What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish #249: Bubbles and bubbling
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
My wish was going to be about taking down the castle, which is kind of a proxy/metaphor and kind of not.
Except thinking about it was scaring me so much that I am going to wish about bubbles and bubbling instead, and pretend they are related.
So now they are. If not in any other way, then because I just connected them. Though in my experience, searching for the connections between seemingly unrelated things invariably leads to useful information.
That’s one of the things we do at Rally all the time.
What do I know about bubbles and bubbling?
Bubbles and bubbling change the mood. They help with recovery and with transitions.
Blowing bubbles makes everything lighter. You can’t stay in a bad mood while blowing bubbles, I have tried.
This might also be true for bubbles in bubble baths.
And bubbles are like bubbling over with joy, which is how I feel when I dance.
Bubbling is Effervescence, the salve and superpower of the month of April on the Fluent Self calendar of Salves. Effervescence means, to me: everything gets lighter, in both senses of that word.
More lightness. More light.
The same thing that happens when I view the bells / when I am a bell.
What do I know about how this might be related to taking down the castle?
Oh! One thing I learned last week at Rally (Rally!) is that taking down the castle can be joyful, even though in my mind I have all these rules about how it has to be painful and mournful.
I can dance the castle down. I can dance the new castle in. Or maybe there isn’t a new castle, and then I dance in whatever it is that will fill the space where it was.
I can ring the bells until the castle self-destructs (deconstructs!), and the new configuration is revealed. I can ring the castle out and I can ring the new thing in.
And I can do this with bubbles. I can blow bubbles until my feelings about the castle and everything that happened in it (and didn’t happen in it) begin to move, release, transform, evaporate.
What else do I know?
Okay, so until yesterday I pretty much thought that the quality of Effervescence was not something I really know how to do.
I am not a bubbly person. I am an introverted person. I run away from the party and hide in bed.
In fact, when I put that salve in the calendar, it was the only salve I felt conflicted about. But I knew it had to be there so I trusted that.
Then it was supposed to go in March, and I had the strongest feeling it had to be in April, so I asked Richard to switch it out.
Anyway, yesterday morning I suddenly had the experience of knowing what it was like to feel bubbly.
Feeling bubbly. The sensation of bubbles.
It started the night before. I went to the Johnny Boyd show at Secret Society, and it was absolutely amazing. I woke up in the best mood in the entire world, and then went to a two hour Lindy Hop workshop and was in an even better mood, even though, according to my monsters, basically everything in my life is a disaster right now.
That show at Secret Society, and dancing the night away, was like mainlining Bubbliness.
It felt like…you know those movies in the 40s where a band is playing and everyone is dancing and having a blast? It was like, I am in that movie and it is real!
There was also another effervescent element at play: delight in fluency.
It was a vintage swing event but they played a waltz (I can waltz!) and some blues (I can do blues!), and during the swing dancing, people transitioned between six count east coast swing, lindy hop, charleston and collegiate shag: I can do all these things!
There were lovely people to dance with, the whole experience was playful, fun and exciting. All my studying has paid off, because I could PLAY. And I found myself bubbling over to Agent Em Dee about how bubbly I feel, even though I never feel bubbly…
What do I want?
I want this sensation of bubbling to become more familiar. Come visit, bubbles!
I want bubbling to resolve/dissolve the things that are troubling me. Or lighten my relationship with them.
And I want the castle to take itself down through the act of bubbling. Through me experiencing bubbling, reconnecting to effervescence.
I want beautiful things to be revealed through the bubbles dispersing.
As the bubbles pop, illusions pop. And roses grow.
Any other intel?
It has not escaped my attention that the theme Castles In The Air might be relevant here, but I can’t tell if that’s monsters or not.
So I am going to try to rewrite my associations with this phrase.
And I am going to ask Richard to make an art out of the castle in my yoga space. We already took down the castle in the Ballroom and turned it into a rose….
Where do I want to start?
This week is going to be impossibly busy with Operation Bell View. And Pesach. Packing for Seattle.
So I am setting a clear intention that everything I do — including agonizing over whether to pack a bathing suit — is somehow helping with the mission of bubbles and bubbling, and therefore also with taking down the castle.
And Danielle and I are going to get a manicure together, because Operation Bell View involves four straight days of holding hands with strangers in dance workshops. And having crimson fingernails is going to help with the feeling of bubbling, because I have decided that it will.
I hope for some writing-and-righting, maybe on the bus, maybe some stone skipping.
And while I’m seeding wishes, I want beautiful dances. Ease and grace. To be wonderfully surprised. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Connection. Anchoring. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Pack the bags. Exit Egypt. Pack more bags. Go to Seattle. Maybe do some dreaming about Operation Sea Plane Sky Dances…..
Clues?
Here is my clue: What if it isn’t a staple?
I needed to get black slacks for Operation Bell View, and the monster crew had a giant monster tantrum party about this. From every possible angle. Like, How Can You Buy More Things When This Op Is Already Absurdly Expensive And Why Are You Ruining Your Life.
Surprisingly though, the thing my monsters were most up in arms about was: Ohmygod How Do You Not Own Black Slacks They Are A Staple And Everyone Knows This Come On You Are Nearly Forty And You Don’t Even Have Black Slacks You Are A Complete Failure At Being A Functioning Grown Up.
Then I talked to Agent Marisa and Agent Max, the two women in my life who are always gorgeously dressed and well put-together, and they care about nice clothing and know all this girl stuff that I don’t. I talked to them so they would tell me where to get black slacks. And it turns out that neither of them owns black slacks!
So there. These are two people who are FOR SURE functional adults. Which means: maybe it’s not a staple.
So what other things do I put in the category of “everyone has/does/wants X and I don’t but I think I should”? What if it’s not a staple?!
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka I am a wish translator…
Last week’s wish was really useful for me, actually the whole process of wish-translation is useful. And fascinating. Especially given that right after I published my translations, I realized that I had not in fact translated them at all, that all my wishes were actually about Perceiving That There Is Enough.
That was what I was really wishing for, and I hadn’t even noticed. So it is sweet and funny that there are layers and layers of translation. Of course there are.
And my business cards are taken care of.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #298: seeing the opening
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Two minutes on the floor.
My favorite thing in the world (and also the thing I resist doing the most) is getting down on the floor and closing my eyes for ten minutes. It makes everything better.
However, when I am stressed out and overwhelmed, the monster crew won’t listen to all the evidence collected by my internal scientists on the efficacy of Ten Minutes On The Floor.
Luckily it turns out that they have considerably less resistance to two minutes, which still has a remarkably calming and grounding effect. At the end of the two minutes I might decide to take a few more, or I might go back to what I was doing. Either way, my head got quieter and my body relaxed.
Next time I might…
Remember that it is impossible to Do All The Things.
I did a lot of blaming this week about all the things that weren’t getting done.
Since there is absolutely no way to do them all — if I were a football (soccer) player I couldn’t score fifty goals in a match, that’s a completely absurd expectation — I want to remember this. And I want to run around in a circle waving my arms and smiling my face off when I make one goal, because I just did a thing that was challenging as hell, and I did it relatively gracefully, so I am going to take pleasure in that.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I didn’t dance for a whole week. A combination of giant identity crisis combined with my favorite dance shoes being at the cobbler combined with tired. Mostly identity stuff though. It’s that thing where you care about something so much that you can’t bear to do it. A breath for trusting the process.
- Scary altercation on the bus triggered PTSD and took me out of commission for a day. And then work stuff meant not as much sitting in the sun as I was hoping for. A breath for readjusting.
- Timing. It is what it is, etc etc. A breath for comfort.
- Same as last week, with a new flavor: Missing, missing, missing. A breath for being with the void.
- Operation Bell View is so much work. A million tiny details. A breath for releasing worry.
- Day 2 of Rally is always just so completely Day 2. There is something about The Middle that begs for falling apart. Combine Day 2 with extreme pms, and add a gigantic scary project. Total meltdown. A breath for trust.
- Big identity stuff, not just about dance. Taking down the castle is even harder than I was afraid of. Plus: how can one person have so many projects? And I still haven’t cleaned for passover. And I cut my finger! A breath for patience and moving through the hard.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I solved a dance challenge! All by myself! As in, I was able to correctly identify what wasn’t working in a particular move, and what I could do to fix this. This is a really big deal. A breath for a door opening and for my delight at crossing through.
- After taking a week off from dancing, I was feeling a little apprehensive about returning Wednesday night. It was the most delight-filled night of dancing ever. A breath for pleasure, and for pleasantly surprised.
- The theme of “an unexpected reprieve”, in many forms. Including an extra dance, and then an extra dance. A breath for joy.
- As we always say: Everything that happens at Rally is part of Rally. (Rally!) Big insights, big decisions, all the right things emerging from the tumult. And my meltdown yielded a very good idea. A breath for possibility.
- Nothing is wrong. A breath for remembering this.
- Realizing that all these things falling apart IS taking down the castle, which is what I want. A breath for finding the good.
- Skipping stones in the park. A breath for useful intel.
- The blue dress fits perfectly. The cobbler did magic to two pairs of my shoes. Playing a game of Three Words and Four Words with T.J. Lunch with E.J. Yes, there is an E.J. and a T.J. (actually two different T.J.s) in my life, it is confusing. A walk in Director’s Park. Agent Rosie. Distance-nidra with the Spy. Support. Love. Warmth. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I made ridiculous progress on Operation Bell View. Operation KLM is in prep mode. Operation Sea Sky Dance Play is kind of scary, but I think it can happen. And some more progress on the Mission of Xs and Ys. WHAM BOOM.
This week I will transition from preparing Operation Bell View to being on it and in it.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of finding lots of ways to take down a castle, which is also the superpower of being aware of more options.
Superpowers I want.
I am going to keep asking for extreme sexy fearlessness. And I would like the power of This Door Opens For Me.
Salve. The Salve of More Options.
My father says that if you think you are stuck between two options, you are wrong. There is always another one.
It’s kind of like the video game. Sometimes you have to make an opening, but a lot of times it’s just a matter of seeing the opening.
When you use this salve, your whole skin breathes it in. In fact, you can feel the process of your skin breathing, almost as if you have gills. Like you can take in sustenance more easily because all of you can take in sustenance.
The door that wasn’t visible before suddenly is right there in front of you. The third way shows up.
This salve smells very faintly of sandalwood and it feels like talking to the ocean.
New possibilities come to light, and they are beautiful.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from T.J. and it is called It’s Like The French Foreign Legion. Their latest album is called Untoward Suggestions. They are direct and brassy (in all senses of that word), and actually it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish #248: I am a wish-translator!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
My wish has to do with translating wishes.
I have a lot of wishes right now. Some weeks I have no idea what I want, this week I have lots of intel about lots of wants.
The translating is important because I’ve noticed something about this wishing ritual of ours here.
It is so easy to identify a need, and then immediately go whooshing into what we think the solution is, and make that the wish.
Yes? So I become aware of Problem X or Challenge X or Mission X. My mind instantly leaps to Thing Y as a possible or likely solution, and then I ask for Y, when Y might not be what is needed or even wanted. Certainly Y is not the only solution.
What I want is to meet Question X, without assuming that I know what Answer Y is.
What am I noticing?
Hmm. I do this a lot.
It makes sense. We live in a solution-oriented world. We barely give time for wishes to land before poking holes in them. We forget to say, “Oh wow, what a beautiful wish!”.
I want to spend more time in wish-translation mode. To make sure I haven’t done any accidental conclusion-jumping. Respecting each desire, and staying true to the qualities while still asking questions:
“Is this really what I want? What about it appeals to me? What need does this fill? Are there other ways to fill it?”
So for example, if I want to know about the history of horseback riding, I might think that my wish is to find the best book on the topic, but really my wish could possibly be fulfilled by a person, a website, a documentary, a museum…
What do I want?
This week is Rally (Rally!), and at Rally we always invent a crazy story about why we came to Rally. And then we use it as a proxy and a cover story.
Mine is that I’m a wish translator. Actually it is more complicated than that:
“I”m a wish translator, and I’m here to take down the castle.”
Taking down the castle is one of the wishes I want to translate and unpack…
So maybe this week, instead of processing a wish, I’m just going to practice some translating…
Wish: A portable charger for my phone.
Is this really what I want? What is this a solution for?
Ah, I see. What I want is to not run out of battery charge while I’m writing in the park. (Another wish: more writing time in the park! Less computer-ing!)
This is especially important now that I am spending so much more time on the move because of dance.
What I want is freedom, ease of planning, back-up.
I don’t know yet what else would be the answer, and I can also stay receptive to possibilities. You are welcome to make suggestions for phone charging options, lovely person who is reading this.
Translation of the wish: I want to joyfully set out on a possibly-full day, knowing I don’t have to worry about losing charge on my phone.
Wish: New business cards.
Is this what I want? Yes and no. I meet a lot of people who are interested in the Ballroom.
A lot of times it is hard to tell though if someone is interested in the ballroom (in which case: yay, here is all my contact information!), or if they are interested in the ballroom but also in flirting (hmmm, here is limited contact information…).
So my wish isn’t so much about the cards as it is deciding what they say. And the wish itself is for access and availability, while maintaining a sense of distance and safety. Useful intel.
Wish: Early packing.
I leave in a little over a week for Seattle Easter Swing, a big west coast swing dance convention. I am VERY excited, and more than a little terrified, for a variety of reasons.
I know there are all kinds of things I will need last minute, so I would like to pack ridiculously early. As in, a week before instead of an hour before. Note that this is different than say, a day before instead of an hour before.
What is this about? Reassurance. Calm. Knowing what I will need to be comfortable in a new and potentially stressful environment. During passover. Is there another way I can achieve/receive this? Maybe…
Wish: I need a ride!
I am arriving in Seattle on Thursday the 17th around 4pm, and I need to get to the conference hotel in Bellevue.
I researched the how of this, and there is a direct and inexpensive bus. However, I would also need to navigate a cab ride to the bus station, and much lugging around of suitcases (one for dance clothes and back-up dance shoes, one for things that can be eaten on pesach), and then a 40 minute bus ride after just having been on a bus for the previous three and a half hours, and then more lugging of suitcases. A schlep.
I want a ride! Or: I want to be magically transferred. Something easier.
Here is a penny in the fountain hoping that someone I know in Seattle or a blog reader or a Rally grad would be able to drive me. I am a very boring passenger because I don’t talk, but I am very calm and pleasant to be around, and I will throw in a present from the shop as an additional thank you.
Is there another way? Maybe. Ask as many PDX dancers as possible what their plan is….
Where do I want to start?
Interviewing Incoming me. Skipping as many stones as possible. More time riting for The Book of Xs and Ys. Beautiful dances. To be wonderfully surprised. I trust that people I want to spend time with will say what they think/want, and I do too. Surprising ease. A tiny pen. Dressed to dance. Eight breaths. Mmmmmmmm the Ms. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Connection. Anchoring. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
Thank you in advance…
This is the part where I greet each of my wishes:
Oh wow, what a beautiful wish.
Spaciousness and welcoming for the wishes. And some effervescence. The salve (and quality) of the month, with the superpowers of bubbles and bubbling.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Last prep for Operation Bell View. First steps on Operation Take Down The Castle. Writing in the park.
Clues?
San Diego. It just keeps coming up.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka a home for wishes…
Last week’s wish made me think a lot more about my wishes, and my relationship with my wishes.
I noticed how much I crave light-heartedness in addition to safety when it comes to wishing. In fact, sometimes for me the safety comes from the light-heartedness, knowing that I don’t have to figure out how the wish needs to happen, just rejoicing in the fact that I let myself wish it. I am being a better friend to my wishes.
Also had an idea about workshops at the ballroom, which I will run by Richard. I did a ton of writing for the Book of Xs and Ys. And the graceful transition I asked for showed up in an entirely different form than what I was imagining, but I’m happy that it is here, even though I cried a lot while it was happening. It definitely was graceful though…
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #297: right on time
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Doing the opposite, still, more, again.
Same as last week, just more of it. Noticing when I’m going into habitual behavior, and playing Choose Away. Or: Do The Opposite Thing.
It is getting easier for me to come up with what the opposite thing might be, so that is reassuring.
Also: asking for superpowers. This helped.
Next time I might…
Take a day in.
It’s like a day off, but for turning inward. I would call it an emotional health day, except I hate the way that sounds, like I’m in crisis.
The day I want isn’t for crisis, it is to avoid the need for crisis by taking care of myself before I think I need to.
A sign that I need one of these: too much people time, too much decision making, not enough sleep. This week all of these happened, and I tried to Push Through and get all the work done, and if I get a do-over (superpower of Endless Do-Overs!), I’m taking a day in.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The strap on my dance shoe broke! On the dance floor. In the middle of a song. With hours of dancing left that night. A breath for disappointment and the perception of [missing out], a big theme for sad, scared Havi-from-then.
- A thing I was hoping would be very fun turned out to be monster-triggery. A breath for running into a glitch and readjusting.
- Last week I wrote: Sometimes you want a thing and you can’t have it — or at least not right now, and maybe not having it is good for you and you still desire it. A breath of comfort and letting that moment of wanting be what it is. Hahaha, this still applies, but more so.
- Missing, missing, missing. Sad heart. A breath for sitting with the void.
- Things are taking their own timing, and I am impatient. A breath for comfort, for remembering that Nothing Is Wrong.
- In the cab, the song playing was Love Isn’t Always On Time. I know. I mean, it is on time, because All Timing Is Right Timing, but this is hard to remember. Also: on time. Dance pun. Anyway. A breath of trust, and for trust.
- Old uncomfortable patterns. A breath for patience and slow healing.
- I would like way more sleep than I got this week. A breath for rest.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I fixed a thing on the computer! By myself! Normally I look it up, get overwhelmed by the horrible world of forum posts and infighting, give up, ask Richard to figure it out. I did it! A breath for ease.
- Dance and movement. Waltz brunch. Swing and foxtrot lesson. Lindy hop. West coast swing. Dance aerobics. Gazelle state. A breath for pleasure.
- While I didn’t get the response I thought I wanted, I got the response I needed. A breath for all timing is right timing, and for knowing that Nothing Is Wrong.
- Practice and more practice. Distance meditations with the Spy. Yoga nidra at Rally. Taking eight breaths. Taking it to the floor. Even the thing that was hardest about this week was easier than it could have been, and I know this is why. A breath for breath changing everything.
- Thursday night. A breath for the most delicious surprise.
- Skipping stones at Rally (Rally!), and writing as much as I want. Since I always have the perception that I don’t get to write as much as I want, this was delightful. It was Rally L, and my name was Elle and I was riding the El. A breath for asking the right questions.
- Held my first dance practicum at the Ballroom. A breath for play!
- So many good things. Found the bracelet I was dreaming about. Postcards. Lunch with Julie. Lunch with Anil. Didn’t re-injure my ankle when my dance shoe broke. Sunshine. Black pepper cashews. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I set up the Pop Up Practicum at the Ballroom. Operation Bell View is pretty much all set up and in place. Last week I said I had put Operation Houston It Is The Vicar on the back burner, and something about saying that immediately got me to work on it, which I did until I reached the point of Okay A Wall. Wanted to work on the Mission of Xs and Ys, and: huge progress. WHAM BOOM. WHAM BOOM.
This week is for the final touches for Operation Bell View, and for Operation Loose Ends, which needs a new name.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Remembering That Nothing Is Wrong and the superpower of Changing the Pattern.
Superpowers I want.
More sexy fearlessness please.
Salve. The Salve of Nothing Is Wrong.
This salve is the most magical, to me, because it rewrites all the internal stuff and the external cultural stuff together.
I think rubbing it in will take effort because it is so thick and rich, but then it vanishes into my skin, and my entire body just breathes differently. Softens and releases.
I remember that I am not late. I am not behind. This is the exact right moment for me to be arriving at dance class, ten minutes into it. Rescheduling my appointment with M was perfect. Not cleaning the bath: well done, me who didn’t have time for it.
This one is a tricky one, because it goes against such deep conditioning. Thinking about this concept kind of breaks my brain — I know for sure that some things are very wrong! Luckily this salve works in such a way that it eases this as well. It breathes permission: I am allowed to think that past things were wrong, that wrongs in the world are wrong, and of course bigotry is always wrong and abuse is always wrong, and I don’t have to say yes to everything, and nothing is wrong with that too.
Nothing Is Wrong is about love, permission and safety. I don’t have to be able to understand how it works or how it might be true. I just put on the salve and remember: I am not late, I am not behind, I am not making bad choices. I put on the salve and return to conscious, peaceful, loving awareness: What do I want? How do I want to feel? What will help?
This salve goes beautifully with last-week’s salve of self-forgiveness, they are related.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Cobblestoned and Blabbergasted, they play children’s music but it’s disco! Also it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Wish #247: a home for wishes
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
To say thank you in advance.
To say thank you with my thank-you heart, and not just to say thank you after the fact but to say thank you in advance.
And also to say: thank-you-in-advance.
What am I noticing?
This is a thing that Jane says, and I love it. Thank-you-in-advance for this beautiful experience. Thank-you-in-advance for my ability to be present and find the beauty in it.
I am noticing that this wish is related to my secret wish for Rally: to allow all seemingly contradictory things to exist and dissolve simultaneously. As in, I’m okay with the contradiction and also I know there is no contradiction.
It is also related to a wish that has to do with the qualities of Grace and Equanimity.
And my wish to have lots and lots of writing time this week, because words are just spilling out and I need time to be with that.
What do I want?
I want to meet all wishes with this sensation of thank-you-in-advance.
Thank you for the good that will be revealed. For my ability to meet whatever comes up and greet it, as the Spy says, with love and curiosity.
I want to be able to say to each wish: “Wow, what a beautiful wish!”
And to do that no matter how preposterous the wish seems in that moment.
I may not choose to act on the wish. I may just let it live in the world of wishing. But to rejoice in it. To admire it. And to say “Thank you in advance for whatever comes from this moment of allowing myself to experience this desire. Thank you in advance for the qualities of the wish, now I have a chance to remember them, breathe them, reconnect to them.”
What am I noticing?
Oh, a pricking of sadness in my heart.
I had a dear friend who was the biggest rejoicer-over of my wishes ever, she was my champion, the person who always believed in my wishes. I could whisper to her about things I would never tell anyone.
I could say absolutely anything: I WANT TO LIVE ON THE MOON!
And she would say the just-right thing, welcoming and loving. “Oh, isn’t that a beautiful, radiant wish? I can feel the qualities of moon coming out to greet this wish: Peacefulness. Drawing In. Quiet. Innocence. Trust. This is the perfect wish for you.”
Or she might ask questions too: “Tell me more about what this moon life wish feels like? What is the essence? What does it give you?”
Whenever I told her about my wishes, I ended up learning so much about what I really wanted, sparking ideas about how to get closer to it, revealing strengths that were already in me. I could suddenly see what aspects of [living on the moon] were important…
The last time we talked though she had recently gone through a transformation of sorts, gotten very into business-growing and Practical Realities, and I told her a wish and she said, “Well, that’s not very realistic, is it? Why don’t we focus on more practical solutions.”
I am noticing my sadness about my perception of my friend becoming so unlike herself that I don’t know how to reconnect to her.
What do I want?
I want to be a good friend to my wishes.
I want to be a good friend to wishing-me.
Not to shut things down. Not to figure out why they can’t work.
Just to receive the wish and let it be beautiful. Let it grow. Be curious about it. Not to act. This is important.
What am I noticing?
Not acting on a wish goes in two directions.
This means not trying to tear it down, and it also means not instantly trying to see how it could happen.
It means giving spaciousness to my wish. Spaciousness and welcoming.
And a home, so it doesn’t get forgotten. A home that is spacious and welcoming.
I am not sure yet what that home will look like, so this is also part of my wish: a home for wishes.
For now, this weekly ritual will be the home. Safe space. Maybe I will also make another tray…
An example of spaciousness and welcoming for wishes.
Last Wednesday I was at a dance, and a number of people ask if I sign, and I don’t.
I know a handful of signs (I can ask you to dance!), but not enough to have a conversation. I have seriously conflicted feelings about this. I want to learn, and I have Stuff.
Anyway, I had the thought that a fun way for me to ease my way into learning might be a beginner’s workshop, which we could host at my Ballroom or the Playground.
Spaciousness for this wish means, first, that I welcome the wish:
Oh wow, what a beautiful wish.
I notice how my monster crew wants to come up with all the reasons this wish is stupid, and I don’t agree to it. They can share their input later. Right now is for letting the wish breathe and be a tiny sweet thing.
I notice how I want to start problem-solving and trouble-shooting: does Amy know someone who could set this up? Is two hours the right amount of time? We can’t do it on a Sunday because blah, this other thing is happening…
Spaciousness and welcoming means I don’t try to fix. I don’t try to tear down but I also don’t try to build up. I wait, and I say: oh wow, what a beautiful wish.
I allow the qualities to reveal themselves. I wait to feel into the strengths I already have.
Spaciousness and welcoming. Strength and Effervescence.
This is the last day of March. On the calendar of Salves, this is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have. I want to take this quality with me as I flip the calendar and reveal Effervescence….
Spaciousness and welcoming require my strength, and they also feel airy and bubbling, light and ease-filled.
This feels good. Thank you, past me for knowing what was right. And thank you in advance for everything that will come from this. Thank you in advance for a beautiful month of wishes bubbling into being. Thank you in advance for ease-filled transitions.
Where do I want to start?
Next steps for Operation Bell View. More time writing for The Book of Xs and Ys. Beautiful dances. To be wonderfully surprised. I trust that people I want to spend time with will say what they think/want, and I do too. Equanimity. Pleasure. Graceful transitions. Eight breaths. Loving the L words. Skipping stones. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
My compass for these wishes:
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Grace. Steadiness. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s op: Next steps on Operation Bell View. Writing as much as I want!
Clues?
A hand-signal that secretly means: “Perhaps we should run off together to the Caribbean…”
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka some thoughts on the nature of wishing…
Wow. Sometimes reading through what I wrote the previous week is just uncanny.
I wanted safety for my wishes, and something shifted there. I wanted a new Jens, and two excellent candidates showed up out of nowhere! I wanted to talk to someone to get advice on Operation Bell View, and Melena can answer all my questions. The bit about unconditional forgiveness of past-me set into motion some big healing, and I now have my material for the Book of Xs and Ys. Also I finished Operation Pop It Up. Yay.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox