What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish #229: not obsessed exactly
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
My wish this week has to do with obsessing, except that isn’t quite the right word.
Let me see if I can describe this…
It has to do with the feelings that show up while I am wildly throwing myself into something I am passionate about.
The tingly excitement, the thrill of the challenge, the seeming impossibility of it all, the world to explore, the disorienting but somehow pleasurable brain sensation of everything-is-rearranging.
What does this remind me of?
When I was teaching myself German ten years ago, while living in Tel Aviv. Which does not sound like a great place to learn German, but actually it was. Though I think I could have learned German anywhere, that’s how intense my [obsession-like word] was.
It took over my entire life in this way that was intensely, deeply pleasurable for me.
Actually, all the examples I can think of for this [obsession, but in a good way] have to do with learning something or acquiring a new skill.
What do I want?
Okay, well I think I want a new word for “obsession”.
Checking the thesaurus. I don’t like any of the dangerous, scary words. I like besotted though.
That kind of explains how I get. I fall madly in love with the new thing, and just pour myself into the experience of being involved with it.
I haven’t had this kind of love-affair-with-learning in a long time, and I miss it.
And now it is starting to happen with dance, and a little bit with ASL, and I just want to immerse myself in delicious learning, in this way that is luscious, wild and yes, kind of obsessive.
What do I want?
Haha. This has to do with last week’s wish, about time.
Besotted-hungry-immersion learning, like being in love, is not something you schedule to happen on Mondays and Wednesdays for two hours.
It is not something that cares about the rest of your life.
While I was learning German, I was working two jobs. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have time for German. German didn’t care about that.
I would wake up early and write ten words on a slip of paper and put it in my pocket. And every moment I could I would peek at my sheet.
I’d build sentences in the shower, read my dog-eared copy of Brigitte on the bus, conjugate in my sleep. I didn’t have money for classes, and it didn’t matter. I learned German with a library card and a hell of a lot of determination.
So has to do with time, and also it has nothing to do with time.
What do I want?
Jon, the person who understands this obsession the best, told me that he spent thirty hours a week dancing when he first got the bug.
I have this story that I tell myself about how this is impossible. I run this business. I am the proprietress of a ballroom, which is a ridiculous amount of work right now. I have Rally. I have the Floop, my online community that I run.
Not to mention the related monster stories of Come Now You Are No Spring Chicken, and how practically-thirty-seven-which-is-practically-forty is no time to launch yourself into an intense physical training like this, what are you thinking.
Yes, there are some monsters in here. And they, like all monsters, want to make sure I don’t fall on my face, wear myself out, or subject myself to pain, loss, humiliation and doom.
I want thirty hours.
But really, I want the feeling of thirty hours. The hum-hum-hum of wanting. The secret tap-tap of feet. The rhythm in my head, the music waiting for me.
I want to give myself permission to throw myself into this, and see where it leads me.
Where it leads me. Dancer joke!
If I can swing it. The puns. They do not end.
What would help?
A schedule. I already have a document called Let’s Go Dancing, which sets out what is happening where.
But I think it needs to be expanded.
And then I need to peek in the morning and figure out when I get to have yoga, and when I might be able to dance, and how long it will take me to get there, and how I’m going to practice if I’m doing it on my own.
And I need a name for this mission.
And I need to remember the fractal flowers, so that I can trust that dance is helping me work…
What are the qualities of my wish?
The qualities of:
Permission. Playfulness. Readiness. Joy. Desire. Passion. Receptivity. Immersion.
What do I know about the op?
It requires planning and commitment, and it also does not at all require planning or commitment.
Planning, because otherwise it will get lost. And no planning, because infatuation doesn’t work like that.
A commitment to turning it up to eleven. And no commitment, because sometimes it’s pretty hard to forget that you are obsessively passionate about this thing that keeps sneaking into your thoughts and dreams.
What else?
It takes over my life because I let it. Because I welcome this.
And then everything in my life is better because of it.
I am calling this Operation PINK PANT for now. Partly because it reminds me of the pink panther, partly because I will wear pink pants, partly because pink and pant are very fun words.
Does this stand for anything?
{Pleasure Intuition Newness Keys Plenty Access Nuance Treasure}
How am I going to play with this?
I am going to wear pink, for one thing.
And I am going to dance. With abandon!
And I will interview Dancer Me about what needs to happen next. I have a feeling she’s been waiting for this. Waiting for me to admit that I’m in love, that I’m kind of obsessed, that I can’t not do this anymore.
Anything else?
This, like all my recent wishes, is perfect for a spy.
Bond Girl is obviously a highly accomplished dancer.
And since dance is not just dance but also a metaphor, I can learn about things I need to learn about in my non-dance life.
I am going to apply dance. Core. Grace. Receptivity. Presence. Mirroring. Musicality. Timing. Trust. Things like that.
And I’m going to let myself approach things with wild, unbridled readiness. I’m going to remember that there is a me who knows how to do this. There is even a me who knows why I need this so much, and maybe she will tell me.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- The Salve of Salves.
- Announcements.
- Everything is getting easier.
- Miracles everywhere.
- Regular dancing gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
- There is money for this.
- I can see why this moment is good.
- Trust and steadiness.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
Operation G Presto and the Book of Salves. Or really, I will see what comes up at Rally (Rally!)
I’m playing with…
DANCING.
And permission. And love.
Attenzione! AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at Gracefully Accepting Thanks. Or: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.
This mission also resolves a question we get from people a lot, which is “I really, really want to thank you, except I’m not going to buy products and I can’t come to a Rally.” And it is also related to Operation Coming Out Of All The Closets, so I can share some experiences from Then where past-me thought her best survival strategy was not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to support my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Secret Window Time…
I wanted to turn the two hours where nothing gets done into the two hours where I do things that are pleasurable and appealing to me.
I am so in love with this wish, it might be my favorite wish ever. Secret Window Time!
Because last week was Rally (Rally!), I didn’t get to test it thoroughly. However, I was very aware of this wish all week, and I could feel it while I was making choices.
I also noticed that I spent less time doing things on my phone, and that felt good.
And! I got to do lots of the things I suspected I might do if Secret Window Time existed. So that’s a win right there.
Also I took care of the Bork Updates, which really needed to happen.
The smartest thing I seeded last week was “I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.”
This absolutely happened, and I am so over-the-top happy about this that I am keeping it in the rotation.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Keep me company?
You are welcome to drop in with wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large, and in any form you like. There is no right way to do this. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We ask for what we need. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #278: Pleasure Is My Discipline
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked?
All kinds of things.
Including making a list on my phone of Things That Are Currently Working (For Me).
Like leg warmers. They work so well. And work so hard.
They are extremely pink and they alert traffic to not run me over. They were just ridiculously cheap because I got them through a fellow dancer. They keep my legs way warmer than my stripey socks but don’t get worn out on my wooden floor because they stop at my ankles. And since Rally D is “D is for Dance”, I wore them all Rally! MILEAGE.
Other things that are working, other than the list itself:
Flannel sheets. Ginger tea. And the Internet. That was how I got red wine stains and salad dressing stains out of clothing this week. Yes, it was that kind of week.
Next time I might…
Check assumptions, and then check them again.
No matter how many times I keep learning this one, I have not learned it yet. Also, assumptions can be so hard to notice.
I want to: notice when I’m making an assumption, check in with the other person, and figure out our expectations together, with love.
A troublesome assumption I made this week was mentally defining the scope of a “late lunch” as “probably about 90 minutes”. And then not setting up a clear end time. It turned into a four hour thing, twice as much time as highly-sensitive-me is able to handle, and I couldn’t leave because we were way on the other side of town.
Seeding some pre-emptive buffer sentences to help with next time. Por exemplo: “How long do you anticipate this going?”, and “So you know, here’s the amount of time I can manage.”
New experiment: only going out in my quadrant of the city. That way I can easily run away if necessary.
A wise thing a dance teacher said this week.
Applicable to everything, so substitute life for “dance”….
“There are no mistakes in this dance…
Only new moves that you just invented.”
I invented so many new moves this week.
Thanks, Cameron.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The Ballroom is at that exact place where we’re busy enough to need outside help, not busy enough to afford it. On Thursday we had three different events (yay!). Right now this means we have to supervise and clean up, and not do the things that bring in money. A breath for navigating growth, in various forms.
- Do you ever wish you could make everything better for someone just by hugging them? A breath for sometimes-you-can’t. Remembering that the Making Things Better is not my job, loving them is my job.
- Scary encounter with a dog who very much wanted to bite me. A breath for adrenaline.
- Things changing through breaking down. A breath for how hard this is.
- Oh man. I got really, really angry at someone this week. Some macho mansplaining guy at my dance class got on my nerves so hard. I haven’t felt this way since going silent. A breath for how much I wanted to punch him.
- The lunch date that had no end. A breath for the perception of trapped.
- All the hard things. See also: Doing all the hard things. A breath for safety and for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I hilariously thought I could give myself a messy, sexy, layered rocker-me haircut, with a pair of nail scissors and a spare fifteen minutes. Amazingly, it turned out to be pretty much exactly what I wanted. And then Marisa cleaned it up for me and I have never been happier about how I look. A breath for play, pleasure and happy surprises. And for bravery.
- During the lunch date that had no end, I took myself on a walk around the block and visited a sweet little tea shop. This is a better strategy than faking an asthma attack or hiding in the bathroom, though I was very close to doing both. A breath for getting better at taking care of myself.
- I was successful in getting the jerk in my dance class that I was partnered with to shut up, using universally understood signs for this, without using a particular universal sign that involves the third finger. A breath for standing up for myself, and for creative communication.
- Dancing really and truly makes everything better for me.
- I wore outrageous outfits. A breath for play and pleasure.
- SO MUCH DANCING! I was talking to Nick about this, and he said: “Wow. That’s discipline.” Me: “Well, actually it’s pleasure. Hedonism, really.” Nick: “Focus is focus.” Me: “Then I guess pleasure is my discipline.” A breath for a truly beautiful sentence that has at least two wonderful meanings.
- It was Rally (Rally!) this week, and all kinds of incredible things happened at Rally, and are still happening. A breath for sweet surprises, and for having company while doing brave and scary things.
- I did so many brave and scary things this week! A breath for trust and for practicing.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Phase I of Operation G Presto is complete! Wham-boom.
I started posting at the Floop about Operation Resilience. Wham-boom.
Operation Coastpards is done. Wham-boom.
And many other missions were started. Feeling good about this.
There are lovely things happening at my Red Rose Ballroom, and I am wishing for many more to come.
WHAM! BOOM!
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The superpower of believing that the color crimson will make everything better.
The superpower of remembering not to fight with Incoming Me, and to let her lead. Also remembering that following is not passive, it’s active.
And I asked for the superpower of Setbacks Are Helping Me, and that night something happened that looked a lot like a massive setback, and I immediately asked: How is this helping me?
And it did help me!
Also, I am the PROPRIETRESS of a ballroom, and that is its own superpower.
Superpowers I want.
Total faith in the rightness of what is happening.
Breathing loving-kindness. Delight in asking.
Salve.
The salve of Support Is There For Me.
Sometimes I forget this, and that’s when I need this salve. It smooths and softens. My skin begins to remember: I am cared for, there is support even when I can’t see it.
I like to rub this into my body while reclining on the ground, feeling how I am held by the floor.
If you are not a salve person (today or in general), you can have this in tea form, pill form, as a bath, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes by way of Nick:
Consorting With Hippies
I’d like to think that Pleasure Is My Discipline could be one of their albums.
It’s quiet, sweet, acoustic music. And yes, it is just one guy.
Attenzione!. Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.
This involves, among other things, acquiring the skill of Gracefully Accepting Thanks.
And it is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing, particularly about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are, when things were actually the hardest.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Barrington’s Discretionary.
A number of things have become startlingly clear for me this week…
In some moments, this feels more like reassuringly-startlingly-clear and sometimes more like alarmingly-startlingly-clear.
Though often both at the same time… accompanied by abrupt laughter that sounds a lot like mine.
This is a known and documented thing that can happen at Rally. (Rally!)
And it is happening, to me, hard.
Except clarity isn’t hard. It’s just clear.
Two Stars.
There are two skills I need to acquire, and fast, according to Incoming Me.
Incoming Me is the version of me who has already integrated the qualities I’m ready to learn about. Known aliases: slightly-slightly-future me, or slightly wiser me.
I have been admiring these skills, and the graceful competence she exudes while using them.
Admiring from a distance, because they kind of scare me. And because they are like stars.
Distance: another word that starts with D.
Distance: their glow is so palpable that even from far away I can tell something intensely special is happening.
So these are skills about lightness and also skills that are lights. Showing me where to point my ship, illuminating the waters I wish to sail through.
Hello, gorgeous incoming skills, superpowers-to-be.
Here they are:
- The skill of: I am not afraid to ask. For help, support, wants, needs. In fact, I like asking for things, it’s mysteriously fun and easy. Possibly not mysteriously at all?
- I am not embarrassed about anything, ever, past, present or future.
Hahaha. Wow, right? You can tell right away how intimidating these skills are for me too. I frame them in opposition to what they are not.
They are not: afraid, embarrassed, hesitant. They are not: the things I apparently think I am.
These skills seem impossibly far away, too far and too hard to sail towards, never mind into and through.
And yet Incoming Me says I need to act on this, now, immediately, and once I do I will realize the skills are already here. She is wise, and a little annoying.
So there is a me who asks, and asks more, and is okay with this.
Asking rhymes with basking, she said. Start there.
Bask = sit in the sun, revel in, soak up, relish, take pleasure in something.
Exactly, she said.
She basks in asking. She takes pleasure. She takes pleasure in. She lets it in. She lets light come in.
In the form of sun, and also in the form of lightness.
She also lectured me on this a bit…
“You love basking. You already know how to be at home with accept-and-receive, appreciation, presence. You say that you don’t like ‘admitting’ to it, except guess what, admitting is always wrong verb.
“Like with glamour. You don’t need to ‘admit’ to being glamourous or loving glamour, you radiate glamour and a love of glamour.
“You don’t need to admit to a new readiness to practice receiving. No. You glow receptivity. Glow receptivity. Be receptive to glow.
“You spent a year getting ready for this, remember? Receiving and Glow were both WEST in your compass.
“You don’t need to learn how to be okay with basking to be okay with basking.
“You just glow love. Simple and sweet. You do this already through your work. Now let people glow love back to you. You teach through living. Live it.
“Do not be lopsided in your tendencies, there is no yoga that is only exhaling. People want to say thank you. Take down the wall that says they can’t, and that is called basking. Asking is just being receptive to appreciation. Glowing.”
Then we argued, just a little.
She was right, about everything.
Also she’s basically decided that I can learn this the hard way or the easy way. This feels like the hard way, but apparently it’s the easy way.
She wants me to tell the true story (stories) of Operation Resilience, the four months I spent homeless a long time ago. Halfway between homeless and hidden-homeless. Halfway between secrets and secrets. Something that explains many things.
She wants me to ask for things — to bask in asking — every day, all the time.
She wants me to get paid for my work, and is very upset that I haven’t been doing this. This was the main thing we argued about.
Backstory: Nearly four years ago, I opened the Playground, my amazing center in Portland. It’s the blog come to life, but with chandeliers and a lot more brightly colored cushions and also it is magic. Big success. Then we expanded, and that was a Spectacular Flailure, yes, flailure, of truly impressive proportions.
Useful, hard, glad it happened. And I also went without a salary for a very, very long time.
Incoming me wants me to invest in me the way that I take care of my business. I pointed out that this is a very nice idea, but actually it’s not an option.
Then you can’t be in charge, she said. It can’t be your job.
And then I thought I heard her whisper it’s not supposed to be your job right now. But I can’t swear to that part.
Me: Fine. Then who is in charge?
She: Barrington.
Me: Barrington. Huh.
Barrington, if you do not know, is my esteemed traveling companion and partner in adventuring. She is highly capable. And not entirely real. Though also very real. Much like incoming me.
My father likes to say, and I do not remember who he is quoting, “Not only was that a true story, but it actually happened.”
Sometimes my sense is that Barrington is a true story who hasn’t happened yet, who is waiting to happen. Maybe she is waiting for me to happen upon her, in which case we will become a true story together.
Anyway, Incoming Me wants me to bask in appreciation. She wants money coming in that is not for the business, but for Havi doing things that support Havi, according to Barrington.
That might be more dance lessons. It might be a new orange comforter. It might be things that scare me a little, but not in a bad way.
I said I’d process this over the next couple Rallies, and she said are you fucking kidding me, and I said hey this is big stuff, and she said yes, yes it is DO YOU WANT THESE SKILLS OR NOT.
I said tomorrow, she said today. Then she said I love how brave you are, and then I cried, a lot. Because I don’t feel brave, ever, but I must be because she trusts me to become her.
Barrington’s Discretionary.
I am going to keep talking to the me who knows.
And in the meantime, there is a link that Richard made for me. It goes to a place where you can, if you want to and are in the mood and this timing feels like right timing, glow a thank you in whatever sum you feel like.
Barrington is in charge of this, which is good. Because I am going to need some time to get used to this idea.
I will also say, even though I assume you know it: this is one possible form for glowing appreciation towards me. It is not the only form.
I am aware (though I would like to get better at remembering this) that many, many, many people come here to receive things they need, and that they are all glowing appreciation for me all the time. Receiving, and letting it land, is up to me.
My thank-you heart feels all the ways that my work and I are appreciated, not just the ways we can see.
My thank-you heart also glows appreciation for Barrington, for incoming me, for Operation Resilience, and for the past two years which have been a roller coaster of loss and grief. My thank-you heart wants to become a basking heart, glowing receptivity.
Exhaling appreciation, inhaling receptivity.
Glow-bask-glow-bask-glow-bask-glow-bask-glow.
Comments.
Yes to appreciation, glowing, sparks sparked. No to advice. Yes to flowers. Big heart of love for everyone, the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, everyone who reads.
D is for Dance.
Two years ago, in October, I ran an eight day Retreat called Crossing the Line, and all kinds of very interesting things resulted from that crazy beautiful week, but one of them is: I have a chocolate shop.
And last October I did the second Crossing, and that was even more amazing, sweet and intense. And what I got from that week was the information that Flowers Make Everything Better. Which started out as fake secret mission and turned into a a proxy, but then turned out to be literally true.
Not just literally true. True in other ways as well.
For example, turning my [big dream that didn’t work] into the Red Rose Ballroom. There it is. A red rose.
Flowers. Solved. Everything.
And that particular instance of flowers-solving-everything was one of the more important — and more astonishing— things that has ever happened in a life full of astonishing things.
Then this October…
This October, I began the Carousel of Rallies, the alphabet carousel, which is 26 weeks of playing at the Playground.
At the first of these I learned that not only do flowers (still) make everything better, there’s more:
The Answer Is Dancing.
So I have thrown myself into the world of dance. Or: returned to the world of dance.
Which makes the fact that I have a ballroom feel slightly more congruent. Also all the dancing is helping my ballroom, my ballroom that is a rose.
My ballroom that I didn’t want is now the ballroom that I do want, and it is okay that I didn’t realize this until now. It is okay that I am still not entirely sure how I feel.
This might not make any sense at all, and that’s okay too.
I just want to say that D is for Dance.
D is for Dance.
This week is Rally D, the fourth of the alphabet rallies, and one that I am, suddenly, extra-excited about. Which says a lot, because Rally is my favorite thing in the entire world.
D is for Dance.
D is for DANCE!
D is for dance, dance, dance.
Also in this form.
And D is for other things as well….
Magical words that begin with D
Deciding. Like what Bryan says: “You don’t have to make any decisions here, you just honor the decisions your body has already made…”
Or destruction and disintegration. In the Shaivite sense of undoing to allow for new things to emerge….
Or disguise. It’s costumes! For spies!
Beautiful qualities that begin with D
Delight.
Deliciousness.
Delicate.
Doors.
Devotion.
Dexterity.
Dopamine.
Discovery.
Deconstruction.
Dendrites.
Duality.
Documenting.
Drive.
Depth.
Descending.
Drawing. Like art, but also like water.
Dwelling. Verb and noun. Also: things that are homes inside of homes….
Dedication. Extra-appropriate because Hannukah is next week and Hannukah means dedication.
Detachment.
Dissolving.
Desire.
So many qualities. And so many memories.
D is for done.
D is for the dance I used to teach. D is for all the dances I have done and all the dancing I will do. D is for crossing distances.
D is for what has died, ended, reconfigured. And D is for drawing and defining new paths. D is for all the things that are dormant, slowly coming into form.
Thank you, letter D. I am looking forward to whatever [destinations and delights] this week brings. Willing to be surprised.
May it be so! And come play with me.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with D, go for it. If you want to share in any of qualities, you can. They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.
If you want to throw some superpowers into the pot for Rally, that is welcome.
Waving from the Playground! Whispering loving spells that begin with D, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish #228: Secret Window Time
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
My wish this week has to do with time, and it has to do with writing.
I don’t know that much more about it yet, so maybe the wish has to do with secrecy and shelter, or uncovering and exploring. We’re just going to have to find out.
What do I want?
What do I want?
I want something that is absolutely impossible, according to the well-meaning monster hordes. Namely, time for the many things I want to give time to.
They give a big emphatic NO to this wish. A wall to shut it down. If I poke and press a little at the wall, they whisper that I am delusional.
I know what their mission is. To keep me from getting hurt, feeling disappointed, giving up.
If I try to do the impossible, I will fail at the impossible, and then I won’t try other things that I need to try. So they want me to give up before I take on this thing that I will fail at.
They want to keep me from pain. I can support that mission.
So let’s find a way to think about this, with the understanding that we are not going to do things that cause me pain, alright?
What do I want?
To take a bath.
What do I want?
Hahaha, now I know exactly what I want. Because I took a bath, and that’s where the answer showed up.
What I want is to follow the instinctive pull of desire, like I just did with taking a bath. What Alon calls taking the Next Indicated Step.
And the other thing I want is a new relationship with the Secret Window.
The Secret Window is my new name for the two hour slot of 11:30-13:30.
This is the time period I have been thinking of as more like a swamp of doom, but actually it is a secret window.
During these mystery hours, I cannot seem to get any work done, no matter how hard I try. So I either try to force it (which, surprise, does not work), or I give myself permission to not-work and then just end up doing little internet-ey things and feeling generally dissatisfied.
I want to use this Secret Window for my own purposees.
What if I use this Secret Window.
What if I use this Secret Window to do things that really, truly appeal to me? All the things I wish I had time for and never get to, because I’m supposed to be working…
What if this secret window is a wrinkle in time? What if it is “wrinkling time” through a tesseract?!
Huh, that is actually kind of like fractal flowers…
What if I consciously choose to use this secret window for missions and ops that are deeply pleasurable…
And what if (hypothesis!) doing this actually improved the quality of my work that happens later?
Things that could happen during Secret Window Time.
I could…
- Learn and practice some new ASL signs
- Watch west coast swing videos and take notes
- Take a bath and learn useful things, like I did just now
- Have a miniature version of Putterday
- Skip all the stones and write what I want to write
- Take a nap
- Go for a walk
- Do yoga nidra
- Sit in the closet and spend time learning about the parts of me I don’t let out
- Have a conversation with Incoming Me
- Play at Transformers (this is a new practice I’m doing, more about that soon)
- Any of the above, in any combination
What are the qualities of my Secret Window Time wish?
The qualities of:
Playfulness. Spaciousness. Desire. Delight. Grounding. Exploration. Joy. Humming.
How am I going to play with this?
Well, calling it Secret Window Time already feels much more expansive and lighthearted.
It makes me think of the bat cave.
I would like to have an image that goes with this, and of course it will be a tesseract. I kind of wish I had something like a Secret Window Time cape.
But some kind of costume for sure, possibly a necklace.
Because everything is a costume.
Anything else?
This is perfect for a spy. A spy would absolutely have Secret Window Time. Operation Tesseract! There will be secret agent code.
And flowers. Flowers and dancing. These are the two things that make everything better (for me), so if it isn’t fun, there aren’t enough flowers or dancing, clearly.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- The 4th Closet: mini-announcement.
- Up the Bork
- Everything is getting easier.
- Miracles everywhere.
- Regular dancing gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
- There is money for this.
- I can see why this moment is good.
- Trust and steadiness.
- Hawaii.
- Happy BeeNBeeNBee.
- I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
I might work on D is for Dance. There’s still Operation G Presto and the Book of Salves (not a fake band, though it sounds like it).
I will have to see how I feel at Rally (Rally!)
I’m playing with…
Asking questions. Being patient.
Requests and announcements!
This year’s 26 Rallies are almost completely full, with just eight Rallies have openings, though they won’t for long. Take a look at the new page…
I would also like support for our magical Red Rose Ballroom — likes on Facebook is great, as is spreading the word to anyone you know who might want to have an event, program, party, anything at all in Portland…
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Operation Delete 8…
I wanted to delete things, and I did.
There is still much more to delete, but it was a useful experiment that I hope to continue.
Sometimes deleting was liberating and sometimes it was full of stuff. Sometimes instead of deleting, I found I needed to consolidate things into museums (The Museum Of The Thing I Used To Teach) and put them aside for later, and that was okay.
And past-me was a genius, and I was able to see that. So I’m glad I asked.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Keep me company?
You are welcome to drop in with wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large, and in any form you like. There is no right way to do this. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We ask for what we need. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox