What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish #260: Wonderfully Peaceful
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
Whenever I talk to Eve Wild (Incoming Me), she tells me about her twin superpowers: Wildly Confident and Wonderfully Peaceful.
I have been working with the first one because it scares me more, now is the time for the second.
Or, really, now is the time to understand more deeply how they are connected.
What do I know about this wish so far?
I have run away to the Vicarage, the only place where I consistently am able to access this feeling of Wonderfully Peaceful, so that I can study it.
The Vicarage is also the only place where I allow myself to do hours of yoga, in any form that I want, even if it’s hugging my knees and rolling on the floor, for — yes — hours.
No wonder I feel wonderfully peaceful at the Vicarage. I also feel wonderfully peaceful because it includes all the elements that make a Havi Bell a happy bell:
Quiet. Water. Spaciousness. No responsibilities other than caring for myself.
So of course I am here to learn how to bring this back with me into daily life.
What else do I know about what I want?
Usually I wait until I am very much not in a state of peacefulness to retreat to the Vicarage.
Well, that’s what happened this time as well except this time I planned it right before the crash instead of planning it during the crash. Pre-emptive peacefulness!
I have many monsters about this, from all sides.
Both from the “how dare you take time to yourself when everyone needs you” angle, as well as the other side: “good grief, if you can’t even figure out how to take care of yourself, to the point that figuring out you need a break five seconds before you fall apart is a win, that’s just embarrassing.”
They mean well. And also they’re feeling a little scared about what might happen if I get peaceful as a regular thing. They’re worried I will lose my passion. Nope, not going to happen. That’s why Wildly Confident comes hand and hand with the Wonderfully Peaceful.
So we’re talking about that. Making some safe rooms.
What else do I know?
This wish is connected, intimately connected, with all the previous wishes.
I have made wishes about emptying, about letting go, about closing the doors, about release, about clarity and getting clear, being willing to see what is, one thing at a time, eliminating as part of illuminating.
And here I am, literally in the place where I go when I am empty. I am sitting with the void (it’s a hot date with the void), and I am letting go. Filling up on peacefulness, letting go of things that do not contribute to peacefulness.
Past-me set up everything beautifully so that I could learn this, now.
Anything else?
It’s funny. The monsters are right about one thing. I have every reason not to be feeling wonderfully peaceful.
There’s work stuff and family stuff and heartache stuff and a whole assortment of stuff-stuff, a giant monster-number of things to feel feelings about. Worry, pain, hurt, sadness, all the feelings.
Except all of these are actually reasons to do more exploring of Wonderfully Peaceful, to spend more time figuring out how this works, what it feels like, what I already know about it that I don’t know that I know.
And it is time to ask an old question again: What is more astonishing?
Where do I want to start?
Doing wonderfully peaceful things.
Sleeping. Trusting my instinct. Going for long meandering walks. Listening to the kiwi.
Getting back to the qualities.
And the compass. I love this compass:
Peacefulness. Safety. Ease. Shelter. Freedom. Release. Glow. Wild.
How does this relate to Releasing?
That’s the superpower in the Fluent Self calendar, June is the month of Releasing.
All Past Pain Is Transformed Into Jewels.
Letting go is how I get wonderfully peaceful. Wonderfully peaceful is how I let go.
Either way, they support each other. Maybe wonderfully peaceful is one of the incoming jewels of past pain. That sounds crazy enough that it’s worth investigating.
Talking to Incoming Me about this…
Me: I don’t know anything about wonderfully peaceful, I am the wrong person to be exploring this.
Slightly wiser me: Remember the trees?
Me: Oh, right. I am exactly the right person to be exploring this. I have been on this voyage for decades.
Slightly wiser me: Nothing is wrong. This moment is right. Treasure yourself. I am here for you. There is nothing wrong with falling apart when you need to fall apart. It is not in opposition to wonderfully peaceful, it is part of the process of getting to wonderfully peaceful.
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. The sweetest ship. Dance. Intensity. Unapologetically red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
And, of course, remembering the Vicarage compass: Vitality. Internal. Compass. Aligning. Resetting. Access. Glowing. Energy.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. Possibly Hawaii is not in Hawaii. It’s the Vicarage.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- Ops: Sip Hint Learn.
Clues?
“A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone.” — Jo Godwin.
Thank you, Agent Prairie Blue!
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka covert *and* witchy…
Silent retreat on most of it, other than that yes, this was the exact right wish and the exact right approach. Oh, and guess what? I figured out what Hawaii is a STAND IN for in my wish, and I found my way to the place that is like Hawaii for me.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #309: Chicken on a raft
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Saying what I want.
A thousand sparklepoints to me because that was not always easy.
Next time I might…
Remember that I’m probably wrong about things I think about myself.
This week showed me a bunch of old filters that I have been seeing myself through which are not true or up-to-date or at all relevant to my life.
That was super interesting. And yet the most interesting part is how surprised I am.
Next time I’d like to start from the assumption of “of course I have insecurities messing with how I relate to myself”, and find out what I learn.
p.s. Thank you me-from-a-few-weeks-ago who made a wish about “I am ready to see clearly”. Holy shit. It is here and it is intense. I assumed I’d become more aware of negative things but guess what? I am seeing BEAUTY and I am seeing things that are absolutely remarkable which had been completely invisible to me before.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The Day of Mud during which I could not do anything. A breath for moving through.
- Both while doing all the things and being too overwhelmed to do any of the things, total shock at the sheer number of things. How do I have so many jobs. When is it going to end. A breath for trust and release.
- All kinds of not-fun stuff going on with the chocolate shop. Including a story that involves gun shots, not even kidding, as well as losing a bunch of business due to unrelated circumstances. A breath for whatever will help us get through this.
- Still mad about a thing I would like to eventually be done being mad about, whenever that happens. In the meantime, a breath for me, and a breath for love, and a breath for time doing its thing and bringing perspective.
- This week went to work and projects, and not as much to the things I like to be doing (yoga, dance, writing). A breath for comfort.
- The thing I want is not the thing someone else wants. A breath for finding our way, individually and together.
- Made a giant decision that will bring a lot of ease into my life, except now I am doing Even More Things in order to clear space for it. A breath for passage.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- THE DAYS OF DOING. Rally magic kicked in hard and I have been doing all the things. 15 missions got cleared out just on Tuesday afternoon. Wham boom! It was mind-boggling how many things moved, shifted and completed this week. A breath for joyful applause. And a hundred billion sparklepoints.
- I was able to announce the writing retreat aka the Righting Retreat, and I am so excited about this! A breath for creating the thing that I always wished existed.
- Massive Rally epiphany that is currently blowing my mind so hard, and is impossible to explain because it falls into that category of This Realization Is Stupid-Obvious. It has to do with really seeing, and I am really seeing. Amazing. A breath for this new and glorious reconfiguration of how I can see things!
- No, really, doing all the things. I cannot believe how much got done this week. Things that have been cooking for what seems like forever. Projects that have been back-burnered for even longer. Forgotten things. Urgent things. Future things. All the things. I don’t even know what happened. Just somehow, this was the week, and everything moved for me. A breath for miracles and right timing.
- Richard is wonderful. I don’t say that enough even though I think it all the time. He does so many things that make my life easier. A breath for deep appreciation.
- Taking care of myself. This week I invested in the well-being of incoming me in dozens of different ways, and I made choices towards rest and towards rejuvenation. A breath for this.
- I AM RETREATING. In two different ways. I set up the Righting/Writing retreat that I have dreamed of, and also I found some notes from the last time I went to the Vicarage that basically said, “wow, I can’t believe I waited until I was this much of a wreck to give myself recovery time”, and thought, oh, man, I am watching what is coming and not doing anything about it. So I am taking myself away before I reach that edge. A breath for knowing what to do.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Thank you, Karen J, for the scarf and for thinking of me! My mission last week about joining the Resistance turned out to be brilliant. T.J. said all the right things while I was panicking on Monday. And Oliver Danni sent me Chicken On A Raft! I can’t even tell you how quickly this put me in a good mood. The henchmen have hats, why do I forget this, it is the best. Richard brought me snacks. The yellow roses in the backyard are gorgeous. I am okay, and I am going to be okay, and I trust that every aspect of these hard learning is useful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
So much wham boom this week, I am in shock! I introduced Operation Sip Hint Learn to the Floop and people really got it, and now we are getting it ready to send out to everyone in the Year of Emerging and Receiving. Among the other ops taken care of this week: Operation Lipstick. Mission Morocco Babe. Operation Spacial Wish Times Five. Operation A Certain Witching. Mission A New Way of Os. Operation Possibilities. Operation Righting It Down. And I even got a haircut. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of seeing exactly what I needed to see, which is helping me with Wildly Confident, what I asked for last week.
Superpowers I want.
The power of knowing, deeply, that every moment is treasure.
Salve. The Salve of Zoom.
My astoundingly productive week feels like a miracle, it really does. And I know a lot of seeds and resting and waiting went into setting things up for this vivid, colorful explosion of flowering.
I wish I could share this with you, all of it, so I’m asking for it to come into salve form.
The salve of zoom is peppy and peppery, it is surprisingly soothing, it fills you with trust, and a tingly burst of knowing that things are possible.
I want to say “uplifting”, but it is very subtle. You put it on, and suddenly you notice that you are smiling, and you aren’t sure if this is new or not.
Things are starting to move, you can feel it. And this is good, you can feel it. So you smile some more.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is from Richard and it’s called Don’t Sit On The Banana, and they are a fiddle quartet, though I heard a rumor that it’s actually just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT. Wheeeeee!
I spend a lot of time saying “ohmygod I want to go somewhere and WRITE, I want to go on a writing retreat” and then I never do that because of the part where hahaha I’d probably have to sit around with Writers and talk about what I’m writing.
And then I realized I could invent my own that would be exactly what I want. Price super low because I need to leave town for a couple of weeks. It is called a Righting Retreat.
Partly because that sounds less intimidating (to me), and partly because it is true. We will Right things.
Come read the page because 1) I swear a lot, 2) I make a pun that is also truth, 3) there is a cloud that makes me smile, 4) I can’t be the only person who longs for this, 5) I just made a thing and would love company, 6) there is an extra-extra-extra low price for the first few people.
—-> https://fluentself.com//righting/ —-> PASSWORD: oneword
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Oh!
Oh.
It’s that moment of realization.
Oh is the sound of recognition, the sound of remembering.
Oh is for opening, and for openings. Oh is the shape of the mouth of the fox in the video game when he remembers there’s another way out.
Oh is for Open Sesame.
Oh is for observing, noticing, paying attention.
My toes lift up in a little dance, and my left hand is clenching again.
Oh for the things that are not obvious. Until they are. What I sometimes call Stupid Ephiphanies.
Oh is to orchestrate, to allow things to come together in new configurations.
Oh is omnipresent. Oh. Oh!
Oh, it is fun to say. Oh, yes it is.
Oh is for octagons. Like an eight pointed compass.
Oh is orientation, knowing who you are, where you are, where we are going.
Oh is for order, a new order, order from chaos, ordering things, letting everything reconfigure, letting everything be new again.
Oh for oodles! Oddities! Odds and Ends. Outlandish! Oddballs. Oops!
Oh for outrageous, outlandish and over the top.
Oh!
Oh! Like oh yeah and oh baby and oh oh oh oh. Oh is the sound of the lightbulb going on. Oh is the sound of remembering truth.
Oh for outside and outdoors. Orchards. My favorite place.
Oh for ONLY this moment. This optimal moment.
Oh for Ocelot, a wonderful word.
Oh for the shapes: Ovals. Obelisk.
Oh for the sounds: Ooh. Oomph. Oom pah pah!
Oh is for lovers.
Oh. Orgasms, obviously. SEE WHAT I DID THERE.
Oh for orange, the best color.
Oh for my beautiful ocean. Opals are beautiful too.
Oh for Options and Opportunities. Things that are organic, like organic change. Oscillating, one way that change happens.
Oh for Ovid who said that a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop. Oh!
Oh! It is for ownership, an aspect of sovereignty. Oh is for options, and for recognizing that many, many things are optional.
Oh is for secret ops! And for the land of Oz.
Oh for organizing, in the sense of things organizing themselves, reconfiguring, the dance of life. Origins. Things that circle back to where they began, but new again. Oh. Om.
Oh is to play with.
Oh, and if you would like an additional Offering of O words, go here of course, for such delights as oblectation (enjoyment, pleasure), obsecrate (to implore), odoriferous (emitting an especially pleasant smell).
Can you tell it was Rally O? It was. I love Rally (Rally!), and this was a fun one because we said OH a lot. In every possible intonation. Sometimes it was a gasp, sometimes it was a laugh, and sometimes it got a little dirty.
May it be so! And come play with me.
Thank you, letter O.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with O, go for it.
If you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, you can.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with O (and Oh), for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish #259: covert *and* witchy
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
This wish has to do with a very old pattern that comes in different variations and generally involves the following elements: 1) I don’t know where to start, 2) I make a list of All The Things, 3) I get completely overwhelmed thinking about All The Things, 4) I panic and go back to bed.
I want a way to see the next thing without losing track of all the things, but also without having to look at all the things.
You might remember that last week, I came up with Mission Cards which were helpful.
And six weeks ago I talked about CWUs aka complete willingness units or tiny first steps, which I am currently pretending stands for Covert Witchy Undergarments.
Covert and witchy at the same time. How great is that.
This is a wish about that, and it is also a bigger wish.
It has to do with ONE THING AT A TIME, and with letting this solve everything.
What do I know about this wish so far?
It has to do with trust.
I really, truly have to trust that doing one thing leads to the next thing, and that each one thing is a fractal flower, supporting the entirety of the garden.
What is an example of ONE THING AT A TIME?
That is, as opposed to ALL THE THINGS AT ONCE…
Okay, so, for example, one of my ops in progress is a Sail of Emptying for the Playground, emptying out the things that we don’t use or no longer need.
I have been thinking, for months, of setting aside a day for this.
And I don’t do it, because:
- I already have a million trillion Monster-number of things that need my attention.
- Too many parts and pieces to think about!
- It requires putting pricing stickers on all the things, and this stresses me out.
- Blah, reasons.
- Being around people? For a day? I don’t know….
So then it doesn’t happen.
What if it doesn’t have to happen all at once though?
What if once a week, here or at the Frolicsome Bar (our Facebook page), I announced ONE THING that is for sale?
It might take months (monsters say: forever!), but you know what? It is already taking that long. So maybe tiny step followed by tiny step is — for me, right now, as an experiment — more effective than working on the op as a Thing That May Possibly Happen Eventually.
What else do I know?
This wish is part of a long line of recent wishes.
I have made wishes about emptying, about letting go, about closing the doors, about release, about clarity and getting clear, being willing to see what is. Eliminating as part of illuminating.
So this is the next indicated step.
Anything else?
I like the sound of covert and witchy. I like the combination.
Covert like spies, Bond girl, special ops, secret agent code. Witchy like magic, play, light-heartedness, the east wind, the wonders of anagrams.
And underthings is for glamour and awe and wildly confident and trusting in pleasure, and the secret holiness of all of these things.
I like the idea that this process of choosing little steps instead of trying to do the big thing could be covert and witchy and glamorous…
I like imagining that everything I do is coated with a layer of witchy-covert-glamorous, spills over into witchy, covert and glamorous. Yes. YES. I like this a lot.
Where do I want to start?
With the qualities. Rest. Permission. Legitimacy. Amnesty.
The compass of treasure from last time is still working for me:
Peacefulness. Safety. Ease. Shelter. Freedom. Release. Glow. Wild.
How does this relate to Releasing?
That’s the superpower in the Fluent Self calendar, June is the month of Releasing.
All Past Pain Is Transformed Into Jewels.
Letting go. So, letting go of the need to do everything at once, letting go of the fantasy that one day I will do all the things, letting go of the painful stories about how I don’t do enough. Letting go of the deep hurt I am carrying.
Talking to Incoming Me about this…
Me: My head hurts. I feel overwhelmed. Too many mysterious projects, still.
Slightly wiser me: My love, of course you feel overwhelmed. Look at all the crazy shit going on. You are okay. This is a natural and normal response to stressful external situations. You need time to take care of yourself. In the meantime, let’s take a few steps backwards and recalibrate our seeing. Nothing Is Wrong. None of this is real. Take care of your body, and the rest will work out.
Me: ????
Slightly wiser me: Pause. Breathe. Two minutes on the floor, three minutes, eyes closed, breathing. I told you last time: Nothing else is as important or meaningful as these moments of quiet. Treasure yourself. Treasure the home that is your body. Let that be the starting point.
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. The sweetest ship. Dance. Intensity. Unapologetically red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. Possibly Hawaii is not in Hawaii. Ohmygod I think I might know where it is!
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- Ops: Open Sesame, Friday Nights, Siltonian, This Is The Ship, Sip Hint Learn.
Clues?
Chandler discovered that an anagram for her name is REALLY ANCHORED!
Incredible. I spend my time with anagrams and never looked inside of my name. Highly entertaining:
Bolshevik Labor! Lovable Brisk Ho! Lo Verbal Kibosh! Silk Verbal Hobo! Brave Books Hill. Kibosh Lover Lab.
What I am taking from this is: PLAY. BOOKS. LOVER LAB. SILK. VERBAL. A really great hobo bag. And not sure what to do with bolshevik labor other than to laugh and let it be secret code for something.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka closing doors in order to open other ones…
This was a great one, and I actually finished all six ops:
- Operation K Has A Crown.
- Operation Flippity-Wah!
- Mission of the One Wish.
- Operation Solve for N.
- Operation Jazz Hands!
- Mission: Emptying To Let In The Light.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #308: Finicky Card, Eh?
It is Friday Saturday and we are here.
Or maybe it is Sunday if you are in Europe, or Australia/New Zealand where it has been Sunday for a while, and yes, we are here.
{a breath for for being here right now}
All the stuff I’ve been through lately landed all at once, and I’ve been in bed for the last couple days, so there’s that. Let’s Chicken. It’s a Finicky Card, eh? More about that in a second…
What worked this week?
The east wind.
The magical east wind that blows everything apart so that it can reconfigure into something new.
This was a helpful concept for me in all things this week, especially when it came to knocking things down. Also useful in perceived moments of falling apart.
It was also fun to work with in the form of anagrams. I have always loved anagrams, but this is the first time I realized they are essentially the east wind in action. Destruction can be playful. Reconfiguration can be joyful.
This was a big help after Rally (Rally!), when I always feel the need to do a ton of Congruencing, or, in anagram form: the Unconcern Gig.
And it was great for things I was avoiding:
- Changing Sheets became Change The Signs
- Fold Laundry became Lady Lord Fun. Or: Fa Drolly Dun. Ooh, a really good one: Odd Rally Fun!
- Hand Wash Clothes became Slow Chanted Hash or Lash The Cowhands or Hatches And Howls or Who Handles Chats!
- Friday Chicken became Archfiend Icky, Yack Inched Fir, Dear Finch Icky, Ready Fin Chick, Fad Cynic Hiker, Chef Nick Diary, Chick Fairy Den, If A Nerdy Chick, Cafe Cry Hid Ink, Chef Dinky Car I. So many choices. All perfectly good fake bands. My personal favorite of the moment: Finicky Card, Eh? That basically sums up how I feel about everything.
Next time I might…
Remind myself about process.
This week was devoted to a giant writing project, and my monsters had lots of “feedback”, not (oddly enough) about the perceived quality of the writing, about other things.
So I’d spend the first half of each day in the resistance, in the not-wanting, and then around 3pm, magic: I’d have three gorgeous hours of uninterrupted writing where I had all the right words.
Next time I’d like to spend the Resistance Hours celebrating the resistance. Look at me, clearing space for later. Look at me, having as many naps as I’d like. Look at me, trusting the process. Look at me, finding out about all the rules I have about writing.
I’m going to Join The Resistance! It’s kind of a proxy, and kind of an inside joke, and it’s working for me. In the meantime, trust trust trust trust and more trust.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Wiped out. I knew this was coming, with the trip to Detroit and the discovery about the Spy, and various other things, and now it’s here. A breath for deep healing.
- I’ve never had a relationship end badly before. That sounds kind of crazy, and I wouldn’t have agreed with that statement a month ago: I’ve had plenty of endings that came with awful amounts of sadness. Just never, I don’t know, I’ve never wanted to erase all traces of something before. This is new. A breath for letting this all go.
- Waiting. A breath for comfort.
- Wanting things that are not here. A breath and a candle.
- Some useful and uncomfortable insights, like holes in the wall of a cabin, letting light in. It’s time for the cabin to come down, and I need to get used to this. A breath for release.
- This was not a great dance week for me, though there were some sweet moments. A breath for the thing I am passionate about.
- Too many projects. A breath for passage.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My wonderful housemate who listens without judging, makes me smoothies, reads my writing, wants all the good things for me. A breath for true friendship.
- The miracle of this body. I said this last week, and it is still true. I am not liking having a cold, and at the same time, I have legs that walk, ears that hear, fingers that type. A breath for deep appreciation.
- WALTZ BRUNCH! My favorite dance in Portland, and one I have missed for several months due to traveling. It is just as much fun as I remembered. Plus I got to practice leading! A breath for pleasure and delight.
- Audrey was in Portland for twenty four hours! Which, while not nearly enough Audrey, is so much better than the usual thing of no-Audrey! And: she came to Waltz Brunch so she could see me! And she brought Baden and this was good. A breath for friendship, play and delight.
- Wednesday night dance, still my favorite night of the week. I got to dance with someone I hardly ever get to see, play with friends, be silly, try things, experiment, do some new moves. A breath for happiness and knowing what I want more of.
- Twitter. I have not really been hanging out at the Twitter bar this year, and suddenly it was fun again. A breath for unexpected happy surprises.
- My scary writing project turned out beautifully. I finished all the parts I needed to finish, and they are all amazing! A breath for the secret gifts of Rally (Rally!), and the wonderful thing that is the creative process.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Rally Q was full of Queenliness and Quiet, and worked a deep magic. Joining the Resistance was fun. Flurrying is good. A giant fun package of monster-covered notebooks and mysterious popsicle erasers arrived from Australia: THANK YOU. Walking in the park makes everything better. So does taking it to the bath. Luke was right: it’s really all about panache. I am okay, and I am going to be okay, and I trust that every aspect of these hard learning is useful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I am a Wham Boom rockstar this week, which is hilarious because my monster crew is like, “you are the worst and you got nothing done and everything is late and everyone hates you”.
Except, let’s actually look at this. I got 184 pages of editing done in TWO DAYS, fastest YEARbook edits ever! And the feedback on the book is amazing. And then I wrote another ebook at Rally, to be edited soon. So, yeah. Operation Xs and Ys is done, Operation Sip Hint Learn the First is done, many other things are done. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of having the right words at the right time.
Superpowers I want.
The powers of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Peaceful, Trusting in the Moment, Choosing Pleasure.
Salve. The Salve of a Hug In A Box.
Here is a Reusable Hug Box.
It is a tiny box with a heart on it and inside is a beautiful piece of paper that says HUG.
It is a message wrapped like a gift. It is a moment of remembering that you are loved, still loved, more loved, as if all the love from all the different sources, no matter how forgotten, can suddenly land. In pure form, without expectations, rules or desires, just love.
This salve is like opening a hug box. It soothes and eases, softens and releases.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is from the anagram generator and it’s called Yack Inched Fir, which is secretly the Friday Chicken, they’re first album is called Turn Down Fir What, I know, it’s hilarous, and they look like a Seattle grunge band but they’re actually from Tennessee, and as it turns out, it is just one guy.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
So I love Dear Kate underthings because they are magic, and they turn the least glamorous part of my month into a reasonably-glamorous and much less stressful experience. And now they are making workout pants, which is going to make all of my life better. Support their Go Commando kickstarter before it ends.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.