What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish 273: what I want vs what I think I want
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I have a very dear friend who once went through a pretty gruesome betrayal, and he told me about how he decided, in that moment, to choose open heart over closed heart. “Love more, trust more”, as he put it.
When I went through my own awful and unexpected breakup with my beloved mentor, the whole world went off axis, wobbly. I was walking through my life but not in it. I couldn’t feel the ground anymore.
But I remembered “love more, trust more”, and I inhaled the truth of that, over and over again, dissolving and radiating, breathing my way through until I could walk again.
Without negating or denying my very real pain, I looked for every single spark of good that might come from this.
Each day, many time a day, I reminded myself that one day I would look back on this and say thank you, and mean it. A true glowing thank you from my thank you heart.
And I did. I do.
What do I want?
That was a good training for me. An important one.
When my business expansion flailed (yes, flailed) spectacularly and we lost everything, I already had this seeded knowledge inside of me that this too would become a thank you, it was only a matter of getting there.
What do I want?
Do you remember, a couple months ago, I applied for a grant and the whole thing was very fraught and I had to work through my wish here until I was ready to ask, ready to admit I needed and desired support?
I was aware, while going through this process, that there were two desires at play. The desire for the thing I thought I wanted, and the bigger desire which was to feel safe with asking, to feel safe being vulnerable enough to want out loud.
And then this cool thing happened. I didn’t get the grant!
I got the bigger wish. I was able to be deeply, intensely, beautifully, terrifyingly vulnerable with someone, and to receive sweetness and witnessing in a way I have never been able to before.
There was this moment when my heart just softened. I could feel the movement, the newness, hear tiny bits of ice crackling and breaking. It was extraordinary.
Later that day, I realized I didn’t need the grant, which worked out really well because I didn’t get it, and soon after that it became very clear to me that I didn’t actually want it.
I still want the qualities of Support, Receiving, Trust, Enthusiasm, all that good stuff.
I just suddenly don’t want or need that particular form, and it’s clear to me that if I had actually received the grant, I’d be feeling pretty conflicted right now because the thing it offers is no longer aligned with what I really want.
Isn’t it interesting and beautiful how things change, how we change, how desire reconfigures to meet our changing sense of our own truth.
What do I want?
I didn’t get what I thought I wanted.
I got what I actually wanted. And needed.
It’s like a new spin on that bitter-funny-sweet line:
“In this world there are only two tragedies. One is getting what one wants, and the other is not getting it.” -Oscar Wilde
Except there is no tragedy here. Only treasure.
Not getting what I thought I wanted is treasure. Getting closer to what I really want is also treasure. Experiencing the qualities of what I want, this is even more treasure. Gathering intel about how my desires are changing: this is treasure.
What do I want?
To remember this. All the time.
To release attachment when I seed my wishes, trusting that all I need to do is focus on the qualities of my desires. Trusting that whatever I will receive will be a lot closer to what I actually want and need than the thing I think I want.
I’m convinced that the more I remember this, the more I will smile. The speedier I will become at the process of finding the good that is all around me.
I want to get what I want instead of what I think I want. And to know that this is what’s happening right now for me anyway.
What else do I know about this?
This is like an extreme version of Nothing Is Wrong In This Moment.
It also has to do with presence, quiet, being a clear conduit, accessing internal guidance. That way I can know when a desire has changed, when a yes is a yes and when it has moved into a no.
And it is actually a wish about taking exquisite care of myself because without that I can’t really do the other things I just listed.
What else do I know about this?
It requires patience, and a lot of trust, to go through life with this deep clarity that my wishes will change, and that’s okay. The qualities of the thing I originally wished for might need a new form now.
What if the new beautiful just-right-for-me form is on its way to me, and I don’t see it even though it’s right in front of me and I’m tripping over it, all because I’m still attached to the form I thought I wanted when I first made the wish?
I need my wide open heart of curiosity, presence and wonder.
I need to remember that the act of wanting, of being present with heart-desire, is enough. It’s another way I learn about myself and take care of myself.
What else do I know about this?
Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more.
Practice practice practice practice.
And the more I speak truth with others, state my preferences, share intel about my needs, the easier my own relationship with my own desires will be.
What else do I know about this?
All I need to do is say thank you.
What else do I know about this?
It would make an interesting experiment to pretend/assume that each moment is giving me some aspect of what I want, finding it, saying thank you, looking for more, make changes based on that.
What else?
Time for a new compass. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.
What will help with this?
Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes.Take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Permission. Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
And, as always, thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: What have you learned about receiving this month, in this month of receiving?
Me: It feels amazing, like I am both softer and stronger, like being filled with softly pulsating light.
She: It really does feel good. The thing that scared you feels wonderful now that it’s here. It was okay to want it after all. What if next time we make a wish, we trust that this wish is so completely wise that it will land in the exact right ways, and that our heart is ready to receive all the good that is coming. Let’s do that.
The superpower of gracefully receiving gifts.
Gracefully receiving my gifts.
Yes. This is the right time for this.
I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- I am able to state my preferences and desires, clearly, calmly and easily.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: A Beautiful Stew. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
“Somehow everything worked out fine, and it still is…”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka not only is it on the calendar but it’s on the calendar…
Balance worked well for me. Putting intentions on the calendar worked too. And tashlich was nothing short of incredible. Also I am putting some real work into undoing a couple of problematic cycles I’m in, and that’s part of putting things on the calendar too.
Right now my whole calendar is trust. Every day trust.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 322: and
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Having a partner in crime.
One of my favorite parts of the last two weeks of Rally (Rally!) was getting to be Yvette West, Fashion Editor! So much fun dressing up every day!
So I’d been feeling pretty worried that post-Rally me would go back to thinking that delighting in garments is Shallow And Frivolous, my two monster fears.
I don’t want to lose Yvette’s wild-and-free creative instincts! She is so playful, so spot on in her choices, so unafraid to be gorgeous, so unapologetically sexy.
My own tendency is to wear the same thing every day or live in workout clothes. Unless I’m at the Vicarage, which is the place where I give myself permission to dress as lusciously as I want. Being Yvette is like Vicarage-me times ten.
This week I partnered (partnered-in-crime? partner-in-crimed? nothing sounds right but that last one is definitely wrong!) with Agent Annabelle Swell. Every day I told her what I was wearing. This was super helpful. And kind of hot.
Next time I might…
Just say no.
Or really, remember that it is okay to say no.
Lots of things are okay! For example, how hard this learning process is.
Or how much saying no can sometimes scare me. There is lots of conditioning to undo here. It makes sense that this is challenging for me.
This week I watched myself say yes when I meant no. Several times. Often even in a row, when I was still wincing from having said the first yes. Which is exactly the opposite of what I want.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- It was very disorienting on Tuesday to not be prepping for Rally. Or trying to finish a million tiny things for the next Rally. A breath for letting change be good.
- Ugh action steps. They were needed this week. Except ugh action steps. Just the name, never mind the Taking Of The Action makes me want to just burrow back under the covers and sleep for a month. I tried anagramming them since anagrams are magic when I am as allergic to a phrase as I am to “action steps”. First thing to come up? Constipate. Right. Of COURSE. Other options were even worse. Panic Totes. A Septic Ton. A Tonic Pest. To Acne Spit. Basically action steps are so horrible they just anagram into more horrible. A breath for presence and for finding a better way that works for me.
- Making things congruent kicks up so much dust. Mental and emotional dust. Energy dust. It’s good that things that are done are leaving, and in the meantime the process of helping them exit is showing me a lot of things I didn’t want to see. A breath for trust and more trust.
- Last year I was at the Vicarage for rosh hashana, so I had a lot of time to get very quiet (extra quiet!) and focus on what I want in the new year. This year the holiday coincided with a dance convention so my process was more rushed, less internal. A breath for trusting in intention, fractal flowers and the deep internal knowing that seeds are seeds.
- I would like so much more sleep please! I would like to get better at taking exquisite care of this body that is my home. A breath for trust, again.
- Trust. That’s the big thing, isn’t it. Sometimes it is so deliciously easy, so astonishingly simple. And sometimes this is where I collapse. A breath for remembering truth.
- Dancing with people who are not a good fit for me to be dancing with, not advocating for myself, hurting my shoulder. See also: PATTERNS. A breath for seeing this, which is the first step.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Spectacular dance moments this week, so many that I don’t even know how to condense it into a highlight reel. Delivering the steamiest rendition of You Give Me Fever that Portland has ever seen. My teacher’s jaw dropping when I nailed something new on the second try. I’m having fun. A breath for hard work paying off, and for the sheer joy of play.
- A hundred thousand sparklepoints for me! I said no to something without apologizing or over-explaining! Just a clear, sweet “that won’t work for me due to x, here’s what will”, and this was easy. The other person said, “oh cool how about y instead”, and that worked for me so we went with that. The entire experience was not-fraught, and I didn’t go into my Please Don’t Be Mad At Me I’ll Just Accommodate contorting patterns. Sovereignty win! A breath for experiencing how beautiful this is.
- Realizing on Tuesday that I didn’t have Rally to run or prepare for, and then realizing that I could go to a noon rumba class with the retired people. All of a sudden my sad mood switched to “see ya suckers, I’m off to rumba!”, and it was awesome. Also my god I love rumba, why do I not do more rumba. A breath for freedom.
- Tashlich. My favorite ritual of the year. Casting everything you are done with into moving water, in the form of bread crumbs. Casting. What a word. I went down to the river with Agent Mueller and Agent Em Dee, two of my most favorite people. I breathed peacefulness. I released everything that needed releasing, into the water. It was interesting to note that this year didn’t really come with regrets. It was more of a heart-noticing of the times I was not true to myself, and a full-body commitment to live in truth. A breath for letting go and for receiving.
- A visit to my friend Va and her beautiful house. Feeling inspired about color, design, a richness of textures, congruence. A breath for delight, and for the superpowers of color
- “Love more trust more” has been my sankalpa, my intention, in all things, and this is what I’m doing, both on my own and in connection with someone else, and I cannot stop smiling about how indescribably beautiful everything is. Same as last week: a breath of thank you for the right companion for this wild adventure.
- This week was full of treasure for me, in the form of useful realizations, amazing dances, moments of deep peacefulness and moments of wild sparks. A breath for This Is Right.
- Thankfulness. WALTZ BRUNCH! Four hours of dancing and smiling my face off. Bridgetown Swing this weekend. Getting better at noticing, and at receiving. Finally getting to give Marisa a thousand hugs. The notebook of wishes I made for the new year. An intensity of pleasure in my life, and this is not scaring me, and I’m not running away or trying to sabotage anything. So many lovely surprises. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full happy breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Finished all the edits for the latest Sip Hint Learn book, it’s on its way! Big big changes at the Playground. Operation Luscious Consonance is both easier and harder than I thought, and a critical mission if there ever was one. Things are moving. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post called Lost In A Tragic Ice Cream Accident. This is important stuff.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
Last week I wanted the superpower of I Always Remember To Invoke Extra Superpowers, and it worked! I had this one in spades.
Superpowers I want.
I suddenly realized something this week that has never occurred to me in nearly four decades of being jewish: when we wish each other happy new year, we wish for a good and sweet year.
In one sentence. Good and sweet. Not “have a good year” or “have a sweet year”. A good AND a sweet year. This is so beautiful. What an abundant, loving wish. What a wonderful sense of plenty.
You get to have good and sweet. So then the good is even better because it is sweet, and the sweet is even better because it is good, and you aren’t greedy or selfish for wanting both, for desiring more sweetness and more good. In fact, it’s important that you get to have both.
I want all the superpowers related to that. All the superpowers of AND. The superpowers of I’d like this and also some of that. Yes.
Plenty. Delighting. Delighting in Plenty. Sweetness and PLenty. Sweetness is Valid and Important. There’s Good And Then There’s Even Better. It is Okay to Want Both. There Is More Good And More Sweetness. Receive As Much As You Like.
And someone told me that it’s energetically okay to toss our regrets in the water in the form of bread crumbs because apparently in Jewish culture fish are immune to the evil eye. I want the superpower of that! And that should work well, because I’m a fish.
Pisces superpower: No One Can Hex Me.
And more of these from last week please.
The superpower of Theatrical Spectaculars! The superpower of I get a parade! The superpower of everything…in style! The superpower of Self-Ripening Wisdom. The superpower of Everything Is Happening in a Grand Fashion because that’s how I do things, baby, like a fairground stripper! I Boldly Glow. Ablaze With Fearless Intentional Choice-Making. I Have Everything I Need. Wildly Confident, Outrageously Beautiful, Wonderfully Tranquil. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone.
The Salve of AND.
This salve softens everything it touches, starting with your skin and then going deep, illuminating.
Any internal rules you might have that say you aren’t allowed to have X and Y suddenly dissolve into light, so that you are filled with your own light.
When I massage this salve into my skin with sweetness, I find myself suddenly and mysteriously filling up on permission, on amnesty.
I remember that it is okay to combine. I can have good and sweet. I can have sexy and sweet. I can have wild and sweet. I can have passionate and sweet. I can have steady and sweet. I can have all of these things at the same time, and infinitely more.
Any quality I can think of can come into the mix, can be added on with an and.
This is the salve of It Is Safe To Add An And.
This salve enhances compassion, because when you experience what it is like to gently undo false limitations, you can see your own and everyone else’s pain with so much love.
It also helps with sovereignty, and glowing boldly.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Ez, and it’s called Guilt Bombs. They kind of sound like a slow-motion version of The Pogues, though I heard it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish 272: Not only is it on the calendar but it’s on the calendar
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I had the funniest (to me!) moment this week inside of a delicious misunderstanding.
Me: “Balance. That’s what I need in my life. I need to put that on the calendar next year.”
What I meant was that I needed to put in on next year’s Fluent Self calendar, but of course it sounded to the person I was talking to like I meant just scheduling it in. Which, actually, weirdly enough, is sort of how that calendar works.
It’s uncanny, actually.
Not only is the quality of each month exactly what is needed in that month, it’s also what shows up.
Even when I have no idea what’s coming. I mysteriously ended up on a surprise voyage in the month of Voyage, I made the biggest change ever in the month of Resonance, and this year in the month of Receiving, I’m learning more about receiving than I’d ever imagined possible.
And two years ago exactly, the quality on the calendar was Fill Up, and that was a magical month of exactly that.
I really, really like this. Just put it on the calendar!
What do I want?
Literally.
Put. It. On. The. Calendar.
Both in the sense of scheduling it in so that I can make time for what I want, and in the sense of invoking.
I put “gracefully receiving gifts” on the calendar this month and that’s what’s here: endless opportunities to practice.
What if I also scheduled it in other senses. For example, today I could write about this theme, learn about it, dance it, draw it, taste it, reinvent it?
I mean, it’s already on the calendar.
What do I want?
What if everything currently on the calendar (actual things, like appointments) is also secretly infused with this quality and this wish?
What if right now is important and relevant? What if the timing of being in the month of Receiving makes everything that happens in that month about receiving?
So, for example, going to see the eye doctor: an experience in receiving. Dinner with Marisa: receiving. Dance convention this weekend: receiving. Tashlich: receiving.
What do I want?
Tashlich.
I used to say that my relationship with Judaism is complicated, and I don’t actually think it is.
While I’m not (understatement!) a huge fan of religion, I’m wildly passionate about ritual.
And I happen to come from a tribe that is especially rich in ritual, so I take part in the ones that whisper to me, and this is one of my favorites.
Tashlich is one of the most powerful, quieting, surrender-filled rituals I know of.
You do it on the first day of the new year, which for us is tomorrow.
It involves bread crumbs. How great is that. More rituals should involve bread crumbs.
You go to the water and symbolically cast away everything you regret or no longer need from the previous year. In the form of crumbs. You let go, and then you let go some more.
Last year my tashlich coincided with the salmon run, and I got to relinquish everything that needed relinquishing while watching those marvelous brave creatures fearlessly launch themselves upstream.
Everything that is done, everything that no longer serves me: I release you.
Hello, superpowers of that. Let’s put that on the calendar.
What else do I know about this?
I love the idea of putting something on a calendar and having that be enough.
The intention will show me what is needed.
Because whether I actively seek it out or not, my desire has been named. It’s in the calendar.
It’s in the air.
What else do I know about this?
The only way to do this is to approach without guilt, and with a wide open heart of curiosity, presence and wonder.
Otherwise my beautiful intention (get better at receptivity and receiving) becomes territory for my well-meaning internal monsters monsters to say monster-ey things.
For example: ugh you are still terrible at the thing you want, and also you can’t make changes by naming things you want, that’s a childish and stupid way of looking at the world, and nothing is ever going to change, doom doom doom, the end.
Thanks, guys! That was a solid demo of how you do things.
So one thing that helps for me is not evaluating too much.
Sometimes the thing I put on the calendar is a seed for later. That seed is a tiny sweet thing. It requires shelter, spaciousness, adoration, room to grow.
To glow these qualities means I have to stop checking to see if they’ve landed. They are in me. The sparks are there. The best way to grow the spark is to breathe and take care of myself, not to evaluate, compare, analyze, poke holes or assume that anything might be a sign this isn’t working.
What else do I know about this?
Haha, remember what I said last week, in a different context?
Neither did I. But here’s what I said:
Ritual is powerful and beautiful. It’s a container for whatever I am trying to build and grow.
It holds what is good for me.
There you go. Thank you, last-week-me. Those are some wise words and you didn’t even know they were meant for this moment now.
What else do I know about this?
It can be simpler than I think.
Put it on the calendar and then let it go.
Smile at the calendar. Blow the calendar a kiss.
Treat the calendar like a beautiful red balloon: the wish has been made and now it is free.
What else do I know about this?
Times of transition are doors, and doors are magical.
This is a good week to be entering a new year.
What else do I know about this?
Everything is new.
This moment is new.
As Bryan says, “What is yoga, if not the ability to ebb and flow with what comes up in life? Hey. Ebb with this.”
I can breathe with what is: my current relationship with the qualities I want. And I can also come into this new moment of our new relationship, me and the qualities, the qualities and me.
What else?
I would like this wish to go deep, to be a fractal flower.
This wish can pitch in and help with the Cycle of Burnout. This wish can enhance the Sexy Honesty. This wish can show me what needs to happen with the current ops for my 2015 programs. This wish can reveal things about kaleidoscopes and ships, anchors and stars.
The compass of qualities will help too. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Crown. Trust. Presence. Bask. Source. Truth. Glow. Boldly.
What will help with this? And where do I want to start?
Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes.
I can take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Skip stones with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
And, as always, by saying thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: The superpower you asked for at Rally: calm bold fearless ablaze-with-confidence choice-making. Put it on the calendar! In both senses of that. The next piece about receiving is recognizing that you can choose what you want to receive, just like you can choose where to put your attention. You can do things that enhance your ability to glow boldly, like ritual. Or you can do things that diminish this ability (reading blog posts about horrible depressing things). What are you putting on the calendar? This is about intention and play. It’s really good that this is coming up right now, you’ll get so many chances to practice!
Me: Uh oh?
She: (laughing) No, it’s going to be so good. We’re learning about accessing what we need, taking better care of ourselves, noticing patterns without judging ourselves for being in the patterns. This is the beautiful work of life. I’m with you. We can’t screw this up because we’re just collecting intel. You’ve got this. And you’ve got me.
The superpower of gracefully receiving gifts.
Gracefully receiving my gifts.
Yes. This is the right time for this.
I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: A Beautiful Stew. Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
“You might be an undercover unicorn.”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka tryst…
Ohmygod you guys. Never before has a wish come true so speedily and so easily. I am in awe. Big, crazy awe. I was able to take time for my lost ritual every single day this week, sometimes even for hours at a time.
It was nothing less than extraordinary. Also I got to share my ritual with someone close to my heart, and that was special too.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 321: overglowing
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Proxies and cover identities!
At Rally (Rally!), we make up cover stories and use proxy missions.
So this week I was secretly working on a big writing project, but my cover story was that I am Yvette West, Fashion Editor by day and burlesque chorus girl by night, because Yvette, like me, has too many jobs.
On the surface, that’s the only thing we have in common, and yet — of course — it turned out that her challenges are my challenges, and her insights are my treasure.
I dressed like Yvette at Rally too, and yes, costumes are incredibly powerful, and going undercover was wild and fun and full of unexpected treasure.
Next time I might…
Remember that All Timing Is Right Timing and Not Everything Is About Timing.
Rushing is the opposite of trusting.
That doesn’t mean I always need to choose slowness. Sometimes I can pick up the pace: Ketzev 8!
It just means: rushing is at best not necessary and often counter-productive. There is time.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week is the last of the Alphabet Carousel Rallies. And the last of four and a half years of rallying. For the first time since 2005, I don’t know when I’m teaching next. This feels very disorienting. I am going to miss this. A breath for letting go to give the new thing space to come in.
- Cards on the table. Asking. A breath for trusting that honesty is always the right answer. It really is the right answer. Even when the monsters are whispering about how This Is A Terrible Mistake.
- Fall Is In The Air. The other day Agent Anna had a fall, and then I had a fall. The literal kind where you end up with scrapes and bruises, though I think these falls may also be an extreme form of tripping. A breath for presence, and for releasing the need to learn through pain.
- Running smack into some old patterns, fear, worry and doubt, in new contexts. Noticing all the ways this is not helpful. A breath for paying attention to what I need.
- Clearing out, in a big way. It’s important and more than a little scary. A breath for trusting that all this making room is exactly what is needed for the new beautiful things to land.
- I really want my future-confidence vis a vis dance (“I am going to be so amazing at this!”) to start showing up in my current dancing. A breath for trusting the process.
- [Silent retreat]. A breath for deep trust, in all things.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Feeling peaceful and happy in my pleasure bubble. Peaceful and sweet. A breath for the pleasure bubble.
- So many things contributed to the pleasure bubble this week. Waltz magic to live music. Gazelle state. Many sweet hours of yoga on the floor. Hiding in the vault. Wild sexy spirals at Rally. Old Turkish Lady yoga. Dancing on Wednesday night and suddenly having good dances with everyone instead of just a few people. Also this week I had the best dance lesson of my entire life, no exaggeration, it was nothing less than transcendent. A breath for this body that I live in, and for treasuring my body with things that are good for me.
- That was a pretty incredible smoothie. A breath for the full-body thrill of taste, texture, temperature, sensation, shared pleasure and delight.
- Along with all the sadness, there is also joy: I’m not [verb]-ing any Rallies, or anything at all for the next several months! A breath for spaciousness, freedom, possibility, the spark of newness, the longing for new adventures.
- A leisurely breakfast with my beloved Max, followed by a long peaceful walk interspersed with wisdom and giggling. I love her so much. A breath for love, and for my wish of daily life being like the Vicarage, which came true for a whole day!
- In the spirit of “and then something even better happens”, I am sailing in new waters where there is Sweetness and Sovereignty and Honesty and Steaminess and Presence and Intention and Magic, all the good things. Not to mention the hidden superpowers of cards on the table. Wow. A breath of thank you for the right companion for a wild adventure.
- Rally Z (Rally! Rally!) has been mind-blowingly full of treasure. It might be my favorite Rally. I’ve said that a lot, but this really is the perfect way to end this voyage. A breath for This Is So Right.
- Thankfulness. Overflowing with thank-you. Haha, I accidentally wrote overglowing, which might even be more accurate. So let’s just say it: I am feeling pretty damn blissful right now. This is a new feeling. I like it. And I am being really clear about the yes of yes and the no of no, and it feels so good. I am enjoying my writing projects instead of fighting with them. Incoming me is a badass. Marisa is back in town! My body fell with luck and wisdom, and I didn’t get hurt, just a couple scrapes. A shot of ginger-lemon-echinacea-cayenne that felt like a whole-body healing. So many lovely surprises. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full happy breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
More work on the Sip Hint Learn books. Operation 33 Keys is even better than I’d imagined. Clues about 2015: taking lots of notes. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post about doing things in grand fashion. I can’t believe I forgot about this when it is so vitally important.
Good thing Yvette remembered! Experimenting with this changed everything for me this week.
Superpowers…
Powers I had this week…
Trusting the process. Trusting the timing. Well-costumed. Zanzibar!
Superpowers I want.
I always forget how powerful it is to invent/name superpowers until I’m at Rally where we name them and get them. So I want the superpower of I Always Remember To Invoke Extra Superpowers!
The superpower of Theatrical Spectaculars! The superpower of I get a parade! The superpower of everything…in style! The superpower of Self-Ripening Wisdom. The superpower of Everything Is Happening in a Grand Fashion because that’s how I do things, baby, like a fairground stripper!
Yeah! All of those. And while I’m at it, let’s have some of these too:
I Boldly Glow. Ablaze With Fearless Intentional Choice-Making. I Have Everything I Need. Wildly Confident, Outrageously Beautiful, Wonderfully Tranquil. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone.
The Salve of I Do Not Dim My Spark.
This salve dissolves any temptation to apologize for being who you are, as you are.
When I rub it into my skin, everything that does not enhance my ability to experience my light becomes obvious and unnecessary.
This salve does not only brighten your spark, it also shines light on all of the invisible glue holding together the walls of Things That Are Not True.
For example, you can put on this salve and suddenly see that no, there is no need to lose weight to wear the thing you want to wear, and also the entire concept of “weight” and “losing” it is just bullshit cultural craziness that has nothing to do with truth.
And once you can see that, all the invisible glue, all the rules, assumptions and expectations that we agree to, all those things that keep us from glowing our glow…well, they just start to seem irrelevant.
Of course you aren’t going to dim your spark for these vague internal and external rules that aren’t actually based in anything. Of course the way to unraveling those rules and their false power is by agreeing to glow more.
This salve reminds me of the woman on the plane who said I ain’t a slave to nobody or nothing.
She was right. This is the salve for that. I do not dim my spark for anyone or anything.
Clean and clear knowing. Ablaze with intention. Not angry about this, not resentful, not filled with shame about all the spark-dimming I have done in my life up until now. No. Just knowing truth: here is my spark and I am done with the dimming patterns.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Agent E, and it’s called Distracted By Juice. It’s an indie garage band that does plaintive-yet-loud covers of Harry Connick Jr songs. And you know what’s interesting? It’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
While I was in my deep panic last week, I used what works best for me: the Emergency Calm Down Right Away techniques.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish 271: tryst
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I am thinking about cycles again thanks to an intriguing recent conversation.
Especially this cycle:
I begin doing something to take care of myself, until it gradually becomes ritual, something I look forward to, crave, take comfort in, count on.
And then, after however many months or years during which this ritual and I keeping each other company, it disappears.
Sometimes it comes back because [everything that is mine returns to me]. Sometime it comes back and fades away again.
There are some practices — one in particular, the one that used to be known as Descending To The Red Rug — that have not yet returned to me, or I have not yet returned to them.
I miss them. A lot.
What do I want?
I notice myself waiting and wanting, waiting and hoping, just not ready to start.
Not starting, still not starting, and yet at the same time I feel my desire. Look how I keep opening the door and peeking out to see if I can smell something in the air that says yes.
Last week was Rally Y, the Week of Yes.
There is a lot of yes waiting to happen right now.
What do I want?
I want to remember that even though I find this particular cycle frustrating in the moment, there is nothing wrong with cycles. There is an ebb and flow to everything. Life happens in seasons.
And: Not everything needs to last forever.
I actually think our culture puts way too much pressure on people to stick with rituals. It’s that insidious Ass In Chair mentality. It doesn’t honor the creative process which requires presence, experimentation, desire and play.
So sometimes we ritual for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we allow practices to become rigid or stagnant because we aren’t willing to let them change or even let them go.
We forget about the beauty of spontaneity, the importance of following desire and listening for the new desire is that is emerging.
And it’s hard to receive the new treasure when we’ve turned the Thing That Used To Work into a rule about how things have to be.
What else do I know about this?
Generally speaking, I tend to feel wary when I hear things like so-and-so has “meditated for X minutes every day for Y years” or “done the exact same yoga practice every day since 1972”.
To me that sounds a lot like forcing.
It sounds like not being present with what my body actually needs and desires on a given day, in a given moment, which — to me — is the whole point of practicing things like yoga and meditation.
I don’t want to be someone who makes herself do a practice.
I want to be someone for whom practicing is like meeting a lover.
You don’t do it because you have to or even because they’re expecting you. You go because you can’t bear to stay away any longer.
That’s what I want from practice. Practice as rendezvous. Practice as deep sensual pleasure that pulls me in. A tryst for me and my steady breath.
I want to descend to the floor, breathe with my body, stop thinking about logistics and go back to breathing love for the crazy miracle of being alive.
What else do I know about this?
There is something that serves me in each part of the cycle. In the part where I do the thing I want to be doing, and also in the part where I don’t do it.
And there is also something broken in each part, something distorted.
I want to get back to the beautiful truth of cycles: there is a time for resting and replenishing, and there is a time for blossoming and wild glowing.
I want to step away from the distortions that lead me to make choices based in fear and scarcity instead of choosing from presence.
What else do I know about this?
All distortions aside, ritual really is powerful and beautiful. It’s a container for whatever I am trying to build and grow.
It holds what is good for me.
Dedicated space and time to do things that take support me means I actually get what I need.
Way better than my current default, which is not doing things that take care of me.
As long as I avoid the distortion of “you have to do this or else”, ritual is where it’s at.
What else do I know about this?
I had a sudden realization last night about this. Actually, this is related to last week’s wish about sovereignty in the form of Not Contorting.
This particular practice ritual I’m currently missing was with me in some form basically every day for a little over two years. And then it stopped very abruptly.
In my mind I’ve been thinking that this is related to my busy travel and work schedule.
I also expected I’d pick it up again at the Vicarage, and I didn’t, and that made no sense, but I went with it because everything that happens at the Vicarage is not only right, but extra-right.
Last night it occurred to me that there’s a painful reason that explains why I stopped, and I blanked it out because I didn’t want to think about it.
The last time I did this practice was the last day I saw X. He didn’t join me in practicing, and that was unusual, normally he’d sit and meditate until I was done. And then he turned into Mr. Hyde and I didn’t trust him anymore and that was goodbye. I’m glad that is done. And it’s interesting that my ritual got coated with stickiness from this ending, and I didn’t even realize it.
What else do I know about this?
This is a useful instance of a thing that I do. And a useful reminder that I do this. So many times in life I experience something painful and then I go blank.
Sometimes blank in the form of erasing memory, sometimes blank in the form of checking out and not being present, disassociating. Sometimes blank in the sense that one negative memory leaks out into other objects, experiences or events, and then I avoid things I love because they get accidentally tangled up with the hurt even though there’s no direct connection.
I want to remember that this is normal and understandable. That’s how defense mechanisms work. There is nothing wrong with me.
That’s just me being human, encountering vulnerability, following the old familiar neural pathways.
I am okay.
What else do I know about this?
Everything is new.
Ritual, like anything else in life, can be alive, dynamic, ever-changing.
I don’t actually want to go back to what I had before. I want something new and radiantly beautiful, something that feels like now, something that holds the qualities of ablaze with aliveness.
What else?
I want to do more thinking about this new ritual, this new form. What I want it to give me. What I want to bring to it.
Like some Sexy Honesty. Radical Sovereignty. Openness and Sweetness. Being held by a form.
The compass of qualities will help too. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Crown. Trust. Presence. Bask. Source. Truth. Glow. Boldly.
What will help with this? And where do I want to start?
Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes.
I can take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Skip stones with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
And, as always, by saying thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: This is about the superpower you asked for at Rally: calm bold fearless ablaze-with-confidence choice-making. This is about conscious entry. Doing things with intention, connecting to desire, not just going back to something because it’s a “good habit”.
This is new territory. It’s exciting.
The thing you said about a tryst for you and your breath. That is important. Take time for this quieting. Take time to be with me. Know that I am with you, adoring you, glowing mad unconditional love towards everything you touch.
The superpower of gracefully receiving gifts.
Gracefully receiving my gifts.
Yes. This is the right time for this.
I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: A Beautiful Stew. Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
Just add a snooze button!
A sign. Literally. It said: “I want to sail around the world with you”.
Incoming me poked me a number of times until I stopped and looked at it. I want to sail around the world with her too.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka behold the great contortionist…
I have been doing considerably less contorting, and this is good. More importantly, I’m noticing what situations exacerbate my inclination to contort, and taking notes!
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox