What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
chicken and the funk of no
Hello, week: we are here.
Wow what a week, what a time to be breathing, let’s breathe.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 413th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
Each day I have been taking a piece of paper and drawing a line down the middle. It looks a bit like a pros-and-cons list but it functions more like a ritual of introspection.
One side is NO / GOODBYE / ELIMINATED and the other is YES / WANT / ILLUMINATE.
Then I scribble whatever comes into my mind. This brought a surprising amount of ease, focus and clarity to my week, as well as some unexpected and enlightening intel, because sometimes (most of the time) my desires are not apparent to me until I ask….
I might try…
I like this part because asking what I might try seems like the least judgmental way of naming what isn’t working.
But I’m starting to see some secret magic here. I state what I want to try, then I forget about it, and then it comes true, if not always in the way you might expect.
Last week I wanted to try “remembering sooner that Shit Is Not About Me”, and I am pleased to report that despite the absolute flood of no that came my way this week, I did in fact remember each time that it was not about me.
Now I’d like to try treating any half-yes as a clue, and releasing any need to keep poking at it to see if it might turn into two-thirds yes.
Naming the days.
These were the days from the week of reveling in freedom and breathe more light…
Choose ease more. Take time and luxuriate. Solstice stones. I treasure myself more. Start fresh. Extra light. Newness embodied.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
That’s Hilarious That You Think You Have A Plan
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week was so full of no, ohmygod. It was just no, from all directions, everything was no for me and everything was saying no to me, and oh man, this giant funk of no. A breath for remembering that no is a beacon, and also for being able to laugh about this, because that helps keep it in perspective.
- Like a rat in a lab pushing for food pellets, I pushed at the lever of every partial-maybe-yes just in case there was a responding pellet, even though I didn’t want those pellets anyway, and then almost forgot not to take it personally when there was nothing there. A breath for the work of dismantling old patterns.
- Portland: It’s A Trap! Each day this week I planned to be at the coast by the end of the day, and each day something prevented this from happening, which of course worked out beautifully, but for a while I was wondering if I was actually in the movie Groundhog Day, or maybe that part of The Truman Show when the whole town conspires to keep our hero from exiting the island. A breath for wild trust and for interrupting the interruptions.
- I woke up this morning with the very clear knowing in my body that getting online was a terrible idea, more so than usual, a towering formation of fear energy that so clearly was not mine. I could feel it and see it, like a tornado in the distance that I could choose not to approach or interact with, but I still didn’t know what it was. So I texted friends to find out what happened, and they were like, yes you are correct do not go anywhere near social media, and that’s how I learned about Britain exiting the European Union. Let’s breathe. May both the great fear that led to this and the great fear resulting from this be met with something stronger. Something new can be channeled here, I don’t know how to name it yet but may we all have the necessary steadiness and grace to breathe. Breathing powerful peacefulness, powerful clarity, whatever is needed. Let us gracefully decline to contribute to the energy tornados of isolationism and panic (and worse) and in the world, and breathe. A breath for the world.
- Where do I want to live? How do I want to live? What do I believe in? What is supportive space for a Havi? What is yes? In what ways am I not in fact being true to myself? These are the questions that emerged from shmita, and no wonder I was so completely terrified for so many years to even face taking time off, because yes, these questions are intensely disruptive, they lead to uprooting. Not to mention all the monstering about ugh how can you be almost forty and seriously have no clue about what you’re doing or where to live. I mean, that’s the rigged game that wants us too busy working-and-striving to even hear the questions. I am aware of the enormous quantities of magic beans that allow me to investigate this. And I appreciate brave past-me who was so steadfast in her commitment to her own path; in addition to massive good fortune and privilege, I can also thank her that at almost-forty I am miraculously without obligations: not bound to people or location. I do not have to drive anyone to soccer practice, I don’t need to feed anyone but me, and so here I am with these big wild questions and the privilege to consider them. And it is scary. I am at home at this edge, I am grateful for my freedom, and also: nothing like facing the great echoing void to see the appeal of distraction (see: pellet-pushing), any distraction at all to not sit with these questions. A breath for listening with love.
- I have been dimming my spark. I have been compromising on things that are hugely important. This is very apparent right now, and it is useful intel, and it is also amazing how long it takes me to notice. A breath for rewriting old patterns.
- The eternal conundrum of I find the internet exhausting but it’s where my job is. I tried to solve that with moving into real space, first the Playground (my retreat center), then a larger experiment that was ahead of its time and became a metaphorical chocolate shop instead, and what I learned is that I don’t ever want to carry overhead again. A breath for a perfect simple solution that supports quiet receptive bell state.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- This was an absolutely magical week. Everything I asked for — luxuriating in taking time, releasing the worry patterns, finding joy in small pleasures, serendipitous encounters, reveling in freedom, all of it happened, and all the surprises were the good kind. A breath of delight in being alive.
- Thanks to last week’s wish, I understood that each no that came my way (and oh were there a lot of them, a constant barrage of no everywhere I turned) was secret treasure. This is the thing past me has been trying to explain for years about how I only get gifts and miracles, but I didn’t really get it before. No set me free this week, and that is in fact the job of a no, and I was able to see and feel this in action. A breath for this new understanding.
- Ever since the time in my life when I was [between homes] for many months and sometimes slept in the park and experienced huge terror, my biggest fear has been repeating this in any way or even being reminded of it. And now I am okay. I mean, it’s not just that I am okay, because I was okay before. It’s something much deeper than that. My body understands that I am safe now. So we are between homes and on the road and okay with it, because hello to this grand adventure, and it doesn’t bother me. The fear is gone, the deepest fear. A breath for the miracle of this. I’m not saying the fear won’t return, but if it does, it will be different and my relationship to it will be different, because now I know what life is like without it. Gratitude.
- What a wild week of wild gratitude and wild revelations. Just breathing it all in. Full heart. A breath for this breath, and everything I do to stay centered in this.
- Yes, there is still great joy in discovering that I know what I want and what I don’t. A breath of quiet trust.
- Enormous incoming sweetness from the beautiful faraway cowboy who is so good at glowing love for me in a way that I can feel without being overwhelmed by it. A breath for receiving and connection.
- I found a way to escape the fourth of July and remove myself from the triggers and the war zone of fireworks. A breath for being someone who practices self-treasuring more actively than ever before, I am learning to prioritize my well-being in a way that used to not be available to me because of fear and monsters. A breath for this new way.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of a surprise miracle on the exact day it was needed most, a delicious Sunday night ritual that depends entirely on happy accidents, making it to the coast which is where my quiet is and where my words are. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of standing tall, deeply engaged with life, surprise ease, and taking exquisite care of myself for no reason at all, and amazingly (again!) I had all of that. I love how this simple practice of naming superpowers wows me each week and each time I forget all over again.
Powers I want.
More of the same please and also the powers of Actively Choosing Peace and Quiet, pre-emptively advocating for myself in all things, and deep healing through lusciousness.
The Salve of Healing Through Lusciousness.
Many many things in life are or can be healing, but a lot of them hurt. And sometimes our culture tends to value the ones that hurt. This is a salve for the kind of deep healing that happens with gentleness, permission, ease, softness-and-softening, and, yes, lusciousness.
This is salve that holds the magical qualities of the most perfect bath imaginable. It is reiki-infused everything, it is spells written on the body with light by someone who loves you unconditionally, it is immersion and releasing and being drizzled in oils, or whatever form is right for you to receive this.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is, of course:
A Giant Funk Of No
Their latest album is That’s Probably A Terrible Idea, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
more breath / more light
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 363rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
what do I need right now
each day I pick a card from the deck of stone skipping cards
and somehow the same card always finds me
what do I need right now
the answer, surprisingly, has been the same too
this is unusual, both the answer and its repetition
breath
that’s the need that wants to be expressed
more breath deeper breath more conscious breath
breathe more
breaths of appreciation and going deep into my
thank you heart with breath
superpower
and maybe now that I think about, maybe
this is related to adrianna’s superpower of
luxuriating in taking time through luxuriating in luxuriating
maybe she knows how to
luxuriate in breath
luxuriate with-and-through breath
(maybe breath is her door to luxuriating)
(maybe luxuriating is her door to this kind of breath)
okay so I want breath, wonderful, what is here for me
something I have learned about wishes is this:
it is up to me to accept them as a gift
just as it is up to me to release them like red balloons
of course I can think “well, this is a weird wish that makes no sense
I don’t have trouble breathing,
I’m probably avoiding a real wish”
and so on, maybe with some monster-ing about
why can’t I wish less mysterious wishes
and maybe put this time towards processing something more “useful”
but in my experience, the best thing I can do for any wish
is to welcome it — oh wow what a beautiful wish —
to receive it, to assume it is both treasure chest and treasure
and make room for it,
trusting that it will show me
[whatever it wants to show me]
whether over time or through the
love-imbued process of investigating
okay, so I want breath, what a lovely thing to want
what do I know about breath
what supports breath
what supports breath
what is the most supportive environment for my breath
by the water of course
breath and water go together
so do beauty and breath
like the gasp of pleasure
that turns to slow deep inhalation and release
when I walk down the hill in astoria
and glimpse the wonder of it
breath-taking
but also breath-giving
river-into-ocean
beauty is like, hey babe breathe me in
also being in a state of….
perceiving my beauty? perceiving that I am beautiful
embodying my glow
intake (of breath)
the other day I tried on clothes in a shop
which I never do
and the woman working there had to leave
she left a note for me with her friend
it said you are so beautiful
and my response to that was this breath of
oh wow let me take that in
let me breathe this moment
what else do I know about choosing breath
I need to be out of the city
portland hasn’t been yes for a long time
it has a lot of maybe in it
but maybe-yeses are all beacons of no
it isn’t 120% yes
and I think, often, that one of the reasons is
because it is hard (for me) to breathe there
too much noise, and I mean the energy kind as well as the actual kind
too much smoke too, in the same way
too many things that invite me to constrict and contract
instead of reveal and expand
what do I want with [breath]
I want to breathe the way I did in the orchards
and climbed orange trees for a living
inhaling life
and sharp tangy sweet aliveness
I want to breathe the way I did at the Vicarage
never in a hurry
plenty of time
“how many miles do you walk each day?” they asked
but I didn’t know how to answer
at the vicarage I walk until I am done walking
I do everything that way there
I want to breathe the way I did when my life was yoga training
the way I breathe with Bryan
or to breathe as I did that long afternoon in Berlin of
two hundred and sixteen slow sweet sun salutations
with [former-mentor — let’s have a breath of whoosh goodbye for that]
each sun salutation was eight breaths which makes 1728 breaths and
yes I remember all of them
slow time
all those beautiful times when my whole life was
devoted to being present with breath
where the breath slowed and slowed and slowed
until there was nothing but breath
what else about more breath
question: what else about more breath
answer: more light
question: what is more light
answer: more time, more expansiveness, more glow, more sparkle, solstice, do-overs, traveling light, traveling with lightness, being a light delivery system (“we deliver!”)
question: what would be more light
answer: ah, taking things lightly!
who knows how to do this?
Svevo is the only person I know who takes things lightly,
though Svevo also travels with three suitcases for the weekend,
his lightness is not related to luggage, though maybe
his lightness is related to knowing he has what he needs
Svevo has a double superpower that I want
the arborist has it too and so does
Adrianna the eccentric wandering Italian heiress
who is me but I am not yet her
it is the superpower of I have plenty of time because there is plenty of time
combined with I have no worries because there is nothing to worry about
alright let’s breathe this in
we already have a clue from last week: no is a beacon!
no lights the way to lightness
another question
is this wish about breath and light a proxy for something else
that I am not ready to let myself know I desire
probably
I mean, wishes usually are
the mind is wise that way
and wishes are also fractal flowers for all the other wishes I am wishing
whether I know what they are yet or not
is there anything I want to reveal now
about other meanings behind this wish for breath and light
ah of course
this is a wish about passage and becoming
spark/dark
last week I wrote:
I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom
and this is so amazing because it fits perfectly with the
two different versions of Incoming Me
that are both here at once
there is Z aka Zik/Zeke whose name, in hebrew, means spark
Z is all about wildness and wilderness, quiet and boundaries,
writing and righting, echoing and reverberating
striding fearlessly into the light
and there is Adrianna Moretti, whose name, coincidentally
means dark dark
she is unapologetically glamorous, believes strongly in decadence
and is never in a hurry
she prefers dimly lit bars, red lipstick, wine, ambiguity,
and unanticipated magnificence
(I love them both)
spark/dark
I love them both but now I am laughing because they are
so obviously (how did I not see this)
almost archetypal in their embodiment of yin/yang
Z has little patience with things being gendered and refuses
on principle to self-define
but I think of Z as the part of me who identifies with masculine
which is a moving target of a definition
and maybe more of a sensory perception
Z wears flannel shirts and is wildly sexy and completely gender-ambiguous
able to present in a way I can’t, because genetics gave me
an over-the-top Jessica Rabbit container
that I haven’t figured out how to be at home in
but Adrianna delights in it, flaunts it, wears it to perfection
yes
Adrianna is the dark and the moon and the tides and the pull
the long slow kiss
and the moment before the moment before
and then sleeping in, surrounded by cushions
Adrianna is devoted to being,
letting things be revealed in their own time
Z is the spark and the flash and the sun
powerful knowing and doing
Z makes things happen
just by deciding they should
two wild adventurers
two parts of this wish
like the inhale and exhale of more breath
what do I know about my wish?
more light and more breath
once in tel aviv I studied yoga with a favorite teacher
who was very Zik-like
she mostly had us rest in various positions and breathe
move the tiniest bit and breathe
she would say breathe in sparkliness
simmering in shimmering glittering breath
yes it is time for more of this, time to
fill up and spill over with this glimmer spark glow
for a long time I have been wishing wishes about
not dimming my spark for anyone
but the truth is, I have been spark-dimming
agreeing to glow at maybe only 35 percent
it is time to light things up
now
for the past exactly-seven days I have been trying each day
to make it to Astoria
and each day something happens or doesn’t
and it’s like the movie Groundhog Day
Agent Spalding asked, “Is Astoria in some kind of spatial vortex?”
which is hilarious because enter the vortex is both
the theme of Astoria and literally the wifi password at the bar where I am writing this
because yes today I finally made it here
by a thread
arriving with sunset
into the magical light that lives only here
there is so much more light in the light here
at my former retreat center we had a stone
an actual stone
called the vortex stone
(named for this place in astoria)
and you placed it on a tray to say I am here
a form of conscious entry
with a breath
of course
the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
June is WONDER which is so very exactly where I’m at right now with awe and breath and light and transition, and yes please to the next indicated step is revealed to me, this is right
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called what if I can revel in this freedom …
this was so perfect because this wish was how I learned that no was a beacon, and my week was SO VERY FULL OF NO that I probably would have been miserable without this new ability to follow the beacons and revel in my newfound freedom
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
eliminated/illuminated
Hello, Solstice. Hello, full moon.
Here are the stones I skip on solstice, the solstice stones:
What needs to be eliminated?
What needs to be illuminated?
Hello, door. Hello, wonder.
Always strong questions, but somehow especially right now, halfway through the year, a kind of mountain top moment.
This day and these questions make a door. Wonder and awe are doors, and also the thing that opens doors.
What needs to be eliminated?
And what needs to be illuminated?
Asking is enough.
Time to turn inward and trust that dropping these questions into heart-mind is enough, asking is enough. When I ask and listen, the just-right answers for right-now will emerge.
You are welcome to join me in this ritual, and to share here of course if you wish. Or leave pebbles and stones, take a breath at this moment of in between…
the chicken reflects
Hello, week: we are here.
It is a Sunday chicken again, aka right timing o’clock, and I am in the same place I was exactly a week ago (literally, not metaphorically) but across the table (literally, but maybe also metaphorically), and I am happy to chicken
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 412th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
SO MANY THINGS.
I think my favorite though was doing something palpable to release the week. Agent Sloan and I went and just immersed ourselves in the most luscious healing foot bath for two hours. We emerged with new feet, new eyes, and having experienced, at least temporarily, what it is like to just let things go. But mainly I think I finally understood to what extent ritual is a door.
I might try…
Ha, last week I said “be willing to abandon a perfectly good plan”, and this week I was!
Next time I might try remembering sooner that Shit Is Not About Me.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of the Italian heiress and reveling in freedom and these were the days.
Beautiful boundaries. Regal as fuck. Joyful day of joyful moments! Creative flow is mine. Revel in being free. Joy in this exact timing. Follow the compass.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Undoing Conditioning: A Part Of Me Knows How To Luxuriate Like A Cat
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Everything takes between four to twenty seven times longer than I anticipate it will, and this is not news to me or to anyone, and yet it continues to take me by surprise. All plans are illusory, and we know this, and yet I am still taken aback when the thing that always happens is still happening. That’s the power of rigging. A breath for remembering for being able to laugh about it.
- I keep being in spaces that are not supportive for me, whether that’s twitter or dance spaces or learning environments or looking for a response where there is one and where one wouldn’t serve me anyway. A breath for deep trust and for taking care of my kingdom first.
- The world is too loud for me, and this is not news either, I just want to say that HSP life is work and I see other people being energized by things that drain me, and sometimes I have envy. Also: ugh politics ugh the internet ugh the way things that need to be called into question are just accepted as normal. A breath for learning to take care of myself in new ways.
- I was planning to spend this weekend first at the coast and then in Seattle, and neither of those things happened and that is probably a good thing, and also it is time to leave Portland, this is indicated, and I am kind of floating in between A breath for spaciousness and trust.
- I got in a fight at dance! This was exciting and empowering (it helps when you’ve been pretending to be Italian all week), but/and also stressful and draining. I don’t enjoy having to defend or explain myself. A breath.
- Always getting ready to go out and do something fun and wild, and then choosing bed instead. This isn’t a bad choice at all, and Adrianna the Italian heiress adventuress reminds me that there is great luscious power in the readying, in luxuriating in the readying, and that the actual going out is less important, and of course there is time, and all timing right timing. This can be hard for me to trust and remember, so let us have a breath for truth, for trusting and remembering.
- The pain of the moments when I seem to have no yeses, and also the pain of the moments when I have many yeses and sometimes these are not met with responding-yeses and this is probably just-right, I believe this, and I understand that the not-yeses I am receiving are in my benefit, this too. And sometimes I just have this craving for someone or something to say YES YES YES I CHOOSE YOU AND I CHOOSE NOW. So I will be this person and I will say it to myself, and all my selves, over and over and over again, I will channel love-source and be the glowing yes to my life. And also I want someone to kiss me across a table with passion and over-the-top feeling because it has to happen in this beautiful moment now. And it is okay to want this. A breath for all my wanting. May I always remember that wanting is beautiful.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
the day of seven hours of dance
- This was a beautiful week of beautiful moments. So much joy, play, pleasure, panther-ing. A breath of delight in being alive.
- The walls and floor are painted in the secret studio in the basement, and it finally feels like a place where magic can happen, it reminds me of the playground. A breath for sanctuary and the many forms it can take.
- I don’t have a home and I am weirdly okay with not having a home, because I am Adrianna the eccentric Italian heiress and she doesn’t need a home, she needs adventure and quiet and inspiration and people to flirt with. This is new and fun, and a big healing for past-me who had no home for so long and napped in the park and was so deeply, painfully invested in passing as someone who wasn’t [without a home]. A breath for this adventure and for being able to be on it.
- DANCE. Seven glorious hours of it on Wednesday and most of today as well. Cha cha and west coast swing and dance epiphanies and heartbreakingly beautiful waltzes, and wildly inventive fusion, and I am a panther and I draw my power from the earth. Plus an hour that I spent with Sarah just focused on one tiny movement in the rib cage. All the training I have been doing is paying off: this week I felt graceful, grounded, balanced, at ease in my body and in in play. A breath for this embodied aliveness.
- This one is a keeper: I know what I want and I know what I don’t want. A breath of quiet trust.
- I just mostly feel good about this process. I am listening and learning and touching in. I am finding doors and passage. Staying in Rally mindset. A breath for appreciating this.
- Such amazing good fortune. A breath for this.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of spending a week on stealth rally with Agent Sloan, meeting up with the right people in the right moments, saying no to things that are no, second breakfast. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of being my most embodied graceful powerful self who transmits in every moment that I am not to be messed with. And honestly, this one felt like even more of a reach than usual.
But actually I had brassy force fields this week and people respected them, and I stood up for myself at dance, and brought in clear anger to set boundaries when that was needed too.
Powers I want.
More of the same because it feels absolutely incredible, and also the powers of standing tall, deeply engaged with life, surprise ease, and taking exquisite care of myself for no reason at all.
The Salve of Luxuriating Beyond Reason.
I was shaving my legs very haphazardly in the shower (because that’s the only way I do it), and Adrianna, in her inimitable way, found this enormously surprising. Like, if I have this opportunity to touch myself, why would I not revel in it and enjoy every pleasurable second of being with my legs. She doesn’t particularly care either about shaving or not shaving, she gets that I do it because I like smoothness and that I don’t particularly care, but it bothers her when I neglect an obvious opportunity for pleasure.
Anyway, she said something about taking time, really taking time, to luxuriate in touch, to luxuriate in the time-taking itself, not to neglect myself or rush through something that could be about love.
So this is a salve of intention, pleasure, presence, and self-adulation. And about time being a gift that I bestow upon myself with tenderness and wild sensual attentiveness and devotion.
It’s a salve of love, breath, being over doing (and doing-infused-with-being), deep sweetness, and it dissolves the monsters of “undeserving and unworthy and get over yourself”
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Quality Distraction
Their latest album is Let The Revolution Begin, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
what if I can revel in this freedom
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 362nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
revealed
do we have convenient shorthand yet for this phenomenon
people reveal themselves immediately when they meet us
and then we either forget to file away that intel
or we neglect to give it the attention it deserves
— as maya angelou said,
with marvelous clarity, wisdom and sovereignty,
“when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” —
though actually I don’t mean that phenomenon so much as
a more specific pattern: a person shows up in your life and
a) immediately reveals a truth about themselves
b) you observe this moment as it happens
c) not only do you believe them, you observe your choice to do so
but then somehow suddenly d) that surprising moment of frisson when you
find yourself mysteriously and irrationally astonished
when they are in fact exactly who they said they are
they just told you they were
listening
and I don’t mean they hinted or implied
via metaphor or through their actions
I mean people will LITERALLY TELL YOU
like, “hahahaha I have paralyzing fear of saying what I want!”
and then later you find yourself wondering
how things got so messy so fast
(but, I mean, of course they did)
wondering where it all went wrong
when in fact nothing went wrong, it all went pretty much as expected
you’re just experiencing this thing I want to have a name, something like
Yup Surprised About That Thing Which Was So Clearly Indicated From The Beginning
what do I know about this or what do I want to say about it
I tend to focus so much on yes sparks but actually
a good clear NO is amazing
look at how that no just gracefully and elegantly extinguishes
all those other vague little distracting lights and
suddenly I see with enormous clarity
the beautiful path of oh okay this here is my spark right now,
and now I am free to follow that with no distractions
mmmm more about this amazing no please
- what if any situation that gives me a strong clear no is not only useful but good,
- actually: any new or additional intel on what I don’t want is good
- NO IS GOOD!
- ohmygod it is just now landing for me how true this is
- mmmm thank you for these no moments which are so useful, how have I never seen what a total unexpected blessing a no can be
- when everything around me is saying no or showing me my no, I think everything is wrong, but I can also think oh wow what big clarity about what I don’t want, aka Do-Overs Forever
- what if I stop perceiving no as rejection or a sign that I’m on the wrong path, and begin to see no as a direct door to freedom
NO makes SPACE
this past week — as a direct result of last week’s wish about
being an Italian heiress with a gang of metaphorical rabbits —
huge progress is being made on my secret basement studio
and I was finally able start taking things out of storage
after six months only to realize that I no longer
want or need most of my things that were big yes in January
Agent Spalding said:
“this is wonderful, now that you have space, you can make space”
Ways a no might make space!
- the no of chosen seclusion and zero input, for example when I avoid twitter, or hop on the bus to the coast and write all day
- the no of perceived rejection that is a gift, for example if I felt yes about someone who wouldn’t act on their yeses: this no reminds me that I am free, and being free means I don’t have to deal with that
- the no of releasing possessions I am no longer excited about makes literal space as well as energy/emotional space
- the no to running a business where so much of my work is uncompensated and to get paid, I have to constantly make stuff and put it in a vending machine, this no tells me it is time for a quiet revolution and I am glad for this no, because it inspires me to figure this out and try new things
- Esther Gokhale talks about rib anchors: you create length in the body not by sticking the chest out but tucking it in, which (surprisingly) makes space to soften your shoulders and you suddenly have so much more breathing room…
no sets you free
so rejoice over no
whispers wisest me
revel in your newfound freedom, she tells me,
whether it’s the no of someone else’s not-yes
or the no of things have changed, as they do
or any no at all
even the kind we are conditioned to believe definitely
says something bad about us
(like the kind that comes in an envelope in response to an application)
or the kind when you wish for one thing
and get something different
or even if you got down on bended knee and offered a ring
with a heart of PLEASE SAY YES
to a person or an experience or to a grand adventure in life
and you got something other than the yes that was the yes you wanted…
{rejoice over no}
{revel in your new-found freedom}
this is (or can be) very difficult to do
grief is real, grief is legitimate
safety first, always
we take time to grieve each no as needed, always
I’m just reporting what wisest me wants me to know
that no can be beautiful, liberating, glorious, remarkable
if I let it
and this is (can be) very difficult to believe
our whole culture is so deeply invested in a fairy tale about
how getting the thing we think we want is good
while not getting it is bad,
and you see this everywhere but especially in
the online world of [self-helpery] where things can get very distorted
do you know how many years, my god, it has taken me to make clear
(with great love)
that these weekly wishes here are about
the beautiful process of internal exploration
and not about “manifesting” anything,
I will not take part in a culture that believes
a wish becomes valuable or meaningful based on if/when it is fulfilled
and something is lacking (in me or in life or in my wishing abilities)
if I don’t get the results I ordered
how absurd, how limiting, how heartbreaking
here we wish in qualities
we wish as a way of deepening closeness with ourselves
we wish because wishing is a beautiful way to glow
presence, curiosity and love
and more than anything I wish because
it is a way I can listen to my heart:
learning about my desire
— and meeting that desire
with acknowledgement and legitimacy —
is the most loving gift I can give me-who-wants
and modeling exploration-without-expectation
is the most loving gift I can give to someone reading this
I don’t mean to imply there isn’t grief about not getting what we wanted,
because there is, and grief is always valid and legitimate
we make space for that too
I just mean to say, oh my loves,
so much more joy becomes available when we
let the wish-process be the treasure
instead of thinking it only has value if it delivers a specific result
sparks
wise me says this with great certainty
and I am inclined to believe her:
in some ways a NO is almost as good as yes
and maybe even better than yes because of the way
a rich darkness allows a flash of light to really spark
Adrianna
Adrianna is the italian heiress and I think I just figured out her secret this week
her secret isn’t that she says yes to all pleasurable things
but that she says no to all NOT pleasurable things
she is so clear on her no
actually I think she ENJOYS no as much as yes
giving and receiving both
and while I may still have lots of (legitimate) grief around No
there is so much power in being able to see how she does things
how she approaches no
she thinks it is delicious
ta da, redirected, let’s go see what this new direction has for us
big magic
what if no is big magic towards yes, not just the cliche of
oh well at least your no tells you what your yes is,
what if no is like SPARKS LIGHTING UP YES PATHS,
what if no is something to get really excited about!
I mean, it’s so plentiful
even when yes is rare, my no is abundant!
I used to think that was confusing, so many places not to look
(the familiar chorus of ugh I hate everything right now)
but what if the NOs are lighting a very clear path
what if burning through some good no is very smart
what if I am a total genius for every time in my life that I’ve
made out with a stranger or put a book down halfway through,
I am after all someone who tries things
maybe all the NOs I have collected are brilliant
Adrianna thinks so
let’s take this to its logical conclusion then, why not
what are the biggest NOs I can go for in my life right now
no to living with not-yes people in a job I don’t want
in a city I don’t like
no to 99% of the internet
ah the no of anything that is Less Than Joy Sparks
no clears out the bullshit if I let it
will I let it
no to being away from water
no to not being able to see the stars
let’s undo some rigging while we’re at it
what do I know about my wish?
it is a wish about freedom and all the superpowers of freedom
- the freedom of YAWN GOODBYE DELETE
- being a panther means freedom from social conditioning, I don’t have to follow any of the perceived monster rules!
- I can have Intensity and Smoldering and Lusciousness and not apologize for being them or wanting them
- there is joy in this no, joy in this exact right timing
- the superpower of “oh this is actually great for me, now I can take more time to savor my cake”, as Sarah said when I had to cancel our lesson
- remembering that I am invariably wrong when I judge things as being “late” or “behind” for example, my basement is now months behind schedule and that turned out so beautifully because it got me to the most incredible places that I wouldn’t have found otherwise
- do less and choose ease!
- I let things take their time
- wait, someone else did the thing I wanted to do? ahhhhhh the freedom of this is not my job
- I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom
now
I went to a place Wild Abandon because I wanted
dinner but mainly because of the name
I ate with my fingers because cutlery seems downright inappropriate
when wild abandon is on the menu, literally
but then it became clear that everything about being there
other than the food and the name was a no
so let’s say thank you to this clear no
and follow a new spark
and now Adrianna wants to go drink wine
she says, “you can be someone who writes about reveling in freedom
or you can be someone who revels in freedom”
okay fair enough
the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
June is WONDER which is so very perfect for recommitting my life to freedom, and this ie exactly what I need: the next indicated step is revealed to me
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called what would the italian heiress do …
this was the best wish I have ever wished because it turns out that she does some pretty spectacular things, and with so much style, and also she has an assistant who makes sure she gets fed
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡