What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Check-in #50: extra-crazy edition
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
So Selma and I spent half the week in San Francisco.
Which means we are entitled to spend at least half of the Friday Chicken kvetching about it covering it.
There was good. There was hard.
There was hard that turned into good.
It was a lot of week this week, is all I’m saying.
And some of it happened in San Francisco. So if you get bored of hearing about that part, know that I’ll be completely over it by next week. 🙂
The hard stuff
San Francisco.
Somehow I had entirely forgotten how San Francisco is full of [insert stream of expletives here] people who are crazy.
Completely, irrevocably [insert more cussing] crazy.
Which is funny, because whenever someone asks me why I don’t live in San Francisco anymore, the first answer is always that I had to get away from all the [bleeped out] crazy.
The second answer is that if I’m already going to pay that much for rent I’d move to Paris where the [***********************] crazy people are at least being crazy in French.
Of course there is also lots I love (and miss) about San Francisco. And of course it is also the magical place where I met my gentleman friend after getting a (cough, crazy) vision that I needed to move there from Berlin.
But man.
That city! And the sheer number of people who are ….
… seriously unbalanced.
Sometimes scary unbalanced and sometimes “oh, isn’t that charming for the first ten minutes” unbalanced, but it’s a lot to take.
A lot of mental and emotional energy goes to just filtering it out. Challenging.
All my stuff coming up.
There was actually kind of a sneakified thing I wanted to do while purportedly coming to town to a. teach a workshop and b. throw a fabulous birthday surprise weekend for my gentleman friend.
My Israeli passport is expired.
And not even recently expired.
I haven’t been home in almost five years. Even though when I left it was supposed to be just for … I don’t know how long. A few months? A year at most?
Anyway.
I’m going in October and need a new passport. And since it is basically impossible to get anyone at the Consulate to pick up a phone or call you back or anything, and I wasn’t sure I had the right papers …
Well, I knew I could sort that out in person while we were in San Francisco*.
But it totally brought up a lot of unfinished, unresolved gunk for me. And — as if that weren’t enough — you should have seen the awful, awful passport photos.
*If you’re thinking, “Wait, didn’t you already sort this out?” … the answer is no. And also that I don’t want to talk about it.
The worst passport pictures in the history of terrible passport pictures.
I know that no one looks good under fluorescent lights standing next to a pale screen in a dubious-looking Walgreens.*
*Yes, this qualified as an emergency situation and I broke my box-store-boycott. Ugh.
But these photos were spectacularly bad. It was outrageous how unattractive I looked.
Even my gentleman friend, who tends to think that I always look stunning even when that is demonstrably untrue, agreed that these were truly horrendous and distorted photos and that I looked deranged.
Ugh.
Going back to work.
Admittedly, things have gotten a lot better.
I mean, a year ago there was no way in hell you could have gotten me to do four days without being all internet-ed up.
And if you had? Coming back to four days of piled up work would have sent me into weeks of panicked horribleness and lovely emotional breakdown stuff.
So yes, this is better.
But it was still super hard. So much to catch up on.
So much crap. So many little misunderstandings or things-gone-slightly-wrong.
And then someone had to cancel (I know) for the North Carolina workshop* and I am not in the mood to write another personal ad to fill that spot.
*It says it’s sold out but now it’s not! If you want that last spot, please talk to Marissa! She’ll totally let you do the Early Bird thing since that was the spot that opened up.
Very stressful. Very tiring. And now I’m really ready for all the catch-up to be done.
The good stuff
San Francisco!
We went to our favorite haunts. We saw our friends.
We watched the Bay from the S.S. Jeremiah O’Brien. We sang pirate chanteys on the Balclutha.
We had brunch with Casey and her sweet, wonderful husband Dave.
Selma and I got to have dinner with a bunch of my Bay Area Kitchen Table people (and they bought me a pirate dress!)
And there was lots of good walking, lots of good food and lots of happy nostalgic “good to be back”-ness.
Plus, my gentleman friend was seriously elated. And happy gentleman friend = yay.
A total freaking miracle with my Israeli passport.
I came up with a VPA (Very Personal Ad) asking for a perfect, simple solution to my passport-related worries. And?
It turned out that yes, I did have the wrong paperwork.
And also that I could extend my passport for another year and so I didn’t have to renew it!
Which means that I didn’t have to pay sixty dollars. And I didn’t have to put it in the mail and worry about it for a month or two. And I didn’t have to show anyone those horrible, horrible passport photos.
Ah, yes. They have been destroyed. And that, my friends, is good news for everyone involved.
Also, even though I arrived at the consulate five minutes before they closed, they were weirdly cool about it. Awesome.
The workshop.
So. Much. Fun.
I pretty much always get bright, interesting people in the classes I teach, but this group was exceptional.
Seriously amazing people there. It was an honor to be there and do wackiness with them.
Happy!
And … new at the meme beach house!
Yes, that’s a Stuism too.
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.” This week?
Spunky Asphalt
Me: “Are you familiar with Spunky Asphalt?
Ez: “Dude. It’s your own spunky-ass fault.”
Me: “Oh, is that what they’re called?
Ez: “Uh, it’s just one guy.”
And … STUISMS of the week.
Stu is my paranoid McCarthy-ist voice-to-text software who delights in torturing me misunderstanding me. I can’t stand him.
My favorite this week?
When I was trying to tell him where to put in the header tags for someone else to format my post. And inside of the angle brackets instead of H1 he wrote “each one“. Moron.
Anyway, the gems from this week:
- sorrier things instead of “saw your thing”
- at sea instead of “Etsy” (this isn’t all that funny, but it’s funnier if you’re a pirate queen.)
- Water kind of Niece can I back? instead of “What kind of epiphanies can I expect?”
- will always lift you to the thing you need the Maoist instead of “will always give you the thing you need the most”
- Oh. Aaron S. instead of “awareness”
- back to y’all forwarding my tender he instead of “that you will forward me my itinerary”
- on the bazaar illustrated Offense instead of “in a bizarre and a miraculous turn of events”
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
Do we need to sacrifice a chicken here?
I sincerely hope not.
That would suck.
Especially since I’m a vegetarian. Especially since tomorrow is the Friday Chicken and I’m certainly not sacrificing that one.
Okay. This is not really a post.
This is really more just a sustained kvetching session about how wrong everything is going.
Normally I would save that for Friday but this week has been so completely challenging that I really can’t wait that long. Yes, I am aware that Friday is tomorrow.
Anyway, I’m not sure that complaining is going to help. But it’s less bloody than the animal sacrifice solution. And if it doesn’t appease the gods, at least it might make me feel better.
So. The Catalogue of Woes. Yes, woes. Woes that are not fair not fair not fair!
Also known as the list of things that are making me cry and run to the Angel Refueling Station.
Also known as …
The list of things going horribly wrong in my business this week.
One word leads to complicated, expensive, hair-tearing mix-up.
One. Word.
A one-word mistake made months ago by someone who doesn’t work for me anymore pretty much took over my entire week.
The person coordinating my workshops accidentally wrote one person’s name instead of another person’s name in my itinerary. But we didn’t realize that this had been the mistake because there was already so much confusion.
So first there was a conversation like this:
Famous person who I totally admire: “So … are you staying with me at my hotel in Santa Fe?”
Me (looking at my itinerary): “Uh … it looks like I’m staying with [another famous person who I totally admire] in Albuquerque.
First admired famous person: “Oh, so you changed the original plans and didn’t tell me?”
Me: “Ohmygod! I didn’t even know there were original plans. All I know is what my assistants put into my itinerary. Uh-oh?”
Note: I mention the famous thing not so you will be all impressed, but because it’s somehow scarier to have people I want to work with and biggify with feel upset with me.
Anyway, eventually we got it sorted. But it took a crazy amount of time to have my people figure out what happened and of course I am the one who pays for that time.
Which sets off my internal “you know, if I’m going to have an emotional breakdown anyway, I could do this myself and be just as stressed out but at least not be throwing money away” stuff. Pattern. Ugh.
Hosting mix-up.
My hosting for a bunch of sites almost didn’t get renewed because of a ridiculous internal misunderstanding.
Panic.
Impossibly complicated tech problems.
I’m pretty sure Mount Hood is in retrograde again.
Or, as my gentleman friend theorized:
Maybe Hoppy House is directly in the center of some kind of technology-snarling vortex?
Quite possible.
About a hundred things going wrong with my Kitchen Table forum environment. All at the same time.
None of which the tech person can solve. Heads are so going to roll.
And of course the whole thing is made infinitely more complicated by various (and nefarious) communication problems.
Too many people working for me. Systems need work.
Looking at this week, it kind of seems like this:
I pay person one to bring a problem to person two who takes it to person three who shrugs his shoulders and says he can’t do anything about it.
Then I wonder why my staff costs are so high.
Yes, you are right. This is a stupid way to do things.
Not even sure how to describe this one.
My new phone has a built-in answering machine.
Keep in mind that I never answer phones and I don’t even know the number of my office line.
I give everyone my Google Voice number (the one on my contact page) and that forwards to my cell, which I also never answer. Genius, I know.
Then one of my assistants lets me know if there’s a message that’s important that she can’t take care of on her own. That — may it never happen — never happens.
The only time I turn on the volume on my office phone and set it to actually receive calls is when I’m expecting a call related to an appointment.
Anyway …
This particular phone with its stupid built-in answering machine takes messages from random people calling wrong numbers. And then it blinks red which drives me crazy because I am highly sensitive.
And then I have to put things on it so I don’t have to see the flashing.
And now? It randomly spits out messages. As in, I am sitting at my desk (which is a chaise lounge, so I’m actually on it) and out of flipping nowhere it starts playing my messages.
My irrelevant, pointless, spamtastic, not-for-me-anyway wrong number messages.
At inappropriate times. Of course.
Aaaaaaaaaaagh.
PMS.
I’m almost positive the chicken-sacrificing thing definitely doesn’t help with this one.
But the hormones? Not. Helping.

Okay. I’m done with my list. For now. I think.
I will just say (because Selma is very clear about wanting me to mention this) that no ducks were harmed in the writing of this extra-complain-ey post.
Also no chickens.

Finding the re-set button?
Some days you (and yes, when I say you, I mean me) are just kind of out of synch with the world yourself.
And pretty much all you (we) can do is to stop doing, and — as my friend Michael says — wait until you can catch the next wave.
Some things I try to make the wave-catching happen a little sooner:
- take a nap (big, crazy resistance to this one, but it pretty much always helps).
- ten minutes of Shiva Nata wackiness.
- forty-five minutes of Non-Sucky Yoga (the first fifteen are iffy).
- remind myself that I’m allowed to feel upset, frustrated, annoyed and anxious.
- write a long list of everything that’s going horribly wrong.*
*I’m not sure that posting it on your blog is what you’re supposed to do with it, but oh well — I definitely feel better now.

Extra-special Comment Zen
You know what I would LOVE today?
Some empathy.
Some tut-tut-ing.
Some “ohmygosh that sucks!”
That would be pure bliss.
“Poor you” is also acceptable, as are internet hugs.
Here’s what I really cannot handle right now:
Please please please do not tell me that things aren’t really “wrong” and that they are exactly as they should be.**
**That may or may not be true, but right now they feel wrong and that’s where I am, so if you could just meet me there please.
And definitely no implying that I should be feeling grateful for all the stuff that is good in my life. Oh, and you know what? Let’s just say no advice at all and leave it at that. Thanks!
Also, using the word “learning experience” in a way that does not express understanding of the awful irony involved? Noooooooooooo! Hmmm. Maybe I am getting better at this being specific thing.
Thanks for being with me today.
havi
Item! There is reference to badassery in this post!
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
So most of the people I know who post stuff online tend to alternate between desperately hoping that people will read it and (equally desperately) wishing that maybe no one will ever see it.
As one woman whose blog I’ve mentioned here said to me ….
“You read my post! I wondered if (and hoped) you would. And sometimes hoped you wouldn’t.”
And then another said this:
“I’ve been trying to tell more people about what I write … in the spirit of getting over my fear of being shot on sight if I become more visible.”
So I apologize in advance to everyone who wrote the beautiful, interesting things I’m mentioning today for giving them the thing they don’t want (but do). But don’t.
Item! Post No. 26 in a series that lets me dramatically send you off to the four corners of the internet in search of joy and wonder and … such.
Item! What’s in a name?
The lovely Communicatrix who is now transitioning into going by her “real” name, wrote this week about “Why I wasn’t Colleen Wainwright and why I am now.”
It’s a well-written, interesting read (hello, this is the Communicatrix we’re talking about) that manages to cover identity, wordishness, history, blogging and the whole transparency thing.
(Personally, I say to hell with the transparency police. Call yourself what you want.)
After all, if anyone consistently demonstrates honest, open, from-the-heart writing on the web, it’s the woman who wrote this post:
“And in mid-century America, in the circles Charles Anthony Weinrott wanted to travel in, if it wasn’t better to be non-Jewish, it was definitely better to be non-different. So he Anglicized the name, converted to Catholicism, et voila! All traces of the Jew in him, save a lingering penchant for chopped liver, were eliminated. (And hey, who doesn’t like a nice pâté?)”
She’s @Communicatrix on Twitter.

Item! Pecked to death by angry birds! (but not really, don’t worry)
Nice piece from Brooke Thomas called pecked to death by angry birds (and related epiphanies).
She realizes that the birds who won’t stop pecking at her aren’t the enemy. They’re actually her. Pecking at herself and punishing herself.
And then she starts looking for ways to shift that pattern …
“Yay! I’m so busy that I must be a good person- one who is worthy of existing! Yippee! Now that my Puritan ancestors are nodding in approval, we can move on. (Provided you haven’t abandoned this page already because you decided you’ve been listening to the ravings of a madwoman).”
Good stuff.
She’s @brookethomas on Twitter.

Item! How to write a douche-free bio!
Ladies and gentleman, I give you the fabulous Kelly Parkinson:
“How many of us compress our lives into 200 words or less in real-life conversation? Only the most annoying ones, that’s who.”
Her sixteen questions to help you write a bio that doesn’t have any “marketing douche-baggery” in it are … smart, funny and useful.
I heart Kelly. That is all.
She’s @copylicious on Twitter.

Item! Weird-Cookie-Eating Reenactment!
This woman is awesome.
Her name is Alice Bradley and I found her here. I know, isn’t that weird?
She left a comment and I thought this woman rocks.
And then she made a video representation of her kid not eating a cookie.
“All I can say is, he ate a single cookie in the oddest, most irritating way possible. As if there might be sprouts or poison lurking somewhere within the cookie. I was going to write about it, but I couldn’t possibly describe his insane cookie-eating method in a way that would do it justice.”
The post is called “Wherein we display our enviable dramatic skills” and yes, the video is definitely worth a minute and a half of your watching attention.
Also, is it just me or is “cookie reenactment post” the funniest phrase ever? Because I just said it out loud and it made me giggle.
She’s @finslippy on Twitter.

Item! Badass of the Week!
The site is BadassOfTheWeek.com and it is written by (badass) Ben Thompson who “writes stuff about badasses”.
And it is my new favoritest thing in the entire world.
Outside of cheese.
The writing is smart, funny, engaging and … oh, slightly off-color. Also, “slightly” might be a “slight” exaggeration.
As he says:
“You should probably also be aware that this site features an unnecessarily copious amount of profanity, so if you’re easily offended by that sort of thing then this would be a good time for you to turn off your computer and go join a convent.”
Anyway, I was a history major, and I also spent several years working in dive bars in south Tel Aviv where the ability to curse up a storm was highly prized.
So the Badass Of Week manages to cover pretty much everything I love in this world (except cheese) all at once. No small feat.
Thanks to my beloved Jenny the Bloggess for introducing me to the badassery.
And you can look for @BadassoftheWeek on Twitter.

Item! Speaking of things slightly curse-ey ….
I really appreciated this post from Amy Mommaerts.
It’s called Independence News Flash: Armageddon has struck Shittyville!
Uh huh. And it’s great.
“Somewhere along the line, unknowingly, I decided to make everything much harder than it needed to be.
Trying to prove something to someone? Maybe myself? I really don’t know.”
She’s @AmyMommaerts on Twitter.

Item! It’s that time again!
Twice a year Selma and I teach a class that doesn’t cost anything.
It’s called the Habits Detective teleclass and we cover some aspect of the whole “working on your stuff” process and learn Useful Things.
I don’t sell anything, I don’t promote anything. It’s just a place to learn.
The next one is Tuesday, July 21st. That’s next week.
We usually get a couple hundred people. You have to sign up in advance to get the number and you’ll get a link to the recording when it’s ready.
Sign-up page is here if you’re interested.

Item! Comments!
So it was really cool last week when I got to work on my practice of how I ask for stuff and you guys gave me the best reading recommendations ever!
So I’m going to try it again!
Here’s what I want:
- Things you’re thinking about.
- Blogs you’re enjoying that you think I might like.
My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.
Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.

That is all.
Happy reading.
And happy Blustery Windsday. See you tomorrow.
Rome. Success. Secrets. And a timeline.
A while back I made the sweeping editorial decision that I wasn’t going to write one of those “debunking the myth of overnight success” posts.
I just didn’t feel like adding anything to the whole Rome wasn’t built in a day thing, which is well-covered ground. And has plenty of bright, articulate people doing the covering.*
*If you do want some good stuff on this, start with Seth Godin, who says that it takes three years to be an overnight success, sometimes more. and that we should be patient.
But Rome also wasn’t built in a week…
Right.
So this weekend while I was teaching in San Francisco, the big thing for a lot of people I talked to seemed to be some variation on “No, really. What’s your secret?”
And not even any of my interesting secrets.**
**Like my secret to not having to buy shampoo. I just use my gentleman friend’s coffee grounds. There. No longer a secret.
No, they really just wanted to know what I did to become …
… an overnight success.
And then Sarah J. Bray who is an absolutely lovely person (and you all should be hanging out with her online), wrote a really interesting, thoughtful, astonishingly-well-researched*** piece about my … overnight success.
Well, not about the overnight-ness of it in a literal sense, but she did dedicate an entire post to reverse engineering the success story of this blog and figuring out how it happened.
***It kind of sounds like she may have read all three hundred and twelve of my posts, which is pretty hard-core. Wow. She totally gets the Fluent Self medal of perseverance.
So here is a short history of my overnight success.
And yeah, when I say “overnight success”, I’m referring to the overnight success that happened agonizingly slowly …
… over the course of the last four years.
March 2005
I’m living in a semi-abandoned not-exactly-a-squat place in East Berlin, teaching yoga and Dance of Shiva, and stepping gingerly over the junkies on the stairs.
I’ve started working on a genius system of working-on-your-stuff.
I’ve started sneaking bits of it into my yoga classes … but am mostly just furiously writing about it. And I decide that my system needs a name.
The name I come up with is an embarrassingly stupid one that I am also inordinately proud of… and I’ll only say that while Sonia Simone‘s hysterically funny guess of Soul Womb is off-target, it isn’t as nearly as off-target as one would like.
August 2005
In a bizarre and miraculous turn of events which I have already documented, I come up with the name The Fluent Self just hours before the website needs to go live.
Yes, this website — the one you’re looking at right now.
Because I’m pretty much the only, uh, “internet famous” person I know who doesn’t get a website design overhaul once a year.
September 2005
I teach a number of Fluent Self intensive workshops in Berlin. Three hours on how to use various wacky mind-body techniques (mostly mine) to change your patterns and habits.
Only a few people sign up,
But I’m doing it. And I’m excited.
December 2005
I move to San Francisco with a small suitcase and a sum of money that is so low that I don’t even want to tell you what it is.
The first edition of the Fluent Self noozletter (except that then it was still more of a “newsletter”) goes out to a grand total of five people.
June 2006
By this point I’ve been teaching classes pretty regularly all over the Bay Area. Classes on dissolving procrastination seem to be the biggest hit, as I learn the hard way.
I make some good connections.
By this point there are a hundred people who read my noozletter.
And I’ve thrown myself madly into studying everything related to business.
I take every single class the SBA has to offer. I read books ravenously. I drool over online courses and ebooks — but can’t afford them, so I keep up with the self-study.
Wherever there is free-ish information online, I absorb it, analyze it, categorize it and try to figure out if and how I can apply it to my thing, whatever that is.
June 2007
I do the smartest thing I’ve done so far — I start taking online courses.
It turns out that courses are where you meet people.
And then those people tell other people about you.
I’m still working on figuring out how to explain what I do and why it’s important, but I have clients. My workshops are doing well.
And I create my first product: Emergency Calming Techniques. And sell three copies. Whoo!
September 2007
Oh, thank goodness for the long tail. Sigh of relief.
Turns out that having products so that people don’t have to actually hire you frees up a lot of time and energy. And lets you help more of your Right People.
Rock. On.
March 2008
I get on Twitter.
All of a sudden introvert-me can hang out with pretty much whoever she wants and be a total goofball. Fun!
It turns out I like having fun way more than I like doing business-ey stuff. And it turns out that having fun is also way more effective than doing business-ey stuff.
I decide that I am going to officially give up “marketing” in favor of hanging out. Which is kind of what I was leaning towards anyway.
June 2008
My Twitter friends come and hang out with me here. More fun!
And, unlike most bloggers who are trying to figure out how to make money from blogging without a “god, you’re such a sell-out” backlash from their readers, it’s relatively smooth sailing.
That’s because I already had several products, long-term programs and an established coaching practice long before there was a blog.
So the fact that yes, you could theoretically buy things here if you wanted to was never a surprise.
July 2008
After much agonizing, I dump the noozletter.
I lose a thousand subscribers and there are a lot of people being mad at me in my inbox, but hey, I don’t have to write the noozletter anymore.
Anyway, this turns out to be the right decision for me — thanks to the magic of Twitter and the draw of the duck, pretty soon there are a few thousand more blog subscribers.
Life gets much better.
January 2009
I go on email sabbatical.
The joy!
July 2009
Hi.
So yeah. We’re here. And this blog is now kind of a second home for all sorts of interesting people.
Also, this blog pays the rent for three people and a duck.
I get to write about pretty much whatever I feel like, and — shockingly — none of my Right People seem to mind. I still work on mindfully biggifying, and at this point I’m willing to take my time with it.
Because, you know, overnight success wasn’t built overnight.

Thank yous and such.
To Sarah J. Bray (she’s @sarahjbray on Twitter) for making me stop and reflect on what happened behind the scenes.
To everyone who reads this blog and thinks about the stuff I write about.
To Selma, the best (and squeakiest!) business partner in the world.
To my gentleman friend for putting up with and believing in me when I was 100% convinced that no one would ever, ever care about the stuff I teach. And for promising that no matter what happened, I would never have to go back to bartending.
To you. Yay. You. I like you.
Comment Zen.
We’ve all got our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. And of course we don’t judge each other for having stuff.
Also, we generally try to respond to each other with as much compassion and respect as we can stand. Mensch-like: it’s how we roll.
Very Personal Ads #2: Ruby slippers, hedges and the Nataraj.
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!
Let’s do this thing.
Thing 1: Shoes for swing dancing.
Here’s what I want:
You don’t hurt my feet.
You are easy to find.
I can depend on you.
You are beautiful (and also easy to clean).
We can cut a rug like nobody’s business.
Here’s how I want it to come to me:
Someone could leave a recommendation here.
I could discover you on Twitter.
A surprise.
My commitment.
I am going to spend more time with Dancer Me instead of hiding her away in the past and in memory.
Thing 2: Less hedging.
Here’s what I want:
To get better at saying the thing I want to say without prefacing it with a bunch of disclaimers. Also known as the Hedge.
This is something I inherited from my mother and it’s also a concept that I learned about from the amazing Suzette Haden Elgin, whom I mention here pretty much all the time.
“The primary function of the Hedge is to steal the listener’s response by predicting it and announcing the prediction …. ‘I know this is a silly thing to say, but I’m afraid of plums.'”
I want to be more brave in my communication and not do quite so much of the whole “I know this is an insane thing to say but” thing.
Here’s how I want to get it:
I’m not willing to have people call me on this, because I’m already really self-conscious about it, and I can’t see how that would work without me feeling guilty and defensive at some point.
I do want more conscious awareness around it … and maybe a compassionate reminder that this is something I’m working on.
Ways this could come to me:
I don’t know.
My commitment.
I am ready to have a more conscious, intentional relationship with language.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads and what’s going on with them.
So if you remember, last week I asked for help spending more time in my Angel Refueling Station.
And I was also feeling very anxious about this big upcoming thing that I was doing in my business. Very. Stucknesses!
Here’s what happened. It’s kind of screwed up, but it’s also kind of awesome. And when I say “kind of”, I mean extremely.
I took my anxious, worried thing to the Angel Refueling Station.
Yes, I used one thing I was working on to help destuckify another thing I was working on. I know!
And the weirdest thing happened.
So the theme of my meditation was, of course, this stuck anxiety thing. And I asked to be shown what my fear of success looked like and what it needed.
The first thing I saw was this giant rock. Absolutely massive. On its back on the ground.
And I realized that it was the base of a statue. No, it was the statue. It just hadn’t been made yet. It was being worked on.
So more like a sculpture in progress. And this particular rock was known to be hard to work with and so it was taking a lot of time to come into its form.
That was my fear.
The fear of my own potential. The fear of me doing something with it. And then just as much fear that I won’t.
I asked what needed to happen… and the gigantic rock split in two. Right down the middle.
And then? Are you ready for this?
Okay. Little furry creatures begin spilling out of the belly of the rock. Mice.
Hundreds of them.
With tiny teeth and claws and incredible energy, they go straight to work on the rock. Carving the structure from both the inside and the outside.
It takes a few more surreptitious pokes and increasingly non-subtle head whacks from my subconscious for me to get it, but I finally realize that these are helper mice.
They’re my helpers.
They seal the two halves back together. They wheel the statue around. They get it upright.
Once I see the statue, I know exactly what it is and what it means.
It’s the Nataraj.
It’s the statue of dancing Shiva.
And I am standing on its base. And the mice are somehow effortlessly moving it around until it can take off on its own momentum and its own power.
And it is carrying me.
I don’t have more results than that, but it’s still pretty awesome.
The big promotion did not do nearly as well as I had hoped.
I didn’t follow most of my own rules about those things and I also (ow, the irony!) didn’t take any of the advice that I would have given someone else who was doing something similar.
But for me the big thing is that I managed to do a ton of shifting with my stucknesses that are related to my work bringing Dance of Shiva into the world.
And I was weirdly patient. And I treated the whole thing like the learning experience that it is and didn’t let not getting the hoped-for results trigger my “what’s the point” narrative.
So those are the gifts I’m taking from the Angel Refueling Station. And they’re big ones.
Comments. Since I’m already asking …
I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about I would like to receive in the comments. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of this experiment too. 🙂
Here’s what I want:
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for.
- Thoughts or ideas about ways any of the personal ads listed here could come true.
What I would rather not have:
- Reality theories.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged or psychoanalyzed.
My commitment.
I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird. I’m committing to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.
Thanks for doing this with me! You guys rock. I say that every time, but it’s true.