What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #304: advocating for myself
It is SATURDAY and we are here.
Sometimes a Friday lasts a little bit longer, and sometimes a Chicken happens when it happens….
So here we are.
{a breath for being here right now}
What worked this week?
C.H.A.T.S.
It stands for Conversations Happening At Temporal Safe Houses.
This came into being because of my tendency to run conversations in my head when I am not ready to have these conversations in person.
Except I don’t want those to be the words in my head. I want my words to be reminders of what I want: PEACEFULNESS and PRESENCE. Treasuring myself. Remembering to take a breath and let go. My head space is for me, not for running dialogue.
So I made a document on my phone called C.H.A.T.S, and it is a safe house for these conversations. When I notice myself whooshing off into one of these conversations, I write down the words I may want later. Then I make a wish for peaceful, ease-filled conversation if/when it happens, and then I close the door.
When I am ready for the conversation, I can pick up the thread there instead of playing with it and batting it around in my thoughts.
Reminding myself: I want to be here now. I want to be here, now.
Next time I might…
Have my buffer phrases ready.
Steady and clear forms of saying NO, with words that work for me. This has to do with advocating for myself, a big theme right now.
Related pieces: Taking my sexy time to do whatever I’m doing. Or if I decide I need to hurry, making the speediness fun instead of trying to placate the Urgency Monsters.
And, if I go to this dance convention again, finding people in advance to walk with me in the middle of the night, people who do not think it is bizarre that I want this, which is nearly as triggering as the situation itself.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Oh wow, so many people in so many different kinds of pain. A number of people I love were in the hospital this week, going through rough things. A breath for filling up on ease and peacefulness. A breath of this for everyone who needs it.
- The Unbearable Missing, while significantly less agonizing than it was a week ago, is still a part of my daily reality. A breath for trusting the magic of time to do its healing thing.
- Super creepy and uncomfortable incident at a dance convention where the lead I was dancing with did something completely inexplicable and not okay. I went deep into paralysis, old neural pathways, couldn’t find my voice. This pattern was repeated throughout the week in various smaller ways, like when I discovered that someone I thought was a friend actually holds horrible anti-semitic opinions, which she felt comfortable voicing because she didn’t know I was Jewish. A breath for processing this pattern in all of its forms, and for change.
- Actually I was in my stuff all weekend at the convention. Comparison is the devil, or so the sufis say. I was comparing, and that never leads to good things. A crisis of confidence. A breath for allowing all the treasure in this experience to come in and land.
- Dark parking lots, and not wanting to cross them but wanting to be at the place on the other side. Not a metaphor, but yeah, that also works. This is related to: I don’t want to be in a relationship and yet I have envy related to my perception of “other people have someone to walk with them through the scary places”. A breath for finding truth, and for safety.
- Walking into my beautiful ballroom, aka the chocolate shop, seeing the ruined floor, and bursting into tears. I get that my big dream wasn’t to be. And this — how things are now — is still very much not what I want. A breath for learning from what I don’t want, may something new and beautiful come in.
- I have an impossibly busy month, and a bunch of projects that are at the point of Almost Ready To Deliver. A breath for miracles.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- A giant breakthrough. I have been working — steadily and passionately — with this theme/project/mission of What Would Happen If I Could Treasure Myself, and I am finding out, and it is awesome. A breath for trust.
- Related: My desired superpower of Wonderfully Confident suddenly kicked in this week, amazing. A breath for delight.
- The water scare ended in less than a day. A breath for moving through things and remembering that Nothing Is Wrong.
- Nothing is wrong. A breath for remembering this and for my life work about remembering this.
- I had the best time playing with Leela at the Twitter bar! A breath for playmates.
- This entire week was filled with GLORIOUS dancing, I am having the time of my life. A breath for pure delight.
- Did you know that Kermit the Frog singing the Rainbow Connection is a waltz? Of course it is. I waltzed to it last night! A breath for the sheer joy of life and aliveness.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Writing is healing. My finger is healing. My heart is healing. Roses and strawberries in the garden. The three year old next door blowing kisses to me from the window. Dropping off bread at Dana’s. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
This was a big week for ops! Operation Cape Egrets is ready! Operation Detwah is happening! Everything is moving. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I got the superpower of Wonderfully Confident, the cousin of Extreme Sexy Fearlessness. It was amazing. More of that, please!
Superpowers I want.
The power of resting before I need to. And the power of trusting in timing.
Salve. The Salve of Taking Care of Yourself.
This salve is about trust, it is about sanctuary, it is about things coming into harmonious relationship, it is about courage, it is about rest and it is about treasure.
When you rub it in, you feel sturdier, steadier, more grounded.
Suddenly all the questions of ‘should I do x’ seem irrelevant, because of course you are going to make choices that support what you need. All other considerations become silly.
It’s like what Brian Kest says: “You don’t make decisions about what your body can do. You honor the decisions being made.”
Using this salve is the moment when that becomes obvious and true, when kindness towards your body is the only conceivable option.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is called Clown Water, and they play punk-metal with a bit of a ska feel. They wear awesome hats. Also, autocorrect had a lot of trouble with my conversations this week about having to boil water because of the water scare, and the need for water to be clean. Anyway, great band. And yes, they’re just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish #254: Operation Gonna Gotta
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
Operation Gonna Gotta is secret agent code* for Tango Tango, which is secret agent code for Trust and Treasure, and also not code at all: I want to learn Argentine tango.
What do I know so far?
- I have enormous amounts of Stuff and Monsters about learning tango, mostly because I’m convinced I’m going to love it, and my dance obsession is expensive enough as it is. Tango requires totally different dance shoes and private lessons, among other things.
- The time to learn it is now, because Richard Powers (swoooooon!) is coming to Portland in a couple weeks and I signed up for his workshop and it includes social tango, and I don’t want to show up without having done it at least a couple times.
- This is going to require lots and lots of code.
What else am I noticing?
I have resources.
I can talk to Agent Anna. I can get a private lesson from Rachel or Eric.
There are so many places in Portland to practice.
Even with all the [Upcoming Travel], I can still fit in four or five practices before my workshop.
So really this is (as always) about my fears, perceptions, worries and doubts. My stuff. Not about the reality at hand.
This is about identity and about going through a door that kind of scares me, in part because I know that on the other side of that door are big, passionate feelings. No wonder I have been scooting past the door and pretending it wasn’t there.
What else do I know about this?
Bond Girl is 100% for this mission. Tango is a skill that all secret agents should have.
So it opens up options. I love options. Possibilities are the best, whether I use them or not.
And sometime I’m at west coast swing and I’m not into the music. So in that case I can just walk upstairs and join the alternative tango group.
[Monsters: But-but-but outsider complex!]
What do I really want?
Options. Possibilities. Ease.
All the good things.
That’s practically halfway to a compass! Let’s make a compass. It will be the Compass Of All The Good Things.
Who knows, maybe sometime when I’m feeling brave I will also seed “All The Good Things” at one of the compass points.
Options. Possibilities. Ease. Pleasure. Freedom. Spaciousness. Play. Delight.
I am feeling so good about the quality of this month from the calendar — Delight — with the superpower of “Or Maybe Something Even Better Will Happen”, so good for me right now.
What else do I know about my wish?
Nothing is wrong.
Even I don’t do anything with this wish/mission, I’ll still be fine at the workshop. The important thing is really just noticing what’s happening with my relationship with this door.
Whatever I do to engage with the door is right, whether I walk through it or not. Walking past the door and saying, “oh there’s that door I have feelings about” is a legitimate practice too.
I can leave a sticky note on the door with a heart. I can put my ear up to the door and listen.
I can give myself permission to have a complex relationship with this door and I don’t need to know why.
Dance for me is very tied up in lots of identity things. Dancer me and Writer me are twins. It makes sense that this feels vulnerable and scary. However I go about this is fine. Safety first.
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. Xs and Ys. Dance. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
Are you in or near Portland? Do you know people in or near Portland?
Uwe and Colleen, two of the most amazing dance teachers I know, will be teaching a two hour workshop at my ballroom on Saturday, May 31, from 2-4pm. They never do intro workshops, and this is an amazing opportunity.
It’s social waltz which does not sound like a sexy dance, but actually it is one of the best ways ever to learn partnering and connection, which is what makes you a really good dancer.
Plus, Portland has a huge social waltz community (it’s the nicest and most welcoming of any dance community I’ve ever encountered), which means that once you’ve done this, there’s something fun you could go to every night of the week and feel at home there.
If you don’t have dance experience, this is a great way to learn. And if you do, this will make you a way better dancer at all dances. And if you are interested in teaching (dance or anything else), come just to watch how they magically make this practice accessible. They are probably the best explainers I’ve ever met.
Please help me spread the word! I want as many people as possible to benefit from their teaching, and filling the ballroom with dance is my big dream.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. What if Hawaii is not in Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Going In. And: More recovery.
Clues?
Inverting the colors.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Notes and love letters…
Ohmygod, last week’s wish was so helpful! I have a much better sense of all my ops and missions.
I made big, crazy progress on a number of them. Operation Detwah is happening! Operation Sexy Waltz is happening! Operation Cape Egrets is happening! Everything is easier when I have love letters. I want to keep doing this.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #303: blink blink
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Playing the game of X Things That Don’t Completely Suck.
I played this at the Floop, and it was perfect.
The game is based on a game I used to play at Thanksgiving.
But that game had a lot of lentils and on the Floop we were naming just 7 things that are not horrible. This is a good game for me to play, and a good way for me to play it, especially in the midst of Stuff.
Here were my 7 things:
Beeswax candles. This pillow Briana made me that is the best gift ever and always makes me think of her and smile. Richard is the best at bandaging hurts. Portland lindy society might be doing an event at my ballroom! Maybe emily will be in michigan when I’m in michigan, or if not we will be in the same time zone and we can text. The first two weeks of missing someone always hurt the most, so I am ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH the hurting-est part. And: I am buying things that will help with my dancing blisters which means I can do more dancing, because dancing makes everything better.
It helped. More than I thought it would.
Next time I might…
Look at the notes!
I love Rally (Rally!), and it always makes for deeper, bigger, different realizations than I am expecting. As Agent Anna says, the first rule of Rally is expect the unexpected.
Anyway, even though I have now rallied FORTY-SOME Rallies, I forget this. And I also forget to expect the expected too:
After Rally there is this period of integration and decompressing, and it takes longer than I think it will. So I tend to think, “Okay, Rally was amazing, and now I’m going to go to aerobics and pick up the mail and do a bunch of things I didn’t get to this week because of Rally!”
And then very quickly it becomes clear that actually I am going to crawl into bed and hide for two or three days. There are lots of notes on this in the Book of Havi Bell. I want to make a point of leaving myself a reminder at Rally to not try and do anything after Rally.
It’s in the BORK (the Book of Rally Keys), because I’ve written about this a lot. But I need a reminder for me. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to keep re-learning this one, over and over, until it lands.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Off my dance game. Or: perceiving that I am off. Having trouble dancing with people I usually have great dances with. Crisis of confidence. A breath for trusting the process.
- Letting someone out of my life was the right move, and it hurts. Unbearable levels of missing. A breath for healing.
- A consequence of this letting go: noticing how much need I have for better systems of emotional support. A breath for finding the treasure in this.
- A number of people I care about having big, scary health crises. A breath for love and for wishing.
- Forgetting that nothing is wrong, forgetting to take eight breaths, forgetting that love is not separate from me. A breath for remembering, the work of life.
- Everything changing. Seeing all the ways that I do not treasure myself. A breath for comfort.
- Some stuff happening at the chocolate shop that I find absolutely infuriating and don’t know how to resolve yet. A breath for waiting to see what the next step is.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I made some tough decisions, and that was right, and I could feel it was right. A breath for trust.
- An epiphany about rollerskating (proxy!) helped me get so much done this week. How much done? So much done. WHAM BOOM. Everything on my scary list, including two projects that have been on the back burner for what seems like forever. A breath for sneaking around the hard.
- Friends. Richard, Emily, Naomi, Heather, Agent Em Dee, people showing up. A breath for remembering that there is love and more love and even more love.
- Nothing is wrong. A breath for remembering this and for my life work about remembering this.
- I had a marvelous time at the Spring Dance even while in my stuff about dancing. And on Wednesday I was not in my stuff about dancing, and was able to just enjoy. And then I danced with someone I always dance with who always ends the dance with the standard “thank you for the dance”. And this time he said: “Oh wow that was just wonderful!” A breath for pleasure and delight in life.
- Here’s something: I am handling things really well, considering. A breath for now is not then.
- I am on an adventure right now! On my way to southern Oregon for a dance convention. A breath for the passage and the crossing.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Roses and strawberries in the garden. Waltz. Tortilla chips. Talking with monsters and remembering that nothing is wrong. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished Operation NO, Operation Sexy Waltz, set things in motion for Operation Detwah, completed all three of the first stages of Operation Cape Egretsmade progress on Mission Case Ends Ho, edited the first draft of Mission of Xs and Ys, completed what seems like a thousand small ops. Wham Boom! Thank you, Rally.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of taking eight breaths when I feel feelings.
Superpowers I want.
The power of Always Remembering That Nothing Is Wrong. And the power of Wonderfully Confident, Of Course Of Course Of Course. It is a cousin of Extreme Sexy Fearlessness.
Salve. The Salve of Perspective.
As you rub this salve into your skin, your whole body begins to relax.
Things come into their right proportions. You suddenly see what is working, rather than what isn’t; what is lucky rather than what is problematic, what is right instead of what is wrong. And then, from there, even the things in the “wrong” category begin to reveal their treasure.
The big shadows turn out to be cast by small objects. Candles are lit in the corners, and you can see what is there: nothing scary after all. Cobwebs are whooshed away.
You are safe, you are held, it’s just a cut and not a gash, healing is activated — yes, love, of course it hurts and of course you can cry and this moment of pain is legitimate, and also you are okay. Another candle, and another candle. A hug and another hug. Blink. Blink. We can look at this with new eyes, with eyes that remember truth.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes by way of autocorrect, which changed “but of course!” to “but of Clyde!”. This band is called Butt of Clyde, and they are an Irish punk band. And as it turns out, they’re just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
M is a delicious letter, it just is. M for more.
I could snack on it.
So when Rally M showed up, I was more than ready for it, since it was pretty much guaranteed to be yummy. And hot.
Which it was, of course. It was a very, very special Rally, as Lucky Lola could tell you. She probably won’t since what happens at Rally (Rally!) stays at Rally, so for now you will have to trust us: it was marvelous.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
It’s the best M word. Everyone knows that.
Sometimes a hum and sometimes a moan, and everything in between.
Since there are far too many magical M words to even attempt to play with them all, I’ve chosen eight for a compass. And then I’ll thrown in some more, because mmmmmmmmmmmm, more….
So here we go. The compass of Mmmmmmmmmmm.
North: Melody.
Melodies, internal and external.
Heeding the whisper. Feeling the pull. Listening, or not-listening as the case may be, until it returns, which it always does.
Od chozer hanigun…. “the melody still returns that you tried in vain to neglect”. That lovely, haunting poem by Natan Alterman which was turned into a song by Berry Sakharof, layers and layers and layers of memories….
Melody-memories.
Melodies are like threads. And they can be happy-happy or sad-sad or happy-sad, or all at the same time, ever changing. Here’s to the melody, and its ability to change.
Northeast: Malleable.
See? Everything changes. Everything ends, and that is the nature of life: look, it is changing, right now, and so are you, and so am I, and this is okay.
There are two ways to deal with this, but only one of them works: be adaptable.
Permission to feel all the things I’m feeling about this thing that is changing and reconfiguring. Permission to not like the feelings or the change or the fact that it is changing. And baby, this is how it is. Let me adapt.
Let me adapt and let my beautiful neural pathways be wonderfully malleable, ever-changing, as I build new connections, new trails to follow. Release rigidity. Add a little sway. Malleability is a magical quality.
East: May.
It is the word of questions and the word of prayers, and the month when all the flowers are here.
May is permission, literally. May is warmth. May is doors opening.
Southeast: Marveling.
It is so very, very easy to go through life with a busy head full of stories about everything that is wrong, might go wrong, was wrong, all the he-said-she-said wheel-churning of thinky-thoughts. I do this too.
And, at the same time…
There is so much to marvel over, wonder at, delight in.
It requires pausing. Being with the red lights. Stopping is important because this is where you can see a moment, praise a moment.
Marveling can be a bliss-state and a glee-state and all the best flavors of surprise. It can be playful, childlike and it can also be slow and sexy. Marveling over skin, touch, silk, sensation. Marveling is for abject sensualists, the lovers of life.
Yoga, for me, is how I remember to marvel. It’s the time I take to get quiet enough to marvel over the floor that supports me, the breath that moves through me: hello, spine, you marvelous miracle, hello, hello, forgotten places, I breathe recognition and let the light in.
Marveling is a door into my thank-you heart. And rest is a door into marveling.
South: Miracles.
Mmmmmmmmmmm, miracles.
I have so much to say about this that I can’t actually say anything but thank you.
Come in, come in, miracles small and large. And: come in, come in, my ability to appreciate them.
Southwest: Mesmerizing.
Mesmerized by miracles and marveling. Mesmerized by beauty, color, texture, fragrance, life and aliveness.
Mmmmmmmmm.
West: Magnification.
Seeing what is there.
Seeing what was there all along, except my attention wasn’t at the right place, so I couldn’t see it. Bringing a piece of a pattern into the light. Zooming in and zooming out. Perspective. Clues revealing themselves.
Exponential growth.
Also I just like the way this word feels in my mouth.
Northwest: Movement.
Movement and also: momentum.
Movement like gazelle state, and movement like a revolution, and movement as in recognizing that everything is moving and changing all the time, because this is what it means to be a part of the dynamic flow of life.
Potential to kinetic…here we go.
Mmmmmm, other magnificent M words.
Momentum. Matriculate. Madrigal. Modular. Mayhem. Mellifluous. Muchness. Magical. Mischief. Mystical. Music. Mystery. Mission! I love going on secret missions. More. Most. Macadamia.
Mechanics, as in the mechanics of how something works, not the people, though I have known some lovely mechanics, so maybe we will include them too.
Also: Messages, secret. And missives, secret. Magnolia and mums. Merry. Macaroons. Missing you. Mirror, as in reflecting, and a wonderful verb. Magnitude. Merengue.
M is for Memory, among other things. Memory and remembering. Remembering what is true: that all these beautiful qualities are not separate from us. I can close my eyes and breathe them, remember my way back in.
May it be so! And come play with me.
Thank you, letter M.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with M, go for it. If you want to enjoy some less common M words (magniloquent! malaxate!), take a peek here….
If you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, you can.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with M, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish #253: notes and love letters
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
At the last Rally (Rally!) I was having lunch with Agent Em Dee, and we were talking about avoidance makes avoidance stronger.
How it becomes extra-scary to open the folder/file/document/email/whatever, because your monsters convince you subconsciously that there are extra iguanas that you’ve forgotten about. So you think if you open it, everything will be even more horrible than you think it will.
We were talking about how this avoidance is normal and understandable. And how great it would be to have a love note on top of the folder/document/whatever telling you the tiny not-at-all-scary next step you can take.
And then she said something like, “So I need to get in the habit of leaving a love note for myself every time I pause, transition, stop for the evening.”
YES! That way if life happens and I don’t get to it for another couple weeks, I don’t have to go through all my trepidation patterns where I do most of my work processing fear in order to look at it.
So I could do this right now. Normally I never like to look at all my ops at once, since it is completely overwhelming, but if all I’m doing is setting up a library of love letters….
God, I love that concept. A library of love letters.
What do I know so far?
I have more ops than I want. EIGHTEEN. Which is a lovely number but about ten more than I want.
Operation Slightly Sexy Waltz
Operation Gonna Gotta
Mission: An Incoming Of Agents
Operation De Twah!
Mission: Righting It Down
Operation Rally Reunion
Operation Alphabet Soup
Mission of Chickens & Wishings
Mission: the Book of Xs and Ys
Operation Cape Egrets (anagram for Secret Page)
Operation Ocean Cab Rides (dance aerobics at the Ballroom)
Mission: Entry To The Ball (everything I do for entry when it comes to dance)
Operation Writing Nook (designated time for what I want to write about)
Mission: The Joyful Voyage of the Internal Ship
Mission: The Case Ends (solving the dance shoe mysteries!)
Operation Liberation Sail: The Switchery
Operation Liberation Sail II: The Playground is Four Years Old
Operation [Crown Bridge]
What else am I noticing?
Hmmm, I am also noticing that some of these ops are making room for having fewer ops. For example, once Cape Egrets is in play, I won’t have to do ops like Slightly Sexy Waltz, because everything will just go through Cape Egrets.
Or once The Case Ends is complete, Entry To The Ball will be way easier.
So this is reassuring: I’m on a path towards fewer ops and missions. And having tiny love letters makes it less terrifying to interact with them.
What will help?
Deciding a place to keep the master list and the love letters, so I can see what needs my attention.
And using secret agent code, especially CWUs, and code for CWUs.
CWU is a Barbara Sher concept (I think I got it from Barbara?) that stands for Complete Willingness Unit. As in, only doing the teeniest-tiniest step that doesn’t make you want to throw up.
For example, I might not be willing to write a paragraph because gaaaaaah stuck, but I might be willing to open a notebook. Or I might be willing to ask a friend to sit with me.
Teeny-tiny things. I love the concept, the name doesn’t do anything for me. So I come up with other things CWU could stand for.
And then I say things like, “I have three different Californian Whimsical Undergarments!” Or: “Okay, Havi, your Congruent Westward Uniform is as follows…”
Or: Your only Corinthian Wonder of Unity for now is talking to Incoming You.
What else do I know about this?
I really like writing love letters. And I like knowing what to do next.
What do I want?
The quality of this month is Delight, and love letters are definitely a form for delight and delighting-in.
Also the Corinthian Wonders of Unity, et al are a way to play with delight.
This month brings the glorious superpower of “Or Maybe Something Even Better Will Happen”, and I would like this new practice of notes and love letters to do that. Yes, please.
I would like to delight in working on and playing with my projects, even the ones I’m avoiding. I would like to remember why they came into my life, and that they are treasure. And if it is time to let one go, may I let it go with love.
What else do I know about my wish?
It is related to last week’s wish about Provisioning: taking care of slightly-future-me, by filling her life with sweetness. It is the natural progression of all this work I have been doing on the theme of “what would happen if I were able to treasure myself?”
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. Xs and Ys. Dance. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Pleasure. Listening. Ease. Play. Freedom. Trust. Delight. Treasure.
Are you in or near Portland? Do you know people in or near Portland?
Uwe and Colleen, two of the most amazing dance teachers I know, will be teaching a two hour workshop at my ballroom on Saturday, May 31, from 2-4pm. They never do intro workshops, and this is an amazing opportunity.
It’s social waltz which does not sound like a sexy dance, but actually it is one of the best ways ever to learn partnering and connection, which is what makes you a really good dancer.
Plus, Portland has a huge social waltz community (it’s the nicest and most welcoming of any dance community I’ve ever encountered), which means that once you’ve done this, there’s something fun you could go to every night of the week and feel at home there.
If you don’t have dance experience, this is a great way to learn. And if you do, this will make you a way better dancer at all dances. And if you are interested in teaching (dance or anything else), come just to watch how they magically make this practice accessible. They are probably the best explainers I’ve ever met.
Please help me spread the word! I want as many people as possible to benefit from their teaching, and filling the ballroom with dance is my big dream.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. What if Hawaii is not in Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Going In. And: More recovery.
Clues?
Inverting the colors.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Provisioning…
I was not expecting that shifting my focus to being able to treasure myself would lead to ending a pain-filled relationship, but it did. I didn’t know that would happen, and yet I put FREEDOM in the compass, at the anchor point (south), and so I got what I wanted even though I would have thought it was not what I wanted. I don’t know if that makes sense.
The point is, I am better able to treasure myself now than I was a week ago, and part of that means I can’t be around patterns/behavior that I was able to excuse away in the past. So it’s hard and it’s good.
I was also able to set up Operation Detwah and Operation Crown Bridge II, and even invested in some supplies that will help me-of-two-weeks-from-now have an easier time of things. Fewer monster discussions required for provisioning, that’s big progress too. I am happy with last week’s wish, and with these new paths, even the hard ones. I am trusting that all of this is right, both for me and for everyone involved, and I will continue to glow love inward and outward and in all directions.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox