What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Don’t make me say it!
Is there any modern word more dopey and irritating than “blogoversary“?
Well, aside from “marketing” and “coach” and “networking” and stuff like that …
I think not.
Still, here we are. And I’m pretty excited about it!
Today marks 6 WHOLE MONTHS of blogging it up at The Fluent Self!
And if I had an enormous red typeface I’d be using it.
But I don’t. And I probably wouldn’t.
Moving on. Let’s talk numbers, baby.
- 136 published posts (including this one)
- 40 pages
- 1,091 comments (from actual people who are not a. robots or b. trying to promote themselves in a ridiculously over-the-top way)
- 2,681 spamtastic comments caught by Akismet (yay, Akismet)
- 1 comment by Seth Godin *swoon*
- And … weirdest search term ever that someone (who can’t spell, I’m assuming) used to get here: “How do I make my duck more bigger?” Oh yeah.
Ooh, I should probably also mention that my Alexa ranking is, of this writing, a shockingly rock-star-sensational #103,272. It was over 5 million when I launched the blog.
And (chorus) that’s why everyone should have a WordPress (.org) blog.
Just saying.
Things you probably don’t know about this blog.
- I’ve done ZERO promotion. No “get X number of subscribers in Y amount of time” campaigns. No “strategic” commenting. Pretty much the only place I even mention it is on Twitter. Weird, I know.
- My gentleman friend calls it my Blarg. This, of course, cracks me up.
- Selma gets more fanmail than I do. Having a duck might actually be the secret to blog success. Do not do this, though, or she will come and have words with you.
- All of my made-up words (biggify, destuckification, helper mouse, etc) have totally propagated around the internet, to the point that no one even remembers that I made them up. Which is bizarre, yes, but very, very cool.
- This blog has inspired at least eight people that I know of to start blogging it up themselves. HOORAY for that! Awesome.
People I need to thank …
Okay, let’s try and keep this short, acceptance-speech-style.
- Kelly Parkinson from Copylicious. She’s the one who bullied me into starting this blog to begin with.
- Nathan Bowers, WordPress consultant to the stars. He gave me so much good advice pre-launch and still does. I owe him bigtime.
- The GirlPie. Mz GirlPie — mysterious commenter of the night — was one of the first regular commenters here and full of encouragement and good advice when I was still feeling my way into it.
- Andy Wibbels — for inspiring me to start blogging in the first place.
- Pam Slim — for being a wonderful friend and whispering sweet nothings in my ear at the right times.
- Mark Silver — for steady encouragement and genius techniques and for occasionally popping over for a spontaneous afternoon chat.
- Naomi Dunford — for being my internet crush and my champion. For spending hours on the phone with me giggling hysterically and for regularly sending all her smart, nutty, wonderful readers over here.
- The best designer in the entire world — for being a creative genius and for putting up with me and for making all the gorgeous icons. Anything that looks good here is because of Richard.
- Everyone I know on Twitter. I’d spent two and a half years building a noozletter list before I started the blog and most of that list wasn’t interested in hanging out here. Nor were my friends. So if it hadn’t been for Twitter-folk, it could have been pretty lonely here.
Okay, I’ll stop now.
Not blogging, of course. Tfu tfu tfu. Heck, I’m not even planning on stopping this post just yet. I’m just done listing every single person who’s been a part of creating this crazy thing.
Because otherwise this could get long. Even for me.
But I do have to say that so many incredible and unexpected things have resulted from this experiment so far.
Selma and I have gotten to eat biscuits with people I’ve long admired from afar. Like Colleen the Communicatrix and Jennifer “Oh how I love that woman!” Louden.
We’ve also met (though not yet in person) some super-neat, creative, fun, nutty, wonderful people like Chris Zydel and Kate Harding and James the Dancing Geek and far too many to list here.
But most of all, this whole blogging thing has reminded me that I’m a writer first.
It’s reminded me that the creative process of putting words to the page — even if that page is somewhat pixelated — is something that sustains me. And it’s that understanding which has shifted the balance in my business.
Sure, there’s more of an emphasis on steadily, regularly giving to others in the form of information and concepts and techniques. But it’s also more about taking care of myself.
This blog has become therapist and companion and friend not just to a ton of people around the world, but to me.
And that is really something.
I can’t thank you enough.
You guys rock.
And raising my glass of grapefruit juice to the next anniversary (I said that horrible word once and now I never have to say it again), I say:
Love and contentment to you!
Thanks for being a part of my Blarg …
Havi (and Selma the duck)
Friday Check-in #15: the “take that!” edition
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Best. Friday. Ever.
I’m so excited about Northwest Knockdown (3 days of Roller Derby championship in Portland!) — and the extreme ass-kicking about to take place — that I can hardly get it together to chicken check in with you.
Root for my girls, okay? Not like they need it. But just in case.
Okay, let’s do this.
The hard stuff
Being about to move but not moving yet.
We move this Tuesday. Tooooozday. You-snooze-you-lose day. I’m-not-such-a-big-fan-of-Tom-Cruise-day.
The whole thing is making me a little crazed. Can you tell?
And since I’ve fallen in love with this dreamboat house (thanks, magical personal ad), the yearning and pining stuff is getting a little hard to take.
I keep walking over and gazing at it longingly. And then running away before someone calls the cops. Lovely. May also have to serenade it John Cusack-style.
Homesick.
Obviously this whole rooted grounding thing I’m doing with the move and all is very heavy and symbolic for me. Powerful stuff.
So — of course — the more I do it, the more I miss Tel Aviv.
In a heart-hurting, child-whining “I just wanna go hoooooooooooooooome!” sort of way.
And not just the city (the city!) but my friends there and my old neighborhood and my extended family and being able to say what I think the second it comes into my head and a million other little things.
It’s been almost four years since I left. It’s probably time for a visit. We’ll see. I don’t really want to talk about it.
So let’s move on to the good.
The good stuff
I got to meet Jeff!
Jeff Moriarty is a Twitter friend.
If Twitter is my favorite place to hang out online and @jmoriarty is one of my favorite people there … well, you can imagine how cool that makes him.
Anyway he was visiting Portland and came all the way across town in the rain to have a hot drink with me. And it was completely delightful.
He’s as great in person as he is in 140-character bits-of-genius, and I pretty much did not stop laughing the entire time.
You know, the internet has been good to me in so many ways. And I’ve been able to meet so many incredible people … getting to hang out with some of them in person is such a treat. Hooray!
Speaking of Twitter …. hilarity and goofiness ensue!
One of the best parts of Twitter is that it’s a space where I can be completely kooky and ridiculous in ways that I probably wouldn’t here.
After my rant this Wednesday making fun of evil, manipulative marketing-based yoga “lumberjack” yoga, a bunch of Twitter friends started riffing with me.
It started — how could it not — with “Monty Python’s infamous I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay” theme.
Then someone had the brilliant idea that we should produce an over-the-top yoga-lumberjack-themed Broadway musical. And then we started planning it.
And tagging our little missives with the (semi-obscene) #lumberjackyogabroadwaymusicalpr0n
Some of the highlights of our, um, conversation. You’ll probably never speak to me again.
dancing_geek: @sparkyfirepants *joins in at back* He’s a lumberjack and he is fab, sun salutaions work his abs…
sparkyfirepants: @havi I’m having visions of opening night.
heatherartworks: @sparkyfirepants @havi @dancing_geek – I am intrigued by this musical you are putting together #lumberjackyogabroadwaymusicalpr0n
sparkyfirepants: @heatherartworks @havi you don’t even have to harmonize as long as you can breathe correctly while swinging an ax.
melle: @havi @heatherartworks I was a transvestite lumberjack for Hallowe’en one year, and was a theatre student. Can I play?
And so on. I dearly love Twitter. It keeps me sane. You should be playing with us. We’re holding lumberjack tryouts next week.
This has nothing to do with Twitter, I promise.
This week I also experienced the most amazing healing session ever.
I’ve had all kinds of “wacky energy healing” stuff done that has been oh, less than impressive, but the work Hiro Boga does is freaking INCREDIBLE.
Seriously. Here website does not do her justice at all. I got a shocking amount of blocked stuff sorted out — things I’ve been working on for what seems like forever.
It was absolutely beautiful and I pretty much cried to myself the whole time and for three days straight I felt safe and happy and motivated and GOOD and CLEAN — and even now I can’t stop smiling just thinking about it.
I’m still boggling at how amazing it was.
You should probably go do a session before I convince her that she should be multiplying that price by three.
Unintentional awesome testimonial of the week!
From LeAnne McDaniel at Write On Communications (with permission):
“For whatever reason, maybe through your hypnotic marketing (grin), I trust you.
You sound like you have your shit together — you know, in the way that you don’t always have your shit together, but you’re mostly okay with that.
I want that.”
That is wonderful. Love it.
In fact, I think I want THAT to be my new tagline or something.
“Havi Brooks: she doesn’t always have her shit together, but she’s mostly okay with that.”
That is the most pure-hearted and weirdly flattering testimonial I’ve ever gotten.
Rock. On.
And really, how can I not leave you with this?
How can I not?
That’s it for me ….
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
Saying no. Feeling awful about saying no.
I took a day off yesterday. It wasn’t the fun kind of day off.
(Though yeah, it is possible that some fun was had.)
It was the kind of day off that you take when you realize that if you don’t stop working right this second you are going to get sick.
I was going to have to take my father’s advice.
As my father likes to say:
“Take that mental health day before it takes you.”
Of course, it didn’t feel so much like a mental health day as an “I really, really, really don’t want to get a cold” day, but these tend to be more closely related than we’d like.
And granted, any advice from my father is a tad suspect …
Especially since he also says things like “Don’t be silly — stress is good for you!” and “Don’t underestimate the power of worrying!” and “I spent the whole day in crisis mode! It was fantastic!”.
It’s my experience, though that this particular bit of wisdom is quite sound.
All that to say that I gave myself permission to blow off work yesterday, which gave me ample time to devote to figuring out what was going on. And it boiled down to this:
I need to get better at saying no and feeling okay about it.
I’ve gotten pretty good at turning down new projects. I’m also (finally) okay with not giving my products away to everyone who wants a freebie copy.
But not giving help to every single person who wants it and asks for it … oh this is so hard!
I talk so much about the art of the ask and how we all need to get better at asking. Still standing by that.
And now it’s time for me to also get better at finding different ways to be helpful.
Yesterday was Wednesday and I’d already given away over five hours of my time this week. You know how it is. Readers wanting advice on things that just wouldn’t be appropriate to answer in an Ask Havi post. Friends wanting business advice. Like that.
Almost all of these were things that — taken alone — would have been fine. Me giving joyfully from my heart. Perfect.
Taken together … all of a sudden I was feeling tired and depleted. And what surfaced for me was the resentment coming up that my own projects weren’t getting the love and attention that they deserve.
Where the breakdown happens.
All of a sudden five hours seemed like a lot of productive time that, especially when you factor in that a lot of my time is taken up with clients and communicating with my team and stuff.
You start calculating the time that could be going to your own business multiplied by your hourly rate and this starts to get pretty depressing. And that time is actually much more valuable than that if you’re spending it (as I do) on developing products and programs that support your entire business.
Add to that the realization that, as my business grows like crazy (yay — not complaining), the number of people wanting from me is just going to go up and up and up …
Well, no wonder that I desperately wanted to hide under the covers.
Middle ground: what does that even look like?
Luckily there are a couple of things that are already showing up to help out.
In addition to my virtual assistant who takes care of most of my administrative tasks, I recently hired a personal assistant specifically to handle a huge chunk of customer support stuff and take on mini-projects.
She’s lovely and she totally gets what I’m trying to do in the world. *happy sigh*
Also I have a huge and awesome thing coming up that’s going to launch in about six weeks that I’ll be able to refer people to.
That way, I won’t have to say “Sorry, you really have to hire me for that” but “Here’s a (useful, helpful, very, very affordable) place where I answer questions like that.”
But what came up for me yesterday while I was meditating and pondering and yoga-ing around this issue was that I’m still feeling awkward and uncomfortable about not just helping everyone who wants my help. I’m a helper mouse. That’s my thing.
Wackiness: it always helps.
What that looked like this time: meditation plus tapping on acupressure points plus guided relaxation plus some weird made-up rituals that I’d rather not go into.
In retrospect it seems obvious that if I really wanted a clear answer right away, I should have done Dance of Shiva for that, but I was feeling petulant and irritable as it was.
Anyway, what came up for me in meditation were two concepts:
Clarity. And Safety.
So I asked myself what it would look like if I had more of these two qualities in my life. Or if I could access them more often. Or if I could trust that they were already there.
Stuff like that. And four answers — “bits of information” — came out of the asking:
- I need to feel safe remembering that I cannot help everyone and that my own emotional comfort needs to come first.
- Are you ready to see all the support you already have around you and to lean into it more? Because all you need to do is to say yes to it.
- It is time for me to get better at speaking my piece.
- Sometimes it’s important to put things where they belong.
That last one was the least clear of all four pieces. To the point that I wrinkled my nose and said “Haenh?”
(That’s how you say “Huh?” in German and it’s really a much better way of expressing irritated bewilderment than anything I could say in English. Trust me on that.)
Putting things where they belong …
Right. I totally had no idea what that meant. So I tried to figure out what might happen if I already knew what it meant to put things where they belonged.
Instant information.
For one thing, I realized that instead of filling out that ridiculous form that had me grumbling all day about how people trying to be “efficient” actually creates more work, I could have just had my assistant shoot back an email, saying (nicely, though):
“Here’s the one piece of information you need from me — everything else you requested is in the sigfile on every Fluent Self email.
And instead of trying to help my friends with every aspect of their new businesses I could ask them to write up a list of their questions and try to answer them in blog posts when I have time.
Maybe even write a series on business-building and how not to screw it up. Hmmmm.
Also: instead of passing out problem-solving to everyone who needs it, I could admit that the Ask Havi line is already several months long and that I’m flooded.
And/or let them know that really, really soon there will be a whole wonderful environment where I’ll be hanging out with everyone who needs me at very specific times.
That’s where I’m at.
I don’t have all the answers yet. Not even close. But I’m processing all the information I got on my day off.
It’s becoming ridiculously clear to me that if I want to live my mission and help all my right people and stuff like that, I cannot do it when I’m feeling tired and cranky and depleted.
This sounds so familiar and obvious that it’s almost trite.
If you’d said it to me a year ago I would have rolled my eyes and said, “I knoooooooow!”
So yeah, it’s totally one of those annoying little “life lessons that you I keep learning over and over again” but it seems like this time it sank in a little deeper.
Here’s the part that I just understood.
My peace of mind is the most valuable asset in my business.
By a lot.
Understanding that feels huge. Being able to teach that to my clients is also going to be huge.
If tuning into the clarity and safety that I need means having clearer boundaries and “putting things where they belong”, then I’m just going to have to figure out how to do that.
And — because I learned yesterday that part of my enormous, beautiful network of people who love and support my work in the world is my amazing group of blog readers — I know you’re going to be rooting for me.
Just wanted to say that I love that. And appreciate it so much. Sigh. Thanks for putting up with me — it’s great to be back!
Item! Why, there’s a bunch of stuff on my mind!
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
Yes, it’s crazy. We’re doing something new today.
Gradually expanding the comfort zone. Shall we?
Item! Perfectionism + insight = new patterns.
A very sweet post with some terrific insights:
Since paralyzing perfectionism is something anyone talented and capable is going to have to deal with at some point, I think you should read it.
Item! Sneak peek into my past …
Alex Fayle from Someday Syndrome did an interview with me about life and stuckification and things like that.
He asked some very useful questions. Good stuff. My duck doesn’t get to say anything because she wasn’t invited. Take that, Selma! Who’s the famous one now?
Anyway, I think you’ll like it.
Item! Indulge me while I go on a mini-rant.
I was on Problogger, reading about Digg and traffic-ey stuff and all the stuff I’m apparently supposed to care about but don’t enough.
And some little troll said the following:
“All social media is a waste of time. Search engine traffic is what you need.”
Hmm. “Social media” is a big word. You’re using social media right now, person making this ridiculous comment, by commenting on a blog and linking to your website.
Your site’s unimpressive Alexa ranking leads us to think that you haven’t in fact been able to do what you’re suggesting (drive search engine traffic from keywords) and you’re trying other things instead.
Like using social media to insist that social media is useless.
Dig yourself. No, not Digg. Just dig yourself. Okay, I’m done.
Item! What to do when people aren’t being supportive …
Interesting post from Jonathan Fields on success and jealousy.
This relates pretty closely to week 5 of the Non-Icky Self-Promotion course that I taught with Naomi where we talked about what to do when you aren’t getting the support and encouragement you need from your family and friends.
I wouldn’t say that agree with him on everything here, but he makes some very important points. This is a huge theme when you’re dealing with wanting to succeed at something and at the same time being terrified of that success. Read it.
Item! Oh the irony!
Is there anything more embarrassing than “abundance”-flavored incense?
Why yes, there is. Not lighting that incredibly yummy smelling abundance incense because they stopped selling it and you’re afraid of using it up. Using up the abundance.
Oh the irony. Oh the screwed-up-ness. Oh the ridiculousness of it all.
Item! Ew ew ew ew!
Every once in a while I stumble upon something especially gross that is so far to the awful slimy side of the sleaze-non-sleaze kosher-marketing-continuum that I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or dance a jig.
Or go take a shower. Man.
This is the most appalling and least yogified advertisement for something that claims to be related to yoga that I’ve ever seen. Join me in being horrified and dismayed, if you feel up to it. It’s fun!
And then we can go breathe and sit with that. That’s my practice for the day.
Item! This is awesome.
Fanmail of the week?
This is from Sarah Marie Lacy who is an artist and a delightful blogger and just generally writes great stuff and kindly gave me permission to share this with you.
Hi Havi!
I just wanted to say that your blog is a total life saver for me right now. I’m going through a healing process and I’m in a place where I don’t know who to turn to a lot (my therapist rocks, but I only get to see her once a week), and your blog is just exactly what I need to hear (or read?). Its wonderful.Your stuff has allowed me to give myself permission to feel my pain, and acknowledge my fears, and work on moving past them and through them. I feel a little bit freer than I did before. Thank you so much. You rock!
Take care and I hope all of the awesome, wonderful things in the world come to you!
Isn’t that marvelous? I was so inspired by her that I did something I pretty much never do and gave her a copy of Emergency Calming Techniques.
Okay. We’re done.
Are we entertained? Oh good. There will probably be a “real post” tomorrow. 🙂
Until then …….. love from my duck.
Blogging therapy: But I’m not an EXPERT!
Tuesday! Let’s do this thing. This is number six in our weekly series on how to take some of the scary out of blogging (or of anything else).
Wanna catch up? You don’t have to. But here are the rest, just in case:
Part 1. What if people are mean to me?
Part 2. What if I throw a party and no one shows up?
Part 3. Why even bother when there are already other people doing it better?
Part 4. What do I saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?
Part 5. Help! Perfectionism! Gaaaaak!
Today we’re (gently) tackling the theme that freaks just about everyone out: expertise. And us thinking we don’t have any.
In other words, the whole who am I to write anything about anything when I’m not a real expert? thing.
Gasp! Cough! I’m not an expert! Get me off the stage!
What’s this pattern? What are we even talking about?
Well, part of it is fear of being “found out”. As in, what if people figure out what a total fakerooney you are and laugh you off the internet?
[Being laughed off the internet is something I hear a lot. Trust me when I say that no one gets laughed off the internet. The internet is a big, big, big place and there is room for everything and everyone.]
But I don’t want to imply that this is just the usual paranoid stuff that comes up for all of us when we’re feeling frightened and vulnerable.
Because this concern also feels completely legitimate. How can I give information to people if I’m not an expert in it?
And, as I say every week, keep in mind that this isn’t really about blogging. It’s about working on your “stuff” and meeting yourself where you are.
Maybe you don’t have a blog and couldn’t care less. Or maybe you’re a much bigger and more formidable expert than I am on this topic — it doesn’t matter. This “I’m not good enough and someone else is better” is a completely human theme.
So you should be able to relate this stuff to pretty much anything you’re working on.
Things to think about …
Even the experts aren’t experts.
That’s because — in some sense — there’s no such thing as, you know, the ultimate expertise where you know everything about whatever it is you’re an expert in.
A real expert is someone who knows how little she actually knows and is throwing herself into learning more.
No matter where you are in your field and no matter how much you know about a topic, there’s pretty much always going to be someone (or — more likely — thousands of someones) who knows more about it than you do.
Which is why you need to say “So what?!”
I’ll let you in on a secret. People don’t come to you for expertise.
Like, if you really just wanted to know about blogging, you would not be reading this right now.
Because you know what? I’ve only been blogging for six months.
Not even. It will be six months this Sunday. Yes, you may send congratulations and fansocks. But my point is, you could easily be listening to someone who’s been doing this for years.
No, I’m not an “expert”. I haven’t even been featured in Alltop. And I’m not going to be on a panel at SXSW this year (though if they don’t invite me next year I’m pitching a fit).
The people who read me show up for the love. For the compassion. For the chance to hang out with someone who isn’t going to lecture them and beat them up with a bunch of shoulds.
Well, let’s be honest. Most of you come here for my duck.
But even if I didn’t have Selma on board, the people who need my perspective on things would come here anyway to grab a quick dose of calm.
It’s not about the expertise.
It’s about your unique voice and the people who need to hear YOU and not someone else.
Even the “experts” have this fear.
Yep. It’s normal. Everyone always fears that they aren’t expert enough.
Just yesterday I got invited to be a guest expert at a program where every single other expert is a published best-selling self-help author. Of course the first thought I had was what the hell am I doing there?
And then I remembered that I want to be there (yay) and that everyone else is probably wondering the same thing — and that not being impressed with how cool you yourself actually are is a very, very human thing.
You’re not the only one doubting yourself and your abilities. So shift your focus to finding ways to feel safe and comfortable being you.
Because otherwise you could spend your life racking up “expertise” and still not like yourself. And that would be really sad.
And also a shame. Because your “right people” need you now. They need your insights and thoughts from where you are in this moment. Not a distant voice from some lofty pedestal.
You don’t NEED to be an expert.
Really. If you’re going to be giving someone advice on something, what they need from you is for you to be human — and to be one step ahead of them.
People don’t want expertise. They want humanity. They crave intimacy and closeness. They want their pain to be acknowledged and heard and understood.
If you’re this big-shot expert who knows everything about everything (or acting like one), you’re too far away from the people who need you. You can’t feel their pain. You can’t empathize with them. You can’t connect with them.
People want desperately to know that you “get it”. Not that you’re so far over it that they can’t identify with you.
You really don’t want people to say about you, “Oh, I could never do the thing he’s trying to teach me … he’s an expert and I suck.” You want people to say, “Wow, I’m so motivated and inspired by your example!”
Stop trying to be this perfect expert and start modeling for other people what it’s like to admit that you’re afraid.
Demonstrate for them (and for yourself) what it’s like to let yourself be human … and to show up with what you know, trusting that your right people will find you and appreciate you.
No one is an expert and everyone is an expert.
Derek Silvers who founded CDbaby.com — the guy who wrote some of the most genius marketing advice ever (for musicians who are basically the most anti-marketing people in the world!) isn’t an “expert”.
Sure, he is now, but he wasn’t when he started. Just some guy in Portland (yay, Portland!) who really cared about music.
Naomi from Itty Biz? Not an expert. Again, she is now, but not when she launched her site. She was just a girl who had some ideas and needed to make some money.
Me? Hahahahahaha. Not an expert.
Fine, I am now, but when I launched the Fluent Self website (not the blog) three years ago, I was just a yoga teacher who had a bunch of complicated theories about how people could change their habits and solve their problems.
It never occurred to me that anyone would listen to me. Seriously.
And yet we’re all experts. Through trying. Through experience. Through putting our thing out there and finding our right people. Well, through allowing them to find us.
Everyone knows something about something. If you know more about that something than someone who doesn’t know anything about that something, that’s expertise.
You have it and they want it. So share it.
The art of being human and vulnerable.
Again, people want to relate to you. Which means that being a real live human being who has issues and fears and worries is a good thing.
You can bring transparency to your lack of expertise. Like when Naomi launched her SEO School ebook. She was really, really clear that this is not a product for experts. It’s for beginners who don’t know what they’re doing.
That’s completely legitimate. It’s not only legitimate, it’s admirable. People will respect you more for showing up and being who you are, than for being distant and snooty.
Summing up.
No one actually wants or needs you to be an expert but you. This is all your stuff again. (Hi, stuff).
It’s natural and it’s normal and it’s okay. But in the meantime, there are people out there who need you. They need your voice and your energy. They need the stuff you know and your unique way of talking about it.
And actually my favorite blog in the entire world is written by someone who claims zero expertise in anything and just shows up without it. Every time she writes, she models for me what it’s like to be your wacky, kooky self and put it out there.
If you’re thinking, “But but but …. I can’t be vulnerable!“, no worries. We’ll be talking about that in next week’s Blogging Therapy piece.
In the meantime, give being a non-expert expert a chance.
Show up. Start writing. Start practicing being yourself in little tiny doses.
And the most amazing thing is going to happen.
As you do this practice, it will build your expertise. Because you’ll realize that you know more than you think you do. And that people appreciate you. And you’ll get that much better at appreciating yourself
And by then maybe it will be easier to release this old pattern of needing to be something you aren’t, so that you can come into what you are.
It’s going to be beautiful.