What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
chicken wins at playing chicken
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 404th week in a row we are chickening here together!
What worked this week?
Pre-emptive celebrations. I’ve noticed that I won’t pause to appreciate what I’ve done in a day until the day is done, and that is silly.
So I began each work day by giving myself credit for everything I did before sitting down to work, no matter how frivolous or wrong my monsters said these were.
[For the record, they also say it’s frivolous and wrong to pat myself on the back before I’ve done anything that “counts”, but they are slowly coming around because it turns out that actually appreciation is a huge source of motivation for me…]
Here is a sample celebratory list of everything I did before I started doing the things I thought I should be doing. If that makes sense.
- I got out of bed: WHAM BOOM!
- did twenty minutes of stretching and moving: WHAM BOOM!
- let the contractors into the basement: WHAM BOOM!
- read potentially scary update about my taxes: WHAM BOOM!
- found clothes and left the house: WHAM BOOM!
- told twitter about yesterday’s post WHAM BOOM!
- got through an awkward social interaction: WHAM BOOM!
- and probably some other things WHAM BOOM!
Next time I might…
Do less. Give things time to resolve themselves on their own.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of Do-overs Forever, and here were the days:
New day. So this is what “trust love” is like. Incoming me. A beautiful day. Excited and focused. Do Less. I am a genius.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Not Everything Requires A Response: the Havi Brooks story
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This was seriously the week of Shit Does Not Stop Going Wrong in the most expensive ways. For example, just Monday all by itself was three thousand dollars worth of news I didn’t want, in the form of my laptop suddenly dying followed by the plumber discovering leaks in the pipes followed by an unexpected invoice. Followed by having to take care of a health thing. A breath for ease.
- It was 88 degrees this week (31 degrees celsius) in Portland in April, which is so very distressingly extreme for this season, and I cannot stop thinking about the fact that there are people running for president of this problematic nation who are somehow not agonizing over climate change, and who don’t want to believe that we have caused the planet harm, to put it lightly. A breath.
- The three days of uncomfortable heat translated into flowery sundresses for me instead of my usual layers of black-on-black, and my hair has gotten long because I’ve been busy with other things and have the fastest growing hair in the known universe. Anyway, I’d somehow forgotten just how many social rewards there are for conforming to an external societal ideal of “pretty”, at least when you have certain magic beans of privilege that allow you to play that game. Suddenly everyone I encountered was so warm and welcoming, and every single person I passed smiled at me. I had this moment of ohhhhhh right I never look “girly” (which itself is such a problematic word), and I’d forgotten how much easier it is to just be in the world when what I am presenting makes sense with what most people are trained to prefer to see. And I find everything about this intensely frustrating. I’m grateful for the extra energy/spoons I had this week as a result of being surrounded by people who had instantaneous positive reactions to my presence for no legitimate reason, and also I hate the game, I hate that it exists, I hate that playing it “well” has so many rewards, I hate that it’s set up in such a way that not everyone can join in even if they want to, and that we are all socialized to doubt whether we deserve to play at all while still thinking that we have to. A breath for dissidence.
- Repeat from last week: Not tired at night, very tired by day. And I can’t nap because house is full of contractors making noise, and I want a home that is home for me, and I am tired of being in between. A breath.
- Things that are lukewarm when I want them to be steamy and thrilling. A breath for wanting what I want.
- Not feeling excited or motivated about dance. My favorite blues dance was not fun, skipped west coast entirely because it’s hit or miss, and my confidence is too shaky right now to handle a miss. A breath for trust and for process.
- The guy who thought it was hilarious to aggressively block my path and move back and forth to attempt to prevent me from passing him, while I was en route to the bus. I recognized him from half a block away, not as someone I knew but as a type, from back in my bartending years, the kind who can’t see a woman while around his friends without having to mess with her for their entertainment. He was out of luck, since I had already transitioned into Tel Aviv mode, not breaking course or speed, because Tel Aviv Havi is like, “Okay creep, you wanna play chicken? Get ready to MOVE OUT OF MY WAY or fall on your ass because I am going to plow into you with everything I have, and if I miss my bus because of your bullshit, I will actually destroy you.” He jumped aside at the last second. I was fine in the sense that I didn’t get triggered the way I usually do when men decide to get predatory around me. But I was also not fine in the sense that I did get triggered into being Tel Aviv me for the rest of the day, and Tel Aviv me is bitter, tense, angry, ready for a fight with ANYONE, and extremely wary about getting on a crowded bus. A breath for everything about this.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I’ve been in a weirdly fantastic mood all week. To the point that despite the perfect storm of the aforementioned Shit Does Not Stop Going Wrong combined with lack of sleep, I just feel positive about everything in my life. It’s kind of amazing actually. I wish I could share some of this wild excess of probably completely unjustified hopefulness with you! Will sprinkle some here just in case. I don’t know. Nothing got to me this week even though normally the combination of dead-as-a-doornail computer, thousands of dollars in unanticipated costs, street harassment, delayed plans, AND SO ON ALL WEEK LONG would result in me experiencing this as pretty much the worst week ever. Also it would probably involve some pretty massive meltdowns. But I just felt really peaceful and trusting through all of it. Maybe the superpower I keep wishing for lately of I Have Forgotten How To Worry has kicked in? I am not at all worried about any of the worrisome things, and it is wonderful. A breath of joy and gratitude for this.
- Similarly, I have been Trusting Love (yes, that was my wish), and this is changing things in so many ways. A breath for how remarkable this is.
- I had the superpower of [Luckily, X!] aka What Fantastic Unexpected Luckiness, aka finding the good. For example, forgetting my wallet and phone while running late to an event actually turned out to be the best thing that possibly could have happened instead of being a disaster. A breath of appreciation.
- This week had a surprising amount of unplanned fun in it. While en route from one dance workshop to another dance event, I ran into a waltz buddy of mine and his new girlfriend having tacos and margaritas, and joined them for an hour. Yesterday took myself to see a movie (Hail Caesar!) in the middle of the day. A breath for joy, play, following instinct and desire, and for the pleasure of a gigantic bowl — yes, a bowl — of popcorn.
- This week I was really committed to the parts of life that are important to me, like being a free spirit and following joy and writing the things I want to to write, which is kind of a big deal, since the monster crew is generally pretty strongly opposed to these. A breath for lightness and lighheartedness.
- Brandi Tobias, probably my favorite dance teacher in the world, was in town for the weekend, and I was able to take six whole workshops with her! What unbelievable fortune to live in a city that regularly hosts the great dance minds of our time. A breath of thankfulness.
- I just feel good about life right now, and I don’t know why, and I don’t need to know why. None of the things I would assume would instigate this shift-in-perspective have happened, as far as I can tell, nothing has happened at all. But here it is. A breath of appreciation for life and aliveness.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the far-away beautiful cowboy whispering sweetness through the ether, waltz brunch, supportive friends, helpful strangers, hilarious coincidences, knowing what I want, a really good last dance (do-overs forever!), tears of joy for Harriet Tubman on the (future) twenty dollar bill. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
In progress: the Studio Op, The Fountaining, Wild Wild Nest, Operation Jubilation. Wild Montage and The Wild Convening are percolating. Thank you, fractal flowers.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the power of relax-and-trust, and that’s what happened!
Also had the unexpected superpower of I Don’t Have To Wait For The Bus Because Look Here It Is, which included a run of five buses in one complicated trip, and even kept me from getting caught in a giant hailstorm.
Powers I want.
The powers of Equanimity, Motivation Returns, and some seriously Coen Brothers levels of exuberant, zany deus ex machina solutions to everything that needs solving.
The Salve of Relaxed and Positive
This salve shifts perspective so smoothly that you won’t even feel it happening.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band:
Legitimate Mouse
Their latest album is Prospective Pastry, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
The superpower of yeah let's do this!
I want to try something with you.
But first I feel drawn to tell you two stories on my mind right now, both from the world of dance, which is where I am when I’m not writing, and also the place where writer-me goes to study voice, trust, patience, lusciousness, and process.
A different way of thinking about imitation.
At a training with Brandi Tobias, world champion dancer.
She watched the room and said, “Okay people, I need you to dance the same pattern again, but this time do your best imitation of how a world champion dancer would dance this pattern.
We did it again. It was better. A remarkable amount of better. The room felt different too, tingly and alive.
She sighed. “I don’t know whether I like this exercise or not. I love watching you guys dance so much better, but honestly it pisses me off to no end that you seem to think you need permission to have confidence in your movement.”
Changing the definition.
I have always thought, without out really thinking about it, that imitation is just never good — it’s not being true to yourself, wanting something that isn’t yours, and so on.
Certainly as a writer, one of my greatest frustrations is when people try to write in my voice instead of being inspired to turn inward and find theirs. Sincerest form of flattery means nothing to me. Things that resonate with truth mean everything to me.
But what if I rewrite the word? What if imitation can also mean granting ourselves permission to glow? In that case, imitation becomes the sincerest form of trying on a glow to see how it transforms a moment…
If that’s true, then people can let go of the need to imitate my voice and instead imitate the trust that it takes to share of yourself in your own way, glow your own glow. Oh, the tingly real magic of that.
Nothing to prove.
At a seminar with Brad Whelan on the Art of Winning (dance competitions).
He told a story about a time he danced very well in a competition and would have made finals (in the top division) but for one point marked down by one judge, who happened to be a good friend of his. So he asked her what he could do differently.
She said, “You were great. It’s just, you were dancing like you were trying to make finals, you weren’t dancing like you thought belonged there.”
That was his turning point, he stopped trying to prove he was good enough and started dancing like he knew he was, and now he always makes finals.
Right now.
One of the things I love about dance — and by “love”, I mean it drives me up the wall, is that yes, you need technique, and yes, you have to develop artistry, but so much of it, maybe even most of it, is just trusting that you are allowed to stop doubting yourself.
Which is not the easiest thing to learn how to do.
But think about the power of this:
Not waiting for Oh Someday In The Distant Future When It’s Been Proven That I’m Amazing And Therefore I’m Finally Allowed To Act Like I Am Relaxed, Positive and Sure Of Myself In Everything I Do.
Just deciding that right now, in this moment, I get to have fun, I get to glow, I get to feel what it’s like to be wildly confident, because that feeling is a good thing for my body to be able to feel.
The superpower of yeah let’s do this.
I’m taking this concept and repurposing it for my L.I.S.T. — my to-do list which is also an acronym for Luscious Intrigue of Secret Treasure.
Let’s imagine that the World Champion of Crossing Shit Off The List (something I generally believe to be overrated but I could really use some of that magic today) is here with us right now.
She says, “Okay people, let’s play with one thing on our list, and let’s do it like we are world champions of crossing shit off, we have all the superpowers needed for this. What does this look like? One thing. How are we going to approach? With style! You’ve got the glow. You’ve got permission (always) to glow. Let’s see how this feels.”
Here are the superpowers we get to have today.
We get to have them because we just do, and also we are imitating them to remind ourselves of what that might feel like….
The superpowers of:
Wonder Focus. I’ve Got This. I Ask The Right Questions. Relaxed and Positive! I Trust Myself More Than I Ever Have Before. World Champion Crosser-Offer! Everything I Do Counts, No Matter What The Monsters Think. Fractal Flowers, baby.
Let’s play in the comments!
Here’s how this is going to work….
- We decide we have the superpowers and we have the glow, or at least we’re imitating them to see what that feels like and how it changes the moment.
- We name some of the things on our L.I.S.T. of things that want to be crossed off or otherwise released.
- We choose one thing to investigate and see what might help move it forward.
- We award ourselves absolutely thrilling over-the-top amounts of sparklepoints for anything and everything!
And then we can check back in, throw some sparklepoints around and apply more superpowers as needed. You can also just say hi, share appreciation and enthusiasm, and of course make up acronyms, because that is the best.
As in all things, permission and legitimacy!
Life is busy and challenging, the game is super rigged, things pretty much always take an entirely different amount of time than anticipated, everything counts. Endless respect (and a billion sparklepoints) to us for getting through the day, however it happens. Everything else is a bonus.
The superpower of yeah let’s do this!
I want to try something with you.
But first I feel drawn to tell you two stories on my mind right now, both from the world of dance, which is where I am when I’m not writing, and also the place where writer-me goes to study voice, trust, patience, lusciousness, and process.
A different way of thinking about imitation.
At a training with Brandi Tobias, world champion dancer.
She watched the room and said, “Okay people, I need you to dance the same pattern again, but this time do your best imitation of how a world champion dancer would dance this pattern.
We did it again. It was better. A remarkable amount of better. The room felt different too, tingly and alive.
She sighed. “I don’t know whether I like this exercise or not. I love watching you guys dance so much better, but honestly it pisses me off to no end that you seem to think you need permission to have confidence in your movement.”
Changing the definition.
I have always thought, without out really thinking about it, that imitation is just never good — it’s not being true to yourself, wanting something that isn’t yours, and so on.
Certainly as a writer, one of my greatest frustrations is when people try to write in my voice instead of being inspired to turn inward and find theirs. Sincerest form of flattery means nothing to me. Things that resonate with truth mean everything to me.
But what if I rewrite the word? What if imitation can also mean granting ourselves permission to glow? In that case, imitation becomes the sincerest form of trying on a glow to see how it transforms a moment…
If that’s true, then people can let go of the need to imitate my voice and instead imitate the trust that it takes to share of yourself in your own way, glow your own glow. Oh, the tingly real magic of that.
Nothing to prove.
At a seminar with Brad Whelan on the Art of Winning (dance competitions).
He told a story about a time he danced very well in a competition and would have made finals (in the top division) but for one point marked down by one judge, who happened to be a good friend of his. So he asked her what he could do differently.
She said, “You were great. It’s just, you were dancing like you were trying to make finals, you weren’t dancing like you thought belonged there.”
That was his turning point, he stopped trying to prove he was good enough and started dancing like he knew he was, and now he always makes finals.
Right now.
One of the things I love about dance — and by “love”, I mean it drives me up the wall, is that yes, you need technique, and yes, you have to develop artistry, but so much of it, maybe even most of it, is just trusting that you are allowed to stop doubting yourself.
Which is not the easiest thing to learn how to do.
But think about the power of this:
Not waiting for Oh Someday In The Distant Future When It’s Been Proven That I’m Amazing And Therefore I’m Finally Allowed To Act Like I Am Relaxed, Positive and Sure Of Myself In Everything I Do.
Just deciding that right now, in this moment, I get to have fun, I get to glow, I get to feel what it’s like to be wildly confident, because that feeling is a good thing for my body to be able to feel.
The superpower of yeah let’s do this.
I’m taking this concept and repurposing it for my L.I.S.T. — my to-do list which is also an acronym for Luscious Intrigue of Secret Treasure.
Let’s imagine that the World Champion of Crossing Shit Off The List (something I generally believe to be overrated but I could really use some of that magic today) is here with us right now.
She says, “Okay people, let’s play with one thing on our list, and let’s do it like we are world champions of crossing shit off, we have all the superpowers needed for this. What does this look like? One thing. How are we going to approach? With style! You’ve got the glow. You’ve got permission (always) to glow. Let’s see how this feels.”
Here are the superpowers we get to have today.
We get to have them because we just do, and also we are imitating them to remind ourselves of what that might feel like….
The superpowers of:
Wonder Focus. I’ve Got This. I Ask The Right Questions. Relaxed and Positive! I Trust Myself More Than I Ever Have Before. World Champion Crosser-Offer! Everything I Do Counts, No Matter What The Monsters Think. Fractal Flowers, baby.
Let’s play in the comments!
Here’s how this is going to work….
- We decide we have the superpowers and we have the glow, or at least we’re imitating them to see what that feels like and how it changes the moment.
- We name some of the things on our L.I.S.T. of things that want to be crossed off or otherwise released.
- We choose one thing to investigate and see what might help move it forward.
- We award ourselves absolutely thrilling over-the-top amounts of sparklepoints for anything and everything!
And then we can check back in, throw some sparklepoints around and apply more superpowers as needed. You can also just say hi, share appreciation and enthusiasm, and of course make up acronyms, because that is the best.
As in all things, permission and legitimacy!
Life is busy and challenging, the game is super rigged, things pretty much always take an entirely different amount of time than anticipated, everything counts. Endless respect (and a billion sparklepoints) to us for getting through the day, however it happens. Everything else is a bonus.
Do-overs forever!
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 354th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
strands
I have two wishes this week and I strongly suspect
they might be the same wish
no, that isn’t right, maybe I feel
two wishes coming together to form a new wish
I am picturing that elegant double-helix that makes up DNA —
each strand needs the other
I don’t yet know exactly how they are connected
but that’s what the practice of wishing is for:
to explore, tease out, engage,
bringing my most receptive and curious self to the front
(oh! is there a me who is not afraid to want?!)
and who knows, maybe combining wishes in this way is extra-magic
a combination wish, whose power increases through the melding of its parts
let’s find out
conversations
my wishes were born from conversations
as wishes often are
would you like to listen in
(1) to wait or not to wait
me: how go the missions?
the arborist: all missions proceeding at pace, with no hurry, yet all is done in time, though it likely appears from the outside as a form of not-doing*
me: same here
the arborist: of course
release worry
the arborist: the interesting thing is, just about everything works out sooner or later, which is weird because in between it’s hard to wait, but experience provides incontrovertible evidence that it’s just a matter of time
me: yes, it is especially interesting to me right now, because the answer to nearly all situations in life seems to be “wait, be peaceful, trust”, and occasionally the answer is “be peaceful and trust, and by the way you’re being redirected because the path you’re following is no longer your yes, so cut your losses and get out!”
what do I know about this wish, this strand?
I want to trust that Release Worry is always the answer
to make Release Worry the practice of life
and I also want to be able to differentiate between
“stop worrying and do nothing,
just take really good care of yourself and keep checking in with your yes”,
which is the answer 90% of the time,
and I want to remain alert
because sometimes the answer is actually more like
“no need to worry here, and also the thing you are currently pursuing is not a joyful mission for you, so it’s time to adjust course…”
bruised
this is such a painful topic, there’s a
sore vulnerable bruise here for me, it goes deep
you think it’s healed but then a little pressure and there it is
once upon a time I ran a successful retreat center
I chose to expand, sinking (yes, what a word)
sinking all my resources into a second, much larger one,
this decision was one of those noir moments that unleashed
a disaster of tremendous proportions
with long-reaching consequences that I could not have imagined
like with so many hard things, it was revealed in time
how this experience secretly held enormous treasure for me
and yet knowing that it was good for me does not entirely
(yet, at least)
assuage the grief
it is possible to feel two things at once:
a fullness of gratitude in my heart for everything I learned
— and for the gift of not needing to learn it again later! —
and at the same time this aching bruise of oh wow what a painful learning
reflecting
I look back on this period of time
everything in my life crashing and burning but in slow-motion,
over months and months
how I clung to the answer “be patient, trust, wait, let this work itself out”
that was my lifeline
and guess what, it wasn’t the right answer for that situation
well, it was in the sense of that’s the answer I went with
of course my support for past-me is A THOUSAND PERCENT
she did what she believed to be right, doing
the absolute best she could given the intel, resources and life experience
available to her at the time
I am achingly proud of her for her perseverance, how much she wanted to trust,
how fiercely committed she was to seeing it through
even if in hindsight we know that seeing it through, in this case,
meant until the bitter end which could have been avoided
by getting the hell out way earlier instead of
patiently passively waiting-and-trusting
what is the wish hidden inside this?
- I want to know/feel/sense the difference between “yup, we have a wait-and-trust situation here” vs “trust in all is well, and also it’s time to take action”, and I’m not sure I entirely believe that there is a way to know the difference until after the fact, though maybe that’s a monster belief, maybe if I trust myself more, I will be able to hear the distinction
- what is the trust-and-wait that is active, not passive — fully engaged with all my senses, full presence, not something that happens in the background, but my conscious choice in a moment…
- may I be so attuned to my yes, so steady in my ability to stand in my sovereignty and trust my instincts, so committed to removing sources of noise in my life, that the next indicated step in any situation is just beautifully obvious (I mean, I’m probably tripping over it right now and not noticing)
- when the next indicated step is not obvious, I want to practice active patience and active waiting, trusting harder, listening more, making sure I am well rested, releasing the need/desire/craving for distraction (oh how I crave distraction, and oh how readily it is available to me, usually in the form of interpersonal drama), just sitting with the emptiness until whatever needs to emerge is revealed
- and yes, the superpower of Do-overs Forever, which, interestingly, brings us to the second conversation, I see how these wishes are related now, more proof of the power of trust and wait combined with be alert, receptive and curious
(2) do-overs forever!
me: “I keep thinking abut your therapist, what you said she said, and how strongly I disagree with her vis a vis your ritual of making up for a bad meal with a good one — I think pleasure is so important, maybe the MOST important! Experiences of pleasure are healing, and experiences of not-pleasure are really more disruptive than we give them credit for. I want MORE of the superpower of Insisting On Do-Overs. I don’t want to shrug and say oh well so it goes. Layering on experiences of pleasure with love and intention in order to rewrite old pain is the deep work of life, as I see it, it’s one of the most powerful forms of healing…”
we talked this over for several days….
- does it cost us anything to make up for bad experiences? especially if we do this with presence, intention and love? probably not…
- I don’t worry about the big things (I don’t need a do-over for my marriage, for example, it happened and it was what it was), but yes, that terrible breakfast? let’s try again and see if we can deliver some joy, pleasure and lusciousness, as a reminder about life and aliveness, if we have the means to do so… and feel awe: what a blessing to be able to do this!
- looking for do-overs is fun (yesterday I forgot how to smile back at a warm stranger, but today I figured it out)
- noticing where do-overs are desired gives me useful intel about the nature of my pain, which I may have hidden from myself because my monsters say I don’t get to feel bad about things that aren’t “meaningful” — because my monsters forget about the fountain, and think I’m only allowed to feel sad about “legitimately” sad things like starving children if I want to be a Good Person, and [how dare I also have feelings about day to day goings-on in my life]
what do I know about the superpower of do-overs forever!
do-overs forever is a gleeful battlecry
a subversive healing
a way to invite in what I really want more of:
trust, hope, pleasure, newness, acknowledgment, legitimacy, permission, beauty, release, tikkun, sustenance, nourishment, compassion, forgiveness, wonder, play, big wild joy
and equipoise, a beautifully serene word for a balance or counterbalance
something about this draws me back to that double helix image
I get to pick a new door this time
do-overs forever makes it easier to
try new things in the video game
take different risks
let go of the regrets about all the times I didn’t (or couldn’t)
take care of myself
the times I made choices I wouldn’t make this time
and yes, maybe that was yesterday
maybe it was five minutes ago
no big deal, I’m choosing differently now
do-overs forever!
what is the relationship between my wishes
[trust and wait] + [listen for when to act] + [as many do-overs as I want]
and of course knowing that All Is Well no matter what I choose
because it just is
what is my wish really about
you know what? I think it’s actually about being more deeply involved
in the play of life and aliveness
not trusting just because I think this is what I “should” be doing
no, I want to trust because it is
raw, brave, vulnerable, slightly absurd, and right
similarly, I don’t want to choose action out of fear that if I don’t act now
then I might repeat past experiences of waiting too long
no, I want to choose action when I hear my yes,
yes to vitality, yes to play and presence, yes to life and aliveness,
yes to disrupting the rigging of the rigged game
yes to a brash audacious trust that makes me laugh
an adventurous spirit
from now on each time I choose trust-and-wait-patiently
I will do it as a grand adventurer
now
madonna is telling us to strike a pose
and literally no one in this cafe is so much as twitching an eyebrow
or tapping a foot
it’s almost like they don’t even hear the music
I don’t know how to not hear the music in my body
here’s to the superpower of a little ribcage slide-and-pop to the rhythm
here’s to the superpower of remembering
that I can let the music indicate how I move
the superpower of beautifully supported
ah here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and oh how I need this superpower of
Beautifully Supported
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called trust love…
sometimes I am taken aback by how deep a wish will go
this week delivered so many clues about trusting love
until something in me shifted
and now I am (amazingly) doing just that
I kind of figured this would be one of those wishes that takes a couple years to land
but here we are, trusting love, and somehow everything is still okay(!)
better, even
who knew?
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
chicken gets the band back together
Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 403rd week in a row we are chickening here together!
What worked this week?
Asking. This applies to about six different situations, at least.
Next time I might…
Try to keep in mind that I am not the only one who vastly underestimates how long things take, we all do, because the game is rigged! And shift mindset accordingly.
Naming the days.
This week was the week of trust love, and here were the days:
Day of earth and pleasure. Get wild and clear. Day of sweetness. Delight in this day. Let’s trust the ground. Beautifully clear. Ready.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Oh Another Patience Test, That’s Hilarious
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Repeat from last week: I want a home. I want a home that is safe, cozy, welcoming and feels like Havi space. I want this so much, and some days it seems closer, and some days it seems impossible. More than this, I want shelves and to be done living in temporary spaces with everything in bags. A breath.
- Two big painful misunderstandings with the beautiful faraway cowboy, and then we were able to resolve them but there was still more I wanted to talk through and still feeling hurt and sad, except now he’s gone for a week in the wilderness, which I’m sure feels like “and…saved by the wilderness!” but I’m still here with my feelings, and it sucks. I keep catching myself stew-stirring and then releasing the need to stir the stew. But also there are moments of no, I will stir this stew until I am done stirring. A breath for wanting to be heard and understood.
- Huge project stalled due to Unexpected News which is now leading me to question all my choices and plans, and wondering if it’s worth it to focus on patience and trust, or just cut my losses and get out now, and then rethink everything because it turns out I don’t actually have a plan B that I like yet. A breath for presence and listening, so I can turn inward and feel-hear the next indicated step. Also, I want BANTER in my life, where is the banter, not sure why this is related but it feels important.
- Not tired at night, very tired by day. Which is very weird but would still be fine if my house wasn’t full of contractors making very loud noise all day. A breath for comfort.
- Endless complicated logistics. I just want to go somewhere on holiday and come back and have everything sorted, but it doesn’t work like that, or maybe it does but I don’t know how. A breath for trust and more patience.
- Phone got water in it. It works but is really hard to read, and the rice trick everyone swears by is not doing it for me. File under It’s Always Something, like so many other things this week that I can’t even remember anymore. A breath for finding the good.
- Dance training has gone off the rails and hopefully is waiting for me somewhere in my future, right now between being exhausted and noisy house repairs, it’s all I can do to sneak in a few minutes of stretching. My poor body really could use a lot more movement but now is not the time. A breath for easing.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The Richard Powers workshops were enormously inspiring, what an honor to get to study with him. Feeling grateful for Portland’s warm and welcoming alternative waltz community, and for the richness of opportunities in this city. A breath of joy and wonder that I was able to take part in this.
- Taking care of myself. This is a good thing and gradually becoming more natural and automatic. I skipped fun activities because I knew that chilling in bed would do me good. I made sure I had good nourishing food. I practiced grace and compassion, and didn’t give myself crap for self-medicating when that was the thing that made the most sense in the moment, even though I hold onto hope for future moments where I maybe make other choices. I chose understanding instead of guilt. A breath of appreciation for all of my Selves, and all the work we’ve done to welcome each other with love, and learn how to rest.
- Got an absolutely INCREDIBLE piece of Surprise Good News that was so completely unexpected and brings so much ease into my life. This is also so perfect because all of my weekly wishes lately have been about exactly this. A breath for wonder and joy.
- Even though I haven’t been dancing or practicing nearly as much as I would like, had two fun (brief) dance excursions this week and got a taste of what I love about deeply connecting with another human without words. A breath for play and for sweetness.
- Ditto on last week: While there were some minor panics this week, the hard bits of this week were nothing like last week’s. Totally doable. We’ve got this. A breath for ease.
- I was able to find the good in the hard in so many ways this week, from accepting the unexpected not-what-I-wanted news, to coming to new understandings with the far-away boy through talking things out with patience, warmth, curiosity and love. A breath for practice, because practice is beautiful and important.
- Feeling so appreciative of this online space, the people who read and the people who comment. What an special thing we have here, what good people. I wandered to other places online this week and was like, ohmygod what is even happening out there, because I forgot that things aren’t like this. This is actually kind of amazing, the kindness and the vulnerability, the safety, the creativity. I am so fortunate to have this community. A breath of appreciation and awe.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of really good soup, really good smiles, friends near and far, walks in the park. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Progress on the Studio Op, thoughts on the next phase of The Fountaining. Baby steps on Wild Wild Nest. Operations Jubilation slow and steady, Wild Montage taking a nap. Waiting patiently for the right time for The Wild Convening. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I hereby bestow vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of roots and beautifully supported, which I got in the form of my surprise good news, and also in all the things I learned in dance.
Powers I want.
I want all the powers of trusting the forward movement that I cannot see yet, the seeds underground. I want to relax because I have seeded all the best seeds, and I don’t need to fret about whether or not things will come into fruition. Something wonderful will, because that is how this garden works.
The Salve of Trusting The Garden
This salve delivers so much calm. It is related to the salve of I’ve Forgotten How To Worry. Wearing this salve will help you smile more, nap more, ask more questions, trust your own answers.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Steve and the album is from Richard:
Reinventing Shellfish
Their latest album is And There’s Nothing You Can Smash To Make It Better, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!