It is Friday Saturday and we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here.}

Thank you, week.

This is the 370th week in a row that we are chickening here together. Pretty great.

What worked this week?

Permission.

I spend a lot of time this week following rabbit holes, as I felt drawn to them, and noticing clues.

I think it’s very easy for mindfulness people to say things like “oh, slow down, be receptive to noticing”, and sure, that’s wise and whatever, but it’s pretty hard to actually remember this with all the pressing items that need constant attention.

This week I gave myself the biggest permission slip to just follow trails wherever they went, to observe and listen, and I received marvelous intel.

Next time I might…

Remember that someone else has probably already solved this.

Did a lot of unnecessary things related to wheels this week — both grinding mine, and trying to re-invent them.

Turns out that all the mysteries I was trying to solve already have simple, easy solutions, and the best thing to do in this case is to ask someone who has already encountered this problem, because they probably know the solution.

And the title of my upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…

Maybe I’ll move to Honeyville and open an Apothecary/Pie Salon. The Havi Brooks Story.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. The number of situations that are currently requiring me to Stand In My Strength. Good grief. A breath for big feelings, and how challenging this is.
2. My lover left yesterday morning for two and a half weeks in Utah. That’s a very long time, and I am feeling the dull ache of the kind of pain that announces itself slowly. A breath for longing.
3. Went to a dance workshop with a professional dancer whom I am very fond of, and the entire evening was a complete nightmare. I don’t want to describe it other than to say that there was (probably unintentional but horrible) Unwanted Touching, and I ended up skipping the dance and crying in the lobby until my lover could pick me up. A breath for wanting something to be beautiful and amazing, and instead finding it traumatizing.
4. Trying to change the culture of dance. Definitely not the easiest thing I’ve ever done. And also I’m just feeling frustrated and resentful about the amount of time and energy that goes into reaching out, reporting things, advocating for safety, asking for support, saying what is needed. A breath for radiantly powerful boundaries!
5. Body freaking out from perceptions of Not Safe, with everything from weird skin stuff to neck aches to migraines to some sort of flu that knocked me off my feet. A breath for my sweet, kind, well-intentioned body who likes to share loudly with me when boundaries have been crossed. I know, babe. I know. And another healing breath for what a friend calls layering on new experiences of safety.
6. The beautiful boy had yet another work crisis, so the night before he left was spent with me sitting on the couch for several hours watching him yell at his computer screen. We have very different philosophies and experiences (and metaphors, as it turns out!) when it comes to our individual relationships with both our work and our bodies, and this mismatch sort of came to a head, and we had a few minutes of swirling in misunderstanding. I am now better able to understand both his situation and approach, thanks to the healing superpowers of Compassionate Communication and to our willingness to meet the moment with love. However, I’m also much more aware of what’s really vitally important to me in life, and I think this might be the first place where we just don’t see eye to eye on something big. A breath of love for both of us.
7. I feel frustrated and annoyed that despite being on Shmita (sabbatical year), I still somehow have way too much to do. This is a very interesting phenomenon which I wish to explore, but right now I just want to grumble-grumble-grumble about Why So Much Doing. A breath of acknowledgment and legitimacy.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. I stayed remarkably calm and steady through (most of) the hard things. A breath of deep appreciation and gratitude.
2. I stood in my strength. I spoke truth. I wrote six different letters to people in the dance community about my experience, and what I need in terms of support. And I received warm responses from people who wanted to help. I was brave and gracious and clear, and I get endless sparklepoints. A breath for sovereignty, new patterns and wearing my crown.
3. Beautiful nights (and mornings) with my lover all week. A breath for sweet smiles, quiet presence, softening, and this joy-love-delight-heart.
4. Lusciousness. And so much rest. On Sunday, we went to bed at 11pm and stayed there until 3 o’clock the next afternoon, just catching up on sleep, rest, sweetness and adoration. Actually, I think there were multiple days this week where I didn’t even get out of my bathrobe until late afternoon. Huh. So maybe despite what I said earlier, I am finding my way into new levels of Shmita life. Anyway, it was a lovely week for lazing about and writing from bed and taking things slowly. A breath for this magic.
5. I followed the trails and clues and ended up in a geosedic dome — a secret round house — having my aura photo taken. (Richard: “Whoa! Looks like you broke the machine!”). A breath of love for roundness, and for beautiful mysterious moments.
6. A completely life-changing private dance lesson, on the topic of Standing In My Strength. My teacher said, “Let’s explore ways that we can maintain control AND our personal dignity in a subtle yet absolute manner in any dance position, whether in a workshop or on the social floor. And we will turn you into a graceful and formidable panther that NOBODY messes with.” The lesson was all that and more, and I am overflowing with gratitude. Oh, and then I used all of her tricks during the dance, and they worked. Danced for four hours and had only good dances, and a bunch of people noticed and said, “Wow, you’re really getting good!”. I know more about being a panther now! A breath of awe.
7. Even as I was running into all my patterns and blocks this week, I was still able to remember that I am doing the best that I can. I made endless safe rooms. I brought in internal negotiators to talk things out with monsters. I took really good care of myself. I was even able to spend an entire afternoon pretending I was Incoming Me, and channeling her superpowers of IDGAFx1000 and Choosing Supportive Environments, and it totally worked. A breath for the beautiful practice of self-fluency, and how it makes everything better.
8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Reclaiming the favorite cafe. Sleeping so well. Past-me made sure there was ginger in the house. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!

Operations completed. Wham boom!

Realized I want to postpone Operations Alternative Shed and Calm Island. Began preliminary research on Operations Well Robed and Live Light. Operation Trust Release Ease is the best. Wham Boom. I now bestow upon myself a hundred billion sparklepoints, and you are welcome to do the same.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked the power of thinking of my body as precious expensive cargo that I treat with magnificent attentiveness and wonderful steadiness. And it happened. First it had to not-happen, for me to get how this works, but now I really feel it.

I also had the superpower of Letting People Answer Their Own Questions!

Powers I want.

Bringing back Beautifully Anchored, Deeply Trusting, and, I am a Powerful Slinky Very Relaxed Panther.

And the power of pausing and breathing and saying thank you.

The Salve of I Am The Right _______ For Me.

This week my monsters were very upset about how my clothes are too tight right now, and we talked about this, and eventually were able to unite in the understanding that I AM ALWAYS THE RIGHT SIZE FOR A HAVI BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS HAVI. And, related, if clothing doesn’t fit, the problem is with the clothing, not with me, because being the Havi that I am in this moment is always okay and a miracle of life.

And: if I move my body, it is for the joy of moving, and not with an agenda to alter my container, because my job is to care for, be present with and delight in my container, not to critique it or force it or berate it or need it to be different in order to be good.

This salve strengthens the wise, compassionate part of me that knows truth: I am the right EVERYTHING for me. I am the right amount of X for a Havi, and the right amount of Y for a Havi. Especially for a Havi who is a Havi in this moment.

The right amount of sensitive. The right amount of resilient. I take up the right amount of space.

It also, counter-intuitively, allows for change. When I allow myself to be A Havi Who Is Very Highly Anxious In This Moment Because That Is The Experience Of A Havi, I suddenly can access Steady Havi.

This salve has the most subtle texture, and the most subtle and indescribable scent. In a way, it’s like wearing something made of the softest most buttery whipped something, like clouds and moonbeams.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is called The Last Avocado. Their latest album is Dust Homecoming Monster Box Broken Hunt Legacy (don’t read the comments on this link!). And, of course, it’s just one guy.

And the photo was taken in Lubbock, TX by Jesse! Thank you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

It is Friday Saturday and we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here.}

Thank you, week.

This is the 369th week in a row that we are chickening here together. Pretty great.

What worked this week?

No more deciding!

I’ve stopped using the word DECIDE as a verb, and completed the transition to “I heard and received my decision” instead of “I decided X”.

This reminds me of what Bryan says about yoga: You don’t need to force your body to go anywhere or do anything, you just honor the decisions that are already being made.

I believe in this, I feel the truth of it in the steadiest place of my heart, and yet my language and actions don’t reflect it.

This week I rephrased, even in my head.

I didn’t decide to give myself twenty luxurious minutes in bed in the morning to just languidly stretch and yawn while listening to music. I received the intel from my body that this was necessary, I heard the decision.

I didn’t decide that I don’t have a yes to Kentucky with my lover, even though I feel joyful when I imagine disappearing with the beautiful boy into the spectacular autumn leaves for a couple months.

I heard and received that right now what I want is to do the simplest, easiest thing which is to stay here (with some upgrades), and my whole body relaxed, and then a Perfect Simple Solution just emerged from that.

Next time I might…

Reduce input, and then reduce it even more. NO INPUT!

And by “no input” I mean, I looked something up online because I wanted to know about it, and at the bottom of the page was a promotional link for another article, with the most triggering title, and I wish I hadn’t seen it because my mind has already internalized an image of this horrific thing, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Here’s to this particular form of LESS.

And the title of my upcoming Biopic if it were based on this week…

For The First Time In My Life I Can Feel My Feet! All The Time! The Havi Brooks Story.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. Oh, I cried on the bus, which is always awesome. This may also have happened a few different times. A breath for big feelings.
2. A number of small incidents of unwanted touching. Not the scary kind, thank god. And I handled it well. But the kind that, while not intended to cause harm, trick my body into thinking I’m dealing with a predator, and then panicked-me finds it difficult to retrieve (or remember the existence of) my buffer phrases and protocols. A man touched my hair on the dance floor while saying he liked my haircut, possibly because he mistakenly thought I am deaf and that I couldn’t understand what he was saying? I don’t care. NO! Another man, trying to learn a hip catch move and probably not ready for an intermediate class, got my butt instead. NO! I get it, leading is hard, and still: NO! Similar thing in the waltz lesson. NO! Guy next to me on the bus who poked me in the ribs to get my attention. NO! Let’s all say it together, Arrested-Development-style: No touching. These people all need to read this book, which I sincerely wish existed so I could hand out copies of it. And possibly also this facetious guide to female body language, though I am not sure they’d get it. A breath for deep roots, radiantly powerful boundaries and for trusting my strong clear no, and for No Touching.
3. Remember when the initials AF could have meant anything, and it was a grand adventure? That is a fantastic post with useful self-fluency tools, everyone go re-read it! Anyway, I’m pretty sure right now, AF is all about Adrenal Fatigue. My lover is AF AF, and I am minorly AF-ing, and there’s big healing to be done. A breath for all the superpowers of Taking Exquisite Care of Myself.
4. Speaking of people not taking care of themselves, my lover is in a very bad way, and I have been putting up with all kinds of troublesome things (the least of which being that while we currently live in the same city, we only were able to see each other once this week, because his work crises take precedence over food, sleep and love) as just a fact of life because he’s a sovereign being and an adult, and it’s his life and body to ruin if he wants to. Except if I were oh, let’s say a goat herder, raising a baby goat, I wouldn’t agree to this situation, because my sweet, precious tiny goat is worthy and deserving of healthy caretakers. So here’s a mystery: why is it that I don’t believe I am worthy and deserving of people in my life who respect their health and the bodies which house them, and respect me through how they take care of themselves. Clarification #1: I am not about to raise a goat. Clarification #2: I am not advocating telling people what they can eat or how to live, that’s controlling and potentially abusive. Okay, I could keep writing clarifications all day so let’s give my well-meaning monsters a safe room where they can worry about people misunderstanding what I mean, and let’s take a breath. A breath for change, and for glowing sweetness, compassion, understanding and love for him while not neglecting, sacrificing or forgetting about my own needs.
5. Oh, and speaking of breathing: Portland air quality is now officially in the “unhealthy for sensitive groups” range, thanks to all the wildfires. This is rough on baby goats and older people and asthmatics and the homeless, and also on HSPs like me. Portland Breathing Situation: fake band of the week? A breath of compassionate for everyone here and especially for everyone in range of the fires, may there be safety (and air) for all who need.
6. This comedy sketch accurately sums up for me what Operation True Yes feels like, obviously without an impending wedding or needing to acquire flowers, just the feeling of learning about yes in this intense Shmita year. A breath for deep trust, and for loving my way into true yes.
7. Have you been following the HUMANS OF NEW YORK trip to Pakistan, and the story of Syeda Ghulam Fatima who rescues people in bonded labour and her organization? All week I have been thinking about this and other distressing, painful, awful situations in the world, and how the hospital refused to treat her after she was shot (oh, politics and power), and how important it is for us to know about things we don’t know about, and how much it hurts to know these things, and the desire to help and the desire to find the right ways, and the desire to always hold the full truth of knowing that places and people are complicated, and what we hear of them from afar is only one thread in a tapestry. A breath for compassionate witnessing and for all the scattered particles of light.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. This was a beautiful week, full of beautiful things. I feel more grounded, present, stable, at ease in my body and in my life than I had ever imagined possible. A breath of deep appreciation and gratitude
2. I handled all the hard things in new ways! I gave the guy at the dance a very firm, clear lesson in anatomy, all without speaking. I was able to dance with someone else in a way that prevented him from doing the thing I didn’t like, without giving up my frame or sacrificing the grace of the dance. I was gracious and firm and I held my ground without tensing, and all of this is new. A breath for sovereignty, new patterns and wearing my crown.
3. I held a steady, clear, honest conversation with my lover about all the things that are not okay, and it was easy and full of affection. A breath for Radical Sovereignty, and for how sweet it is to be in a connection with someone who has the self-fluency skill of Not Making Shit About Them, and the ability to both listen and respond from love. And a breath of thank you, because life is so much easier when it’s not just me bringing that to the table.
4. My lover and I went dancing and smiled our faces off, then fell asleep in a tangle of sweetness. A breath for how we are just hot sweet magic.
5. A switch flipped in my mind this week, and I am no longer concerned about either of the situations I was hugely upset-flustered-anxious-shaken-destroyed about last week! The first of these now just seems like the treasure of Redirection: I get to do something new. As for the other, I’m fine. However much time I get to enjoy [thing I don’t want to end] is treasure, and if/when it ends for [reasons], I will be okay. This switch-flipping also changed the energy dynamic in everything else, and I feel easy and peaceful, and slightly astonished. I’ll take it! A breath of heart-joy for this glorious steadiness.
6. The above wonderful thing is related to all the TRE I have been doing, which is also responsible for how I am sleeping like a baby puppy, and, best of all, I CAN FEEL MY FEET. All the time. Normally when I get tired, stressed, or triggered in any way, I disassociate and lose my ability to feel the lower half of my body, unless parts of it are in pain and then all I feel is pain. This also means that while dancing I lose my axis or footing a lot. I can always fix it quickly because my body has years of yoga, shiva spirals and other balance training. But now I’m not losing my ground to begin with, because I can feel my body all the time. A breath for this beautiful miracle.
7. DANCE! Oh! I had the most wonderful time at Waltz Brunch. Then Flash Waltz in the rose garden, one of the most magical things I have experienced. I led three waltzes! I went west coast swing dancing and didn’t go into my stuff. I practiced at home and laughed when I made mistakes. Ohmygod. A breath for all this joy, and for palpable progress.
8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Peaches and plums. Warm smiles. Overflowing with gratitude and appreciation, for everything in my life, and for all the magic beans I have been given. Trust. Pleasure. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!

Operations completed. Wham boom!

Operation Trust Release Ease is the best thing ever. Still looking into Operations Alternative Shed and Calm Island. Decisions were received. I now award myself a hundred billion sparklepoints. Wham Boom.

Superpowers I had this week…

For the last three weeks I have been asking for the superpowers of Beautifully Anchored, Deeply Trusting, and, of course, I am a Powerful Slinky Very Relaxed Panther.

And they must have arrived (or were always here and have now been revealed) because I had them!

Powers I want.

More of the same, please. And the power of thinking of my body as precious expensive cargo that I treat with magnificent attentiveness and wonderful steadiness.

The Salve of RGW.

RGW is something Marisa and I always say, it stands for Replenishing Glass of Water, which sounds very simple, and yet it is the secret cure for so many things.

The salve of RGW holds all the superpowers of intention, pauses and slowness, all the sweet red lights, shifting perspective, starting new, clearing out, flushing away, transporting, glowing, easing and releasing.

As soon as it touches your skin, you suddenly remember that you want to take care of yourself. Not out of guilt or regret; out of peacefulness. This salve mends broken connections, and helps with exits and with new beginnings.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is from Chloe, it’s called Squashing Myself Needlessly. Their latest album is Out Of My Way. They play trombone covers of blues songs, and apparently it’s just one guy.

And the photo was taken in Lubbock, TX by Jesse! Thank you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!