What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #246: S.M.I.L.E.S.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Waiting.
Not taking action until feeling the pull.
Listening.
More and more and more.
Trying on courage like a costume.
And wearing it until it felt like something I’d actually wear.
Next time I might…
Remember that doing deep emotional work means internal fallout, even when there’s no external fallout.
And especially if there is!
Build in time to fall apart a little. Schedule it.
Instead of being surprised by something that is really not surprising at all.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Exhaustion.
- Three nights of screaming terror nightmares. Stuff from then.
- Needing to say the words and make the endings. So hard.
- Seeing people I love in pain, and watching them continue to choose pain and stay in situations where they are not treated lovingly and respectfully.
- Missing Shut Up & Dance because too tired to see straight.
- Stompopolis scheduling mix-up on Saturday!
- Playmate is far away.
- Realizing I have been keeping reminders of pain on my phone in the form of voicemails, because deleting them meant acknowledging: this is over. But the not-deleting causes twinges of sweet sadness that keeps things stagnant. And stagnation is not what I want.
- Time to do all the hard things. This required immense levels of courage, and I had to learn many new things about courage this week. I am very glad to know them. The process of learning them was not the most fun thing I’ve ever done.
- Letting go of things that are not working. Grief and sadness about change and about endings.
- Monsters. Specifically What If You Never Have X Again and What If You Never See Y Again and What If You Are Screwing It All Up. We had a lot of talking to do about “never” and about safety and plenty. It was useful and also pretty intense.
- Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
- Concepts I have made clear not landing.
- Releasing attachment and a bowlful of “But but but why is it not like this?!”.
Things I found delightful.
- Friday night.
- 16 hours in bed dozing, drifting, dreaming, listening to internal weather reports.
- The Wheels of Justice bout against Bay Area. Could have been a killing for B.A.D. It wasn’t! We lost but lost VALIANTLY. Definitely the most physical bout I’ve ever seen. Add to that: well-matched teams and four lead changes and you have some pretty great derby. Afterparty was pretty fun too…
- Four days of curiosity, playful discovery, smiling.
- Having painful things received with love and sweetness, without the other person trying to fix it or change it. Just presence.
- Heart overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
- Sent a secret birthday present that was full-of-secret-meaning to person who is meaningful to me in ways that are not-at-all-secret, who really, truly understood, and was over-the-top delighted with it.
- Every moment of Surprise Beach Day at Seaside and Hug Point. Sharing. With the ocean. Perspective. Getting really really clear on what I want. Thank you, ocean.
- Doing a thing that was like [scary-for-me thing] but without the PTSD attached.
- Adoring. Adoring. Adoring.
- “You are safe.”
- Up to date thought ticker reports.
- Internal spring cleaning. Including: Deleting the voicemail messages. Ending things that needed endings. Doing what is right.
- Intimate acceptance. As in: Here. Now. I will be deeply human with you in this moment.
- Seekrit flowers from Floopers! Flowers everywhere.
- Comfort. Sweetness. Compassion. Warmth. Delight.
- Sharing concepts and metaphors.
- The side effects of Courage. They’re a lot like the side effects of silence.
- Met the new Incoming Me! She’s a more intense version of Bond Girl. Bond. Havi Bell Bond. She has the best superpowers ever. I am especially liking Blissful Steadiness and Effortlessly Alert.
- There are people who can handle [hard things that I think no one can handle].
- Slow Melting Internal Light-Glowing Effervescent Smiles. An acronym that stands for itself, but better! This is right.
The most extraordinary thing from this week!
I was walking down the street and a woman was getting out of her car. She looked at me and asked, “Do you like flowers? I have a car full of flowers!”
Then she handed me two large beautiful bouquets. They had tags on them that said “donate”, apparently from some kind of auction. I LOVE flowers!
You know what my proxy mission at the Crossing for [how I want to live my life] was, right?
Learn how and why flowers make everything better!
I wrote her a note that said “Flowers make everything better!”
Thank you, flowers. Thank you, woman who gave them to me! Thank you, silent retreat so I didn’t make awkward small talk but was present for and with the exchange. Thank you, abundance and plenty. Thank you, appreciation and gratitude. Thank you, Crossing. Thank you, proxies. Thank you, favorite cafe for suddenly mysteriously filling up with people and noise so I left an hour earlier than I would have. Thank you, Bond Girl for saying now, go! And telling me to walk faster and make the light. Thank you, beautiful world for life!
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Operation Internal Spring Cleaning and Preparing For Many Difficult Goodbyes. Wham boom!
Miracles!
I believe the phrase “Would you like flowers?” can be a stand-in for this right now.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Trusting in courage.
And a superpower I want next week.
Sweet grounded blissful Steadiness. With Focus sprinkled on top.
Proxy of the week.
I’m wearing courage.
Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) of the week.
Whole-heatedness, instead of whole-heartedness. Mmmmmhmmmm.
Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.
This salve is the salve of courage.
And because courage contains, I learned, lots of other things, it has those too: Plenty. Trust. Freedom. Wonder. Curiosity. Joy. Lots and lots of joy.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
Covered In Wow.
They are loud, raucous, fun to dance to and do things with woodwinds. Musically, I mean.
Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
A voyage through April.
It is very much April, and I am noticing-feeling different things at once about my relationship to this month right now.
A part of me that wants to pause (paws!) and acknowledge the movement: here we are. April.
The part of me that wants to press pause on this movement. La-la-la nothing-is-happening!
Also the part of me who knows the voyage is being voyaged whether I look or not. Even if I distract myself, we’re still sailing through this part of the sea, and this moment is new, and all moments are new, and April is here. I can say hello or not. So I will.
Come in, come in, April. Come in, flowering vitality. I am here for this. I will play with you.
Looking out at March. What worked?
Saying: This Is Right. Saying yes to the pull of adventure. No to everything else.
So long, March. Things I might try differently next time?
Keep trusting. Conduct more. Do less.
Observing the sea of April. Hello, April.
We’ve been hanging out for a week but now I’m ready to look. I am here. I want to be here now.
I see you and you are beautiful. I see my wants and fears and expectations, colored balloons.
I notice how I am remembering last year when everything fell apart in April, the slow-burn beginning of the eight months of watching everything go up in flames. I feel that sudden gust of wind that says: change is coming. Breath catching in my throat.
I repeat truth: Now Is Not Then.
And I smile at all the beautiful things that came into my life through the undoing and collapsing of the old, stagnant structures. I am ready for change that is sweet, steady, playful and glowing. It smells of spring.
Qualities I want in April.
Clarity. Trust. Pleasure. Quiet. Plenty. Strength. Radiance. Conduit.
What does the Stompopolis calendar have to add?
This month’s quality: RECEPTIVITY.
Um. Yes. Seriously every month I look at the new calendar page and think, “Past-me was a genius! How did she know exactly what was needed?!”
And also: Wanna play catch?
Hey, April. Wanna play catch? Hey life and love and joy: wanna play catch? Hey emptying-and-replenishing…wanna play catch?
Play. Catch.
I am receptive.
The superpower listed is… tada! The superpower of Delighting In Small Things. Yes please.
April superpowers
Trusting that what I need is here. Trusting my ability to improvise with what is here, even if I don’t think it’s what I need. (Or can’t recognize that it’s what I need!)
Bond Girl fearlessness. The fearlessness comes from the trust, of course. If I miss the train, it was not my train. That is what this trust looks like.
Bond Girl also says: Love the edges. So some of that too. The superpower of loving the edges.
Things I’m working on and playing with in April.
Letting the compass solve the mysteries. Saying thank you in my heart. Going deeper into silence.
Things I’m looking forward to in April.
Beach Day. April Rally! Napping. More and more flowers. So many flowers. Delighting in the flowers.
What April could be like.
Radiant. Glowing. Covered in wow.
Slightly future me says…
Tend to what you want. Treat it like you do the flowers. Make your internal space welcoming for these desires and aspirations. Give them a home to land in.
Naming the moon.
This is a tradition I borrowed from Waverly. You can read more about how I do it if you like.
The Moon of Plentiful As The Stars In The Sky and The Sand Of The Sea.
I want to be here now.
I want to be here now.
Goodbye, beautiful March. You were a month of flowers and hidden jewels, like I asked. Thank you. Goodbye what-is-done. Thank you for being done.
Hello, April.
The secret word is ready. Ready. Over and out.
Play with me…
I mess around with entry and exit each month, going with whatever shows up.
For other versions, peek at 2011: July / August / September / October / November and December. Or 2012: January / February / March / April / May. A love letter to June / July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February.
And last month we slid into March like it was a safe house!
Feel welcome to deposit notes for your entry into April here, if you like. Or drop off wishes or leave flowers.
We make this safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
Wishing you a pleasure-filled, playful, welcoming April. And love. All the love.
Visions #196: Thing X is mysterious!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1. Learning more about my relationship with Thing X.
What I want.
Well, I really wanted Thing X.
Thing X seemed like a great thing to want, because it was not at all dependent on other people or technology or anything else. It was a thing I could do — and wanted to do — for myself. With ease. All that was needed was for me to agree to set aside an hour for it.
And then I didn’t. And then I did.
But due to tired-induced zombie-state, I messed up one tiny thing while preparing for Thing X that resulted in NO THING X AT ALL FOR ME.
This was the moment at which I discovered just how attached I am to Thing X, and to the happening of Thing X. And to specifics. Nothing could be substituted. Only Thing X would do.
I also learned that I had been deeply intensely craving Thing X, not just slightly-wanting it. In fact, I didn’t even realize until it was not longer an option that I had been counting on Thing X to make up for [all the other things].
What I want here is to reveal truth. Gently, steadily and lovingly. In the safest ways possible. To investigate — with sweetness — my relationship to Thing X, and find out what needs some rewriting.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Curiosity. Play. Presence. Shelter. Steadiness. Plenty. Release. Trust
And the superpower of remembering that there is always a way of getting the essence of what I want, if not the form. Sometimes even in a better form…
More about what I know.
Thing X is related to:
Comfort. Solace. Getting quiet. Getting insight. Reconnecting to myself. Warmth. Being deeply present. It is also like a mikveh (pictures) in that you emerge from it in a different state than when you enter.
It is immersion in something important and vital.
I also know that I do not take my need and desire for Thing X as seriously as one would think, given how much I love it and crave it.
I know that Thing X has been a part of my life in some form forever.
Ways this could work.
Renaming Thing X. Possibly with metaphor mouse.
Or inventing a proxy.
Or using an acronym. Making it secret agent code. Turning it into a secret spy op.
But mainly: playing. Not letting it be this gigantic tangle of Havi Stuff that my monster crew want me to think it is. Because it isn’t.
Remembering that fear, pain, grief, whatever comes up is legitimate and understandable. Recognizing that part of learning to give myself what I need is coming to terms with the fact that yes, I am super conflicted about this. Even just with the phrase. What I need.
This is going to require some safe rooms for me-from-then.
I’m playing with…
Water. Looking at water, thinking about water, finding out what I know about water.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Two hats want to come into the world.
- Bond Girl says: Love The Edges.
- Operation Playing With Timing.
- Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
- Operation S.A.Y. Y.E.S.
- Playfulness.
- The kind of healing that happens with laughter.
- I want what I want, and I am okay with wanting what I want. Releasing attachment to form, getting closer to essence.
- A sovereign answer to an unsovereign question.
- Miracles at Beach Day.
- Miracles at Stompopolis!
- What if everything else I am working on could be like FLOWERS?
- Operation F.L.O.W.E.R.S.!
- Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
- Bond Girl takes lead, and we delight in the thrill of anticipation, readiness, adventure, steadiness and glowing the glow of what is coming.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Courage. Wonder. Tingling presence. Radiating. Alertness. Glow. Capability.
And the superpower of remembering that everything is my ally if I want it to be.
And seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Taking a break from [thing that is uncomfortable] for however long feels right.
Operation B.A.T.H.T.I.M.E.
Asking Bond Girl.
I’m playing with…
Trust and play. Trust in play. Trust the play. Trust is play.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Things that have already come to life: Sexy strappy sandals happened! Though not flip flops. Marisa and I took care of a big thing from the list. I went to Actual Beach Day for the first time since September.
What else? I maintained boundaries. The misunderstanding did resolve in laughter.
Agent S. returned safely from the New Orleans mission except in the meantime I discovered new things about myself and about the agency that changed the mission and my relationship to it. Agency! The mission Agent S. is currently undertaking (if that is in fact the mission) is not something I can play with. So that is new, and it is one of those things that is sad-and-good at the same time. Mostly good.
Everything else can percolate for now. And a wish from a long time ago about flowers came true this morning in the most marvelous and unexpected way!
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #245: the secret language of picnics.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Listening.
Listening to what I wanted.
To trees. To instinctive pull. To inclination and disinclination. To judgment and distortion. To the secret language of picnics. To questions I didn’t understand, trying to hear the question behind the question.
To music that is like this and music that is like that. To Bond Girl aka Incoming Me.
Listening more.
Bond Girl told me where to go dancing and when.
I got there and did not like. That’s not true. Loved the music and the concept, atmosphere didn’t feel right.
There’s a protocol for that, of course. “If something doesn’t feel right and you can’t shift it, exit!”
Me: (listens!)
Bond Girl: Finish the mission. Do the thing you came here to do.
Me: I don’t know what that is yet.
Bond Girl: You’ll know what it is later. Now there is dancing to do.
Wow was she ever right.
Listening even more. And not arguing.
Bond Girl: Let’s go back inside and get a tissue.
Me: I don’t really need a tissue.
Bond Girl: And yet that’s what’s indicated.
Me: (huffy) OKAY-FINE.
Back inside, I discovered I’d left my water bottle next to the box of tissues. Then the bus was late and I was happy to have water in my wait in the sun. Later I was happy about having the tissue too.
Me: What if I hadn’t listened?
Bond Girl: All timing is right timing. Any moment can be a moment for listening.
Me: Oh. So it doesn’t matter that I listened and then didn’t listen and then listened again.
Listening more and more and more.
Now? Now. Do it? Do it.
Listening more and more and more and more than that, even.
Just when you think you’ve gotten to all the quiet, there is even more quiet underneath…
It is beautiful and cannot be described.
Next time I might…
Listen? Listen. And conduct.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Fallout from other people in my space.
- You think you’ve worked through all this inherited cultural fear-programming, and then you’re awakened in the middle of the night by pounding on the door because your cousin can’t find his key, and your first thought is: Gestapo! Heart-sigh for that.
- Being around people who are in their stuff, and do not know that their stuff is their stuff.
- Still haven’t found the words that need saying.
- Silent Disco was not silent. In fact, the words “HEY IT’S SILENT DISCO, MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!” were shouted at top volume. It was loud in all different ways: jangly and ungrounded.
- Someone I love in a bout of LFP (Ludicrous Fear Popcorn), and I took it hard, because I was raised with that exact flavor of fear, and I feel strongly about how this is no way to live.
- Misunderstanding with playmate.
- Sleep doesn’t want to happen at night right now for whatever reason.
- Getting to the point of tired that is beyond not-functioning.
- You know when you find someone’s behavior in [situation] reprehensible and unjustifiable, and then you realize you’re basically doing the exact same thing to someone else in a different situation? That was this week.
- That lead to a lot of moments of “I can’t believe X doesn’t have the balls to just say [thing] to my face. Oh, wait…”
- The realization (thanks to something really good happening) that I have been putting up with a lot of crap, and that this needs to change.
- The usual What If You Just Made A Horrible Mistake monsters were in full force. Though Bond Girl wasn’t impressed. That helped.
Things I found delightful.
- This beautiful sweet week.
- Is everything extra-pretty or have I just not been paying enough attention to BEING ALIVE?
- Svevo, my favorite person in the world, stayed the weekend for more play.
- Dozing in the sun with Svevo and Noah in the park, in true Brooks fashion.
- House overflowing with flowers, inside and in the garden.
- Ending Pesach with Marisa and macncheeses.
- The New Orleans thing went better than expected, and then the thing I thought would hurt like crazy if it happened did in fact happen but was so much less painful than what I was imagining.
- Sudden decision making superpowers. I knew exactly what to do. All the previously complicated questions now suddenly have simple, clear, Bond-Girl-approved answers. Scleranthus! Yeah!
- Saturday: 73 degrees. Sat in the garden in the sun. Happy.
- Went to Silent Disco because Bond Girl told me too, and also because I like to express support for all silence-related ventures.
- Dancing all night.
- Welcome surprises. As a noun and a verb. And a superpower.
- Real Beach Day. First one since September. A thousand times better than Fake Beach Day.
- Being at the ocean with Bond Girl made it really clear how much has changed since the Vicarage. Overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
- New superpower: Everything I encounter today is my ally.
- Discovering at the beach that a story I have been (quietly) telling myself about my life is not true! Astounding and freeing.
- Bond Girl took me on an adventure to teach me to love the edge. At the end she directed me to a spot with no bus stop, trusting that the bus would stop anyway if I smiled. It did. The bus driver: “I only stopped for that smile, you know.” Bond Girl!
- Edited something down from 3485 words to 2930. Progress.
- Good news from two different friends in Berlin.
- Picnic in the park. With red balloons and fading light. Sweetness and delight.
- I can’t stop smiling this week.
- “Solve for happy.” Wait, already solved.
- Sometimes I honestly wonder why anyone says anything at all when the things we want to say are so deliciously obvious. Maybe because it’s fun to find the courage to say them.
- It’s Worldwide Everything Is Right Day. Wait, again? Again. When I forget, I remember that this is possible. And then it is both possible and true.
- Agent White’s favorite piece of punctuation is the ellipsis. I feel strongly about how great this is.
- Feeling the way I feel right now.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom.
Operation Constance Edgewalker Tries On Two Different Hats Wham boom!
Operation Red Rose Missive Wham boom!
Operation Real Beach Day Wham boom!
Reveal and Radiate Wham boom!
Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom! Wham Boom! Wham Boom!
You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Miracles!
Still. Yes. Silent retreat.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I think my favorite one was Feeling Absolutely Fine About Being Mysteriously Awake In The Middle Of The Night.
Oooh, no, my favorite has to be Feeling Completely Glamorous While In Sneakers And Not Wearing Make-Up. That one was new and exiting.
And a superpower I want next week.
Trusting in timing. Letting things be as they are, and smiling.
Proxy of the week.
I’m just trying on hats…
Typos of the week, freudian or otherwise.
Love you, autocorrect. You speak a creepy truth.
Being “ballast” instead of ballsy. And: The bus ended up being Kate!
Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.
This salve gives everything quiet illumination and lustre.
When it is on you, everything you see, touch, feel, encounter or perceive is slightly more beautiful, slightly more pleasurable, lit up by its own light. And you glow quietly towards it, as it glows quietly at you.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
But But But Sandwich.
They are the best. Though it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Visions #195: it just kind of springs up on me
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1. Spring. Into action? Or just spring?
What I want.
It is spring. It is very much spring.
And there is this thing that happens every year. Or really, there is this story I tell in my head about a thing that happens every year.
Namely that I am not “prepared” or “ready” for spring. It just kind of … springs up on me, yes. In its springy springiness of bouncing on all the springs.
The thing is, I adore spring.
And then I go into my stuff about not having what I need to properly enjoy spring. And then I feel resentful and frustrated.
Let’s not do that this year. So I’m not sure yet if this ask is more about untangling the patterns, or if it’s about making sure that I have the tools that I need. Or if it’s about changing how I think about all of this. But here it is: spring!
The qualities inside of the wants:
Curiosity. Patience. Sweetness. Earth. Delight. Plenty. Freedom. Sun
And the superpower of trusting my instincts.
More about what I know.
(People vary, so what you need for spring might be very different. This is just for Havi.)
Havi needs to be able to 3, 2, 1 stop drop and picnic (code for drop everything and go to the park) if there is sun in her rainy land. And to comfortably do this, she needs flip flops. And a pedicure. Sunscreen. A cloth to sit on because of grass stains and sometimes mud. And to remember to shave her legs.
And a bag with water bottle, sunscreen, accordion toe-magic, notebook, pen, post-its. Maybe a snack.
Really, there needs to be a bag like this at home and at the Playground, because Havi works a lot. And two pairs of flip flops because hers are sure to be wherever she isn’t.
Bond Girl just added “sexy strappy sandals” to the list. And before the monsters could start in with “extravagant” and “not necessary” and “you can live without that” and “DOOM”, she gave them a look.
The look was kind of like, “Really? You’re not going to support my receiving the tools I need to excel at the mission?”
I chime in: “Yeah. I want to talk to Q!”
And then all the monsters volunteered to be Q. And now they are busy making me pens that are also spyglasses, and watches that have tiny hidden snacks inside of them, this is great.
Ways this could work.
Hmm. Right now the pattern is “wait to get these things until it is already sunny, then feel resentful about being indoors getting flip flops and a pedicure when I could BE OUT IN THE SUN!!!”
And since I didn’t take care of these things and now spring is here, really the only part I can change is the pattern.
So. I can practice saying “this is right”. I can remind myself that I will not run out of sun. The sun is like prime numbers. There will be more sun.
I can try doing some of these things very early or late in the day. I can let Bond Girl tell me when, where, how, and just follow instructions.
I’m playing with…
Noticing when I’m choosing to believe in Spring Just Springs Up On Me And I Don’t Get To Enjoy It And It’s Not Fair.
Noticing what I need: reassurance and reminders that I have enough, that there will be enough, that I will get to play.
Making safe rooms for me-from-then who is VERY upset about having had to go to school, period, but especially about having to sit indoors on beautiful days being bored out of her mind when she wanted and needed to frolic and be a gazelle.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Juggling is the wrong metaphor. So what’s a better one?
- Conspiring with Svevo and with the Observer to get more information about the Orchard of the Annes and the musical accompaniment that might be involved.
- Operation What’s The Protocol Part II
- Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment. No pushback this week! PROGRESS.
- For Vicarage II (condensed mini vicarage) to happen smoothly, I need to fill out some paperwork and this is not fun. So. Operation S.A.Y. Y.E.S.
- May this misunderstanding dissolve in love and laughter. And if further steps are needed to be taken on this, may I be brave, loving and trusting enough to take them as needed.
- Agent S returns from a mission in New Orleans. I would like this to be fun, playful, easy, filled with delight.
- Presence and pleasure. Revealing truth with presence and pleasure.
- I want to add a few more things to the Bitchy Boozy questions, and I want this to be easy.
- Who will watch Around The World In Eighty Days with me?
- Wonders and delights at Stompopolis!
- Easiest HAT!
- Wait, Beach Day? Actual Beach Day? Not Fake Beach Day? Ooooooh.
- Dance dance dance. While being a fountain.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Playfulness. Perseverance. Presence. Pleasure. Grounding. Simplicity. Resonance. Flow.
And the superpower of noticing all the things, people, experiences that are playing with me, delighting with me.
Like last time: seeing the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
Walking. Dancing. Conducting. Compassing. Remembering. Being Bond Girl. Being the compass. Being the fountain. Playing with everything.
I’m playing with…
What if the “right tool for the job” is something I already have? And: If I’m using it, then it’s the right tool for the job.
Also disguises, costumes and things that don’t look like doors but are actually doors.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Things that have already come to life: I activated the card! And found the right agent who was not Stan. Talked to the monsters. Learned about Operation Spring For This. Had joyful time with Svevo. Had (and am still having) a wonderful, easy Pesach. Came up with the dates for the announcing. Spent time with Agent Santellano and it was new, like I asked.
Everything else is progressing through percolating. I am sprinkling those asks with some affectionate attention and then letting them do their thing, trusting that if there’s more I need to know about them, it will probably show up.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox