Hello, week: we are here.

Wow what a week, what a time to be breathing, let’s breathe.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 414th week in a row we are chickening here together!

What’s been working?

Surprisingly (though really, I think I have been surprised by this enough times in my life to not be surprised by it anymore?), falling apart worked wonders.

Or maybe that should be permission to fall apart.

I fell apart, and then I felt a thousand times better. And then I wrote a letter of resignation, except I didn’t have anyone to give it to, because I’m self-employed.

And this led to a beautiful moment of deep realization that I have not been in a sovereign work relationship with myself — neither as employer nor employee.

As an employer, I need to pay myself what I would pay someone else as amazing as me, especially someone who has been working her ass off for the business for the past eleven years. Or really, I need to at least pay what I would pay anyone for the hours I put in at work. I also need to recognize that the work day does in fact end at some point, and not just when everyone is too worn out to do anymore.

And as an employee, I need to advocate for myself and my needs, and not just do what I believe is expected of me (by me).

Anyway, that might all still be a little incoherent, but something very big shifted, in me and in my relationship with the business, and this all came from spending an afternoon crying on the floor, so yes, that worked for me.

I might try…

Taking more time to enter and exit. Luxuriating in entry and exit.

Naming the days.

This week was the week of doors into harmony and these were the days.

Coming home. In my witchy grace. Ease of releasing. Door to harmony. Solved by the bell. Crown on. New reverberation.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Everything works out if I just wait and let it.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. This week involved a surprise 3am party in the house where I am staying, not once but twice. And by “surprise” I mean I was fast asleep and then suddenly hey a dozen very loud drunk people in the house, right outside my bedroom door, blaring music and yelling. Because my new summer housemate did not mention that he likes to spontaneously invite everyone at the bar to come home with him? And I wouldn’t have guessed that because he’s normally a very sensitive, considerate person. Anyway, the first time I joined the party and the second time I did not, and neither of those were good for me, and then I was tired and cranky and it was hard for me to do my work. A breath for this.
2. Related to the above and also to other things, I had to do a lot of establishing clean clear expectations this week, with grace and love. Because the world needs adults who can do this, it’s important. Not necessarily always fun, but important. But pretty much everyone I know hates any hint of conflict or confrontation, so all my friends were telling me to just exit and not talk about it, and I was like, NO WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS. A breath for clarity, and for the life work of dismantling patterns, and doing it with love.
3. I really want to be mad at someone about a situation but there is literally no one else involved in it, and all signs point to me. A breath for self-forgiveness and for waiting to see how this plays out, because I bet this is useful.
4. The coast is a good place for me to be right now but it is not my place. A breath for the clarity of knowing this.
5. [Silent retreat]. A breath for self-advocacy and learning to take care of myself in new ways.
6. Missing. A breath for comfort.
7. I have a conundrum that needs a solution, but in order to follow the thing I think will deliver the solution, I need time and funds for that particular voyage. It’s a mystery, may all the right clues reveal themselves. A breath for trust.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. What a delightful week. Today is my eighth day of being out of Portland and I am so happy to be here by the water. A breath of joy.
2. I remembered about tools! I am a writer and I need my tools! If I were a farmer, my primary tool might be my tractor. But I am a writer and my primary tool is my clarity, my peace of mind. And as a farmer, I would not agree to someone borrowing my tractor for three days, so why do I agree to people and situations “borrowing’ my clarity and peacefulness? I realized I need to stop doing this, and that made everything better. A breath for this new understanding.
3. A lovely routine has developed here, and I feel completely at home, which I did not expect at all. I found a gorgeous ballroom where I can practice dance for two hours a day. A highschool friend of my housemate’s little sister has a food cart that closes exactly when I finish dance practice, and we have a little agreement where he has delicious tacos waiting for me when I am done with dance. The morning cafe knows what I like, and my fellow morning writers nod when I come in. Everything is easy and quiet and it works for me right now. A breath for getting what I need when I need it.
4. I said what I needed to say, in a few different situations. I said it with love and it was received with love, and everything was fine. A breath of quiet trust.
5. Muse is ON. I am writing up a storm, with three different YEARbook ebooks in progress, and just inspired. A breath of gratitude.
6. I am channeling Adrianna’s superpowers so hard. Enjoying delicious food with delicious slowness. Taking as long as I need to get ready. Luxuriating in luxuriating. Talking to bridges. Listening more. Resting. Taking my time. A breath for receptivity.
7. Self-treasuring, ritual, slowness, attentiveness. These are becoming the rule and not the exception to the rule, and I think this is related to getting out of the city, though right this is also too much city for me, and soon I will need more quiet than this. Which is hilarious but there it is. A breath for this new way.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of delicious food made with great love, friendly people, warm smiles, time and space to myself, past-me booked a healing massage for me on the exact day I needed some big releasing, things are working themselves out without my input. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Actively Choosing Peace and Quiet, pre-emptively advocating for myself in all things, and deep healing through lusciousness. Yet again, asking is an astonishing practice, because I didn’t expect to get these, but now I see they were with me all week.

Powers I want.

More of the same please and also the powers of My Own Best Ally, I Have Everything I Need In The Moment I Need It, All The Right Doors Open For Me, and of course the superpower of the month of Harmony: I hear the melody.

The Salve of Everything You Need In The Moment You Need It.

In many ways, this is a salve of awareness. It soaks into your skin and you begin to notice all the ways you already are cared for, that what you need is available to you.

And as you begin to notice all the ways that you do have what you need, you also noticed all the things you can do to take better care of yourself. You become your own strongest advocate, and you feel fierce love towards yourself.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is:

Escaping The Power Lines

Their latest album is Close Close Close Close Closer, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

it’s closing time

I found this on a morning note by my bed
scribbled by half-asleep me in the dark hours as a clue

it’s closing time

and yet nothing is closing
(so what does this mean?)

the rally of

this week I am having a solo rally
and it is the rally of Astonishingly Simple Solutions
solutions that are so simple they make me gasp
this is also the rally of Italian All The Way
as well as Solved By Being A Panther
and here is my first clue
it’s closing time

a door to harmony (and hilarity)

each day I name the day, sometimes in the morning and
sometime the night before
and today I woke up and wrote DOOR TO HARMONY
because that is what present-moment me desires most in the world
and then about ten minutes later it hit me why this is the funniest

I had to put everything on pause and just laugh for a while
more on this later, as the arborist likes to say

falling apart

yesterday I arrived at my paid-for-in-advance two hours of
solo dance practice aka slow motion montage aka panther training
at a beautiful ballroom that is not my ballroom
excited about practice time, and yet as soon as I got there
all I wanted to do was throw a giant temper tantrum on the floor
in the middle of the room
and yell
just yell and yell and yell
at first I didn’t even know what I wanted to yell but then I did
I wanted to yell you know what fuck this and fuck dance and fuck everything
because guess what I quit
I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT

yes I quit!

no more portland and no more cities and
no more half-yeses or partial-yeses and
no more dance training
(okay I still want dance but not like this, some new way!)
because I quit
and also I want to quit my job
and write a letter of resignation
(okay I still want to be a bell and a beacon of self-fluency
and to do this through many
beautiful forms of not-teaching,
and yes it is still my yes to doing this through writing,
just not in the way it works right now, some new way!)

closeness

I texted the faraway cowboy and told him
all I wanted was to fall apart on the floor and cry about
how I am done done done done done really done with everything
he said, you know you can do that if you need to
he said, kissing you and holding you close

and I crawled over to the center of the room
where I lay on my back and sobbed for ninety minutes
the kind of loud messy crying that needs big space to contain it
for example, let’s say a giant empty ballroom that is
full of big wild unconditional love for you
ah what tremendous good fortune that I had rented the space
thinking it was for dance

and then for the last thirty minutes of my studio time
I walked up and down the long room
breathing in the light
sometimes doing tight chene turns and
sometimes walking slowly and deliberately like a panther
drawing power from the earth
and sometimes just walking and breathing
inside the sanctuary of dance

acknowledgement and legitimacy (because that’s what we do)

that was some good crying, I told the faraway cowboy
like when you hold me while I cry
the ballroom held me and I miss my ballroom
he said, glad it helped sweet girl
he said, yes, that was a magical space and so was the playground
you can figure this out, you’ve all the right resources, your writing is important and has a big impact on thousands of lives, you’ll make this work in a way that is good for you

I miss magical spaces
I miss drawing out the magic in spaces

okay are you ready for the funny part

in two days we cross into July and guess what July is on
the fluent self calendar
(it’s Harmony)
and this is the year of doors so July is not only the
quality of harmony but the door of harmony
which is also the door to harmony

past me made a door for what I need
she even gave me an image of it
and here I am asking for a door to harmony
having completely forgotten that one is waiting for me
it’s literally on the calendar

actually this part is even funnier

even though harmony is the quality I crave most right now
I have spent this entire year convinced that
July was the weak link in the calendar
I was pretty sure harmony didn’t really need to play a vital role in my year
and maybe I’d have to
rename this one or reinterpret it when we got to July
because meh, harmony, who cares

what a beautiful moment
again, what tremendous unanticipated good fortune
which, haha, actually was completely anticipated by past me who
channeled truth and wisdom like a boss
nicely done

harmony, come in and do your healing magic
harmony, invite me in to your secret places
be my door
and I will be yours

somehow this weekend I ended up at a terrible party

okay I mean it’s not actually all that mysterious
because I know exactly how
it happened through saying yes to things that were not especially yes
definitely not 120% yes or even close
at most 52% yes
except I have not yet learned to read this number:
it’s a failing grade, not a reluctant nod to a ruling majority

a cascading of no moments brought on by the first
half-hearted maybe yes
each moments of [not a no but not a yes] leading to a new one
until I was at full no
you could also call this unsovereign choices
something understandable and forgivable
we live in a rigged game culture where we are trained from
the youngest age to override instinct,
to placate and people-please and above all else do what we’re told
aka what external authorities indicate is best
so no wonder we don’t learn to trust (or even listen for)
our own true yes

path of least

anyway I went to a show I didn’t particularly want to go to
where the music was too loud (for me) with
too many people (for me), where I
consumed a drink I didn’t particularly like
and danced to a song I didn’t particularly want to dance to
agreed to let someone give input I didn’t want
until it was all too much and I had to exit
which was misinterpreted by friend as Storming Out
and then when we sorted things and all I wanted was bed
I reluctantly let this friend talk me into going to the afterparty
because it was clear that this was the easiest (and possibly only)
way to convey that I wasn’t upset
and blah blah path of least resistance

but it isn’t actually the path of least resistance
if it’s also the path of least joy, pleasure, comfort and
doesn’t support my sense of at-home-in-my-life

wanted: a more harmonious path

so the afterparty was somehow even worse than the party
like, I am pretty sure this was the worst party in the history of the known universe
and I have been to some agonizingly terrible parties in my day
(and okay, as a highly sensitive person I do not really understand parties
but this one took the cake)

I think the answer to why did I not immediately run away
is that I was actually kind of in a state of shock
both physical and existential
from the sensory overwhelm and just how bizarre it was
like, how did I — eccentric reclusive writer! glamorous cosmopolitan!
end up the lone adult in a decrepit indoor skate park at 2am
in a tiny town on a summer night
where a bunch of drunk kids were jamming (“jamming”) on a low stage
a brawling free-for-all of incoherent clashing sound waves
a cacophony of disharmonies

I described the scene to Agent Spalding
once I was semi-recovered
and he said yes that sounds intensely bad, aggressively bad
mmm I think I am just now realizing the echoing effects it is having on me
and my internal space
how much rattling occurred

what is needed

a door to harmony
ease of releasing and ease of transition
soft waves that crest gently, not the angry jagged up-and-down
I am talking about music and I am talking about
breath and light

how does one access a door to harmony
I think you just ask for it and then wander your way into it
wander by way of wonder
(June is the month of wonder)

wonder –> harmony

wonder comes from Awe
and awe comes from Sanctuary
and sanctuary comes from Presence
and presence comes from pausing

{I am here :: holy holiness}

sanctuary is the safe space to be receptive
to access a state of wonder from which things can begin to harmonize
at least that’s the working theory

wander and wonder

this is basically my life plan right now anyway
and here I am at the end of the line where the powerful columbia river
becomes the pacific ocean
speaking of harmony and wonder and doors

words from the bridge

I visited the bridge this morning and it spoke to me (this is a thing)
the bridge said, very clearly:

to be in your shininess, you require beauty and quiet
which means you need to become the ADVOCATE of these things
no one else is in charge of making sure you get these
and they are important so you must insist on them
this is what Adrianna knows how to do and what you need to learn
go be in harmony
go hand in your letter of resignation
and let yourself be re-signed (and reassigned) to harmony
let harmony BECOME your new job

here it is: my letter of resignation

and it really is resignation
that is in fact the exact correct perfect-fit word!
resignation is in fact how you feel in the moment it becomes apparent
that writing a letter of resignation is the only remaining option:
I am resigned to the reality of this situation that is not working
and to the fact that there isn’t a way to change the not-working-ness of it
I am resigned to resignation
such a funny word — it sounds like a sigh and looks like a re-signing
(look, here it is again, the exit sign, the sign that it’s time to leave)
(how did I miss it before?)
and true, I didn’t want to feel this feeling but now I get it
resignation can actually be quite lovely, the bridge was right:
a resigning and re-assigning
in the sense that everything needs to reconfigure now
or in other words, wait for it… to become more harmonious

I don’t actually want to resign

in the sense that I don’t want to leave
so what do I want
hmmm I want a raise and a new job title and a vehicle and
for the groundedness of these things to contribute to a
a sense of harmoniousness
this is a proxy but also not entirely a proxy

what do I want

a door into harmony / releasing everything that is disharmonious
letting this happen with astonishing simplicity

what do I know about my wish?

I want everything I do to be
for pleasure and joy instead of for comfort, validation, other pellet rewards
I want to follow the spark trail
to unveil or stumble upon
the next elegant easy graceful solutions
to live from within the compass of Do Less and Choose Ease
to feed myself with love
closing any doors that need closing
each closing and each opening deliberate and clear
moving from wonder into harmony
in a state of whole-hearted yes

now

each day two baby deer come visit my window
or they casually traipse past me on the sidewalk
when I am on my way to the pub
sometimes with their mom behind them
I would like some of this cool and collected presence
maybe that’s what harmonious looks like

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

June is WONDER with the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed, and it turns out the next indicated step is Harmony, which also happens to be the month we are about to enter, how perfect is that

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called more breath more light …

and I received this in many unexpected forms, including an invitation to come live at the coast for the summer, the place where I breathe more light

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

what do I need right now

each day I pick a card from the deck of stone skipping cards
and somehow the same card always finds me
what do I need right now

the answer, surprisingly, has been the same too
this is unusual, both the answer and its repetition

breath

that’s the need that wants to be expressed
more breath deeper breath more conscious breath
breathe more
breaths of appreciation and going deep into my
thank you heart with breath

superpower

and maybe now that I think about, maybe
this is related to adrianna’s superpower of
luxuriating in taking time through luxuriating in luxuriating
maybe she knows how to
luxuriate in breath
luxuriate with-and-through breath

(maybe breath is her door to luxuriating)
(maybe luxuriating is her door to this kind of breath)

okay so I want breath, wonderful, what is here for me

something I have learned about wishes is this:
it is up to me to accept them as a gift
just as it is up to me to release them like red balloons

of course I can think “well, this is a weird wish that makes no sense
I don’t have trouble breathing,
I’m probably avoiding a real wish”
and so on, maybe with some monster-ing about
why can’t I wish less mysterious wishes
and maybe put this time towards processing something more “useful”
but in my experience, the best thing I can do for any wish
is to welcome it — oh wow what a beautiful wish —
to receive it, to assume it is both treasure chest and treasure
and make room for it,
trusting that it will show me
[whatever it wants to show me]
whether over time or through the
love-imbued process of investigating

okay, so I want breath, what a lovely thing to want
what do I know about breath
what supports breath

what supports breath

what is the most supportive environment for my breath
by the water of course
breath and water go together
so do beauty and breath
like the gasp of pleasure
that turns to slow deep inhalation and release
when I walk down the hill in astoria
and glimpse the wonder of it
breath-taking
but also breath-giving
river-into-ocean
beauty is like, hey babe breathe me in

also being in a state of….
perceiving my beauty? perceiving that I am beautiful
embodying my glow

intake (of breath)

the other day I tried on clothes in a shop
which I never do
and the woman working there had to leave
she left a note for me with her friend
it said you are so beautiful
and my response to that was this breath of
oh wow let me take that in
let me breathe this moment

what else do I know about choosing breath

I need to be out of the city
portland hasn’t been yes for a long time
it has a lot of maybe in it
but maybe-yeses are all beacons of no
it isn’t 120% yes
and I think, often, that one of the reasons is
because it is hard (for me) to breathe there

too much noise, and I mean the energy kind as well as the actual kind
too much smoke too, in the same way
too many things that invite me to constrict and contract
instead of reveal and expand

what do I want with [breath]

I want to breathe the way I did in the orchards
and climbed orange trees for a living
inhaling life
and sharp tangy sweet aliveness

I want to breathe the way I did at the Vicarage
never in a hurry
plenty of time
“how many miles do you walk each day?” they asked
but I didn’t know how to answer
at the vicarage I walk until I am done walking
I do everything that way there

I want to breathe the way I did when my life was yoga training
the way I breathe with Bryan
or to breathe as I did that long afternoon in Berlin of
two hundred and sixteen slow sweet sun salutations
with [former-mentor — let’s have a breath of whoosh goodbye for that]
each sun salutation was eight breaths which makes 1728 breaths and
yes I remember all of them

slow time

all those beautiful times when my whole life was
devoted to being present with breath
where the breath slowed and slowed and slowed
until there was nothing but breath

what else about more breath

question: what else about more breath
answer: more light
question: what is more light
answer: more time, more expansiveness, more glow, more sparkle, solstice, do-overs, traveling light, traveling with lightness, being a light delivery system (“we deliver!”)
question: what would be more light
answer: ah, taking things lightly!

who knows how to do this?

Svevo is the only person I know who takes things lightly,
though Svevo also travels with three suitcases for the weekend,
his lightness is not related to luggage, though maybe
his lightness is related to knowing he has what he needs

Svevo has a double superpower that I want
the arborist has it too and so does
Adrianna the eccentric wandering Italian heiress
who is me but I am not yet her
it is the superpower of I have plenty of time because there is plenty of time
combined with I have no worries because there is nothing to worry about

alright let’s breathe this in
we already have a clue from last week: no is a beacon!
no lights the way to lightness

another question

is this wish about breath and light a proxy for something else
that I am not ready to let myself know I desire
probably
I mean, wishes usually are
the mind is wise that way
and wishes are also fractal flowers for all the other wishes I am wishing
whether I know what they are yet or not

is there anything I want to reveal now
about other meanings behind this wish for breath and light
ah of course
this is a wish about passage and becoming

spark/dark

last week I wrote:

I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom

and this is so amazing because it fits perfectly with the
two different versions of Incoming Me
that are both here at once

there is Z aka Zik/Zeke whose name, in hebrew, means spark
Z is all about wildness and wilderness, quiet and boundaries,
writing and righting, echoing and reverberating
striding fearlessly into the light

and there is Adrianna Moretti, whose name, coincidentally
means dark dark
she is unapologetically glamorous, believes strongly in decadence
and is never in a hurry
she prefers dimly lit bars, red lipstick, wine, ambiguity,
and unanticipated magnificence

(I love them both)

spark/dark

I love them both but now I am laughing because they are
so obviously (how did I not see this)
almost archetypal in their embodiment of yin/yang

Z has little patience with things being gendered and refuses
on principle to self-define
but I think of Z as the part of me who identifies with masculine
which is a moving target of a definition
and maybe more of a sensory perception
Z wears flannel shirts and is wildly sexy and completely gender-ambiguous
able to present in a way I can’t, because genetics gave me
an over-the-top Jessica Rabbit container
that I haven’t figured out how to be at home in
but Adrianna delights in it, flaunts it, wears it to perfection

yes

Adrianna is the dark and the moon and the tides and the pull
the long slow kiss
and the moment before the moment before
and then sleeping in, surrounded by cushions
Adrianna is devoted to being,
letting things be revealed in their own time

Z is the spark and the flash and the sun
powerful knowing and doing
Z makes things happen
just by deciding they should

two wild adventurers
two parts of this wish
like the inhale and exhale of more breath

what do I know about my wish?

more light and more breath
once in tel aviv I studied yoga with a favorite teacher
who was very Zik-like
she mostly had us rest in various positions and breathe
move the tiniest bit and breathe
she would say breathe in sparkliness

simmering in shimmering glittering breath
yes it is time for more of this, time to
fill up and spill over with this glimmer spark glow

for a long time I have been wishing wishes about
not dimming my spark for anyone
but the truth is, I have been spark-dimming
agreeing to glow at maybe only 35 percent
it is time to light things up

now

for the past exactly-seven days I have been trying each day
to make it to Astoria
and each day something happens or doesn’t
and it’s like the movie Groundhog Day
Agent Spalding asked, “Is Astoria in some kind of spatial vortex?”
which is hilarious because enter the vortex is both
the theme of Astoria and literally the wifi password at the bar where I am writing this
because yes today I finally made it here
by a thread
arriving with sunset
into the magical light that lives only here
there is so much more light in the light here

at my former retreat center we had a stone
an actual stone
called the vortex stone
(named for this place in astoria)
and you placed it on a tray to say I am here
a form of conscious entry
with a breath
of course

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence

June is WONDER which is so very exactly where I’m at right now with awe and breath and light and transition, and yes please to the next indicated step is revealed to me, this is right

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called what if I can revel in this freedom …

this was so perfect because this wish was how I learned that no was a beacon, and my week was SO VERY FULL OF NO that I probably would have been miserable without this new ability to follow the beacons and revel in my newfound freedom

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡