Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

I am overflowing with grateful appreciation right now.

So I am going to pause (paws!) here for a deeply heart-felt moment of THANK YOU.

Knowing that no matter how challenging and hard any given week might be, I have a place to reflect on it and I am not alone…this is treasure. Doing this in community — and I include everyone who reads or has read over the past 259 weeks, or occasionally thinks “hey, Friday Chicken!” as part of community — is a big deal for me.

Thank you.

What worked?

Choosing to see The Scariest Thing as a do-over from Then.

This week I had to do The Scariest Thing, and there was no getting out of it. It had to be done.

Next week I am going to attempt the Second Scariest Thing, which is telling you guys about the Scariest Thing, if I can.

I do not even have words to describe how much I did not want to do The Scariest Thing. I have spent the past eight years, and especially the past year and a half, working my ass off to avoid this very thing.

And over a decade ago, I made a heartbreakingly painful choice that resulted in years of trauma, in order to avoid a very, very similar Scariest Thing.

This time there was no avoiding it. It had to be done. So I decided that this was a video game do-over for Me-from-then.

She can’t undo her choices (and she shouldn’t have to either — I fully support her choices, she was trying to protect me-now, and she was amazing, I owe her everything). But if I choose to see this experience as a do-over, then me-now can be strong enough to make a different choice, and in doing so send a little healing both backwards and forwards in time.

She introduced me to Strength, Resilience, Faith and Perseverance. Now it is time for me to meet Surrender, Humility, Mercy and Grace. This is what I learned from my do-over, and I appreciate that.

Breathing into it.

I wanted to run away so hard this week. I could feel all the old neural patterns pulling. Singing the song of let’s-just-get-out-of-here.

I wanted to toss a grenade into the last of the barns, and let it all burn behind me.

But instead I chose to do the Scariest (for me) Thing.

Something Bryan Kest has said, over and over again: “Life is full of challenges. Sometimes you can’t run away from them. Try breathing into them.”

I have been practicing for this. I have been training for this.

This week I breathed Sustenance and Steadiness. I breathed Trust and Possibility. I kept breathing into everything. I stayed in my compass of qualities and let breath be in charge of everything.

External support.

While the Scariest Thing was happening, Agent X was across town doing yoga and breathing Grace and Presence for me. My co-travelers from my Crossing the Line retreat in October hummed Safety and Sovereignty for me while I was going through it. Other friends held wishes for me too.

Knowing that I wasn’t the only one breathing into it and through it was such a help.

Next time I might…

Ask for help sooner.

For me, asking for help is the scary thing.

Recognize the stories inside the stories.

My strength doesn’t come from being able to take care of everything myself, even though I want to believe that so hard.

The hard, challenging and mysterious.

• Still figuring out this (…metaphorical…) hallway thing.
• The Portals of Portal Land are disappearing fast, and with that a small identity crisis for me as I figure out what I want.
• The Mystery of Ugh I Hate To Admit that [person I think is a total tool] is right.
• The Mystery of Release.
• The Sail of Yard is a good thing, and I’m glad it’s happening, but I do not have time/energy for this on top of everything else right now.
• The scariest dreams.
• So. Much. Work.
• And so much work yet to be done.
• The Scariest Thing, and also the dread of the Scariest Thing.
• My body reacting.
• So much hurt and sadness from then. Past-me, who went through hell to keep me from The Scariest Thing, was pretty upset that now after all this time I’m choosing to just go ahead and do it anyway. She did, as we say in Hebrew, figure-eights in the air, just to protect me from something that I was going to end up doing later. PAIN about this. We had to build a lot of safe rooms.
• People I love being involved in the Scariest Thing, and knowing that they have to go through it because I do.
• Sadness and grief over all the things from then.

The good, reassuring and delights.

• Squeaking in under the line. We squeaked! We squoked! Whatever it is, miracles. I didn’t think we could do it, and we did. That made The Scariest Thing infinitely more bearable.
• I am at peace in the hallway. I am not scared of anything right now.
• Richard and I went to Mt. Tabor park for a birthday picnic, and it was the most joyful, sweet, wonderful thing ever.
• Our timing was fantastic, because it turns out that Mt. Tabor park is about to be closed indefinitely, so that was the exact right time for a gorgeous picnic there, and we didn’t even know it.
• The Sail of Yard that we are having with our neighbors turns out to be a great way to practice Emptying and Replenishing. I can feel all kinds of emotional/energy cobwebs getting whooshed out of my space.
• Evening yoga in the park with Agent White.
• Mission Avoid The 6 has been so good. It is ridiculous how much nicer my life is when I am nowhere near the #6 bus. Even if it means taking longer to get places. Avoid the 6.
• Really understanding for the first time that I am surrounded by people who love me. Friends, neighbors, beautiful-hearted people.
• The Scariest Thing is over. Well, not over. But I did the part that was the scariest. I did it, and I am okay.
• I did not meltdown at all during the Scariest Thing.
• I know what I want, and I am both happy and unconflicted, both about the knowing and the wanting.
• Not being attached to outcome.
• Trusting that everything, including The Scariest Thing, is for my good and the good of future-me.
• Big deep crazy heart-love.
• Someone who believes that I get to be treated with sweetness at all times, and actively practices this.
• Forgiveness.
• The diamond sankalpa.
• Monsieur LeBlanc from the Other Agency has a Connection, which means possibly hiding out in southern France next year to avoid American Independence Day and the resulting fireworks trauma.
• Everything changes, and I am good at this.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

The superpower of letting [X] become a softly shining jewel in my heart, instead of the bitterest pill.

In my case, X was Humility and Graceful Surrender.

This week’s salve is going to be a stronger version of this.

And a superpower I want next week.

The superpower of meeting everything that comes up with Oh Yes This Is Right, and: I Can Use This!

Salve.

This week’s salve is the salve of painful things transform into jewels.

In other words, the quality hidden inside of the experience becomes present and grace-filled.

The tiny truth-sparks inside of the distortions are revealed, and they glow.

The salve is comforting, it eases burns, it reminds me of smelling cloves at the end of the sabbath. Spices of sweetness.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Some little notes.

Confidential to Lorinda.

Thank you for sharing your process. Beautiful to read!

Confidential to a certain secret agent in Canada who keeps sending me clues.

A full heart of APPRECIATION and GRATITUDE for you and your mission.

Confidential to Kaari.

Thank you for the just-right postcard and the just-right words, for trust and love, and for being an accidental best-ever testimonial for why the Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic is still the greatest, after all these years.

Confidential to Simone.

You have no idea how much that meant to me. Thank you.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is:

Aluminalomnibus

A Luminal Omnibus? What does that even mean? Actually, they used to be called Amigosanonymous. Or, alternately, Amigos Anonymous.

Either way, just one guy.

Thank, Nick.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.

Last week I said that we were in “a bit” of a crisis, and that was a hilarious understatement. I understated it because admitting to crisis is part of the Scariest Thing that I have apparently devoted my life to avoiding.

I also said that I will tell you more about it later, and I will.

I also said that this experience is “interesting, and not particularly fun, and — like all hard things — very, very useful”, and I stand by that. I will also tell you more about that part, because it is important.

In the meantime, thank you everyone who bought things from our shop this week. You were part of our miracle that made The Scariest Thing so much infinitely more bearable.

And if you have been thinking, “man, I would love to get X from Havi’s shop or her Sail of Emptying sometime”, it would be hugely helpful if you could do that now. Now is a really good time.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.