.

Anyway, it was this writing exercise thing.

By which I mean the following:

1. posing questions
2. scribbling down whatever pops into your head
3. and then marveling at how your subconscious is totally smarter than you.

The twist was that I did this exercise right after my Shiva Nata practice. If you’re not a fellow Shivanaut yet, the quick explanation is that it’s ~~insane~~ messing around with how your neurons connect up in your brain.

You do it with your body and you get wacky epiphanies while feeling ridiculously uncoordinated.

Back to the point. While I was teaching in Germany, I made everyone do this writing exercise after our brain-scrambling practice.

The stuff that came up was pretty cool. And surprising. So I’m posting my answers to the questions here.

And one more thing.

In case you didn’t read the comments from the last Questions post, let me just say that people got some astounding results from answering the questions, even without doing brain wackiness first.

So just know that you’re more than welcome to play with me and scribble your own answers to any of these questions too.

Oh, and I also want to point you to Emily’s amazing post based on these questions:

“Huh. OK. I need to let the waves carry me. To stop fighting so hard. To float and move with the waves. To appreciate that they are beautiful. To melt. To be easier. To swim. To love the waves.”

Awesome.

Okay. Let’s do this.

“What do I need now?”

Comfort. Rest. Strength.

Reminders. Reassurance.

To be with myself and know myself.

I need a place that is just for me.

Privacy. That’s what it is. I crave privacy.

And I crave it in so many different forms. In my business. In my home. In the room where I am staying. This is all about safety. Safety and protection.

Wow. I had no idea I needed so many things. Or so much of this one thing.

Or really, that I was desiring safety in so many forms and not even able to recognize the sensation of receiving it.

“What is next?”

Release? An opening? No.

It’s about me standing up for what I need.

Whoah.

Standing up for what I need.

Until two minutes ago, I didn’t even know what that was. And now I’m ready to stand up for it. This is about the sovereignty thing again.

“What would help me?”

Time? Patience?

Clarity.

Faith.

“What is missing?”

Safety.

That deep inner knowing (and the external resources to support it) that I am cared for.

“What do I forget to tell myself?”

That I am loved.

That there is time.

That I have the resources I need.

That I’m allowed to ask.

That I’m allowed to not know.

That I’m allowed to want these things.

“What is the most important thing right now?”

Quiet.

Tee hee! Freudian slip: my mind said quiet, but I wrote “quest”. Okay.

Making sure I get enough solitude.

Making sure that I’m the one who asks for solitude and that I’m the one who gives it. I have to be both.

Okay, weird. What does that even mean?

Is it that by being in a state of quiet I can access more quiet?

Mmmm. No. It’s something else.

It’s this:

I am the asker and I am the giver and both are good.

That’s it. Do you want to play too?

You definitely don’t have to do Shiva Nata first unless you feel like it.

And if you are Shiva-ing it up, three minutes … more than enough.

But yeah. Pick a question, any question. And start writing an answer to it. Or hell, you can answer all of them if you feel like it.

And then you’re more than welcome to share it here. Or something else that comes up. Or not. Either way.

Yay! Play with me!

Item! Corsets and clairvoyance. On the train!

by Havi Brooks | Oct 14, 2009 | stuff I think about

Fluent Self Item! A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.

Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.

Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.

Yes, we are back with the Items. Item!

And — but of course — the exclamation points. Lots of them. I am throwing caution to the wind and exclaiming over … pretty much everything.

I don’t actually know if anyone misses the Items (Item!) when they’re not around, but I do really appreciate having a place to catalogue the various places I get sucked into online. Shall we?

Item! Post No. 36 in a ridiculous series whose very existence sustains me through my Extremely Necessary Vacationizizing, even if I have to skip a week here and there.

Item! Tactical Corsets!

I must have one.

“For too long, women have had to compromise practicality for beauty. Men got pants with cargo pockets and built-in knee pads, women got clothes whose only built-in feature was cuteness.

But why should men get all the high-speed low-drag tactical toys?”

The site is TacticalCorsets.com and I’m obsessed. Oh, yes. The Pirate Queen is in awe.

You can also watch a video here.

I honestly have no idea where I found this but I’m assuming it would have to be on Twitter. Because that’s what the twitters are for. Well, that and casually stalking people you’re obsessed with.*

* (Hi, Colleen, you fabulous Communicatrix you! I loooooooooooove you!)

Item! Speaking of things I must have. That are wrong.

Actually, I must not have this. I am not allowed to have this.

Still want one though.

It’s a … fitness machine? I’m not even sure what that means. And, apparently, if I had a television I would already know about it.

This is Ellen testing the Hawaii Chair.

Via @CarriBella.Thanks!

Item! I’m on the woo woo train!

Okay, this one cracked me up.

Partly because, as we already know, me-from-ten-years-ago would think that me-from-right-now (aka me-who-files-stuff-by-chakras) is the weirdest, most embarrassing person on earth.

But I hang out with all sorts of bizarre and interesting people. And so of course I don’t count myself as in with the woo-woo camp at all. But apparently I am.

(Woo Woo Camp. It’s just one guy.)

Anyway. Sparky Firepants is the funny. Mr. Pants! I love him.

“I drink tea in the afternoon. Man, I love my coffee. Go-go juice. Makes me feel all manly and East Coast to have my java and jump into the studio. Sipping a nice, soothing cup of tea later on helps purge the New York City man that lives inside my head. Besides, it gets really goddamned cold in here sometimes.”

Here’s the rest of it.

He’s @sparkyfirepants on Twitter.

Item! Seclusion and isolation: they’re important.

One of the big things I got from my Extremely Necessary Vacation was that I am happiest when I’m not around anyone but myself.

If you already know me, you’re totally laughing at me now because it’s not like this is some big secret. I’m a huge loner and I’m introverted and none of that is news.

That’s kind of why I love the internet. Because it allows me to have a job where I don’t have to see anyone I don’t like ever. And I only see the people I do like when I feel like it.

But the thing I was loving about Extremely Necessary Vacation was being shut off from everything. I was still writing, but I wasn’t spending time online.

And it was addictive. Not being connected was addictive.

Then I read Hiro’s thoughtful post about exactly that. It’s about the relationship between connection & solitude. And blogging.

“It’s been more than a month since I wrote a blog post.

First, it was my 60th birthday, and then I went away on retreat, and somehow, I found my feet on a winding path in a parallel life in which there was a blessed absence of deadlines and to-do lists–the kind of silent spaciousness I hadn’t known I’d missed until the horizons opened and melted into an infinite sky.”

The kind of silent spaciousness I hadn’t known I’d missed until the horizons openened and melted into an infinite sky.

Yes.

She’s @HiroBoga on Twitter.

Item! And one more thing about Hiro.

This is kind of a crazy thing to say, but you really cannot underestimate the power of having a clairvoyant business advisor.

I say that because I have one. I call her my non-evil Grand Vizier but yeah, I get a session from Hiro at least once a week and I also consult with her first on just about everything I do in my business before I do it.

Anyway, this is definitely not for everyone, but I have heard whisperings that she is going to be teaching a course this year on how to become your own business advisor. Like, how to be that person for yourself.

I have no idea when, what, how much or anything else.

All I know is that ohmygod I’m in. And that if this is even slightly your cup of tea you should sign up for her noozleter or maybe even write to her and ask really, really nicely to be on the list of people who get to hear about it first.

Item! Update from the land of the Peculiar & Hilarious Shivanauts!

The “peculiar and hilarious” thing comes from Melynda’s sweet bit about Butterfly Wishes.

Right. So I wrote a bunch of Shivanautical updates.

Which is where you can read about how absurdity reveals patterns. And also about how we’re sponsoring Roller Derby!

Because we are. And yes. Flailing: it’s good for you!

Item! Comments!

So it was really cool the other week when I got to work on my practice of how I ask for stuff and you guys gave me the best reading recommendations ever!

So I’m going to try it again.

Here’s what I want:

Things you’re thinking about.
Films you recommend (that you would recommend to me).*

*HSP-alert: I don’t mind violence if it’s martial arts and/or general ass-kicking, but not so into stuff blowing up, and I absolutely can’t handle emotional or sexual violence.

My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.

Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.

That is all.

Happy reading.

And happy Blustery Windsday. See you tomorrow.

The CEO with the stripey socks (part 2)

by Havi Brooks | Oct 12, 2009 | biggification, my personal practice

Oh, boy. Cliff-hanger city!

Well, not really. But kind of.

Last Thursday we were talking about what it means to biggify what you do while staying in sovereignty.

And I mentioned that I’d spent a week of my Extremely Necessary Vacation working on one tiny piece of my own sovereignty puzzle.

Sovereignty, in this context, meaning the quality of:

not caring so much about what other people think
not caving in to other people’s expectations
being able to rest in the safety that comes from knowing that my space, my body, my energy and my life belong to me
remembering that these things will always belong to me because guess what? I get to be the queen of my fabulous pirate-ey queendom.

The challenge:

“To approach every single interaction you have with the question, ‘how am I going to comfortably and confidently ask for what I want?’, knowing that your sovereignty thing doesn’t diminish theirs.”

And my own personal challenge:

I was a bartender for five years. I know about people asking for what they want.

The majority of my experience with other people asking for what they want? Mostly involves people handing me shit, and expecting me to smile and say thank you.

And that’s true whether you’re coordinating a fancypants cocktail party or ducking flying ashtrays in some dive bar in south Tel Aviv.

So I had to do some work to differentiate between the people who made my life hell with their insistent give-me-what-I-want stuff on the one hand, and my own practice of recognizing that I’m allowed to want things, on the other.

What I got (and this kind of needs to be its own post) is that this practice is really about the need behind the ask.

So … when I ask for what I want because my need is to connect with my own sovereignty, that’s healthy.

When I’m asking for what I want as a way to distract from my need for acknowledgment or recognition (or to establish power over someone else), that’s not being in sovereignty, and it’s not good for anyone.

So that was one of the themes I was working with, and meeting my Fear of Becoming The Asshat was my challenge.

Speaking of challenges, the “every single interaction” part turned out — surprise! — to be a bit much.

But I did practice. And I took notes.

In which I practice in the safest environment possible.

So my gentleman friend and I have been having dinner in the hotel restaurant all week. Which is already weird because we hardly ever go out.

And then it’s one of those places where they replace your silverware every five seconds (because yes of course I need a new knife after having just eaten soup).

Anyway, the waiter always pulls out my chair for me (ladies first) and it’s invariably the chair I don’t want to sit in.

That’s because if one person gets to have their back to the wall, I want to be that person, please.

And this is exactly where my highly sensitive stuff meets my “but I don’t want people to think I’m crazy or annoying” stuff.

A perfect example: Some of my family came to visit Portland and we all went out for dinner. We were too many for the booth, so my gentleman friend and I were seated at the end.

It seemed at the time that just dealing with it would be greatly preferable to asking someone to switch places with me. Too much fear (or experience) of people thinking that I’m fussy, weird or insane. Fear of having to explain.

But then I spent the meal in hard-core tension mode, trying not to completely panic every time a waiter’s hand snaked out in front of me from behind my back.

So I’m taking this week as an opportunity to practice the sovereignty thing by experimenting, but keeping it small: getting the seat that helps me feel comfortable and feeling okay about wanting that.

And yeah, it was a practice. Also I should add that — fortunately — we had a different waiter each night. Much less awkward that way.

On Day Six, an older couple (man and woman) were seated at the table next to us. I watched as the woman gracefully and wordlessly took the seat she wanted — the same one I would have wanted — with nothing more than a confident tilt of her head and a generous smile.

Awesome. I’m trying that one next time.

Comment zen for today …

What I would love: thoughts, musings, reactions related to the stuff I’m talking about and the sovereignty thing in general. What I’d rather not have: critique of the topic, to have my stuff judged or psychoanalyzed, advice.

Thanks for being in this with me!

Very Personal Ads #15: in search of the zing

by Havi Brooks | Oct 11, 2009 | my personal practice

Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.

So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.

Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.

Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.

And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!

Let’s do this thing.

Thing 1: the writing project that is on my mind

Here’s what I want:

I have an idea (and a page or two of scribbled notes) for a weekly series of blog posts.

About the relationship between biggification and sovereignty. Sovereignty in business.

What I want is a sexy title. Because the thing with sovereignty is that when you know what it is, it’s so hot you can hardly stand it.

But as a word? By itself? It doesn’t have that same zing. I need the zing.

I also want reassurance (mostly from me) that this will be fun, that I’m going to stick with it for however long it takes and that it won’t turn into a big, horrible energy-suck.

And also (mostly from you) that this is an interesting, useful topic for people who do not happen to be me.

Here’s how I want this to work:

The right title could come to me.

Or someone could make a fabulous suggestion in the comments.

Or I could do some Shiva Nata on it and get a mini-epiphany or two.

I can spend time with my gentleman friend going over what types of things I want to cover and what order makes the most sense.

I can agree to let it percolate for a while.

Maybe I’ll just know.

My commitment.

To have fun with this. To take my time. To ask for help. To sleep on it and meditate on it and Shiva-it-up.

Thing 2: a smooth landing from Extremely Necessary Vacation

Here’s what I want:

So my Extremely Necessary Vacation is already over. I’m teaching my first class tomorrow (for the Kitchen Table). Back to life as usual.

Which is totally a good thing, yes?

But what I’d really like is some smooth sailing. A happy landing. An ease of transition.

Here’s how I want this to work:

I want to be able to give myself time (and permission!) to take things slowly.

To resist the urge to throw myself headlong into whatever chaos has developed while being gone.

To be patient with myself.

My commitment.

To work on trusting this thing. To notice what I need. To ask for what I need.

To pay attention to when I start pushing myself.

To be easy on myself about not being able to be easy on myself. Or at least to try.

Thing 3: maintaining connection with my body

Remember two weeks ago when my ask was about spending more time in my body?

Well, Extremely Necessary Vacation has been the best thing for that ever.

I went from barely remembering what it was like to have a daily routine to having it again.

Waking up early, doing 45 minutes of yoga, going for a walk in the morning. Dancing in the evenings. It feels so good.

I find myself going back and forth between “Oh, how I want to be able to keep some of this up” and “There’s no way this is going to work!”

Here’s what I want:

To be able to stay with the memory of how happy I feel when I’m in my body and using it.

To be gentle with myself.

To allow myself small steps.

To sign up for more dance classes.

Ways this could work:

I don’t really know. And I don’t want suggestions or advice.

I just want to put the ask out there and let it do its thing.

My commitment.

To meet myself where I am. To appreciate the good bits and acknowledge the hard ones. To give myself time.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

To update you on what’s happened since last time.

Thing 1: I needed a way to distinguish between short-term events and long-term programs in my navigation. Came up with the answer later that day. Events will remain “events”, and I’ll be putting up a page soon-ish called Biggification 2010.

Excellent.

Thing 2: I needed my stupid FAQ page to write itself already. So I took my own advice and wrote it (it’s here!) while writing a post about what was keeping me from writing it. Totally worked.

And Thing 3 was about clarity. I’ve been getting crazy amounts of that too.

Actually, I have to say that this was probably one of the most astonishingly effective Very Personal Ad pieces ever, because all three things were taken care of almost immediately. Weird!

Comments. Since I’m already asking …

I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about what I would like to receive in the comments. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of this experiment too. 🙂

Here’s what I want (just leave them in the comments):

Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for.

What I would rather not have:

Reality theories.
Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
To be judged or psychoanalyzed.

My commitment.

I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird. I commit to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and to interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible.

Thanks for doing this with me!

Friday Chicken #62: deodorant brandy edition

by Havi Brooks | Oct 9, 2009 | updates & announcements

Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

I’m sad to report that Deodorant Brandy is not our fake band of the week. Though it really should be. Alas.

Anyway, still on Extremely Necessary Vacation. Which is almost over. That’s pretty much the gist of the Chicken.

The hard stuff

Stress.

Awful, awful guiltified stress. A lot of which is just in my head. And some of which is residual guilt about going on Extremely Necessary Vacation in the first place.

My stuff. Hi.

But man.

Too many stupid little things adding to my stress.

First I forgot to pay some phone bills because I haven’t had access to my calendar.

The bookmark in my toolbar that was supposed to remind me to pay something else just up and disappeared.

Then my landlady cashed the October rent check a few days before the first of the month, which is the date I was planning on.

Ugh. Charges and fees and overdrafts and worries and annoyances. Do. Not. Like.

Ever had deodorant-flavoured brandy?

Because I have.

This one isn’t so much a “hard” as a “weird”. Luckily (though is that really the right word when discussing deodorant brandy?) it was the crystal mineral kind and not the gooey stick of chemicals kind.

And no, the deodorant did not belong to me. And no, I’m not going into details.

But you know what would be awesome? Brandy-flavoured deodorant. Now that is something I would pay for.

Not wanting Extremely Necessary Vacation to end.

Though all things do. I’m back to work on Monday.

The good stuff

VACATION!

I kind of can’t believe this but I’m still on Extremely Necessary Vacation, which is now turning into I Love This Vacation Thing So Much Vacation.

Being on holiday suits me. Oh yes.

Also, this is the longest vacation I’ve ever had. By a lot. Though really it’s only the second vacation I’ve ever had, if you don’t count being unemployed, broke and terrified. Which I don’t.

Anyway, it is so ridiculously healthy, despite all the worries I manage to bring along. I think I’m actually going to uh, plan one this year, so I don’t end up taking Emergency Vacations instead. Revolutionary!

You know what else is magical about vacation?

It makes you want to work.

Well, it makes me want to work.

Once I really started working through the burnout, all my enthusiasm for the meaning of my work came flooding back in.

Passion. And drive. I’ve been seriously missing these things. Yay.

Relaxation. It’s like, good for you.

I know, I know. Not so good at practicing what I preach.

(Oh how I love that there were about twenty things I could have linked to there — also tempted to mention this and this too.)

But it’s amazing.

I look in the mirror and I think, wow … so THIS is what I look like without bags under my eyes. And when I get exercise outdoors.

Turns out that not working makes me much better looking.

Stuff being outrageously beautiful.

I’ve honestly seen more rainbows on this Extremely Necessary Vacation than in my whole life. Also gorgeous skies and beautiful sunrises and ridiculously adorable cavorting dolphins.

Now, admittedly, normally these would be the kind of cheesy, embarrassing vacation-symbols that would send me into Extremely Sarcastic Mode, but I have to say …

Nope. It’s just really, really beautiful.

I took a tap dancing class!

That’s mostly notable because the fact that I did it surprised the hell out of me.

I also really enjoyed myself, which was pretty surprising too.

And … playing live at the meme beach house!

Yes, that’s a Stuism too.

My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”

So this week, I must introduce you to:

Irresponsible Cream

I got the idea from Alicia who suggested (in last week’s Chicken) pumpkin and leek soup with Irresponsible Cream. I love Irresponsible Cream! Clearly … it’s just one guy.

And … STUISMS of the week.

Stu is my paranoid McCarthy-ist voice-to-text software who delights in ~~torturing me~~ misunderstanding me. I can’t stand him.

Gods and only God gajillion instead of “ohmygod Jillian!”
except that just permeates so much heroin instead of “except that for me it’s so much harder”
the okay horse and this orator instead of “the chaos and the disorder”
That Site is funny via the feared big hug instead of “so I just want to give you a big hug”
bad chick daisy instead of “batshit crazy”
milking the rounds instead of “making demands”
justify the bye instead of “it’s just one guy”

That’s it for me …

And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.

Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.

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