The Fluent Self

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

Friday Check-in #21: Melting icicles edition

by Havi Brooks | Dec 26, 2008 | updates & announcements

Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow!

Tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp!

Slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp slurp!

Okay, that’s it for the sound effects. Let’s do this thing.

The hard stuff

Going to … “the next level”

So yeah, I’ve always completely despised the expression “take it to the next level“.

It sounds so icky and marketing-ey. And boring.

It’s that thing they tell you you’re supposed to do when you’re sitting at some awful SBA seminar with a bunch of suits.

But several months ago I looked around at my business and realized that whoah, everything was completely different now. It was a new level.

And now I’m shifting into yet another one. And it’s weird.

Not growing pains, exactly. More like a headache. It’s like realizing that your kid is actually a teenager and has a driver’s license and really, you should stop making him go to bed at eight.

Stuff I’m not good at.

Working on the Next Big Thing has forced me to do two things that are challenging for me.

1. Farm out way more stuff than I’m used to.
I already have two assistants and a designer. On this project I’ve brought in a consultant and a project manager.

It’s weird, is all I’m saying.

2. Do things I don’t excel at.
I’m a big believer in letting other people do the work that you’re not good at. But in this case, it’s my vision and no one else even knows what it’s supposed to look like.

Which means I spent a lot of time this week doing a lot of strategic planning stuff and explaining stuff and taking on all sorts of other things that I find incredibly frustrating.

My gentleman friend came to the rescue more than once with acupressure, pep talks, emergency yoga sessions and piping hot comfort food, but man, this was a really hard week for me.

The good stuff

Not being sick anymore.

Turns out winter is way more fun when you’re not all headache-ey and sniffling.

You can bake bread! And make squash soup! And do yoga by the fireplace!

I even ventured into the wild, for which I’m sure you will be very proud of me.

My gentleman friend and I put on our boots and went crunching through the snow and admiring icicles and such.

We walked all the way to the cozy living room of Dana the Spicy Princess (not for anything spicy, just to hang out because we love her), and we walked to the co-op, and we jumped up and down on frozen puddles.

Good times.

Also we walked thirty blocks to see a film on Christmas. Awesome.

Teaching.

The course I’m leading based on our Blogging Therapy series is So. Much. Fun.

Honestly. I can’t believe what a great group we’ve got and what terrific stuff is coming out of it.

I’ll update you later on some of the exciting things people are doing, but for now just rejoice with me. Amazing people. Good learning. Big progress. Pleased as punch.

Hot sauce!

They had homemade hot sauce at our co-op. Like, very homemade. Possibly in a basement.

It’s called Bad Monkey by Picklopolis. And it actually says on the label: “Does not contain monkey”.

So of course we had to get a ginormous bottle and put it on everything this week.

I could not be happier.

A note from my teacher!

As some of you know, my teacher spends half the year meditating in a monastery in the Himalayas, a couple months in the Ukraine and then the rest of the time traveling around the world teaching.

So I don’t get to see him (or ask him questions) anywhere near as often as I’d like to.

Getting a New Year’s blessing from him by email was really unexpected and so so so made my week.

It is impossible for me to imagine my life without him in it, but let me just say that if we had never found each other, I would not be doing what I am now.

Nor would I have most of the information that I have to share. Nor many of the qualities that make this space what it is.

Selmakkah.

Really, who doesn’t like a festival of lights?

Because my duck is totally into it. Picture at the end of the post.

That’s it for me ….

And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.

Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.

A Selma the Duck Hannukah

Ask Havi #17: Another question about pain.

by Havi Brooks | Dec 25, 2008 | ask Havi

This is a big one.

I know we’ve had some kind of painful Ask Havi posts recently. In fact, more than one person has said that this blog has consistently made them cry over the past few weeks.

So apologies in advance. This is a hard question, beautifully asked. And it’s an important answer. I’m going to do my best.

Please keep in mind: this is not a complete answer. I’m sharing with you the parts that I believe could be most useful to you in your own practice.

Love to everyone on this Christmas Day (or Shenanigans Day as some of us are calling it — see the comments of yesterday’s post if this makes no sense).

A question

Hi Havi,

I’m nowhere near as eloquent as many of the people who read your blog and send you awesomely written stuff but I’m hoping this will catch your attention. If only because I am stuck beyond stuck. I am stuck squared.

With the Dance of Shiva practice and reading a lot of great blogs, I’ve been discovering a lot, but at this point I feel like I’ve dug a deeper hole and no one is around to help me out. And I just don’t have the energy, motivation or feeling that I can do it on my own.

I’ve figured out that I am very very lonely. And that many of the things I’ve done and decisions I’ve made in my life were rooted in this loneliness and trying to make it go away.

The guilt I feel for some of the things I did is always there, like plastic wrap all over my body that is making it hard for me to breathe. But most of the time, I pretend it’s not there.

The thing is, I didn’t do anything really bad, I don’t feel like a bad person but that I affected people – maybe in the wrong way – all to make myself feel better, less lonely.

You see, I don’t remember a whole lot from my childhood and what I do remember is vague and brings up a lot of yuckiness, extreme feelings of loneliness. Then I find myself saying “come on, others had it way worse than you – don’t be a victim and get over yourself already“.

I know this is a pattern and I need to be okay with where I am but ugh…stuck.

So, what I’m wondering is whether or not I need to remember stuff from my past to understand the patterns. Can we figure stuff out without really knowing what we went through exactly?

My mother told me something that happened when I was very young and I have no recollection of it at all, and it was pretty bad. She says that I don’t remember much of my childhood because I’m blocking it out, that it would be too hard for me to handle. It’s not like I was in the worst situation or anything but I just never felt I had anyone to comfort me to be there for me.

I’m afraid that if I try to remember, I will do irreparable harm to my relationship with her but I also want to move forward.

Thanks so much for your help with everything and for deciding to put yourself out there for all of us.

And an answer

Hi sweetie.

First of all, big hug. Safety and solace and connection to you.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot to deal with right now. I’m hearing that you’re feeling a lot of pain and a lot of fear about where interacting with it could lead.

There are really two questions here. (Well, there are more than two, but there are two I can try to answer right now.)

One is “should I try to remember the fear and pain?”

The other is “should I try to understand the fear and pain?”

These are two different things so let’s take them one at a time.

First question: Should I try to remember the fear and pain?

No. Definitely not.

I want to say this twice — at least — because it’s so important.

You do not need to remember the pain in order to heal.

You do not need to remember the pain in order to heal. This is a huge misconception.

You could have total amnesia and could still work on yourself and your patterns to the point that you’d be able to resolve your present moment stucknesses.

Without ever necessarily remembering what happened.

It is not vital that you remember it. It might happen at some point as a result of part of the healing process, but it is not necessary that this happen.

You already have the tools you need.

What’s important is that you have the tools you need right now to work on your stuff. You may not always feel like you’re able to access them, but they’re there.

You have many gifts and strengths right now, and one of the most important ones is the power of observation.

You can learn and practice the ability to gain a little distance from your pain by — paradoxically — allowing it to be there.*

You have the ability to journal and document your thoughts and feelings, to observe what triggers you and what comforts you.

You have the ability to practice being kinder to yourself. To notice which patterns are self-destructive and to remind yourself that you won’t always have these patterns.

You have the ability to give yourself permission to not remember and to not have to remember.

I’m not advocating that you try and repress it — god forbid. Just that you release any shoulds that say you need to relive it.

If a memory comes up on its own, this could be a healing experience. But you can absolutely heal without having to go back into the pain.

*These concept of getting closer to yourself through moving away from the pain, and moving away from the pain by giving it permission to be there … this is something I’ve written about quite a bit. Some stuff to read:

Second question: Should I try to understand the fear and pain?

Maybe.

If understanding the fear and pain is part of trying to treat yourself with love and understanding — and it’s something that’s possible for you, then yes.

It might well be that as part of this process of giving yourself love, you will get better at being able to relate to some of the pain and the fear.

You might end up with much more understanding for yourself, and if so, that’s great.

What I think you “should do”, if you’re asking me … is to practice being kind and patient with yourself. If you can. Not to force it.

But if you can stand to have a little more niceness in your life, to give yourself as much as you can bear.

You’ve been through some really hard stuff, and whether you remember it or not, some part of this experience is still messing with you. That means that part of your life work is to unravel some of the guilt and the pain and forgive yourself for being human.

What does this mean — to unravel the guilt and the fear and the pain?

I can only tell you what it means to me.

You may not know this but I share a lot of your history. The things I don’t remember. And the guilt over decisions made or actions taken later on that were based on related pain and fear.

What this means for me is that a huge chunk of my own self-work process is working through that pain and vulnerability. And the guilt.

Sometimes this means recognizing that hey, I’m afraid of things that other people aren’t afraid of and that’s okay.

I’m not going to let anyone else tell me that my fear isn’t reasonable. Of course it’s reasonable.

It’s reasonable because it’s mine. It may be temporary, yes. It may be something that I’m able to resolve, but if it’s real for me, it’s legitimate.

Sometimes this means allowing myself to be sad without knowing why. If I need to mourn something from my past, I can do that.

Sometimes it means recognizing that in this moment I am feeling too angry and too upset to be able practice forgiveness. In that case, I practice allowing myself to have this anger for now.

Sometimes it means recognizing that it really is time to forgive myself. And so I practice. If I can.

But I’m really patient with myself. I don’t ask myself for more than I can give. I ask for help when I need help.

And hugs when I need hugs. And for people to leave me the hell alone when I need to be alone.

One more point about the stuck.

You said, “I need to be okay with where I am but ugh…stuck.”

Aha! That is your clue, my dear.

You do not “need” to be okay with where you are. You are ALLOWED to NOT be okay with where you are. It is natural and normal that you are in resistance. Of course you’re not okay with where you are.

This resistance is creating the stuck. So agree to the resistance — to the fact that it’s there right now. You’re entitled to be in resistance. It makes sense that you have resistance.

All the other healing you need will come to you.

It will come from your decision right now that you’re ready for it to happen. It’s coming right now from you asking for what you need and agreeing that it’s time for things to start moving and shifting.

You don’t have to remember. You don’t have to do anything. Practicing being ready to accept kindness is enough. And if you’re not there yet, you’re not there yet.

It will come.

Love to you.

And to everyone reading. If you have something kind and supportive to share with the brave writer of this letter, I’d love it if you would share it here.

And a tiny postscript and some more links:

I know there’s a plug-in that recommends related posts, but here’s some other stuff I’ve written that might be really helpful for you to read:

Item! #6! Merry! Happy! Etcetera!

by Havi Brooks | Dec 24, 2008 | stuff I think about

Fluent Self Item! A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.

Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.

Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.

Still no plans for tomorrow. My gentleman friend and I will probably just take advantage of the One Day Of The Year that we don’t get insane amounts of email … to get some work done.

Or run around in the snow.

And play Boggle. And eat latkes. But not all at the same time.

Item! No matter how great your business name, prepare to confuse people!

So … you may remember the story of how the Fluent Self got its spots in which I tell the backstory to the naming process.

Well, I’ve been going through old correspondence as part of my Jen-Hofmann-inspired Clearing Out Of Things I No Longer Need.

And among the many highly entertaining things I’ve found were 1. a series of letters from the State of California Board of Equalization addressed to The Fluent Shelf …

… and 2. a picture of the giant, fancy, expensive checkbook from WaMu with thousands of checks, each inscribed with the name The Fluent Sefl.

In completely unrelated news, I wish you all an abundance of sefl-awareness and shelf-confidence this year.

Item! How to screw up the concept of “business cards”!

Here’s the thing. They’re supposed to bring you business.

My first week in Portland I picked up a business card that was displayed at a local business. It was pretty. I was intrigued.

Not so much by the pretty as the fact that it didn’t say what this person actually did.

There was a woman’s name, an email address (a hotmail address, for shame!), a phone number and a website that was the same as the name.

But nothing else that would hint at why I was supposed to email her, call her or go to her website. I mean, it’s a headscratcher. Clearly you want me to contact you as you’ve given me three different ways to do it, but where’s the part about what happens when I do it?

Still, on the offchance that is was a weird marketing gimmick and not stupidity, I went to the website. I did. Most people wouldn’t have, but I am a rather extraordinary person, as I keep telling you.

Unfortunately the website was just a “sorry, we’re in construction” placeholder. I put a little note on her card and put it in a folder to follow up with. That was in March. I went again today and the site is still under construction.

So WHY for the love of all that is good are you spending money on business cards? Give that money to your web designer so she can finish your site.

Or, if you must get your business cards ready for the public, just keep them in a coat pocket in case someone asks you for contact info but don’t start planting them places.

*tears hair*

Item! Ghosts don’t like being sprayed!

Black Hockey Jesus wrote a sweet post last week about his daughter who had a ghost in her nap. Named Larry.

He gave her lovely advice, but check out this brilliant solution (tee hee, I made a pun) from Anndi in the comments:

We used *ghost-be-gone* spray. Basically, water, vanilla extract and sparkles in a spray bottle. It worked!

Genius. I am going to have my gentleman friend prepare a bottle for me.

Item! Pretty!

I want to move into Lucy’s textile studio.

Item! Fat, happy yoga women!

They’re fat, happy and they do yoga.

Okay, so I’m not sure who would actually buy something like this but I have to say I do like the concept. Take that, stupid Yoga Journal and every other yoga magazine who thinks that it would be inspiring for us to look at a bunch of barbie dolls. Ugh.

But yay for fat happy yoga women!

Via Coach Anne Kaplan

Indeed.

Move along. There’s nothing more to see here. That’s all the exclamation points you’ll get from me today.

Until next Wednesday.

I’ll be here tomorrow (possibly being deep and insightful but I don’t want to make any promises or anything).

If you’re celebrating something, make it a happy one. And if not, come keep me and my duck company while everyone’s away!

Blogging Therapy: Reader’s Choice

by Havi Brooks | Dec 23, 2008 | biggification

And now for something ~~completely~~ slightly different …

For number twelve in our weekly series about taking the scary out of blogging, I’m responding to a few of the questions from participants in the Screw Therapy Start Blogging course this past weekend.

You know, questions we didn’t get around to because we were ~~having too much fun~~ covering so much material.

And just to remind you, none of this stuff is really about blogging. It’s all about patterns, and where they show up in your life.

You can catch up if you like (you don’t have to!) — here’s the rest of the series:
Part 1. What if people are mean to me?
Part 2. What if I throw a party and no one shows up?
Part 3. Why even bother when there are already other people doing it better?
Part 4. What do I saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?
Part 5. Help! Perfectionism! Gaaaaak!
Part 6. But I’m not an EXPERT!
Part 7. Don’t make me be vulnerable!
Part 8. I just don’t have the time!
Part 9. What if someone READS what I wrote?
Part 10. But I’ll never be popular!
Part 11. De-shouldifying.

Questions. Questions. Questions.

“But how narcissistic to have a blog about ME.”

Okay, this one wasn’t really a question.

The woman writing meant to ask something completely different. This was a total aside. But it needs to be answered so I’m treating it like a question.

No sweetie, it’s not narcissistic to have a blog about YOU!

How else will people be able to learn from you if they can’t connect to you?

We all live at the heart of our blogs. Pam is at the heart of her blog. Naomi is at the heart of her blog. Selma and I are at the heart of mine.

In fact, you kinda have to be at the heart of yours. Otherwise, why would we show up to learn from you?

In order for your blog to be a safe, cozy place for people to show up with their stuff, you have to be very present. You need to set the space. And in order for that to work, it needs to be about you too. It’s your space. Of course it’s about you

I wrote a post a few months ago about why you can’t overdose on introspection — maybe that will cheer you up a bit too.

“Will it hurt me if I use a pseudonym?”

From one of the course participants:

“What’s your view of blogging using a screen name or a pseudonym?

The fear I have of being visible has a big emotional component, but also has a practical component.

My transition from a corporate career into unrelated psychotherapy/associated cool careers is a multi-year one, so in the meantime, I’d like to fly under the radar in my old world.

But I also know that in the “social media” world, being authentic and transparent contributes hugely to success, maybe even being detrimental if one is non-transparent like hiding behind a screen name / pseudonym?”

My short answer would be … it depends.

Lots of people — not just Black Hockey Jesus — use a screen name, a nickname or some variation of a pseudonym with great success.

In this particular case, your fear is acting as a barrier from even getting started.

So (personally) I think it would be absolutely fine if you start that way to get used to feeling your way into things.

At the same time, in your particular case, as you’re trying to — eventually — establish expertise and move into a new field, it’s going to be important to own your name so that your career can go along with it.

But for now you might as well start just by being “________” (first name only) and then kinda ease your way into it.

You know, when I started my site, I didn’t want to have a picture or a phone number and then later those things didn’t worry me anymore and I made changes.

So … I would say, do what you have to do now to help yourself feel safe and supported, while keeping in mind that as you grow it, it will involve some coming out of the closet, which (she types hopefully) by that point won’t be as frightening and intimidating as it is now.

Basically, it’s “do a practical compromise right now while you work on the emotional stuff” … and then see where it goes from there. Is that helpful? I hope so!

“I’ve heard you’re supposed to start with ‘practice articles’ and I don’t want to!”

“Occasionally I’ve had the thought that I would be better off just starting, rather than pre-writing some “practice” articles (if I don’t just go for it, I’ll never DO it). Am I crazy?”

Oh, not crazy at all!

Not everyone needs practice articles. Some people do. But it sounds like what you need is someone to give you permission to just start. So …

Just start!

Seriously, you know best.

And you know what? You can always go back and delete a post or edit it if it turns out you don’t like it.

“But I don’t have the name yet!”

“If I start now, and I wind up going with a different business name or whatever (changing URLs?), is that going to make a big mess of things?”

No.

Your original domain can always be redirected to the new one, so you’re not trapped by your first choice. I spent about three months agonizing over whether my blog should be here at The Fluent Self or not.

Or if it should be HaviBrooks.com because I wanted to also write personal things, or if it should be at MindfulBiggification.com and have a business angle. Blah blah blah. Process process process.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time whining about this to Nathan Bowers who probably gave me better advice than I’m giving you, but ultimately just told me to shut up and that everything would be fine. And he was right.

Anyway, right now HaviBrooks.com redirects to Fluent Self.

If you already have a domain that people are visiting, then stick your blog there. You already have traffic and attention, so keep that momentum. No reason to start shuffling people around to different places if they’re already congregating somewhere.

If you don’t have a place that’s a hangout already, you can use your name for the domain. Or choose a less-than-perfect name — and when you come up with a better one later, you can set up a redirect.

And when you do come up with something great, put it in the header or make it your tagline, so it gets its share of love and attention. But really, in most cases you won’t need to start changing things around too drastically.

I don’t think it’s a reason to delay. I mean, yes, I did think that. But now I kind of wish I hadn’t! 🙂

Bonus piece of advice, again thanks to Nathan. I had forgotten to buy TheFluentSelf.com in addition to FluentSelf.com.

Nathan told me horror stories about super famous people finding out that the “the” version of their name had been taken by evil squatters who were siphoning off their traffic. Fastest domain buy ever.

Be smart.

“What if I can’t come up with posts consistently?”

This was something I spent an obscene amount of time worrying about before I started the blog, and haven’t thought about a single time since!

But if it does happen, give yourself some love. And patience. And time. It does take a while to find your voice and get into a rhythm. It’s a practice.

Also keep in mind that sometimes a post can really just be a response you wrote to someone in an email. Or a thought you had. Or a link to something interesting you read.

Or I can give a list of oh, about a hundred post ideas I have that I still haven’t done anything with.

Not to mention the enormous and ever-growing pile of Ask Havi questions gathering dust in a folder. Just kidding — not going to farm out the Ask Havis.

But seriously, if you’re really not coming up with post ideas, you’re going to have to give in and start doing my wacky yoga brain training stuff so you can start making some crazy neural connections.

I promise that Shiva Nata will take care of the “I don’t have post ideas” problem.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you. Because it will replace it with the “I have too many ideas for posts” problem. Which is a much bigger question and we’ll … uh … have to deal with that one later. *scrambles to find a solution*

That’s it for now!

Next week we’ll be back to a more traditional Blogging Therapy post.

In the meantime … Selma and I aren’t going anywhere over the holidays and it only takes a couple of minutes to light Hannukah candles … so, you know, we’ll be around.

Goofing it up tomorrow, something a bit more serious for Thursday and then … good grief, Friday Chicken. Again!

Good luck to my Blogging Therapy course participants and to all the other readers who are secretly working on blogging it up over their holiday break.

Can’t wait to see what happens!

Ask Havi #16: Holiday Loneliness

by Havi Brooks | Dec 22, 2008 | ask Havi

The holidays tend to trigger — in all of us — all sorts of uncomfortable stuff.

Today’s Ask Havi comes from a woman in an especially tough spot.

I will do what I can to come up with a kind of abridged survival guide to help her through this lonely time.

And if you would read her words and send her some love and affection and warmth … that would be a wonderful, beautiful thing.

Hi Havi. This is an “ask Havi” email. This is me trying to meet myself where I am and to ask for help. It’s hard!

But given that you’re a great advice-giver and have experience offering support around yoga/meditation routines, I thought I’d see.

I am grieving. The December holiday is grueling for me in so many ways. The long and short of it is my mother passed away 5 years ago a couple weeks before Dec 25. Since then, I avoid that holiday like the plague.

My father passed away a few years before her. My sister has moved to a dingy, dark single-wide trailer on a dirt road in the bowels of Maine with a husband I dislike. And traveling this time of year makes me shudder.

I moved away from the west coast and my lovely friends/family a few years ago, and I’m a poor grad student and can’t get back there this time of year. So I feel totally stuck.

My gentleman friend is away over the holidays, and I didn’t want to glum-up his holiday with my gloominess and brooding. So I’m alone (well, I have a pug dog).

My question (after that mini-life story) is what strategies would you recommend with respect to meditation/yoga to get “through” those difficult days?

I have practiced vinyasa yoga for years, so I’m experienced (whatever that means), and I have a meditation altar set up in my bedroom. I try to sit for a few minutes a day, but it’s usually in my office at work rather than at home!

Gah, sorry this is longer than I meant it to be. I was considering following the meditation mini-retreat Susan Piver lays out in How Not to be Afraid of Your Own Life, but I don’t know her from jack. I feel like I “know” you better.

Do you have any suggestions for a specific routine that would help me make a home within myself for the holidays?

Thanks as always for your fun and challenging insights!

Let’s just start with a hug.

Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry.

Sounds like you’re feeling really anxious that your sadness is going to … I want to say “devour you”, that might not be the right phrasing … to be too much for you.

So I just want you to know that we’re all here witnessing your losses and your sadness, and sending you comfort. You’ve been through a lot of hard.

And right now is where you’re really experiencing it, so you are right to ask for help.

Memories, loneliness, sadness, isolation, not knowing, a whole bunch of shoulds.

You already know what you need.

In fact, you’ve already zeroed in on the biggest point that I could make. That this is not about solving something or fixing something. That it’s about — in your own words — something that would help you “make a home within myself for the holidays.”

To help me make a home within myself.

Making a home within myself. That concept is so so beautiful. And that is exactly the point.

I had a spiritual teacher in Tel Aviv. But before she was my teacher, my friend Sivan dragged me to a lecture of hers.

I didn’t want to go. I wanted to sit around drinking tea and feeling sorry for myself, but once I realized that Sivan wasn’t going to let up, I made a wish that I’d get some sort of insight into my immigrant-trauma “I never feel at home” issues.

And the first thing this woman said was “If you don’t feel at home in yourself, you’ll never feel comfortable anywhere.”

Making a home inside yourself is big crazy deep life work. I’m not going to make any promises. I’m just glad we have a direction. So let’s see what we can do.

Time for a plan!

Here’s what you’re going to need.

A cute pug dog. Check.
Candles. Lots of them.
Music that you like.
A notebook or journal.

We have a couple of goals here.

One is pure survival. We want to get you through this slice of hard in one piece. But another goal is to begin creating the kind of rituals that will support you in the process of making this home within yourself. A support network of rituals.

Here are the rules:

do it

you

ask for help

A couple of things to consider …

Change the name.
Instead of thinking of this holiday time only in the sense of “crap, I need to keep it together”, can we rename it?

Can this be a chunk of time that you are consciously, actively taking in order to work on some of your pain by giving yourself rest and love?

Can we make this a kind of healing vacation from life? Instead of this being about abandonment and emptiness, can we also make it be a time for intentional cocooning?

Extend your practice.
You already have a strong regular yoga practice. Set a specific time for it.

Maybe you’ll want two practices a day since you’re doing this self-retreat thing. Maybe one will need to be a bit softer and the other a bit more vigorous. You’ll see.

Make sure you have music you like. Candles. Create a sanctuary.

Soften your practice.
In addition to the grounding that your yoga will be giving you, you’re going to need some extra shavasana.*

*Intentional relaxation time, for those of you who don’t do the whole yoga thing.

When things are tough — actually, before they get tough if you can catch it in time — recline on the floor and cover yourself with a bunch of blankets. Remind yourself that you are giving yourself time to breathe.

You’re giving yourself time to figure out what this new internal home is going to look like. How it’s going to feel. What you’re going to need.

Don’t force the meditation.
If you feel drawn to it or you feel like it’s helping then yes. Use it. But really, this whole week is about introspection, reflection, quietude. And it’s for you.

So no need to overdo it. No need to turn it into a should. If you’re able to sit quietly and breathe, give yourself this time. And if not, that’s fine too.

Write write write.
Get out that journal.

I’m a big fan of just scribbling it all out, but if you’d prefer some more structure, here are some “assignments” (writing prompts) that you can work with over the coming week if you’d like:

Describe your new internal home. What does it look like? What will it look like? How does it feel to be there? How would you like to feel while you’re there?
Write a letter to your loneliness. Tell it what you’re going to need in order to move through this. Ask it what it needs to tell you in order to start healing.
Create a list of all the internal and external resources and sources of strength that you have available to you.
Make a wishlist of the qualities and experiences you would like to access, receive or have in your life in the coming year.

Dance dance dance.
Turn up the music. Close the curtains. Turn off the lights. Leave a couple candles so you don’t trip over stuff.

And rock the hell out.

And don’t forget to ask for help!
Let people in on your pain. They don’t have to soak in it or anything, but they need to know that it’s there.

Tell your gentleman friend about some of what you’re going to. Does he even know that you care for him so much that you would never want to glum up anything for him?

Does he know that you might need to call him and that you might be feeling sad, but that it’s also important to you that he enjoy his holiday time?

I know it’s hard to share these things, but anyone who is going to share other parts of your life needs to know when you need extra love and support.

Maybe the perfect Christmas present from your west coast friends might just be a phone call. Ask for one. You’re allowed to say “Listen, I feel like crap and I’ll probably just cry the whole time and it won’t be any fun for you, but I’d love it if you would call because I could really use some cheering up.”

This is one of the hardest things to ask for, as we don’t want the people who love us to worry or to see how weak we’re feeling.

But really, that is what friends are for. That’s one of the reasons that we create friendships. You would totally show up to handhold and be a shoulder to cry on for any of them. Part of friendship also means asking for what you need.

From them and from yourself.

I think you’re going to be okay.

This is the hard part. You’re right there in the hard.

Every truly interesting person in this world goes through the hard. You’ll come through on the other side. And not only that, but you’ll have a safe home inside of you that you can always count on.

We’re all with you. We’re all going to be thinking of you and rooting for you and sending more love and support to your Internal Retreat.

And I’ll be giving you a copy of Emergency Calming Techniques as a Christmas present. Read the ebook later for extra destuckification. For now, just listen to one of the audio recordings every day before bed and when you wake up. And whenever else as needed.

You’re a strong, creative, thoughtful person. I can tell that just from reading your email and not knowing a single thing about you. You’re going to be okay.

Thanks to everyone else for witnessing this pain and this process.

And you know, I find it oddly reassuring that people who have never met me or even emailed still feel like they know me well enough to trust that this space — the one that we’re all making together — can actually help.

Wishing strength, comfort, love, support and whatever else you need to every single person who reads this.

« Older Entries

Next Entries »