What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
what do I want to reflect?
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 334th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
crucible/fruit
I have been at Rally (Rally!) all week, and Rally
is very much a crucible
an experience of contained spaciousness
in which things melt and re-form
it is intense
as usual, I am being shown what in my life is
incongruent, disharmonious
namely pretty much everything
and of course immediately after having
named this thought
I walked by the fruit bowl and saw
three tiny clementines had mysteriously gone completely moldy
— white and collapsed in on themselves —
and somehow I hadn’t noticed
new configurations
it is time to release [tiny oranges] to become compost
and it is time to let
everything that is no longer congruent with how I want to live
come into new configurations to meet
where I am now
(wishes from once upon a time)
I told the arborist that I do not wish to bring my computer along
on Operation Ruby Jewel
he spends his days in the trees
like I used to once upon a time
so he understands some things
but it is easier for someone whose livelihood is trees
to forgo computer time
than for someone (me) who has spent the past nearly eleven years
with this odd creature that is an online business
when I opened my second urban retreat center, I had a secret hope
that this would be my door into work that happens
in real space
palpable space
(of course I would still come here for chickens and wishes)
but I saw for myself a life where the computer was something
to visit once or twice a week
except
everything about this plan bombed spectacularly, as we know,
and while all is — and was and will be — well,
I am noticing some big grief around
the loss of that particular dream
not the center, I have mourned that as much as anything can be mourned,
but oh that wish for a life that is more trees and more picnics,
more climbing and less clicking
freedom
all my wishes lately have been circling around this
I always thought all my wishes were about sanctuary
but this week it became clear that the thing sanctuary exists to protect
(for me)
is always freedom
so not only is there ZERO CONTRADICTION between
my wishes to be both wonderfully sheltered and cozy,
and to be a grand adventuress following her wild heart
but safety and freedom nourish each other
so any wish about being free is automatically a wish for safe passage
something funny
long before this realization,
freedom was the word I chose for January 2016
in the (upcoming) Year of Doors
on the self-fluency calendar we make each year
where we literally schedule what we want by putting it on the calendar!
and you can feel how the desire for freedom has
infiltrated my wishes this year
being a panther is about freedom
as is my wish about less
and roots and undoing the rigging
and freedom is also a double-meaning wish: Independence + Sovereignty
let’s investigate…
when [freedom], what kind of freedom is this freedom?
- obviously I am already free, so part of freedom is remembering the truth of this
- falling in love with breath, treasure-breath
- did you know that 27 million people in our world are actually enslaved? I think about this a lot, I think about the small Uzbek children forced to labor in cotton fields so that comfortable people in North America can buy five dollar shirts at Target or whatever, our entire world functions as it does because of enslavement, and we are all at least tangentially complicit, and this is a very sobering thought, so I try to appreciate this great miracle of being born into my life, where I am free to think my thoughts and more or less make my own choices, remembering that the constraints I perceive are for the most part not real, and that constrained is a way of life for many….
- freedom to change my mind, to notice that my mind has changed: there is no need to adhere to a yes from then if it is no longer my yes
- freedom to let go of [oranges] that no longer reverberate with yes, whether they are visibly moldy or not, if it is done — for me, even if it is “unfinished” by any external measurement — then it is time to let it go with love
- a free flow of wisdom/intel/information: one of my commitments with this website is to have so much good learning available that anyone who is self-motivated can study self-fluency through reading my process, rituals, experiments and internal explorations, and never pay me for anything, unless they genuinely want to express appreciation and gratitude, which is always welcome
- a joyful yes to Less, and also freedom to wildly indulge in the sensual intentional pleasures of Luscious Minimalism, with no contradiction, because there is none
- freedom to feel what I feel, explore what I wish to explore, express myself as I wish to self-express, nap until I am done napping, write until I am done writing, and follow the thread of any internal adventure that beckons…
Reflecting
several years ago I was at a retreat where they made us (yes)
do collage, I’m sure they called it Soul Purpose Collage or
Heart Mind Knowledge Map or something that
bonks you on the head with how meaningful it’s supposed to be
I am somewhat allergic to things like this
(understatement)
and I thought collage was stupid and didn’t want to participate
but of course the words and images I casually selected
while grumbling to myself
were absolutely luminous in their ability to reveal-and-illuminate
the inner workings of my desires
they reflected back to me all the things I couldn’t admit
or didn’t know how to see yet
I told myself I would keep up the practice
but of course I didn’t
because collage never sounded appealing, and also:
what are you now, said rebellious-me, some suburban scrapbooking housewife?
a new name
one day ensconced in cushions at my own retreat center
with B, my partner in crime,
we were wondering why we never use
the beautiful tool that is collage
and decided to rename it
(one of my favorite freedoms is the freedom to
invent new words
to rename and rewrite)
we played metaphor mouse, and named all the
glowingly magical qualities of [yes, okay, collage],
as well as all the negative associations we wanted to detach
from this new name
the name that offered itself was Reflecting
a beautiful double-meaning word:
[Contemplation] + [Mirroring]
and we reflected — with great enthusiasm — every day for a month
pages of wisdom from past-me
I am sitting here with a giant stack of reflecting books
in awe over what 2011 and 2012 me reflected
so many beautiful wishes that are still beautiful wishes
so many beautiful wishes that have come true and now just are
and endless wonderful clues
some of them about the process of wishing itself
and some of them containing very clear directions
would you like to hear (read) some?
I will share some with you now if you like…
want things every week for you too
like a breath
serene brain cracking
fueled by light
there is no wrong
celebrate every glint, it knows
when to shape
find your balance with your balance
build more balanced balance
happy feet make your feet better
at what they were built to do
more of what you love
jump in / say yes
the possibilities are wide open
yes this is actually RADIANCE
time to start the chemistry of
moving and moved by
the place you thought you knew
hear the remarkable request
start a new language
play with harmony / pulse truth
plant a quality to warm the soul
give your secret spy self
just the right fuzzy holiday and be magical
in love with books and ideas
wish! we do it all while you sleep…
What do I wish to reflect
Not in the collage sense, but inwardly and outwardly in my life
as a living glowing being, a beacon in the world?
- qualities
- the glow compass (trust-relax-shine-expand-anchor-treasure-glow-wild)
- self-treasuring and self-sweetening
- presence and awe and permission
- reverberating in my thank-you heart
- wild playful joyful aliveness
- acknowledgment and legitimacy: the hard things are actually hard, and I’m allowed to not like them, to hide in bed, to cry and rage, to find things painful
- curiosity: what is here for me in this moment
- sensory pleasure, passion about butter
- my own quiet, and the treasures of these past three years of living in quiet
- breath
more about breath
last week my panther wish was also about breath:
take oxygen like it is your playmate, your lover, your new and only drug,
feel your pulsing life force glowing you alive
breathe like you have nothing better or more enjoyable to do than pulse with life
and this week I found myself been obsessively rereading
the poet Fred LaMotte on breath:
“Don’t imagine that breathing is something you do just to stay alive. Breath has a secret purpose. Each inhalation whispers the most beautiful name to every cell in your body.”
Mmmmm, a full breath of yes for that.
And then he also says, elsewhere:
“Attend
the breath.
It is not a metaphor,yet still
it transcends.Close your eyes.
It is darker than this.
Don’t be afraid.It is only the weight of the sun
un-creating itself
with the color of silence.Attend
this breath,
the only work that remains”
tell me, wild self, about the connection between breath and freedom
it is not only that one reminds of the other
I want to feel how they are linked
if my life is dedicated to being conscious and free
then breath is the dedication
the moment of saying I AM HERE
breathe can be used to turn up the glow
or to dissolve what needs dissolving
to clear out, to calm, to steady, to release
everyone knows this
and yet very few people know it
it is hard to remember something that just is, like stars,
and yet each one says
I AM LIFE I AM ALIVENESS I CONTAIN WHAT YOU NEED
you can name a breath anything you like
give it a color
breathe in and into all directions
I am free to breathe freedom
even when I perceive that I have none
I am free to breathe love
even when I forget that I am love
breath is the remembering
and the door
what do I know about my wish this week
it is a wish about attentiveness
I want another word for that, a warmer, sweeter word
like loving-kindness but for awareness
an awareness that is presence and noticing without guilt or shame;
radiant self-acceptance
ah here the oranges and orange-like things that have gone off
and here are all the places in my life
that need to be breathed into now
what I want to reflect is this presence
this sweet noticing
of what is here that needs to be gone
and what is forgotten that needs to be welcomed in
this is a seed wish
an anchor made of glowing seeds of light
to quote psalms, something I’ve probably never done here before,
and with a very Havi-translation of the hebrew:
light is being strewn/seeded for the just;
joyfulness for the true of heart
I do not know if this is true
but I want to reflect it through my life
I want to be someone who seeds light
who is true of heart
and who says yes to joy
now
I am in the middle of packing for Operation Ruby Jewel,
trying to hew to “travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light”
as the little tag on the teabag says
this is a mission related to freedom, desire, lightness
all the good things
and like so many good things, it asks for big wild trust
so let’s glow some of that
superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.
november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone
I am feeling very excited about the
meeting point of GLOW MORE
and TREASURE MORE (December),
and the way that Operation Ruby Jewel
combines both glowing and treasure/treasuring
this week I practiced not-dimming
by stopping a dance with someone in the middle of a song
and by knowing exactly what I want
without apologizing for wanting it
thank you, past-me, for putting my much-needed glow
on the calendar
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about being a panther, or possibly remembering that I am a panther…
I had moments of fully embodying my panther self, and it was delicious
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
wildest chicken
Hello, chicken: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 383rd week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
WWAWD
All week I have been imagining/remembering that I am a panther, and it turned out that doing things as a panther is a very useful way to do them.
For example, when the laundry basket was waiting for me to do something with it, and I was siting on the couch looking at it with zero desire to move, I asked What Would A Wild Do, meaning what would one of my wild selves do, and my wild panther self was like, WILD PASSION INTENSITY!
So I stood up and thought-glowed the words WILD PASSION INTENSITY LAUNDRY! And suddenly it was all handled and I was taking care of business.
And now we are going to chicken. WILD PASSION INTENSITY CHICKEN! Like that.
Next time I might…
Wish more wishes and [silent retreat]
Double meaning. I will silent retreat on what I might do next time AND next time I might just employ silent retreat, which is funny, because I don’t speak anyway, but what I mean by that is Interact Less in all forms.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Whatever Has Hot Peppers In It Sounds Good To Me
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Misunderstanding. I loathe being misunderstood. A breath for clarity, presence and trust that my true intention will be received.
- The beautiful boy who is far away was even more AWOL than ever, if possible. I would like to be over this already, and I am not, and that is just how it is right now. A breath for ease and releasing, and a wish for real connection, and people in my life who can actually be available for that.
- I woke up in the middle of the night and I had lost my yes. And, related, some things I thought might be fun for me this week were not fun at all. A breath of trust, it’s there even when I can’t see it or say it.
- Perceived obligations. A breath for glowing my glow despite this.
- I still do not like American Thanksgiving. I do not like being alone on the sudden-ghost-town streets, and the memories this conjures up. I do not like any of it. A breath for presence and love for me who went through all the hard things once upon a time.
- The Game is still so ridiculously Rigged. Tiny symbolic example: it took me until yesterday to actually make soup with the soup stock I made on Saturday, in case you were wondering, and that is just one example of how there is just so much doing to be done, so much more doing than can be done, and our world is broken in a thousand different ways, and there are so many challenges in opting out, in finding new ways. A breath for clear seeing.
- I don’t know where I’m going to live until my shed is ready, and this is bringing up so much old pain and fear, and I do not have yes about any of the options for in between, and really needing a perfect simple solution to raise its hand so I can see it. A breath for deep trust, and for asking.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Knowing how distressing American Thanksgiving is — for me — helped a lot, so I wasn’t taken by surprise this year. I did things that help (candles, coziness, being around people in ways that I don’t actually need to interact with them! ) and avoided everything that does not help (the internet!). I did cheesy 80s aerobics with happy people, and went to brunch with Agent Sloan, where I was delighted to be interrupted by a text from the Vicar who was brunching across the room with Agent Galaxy. And then hid for the rest of the day in a safe house that featured a very soft cat. This was good. Of course I missed the boy and thought about our cozy San Diego thanksgiving escape last year. But there have been worse years. Like, probably most years. This was exactly what I needed. A breath of thank-you to past me for everything she set up so that I could be wonderfully cared for on this day.
- I think I might finally be done hating Country Two Step, it’s the one dance I’m allergic to other than samba (and, sadly, contra, though with contra I like the dance itself, it’s just being in a room full of talkative extroverts that does me in, I would totally do Silent Contra). Anyway, country two step is finally starting to make sense to me, and this is enormously exciting. Things can change. THINGS CAN CHANGE! I really needed a reminder of that this week. A breath for positive change, and for feeling positive in general.
- A thing I thought might be pretty fun but wasn’t sure turned out to be EXTREMELY and DELICIOUSLY fun, almost impossibly high fun levels. A breath for things that knock your socks off with delight.
- Guess what, I am here and I made it through all the hard things with flying colors, including a day of 7.5 hours of being around people (5 hours too many), family visit, inconsiderate guests who barged into my room while I was napping, etc. And I’m doing surprisingly great. Like, this all happened and I did not fall apart. I was expecting aftermath, but I’m miraculously okay. A breath of appreciation and inward admiration. Well done, Agent!
- This week is RALLY, and Rally is big, big magic. It is shaking things up, but in exactly the way that they needed shaking. And the glowing is top rate. A breath of steady joy.
- Even when things are hard, I am now able to be in the hard and still access the part of me who is fiercely in love with life, and this is beautiful. And on thanksgiving I was delighted to notice while skipping stones that I felt completely and utterly THANKFUL in every way. So here’s to subverting thanksgiving and reclaiming Actual Thankfulness. A breath for fierce love: this breath, thank you.
- Treasure in my life in the form of delicious blues dancing, getting better at leading swing, peanut butter on everything (and then peanuts on top!), conversations with far-away friends, knowing what I want. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Operation Panther Time and the Melting Chocolate mission are go. The Fountaining op is simmering. Operation Ruby Jewel is ready for take-off on Wednesday, and I set up a rendezvous upon my return — with an agent who has higher clearance — to figure out next steps on Sweet Honey and Shed Shed Shed. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the superpower of remembering my glow, and it’s working! I also had the superpowers of Easy Positivity aka The Surprisingly Good Mood, Knowing What I Wanted And Not Second Guessing It Even When It Was Surprising, and Big Thankfulness.
Powers I want.
More panther superpowers. Wild pleasure, wild intensity, wild joy, wild self-treasuring.
The Salve of (Wild) Self-Treasuring.
This is a perfect salve to wear into December, the month of Treasure More.
The thing with self-care is people don’t realize it’s a starting point, not an end-point. I mean, I get it, when we are deep inside The Game Is Rigged, it is so challenging to do anything for ourselves, so: endless compassion for this.
This salve though is the bridge to understanding, deep in your body, that care is not only vitally important, it is the base minimum. We can apply care and then move from care into self-adoration, self-treasuring, self-welcoming, self-sweetening.
This salve is made of Warmth, Adoration, Mystery, Shelter, Tenderness, Lusciousness, shea butter, juniper berries and rubies. It glows, and it enhances your ability to glow, and not just to glow outwardly but inwardly, to glow qualities through your body.
As you rub it into your skin, you breathe into your glowing jewel-heart, and it’s no longer a question. Of course you are going to care for yourself beautifully to the best of your ability, as you are able, and of course you will be fine no matter what. This is how you treasure yourself. You are now able to do this, even though it maybe sounded a little intense when you picked up the jar.
It is intense, but it is also soft, welcoming, supportive. This is a secret Easing & Releasing salve, and if you keep it by the window, it will soak up some extra sun for you.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is:
Temporary Calamity
Their latest album is Everyone Hits the Wall At Once and you probably heard them open for Additional Cultural Pressure on Thanksgiving. And get this, turns out the band is just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
The gorgeous and extremely magical 2016 calendars are ready — The Year Of Doors! — and I believe there are not too many left. You can find yours here. The password: sweetdoors
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
I am a panther
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 333rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
prelude
Liberation story:
I am a panther
recently liberated (or self-liberated, possibly) from a zoo
it was a very spacious comfortable zoo, I wasn’t mistreated,
I just wasn’t free
now I am free and I don’t entirely know how this works
that is to say:
how am I (who am I) when I am free
how do I remember my way back into my essential panther nature
how do I reclaim my true freedom beyond just being outside of the gates
all good things are wild and free
Thoreau said this
but what does it mean to be wild and free
if Thoreau was right…
what is the good thing that is me
I made my way to the wise woman of the mountain
she wasn’t there
(I suspect this was intentional)
she left me a note in panther markings:
I cannot give you the answers you are looking for
only clues
here they are:
fall in love with oxygen
glow from within
what do I know about this
as a panther
what wisdom, what ancestral knowledge lives in my cells
waiting to be reclaimed
1) fall in love with oxygen, what does this mean?
breathe deep and free, inhale like it is your passion,
breathe your way into lost scent and lost wildness,
become intimately familiar with the passage of life energy
through you
take oxygen like it is your playmate,
your lover,
your new and only drug,
feel your pulsing life force
be breathed
treasure and pleasure in these breaths, each one glowing you alive
breathe like you have nothing better or more enjoyable to do
than pulse with life
because that is the way
2) glow from within, what does this mean?
be lit up
spark
and let every movement come from sparking
understand movement that ignites and is ignited
again, feel-and-be the pulsing life force
the rhythm that pulls you in
glow first, then allow
let the feeling of deliberate desire lead to deliberate deliverance
as wanting to move leads to that first movement beginning
leads to movement expanding leads to movement finishing
and evolving into the next movement
(you have to wait for it)
allowing each movement to reach its natural fullness, its expansiveness
trust this
trust your glow
trust your spark
trust oxygen to do what it needs to do
to soothe and to steady, to fill and to ignite
freedom is actually saying (yes) to life
and to do that you have to fall in love with breath
say yes with your breath
and glow-spark glow-spark glow-spark glow
(kick push coast)
do you remember?
in pursuit of freedom
here we go
how do I panther, how am I free, what do I know about this
free is living yes unhesitatingly (120%)
taking up space unapologetically
glowing harder
full trust
an impeccable awareness of {self} and {space}
both internal and external:
how much energy you have in a given moment
how much desire you feel towards or away from —
positive or negative connection
a reconfiguring of your atomic field
positive/negative charged ions
a panther lives in this shifting field
a panther moves through shifting fields as a
shifting field
of positive/negative charged ions
a force field of glowing
sparks of light
be unhesitating in desire
unhesitating in desire
unhesitating about desire
a panther doesn’t hem and haw about whether it wants or not
it either wants or it does not want, no hesitation necessary
it wants and it acts
it wants and it initiates movement
movement comes from center and expands, ripples out
movement collapses back in on the center like a black hole of desire which then
opens up and expands outward again
with each new breath and new desire
so many things you thought were yes are no
you thought they were yes because that was a yes from within captivity
it was a so-close, an almost, so it became a yes by necessity
you are free now, so you are DONE
with things that are almost and maybe and sort of
you can still enjoy anything that gives you pleasure
because pleasure has power
but you understand the difference between this temporal yes of
edge meeting edge
in the raw sexy touch of edge-play
vs the exhale yes of ahhhhhhhh this is home
(and yes, you can have both)
(and yes, you must have both)
(because you are a panther and you live this)
what else do I know?
plastic must go
panthers don’t like plastic
their golden eyes go indifferent
don’t put plastic near a panther
it’s just a different kind of cage
just let it all go
and then let go some more
a compass for being a panther in the month of Glow More
the month of Glowvember is good timing to be
a newly liberated panther learning about
sparks and ignition
having a wild affair with wildness
oxygen and freedom
here is the golden softly glowing
honeycomb-shaped sun-compass of Glow More
I do not know if panthers care much for compasses
but this one is looking for direction…
North: glow TRUST more
Northeast: RELAX and glow more
East: SHINE your glow more
Southeast: EXPAND into glowing more
South: ANCHOR the glowing-more of your glow more
Southwest: TREASURE your glow more
West: GLOW your glow more
Northwest: WILD glows more
being a panther
I listen to a recording about releasing fear of flying
(I do not have fear of flying)
(so I replace flying with glowing)
what do I know about the me who is
wholly unafraid
of glowing
Isabel Wild aka Incoming Me,
possibly also the wise woman of the mountain, says
one day you will laugh that you ever thought glowing was anything other than
calming and comforting
something you cannot be without
and truth: you glow already
people who can see do not miss it
so just turn it up
and let the glow be both a beacon to those who need to see you
and a fiery protective field to cloak you from everyone who does not need to see you
and know this:
being free is energizing
so let go of the perception that figuring out panther life is work
more about the me who glows
live this
enter this
we will glow so hard that [people at dance or on the bus] who try to siphon our energy
or express their unsolicited inappropriate thoughts
get BURNT, or at least LIGHTLY TOASTED
by our radiant glowing boundaries,
they immediately feel crispy and back off,
because we are a force to be reckoned with and
no one can plug into our power source anymore, amen
it is effortless
I do not initiate the burning
I am just radiantly present
and the glow holds itself
without needing me to do anything
glow requires of me only that I
rest (into clarity)
and follow the pulse of my beautiful desire
and breathe breathe breathe
my way into freedom
what do I know about my wish this week
it is a proxy,
that is to say, you might know this already but
I am not actually a panther?
or you could say: I am feeling into this panther story which is also my story
to learn what there is to learn about being
deeply involved in aliveness
with passion, intention and a renewed commitment to both
freedom and glowing
other than that,
the rest (ha!) is for me to find out
maybe freedom has to do with stepping outside of the rigging
or this could be about a wish I made in my heart about Not Settling
or a return to shmita life
maybe all of this and more
wishes after all are fractal flowers
and they go deep
so I look forward to discovering not only
my panther essence
and my spark-and-glow
but what else this wish holds for me
I only know that it will be beautiful
and it will glow
now
close to the fire with Agent Carolina Sloan and a compass
a pot of tea
and big magic
last week I said:
glow more glow more glow more
down the unfamiliar path
I think I am here
I think this is the unfamiliar path
freedom
superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.
november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone
this is a good superpower for
American Thanksgiving
which I call Hermitsgiving
because it makes me want to run away and hide
I can hide and glow at the same time though
these are not mutually exclusive
contrary to popular belief
in fact often retreating is the fastest way
to activate-and-enhance glow-state
a good way to not dim our spark for people
is to remember that there is enough oxygen for each of us
enough room for everyone’s glow
and that glowing delineates boundaries
and god knows we need more of that this time of year
I am also trying to stay offline (other than here)
because this is the season of Comparison and Scarcity Tactics
and other Wildly Unsovereign Bullshit
not dimming my spark means not engaging with the world where
that is normal and okay
thank you, past-me, for putting my glow
on the calendar
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about resting into clarity and the wild mysteries…
this was a good week for remembering how vitally important it is
to build in pauses
sometimes I chose them
and sometimes they fell into my lap
I have gone much deeper than I ever imagined
into the wild mysteries
(including, now, the mystery of my panther self)
(and the mystery of who am I when I am free)
and I am in awe of all the treasure here
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
chicken of the epic wipeout
Hello, chicken: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 382nd week in a row we are chickening here together….
What worked this week?
Glowvember
Remembering to glow more helps me notice when I am keeping myself small.
Next time I might…
Remember the concept of extenuating circumstances.
Often my monsters want the explanation that suits their agenda. Their agenda, as usual, is keeping me safe, and their preferred methodology is keeping me disappointed and self-doubting so I won’t get my hopes up.
For example, if I don’t hear from [person] all day, the monster explanation is that I have been forgotten, when the actual explanation is that they’ve been stranded in a motorhome with no heat, out of cell service, waiting for the snow to melt and the roads to clear.
Here’s to retiring from the sport of Conclusion Jumping, and for remembering that there are always explanations I haven’t thought of. And that I can support the monster-mission (Keep Havi Safe) while still offering more effective methods.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Dance Streak Day 13
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My absolutely epic wipeout when I stepped off the curb and onto an especially slick pile of wet leaves. Went flying into the air and flat on my back in a storm drain. Covered in mud head to toe: coat, bag, hat, hair, everything. Bruised hip and tailbone pretty badly and a lot of me is purple. A breath for speedy healing, and deeply grounded internally-rooted presence.
- Missing missing missing missing. How is this not getting easier. A breath for trust in steadiness, trust and steadiness.
- Too many big decisions to receive at once. Like, where am I going to live and when and how. My housemate of the past ten years is moving out, every plan I make disintegrates in my hands. There are business aspects to this and personal aspects, and it is too much. I mean, just dealing with big heartache and exiting the ballroom would be more than enough without the rest of it. This is madness. As Agent Emdee said, “This is like being the President of a small island negotiating complicated trade deals while the Netherlands delegation is in town. As if being president of the island isn’t enough.” A breath of sanctuary, and trust.
- Oh, hahahaha, family visit in the middle of all this chaos. A breath for Glowvember and glowing through it.
- Still feeling bittersweet (chocolate joke) about the chocolate shop closing in a month. I have big history with spaces disappearing, and, more specifically, history with a ballroom in Berlin, and this is painful. I mean, I want it and I don’t want it, and this is right, and it hurts. A breath for trust.
- The Game is so ridiculously Rigged. For example, yesterday (Friday, for me), I intentionally left the day empty so I could devote it to writing and posting the Chicken. Here’s what actually happened. I woke early, made breakfast for me and my brother, laundry, made up the guest room, prepared soup stock and chopped vegetables so dinner prep will be easier, washed dishes, took out compost, did a small workout and suddenly it was 2pm. Wasn’t on my phone, didn’t open my computer. Even with my housemate picking up groceries for me, and my chronic pain on vacation, at full energy, with zero avoidance or distractions, and the tremendous good fortune of huge quantities of magic privilege beans, I wasn’t able to pull it off. I wrote two-thirds of the chicken, and it was already evening. Prior to Shmita, I would have skipped my dance classes and just finished this post to not disappoint people waiting for our weekly ritual. This past year has really opened my eyes to the fact that this blog-space I love so much is also a ten-hour-a-week (and sometimes twenty-hour-a-week) unpaid job, in addition to all the other unpaid jobs, and so I am trying to be more aware of my tendency to tend to [perceived external needs] rather than to my own joy-spark desire in the moment. Anyway, today went the same as yesterday — I still haven’t gotten around to making the soup, and also realized it’s been ten days since I last washed my hair. All of this is not the hard part, it’s just the truth of life. What’s hard is the way external culture works with impossible expectations of what can be done in a day. All the “productivity” people who want us to believe that if we just were more efficient, we could magically “balance” jobs and families and work on our dreams and goals, inbox zero and throw some self-care in there too, what a joke. The way we live is broken, fantastically broken, and no one talks about this. The uncomfortable culture of silence and silencing allows us to keep comparing ourselves to an impossible-to-achieve standard. There’s not actually any way to get anything done, never mind everything. A breath of acknowledgment for something that is true whether people talk about it or not, for a quiet powerful wave of revolution, and a breath of appreciation in my heart as I also take stock of the magic beans that make my life easier in so many uncountable ways.
- My theme for the month is Glow More, and this is related to my mission of Unapologetically Taking Up Space, so of course all of my space issues are coming up. Suddenly we can’t park on our street for a month because of a fire ordinance. Suddenly it’s like I’m wearing an invisibility cloak at my favorite dance, and no one dances with me. And so on. A breath for remembering that setting an intention stirs up everything related to that intention, and the stirring up is part of the clearing out, and all is well, and I can say thank you to what is leaving.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Incredibly I was not injured in my fall. Landed between hip and tailbone instead of on either of them, so just big bruises and a scrape, which seems like a miracle. A breath for appreciating this.
- Even more incredibly, I was not upset by my fall. It seemed clear to me that this was a Redirection, so I said thank you for being redirected, went home to clean up and shower, and then changed my plans for the day so that I could take care of myself. Apparently I’ve had enough falls in my life that resulted in treasure to know treasure when it knocks me off my feet, and that is some serious leveling-up in the video game. A breath for this new superpower.
- DANCE! DANCE! I have been dancing my feet off for thirteen consecutive days. Blues, waltz, west coast swing, lindy, charleston, latin, fusion, contra, and a queer country dance with Julie, DELIGHT. I mean, yes, I am dancing in part as a way of dealing with heartache, but this means that a side effect of heartache is becoming a rockstar dancer, and I can live with that. It also means hanging out with Marjorie and being all melty with her, I can live with that too. A breath for joy, flow, movement, play, creativity, smiles and the miracle drug of CONNECTION.
- So much good upcoming! A scheduled nap-collapse! Rally next week! Special dance lesson! Operation Ruby Jewel! Running away to [undisclosed location in southern California] to dance and play! A breath of happy anticipation for the pleasures of anticipating, and for all these exclamation-point-worthy things.
- My brother is visiting. A breath for laughter and shared language.
- So much smiling. This is good. A breath for slow steady healing.
- Treasure in my life in the form of the warmest blue hat, storing dates and coconut flakes in a bag that once held salted peanuts (I highly recommend this!), playdates with Marisa, wise loving friends, people who are delighted to dance with me, sweet loving words from far away, music, play. A hand-on-heart breath of wonder for the good in my life
- Thankfulness. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!
Current ops and forward movement!
Played with Panther Time as well as the Melting Chocolate mission. The Fountaining op is simmering on the back burner, Operation Ruby Jewel just needs some final touches, and I am waiting for further intel on both Sweet Honey and Shed Shed Shed. Thank you, fractal flowers.
I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, like a Fairground Stripper, and you are welcome to do the same for you.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the superpower of Not Caring What Other People Think, and remembering my glow. I got both of these, and it was INCREDIBLE, and I want more.
I also had an absolutely mind-blowing superpower of People Generously Offering Me The Exact Thing I Need.
Walking out of the Wednesday dance, I ran into Michael on his way in, who said, “oh don’t walk in the rain, I’ll drop you off at your place”. When my ride home from the Thursday dance had to leave to take care of her daughter, Hannah asked if I needed a ride. And when I was having a mini-panic at the contra dance because it was so loud, one of the organizers came up and asked if I wanted ear plugs. It was beautiful .
I would like more of this Wonderfully Orchestrated Ease, or whatever this is called.
Powers I want.
I want more of this remembering my glow, more palpably, more often, and I want to have zero qualms about distancing myself immediately from people or situations who are not good for my glow.
The Salve of Everything I Need Is Here For Me
This salve is a version of the superpower I had this week of the right people offering me rides, and ear plugs when I needed them.
This salve is made of equal parts Calm, Steadiness, Reassurance, Warmth, Trust and Spark-Filled Wonder. It smells of cloves and child-like awe.
As I massage the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands with it, I feel wonderfully cared for. I dip a finger in the jar and draw a heart on my heart with salve. I write LOVED on my forehead and the nape of my neck. There is a tenderness towards myself, because I know that this is what I have always needed.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is named for a place in Ohio:
Chagrin Falls
Their latest album comes by way of Jenny, it’s called Luckily It Was Only A Lion, and, of course, the band is just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT!
The gorgeous calendars are ready, and I believe there are only twenty left. You can find yours here. The password: sweetdoors
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
rest into clarity and the wild mysteries
the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 332nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
rest into…
this week’s wish involves some of my favorite things
delicious double meanings and puzzling clues from past-me
the pink post-it note from me-of-three-days-ago
holds only the title:
rest into clarity and the wild mysteries
am I to rest into the wild mysteries as well as into clarity?
or is resting into clarity the key to solving said wild mysteries
probably both
let’s find out what is in this wish
and welcome it by saying thank you in advance:
oh wow what a beautiful wish
(the fact that I don’t know what it is yet does not detract from its glow)
the labyrinth
I walked the labyrinth in Taos
asking to understand something about sovereignty
I got to the center
and the word there for me was REST
it wasn’t the word I wanted
but now it is
so let’s fill up on retroactive thank-you-heart of grace
for this treasure
rest is the first duty of the queen
a wise friend said that once
and I didn’t want to hear that either
though at this point in my life
I am 99% convinced that rest is not only
the first and most sacred duty of the queen,
it might even be the only duty of the queen
because really, everything-everything-everything comes from that
rest
when I am not rested, I think I need to make decisions
forgetting that I can get quiet and
receive-and-reveal the decisions that have already been made
this really only works when I am rested
because otherwise I follow the outside culture over the culture of my heart
and choose push more over release more
when I am not rested, I miss big clues
(even while tripping over them)
and forget about Now Is Not Then
I disconnect from myself
and mistake treasure for bad news
but mainly
when I am not rested
I forget how to rest
and when I forget how to rest
I get hijacked by Rebellious Me
who wants to lead the front of the V
and blow shit up
because she thinks that now is then
and how can I tend to my kingdom, my internal worlds,
meet myself and this moment with presence, curiosity and loving-kindness
if I am disconnected from my body,
from that calm steady wisdom that comes from
not being exhausted all the time
the question I asked and didn’t answer
in the deck of stone skipping cards
one card asks
“what do I know about the relationship between rest and sovereignty?”
I loved that question when I wrote it
and then hated it every single time I drew the card
which is fine
there are two schools of thought when it comes to pulling cards
one is “hey, you picked the card so it’s your card”
mine is “if it doesn’t spark something good, it’s not your card,
so maybe you picked someone else’s card or it’s a card for future you,
no worries, pick another card”
one day it was my card though
and I knew
rest is the prerequisite
rest is the door (or at least: one really good possible door)
rest is how you uncover
p.p.s. rest that is motivated by guilt/shame is not the same as actual rest, the element of choosing towards rest is important here
what do I know about [REST + CLARITY]
rest into clarity
rest leads to clarity
resting is a form of clarity
rested-me has clarity
resting through clarity
resting from clarity
resting for clarity
resting is clearing
resting makes things clear
resting clears things up
resting clears things out
resting clears things away
resting is clear
rest is the door to clarity
the rest can be solved by clarity (double meaning)
release and reset, release and rest, release and be clear
clear like a bell
clues
I received some good clues on this in the form of
musical sparks from a wise Rally friend:
Rests are spaces in a sequence of musical beats.
Rests allow the pattern of beats to be clearly heard and felt.
A certain kind of musical rest indicates a pause before a new section of the music. It clarifies the end of one section and the start of the next. (Or of the rest!) Or, it may signal movement to a new version of a prior section.
In musical notation, a space-indicating rest has form, taking a specific shape indicating duration in the context of all the surrounding notes and beats. Paradoxically, the white spaces in musical notation are amorphous and have no duration at all.
There is an implied rest between each peal of a bell, even if not indicated in the music on the page, because of how bells operate. The reverberations of the peal continue through the rest, however.
Notes and rests on a page are like the Tao that can be described; tales we tell each other about the True Music, which is not in written form.
rest and reset
what Sue said about rests and pauses and bells
translates well to dance
in west coast swing it is the anchor that is the pause between
form and form, pattern and pattern,
the anchor is the sweet exhale and the waiting for the inhale
we call this moment kumbaka in yoga
the moment of blank mind, tabula rasa, detach, reset
anchor might be even better because it says:
GET GROUNDED, BE STEADY, BREATHE DOWN TO THE ROOT
and then the sexy part of swing of course is the way you
drift casually away from and back into that stopping point
swaying into the pause, softening into the connection
what do I know about the wild mysteries
the wild mysteries have to do with glowing boldly
and the superpower of
I DO NOT DIM MY SPARK FOR ANYONE
the wild sisters are versions of Incoming Me
there are three of them, each more wild than the next
their superpowers include wild confidence,
not caring what anyone else thinks,
choosing towards pleasure
unapologetically taking up space
filling up on joy and life
and overflowing with gratitude
because they never forget that this moment is treasure
what’s the mystery then
well, there is mystery in the sense of awe
mystery of immersion in qualities of spirit
and of course the mystery
of how do I soften into this Becoming
allowing their powers to become mine
meeting them on the bridge
and the mystery of not dimming my spark
when The Game Is Rigged
and we have been trained to dim consistently
and readily
a tiny example
yesterday in waltz class
there were more leads than follows
I wanted to lead but people kept
expecting me to jump in and follow to even things out
and I almost did
I had to bring so much consciousness into the moment
in order to realize
HEY WAIT, I WANT TO LEAD
I want to be learning to lead this cool move!
and I paid $14 to learn this!
and who cares what other people think or what I perceive they might think
but there it is
I almost caved on what I wanted
because of all the accumulated cultural good-girl programming
that tells me “helpful” and “compliant” are my job
anything else about not dimming my spark?
cultural agreements want us to dim
so every act of not-dimming is a tiny beautiful revolution
dictation from one of the wild sisters:
- Anyone in your life who says things like “did you do thing X that you were supposed to do” does not understand about All Timing Is Right Timing, and and needs to know that this is always the wrong question. A more helpful question is “Hey, just checking in, is thing X still important to you, and if so, how can I help?”
You can train the people in your life in the helpful way to ask questions, or you can invite new people into your life to replace the current ones. Either of these is absolutely valid as an option, follow your yes, as in all things.
- All timing is right timing, and I know you have trouble believing this, so I need you to channel the part of you who knows this. This moment is a fucking miracle, and what you think is late is right on time. You can’t see any of the goings on backstage, or above/below/all-around you, just know that everything is configuring and reconfiguring beautifully around you. You know how when you waltz with Uwe if you are even a fraction off on a turn he adjusts himself almost invisibly so that you end up exactly back in his arms, and the only reason you notice him doing this is that you are also a marvelous dancer? Well, there are energies that are marvelous dancers, and they are all integrating and moving and interacting, and they can recalibrate seamlessly according to where you are, so BE WHERE YOU ARE, and rejoice: where I am is just right. And know that all the changes and shifts that need to be made are already happening, it all is already becoming, it all already is, so just breathe and say thank you, that is your only mission.
- All of this inherited guilt/shame/late, the idea that you are behind, the idea that you owe people things, that people wanting your time is more important than what you are called to be doing (or not doing!) with your time, it is all Rigging. It is all Culture. And it isn’t there to serve you. It’s there to serve the hierarchies and the forces that be. So every time you refuse to participate, you’re dismantling the patriarchy. Bam.
what do I know about my wish this week
it is a wish about adventure
both internal and external
and resting into adventure
and letting rest be the adventure
and the door into other adventures
it is a wish about glowing clarity and
clear glowing
and it is a wish about restoring my crown
so that the wild mysteries become fascinating
rather than frustrating
so that I can say
“oh wow, what an interesting challenge to my glow!”
instead of hiding in bed
and if I do choose hiding in bed
I can delight in the hiding
and in the choosing to hide,
knowing that this is just another sweet way
to rest into clarity
and what could possibly be better than that
now
I’m sitting at Slow Bar, appropriately enough
today has very much been about slowness
and trusting this slowness, trusting the All Is Well of slowness
is part of the mission of rest into clarity
and also part of the wild mysteries
it is marvelously dark in here
the booths are tall and deep red, making their own little world
I hardly ever drink and when I do, only whiskey
but today I ordered a pomegranate margarita made with peppercorn tequila
partly to satisfy my ongoing obsession with pomegranate
partly because my mouth liked the taste of the word peppercorn
especially in combination
(pomegranate-peppercorn pomegranate-peppercorn!)
they call this drink the Zerkpatrick, a marvelous name
and the wild sisters wanted newness and adventure
the unfamiliar path
glow more glow more glow more
down the unfamiliar path
this week I have said yes to many new things
so yes: glow more down the unfamiliar path
superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.
november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone
november has been giving me all kinds of
glow challenges
and I am pausing/anchoring/exhaling
to say THANK YOU for the extra training
and for the reminder
thank you, past-me, for choosing this for me
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about cornbread vs the iditarod…
this wish helped me realize that dance
is not just something I love
or a way to ease the ongoing heartache of [he is gone]
but a container for me to learn the things I need to learn
in the rest of my life
and giving dance its own container
so that I can say yes to things that are [butter]
and no to [cornbread]
this is a more important mission than I’d realized when wishing the wish
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡