What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Chicken 320: Wild and Free
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Asking for what I wanted.
In all ways.
Especially in the form of pauses, intention-setting, taking a moment. Also seeding as many wild wishes as I wanted.
Oh, and costumes. Garments, as Incoming Me likes to say. Also remembering that anything can be a costume.
Next time I might…
Use a buffer phrase.
Often I find myself in situations that are uncomfortable for me, and I don’t say anything, because I can’t figure out how to word it in a way that doesn’t come across as angry or defensive.
I wait for the right words, they never come, and then weeks later I realize I’m still stewing over this, wishing I’d spoken up for myself.
There’s a list of buffer phrases I keep on my phone. I’d like to remember to look there.
And I’m adding a new one: “Can you tell me what just happened, from your perspective?” Or: “It seemed like X just happened. What was that about for you, I’m curious.”
That way I can gather intel which might help me decide how I want to respond.
And either way, I can still say, “Hey, I’m noticing that I feel uncomfortable right now.” That is never wrong.
Wait and get quiet.
Turn inward, take a red light, choose the pause.
This is related to last week’s wish about the yes of yes and the no of no.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Fear about a health thing that is probably fine. A breath for the pattern that says “Panic first!”, and for replacing it with Rest First, Safety First, Breathe First.
- You know what’s hard and amazing and beautiful and healing and also hard? Honesty. A breath for just speaking what needs to be spoken. Or in my case, writing it. How about: a breath for sharing what is true for me right now, and trusting that this will be okay.
- Paying the price for not taking care of myself, combined with frustration because I know that this is always the answer. It is so interesting and mysterious that I choose away from what I need (and like) the most. A breath for releasing.
- Dancer me doesn’t function well during Rally week. I mean, she gets to play like crazy during spirals which is the best. Social dancing though, I lose my center. A breath for paying attention to what I need.
- Making some big structural changes and some small symbolic ones. Mostly with work stuff but in all ways really. All of these shifts are good, and I am still noticing residual fear about how they will be received, how this will change me. A breath for deep trust.
- Receiving. That’s the quality for this month on the Fluent Self calendar of Salves (with the superpower of gracefully receiving gifts). This is something I really, really need to work on, and this week gave me many opportunities to meet my stuff about that. A breath for undoing and for letting in.
- I am hyper-aware of the times in which I am not speaking my truth. An incident at a dance this week for example. Something semi-creepy happened and I immediately went into some old, deep patterns, as evidenced by the fact that instead of standing up for myself, I smiled at the person whose behavior caused me discomfort. It’s like, in that moment all I want to do is placate and keep placating until I can get somewhere safe. So let’s make the safest of safe rooms for small scared me who learned this unsovereign behavior because she thought it would work best at the time. A breath for the process of remembering that Now is Not Then, and I can be brave and tell people what is not okay.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My god what a spectacularly beautiful week, full of all kinds of completely unexpected treasure. A breath for the good, and for being able to see its shining goodness.
- Honesty can be sexy. Not sure how I did not know that before. A breath for discovering this and feeling what it is like.
- Receiving! I am working with this, and things are moving. Also this week involved an astonishing abundance of beautiful things to receive, so: bonus gift in the form of endless opportunities to practice! It feels so good, like breaking through a sensation of a tight dark place and feeling the sunshine on my face. A breath for happiness.
- At the Righting Retreat this week (which, by the way, is nothing short of breath-takingly amazing), I seeded the superpower of Good Surprises. You would not even believe how many high quality good surprises this week brought me, and how good they were. My favorite good surprise from this week was when the person I was missing — missing is a small word for that — cut his trip short by a whole week and came back to me. A breath for many invisible exclamation points, and for the pure pleasure of a Really Good Surprise.
- Gifts! At the last Rally (Rally!), my cover story aka proxy mission was that I was there to do a photo shoot called Wild And Free. So this week I’m at Rally Y aka Rally Why, and Foxy Jess was here. She of course knew nothing about my Wild And Free photo shoot from last time, and yet she brought me a gift in the form of a mug, and guess what it says? All Good Things Are Wild And Free. Another gift: sparkly pink nail polish from Agent Starlight (Natanya) that was a gem on a mission. So perfect! Another gift: The dance at the ballroom that I was so excited about fell through but I knew not to worry because I could feel that another gift was waiting in its place, and it was. A breath for all the things that are so right.
- Everything about the Righting Retreat has been magical. The costumes! The proxies! The epiphanies! Good grief. Not only did I get way more writing done than I ever imagined, I also got way more Righting done than I even knew was possible. The writing was sweet, the energy was intoxicating, the giggling was first class, the conducting was a delight. I loved everything about this week. A breath for joyful companionship with a seriously great group of people.
- Overwhelmed by sweetness, but in a really, really, really good way. I am bringing as much of me as possible to this experience, committing to openness and presence even when it feels raw and vulnerable, because it is right, and much to my surprise, I keep discovering entirely new depths of sweetness and stardust.
- Thankfulness. The Most Not-What-I-Want Wednesday transformed itself into The Most Magical Wednesday. Everything I put in the compass came true, and then some. I can’t stop smiling. Progress on the big projects at my house. We booked two more weddings at the ballroom, yay! Wise counsel from Incoming me. Lovely surprises. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full happy breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Finished the latest Sip Hint Learn book (it is delicious, and now in editing mode, something to look forward to!), and am already deep into the next one. Operation 33 is holding steady. Looking forward to announcing my events for next year. Rewrote a page I didn’t like. Said some things that were hard, and all is okay. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post called some thoughts on dealing with loss (April 2010) holds one of the simplest, sweetest and best techniques I know for presence.
Presence is magical, and it isn’t only useful for loss. It’s useful for everything. I used the naming caper from this post several times this week, and found it very helpful.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of knowing my truth, surprising myself, and of [yes I will wear this blindingly hot dress to work because guess what I don’t need a reason or an occasion to be wildly outrageously expressive in the way that I want to in this moment].
I know.
Superpowers I want.
The power of acting on my knowing: clear, clean and immediate. And the power of I Do Not Apologize For My Idiosyncrasies!
The Salve of Wild And Free.
This salve does so many things at once.
As soon as it touches my skin, I begin to breathe more deeply. It’s a bit like finding yourself in a beautiful outdoor setting, and your whole body just kind of instantaneously resets itself. Your nervous system reorganizes and you notice that everything is quieter, calmer, steadier and more sparkly than it was before.
Or maybe it always was, except you weren’t.
There’s also this rush of energy, to me it feels a bit like gazelle state, or like springtime. I feel poised, ready, alive. I thrill at each new sensation. New ideas bubble up inside of me.
I have what I need for whatever adventure comes up. As Bryan says in the context of yoga, “this requires no more strength or flexibility than what you already have, come as you are”.
When I use the salve of Wild and Free, I soften into myself. I trust my wise body. I say no to all the bullshit expectations about how I should live, and I begin to follow my guided indicated desires and next steps.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Lucky Lola, and it’s called How About Tulips, they have this awesome song called Would You Like A Tulip, and I can’t really describe what they sound like, because they don’t sound like anything I’ve ever heard. As it turns out, this band is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
While I was in my deep panic last week, I used what works best for me: the Emergency Calm Down Right Away techniques.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Bonus announcement!
This book of poems, why do you not have it? It’s called Measured Extravagance, a sexy, complex and intriguing combination of two of my favorite words.
How delicious is that phrase? It might have to be a new superpower. I will also take some extravagance on its own, as well as some measuring. I do love measuring. Acquire this book of poems, this is my suggestion.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish 270: Behold, The Great Contortionist!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
Each evening at Rally (Rally!), we pick a superpower (or many superpowers) we want.
It’s a little bit like these weekly wishes: part asking, part invoking, part being curious about what it might feel like to live this….
At Rally X, I played with all kinds of wished-for powers, but the one that most surprised me had to do with not being a contortionist…
What do I want?
Here it is, my desired Rally superpower:
I do not accommodate people.
Instead I accommodate myself, and trust they will accommodate themselves, and it all works out perfectly for everyone involved.
It was clearly the most brilliant wish in the entire world, and it also immediately unleashed an entire Greek chorus of monsters telling me how incredibly selfish and obnoxious this desire is.
Which is hilarious because: Behold! Another contortion!
Either I’m contorting myself (and stifling both my desires and the intel available to me about what I want and need) in order to accommodate others, or I’m contorting myself into the distortion that not doing so is selfish.
Sometimes seeing what is actually going on is very surprising, even when you already suspected this was the pattern.
What else do I know about this?
It is useful to notice all this contorting.
It is useful to notice how often I’m not only misguided but completely wrong when I try to accommodate.
I contort myself to fit what I perceive someone else wants or needs, and more often than not my guesses are way off base.
More than that. My guesses actively screw things up, just like in dance. My job as a follow is to be present and not-anticipate. If I try to guess what’s going to happen, we lose connection and we lose the magic.
What else do I know about this?
Contorting is wildly unsovereign. It is basically the opposite of sovereignty.
Last week I watched myself contorting all over the place.
I noticed as I actively gave up on things I wanted, out of fear that it might put a colleague in a bad mood, all because I assumed people wanted my company, and for some unclear reason their perceived want took precedence over my actual want.
Last week I observed myself contorting to try to fit someone’s schedule, instead of just speaking truth, clearly and without attachment to any particular result: “I’d like to leave at X time. If that works for you, great. If not, I’ll make alternate plans.”
That’s what I would rather be doing instead of contorting. Sharing intel. Allowing people to respond how they respond. Not trying to figure it all out.
What else do I know about this?
This is related to my ongoing wish about Radical Sovereignty: accessing my clear yes and my clear no, and being true to them, immediately and without apologizing for them.
And to my wish about Boldly Glowing.
And this one: “To be true to myself in a way that is more visible, more palpable, more colorful and more alive. With intensity and panache!”
This wish is just intensifying the previous wishes. This is the next step.
Behold the Grand Contortionist!
I have started narrating my contortions as if I am in a circus act.
It is a way of drawing attention to the fact that oh hey, I am in my pattern again, without piling on guilt, shame and judgment. It’s just me being silly.
In my head, the announcer voice is very deep and resonant:
“Behold! The most impressive contortionist in the world! Watch how she yet again bends herself into an uncomfortable shape in a misguided attempt to please others! Behold the Grand Contortionist! Observe how small she can make herself! Applause for the great skill she displays in accommodating others instead of herself!”
And then I giggle.
Sometimes I also change this to “Behold, The Great Distortionist”, when I catch myself in an untruth, for example that other people’s requests for my time should for some reason take precedence over my own need to take space for myself to preserve my sanity.
What else do I know about this?
As always, noticing is enough. Wanting is enough. Being present with it is enough. Play is enough. There is nothing more I have to do right now.
What else?
Releasing the need to be the Great Contortionist will bring me so much pleasure, so much delight, so much joy.
I’m sticking with the current compass of qualities for this. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Crown. Trust. Presence. Bask. Source. Truth. Glow. Boldly.
What will help with this? And where do I want to start?
Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes.
I can take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Skip stones with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
And, as always, by saying thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: This is huge. Do you know what you become when you are no longer The Great Contortionist? You come into your grace. You are a better dancer, a better beacon. You are a beautiful resonant bell, and an all-around happier person. And everyone in your life, everyone who encounters you, feels better just from being around you.
Quitting this job is the best thing that will ever happen for your circus career, as it were. When you aren’t the Contortionist, you are the queen and the signmaker and the one who crosses bridges. When you aren’t the Contortionist, you are the dancer and the dreamer and the one who follows her wishes. You become a star, in the sense of constellation.
Do this. There is nothing more important than this. And don’t worry about all the times you do end up contorting. It’s just a few last gigs. The main thing is that it’s conscious now. You can see the contorting, and the conditioning that has led you to this temporary career move.
Your next big challenge is to RECEIVE. To learn how to excel at that. And you can’t do it as the Grand Contortionist. So this is right.
The superpower of gracefully receiving gifts.
Gracefully receiving my gifts.
Yes. This is the right time for this. Everything has been building up to this. Like I said two weeks ago:
I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: A Beautiful Stew. Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
Destroyed by sweetness. Infinite depths of stardust. That crazy beautiful moon. How right this all feels.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka the yes of yes and the no of no…
This wish helped reveal some contortions, and it also led me to an exquisitely beautiful yes. I think it might be one of the most important wishes I’ve ever made.
Lots of yeses this week. Lots of experimentation with the kind, loving no.
I also found that it is much easier to trust in All Timing Is Right Timing when I’m actively following my yes.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 319: Come in.
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Permission to rest without needing to know why.
This week involved a lot of recovery time.
Usually this only happens with a fight. This time it just happened, and I enjoyed it.
Next time I might…
Wait for my yes.
This is related to this week’s wish about the yes of yes and the no of no.
When I was true to my yes this week, things were magical.
When I did things out of curiosity (“hey, everyone’s going to this pig roast, so what the hell why not try it”) even though I didn’t have a yes, it got less fun.
Except those moments also brought me to my real yes, so all was — and is — good.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- So very tired. I want to be back at the Vicarage napping and walking by the water. A breath for rest.
- I spent four days being around people! What? I know. So now I have to hide. A breath for This Is How I Am.
- An important fix-it-ey thing is happening at my house, and it means it is too noisy to be home. A breath for patience and for safe spaces.
- Despite my astounding amount of Future Confidence in dance (I plan to excel at this so LOOK OUT, WORLD!), in the moment there are still all these bits my body isn’t able to integrate. Sometimes I get very impatient with this. A breath for trusting the training montage sequence.
- I said this last week and it’s still true: frustration and resentment about all the ways I don’t take care of myself. A breath for patience, healing, remembering that I am doing the best I can.
- Intense moments of panic about a thing that is actually really good. Sometimes there is nothing scarier than knowing what you want and getting it. A breath for recognizing that the growing pains are the sign of growth.
- If a week waiting for Wednesday felt like two weeks, what is two weeks of waiting for Wednesday going to feel like? We’re talking previously undocumented levels of excruciating tantalizing anticipation right now, not even sure what this is going to be like. A breath for the big unknown.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- It was really hard for me to come up with a list of hard this week. This has been a spectacularly pleasurable week, with Disney magical animated landscape levels of sparkle. A breath for pleasure, hello.
- Everything about my Seattle trip was amazing. Wonderful people took care of me and made all the arrangements to ensure I had delicious food and a ride to all the dances. The Swing Science workshops were terrific, the dancing was even better. The Sunday night fusion dance was so great I kind of want move to Seattle, but only on Sundays. A breath for a grand adventure.
- Finished editing the latest YEARbook and it is done! The Book of Bridges & Crowns: A Wild Becoming. I think it’s my favorite thing that I’ve ever written. A breath for happiness.
- Anticipation is my favorite drug, and this week was a long, slow, tantalizing tease of waiting. A breath for play, pleasure, vitality, aliveness, delight in life!
- Worth Waiting For. Not just the slogan for Guinness. A breath for things that are worth waiting for (and waiting some more).
- “We should probably stop dancing or we might never stop dancing.” A breath for magic.
- Sweetness. A breath for sweetness.
- Thankfulness. New gigs for the ballroom, including a weekly dance that I can’t wait to attend. Wise counsel from Incoming me. Red lipstick. Lovely surprises. So many things are delicious. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Sent out the book of Bridges and Crowns! Next Sip Hint Learn book is happening. Operation 33 is going great. And I planned all of my events for next year so STAY TUNED because good stuff is going to be happening. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me that are still important.
If I had to take down all the 1,323 blog posts I’ve written and leave just one, it would be this one about this is where I live.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of every song is somehow exactly fitting for this moment.
It was like life just chose the soundtrack for everything this week. Pretty sweet.
Superpowers I want.
More of the Boldly Glowing superpower please. And I could really use some extra Now Is Not Then, because there are some small parts of me whispering about how that thing that happened that one time could be happening now. It isn’t.
Superpower of Love More Trust More Play More Dance More, come in!
And I will add to that the power of Calm Steady Alertness along with the power of I Take Exquisite Care Of Myself Now. That should bring some ease to the fear that if I let myself love more and trust more, it will hurt.
The Salve of I Take Exquisite Care Of Myself Now.
The wonderful thing about this salve is that using it is taking exquisite care of yourself, so you get to feel its wisdom when you reach for it.
As this salve absorbs into your skin, you suddenly want to treasure yourself all the time. You touch the back of your hand like it’s the most beautiful, fascinating thing you have ever seen. You take a slightly fuller breath and notice that oxygen is kind of delicious, kind of a miracle. You smile at yourself in the mirror because smiling just feels good.
You begin to feel which words feed you and which are unnecessary or untrue. You begin to feel which foods taste like love and which do not, and when. You begin to welcome sensations that are pleasurable into your life.
This salve leads to many, many good things, including but not limited to: cat naps, saying no gracefully to things that are unappealing and optional, bringing new friends into your life who treasure you and everything about you.
It took me a while to get used to this one, and how it tingles. I’m glad I gave it a chance.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Noelle, and it’s called Laser Bees, they play cello elevator music (cellevator!) that is mostly covers of Frank Zappa songs, and of course it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
While I was in my deep panic this week, I used the thing I always use: the Emergency Help Me Calm The Hell Down Right Away techniques.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with the scary things.
I hardly ever recommend these because I need to rewrite the page, it’s several years old. But copywriting aside, this is one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two shoeboxes full of thank you notes from lovely people, and honestly most of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish 269: The Yes of Yes and the No of No
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I want to trust my wise instincts.
To trust them more and more and more and more.
And then even more than that. Ridiculous levels of hearing what’s going on inside of me and respecting it.
To hear my yes and respect my yes. No, to love my yes.
To hear my no and respect my no. To love my no.
Not only that, I want to to take exquisite care of myself so that I can get clear enough to pay attention to each sweet yes and each beautiful no.
I know what I want and I know what I need. It’s just that more often than not I talk myself out of it due to fear and conditioning.
What else do I know about this?
All of this is okay.
The desire is legitimate because desire is always legitimate. The fear is legitimate because fear is always legitimate. And undoing conditioning is the slow, steady work of life, as far as I’m concerned.
I want to remember that everything I’m going through related to this makes sense. Working on these patterns is a process. It’s not something I need to solve right this minute.
It’s enough that I’m paying attention to the existence of the patterns, noticing, seeding wishes.
Safety first.
What else do I know about this?
Oh man. I went into some very old patterns — people-pleasing patterns — last week and did not do the things I needed for myself.
Then I followed that up with this crazy-intense four day weekend in Seattle, which was amazing, except it also involved way more time being around people than I am used to.
And I am paying for all of this so hard right now.
Lots of hiding in bed. Which is useful, because sometimes bed is where all the answers are, and sometimes the best way to layer on safety is to hide.
What else do I know about this?
Not only is it true that Nothing Is Wrong, this experience is actually a good thing.
This is the best kind of hiding in bed, the best kind of noticing patterns, the best kind of learning from experience.
Incoming me said this and at first I didn’t believe her, but it makes sense. Here’s how she described it:
You made a brilliant wish about saying yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no.
More than that: You wished to see and feel how this whole thing works. The idea being that the more often you really YES your yes, and the less you agree to a half-hearted not-no of a yes, the contrast becomes increasingly delineated.
The hypothesis was that this way we’ll be less tempted by the not-yes, and more direct and quick with the no.
And now you feel rotten because you made some unsovereign choices that were not in support of your true desires. You made a WISH and it came TRUE. There is more of a delineated contrast! That’s why you’re feeling exhausted and resentful, and that’s useful intel: now you know what unsovereign moves do to your body-mind, and you’ll avoid them because you know that you need to trust your instinct.
This is a good thing, my love. It just isn’t a pleasurable thing. It will lead to pleasurable things though, so keep practicing!
What else do I know about this?
So interesting. So very, very interesting. So many things about this are interesting.
In my private life I am working on accessing my clear yes and my clear no, and being true to them, immediately and without apologizing for them.
To practice Radical Sovereignty.
But of course the YES of YES and the NO of NO is a lot like “yes means yes and no means no”, and the past several weeks out in the world have been filled with endless heartbreaking and infuriating updates about all the many ways people do not understand or respect consent.
As Julie put it: “All the usual fuckery turned up to 11.”
So there is some intersection here between internal world and external world, a meeting of my personal history (and the future I’m navigating towards) with these other themes.
This is where I learn to be an ally to me. To small me, to scared me, to incoming me.
What else do I know about this?
The more I practice, the easier it will get.
Just like with dance. I used to find that leads would sometimes do moves that compromised the safety of my shoulder. And I would watch myself not doing anything about it. I’d watch myself neglecting the safety OF MY ACTUAL BODY, the place where I live, out of a misguided desire to be polite.
And then I realized how screwed up that was, and I started pausing people and indicating that they were hurting me, even if it was more like “this is about to hurt me”.
Guess what happened? No one does this anymore. And not because I’m dancing with the same people. This weekend in Seattle I probably danced with eighty people I’ve never danced with, and not one of them yanked or pulled or tried a dangerous turn. I’ve become someone who advocates for the safety of my body, and everything has changed.
Now I just need to learn to advocate for myself in other ways so this can change too.
What else do I know about this?
Wanting this is enough. There is nothing more I have to do right now.
What else do I know about this?
I am safe. It is safe to want this.
It is desirable and meaningful and valuable to want this, and to want it out loud, and to practice it and to devote my life to it.
This is part of being a beacon.
What else?
This will bring me more fun, more pleasure, more delight, more joy, more vibrant vital aliveness.
This will bring me deeper into gazelle state.
This is good. It’s important that it’s happening now, and it’s important that I’m avoiding it because it scares me. Avoidance is a sign that I care. Sometimes wheel-grinding is too.
Anything else about this?
Here is the compass with the qualities I want from this. Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.
Crown. Trust. Presence. Bask. Source. Truth. Glow. Boldly.
Like I said last week:
To be true to myself in a way that is more visible, more palpable, more colorful and more alive. With intensity and panache!
Yup. Still what I want.
What will help with this? And where do I want to start?
Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes.
I can take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.
Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Skip stones with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
And, as always, by saying thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: I think you’re vastly underestimating how scary this all is to you, so you’re like, what why am I shutting off, when actually it’s obvious. You’re feeling big feelings right now. You went through some big hard this year. There are a lot of exciting thrilling things happening in your life and a lot of unknown variables.
Also, thinking about and writing about TRUE YES and TRUE NO, which is a self-fluency thing but it is hard to separate from rape culture and all the horrible invasive disrespectful-to-women shit that has been going on in the world, that is always going on in the world, but has come to such a high-volume intensity in the last couple of weeks.
It is okay that this is a fraught wish. It is okay that you are feeling so much about this. It is okay that you know how important this want is and that sometimes this makes you want to run away from it.
You are amazing and beautiful and you have a good heart. However you do this is going to be okay. I’m with you. And when you can do this, you will be me and we will get to work on the next thing together. I love you.
The superpower of gracefully receiving gifts.
Gracefully receiving my gifts.
I need this so badly. My yes: a gift. My no: also a gift. Hearing them is a gift. Acting on them is a gift. And of course there are so many other gifts. It’s funny that I didn’t know this was coming in the calendar and last week I said:
I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. Let’s do it.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: A Beautiful Stew. Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
A shade of pink called Notice Me.
And the fact that I waited five years for this.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka to boldly glow where I have not before…
Ohmygod, you guys. THIS WISH. What a spectacular wish. It has been developing for me in a variety of ways, so I’m just going to share a tiny example:
On Wednesday I was getting ready to go to the dance and we had these guests from France and they were in the bathroom for what seemed like hours and I couldn’t get to my makeup.
Then I found some in my bedroom that I never use. It turned out to be way more intense than my usual thing, and I said to Richard, I CANNOT LEAVE THE HOUSE I LOOK LIKE A PAINTED TROLLOP WHO IS ALSO A CLOWN WHO IS ALSO A RACCOON. Richard said that no, actually, I just looked like me but wearing cool makeup. So I accidentally tripped my way into boldly glowing, and then that sparked a chain reaction of steamy, fun, beautiful, sweet, play-filled, life-filled moments, none of which I’d been expecting and all of which are kind of blowing my mind.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 318: vibrant and plush is actually a great combination.
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Leaving the moment I knew I didn’t want to be there.
Not my yes? Goodbye!
Also hearing a no in my head, and then circumstances just shifted so that I didn’t even have to say it. That was pretty neat.
Next time I might…
Trust my instincts more.
I knew what I needed and I didn’t give it to myself because of [people-pleasing tendencies].
I got the intel. I just chose to ignore it, and now I’m paying for it.
So that’s useful. And also I would like to stop doing this because it results in me feeling resentful and headachey, instead of peaceful and invigorated which is how I feel when I am in my YES.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- It’s hot and I’m tired and busy, and all I want is to have a spa day (not a metaphor) and run away (maybe a metaphor, maybe not). A breath for passage.
- I am having trouble trusting the timing of something, even though all evidence points to All Timing Is Right Timing, both in general and regarding this situation in particular. A breath for meeting my impatience with legitimacy and with love.
- I found myself missing something that is bad for me. A breath for comfort and for trust.
- Oh man, I need more sleep and this weekend I’m in Seattle for four different dance events. A breath for emptying and replenishing.
- Experiencing frustration and resentment about all the ways I don’t take care of myself. A breath for patience, healing, remembering that I am doing the best I can.
- Big feelings. Sometimes even the really good ones are challenging. They are beautifully disruptive, and also they are just disruptive. A breath for being a clear bell.
- I know what I want and it scares me. A breath for courage.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I knew when my phone broke that nothing was wrong, and I was right. I have a beautiful new phone that only holds contacts and intel that delight me. I got some Spontaneous Unsolicited Upgrades of Treasure and Radiant Aliveness (SUUTRAS) that made this whole process much more pleasant. A breath for a clean slate, and for being able to find the good in a situation I would normally find very distressing.
- Trusting my yes, and saying no to things that aren’t a whole-hearted yes. A breath for courage.
- I arrived at a dance workshop and I didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t nervousness or weird energy. It just wasn’t my yes. So I left. Without questioning this or trying to logic myself into staying (“you came all this way, at least try it!”). The clues I got on the way back were better than anything I might have gotten from forcing myself to do a workshop. A breath for pleasure.
- Saturday night! An absolutely fantastic night of tearing up the dance floor at a very surreal Norse luau. Leveling up. Able to do things I didn’t get before, follow things I couldn’t handle before. Able to take risks and try crazy shit and not care if it backfires. A breath for play, pleasure, vitality, aliveness, delight in life!
- Dancing Wednesday night. Somehow even better. Oh, and my wish about Boldly Glowing and not turning down my sparkle came true. I mean, it came true all week long but on Wednesday I started to really feel how this wish was working under the surface in new ways. It turns out when this superpower is activated, even things that are normally not particularly interesting or pleasurable (standing around listening to the announcements) become magical and exquisite. A breath for every single thing about this.
- In the theme of “it’s a small world”, I walked out of my house and straight into someone I went to kindergarten with! Turns out that eighteen years ago he was roommates with my next door neighbor in Chicago, and he is here with his wife and kid for a visit. A breath for delightful crossing of paths.
- Rally X, the Week of Mystery, was just what I needed, surprise surprise. It was an unusual Rally, as only a Rally of X Marks the Spot, the X Factor and Getting to the Crux can be. Also it included a surprise power point presentation and some very interesting spirals. I got what I needed to get, and I also solved the mystery of What Am I Going To Do/Teach Next Year, so that was great. A breath for getting down onto the floor and resting into truth.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Setting up good things for the ballroom. Wise counsel from Incoming me. Red lipstick. Lovely surprises. An extraordinary kaleidoscope talisman that is a reminder about both flowers and jewels. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
So close to being done with the book of Bridges and Crowns! Operation 33 is going great. Things are moving, and I did all the prep work necessary to set off on Operation Sexy Science I, which takes me to Seattle, seemingly away from sexy science but actually towards it. I will also be at a workshop called Swing Science, which is kind of perfect, and at a pig roast, which I wish were a proxy but sadly it is not. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of wishes and the power of visiting worlds where I don’t want to live, to see what they are like.
Superpowers I want.
Same as last week but more so. The power of unapologetically and unwaveringly trusting my instinct. I did not do this a few times this week, and it bit me in the ass. So I am going to add to this the superpower of Wearing My Crown and the superpower of What Is Good For Me Is Good For The World.
Salve. The Salve of Wearing My Crown.
As soon as you rub this salve into your skin, a remarkable thing happens. You suddenly remember that you are the equal of everyone you encounter.
They are not bigger than you and not smaller. They do not have power over you, even if they are in a position of perceived authority. We are all capable adults. We are all made of stardust, filled with light.
It’s not so much that this salve solves interpersonal problems. It’s that when I wear it, I remember my serene, steady, powerful queenliness. And I see other people as capable of being at that level too. And then this approach changes how everything plays out, and that’s what “solves” things.
This salve changes how I carry myself, how I meet people and situations, how I respond. It’s a salve of taking a breath, a salve that heals reactiveness and expands presence.
This salve helps me get to my quiet hum of what is true for me. When I wear it, I don’t need to contort myself in an attempt to placate others or to conform to what I perceive to be their expectations. And I don’t need anyone else to do that for me. We are all equals. Each of us wearing our own crown, taking care of our own kingdom to the best of our abilities.
We do not have subjects. We do not have wars. We have internal spaces to learn about and protect and explore, aspects of ourselves who need love and attention, a whole world of imagination and creativity in which to invent, dream, wish and play.
Just like with last week’s salve, this one serves everyone. There is nothing selfish about it, just the opposite. Wearing this salve allows you to meet the world with more kindness, more spaciousness, more integrity, more peacefulness. This is part of the quiet peaceful revolution of sweetness. Wear it, as my grandmother used to say, in good health.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Questing Lee and it’s called The Cleveland Chimper-Schmoo Quartet, they play vibrant plush jazz, and of course it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
My writing/righting retreat is full. (PASSWORD: oneword)
Is this something you would want another chance at doing in the future? Let me know.
You don’t have to think you’re a writer, you don’t have to write, nothing is required other than that you want quiet time to be deeply creative, wildly inspired, and take some mostly self-guided time for internal exploration or whatever appeals to you.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.