What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish 304: Moon wishes
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Moon.
I’m on the eighth week of Shmita, my time of letting the fields be fallow, and Operation True Yes, living on the road in a truck/camper with a beautiful boy and a bunch of notebooks.
And my cycle is lined up with the moon, exactly.
The day of the new moon is the same day as First Sign North, what I call the first sign of blood, in the compass of my cycle.
And then two weeks later, ta da! Full moon: boom, we are ovulating, or as I prefer to call it, we are at Anchor South.
Cycles.
This is actually part of a bigger wish, called Loving Downstairs, aka the process of coming into a better relationship with my downstairs body parts, and all things related.
Particularly the less fun parts. Like the monthly bleeding thing, and the various not-particularly-fun side effects of being a Monthly Bleeder.
As I have been working with playing with this wish, one of the wonderful, surprising things has been new vocabulary and imagery for all things related to my cycle.
For one thing, imagining the cycle as a beautiful compass works way better for me than the word cycle. A compass is a navigational tool, and a way to passage. Less weighty than cycle.
And then having a compass allowed me to rename all the pieces: First Sign North is when I start Precipitating, and Anchor South sounds way more fun than ovulation.
I call the passage around the compass from north to south Easing, and the second half of the compass, south to north, is Releasing, forming the perfect monthly companion to my year of Easing & Releasing.
I would much rather be a practitioner of Easing & Releasing than think of myself as a Miserably Reluctant Monthly Bleeder, even though they are two sides of a compass-imprinted coin.
What do I want.
I am absolutely loving being all lined up with the moon.
Not even so much because of things earthy, witchy and magical (though yes, maybe!), but because good grief it is just so damn convenient.
When am I getting my period? Whenever it’s new moon. That is way more accurate than my stupid phone app, which used to be pretty good at predicting until I lost my phone and discovered that my backup wasn’t where I thought it was, and lost four years of accumulated data.
Now it’s so simple. Do I want to go to this dance convention? Oh, it’s happening over New Moon, when I will be sitting in a bathtub or curled up in a ball. So, no, that was easy.
Being on the same timeline as the moon is the best, this is what I want.
Soooo….
I’ve been reading up on this because really, who wouldn’t want to be synced with the moon if that’s an option?
I mean, especially for people (not me!) who want to make cupcakes, which is my latest metaphor for moving to Bolivia, because knowing when you ovulate is vital to the mission. But really for anyone whose body makes eggs and then releases them, it’s just useful — and interesting — to know what the body is up to and when.
Being on the very predictable moon schedule makes all of that so much easier.
I’d much rather just pay attention to the moon than take my temperature every day. And the tricky science of analyzing cervical fluid (speaking of things that need to be renamed, my god, let’s come up with a better name for that one) is not really as reliable as the moon either.
Apparently this used to just be the normal way of things, following the moon, and we have gotten lost, thanks to our disconnected lives, and there are lots of people trying to find their way back, and the information out there is contradictory and more than a little confusing.
For example.
For example, I have read in a number of places that being outdoors for twenty to thirty minutes a day helps.
Except I did that every day in Portland, and the moon and I were not on the same cycle at all.
And lots of people advocate only natural light, and not using devices or lights at night. But I’ve been taking notes on my phone or writing on my computer at night in the camper, and that hasn’t interfered with me and the moon getting it on, so to speak.
So I think this is one of those cases of a) People Vary, and b) we just don’t know enough about this.
Which means I need to figure out what works for me.
What can I put in my current working hypothesis, which I plan to continue to test over the next months of Operation True Yes aka six month road trip aka life on the road….
These are the things that seem to support me.
And what I mean by this is that they support both my general well-being, and my synced-up-with-the-moon deal.
All of this comes with an implied for me. People vary, and bodies vary and experiments vary, and I have no interest in trying to imply that this is what is right for everyone. This is a jumping-off point.
- It is really, vitally important for me to be outdoors in nature. Not the city kind of outdoors where there are trees but also houses and people. I mean the kind of outdoors where you can’t see evidence of stuff. No buildings or signs or reminders. Deeply outdoors. The more this happens, the better. For me.
- Being actively outdoors, whether that’s walking in the hills for an hour or doing yoga in the grass or general frolicking or standing on a rock and doing secret spirals, which is what I’ve been doing lately. These things are good for me
- Seeing the sky at night. Whether that’s because I’m out at night Peeing Like A Boy with my cool device, or if that’s sitting in bed in the camper with my lover, under the open skylight and looking up at the moon and stars.
- Quiet time with my body.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. While I don’t particularly like the bleeding thing or any of the side effects, I can be appreciative about the creative power inside of this body that I have been given, and I can let this be a door into a different relationship with my body.
What else do I know about what I want?
I want to run more experiments, explore, stretch, find out what I can do to support sharing a cycle with the moon, see what works for me.
Maybe there are ways I can still have the elements and qualities of this even at times when I need to be in a city. Though to be honest, city is seeming pretty unappealing to me right now for more than a few days at a time for a special occasion.
I want this to be my cycle.
I want to be someone who is friends with the moon. I want to know what the moon is up to, and what my body is up to, and to trust in the connection, like in dance.
I want to close my eyes, trust, feel, follow.
If the moon knows how to lead, why would I want to live in any other way, why would I not want to be in the connection, if that’s an option?
And how is it that I’ve been [precipitating] each month for decades and didn’t know I could be doing this together with the moon? How is it that I’ve put up with not-knowing, shocked when it shows up four days early or frustrated when it’s five days late, when I can live my life in a way that makes this compass cycle entirely predictable?
Why didn’t anyone tell me?!
Anything else about this?
Lots of things right now that fall into the category of Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me.
This is a useful and worthy mystery to investigate.
And what if it’s okay that no one told me? Maybe now is the exact right time for me to be arriving at this.
What else do I know about this?
There are so many related wishes.
For example, I am setting off on Operation Adventures In Reverberation, a twelve day solo voyage where I intend to do even more nothing than I am currently doing on sabbatical, to get very quiet, to listen, to receive new intel.
The moon is as good a guide as any for this.
I am also interested in the mystery of This Thing That Seems Like A Curse, What If It’s Not A Curse, which is related to the mystery of If A Curse Is Lifted, How Can You Tell?
And these are also good mysteries to take to the moon. Last year when I was at the Vicarage, the moon was a big clue for me. So I now have a two week voyage between full moon and new moon, let’s see what I get.
Now.
I am at the home of some friends of my lover. Their youngest boy, who is three, just noticed my bright red toenails, and got very excited about them. He told me that pink is his favorite color and that as soon as he is four, he can have pink toenails too, right, mom?
His mom said, you can have them now. And then he curled up in the tiniest ball like a hedgehog.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Waxing and waning. Filling and emptying. More and less.
Me: Oh right, I don’t need to get annoyed about not being at full energy all the time, because that’s ridiculous and our culture is ridiculous.
She: Yup. Trust your culture. Cultivate the culture of your kingdom, and don’t worry about the rest.
Clues?
I got locked out of the camper while we were in a parking lot, and walked to the nail salon a polish change and mostly for the air conditioning. I decided I wanted a knock-your-socks-off red, and the first bottle I picked up was called Red Hot Rio.
Brazil is always a clue for me. And at Rally, we used to sing a sea shantey called Away, Rio, which is the song of embarking on a voyage.
And then even though I knew this color was my yes, both the color and the name, it was like I couldn’t trust that, so I picked up another color to compare. That color was called Nice Color, Eh, which is such a boring name I instantly realized how silly it is to try to find a better clue than the one I’d just been given.
Oh, and also on the day I decided this was my wish, we ended up in Half Moon Bay.
The superpower of I take care of myself first.
It is May!
The quality for April was ADVENTURE, and it came with the marvelous superpower of I have everything I need for this. The quality for May is REVERBERATE, and it comes with I take care of myself first.
May it be so.
This is what I need to remember in my moon investigations, this is what will bring me closer to the moon.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka New under the sun…
This was an excellent wish. When I was in Sacramento, I stopped by the co-op and picked up a bottle of wheat germ oil, which, I learned this week, has an SPF of 20.
It has a bit of an orangey tint that gives a surprisingly lovely warm glow to the skin, it’s very moisturizing, and so far it is doing the job of a sunscreen, so I am now officially saying screw you forever to all commercial sunscreen products. YEAH!
It also launched a frenzied investigation into all the other things I can release and replace, and I met a lot of monsters of the variety of “ugh you’re going to become a preachy zero waste homesteader who only blogs about things like making almond milk in a mason jar, and everyone will hate you and you will be boring and depressed”, and I also learned that I have BIG JOY SPARKS OF YES about this mission.
It is part of the mission of Less, and part of the mission of easing and releasing, and I am so glad I started with sunscreen. First sun and then moon. We are moving towards the stars.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 353: hearing a smile
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
That’s not how we speak to toddlers.
Sometimes when I notice a not particularly helpful pattern (“Oh! Doing that thing where I perceive that I’m being rejected, so I reject louder and harder!”), my monsters like to jump in and hijack the noticing:
“YEAH THAT’S REALLY MATURE OF YOU! WHY WOULD YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT WHICH ARE OBVIOUSLY GOING TO EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE, YOU MORON!”
This week I tried saying, gently, “Hey, that’s not how we want to speak to toddlers.”
Come on. This pattern was invented by tiny-me in an attempt to keep herself safe. She’s doing the thing that made the most sense to her understanding of the world.
My monsters got very quiet, because they knew I was right, and they started making little cooing sounds and singing lullabyes to comfort toddler-me, it was the sweetest most unexpected thing.
Next time I might…
Be fierce about my yes.
Entirely new levels of ferocity when it comes to protecting my yes!
No more of “yeah, okay, I can probably put up with this for another three hours”.
My yes is important, and whether I get it or not is entirely irrelevant.
Knowing my yes, that’s what’s important. Making it a priority and sharing intel, that’s what’s important.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- For the most part, Operation True Yes keeps me away from the news and goings-on of the world, but sometimes I check in, and ohmygod. A breath of aching compassion for Baltimore, for the ongoing pain of unchecked systemic racism, it is time for a collective opening of eyes and for so many things. May this deeply painful situation lead to good.
- A thing that I have been scared would happen and was hoping wouldn’t happen actually did happen. A breath for I Am Safe.
- I’d been expecting a meltdown. Seven weeks on the road in a tiny camper, with multiple sources of stress, and multiple days when I can’t be outside moving my body, and big changes on the horizon. So I wasn’t exactly surprised when it came right on schedule this week, but I was taken aback by the intensity. Not the explosion kind, more of the I need to get out of here because I can’t do this anymore kind. A breath for me, who needs to be a gazelle, and can’t function without movement and sweetness.
- A long uncomfortable night without sleep definitely exacerbates distress. See above. A breath for being comforted.
- Remember last week when I said it’s kind of like I’m in The Truman Show, and the powers that be have decided they can’t let me off the island, so all sorts of absurd, impossible-seeming events redirect me? This entire week was that. A day trip to Sacramento on Monday turned into an entire week of trapped in suburban subdivision strip mall madness. Example: mysteriously locked out of the camper. Then AAA sent a tow truck instead of a locksmith. Then said locksmith wouldn’t be available for five days. Once we got back in the camper, there was a plumbing problem that defied all laws of both logic and physics. Okay, I can flow with this, but it’s very bizarre. A breath for ready to be redirected in more pleasurable and less ridiculous ways.
- Life on the road can be very lonely and isolating. My friends are busy with their lives and maybe have the mindset that I’m on holiday and not available, because no one is talking to me, and I need a way to solve this that is not hanging out on social media, because that never fills my desire for connection. My traveling companion doesn’t have this problem because his friends are traveling climbers and they intentionally meet up in the same places. I need traveling friends too! Or something, I don’t know. A breath for this, and for seeing new options.
- Tomorrow I take off on a solo op which means twelve days without the beautiful boy, and I already miss his company. A breath for this is right.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- When the thing I’d hoped wouldn’t happen happened, I was able to remain calm, steady and present. And brave. And none of the bad things I was sure would result happened, so I got to experience what it’s like to have a scary thing happen and be completely fine. Also now I don’t have to worry about it happening, because I know what it’s like now. I get a million trillion sparklepoints, and some more for freaking out significantly less than I would have imagined. A breath for how impressed I am with myself about this, and for I am completely fine, even when shaken.
- A couple years ago when everything was rough, the one good element in my life was Monday Beach Day. Taking a bus to the train station, and a bus to the coast, and sitting by the Pacific and staring into space and going for walks and writing and getting sand all over everything. The Oregon coast is not particularly warm, even in summer, and it was usually mostly deserted. I loved beach day, and my one steady wish was for my life to be like beach day. While sitting on a rock this Sunday in the red hills sun, I suddenly realized: I’m living beach day life now. That’s what Shmita is. Well, when I remember to get off the computer and be outside with no agenda, saying thank you to the sky and the tiny yellow flowers. A breath for seeing this.
- Sometimes people wonder how we get through road trip driving since I don’t speak. I usually giggle at this question, since talking seems such a small part of communication. Or even a hindrance to communication. But then at other times I wonder (my monsters wonder) if maybe people are right and he is bored out of his skull. We were driving through beautiful hills, and I felt so happy, and he immediately looked over at me and said, “I swear I can hear you smile”. A breath for shared moments, and for the people who can hear.
- EIGHT MONTHS EIGHT MONTHS EIGHT MONTHS EIGHT MONTHS! After much complicated trial and error, and complex negotiations, we arrived at an arrangement that allows me to exit the chocolate shop at the end of December instead of two years from next month. Two years is an eternity to be stuck with a No when all you want is yes, but eight months? I can make it eight months, and then I am done with overhead, and any form of bricks and mortar, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. A breath for freedom, and for asking for an exit until you get one.
- When I had my giant meltdown, my lover held my hand and listened and kissed me and was quiet with me while I fell apart until the storm passed. A breath for the treasure of that.
- When I was falling apart and needed to move my body and be outside and there was nowhere to go because we were in a stupid walmart parking lot in a horrible subdivision, and it was a million degrees, we suddenly discovered a small nature habitat preserve behind the walmart, of all places. I got to take a half hour walk among the trees until I calmed down. A breath for hilariously unlikely miracles popping into the hologram.
- Tomorrow I leave for Operation Adventures in Reverberating, and I am so excited about this! Also I bought myself a thing that is needed for another big adventure, even though both the thing and the adventure were scaring me a lot. And somehow it’s turned into exciting-tingly instead of just scary. A joyful breath for I am a grand adventuress and I am ready for this new adventure
- Thankfulness. So much is good. I am learning so much about no and about yes and about adventuring. Pumpkin seeds. Smiles. Even in a walmart parking lot we can pop open the skylight on the camper and see nothing but moon and stars. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Did a ton of research into Operation Live Light, and feeling excited! Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of Remembering To Ask Why I’m Doing What I’m Doing, the power of casting emoji spells, and the power of healing naps.
Powers I want.
The superpower of finding the good, as exemplified by the woman I met near Sacramento who said, about the 90 degree April heat, “Isn’t it great? We sweat so much here! We basically get four months of free facials!”
Also the power of Checking Back In To Make Sure What I’m Doing Is Still My Yes.
Also, again, the superpower of All Obstacles Quickly Reveal Themselves As Not Obstacles, And I Say Thank You Before During And After.
The Salve of tiny yellow flowers.
This is a secret gratitude salve, and it works on time release. So you start using it and appreciating how soft your skin is, and then five minutes later you’re appreciating the bathroom door for being a door, and then you are loving all the tiny yellow flowers you hadn’t even noticed were growing all around.
When I wear this salve, I breathe more deeply, I smile at the unexpected, I tell someone how much I like them.
This salve has undertones of trust, support, passion, and receiving, and it smells like springtime and endless effortless possibility.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of my meltdown and it’s called Everything Is Horrible And Now I Will Eat Brie. They do grunge rock covers of Dolly Parton songs and it’s actually just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
Allergic to Leafblowers. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
38 Yawns
Setting off.
I wrote this piece six weeks ago, on the night the boy and I left Portland for Operation True Yes, six months of wandering.
It was Erev, the Eve of, and specifically the Eve of Yeses.
The embarking, the setting off.
Two hours out.
We were two hours out of Portland, and suddenly I was yawning and couldn’t stop.
There were reasons for this, for example, having been awake until 3:30am that morning. Or the weeks of seemingly endless releasing preceding our exit. Or the way my body had calmly informed me that if I didn’t stop working, it would stop things for me.
And at the same time, the yawning — this particular yawning — seemed like it might be trying to get my attention.
I decided to pretend that I am the Queen of Yawning, that I know everything there is to know about lovingly presiding over the vast kingdom of yawning.
And then I pulled out my laptop and started documenting this knowledge, pulling from the sea of wisdom that is the boundary of my kingdom.
Here is what I wrote….
What do I know?
- Yawning says hey brain would you like some more oxygen?
- This means yawning is a reminder to take deeper and more refreshing breaths.
- Yawing actually is like a reset button for the nervous system! A feldenkrais person told me that, and it makes sense.
- Yawning is how the body does transitions. We yawn when we wake up and stretch, and when our body is tired and wants rest.
- Yawning does not have to mean tired, nor does it necessarily mean bored, this is a common and ridiculous misunderstanding in our culture. People do big conclusion-jumping when they encounter yawning, and get lost in thinking Shit Is About Them When Shit Is Not About Them. Oh, your body needed to do some releasing? Clearly you must think I’m not very interesting. How did we ever get to that? Why do we not challenge this?
- Yawning is fun! You can make all kinds of sound effects and expansive movements.
- Yawning and expansiveness go together. It is actually very difficult (for me) to yawn if I am curled inward or contracting. Try it for yourself!
- At Rally (Rally!) and the retreats I used to run, we turn yawning into a ritual. Both for transitioning (out of conducting, into something else), and for the fun.
- We do yawning sound effects! We yawn loudly. We do a tiny baby chipmunk yawn and a secret stealth ninja yawn. We yawn like cowboys and we yawn like bashful hippos.
- When you yawn a lot, tears start coming. Releasing!
- My former mentor has a technique that involves yawning for twenty minutes straight. It’s more complicated than that, but one of the the things that invariably happens is that everyone in the room starts crying. Not that they are sad, just that tears start to come fast and furious from the yawns, and everyone’s faces are soaked in tears. Afterwards you feel amazing, like not just your nervous system got reset.
- In Ounce Dice Trice, one of my favorite books of all time, the sound of a yawn is HARROWOLLOWORRAH.
- This is how everyone in my family yawns. The HARROWOLLOWORRAH is to yawns what bear hugs are to hugs.
- In Hebrew, the word for yawn is pihuk, which is just the cutest word ever. Hebrew is big on onomatopoeia, so of course the word for yawn sounds like a yawn. It’s almost as if the name for yawn (which also sounds like a yawn) was actually HARROWOLLOWORRAH.
- In Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book, there are wonderful yawning creatures, my favorites are the Foona Lagoona Baboona. I think of them a lot. This is a book that celebrates yawning:
The news just came in
from the County of Keck
That a very small bug
by the name of Van Vleck
is yawning so wide
you can look down his neck. - Opening the mouth wide to yawn releases the jaw, which is where most of us hold lots of tension. So yawning requires a relaxation and a softening.
- Even though everyone says that the point of yawning is to bring in more air, so often when I yawn I have the momentary physical perception that I can’t get enough air.
- I am not sure why we have this cultural idea about covering the mouth while yawning. I get why we do that for coughing, to not get our saliva and germs on someone. But yawning. Yawning is beautiful. Look at my glorious mouth! Look at my wise, wonderful body resetting my nervous system for me! Look at this lion-like power of release.
- In a way a yawn is a lot like a silent scream. Silent Screaming is a technique Barbara Sher teaches that I find very helpful. It’s for when you’re going through big emotion, but you’re in public and can’t actually scream and throw a good fit. You hide in the bathroom, and you scream ten times, but without actually screaming. You open your mouth like a scream, and then you breathe the scream out. You have to do it ten times. The reason for this is generally you start feeling better around yawn 6, so you think, okay I’m done, I can stop now. Except you aren’t. Ten is good. More works too. It is very rare that I need more.
- It is actually kind of shocking to me how effective Silent Screaming is.
- Yawning can function as a sign that something has shifted in the body-mind. When I go to see Wally for bodywork and I get on the table, I immediately begin to yawn. So does everyone else, according to him. And when he does something that has a strong effect, the yawns are there too.
- When I do energy work with clients, the yawning starts for them when something has moved or opened or let go. And when Richard does acupressure on me, I start yawning at the beginning, and then again when something has changed in my internal landscape.
- So yawns are really a clue. They tell me where to look.
- Circling back to #5, it is really bizarre (to me) that people take yawning personally, that they think if you yawn, you must be bored because they are so boring. I mean, they’re human beings who yawn just like everyone else. They must have noticed that it doesn’t only happen when you’re tired, that yawns vary, just like people.
- When did a yawn become the sign for boring. If anything, I yawn at happy times, when I am very engaged. It’s like the yawn is helping me process, let more in.
- The only negative associations I have with yawning are from school, and then they really did seem to be boredom yawns. Except in retrospect, I look at still-growing-me, and am in shock that she managed to function at all. I mean, she woke up very early to get ready for school. It was usually still dark when she arrived. She wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep or rest. Her after-school time was full of doing. School itself was incredibly taxing and overwhelming — physically, emotionally and energetically. It was not an easy place for an eccentric empathic HSP introvert, and she couldn’t have known any of those things about herself so she couldn’t have known how going to school was sapping her powers. Of course she was yawning all the time. It wasn’t out of boredom, though yes, she was probably bored. It was another sign that her body-mind was in distress and craving downtime.
- You can yawn qualities. Just think a quality, for example, Peacefulness. And yawn it in. You can bring in peacefulness on the inhalation, and release/glow peacefulness into your space and the world as you yawn-exhale it out. Yawning can be so many things, in so many ways. Triumphant! Curious. Sleepy. Calm. Peaceful. Liberating. You can yawn your way back to presence. HARROWOLLOWORRAH.
- In yoga, there is this concept of secondary energy. There are the big body ways of releasing, and then there are the smaller ways, like yawning. Farting is secondary energy too. If you ever fart or burp, just say “SECONDARY ENERGY! My body is releasing!”
- Try yawning as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. Right now. It’s fun. Sometimes also really uncomfortable. Experiment. See what it is like to yawn like this while lying down on the floor with your eyes closed versus walking briskly around the room. Try both. Mix it up. Be a Loud Yawner. Wave your arms around like pinwheels. My parents both used to do that. Add some HARROWOLLOWORRAH with style. In a grand fashion!
- Yawning is related to the fifth chakra, vishuddi chakra. This is the symbolic energy center for communication, insight, persuasion, confidence, creative play, language. It connects the heart and the head. It is a witchy place, and a beautiful flower.
- Sigal, my yoga teacher in Tel Aviv, used to lead these intense afternoons in her apartment once a month. She called it shabatirgul, a kind of made-up smooshed-together compound word: sabbath-practice. Two hours of physical practice and meditation, followed by an hour of what you might call life-yoga, and then a meal. Whenever I remember these days, my heart wells up with love. One time, during the life-applications-of-yoga part, she had us act out improvisational scenes with each other, playing the characters through the qualities of the chakras. Like, “Okay, you’re third and she’s sixth, and you’re breaking up: go!” “You’re the boss and you’re first, you’re the employee who’s asking for a raise and you’re fourth, go!
- Whenever someone was assigned to be five, aka visshudi chakra, and they didn’t know how to play the part, Sigal would say, just do what Havi would do, Havi is the most five I have ever met, she’s ALL five. And everyone would go, oh okay sure, that’s easy, just be Havi. And I would think, wait, what is happening.
- Maybe, like yawning, I am too close to it.
- Yawning is pretty much the one thing in modern life that doesn’t come with devices. There are products, applications and services to help people sleep better, eat better, have better sex. Where are the products designed to improve the quality of our yawns, where is the viagra of yawning?
- Yawning is the spice of life. Yawning celebrates aliveness.
- Once my former playmate from the enchanted forest told me that I yawn like a kitten. He said, It’s because of your tiny nose, do it again, yawn again please!
- Yawning goes with stretching like peanut butter and chocolate.
- There is always more to let go of, isn’t there.
What does the queen of yawning require?
Calming smelling salts. The softest cushions. A Wonderful Bed.
This makes me think of the Hotel Elliott in Astoria, Oregon, that’s their tagline. Wonderful Beds.
If I had a hotel, the tagline would be HARROWOLLOWORRAH. But that’s just me.
It is difficult to talk yawns without making puns.
I was raised in a family where communication was kind of a mess, but the one thing we all shared was a love of word play.
Very rarely do I miss anything about my family, but right now I wouldn’t mind having them around because it would be fun to play with yawn.
I imagine that my brother would say, But where do the yawns go when they’re done? Into the Great Beyond (Be-Yawned).
Someone else, my mother probably, would do something with Hither and Yawn.
My father would ask, Who was that Ingenious and Very Tired Gentleman who sets out to bring justice to the world? Yawn Quixote.
I would probably bring up that one soap opera that takes place at a research center for narcolepsy: The Yawn and the Restless.
Things would continue in this vein until someone would finally say, Which president tried to outlaw yawning? And then we’d all say, in unison, Herbert Hoover!
Ah. Of course. Yawn is a why word.
That is to say, a Y word.
When we did the year of Alphabet Rallies, Y stood for Yes.
We would say, Y is for YES and Why is for YES.
There weren’t a lot of Y words, but they were luscious.
Yellow. Yay. Yearn. Yoga. Yum.
And, of course, of course, yawn.
Let’s have eight yawns for the compass!
North: I yawn the yawn of Courage.
Northeast: I yawn the yawn of Play.
East: I yawn the yawn of Presence.
Southeast: I yawn the yawn of Releasing
South: I yawn the yawn of Beautifully Anchored.
Southwest: I yawn the yawn of Serendipity.
West: I yawn the yawn of Reverberating.
Northwest: I yawn the yawn of Energy.
May it be so! And come play with me.
This has been a channelling of the sea of wisdom on the subject of yawning, which also turned out to be a secret meditation on words that begin with Y.
Let’s have lots of yawning today. And if you know any good Y words (like yestertempest, yomp, and yttriferous!), and want to yell them out, go for it.
And of course you can share stories about yawns, anything sparked for you, more yawning sound effects, favorite Dr. Seuss Sleep Book quotes, yawn puns, or hearts and pebbles.
Love from my thank you heart to all my yawning companions. It’s much more fun having company.
Wish 303: new under the sun
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Yes.
This the seventh week of Operation True Yes, where I am learning to say yes to my yes and no to my no. I am learning to be the person who trusts her yes.
One of the most interesting things about this experiment has been noticing just how often I try to override body intel with logic. And how often I succeed. Haha, if by “succeed”, you mean silence my truth.
And now this isn’t working any more.
Mostly, I think, because of this strong — and semi-terrifying — commitment I’ve made to listening to yes and living by the c*.
There’s another reason too.
This is probably related to the above, but lately it just seems like my intel about my YES and my NO is getting louder by the minute.
Especially the NO.
Though as TJ wisely reminded me this week: Yes evolves. No no no is a no.
We can focus on the NO, and that will lead us to YES.
So here I am, with these loud, clear, obvious NOs that have been NO for years, except I haven’t let myself hear them until now.
I want to play with a relatively small example of this right now, because that seems like the least overwhelming way to approach this.
And also because I have a sneaking suspicion that there is no such thing as a small NO. The small ones are part of the big ones.
And maybe solving this mystery can shed some light on the other mysteries (principle of fractal flowers!), and at the very least this mystery can stand in for all the other mysteries (principle of proxies).
Sunscreen.
I really enjoy walking in the sun. I really don’t like getting burnt. So, you know, sunscreen: it’s a thing.
And yet every time I put it on, my body says ugh this is not good for us.
It was only this week that I really heard this NO, only to realize I’ve actually been hearing this for years, but I just immediately bulldoze past it because I don’t want to stay inside and I don’t want a sunburn, and ohmygod fear-fear-fear about something bad happening.
So I put it on anyway, and I pretend that my dislike is aesthetic, or that it’s about the texture or the smell, when it’s actually so much deeper than that.
Or I start thinking about what a pain it is to have to Do A Thing before going outside, or how cosmically unfair it is that the human body is designed in such a way that you need someone else to put sunscreen your back, and how this is yet another thing that is totally rigged to support people who are in relationships, and I don’t want to be in a relationship but I like having someone in my life who can put sunscreen on me, and toot toot this train of thought has left the station.
Anyway, the point is that logic and internal finger-wagging always wins: “You have very light, sensitive skin and don’t want sunburn, so put on the damn sunscreen already.”
But this week I finally heard it in a way I can’t unhear it: This is not good for me.
So I listened.
I said, Hey body, I hear what you’re saying. You don’t want this. Let’s find a new way.
And my body instantly relaxed.
I started wondering why my body wouldn’t like sunscreen, and then suddenly I had to laugh because really, how could any of our bodies really truly be okay with sunscreens.
I mean, they come in plastic bottles and are full of chemicals.
In fact, when I started researching this, I was amazed (and then not amazed at all, because really, so many things in this world of ours are twisted and distorted) at how dangerous sunscreen actually is.
It’s pretty damn hard to find sunscreen without chemicals, toxins, alcohol, petroleum and petro-chemicals, genetically modified substances, parabens, phthlalates, sulfates, PABA, preservatives, titanium dioxide, triclosan, artificial coloring and synthetic fragrances.
And then try to find one not in a plastic tube, even harder.
So yes, my body is no idiot.
The mystery, and the options.
My body is giving me a clear no, and it’s my mission right now to trust and respect this kind of internal intel.
And, without sunscreen, I’m going to get toasty, and my body doesn’t want that either.
I started investigating naturally occurring plant sunscreens and looking up recipes to make my own — recipes that don’t involve double-broiler, because I live in a tiny camper. Turns out lots of people have already been thinking this way.
Actually I think I’m going to start with this etsy version, mainly because they let you send back your jar for refills.
And then I discovered that you can use organic carrot seed oil, which apparently has an SPF of 38-40. I used to use that anyway as my moisturizer. It is not the cheapest but you can mix it with coconut oil.
Body says yes to this and to floppy hat and to covering up shoulders when out for long walks, and to Vitamin D from the sun, and to frolicking joyfully.
And both my body and I like the idea of this solution (double meaning) living in a glass jar, and not bringing more plastic into our lives.
And then the YES sparks started coming.
YES to living in a place that gets more sun, a place where my body can generate adequate vitamin D all year round:
”Large amounts of vitamin D3 (cholecalciferol) are made in your skin when you expose all of your body to summer sun. This happens very quickly; around half the time it takes for your skin to turn pink and begin to burn. This could be just 15 minutes for a very fair skinned person,
Exposing your skin for a short time will make all the vitamin D your body can produce in one day. In fact, your body can produce 10,000 to 25,000 IU of vitamin D in just a little under the time it takes for your skin to turn pink.”
YES to making more of my own lotions and potions.
YES to making my own bug spray! Did you know you can make bug spray that isn’t toxic and horrible? I did not, and yet of course, that seems obvious now.
YES to the clean bin project.
YES to sun and yes to moon, and to being closer to both of them (but/and also safe, protected, happy skin).
YES to being amazed and excited about all of this, and things related to it, and to never having to buy — or smell — commercial sun screen or bug spray poison again.
YES to being much more conscious about what I am putting on myself, and, more importantly, what I am putting up with because I perceive that there isn’t another option. Yes to believing that there are other options and looking for them!
What do I know about my wish?
It’s about options and possibilities.
It’s about seeing past assumptions and walls.
It’s about creativity and play.
And…
I miss her, and also writing is easier without her, those things can exist simultaneously.
What else do I know about this?
I have an astonishing (to me) number of monsters who think that this is a boring, indulgent wish that only the most privileged person could possibly be concerned with.
So. Let’s look at that. Yes, I have a wonderful amount of magic beans that allow me to think about things other than survival right now. And, being someone who remembers what it is like to be only concerned with survival, I can say unequivocally that this is better. Thank you, magic beans of privilege.
I can also hear wise me whispering that getting vital intel from my body and finding new ways to take care of it and myself is one of the most important and purposeful things I could be doing right now.
And actually I now see that this is something that has always been available to me, even in the roughest of life situations. If anything, a little more body-listening might have done me some good during those tough times, though of course I understand that I wasn’t in the head-space to be able to consider trusting myself, and that’s okay too.
Past-me was doing everything she could, she was living by her instincts and she got me here and I love her forever. And now I am experimenting with a new level of living by my instincts, and that is what is right for now.
Anything else about this?
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
Ah yes, that.
Now.
The moon has been in the sky all day, along with the sun. A beautiful, perfect quarter moon, halfway between new and full.
Blue sky, cool breeze, tiny little yellow flowers everywhere, a true yes of a day.
The book my housemate gave me as a gift for Operation True Yes is open on my lap, and I feel peaceful and something more zippy than peaceful: sparks of excitement for what is coming.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: This is the exact right moment to be letting your body take the lead so you can follow its cues. I am so happy about this: it is the time for listening and you are listening, and I love you so much.
Me: I have Ludicrous Fear Popcorn that I’ve screwed this all up and I should have listened to this years ago and now it’s too late.
She: Nonsense. This is the perfect moment for all of this. You wouldn’t have been able to put all the pieces together before anyway. This is right, and you are my sweet beautiful love, so fill up on love, and kiss your palms, like at Rally.
Clues?
A Liz Clairborne ad said joy promotes joy, employ it in abundance. While I had a visceral no about this sentiment being used for Buy Our Stuff, Get More Stuff, I love both of these phrases and the combination of them.
Joy does promote joy. And employing things in abundance is a wonderful turn of phrase. This is exactly what I want to do with warm, glowing, out-in-the-sun energy.
The superpower of I have everything I need for this.
The quality for April is ADVENTURE, and it comes with the marvelous superpower of I have everything I need for this. May it be so.
This wasn’t at all the kind of adventure I had in mind, but yes, this is an adventure, and I feel joy sparks. And I love the reminder that I have what I need.
Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Ongoing wishes and seeds planted without explanation.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Not throwing…
First of all let me just say how funny it is that a wish about not throwing turned into a wish about not throwing away…
And I will also note that I was surprisingly chill about money this week, and my monsters no longer think it’s wasteful that I don’t need the plane ticket anymore, and I think some good seeds were planted here. Let’s see how it develops!
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I believe the Playground mugs are all sold but you can still acquire a pack of stone skipping cards just send a note and we’ll set it up. Ask Richard for cost/shipping.
Keep me company! Or just say hi!
This is an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.
Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want. For vulnerable wishes, you can always employ secret code or call silent retreat…
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 352: I read the script
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
Somehow I spent all of today until just now believing it was Thursday, and wondering why it felt like Friday. I think that must be a good sign that this sabbatical thing is working. I can feel the resting points declaring themselves, but also I have no sense of time. This is kind of great.
What worked this week?
Attentiveness.
As I shared last week, I’ve been starting each day by asking “What do I want” over and over again in my journal. My monsters had a lot of objections to this, they think the practice/question is shallow and self-centered and greedy, and all the usual objections.
They are placated when asking the question reveals something especially useful or wise. And they are appalled when it reveals something they think is embarrassing.
One morning, the answer wasn’t deep or profound. It was, “I want a pedicure and this is important and I want it today.”
This desire was immediately met with huge resistance, but I’ve been committing to being attentive to internal intel as part of Shmita and Operation True Yes, so after some negotiationg, I went ahead and made this happen.
The color I chose for my toenails was a sparkly wine-red called I RED the Script.
And then, miraculously, I suddenly had the superpower of having already read the script, and it changed all my interactions this week. I was able to extricate myself neatly from potentially problematic situations by reminding myself that I’d already read the script.
Turns out having read the script makes it easier to say no to a no and yes to a yes. And when I am attentive, someone else’s behavior tells me what their character is likely to do further along in the plot.
So thank you, attentiveness, for leading me to the pedicure place and guiding me to the color that was a secret superpower. And for showing me why it’s good to say no now, and not follow the script.
Next time I might…
Go for a walk.
Everything that was not good this week became not-good when I was inside and sitting and not moving.
Sometimes on transit days, we are just trying to get some internet and figure out laundry, and it seems like there isn’t time. Except of course there is time.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Realized all my stuff from last week with the person who crossed a boundary is about CONSENT. Much contemplation about the mysteries related to my relationships with people who do not grasp or respect consent. A breath for sovereignty, and for glowingly healthy boundaries.
- Figuring out this situation where someone I do not trust is a long time friend of one of my favorite people. There is no room in my life for people who can’t be trusted, and yet, this person is going to be around, how do we navigate this? A breath for clarity.
- On the day when I suddenly needed a hotel, the one place available quoted me a price that was so outlandishly high that you’d think the entire building would freeze and there would be a collective universal intake of breath at the audacity of this. A breath for me, and for the challenge of remembering that everything that is against me is an illusion.
- Somehow just as my knee healed, I injured my pinkie toe, and it has been letting me know that certain forms of movement are uncomfortable. A breath for healing.
- I haven’t been having nightmares on this trip, which has been so amazing, and then when I had a potentially scary dream which didn’t go in that direction, I had big hopes that maybe we’re in new territory. But then Wednesday night I had a bad dream in which I was attacked by a man in a bathroom, so that was not fun, and somehow extra-distressing because I had been feeling so hopeful. A breath for the process of healing, which is what it is.
- Somehow all my writing time just turns into Logisticking time, as one change of plans begets another change of plans. I’m not even sure how, but I was on the stupid computer all week and not for any of the things I want to be doing. A breath for a clean cut through this.
- I made a move on the unresolved situation in the building where the Playground lived, and did not get the response I was hoping for. A breath for the right wind to blow out whatever sticky cobwebs are left and to blow in some clarity.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Guess what! In my nightmare, for the first time ever in one of these dreams, I responded (inside the dream) completely differently than I ever have before, and instead of waking up screaming in terror and not able to breathe, aka the usual pattern, I woke up feeling like a badass with skills, strength and power. Hey, we’re at a new place in the video game and this is so good. A breath for things can change, because they can, and they do.
- Turns out that the same person who unblinkingly quoted you an outrageous hotel room price can also equally unblinkingly knock $50 off the same room if you ask them for something better. I have learned this before but I forget it. Also the room turned out to have a balcony with an absolutely breathtaking view. And a gigantic whirlpool bath. And a full kitchen. And a couch. So let’s have a breath for beautiful miracles and the superpower of Good Surprises.
- I had a long talk with the beautiful boy about something that was upsetting me, and he was so present and loving and understanding and kind. A breath for this being my life now, and how this is such a healing for past experiences
- I was able to laugh at abrupt changes in the script this week. It started when I learned the last leg of my trip next month — Operation Adventures in Reverberation — had been abruptly canceled on me due to some obscure federal law that no one knew about. This is hilarious, and such a moment of hologram-shifting. Or really, a Truman Show moment of “whoops we can’t let our hero off the island, let’s come up with something fast”. It is so very ridiculous that I am in massive admiration and appreciation for this sudden change of plans. Normally I would be shaking my fists at the sky about my adventure suddenly being messed with, and the cosmic raining on parades, but right now I am just appreciating the Redirection. A breath for I am a grand adventuress and I am ready for this new adventure.
- My lover climbing out of bed in the camper and finding me “at work” and laughing happily in my ear: “You have wild eccentric writer hair and you’re in your underthings, typing away clicketty-clack, and you are cute and sexy and hot and odd and wonderful, and this life here makes me happy.” A breath for how quickly my big and seemingly impossible life wish (revealed on our last trip in November) of Run Away And Do Nothing And Just Be A Eccentric Writer came into fruition.
- We walked for an hour in the evening in my favorite state park and SAW A BEAR WHO ALSO SAW US — the bear did a much better job than I did of acting like this was no big deal, and we danced country two step between the trees, and then I received a lesson in grounding from a gigantic sequoia, and that was all pretty amazing. A breath for all of this, and for all forms of adventuring.
- I am learning so much about Adventure. For example, how hilarious it is that I thought this six month road trip was the adventure. A breath for how happy I am, and for “how did we ever pull this off!”.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. I am learning so much about no and about yes and about adventuring. Back to the hills and our sweet evening walks. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for joy, presence, grace, pleasure, peanut butter, Shmita and this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Rewrote the about page and all my various bios in the various places. Did a lot of thinking about what I want. Pieced together some pieces. Made the list I hadn’t wanted to make. Finalized the plans for Operation Adventures in Reverberating. Figured out timetables for the summer. Actually a surprising amount got done this week.Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of laughing at clues, inventing imaginary ice cream and the power of Knowing What I Don’t Want.
Powers I want.
The superpower of Joyfully Skipping — in the sense of letting things go and also not doing, and also playing hooky, and also the buoyant body sensation of skipping down a hillside in the best mood ever.
And the superpower of easily holding everyone accountable.
Also the superpower of All Obstacles Quickly Reveal Themselves As Not Obstacles, And I Say Thank You Before During And After.
The Salve of There Are No Obstacles.
This is one of those tricksy metaphysical salves — it has an iridescent quality to it so it looks like water and then like metal, and while you’re trying to figure out what’s going on, it’s already absorbed deep into your being, dissolving paradoxes and generating new ones.
At first when I wear this salve, I begin to see openings and possibilities: the fascinating variety of ways that my obstacles might turn out not to be obstacles.
And then in a flash I see how maybe they weren’t obstacles to begin with.
Sometimes this salve requires immense amounts of trust, and several naps. You have to give it a few days, or longer, but you only think you do, because the magic is happening under the surface and also it doesn’t need to happen under the surface, because it already happened, it’s already done.
The best part of this salve is the way it streams in other qualities, like vitality, courage, wonder, appreciation and laughter.
It comes in a shell, which you can tuck under your pillow to release obstacles — that is to say, obstacles that never were, the perception of obstacles! — while you sleep…
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of the horrible color that twitter and Facebook and all these sites use, they’re called Allergic To Blue. Their music is like Daft Punk meets Jacques Brel, but all in 3:4 time. And as it turns out, it’s just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
She Really Loves Peanut Butter. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!