A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

The Scale of Aversion and a bridge of bridges

Just some background stuff

In my world:
I had to evacuate due to fire so a) my mind is a little all over the place, b) I am also all over the place, c) please think good thoughts for my sweet home and beloved tree friends, and if you want to light an imaginary candle or plant an imaginary tree of good luck and safety, that’s welcome too.

In our world:
I know we are all going through it right now, for a variety of reasons, and there is no shortage of scary stuff going on, geopolitical and local and in all ways.

Fluent self, fluent world, ideally

I know it’s hard to focus on anything right now, with all the scary situations. And maybe it seems frivolous to be focusing on internal work.

And yet…

In my experience, playing and working with self-fluency supports our ability to exist in the world with more stability, to hold steady, and to be a glowing source of good energy for the world and for people and situations we encounter.

So we are turning inward and playing, in the interest of curiosity, and also to support the greater good in a way that may seem small in the moment but is still meaningful in a fractal way. Let’s explore.

Time to do what’s indicated

It’s time to do what is indicated, which for me involves getting on the road and being a cowboy on the move, but it mostly involves breathing, doing grounding practices, turning inward, tuning in, paying attention, accessing tenderness.

Today I am sharing some notes from a little coaching call I did related to last week’s experiments in emptying….

Big thanks to Darcy for being courageous and open-minded and playing with me on this one, and for letting me share our fun processing experiment here.

The situation

Our friend Darcy was feeling some feelings about EMPTYING, both in relation to some Emptying Meditations someone had recommended she listen to, and to emptying things from her home.

With her permission, I’m sharing notes from our mini-session so that you can replicate this on your own at home if you like, inserting whatever word is bringing up stuff for you.

H is me and D is our friend.

The Scale of Aversion

The first thing I like to do in a situation with this is to check in on the Scale of Aversion / Disinclination / No Thank You. In other words…

Havi: Okay, so imaginary scale! How much do you think you resist the word or the idea/concept that is stressful or not working, on a scale of one to ten…

Darcy: Medium? Probably not that bad, maybe a 5, in the in-between. Maybe some aspects are really uncomfortable, and in some context emptying gives me the willies, but also in other contexts the idea of emptying feels really good and appealing.

Useful

H: What do you think would be useful to you about being okay or more okay with EMPTYING, whether that’s being able to listen to the meditations, or not needing them at all, or emptying in other forms…?

D: I honestly wouldn’t mind if I were pro-emptying in that way, whatever my beef with emptying is probably isn’t happening at a conscious level, it’s more like there’s an internal hitting the breaks, I listened to first ten seconds of the meditation and was like NO THANK YOU, I’m not doing this, and can’t tell you why…

Acknowledgment & Legitimacy

For me a huge part of self-fluency is practicing Acknowledgment & Legitimacy, over and over again. It is okay for us to be where we are. It makes sense that we are feeling what we’re feeling.

Completely reasonable to have aversion to emptying, or to a meditation on emptiness!

So I always like to just pause here and take a breath for Acknowledgment & Legitimacy.

We name what’s going on, we make space for it to be what it is in this moment. A safe space to experience what we are experiencing, nothing is wrong with how we are experiencing it…

Memory, insight, spaciousness

D: I remember now what he said in the meditation: “listen to everything going on around you”, it was probably just birds and a train whistle but i didn’t want to be hyper-aware of my surroundings…

Insight! We love this.

We take a breath of Acknowledgment & Legitimacy for this too. Not wanting to be hyper-aware of surroundings, not wanting to be aware of aspects of our surroundings that are upsetting. So reasonable, so understandable.

We also sent up a little prayer for the kids playing loud sports and the old-timers on loud seated lawnmowers to choose a different path, a quieter path, to take up a new fun quiet hobby, or to relocate their noise to a different location…

It couldn’t hurt. Meanwhile we are just naming what we are noticing about how we feel and how we are reacting, and making space for that.

Six hums

I wrote about this humming exercise the other week, but the basic idea is that it’s sort of a resonance exercise.

You block your ears with your thumbs and then press fingers between the brows, or cover your eyes if you like, and you take a lovely breath and HUM.

We did six slow hums, and then sat quietly just breathing to notice what that experience felt like.

D: Oh, I have my own personal private white noise machine that is in my head that I didn’t know existed! I was unaware that I could do this! That was so cool! And it is interesting that we were just talking about emptying because it did have an emptying effect on me, it basically filled the space that thoughts would normally chase each around in, the humming crowds everything else out!

Naming the negative associations with the word

What are the negative associations with emptying?

(I wrote about my own negative associations with emptying last week if you want to read that.)

D: I think the highest consciousness brain level of it is if I’m thinking about emptying my house and getting rid of things, and there’s a moment of panic like what if you need these items later, or regret it or you can’t replace them? It feels like anxiety about LACK and not having access, or a perceived future lack.

What does this remind us of?

H: What does this remind you of? Or, is there an image or association that comes up when you think about that?

D: This might sound silly but the only thing I really deeply regret getting rid of was an orange mini skirt with black fringe, it symbolized dance and fun and going out, and I wish I still had it even though I wouldn’t wear it now.

Naming the positive associations

When does emptying feel good or appealing or enticing? Or what are you reminded of?

D: An example of emptying that went great is I had a jewelry chest that belonged to my mom, and I hated it and it was not my style, but it was where I kept my jewelry, but finally I knew it needed to leave, and every single I walked into that room after it was gone, I felt relieved, for months, and even though I still don’t have a good place to put my jewelry, it’s fine, I’m just glad that jewelry chest is gone.

What is the bridge?

H: What is the bridge? Or: how do we get from one to another, from the place of Anxiety About Lack to that feeling of spaciousness and freedom you just described?
D: I visually see a very long bridge that you just walk over and it’s easy to recognize that you are walking to the beautiful place, that’s where the emptiness is that makes me happy

H: And do you need anything to help you cross the bridge or take it somewhere?
D: No, its like gliding. Like a people mover at the airport, It’s just walking me across.

What is needed, if anything

H: Is anything needed here?
D: I’m going to put a statue of the skirt at the outset of the bridge and a statue of a shelf of empty space at the other end…

H: I love this imagery because of the spaciousness in it! It feels like if you were missing the skirt you could just walk across and visit the skirt statue and say hi.

D: Yes! I have access to the spirit of the skirt even if the skirt is long gone!

What else is the bridge for

H: So now you can be people-moved across the bridge to the side of freedom, what else is the bridge for? Or is there anything else you need from it?

D: I love this bridge and can see how I can use it for clearing out my sewing room, because there’s glorious emptiness on the other side. It’s almost like you can’t take a bunch of stuff over this bridge, it’s not very wide. You can’t be carrying cartloads of crap; you need to be your unencumbered self just sailing over this space.

Messages

H: Is there any message the bridge has for you?
D: It’s saying, Come on!!!! Like a welcoming beckoning! That makes me so happy. Now I have a little mantra and a visualization to tune into when I’m getting ready to do some emptying.

A winding down

We did another six HUMMING breaths with ears and eyes blocked.

And on the last hum, I saw her bridge, clear as day. A beautiful vision.

We checked in again with the Scale of Aversion to see if D was still at a 5 or if something had shifted.

D: Yes, I feel like I’m at HELL YES LETS EMPTY! Ready to just glide along that!!!

A checking in

We checked in the next day and D said:

Thank you!!! That was great! I feel so happy now! 🙂

I know you already said and realized this, but the idea that I can go both ways over the bridge is so freeing! I can visit the things I release with my mind, and that’s enough!

A breath of relief, what a beautiful thing

I hope you enjoyed living vicariously through this beautiful and inspiring shift through the experience of reading it, and I hope it sparks new experiments for you that can facilitate shifts of your own.

Or maybe there is nothing that needs to be done and you are doing great!

A breath for the idea that just reading this was enough, and the fractal work is already happening for you beneath the surface, on multiple levels.

Here’s to that too, here’s to possibility and all the good things that are possible.

Any moments of relief and sweetness: this is what matters

I am happy for any moments of relief and sweetness in these hard, overwhelming, scary and challenging times.

Let’s hum our way through this together and keep dissolving little bits of stuck, for ourselves and to support each other and our world.

Making space, inside and out, in community, for the collective, supporting our inner selves and the miracles.

Rooted in gratitude

I am being asked by my own current situation* to really deep-dive into Compassionate Detachment.

* My own current situation being that my road was evacuated due to fire, I wasn’t able to take anything with me because I wasn’t there when this happened, not knowing if I will lose my beloved home and everything I own, too close to call!

And to stay rooted in gratitude, as I meet my fear, a fear that is very close to home, literally and figuratively.

Rooted in gratitude: I am physically safe, I am alive, I have somewhere to go, there is no one I need to take care of other than myself, I am blessed with kind, loving friends who are checking on me every day. The rest is not in my hands.

The rest is not in my hands

It’s out of my hands.

That is another form of emptying, right?

Something else to practice, and sit with.

The rigging of my ship

These are perhaps bigger and more complex topics for another time, but I am inviting us (and myself) to stay curious and receptive to these qualities and practices.

Things can be scary and hard (and they are!), and also I can call on this grounding, centering center of rooted in gratitude.

Rooted in gratitude is the rigging of my ship. This is how I return again and again into my thank-you heart.

A breath for this, and for how brave it is to keep practicing. We are allowed to be scared. And we keep practicing. Let’s keep practicing.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / last chance for Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

The glorious return of the metaphor technique

A little background

Last week when we were talking about bravery in the form talking to the void or tuning inward to talk to the heart, someone left the following comment:

“This post is super synchronicitous for me right now— I just got sent a list of meditations on emptiness by my doctor, and I can’t even begin to look at it. Maybe I can try to channel some of your extreme bravery and see about possibly taking a step closer. Most of us avoid the void!!”

Extremely reasonable I too do not wish to meditate on emptiness! The most relatable content.

Bringing it back, revised and updated

I was thinking about how meditating on emptiness also sounds daunting to me, and wondering what might help with that, and then suddenly I immediately knew what technique I’d use if I wanted to work on that.

Which made me realize it’s been a long time since we played with the metaphor technique around here, so today I am bringing it back.

We used to call this Metaphor Mouse, and I cannot remember why, but it’s a great technique and I use it pretty much all the time, and we should be playing with this more here too, so let’s do some of that today!

Apparently the last time I wrote about this technique here was 2011, so it’s definitely time to revisit…

What’s the metaphor technique?

The basic concept being that if a word or idea upsets us, or feels off-putting in some way, there’s probably a good reason for that. Understandable, whether we know the reason or not.

And we are wise and capable people who have the ability to play with and shift both the name and the meaning of whatever is feeling uncomfortable, so that we can find a more accessible starting point or entry point; something that doesn’t set off our aversion.

So on the one hand, this practice is about consciously making space for the aversion (aka Acknowledgment & Legitimacy), this is our starting point.

Then we very sneakily undo or counteract the aversion through rewriting / re-imagining our associations with whatever word or concept is a sticking point.

We make space for what is, and then we play

I totally get why someone might find meditating on EMPTINESS to be overwhelming, scary, uncomfortable or just plain unappealing.

So I invited this person to play with this technique that I used to write about a lot and haven’t written about in forever, and to keep her company I did the exercise too.

And in case you would like an example of what this practice might look like, I’m going to share my notes with you.

A quick review

We name all the negative qualities that we associate with emptiness and then investigate: does that bring up any kind of image or metaphor or idea or anything?

And we explore further: what are the positive qualities that we could find within [emptiness, for example] if we weren’t calling it emptiness or didn’t have this aversion, and does that remind us of anything?

And then how do we bridge between those two experiences, or what might a bridge look like or feel like here?

I am going to share my process with you this week and then next time maybe we can check in with hers!

A quick reminder

We know from the “People Vary” principle that words can have intensely personal definitions.

My definitions or associations may differ slightly or substantially from yours, and that’s fine. You can apply this technique and get your own answers and clues that work for you.

Your mileage may vary etc.

Potential negative associations with Emptiness (Havi’s version)

Hmmm, EMPTINESS. What don’t I like about emptiness when I am confronting emptiness?

+ too much space, it’s too big
+ scary
+ unsettling
+ anxiety: what if it gets filled with something I don’t like????
+ fear: am I going to have to be alone with my thoughts forever????
+ UNBOUNDARIED, where does the emptiness end
+ the Big Nothing is simply too vast
+ lonely
+ trepidation
+ unmoored
+ about to be washed away

Feels like / reminds me of

Maybe a documentary about outer space or the deep ocean? Like, I simply do not need to know about places that are so enormous my mind cannot comprehend them, it’s like contemplating infinity.

I know that some people feel reassured when think about how they are just a tiny meaningless speck in the grand scheme of things, but I feel the opposite.

It’s as if the MEANINGLESSNESS of it all overwhelms me and fills me with terror. I think maybe it’s also just the scope of it all. It’s too much to digest.

I have this fear, not a literal one but a felt-sense fear that is very emotional, and the fear is that I am going to be swept away and lost in space or at sea or in time, it’s unsettling in an existential way, if that makes sense.

Okay, so the image of emptiness makes me think of swirling around in space or being underwater, and lost to the vastness, and no sense of self or how to survive, a lot of futility and remorse amidst that fear.

Potential positive elements to emptiness

What is appealing to about emptiness? When does emptiness feel good, welcoming, accessible, possible?

+ like a new house, or an empty shelf, a beautiful and contained space that is waiting to be filled with objects that I love
+ the way I feel after a good yoga session when it feels like all the grit of my mind has been sifted out, and I am all glowy inside, my space got emptied to be filled with light and lightness and sparkle
+ the potential of something that is empty, like a jar that I can fill with home-made candied ginger, or a drawer that has been emptied
+ emptying air (gently, lovingly, without force) from lungs to refill and expand, the contraction before the expansion is like the moment between potential and kinetic

Feels like / reminds me of

I thought of an empty house, I thought of my body releasing after contracting, and expanding with new breath…

The image also popped up of a clearing in the forest, like suddenly you find yourself in an open circle, encircled by trees at the edges. A welcoming sweet space for camping, or for a ritual, or for taking a lovely nap.

The empty space is about spaciousness, but it is boundaried and contained. I know where it starts and ends. It can hold me. It’s a sanctuary space.

Finding a bridge, so to speak

So how do I move from EMPTINESS (I am hurtling through space, about to die) towards the kind of gentle, welcoming, expansiveness that is safe and contained of my forest clearing…

Or possibly I want emptiness in the form of a welcoming empty room that feels good, like a sanctuary or a yoga studio…

What I am actually picturing is the Dwan Light Sanctuary in northern New Mexico, one of my very favorite places in the entire world, an empty space that is full of rainbows because all the windows and skylights are prisms!

Wondering / wandering

If I am hurtling through space, is there a way I can land softly and safely in the sanctuary? Can I turn myself into a ray of light and beam myself in as a rainbow, can I become gentle diffused light?

Or is it as simple as grounding myself on the earth, and saying no to careening through space and saying yes to coming into sanctuary space. Arriving, safely.

Can I walk myself into the Empty Space that is welcoming, inviting, filled with soft light and rainbows, a safe place to hum, roll around on the floor, sit quietly, take a nap?

Can I perceive that I am held in community and companionship, all of us coming to our own quiet, safe, contained spaces and tuning into a shared hum of sanctuary space?

How do I feel

Much better, actually. More than I expected.

Shoulders are more relaxed. I like knowing that hurtling is unnecessary. There are other ways to be. What is important to me is shelter, light, comfort, arriving, and all of these are things I can access in my mind if I remember they exist for me.

Just remembering that the Light Sanctuary exists is comforting to me. I have a beautiful memory of spending a peaceful afternoon there, bathed in rainbows, feeling resonant and reverberating in the round space of humming light.

I feel more ready to embark on a Big Purge of stuff in my space. Looking forward to feeling a bit of Light Sanctuary energy here too. Maybe I want a prism. Maybe I am a prism. Maybe the rainbows are already flowing through me.

Let’s play through imagining & reverberating

Going to let that thought and that image reverberate within me and in my space and in the space of my mind for a while.

What if I can channel rainbows and shoot them out of my fingertips? Pew pew pew! That’s a fun thing to imagine. Let’s start there and see how it feels…

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process. Or try this yourself!

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️

A breath for these tough times

Sending out extra wishes of Safety & Sanctuary for everyone in the path of the hard things, what a scary time we are in, inhaling and exhaling, for compassion, strength, courage, swift and steady miracles.

Announcement / get your copy of Emergency Calming Down Techniques

I’ve been reeling hard lately in some cursed combination of heartache, numbness, political anxiety, winter stuff and some wild panic episodes.

Have been holding on (for dear life) to my Emergency Calm The Hell Down Techniques from a long time ago, and it’s been helping.

I am giving away a copy of these (ebook + audio recordings) to anyone who gives any sum of money to the appreciation funds / discretionary fund in the hopes that we can all keep practicing together, for each other and for the collective, and also for ourselves in these scary times. ❤️

Heart Felt

The hurting in question

On the way to yoga, I had an encounter with someone who once hurt my heart. Encounter is a generous word. They tried to get my attention, I ignored them.

The heart-hurting in question was brief and swift, a sudden moment like a knife thrust and then it passed. Grief to fury to bitterness to nothing to more bitterness. I exist at a steady baseline of bitterness, that’s not wrong.

The yoga class, ironically or not at all, was centered around a theme of heart-healing.

Couldn’t hurt, I said to myself. At least, not more than everything else does.

The bravery in question

Sure, I can be brave and do a seventy five minute heart-healing practice, while breathing through it.

That’s something too; not just the bravery, but the remembering to acknowledge the bravery.

Sometimes I forget that existing through ongoing pain / loss / trauma / heart-hurting is a form of bravery.

It is tough and I am tough. Both of those things can be true.

It is tough and I am tough

Both of those things can be true.

This is also a reminder that I need a thousand times a day.

This, and that grief really does have its own timing, and that I am brave for existing through it.

Stories that are untrue or mostly untrue

Sometimes in my mind the story that comes up is about weakness, or hyper-sensitivity. Why can I not get the fuck over the small hurts or the big wounds, or the cumulative pain of all of it.

And yet, reality remains. The hurt hurts, I keep on keeping on. This is a courageous yes to life and aliveness, whether I am able to acknowledge that in the moment or not.

What do I know about the story?

The story that says I am a big baby is obviously a monster story.

The kernel of truth within the lie of that story is that I do long to be over it, and that is a reasonable longing, that comes part and parcel with the human experience.

The most reasonable longing. I can stop blaming myself for longing.

Returning

On the way back from the heart-healing yoga class, or the yoga class that was focused on heart healing, I had another encounter.

This time an encounter with a person who hurt my heart a lot, and never apologized for it, in fact never even reacted in any way when I told them how deeply they had hurt me.

Freedom, I said, to the car and the winds and the enormous sky. Love, Courage, Strength, Miracles. A whole heart. Healing towards freedom. We can do this.

Dreaming

I got home and fell asleep and in my dream, I dreamed the entirety of the yoga class I had just taken, the heart-healing yoga class.

Does that make sense? I re-experienced the entire yoga class, breath for breath, in the dream.

Everything in the dream was exactly the same as it had been in the class, except there was a different person on the mat next to mine, and instead of a shoulder-stand towards the end, the teacher offered a headstand sequence.

In the actual class, I noped out of the shoulder-stand because of my neck injury, and took legs up the wall instead.

In the dream class, I skipped headstand for the same reason, and moved slowly back and forth between a dolphin pose and a downward-facing dog, focusing on fluidity, breath, strength, and of course, my poor beautiful hurting heart.

Same same but different

Beyond that, everything was exactly as it had been in real life. My subconscious created a replica of the class, and I went through the entire workout as I slept.

It was only as the class came to a close that everything changed…

At the end of dream-class, I turned to the man on the mat next to mine, and said something like, “What a lovely class…”

And he said, “I didn’t like that you were laughing at me.”

Untangling

The conversation got confusing, but it became clear that some awful misunderstanding had taken place in his mind.

Apparently at some point during my immersive dolphin-to-dog flowing sequence, I had been smiling to myself in a blissed-out moment within the practice. But at this moment, he had wobbled in his headstand, noticed my smile, and came to the conclusion that I was smiling because he was unable to hold the pose.

Each attempt on my part to explain myself seemed to go nowhere.

“I was entirely unaware of you, if I was smiling then it was to myself about something unrelated. Falling is part of balancing, I would never judge someone for falling in a balance pose, I don’t even do that pose because of my injury, to hold it for one breath is more than impressive enough for me, I wouldn’t laugh at someone for trying something hard.”

He got more and more upset.

Ah yes, the fear that is always there

Finally, I said, “Listen. I want us to be friends. I swear on all that is holy that everything I have said is true. Give this time and think it over.”

And he said, “I will probably forgive you by the next class.”

And we hugged it out, and I left class, and woke up.

I wouldn’t call it a nightmare exactly, because it was reliving a lovely yoga class, but it was intense.

And it did center on my eternal big fear, aka being misunderstood and unable to explain myself and blamed for something I didn’t do. Ah, the familiar wound, here we are.

Round two, or is it round three

I fell back asleep, and in the next dream, I ran into my friend V from Tucson, and relayed the entire situation to him. Yes, dream two was a recounting of dream one.

Except in this dream I did not remember that the story I was telling him had also taken place in a dream, and thought it was all real.

So I was telling the story of the dream within the dream.

It’s all about the heart, I said, that’s what it comes back to. This person did not trust my good heart and freaked out and ran, but my good heart is still my good heart.

Heart conversations

I don’t know what is left to do other than to keep interacting with my heart. Let’s try for a conversation.

Havi: I want to know you. I want you to trust me. I want this deep hurting to run its course. I want us to feel connected. I want to trust that there are ways out of the misunderstandings even if there haven’t been in the past. I want to hug it out like in the dream.
Havi’s heart: soft humming

Havi: Are you going to talk to me? Or is that just how you talk?
Havi’s heart: soft humming

Havi: Can I get a translator in the house please?
Havi’s heart’s translator: You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need to explain yourself. The fact that the world is full of conclusion-jumpers and people who aren’t ready to be vulnerable and real with you and talk it out or hug it out is not about you. You need to just keep humming your hum.

Heart felt

Havi: I feel everything in my heart-space, maybe I feel too much in my heart, maybe that’s why everything hurts all the time, in my heart.

Havi’s heart’s translator: You might want to try humming. If you can’t hug it out, you can always hum it out.

We take a break for humming, thumbs blocking ears, fingers to center of forehead

How was that

Havi’s heart translator: How was that?
Havi: Resonant.

Havi’s heart translator: What do you notice?
Havi: So many birds. The wind. Everything is moving, dancing a little dance.

Havi’s heart translator: You felt the dance. Pain is just one sensation, but the dance is bigger than the painful moments.

The Void

My former teacher used to say that the more you crave distraction, the more you need to sit with the void.

And if anyone craves constant distraction from loneliness and heartache, it is me. Even in my dreams, I invent new people to untangle with, to hug it out, to talk it through with me.

I don’t want to be with the void any more than I want to listen to my heart, and so I do another round of sensory humming.

But the void was still too daunting, so I spent an hour seeking distraction (studying Spanish).

Okay, so maybe this also requires a translator or an intermediary, or something to make the scary thing less scary, or something to invite in a braver version of me, but let’s start with what feels most approachable.

Let’s stay in this heart-space, hum it out, ask for more ease, insist on more ease. Safety first!

A trial run (but first we hum it out)

Havi: humming
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: hums back

Havi: I’m struggling with feeling lonely, but also I crave alone time, and I am bored of this conundrum, and I am craving distraction, and none of the available distractions are fulfilling, and I know that I need to spend time with the void, but it’s very intimidating…
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Humming works. You don’t need to do more than that. You are being honest, and that’s cool. Most people can’t bring honesty to the void.

Havi: When will it stop hurting this much?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: That’s not information we have, things take the amount of time that they take, just keep humming.

Hmmmm

Havi: I’m gonna need more than that.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: You are inside of the process, or inside of a process, or inside of many processes. You can’t see the forward movement, and maybe you can’t perceive it in other ways either, and yet it is still happening. The healing process is mostly invisible. That might feel frustrating. That might be why you are craving distraction.

Havi: Hmmmmm.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Say what’s on your mind.

Havi: I am hurting. I am also deeply sorry for hurting that I have caused others.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: And?

Havi: Hmmmm.

During the period of

The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Your efforts are enough. You keep looking for something more you need to do in order to experience healing. The thing is, there isn’t something you can do to make the healing happen, you just need to keep doing things that feel good while the healing happens in its own timing and its own way.

Havi: That’s actually helpful, thank you. But isn’t it about distractions then, like am I not still seeking things that feel good so that I don’t have to deal with the healing?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: You are keeping the healing company. And you are pursuing joy. These both have value. Find the pleasures, however small. Keep humming, keep checking in.

Havi: Tell me more about DURING, like what am I doing while this healing is doing its healing work beneath the surface.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Do what works. You like being outdoors, you like cooking, you like journaling, you like dancing in your kitchen, you like strength training and pretending to be a glamorous assassin recovering at a safe house. Pursue joy. And if joy is too big, then find tiny sparks of it and collect them. Smile at things.

Training

Havi: It sounds like a training. A slow-motion montage.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Maybe it is. Hum your way through. Pause to notice what has shifted already. Like we said, smile at things. People, objects, experiences, plants, ideas. Smile at them.

Havi: What else???
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: There is no else, this is exactly why people have such a hard time with the void. It isn’t about doing or seeking or shifting, it’s about humming, smiling, playing and then noticing what has already shifted while you weren’t trying to shift.

Shifting by not-shifting

Havi: I’m going to need to think on that, or hum on that.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Take your time.

Havi: That’s the thing though, isn’t it? It’s been so long, I feel so impatient.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: The shifting is happening. Just move your focus and your effort to the joy and not to the shifting itself.

What is next

Havi: What is next?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Other than humming and pursuing joy?

Havi: Yes
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Clean something. Move some things out of your space. Plan a small trip (you don’t need to take it, but planning it will give you some information). Bake that ginger cake you like. It doesn’t really matter. Just try some things that might contain joy. You are allowed to have more joy. Just because you are in heart-pain doesn’t mean everything has to be miserable.

Havi: That’s not what I was expecting you to say.
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: And yet, there it is. Joy is good medicine. Stop fighting with yourself.

Havi: Am I fighting with myself?
The Intermediary /Translator for the Void: Have you tried fighting for yourself? Maybe start there…

What is next (again)

Focusing on:

Neck stretches. Going for a walk. Listening to the wind. Inviting people to do things outdoors. Letting myself want what I want. Writing wishes. Humming the hum. Living room dance party.

Yes, we could bake something. Let’s start there.

Come play with me, we can name possible joy practices, or commiserate over how scary it is to talk to the void, we can hum our way through this too.

Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company

Leave a pebble (o) to say you were here, so I know I’m not doing this alone.

Also it feels good to pick up a pebble and place it somewhere, I have noticed.

You are invited to share any related situations or musings of your own if you like, or name any wishes that are in process.

And of course you are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, anything that helped, clues received, or anything on your mind, wish some wishes, process what’s percolating…

I am lighting a candle for us and our beautiful heart-wishes. What a brave thing it is to allow ourselves to want something better for us and for the world.

Or if there’s anything you’d like to explore further or toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.

Whatever comes to mind or heart. Let’s support each other’s hope-sparks…

Housekeeping note: You can subscribe to posts by email again!

If you aren’t seeing these updates in your in your email and want to, you can can solve that here.

This will pop up a new page on Follow.It that lets you subscribe via email, newsletter, or RSS reader. They say “expect 50 stories a week”, and that’s a very imaginary number, once a week is the dream.

I am emailing copies of the Emergency Calming Techniques package!

Anyone who gives to the Discretionary this week (more info below) will get my Emergency Calming Techniques package by email as a pdf. I am only checking email twice a week because I no longer have wifi at my place, long story, so be patient with me but if it doesn’t show up within the week then let me know!

I have some ideas for the next ebook too but if you do too, shoot me an email or share in the comments.

A request!

If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously.

I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to the Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.

And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️