What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Visions #180: now that we know each other better
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: an extra dose of peacefulness.
Here’s what I want:
Between the news (from which I am steadily and consciously removing myself) and another situation and the general …. oh how to explain to non-HSP … zappiness in the force…
Extra peacefulness is needed.
Steady, grounded peacefulness that has even more peacefulness inside. It is all peaceful-ed up from all directions.
The qualities inside of the want:
Steadiness. Shelter. Safety. Presence. Grace. Lightness. Resonance. Love. And, of course, peacefulness.
The superpower of being my own anchor.
Ways this might work:
Conducting and compassing. All the time. Even for small doses. Two minutes here, five minutes there.
Get on the floor. Get close to the ground.
Ten breaths. And then another ten.
Lots of old Turkish lady yoga.
Dissolving and radiating.
I’m playing with…
Remembering that I can set up my external environment to support this. And I can fill up on my me-ness, my suchness, and fill my internal space with presence, which is a direct invitation for peacefulness.
Presence and peacefulness are best friends. If I invite one in, the other one will tag along. That is one of the things that showed up at the Crossing.
Also I seem to remember that the last time I asked for peacefulness, I learned a lot about its opposite before the peacefulness came whooshing in. Maybe this time, now that we know each other better, our encounter can begin with sweetness.
Thing 2: Learn more about the hidden usefulness of the Giant Perceived Delay.
Here’s what I want:
There is a thing that Stompopolis needs, and I have not taken care of this need, and it is interesting that I keep choosing other things to do.
So I want to (quietly, lovingly — safety first!) investigate.
Is there something useful about this delay? Maybe it is not at all a delay and instead a Percolating Time. Are there monsters who haven’t been heard? Or maybe there’s something I need in order to take a next step (or to back off and let this cook some more).
Information. That is what I want. And if backing off is needed, then I will back off. I just want to make sure that it’s not sad, scared parts of me whispering go-away-don’t-look.
The qualities inside of the want:
Curiosity. Patience. Desire. Fortitude. Faith. Planting. Spaciousness. Presence. Blowing kisses.
And the superpower of what if this is actually right timing?
Also known as the superpower of Oh Right Nothing Is Wrong. With a pinch of Removing Guilt Helps Everything Go More Smoothly.
Ways this might work:
I’m not sure. I’m going to put this here and practice letting it be.
I’m playing with…
The wish is here. I’ll check in with it over the weekend.
Thing 3: A thing that will hold money and ID when I go dancing.
Here’s what I want:
Havi Bell happiness requires much dancing, bouncing and being in gazelle state. Most of the time this happens in the living room, at the Playground, on the street and of course in dance class. But sometimes it happens ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
And I want a place to put money and ID that is not be a purse and still more effective than sticking everything in my bra.
So. It could be an arm band or a wrist cuff, as long as it can hold identification and maybe a credit card.
It has to be attractive. Or if not let it be bizarre enough that that it looks like part of a nutty outfit because that would work. What else?
- NOT a shoe pocket or an anklet or anything that requires bending over.
- I’ve seen some cute garter belt style solutions to this but I need something that will also work under a tight dress if need be.
- Not a hip pack or anything bouncy. When I dance, I need to DANCE.
The qualities inside of the want:
Ease. Freedom. Beauty. Play. Delight. Grace.
And the superpower of elegant solutions.
Ways this might work:
If anyone here wants to throw out a suggestion or something they’ve seen or tried, that is welcome and appreciated.
Someone on the Floop or maybe at the Frolicsome Bar (facebook) might know of something good.
Etsy.
I’m playing with…
Wanting the want. Dancing it up.
Noticings about the things I want this week…
Presence and ease is big. As is making small changes in approach to change the environment, or vice versa.
Bonus wishes, please!
Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- Decide on new year’s plans. If X, then Y. Etc.
- Knights of The Blue Table?
- Passport!
- Dolphins and herring? Open a dolphin adoption agency? Decisions. Hm.
- Mezuzot.
- 80s!
- Eva.
- Earlier to bed.
- Anticipation.
- Vault time.
- Writing is pleasure.
I’m playing with…
Having a secret thing to look forward to.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
OHMYGOD. I wanted horizon and water, and then that immediately became available to me in two different ways and then I fought it all week. Huge resistance. All the monsters and all the objections.
But after many productive monster negotiations, it all worked out, and I have MULTIPLE DAYS of horizon and water in my calendar now. Not all at once. But they exist and they are paid for and I am in heaven just thinking about it.
Then I wanted a quality in a quantity. Like a thimbleful of sweetness. Or a pot of silliness.
And Sarah gave me the idea of a Sarah-ful being a unit of measurement, and yes why not. So I am now measuring things in Havi Bells. A Havi Bell of Delight. A Havi Bell of Appreciation.
Then my big ask was about clearing out cobwebs and wow. This was the week of cobweb clearings. I had the superpower of all superpowers of de-cobwebbing. It was INTENSE. Glad I asked.
And all the bonus wishes came true except for one. I don’t know why it took me so long to do bonus wishes. Oh right because the monsters think it’s “cheating”!
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #229: notebook and pen
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked this week?
Devoting my Fake Beach Day to a specific project.
I’ve had this writing project that is not a work project and not a personal project, and so it never gets any time.
This week I gave my Monday over to this project. I wrote for five hours straight and at the end I had fourteen pages of exactly what I needed to say. I wouldn’t want to make this a regular thing but in this particular case it was just right.
Changing location.
Meshaneh makom meshaneh mazal.
Change your place, change your luck.
Going to the Tea House with one writing project, one notebook and a pen. And a companion doing the same.
Playful writing date with my playmate.
It turns out that being slightly distracted actually helps me focus.
I got another huge writing project done on Wednesday. All the sparklpoints to meeeeee!!!!
This particular project has been driving me batty since APRIL. Anyway, my playmate gets credit for texting me sweet distractions every fifteen minutes or so. It was exactly the right thing.
Having company without being with someone. Having shared anticipation, laughter, joy while still being on my own. This was great.
Next time I might…
Let a zombie day be a zombie day.
It is a known thing (with much documentation in the Anthology of Havi) that when a zombie day strikes, nothing is going to happen.
Resisting the stuck just makes it worse. There is only one thing to do on a zombie day and that is to take care of myself. To replenish. To do the things that will help it maybe eventually turn into not-a-zombie day.
The sooner I remember this, the better things go. The problem is that zombie day will show up at an inopportune time and I try to bulldoze through it and make it a Doing Day anyway.
Letting a zombie day be a zombie day is the fastest way out of a zombie day.
Give Annoyed Me a notebook and a pen.
It turns out that Annoyed Me has a lot to say about [situation].
And the longer I wait to process, the more frustrated she feels.
It makes sense that I don’t want to do this. I’m definitely not looking forward to finding out just how much annoyance is in there, or how much is actually directed at me and not the situation that I think I’m annoyed about. But I don’t have to do anything.
Just letting her have her say will make things easier. And I don’t have to solve anything. Just hearing her out is a starting point.
The hard.
- The news.
- Being around people.
- Being out in the world when everything is painful and zappy.
- Working on the weekend again.
- Ten days without dance class.
- The thing that I put on my lips that I love has been discontinued!
- The second thing that I put on my lips that I love has a new packaging and I do not like it. Grumble.
- Feeling overwhelmed.
- A morning meeting that put another two hundred things on that list. I got them all done but then it looked as though nothing had changed. Feh.
- All the cobwebs in my life were extra visible this week.
- Still have not figured out what to do with the dolphins and the herrings (proxy).
- Feeling annoyed about a situation, and no time to process this yet, and now reaching extreme annoyance levels.
- Misunderstanding!
- Doing all the things is fulfilling but doing all the things is also exhausting.
- The thing that needs to be booked is still not booked.
- Being a highly sensitive person: blessing/curse/blessing/curse.
- I’m glad the cobwebs are clearing but raising all that dust is not fun at all.
The good.
- Spending last Friday in the cafe, having a day of Doing All The Things. Normally I take Fridays off but it’s such a miracle when a day of intense productive flow shows up that I took it. Happily.
- Then had a whole week like that. Seriously. It was the week of Doing All The Things. It is outrageous how much got done this week.
- Hannuka. Candles and brightness and singing and all the fried foods forever.
- My cousin Noah lives here now! He came over for latkes and Marisa came too and this was absolutely lovely.
- My very personal ad for de-cobwebbing turned out to be the best thing ever, because I have been moving out all the cobwebs, and it feels amazing! So much movement of stagnant energy.
- I rewrote the CRUMb, which is the pirate crew user manual, and it is a thousand billion trillion times better now. That was a gigantic project that I’ve been avoiding, and it felt really good to watch it transform. And then I rewrote the Entry Packet too.
- Fake Beach Day with Danielle!
- Having the dates!
- Discovering @SeinfeldToday on Twitter.
- The tea house.
- Writing out the entire story of the Tree of Life.
- Wednesday. I woke up Wednesday full of appreciation and gratitude for everything. Including every single aspect of The Hardest Thing that happened this year, and the crisis situation of the past several months. For everything. I knew I would be able to see the good eventually and now I do. Thank you for the barns, for the burning of the barns, for the ability to breathe through it, being able to get to the point of recognizing that this is okay.
- Loyal friends.
- A chance meeting a few months ago turned out to have planted the exact right thing at the exact right time.
- Feldenkreis class with Wally.
- The VICARAGE! I am the most brilliant person on the planet, and I have an escape plan and I am going to the vicarage and I don’t have to explain it unless I want to.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Clearing out all the cobwebs.
Including cobwebs I didn’t know were cobwebs. Like updating my gravatar and twitter picture.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of remembering that I can make things fun and easy. As the starting point and not the ending point.
And the superpower of disconnecting from everyone else’s worry and reconnecting to my humming heart of tingle-joy.
From the archives.
Past-me is a genius, you guys.
I just found this post about tiny bits of wisdom while I was looking for something else.
And it is exactly what I needed to read for the Tree of Life situation and to resolve another thing I’m dealing with.
YAY me from July of 2008 who didn’t even know that she was writing for me of today.
Also this, from May of last year: LOVE HARDER!
See? I already knew the answer to this situation. Love harder, love more, fill up on love and radiate love, and then, yes, more love.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Reaching For Glass Straws.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Come to the class on TIME. It’s the prerequisite for the Year of Emptying and Replenishing (password: compass).
And it’s about all the things I’m passionately thinking about right now.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
31 tiny mini-rituals for entry and exit.
I have written a lot about conscious entry and how preparing for the voyage changes the experience of whatever it is that you are entering.
The main problem with doing this is: monsters! And the main problem monsters have with entry is that they think it takes forever.
So then we call on the internal scientists, who say: “Yes, it does take time. And! Research has shown that time for entry is totally worth it because then everything that happens after is better.”
But it also doesn’t have to take time. We can also make entry impossibly brief. Under three minutes. Sometimes even as little as three seconds.
There’s always a shorter version, right?
Why this is on my mind. Background!
I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week because we’re about to open Stompopolis to new member mice who are not necessarily familiar with the culture.
Stompopolis comes with very fun (optional, of course) entry-and-exit ritual which involves sitting inside of a compass inside of a blanket fort named George!
But really, anything can be an entry or exit ritual. Anything can be turned into an entry or exit ritual. Anything conscious, playful, curious and awake can be a ritual.
So what I really want to tell people is: Try things.
I mean, it really doesn’t matter what you do. Find out what you like. Experiment. The main thing is: Hey! I’m taking a moment to mark the transition and to be present for it. It’s an experiment.
Like this. Tiny mini-rituals that I just came up with.
Off the top of my head.
Thirty one of them, as it turns out.
- Walk in a circle.
- Or walk backwards. And widdershins!
- Touch something that is physically stable. The floor. The wall. Lean into it.
- Touch you: rub your feet or pat your arms.
- Draw a word or a symbol on the palm of your hand with your finger.
- Pat the ground seven times.
- Invoke a superpower.
- Or a quality.
- Tune into Grounded Enthusiasm, which is one of the secret magical things that lives at Stompopolis.
- Ask a question. Or four questions. Use a question to skip a stone. How do I want to feel? What do I need? What would help?
- Squeeze a butt-monster for good luck.
- Put on an invisible hat.
- Open an invisible door.
- Say: This is a door.
- Count backwards slowly from 27 to 0.
- Take eleven long slow deep breaths.
- Write a spell on your arm with your finger.
- Name five things around you.
- Describe what is happening. This is me, in a transition. This is me, not knowing what to do. This is me, talking to myself.
- Blow some bubbles. Real or imaginary.
- Imagine your force field filling up with clarity and focus. Or whatever you want to feel in your space.
- Draw a salamander. Badly!
- Pretend to be a penguin riding a skateboard.
- Stand on your tiptoes eight times.
- Jump up and down sixteen times.
- Pretend to be a spy.
- Whisper a magic word.
- Make a wish. Write it down.
- Think of something you’re feeling good about. This is not to negate the real and legitimate pain about the hard things, just making sure the good gets attention too.
- Write a three-sentence love letter to slightly future you: maybe you in two hours or you in two weeks.
- Say: I am here now. I want to be here now.
Play with me.
You can invent tiny rituals! You can do something — anything — and decide that it is now a tiny ritual too.
You can also rename the word “ritual” and call it something else.
We could even have a ritual for making-up-rituals. Like whispering WHOOOSH or twirling in a circle. I don’t know.
As always: we all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. And we all get to figure out what works for us and drop the rest. Apply the People Vary principle as needed.
And, speaking of rituals, I am sending love to you and to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Qualities of entry and exit include, for me:
Presence. Curiosity. Wonder. Lightness. Passage. Courage. Flexibility. Adaptability. Freedom. Spaciousness. Trust. Play. Grounding. Possibility.
Visions #179: A quality in a quantity!
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Thing 1: Horizon and water.
Here’s what I want:
Horizon. And water. And an absence of most other things.
I have caught the tiniest glimpse of a possible pirate queen holiday. It’s how I imagine it would feel to get an accidental peek at the fair ankle of a lady when you’re a knight back from doing knight-things. Not sure where that came from. But I’m sticking with it.
The point is: I am fascinated. And aching with longing. I WANT THIS SO BADLY. It is not just a vacation, it is off the grid. It is water and horizon and writing, and I want.
The qualities inside of the want:
Desire. Faith. Trust. Presence. Heart. Certainty. Sovereignty. Rest. Vision.
And the superpower of remembering the humming castle: being the queen means humming the hum.
Ways this might work:
Processing. Planning. Both in the hard and in the soft. External and internal.
In the soft: More talking this through with my you can’t go on vacation and if you do you can’t tell anyone about it monsters, who are the second-most vocal clan.
In the hard: Tracking down the right traveling companion. Setting it up. Making space. Finding out which loose ends need to be tied up by which dates, and will doing that destroy me or is that just monsters? Because it kind of seems like this might require DOING ALL THE THINGS before I go. But if I don’t go, this is a disaster. See? Doing things in the hard invariably also turns out to be about the soft.
But mainly: it could just work. I need this.
I’m playing with…
Interviewing both Incoming Me and the me-who-has-come-back-from-this-holiday, to see what they know.
Thing 2: A quality in a quantity!
Here’s what I want:
At the Sunday cafe I order a pot of Harmony tea. Harmony! In a pot!
This, to me, is the funniest thing ever. It is direct-to-the-Havi-funny-bone funny.
Just the idea that you can get a quantity of a quality is hilarious.
Like, I would like a bucket of trust please! With a bowl of focus. Also let me trade in this cup of despair for something else because it’s not actually mine.
I want to see and feel this everywhere, by playing with it.
Look, it’s a bus shelter of shelter! It’s a truckload of wonder. Like that.
Also Harmony is what the last Incoming Me wanted me to call her, so it feels like coming home to her whenever I order a pot of her name.
The qualities inside of the want:
Playfulness. Presence. Appreciation. Delight. Silliness. Laughter. Perspective.
And the superpower of looking inside of things.
Ways this might work:
Planting it here.
I’m playing with…
Being playful and also drinking lots of tea.
Thing 3: Clearing out the cobwebs.
Here’s what I want:
Lots of Congruencing.
That is my word for clearing things out, throwing things away, moving things around. Whatever feels like it is in support of congruence.
I don’t like to talk about organizing. It’s not about that.
It’s really about the opposite of stagnation. It’s about choosing flow. It is clearing out everything that is sticky and cobwebby and done.
Anyway, I want a lot of this. ANd I’m a bit worried because I already have a ton of things to do, and also there are some serious piles of iguanas and doom to look at and INOWANNA.
So I guess what I really want is for congruencing and cobweb-clearing to be energizing and fun. For the mood to strike! As it has in the past few days. Basically more of that.
The qualities inside of the want:
Play. Lightness. Support. Form. Freedom. Possibility. Wonder. Spaciousness. Harmoniousness. Movement. Flow. Excitement. Anticipation. Glow.
The superpower of letting new air in.
Ways this might work:
Whenever I get a burst of energy.
A piece at a time. Just one thing. Or: ten things gone. Wandering around the house and pretending that Incoming Me is the guest-lover-friend I am preparing for. Because she is. And I am.
I’m playing with…
Goodbye, cobwebs!
Noticings about the things I want this week…
Like last week, a craving for playfulness and laughter. Also this element of desire and anticipation. And there is also a theme that feels like water. Not just water itself but the superpowers of water to move things and clear them.
Bonus wishes, please!
Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- A talk with the me who has not bought [X] for Stompopolis yet. Why is it good that it has taken this long? Find out what she knows about right timing.
- Fun percentages without context! With thanks to Bonnie for the best idea ever.
- Post the herring.
- Notes for the dolphin adoption agency? Yes, that’s a proxy too.
- Alchemilla.
- A delight-filled Hannukah. Light. Candles. Levivot. Warmth. Singing. Friends. Dedication and rededication of spaces, internal and external. Happiness and ALL THE FRIED FOODS.
- Write and send an invitation for [candles].
- Find out if Noah wants to come have dinner at Hoppy House.
- Ask for bolster recommendations.
- Sign-ups for my class on TIME! I am very excited about this class and I kind of think everyone should be. Also, it’s the prerequisite for the Year of Emptying & Replenishing.
- The red rose missive.
- Beautiful hangers that can be displayed. Wood?
- Energized peacefulness!
I’m playing with…
Using the paperless app to make this fun. Asking R or M to come with me to the cafe. The magic of Fake Beach Day. And of course the superpower of Dedication. Speaking of which:
HAPPY SECOND NIGHT OF HANNUKAH, you guys. Chag urim sameach.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted to experiment with living by the motto of We Shall Be Chill And Defrazzle. Which kind of worked and kind of didn’t. Actually, no, it did. I learned a lot about things that work and also about things that don’t. There were good pockets of peacefulness.
Also I am using my Conducting Vault (more on that to come) more, and that is helping with both the chill and the defrazzling.
Then I wanted to watch the barns burn while drinking whiskey. And I did. Maybe someday I will write about it.
Next I wanted help with and/or from the Magical Badger Brigade. That started out really stressful but I ended up having an outrageously productive week where things that haven’t moved for months all got done. So: yay.
Also big appreciation to the Floop where I played and problem-solved all week. The best.
And I wanted delighted enthusiasm for the Year of Emptying & Replenishing, and this happened too! Beyond expectations. And also I love that my people have shortened it to Y.E.A.R., which I think is funny and perfect and sweet.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
Friday Chicken #228: the color gold.
Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Choosing not to do a fun-sounding thing.
The truth is, all signs pointed to don’t do this thing. But it took me a while to get there.
Then I didn’t do the thing and it was PERFECT that I did not do the thing.
This is exactly the kind of situation that would usually require a complicated internal debate before I could even get to the point of decision-making.
Running the fans.
Fans. Use the fans. The hypothalamus does not do its magic without the fans.
Moving a longstanding regular appointment to a new day.
This has to do with movement, paying attention, following intuitive tugs and pulls, and consciously stepping out of stagnation. All of which: hugely important right now.
Acting on this impulse felt tingly and good.
Writing dates with my playmate.
No talking. Just the reassuring clicking of keyboards in unison through the magic of speakerphone.
Tiny bits of sweetness for tomorrow-me.
I have been carefully undoing my shoelaces at night so that morning-me rushing off to dance doesn’t have to get all tangled up while getting into her shoes.
So she can skip merrily off to the bus with everything going smoothly. It’s taken forever to remember to do this, and now the new pattern: it is mostly landed.
Next time I might…
Take more time to recognize how hard it is when things change.
After three months of having one thing on my agenda (Hey Havi, let’s Resolve the Awful Crisis of Doom), I suddenly had to look at all the things that need doing.
Both the things that needed doing before the Disastrous Everything Is Breaking Worst Thing, and the things that have piled up in the meantime.
I thought it would feel good to get it all out of my head and onto paper, but what actually happened was that I felt unbearably lonely and overwhelmed.
Lots of pressure and dread. Pressure-dread. Because: iguanas!
Anyway, I think my push for Let’s Focus So We Can Do All The Things meant I didn’t give myself nearly enough time to grieve over how hard this is.
As always the answer was: all feelings are legitimate! And then: empty and replenish, empty and replenish. And (if you’re me) don’t work from home!
Avoid social media in all forms? LIKE THE PLAGUE?
Well, maybe not like that. But whenever I visited the river (my metaphor for going online) this week, I was not happy.
Maybe I need more conscious entry. Or maybe hormonal rage and social media should never mix. Or maybe time off will help. Experiments to follow.
Check the Book of Me in the morning.
I have notes in the book of Havi Bell about how going to get things done to my hair is a portal to a time warp that mysteriously eats up my entire day. Even if the appointment itself hardly takes any time, that day is toast. Always.
But I forget that and try to think logically about my day: I’ll have this much time and I can fit this many things in there.
It doesn’t work like that.
Hair day, for whatever reason, is a lost day. Like a zombie day (when you don’t get enough sleep the night before). Or maybe not lost. It is its own thing.
So next time I will experiment with an appointment later in the day. Or shaving my head again. That’s an option too. But mainly: reminding myself that this is not a day for doing, thinking or crossing anything off of a list.
The hard.
- Not wanting to yog.
- Hormonal doom of doom.
- TOO MANY THINGS.
- Panicky overwhelm and overwhelming panic related to the above three items.
- People being inexplicably mad at me. Or maybe the explanations were right there. It was all very baffling to me.
- Someone I love sounding pretty much exactly like that one group of my monsters.
- Toozday was supposed to be a day of doing but then it turned into exactly the opposite of that.
- Wanting to do absolutely nothing.
- Except blow shit up. To destroy things and watch them crash and burn.
- Oh, still with the drama. More people drama-ing new drama.
- Barns still burning. Each time I think I’m okay with this barn, I have to learn to let go of the next one, it seems.
- Wanting the vacation so badly I can taste it, and it’s all I think about and I have a window of possibility but too far away and too many variables and not sure how it can happen when I need it to. Or before I need it to, if it comes to that.
- Let’s expand on hormonal doom of doom. Sore. Miserable. Looking like a rabid cranky Jessica Rabbit. Rage and terror. I’ve been working on these side-effects for years and usually the things I do work, but either I haven’t been doing enough of the things that work or [let’s not think about “or” right now].
- Everything grating on me, all nerves raw.
- After my amazing day of making all the progresses on Wednesday, I was looking forward to yoga/dinner/celebrating, but instead got in a huge business-related fight. And then spent several more hours working to fix the problem. I was so looking forward to basking, feeling proud and motivated. Instead it crumpled.
- PTSD dreams and waking up in terror.
The good.
- Remembering the emergency calm and using the hell out of those techniques. Also practicing everything we did at Crossing the Line. Works.
- Long-distance writing date with my playmate. For some reason we haven’t ever done this before, and it was exactly the just-right thing. Steady, calming, motivating and sweet. Both of us typing away from afar.
- Being so excited to tell you guys how crazy-impossibly well the previous week’s Very Personal Ads worked that I wrote this week’s early. That has NEVER happened, in one hundred and seventy eight weeks of doing this. That was cool.
- Quiet.
- Pausing (paws!) and more pausing.
- The conducting vault.
- Walking in the garden.
- The argument getting resolved because: compassionate communication.
- Fake Beach Day with Marisa! And eating sabich. The best.
- The color gold.
- Ten beautiful breaths.
- Knowing what I want and being (astonishingly) okay with that.
- Getting what felt like ALL THE THINGS done on Wednesday in a giant day of doing. I got more done on Wednesday than I have all year.
- Playing on the Floop and solving things, sparked by other people’s epiphanies.
- A wonderful person from the Floop has named my (ours, actually, all of us, since you will be following along in some form or another even if just through reading about it here) upcoming Year of Emptying And Replenishing by abbreviating it to YEAR. I love this.
- Abbreviations, in general! And secret spy words. Also everyone at the Frolicsome Bar (that’s our facebook thing) helped me with that too.
- Writing the Secret Rose Missive to Alon.
- Possible glimmer of a spark of a maybe-vacation.
- The following sentence: “Not a doubt in my mind that you can totally handle this like the sexiest lion tamer in the world.” <3
Also I have thank-yous! Thank you, Kate (and Andy) for the book. Anna, for the other book. Richard, for yet another book. Darcy, for the wonderful letter that made me cry. Andrea, for the perfect surprise gift. And Lissa, for the beautiful reminder. Thank you.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of all the walls coming down!
Thanks, Wally. And thanks also to the actual wall. It literally came down while the internal ones were falling apart.
And also the superpower of steadiness. And drinking whiskey while the barns burn.
And a superpower I want next week.
More steadiness please. And vitality.
Also the superpower of not caring how.
From the archives.
- Talking to a wall.
- A letter I wrote to myself close to two years ago..
- The dammit list.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is melancholy and sweet and their hair is always getting in their eyes. They’re called:
Girl Or Almost.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Points to Nick for the name.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Alright. The pre-sale for the regular sale for the Year of Emptying & Replenishing (password: compass) ends Friday, December 7, which is TONIGHT.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.