What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
A season of do-overs
Announcement & reminder about the ebook!
If you’ve already given to Barrington’s Discretionary last year or this year, you should have gotten my ebook by email about how I approach and plan my year, how I think about time and am in relationship with time. The feedback on this has been lovely and heartwarming, thank you!
And if you gave to Barrington but didn’t get it, I am so sorry if anyone fell through the cracks, please email me at my name at this website, Havi AT fluent self DOT com, with any emoji, and I will send it.
You can also still obtain a copy for now, as a thank you when you give any sum to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund, and I hope you enjoy and find lots of clues in there!
A season of do-overs
Do-overs forever, we keep experimenting
Anyone who has been hanging out here for any length of time knows that I love a do-over. And not just one, I love dozens of do-overs, infinite do-overs, the expansiveness of remembering we can give something another try, or do it entirely differently, or keep experimenting.
And I especially love February, the Month of Do-overs.
Starting, for me, with February 2nd (Groundhog Day), the Holiest Feast Day of Do-Overs.
Edit: Okay I just reread that piece from a year ago after writing today’s piece, because I was searching for links to previous writings about do-overs, and was astonished by everything in it, bless my mind that writes and erases…
The second day of the second month of second chances
I love that Groundhog Day falls on the second of the month, itself a sort of do-over for the first day in case that didn’t work out. The second day of the second month of second chances…
We’re always practicing, we’re always trying things. We can take it slow.
Recalibrating, reconfiguring, renewing, each second is a form of seconds.
There is so much fractal magic in a symbolic restart, in doing something slightly differently than usual, with intention.
And either way, we made it through January, a thousand points to us.
January of many things / January is rarely easy
To be clear: if January is easy for you, then I love this for you, and am delighted on your behalf, may it only continue!
For me and for so many people I know, January can be such a challenge of a month, loaded as it is with so many external expectations, and located as it is in the calendar, in the cold, grey times if you’re in the northern hemisphere…
It can be a gloomy and/or stressful time for many of us, and then add to that being constantly exposed, through media, social media and the bigger culture, to people going full speed ahead on new habits and loudly excitedly talking about all the changes they are making (forcing).
Or about how stuck they are which isn’t really about an experience of stuck at all, it’s more just about how change and force don’t get along.
Hello, February
February is a beautiful reminder that January was, if anything, a very slow warm-up, barely a dress rehearsal, for any new qualities and practices we might want to invite in this year.
And now we get to take what we learned, add some compassion and grace if we can, and practice trying again, differently this time.
Maybe more slowly, maybe with more kindness, maybe with more realistic expectations, ideally with some Loving Clarity.
Moving water
I have been enjoying the sky (blue bits peeking from behind clouds) of the last day of January here. If you are in other parts of the world it is already February for you, and I hope it’s feeling beautiful and hopeful there, but in case it isn’t, then I am lighting a candle for you.
And either way, I am lighting a candle for me, and for entry into the new month.
A candle for more beauty, more hope, more do-overs, more good movement, more miracles, more bravery and tenacity, and/or more of whatever is needed, since I am not there and I don’t know.
Bravery o’clock
An interesting (to me) thing about this past January is that, unlike last January when writing was hard for me, this year I wrote every single day.
Meanwhile another intriguing piece of this is that I have felt positively allergic to editing these words and sharing them, and I’m not sure why or which part, but maybe the why doesn’t matter.
Maybe it’s related to the rawness, maybe it’s related to not wishing to be seen, maybe it just isn’t the time for sharing those words, maybe it just so happened that I had a lot to say to myself.
But today I feel pulled to share words with you, new ones, and so I am going to attempt to “move the water” of the words inside me, kung fu style, for a forty five minute hour, to see if they wish to take a shape.
Moving water / moving with water
I was half-listening to radio, and someone was talking about kung fu, and how the idea is not to move your body, but to be fluid and liquid in such a way that you imagine moving the water inside of you.
They suggested imagining you have a bottle of water, and instead of trying to move the bottle, you are shifting your mind into a fluidity state, and imagining that the water moves the bottle.
What a beautiful reminder for me that I live in a body, and my body is a body of water, literally mostly water, and just like a lake or a river is a body of water, so too am I.
Motion is happening, flow is already there, in play, at play. I don’t have to make anything happen; I can just be with the water and love the sea. I love the sea.
Twenty years later…
This August will be twenty years since I got the domain for this very website and it went up the next day, and what a time, it felt so exciting and so weird at the same time, and I could not have imagined that I would still be writing things here twenty years later.
But I am. Some days it flows, some days I have to remember how to move the water inside me. Some days I do not wish to share my words, some days I don’t even want to share them with myself.
We keep on keeping on, and it’s so brave to just be, never mind to listen to ourselves.
What am I listening to when I listen to myself
And by listen to ourselves, I mean the practice of separating out from all the monster-thoughts, the self-criticism, the inherited cultural and social expectations, the ideas that we receive from the world or from people whose opinions had power or perceived power over us at some point in life…
Listening to what is beneath that, listening to my heartbeat and my breath and the sounds in the room.
And also skipping a stone into this body of water, asking a question and letting it reverberate into the waters of my consciousness…
Then listening to the parts of me who are kind and funny and warm, they are not worried about me, they are unburdened by doom-stories, they love the sea…
Marathon self
I have been noticing when my brain has been working overtime, and trying to remind it that February is the month of do-overs. Part of do-overs includes not trying so hard, not forcing, not pushing, more being present with the want and the water, with the remembering and the noticing.
Similarly, I am trying to remember that training for a marathon (whether real, metaphorical or, in my case, a proxy) doesn’t happen in huge chunks but with slow steady pacing and focusing on small incremental progress, like gradually improving timing.
Let’s talk to my marathon self. Marathon self, what counsel do you have for me?
Marathon Self advises…
A marathon is never as far out as you think, so start training earlier and more often, in small pieces.
Focus on what’s already working. You have endurance, stamina, posture training, core training, and most importantly, you have the ability to be alone with your thoughts.
You think running alone is a negative, and that you wish for companionship, but actually I am there and your various other incoming selves, so really you are running in a pack.
You love backwards walking, you can absolutely get excited about backwards jogging…
What does this mean
Me: I still don’t even really get what this is about at all, like what are we actually talking about?
Marathon self: You just want to train for things, and that’s great, it’s a sign of life.
Can we (we can) also train in other areas, from daily writing to moving forward, from journaling to finishing the many half-finished essays?
Or consider the daily cooking club projects that lead us towards a well-prepped kitchen…
And of course a marathon is about being victorious. Not in the sense of coming first. The victory is in the training. And then there’s another victory in showing up. And a third victory in finishing the course.
These are the victories we care about.
Victorious Marathon self says…
Even on a day when you were absolutely wrecked from a [situaton], you still managed to do your clubs, a symbolic non-zero version or amount of the things that are important to you in a day, this is not nothing.
Can you apply this to love, in general? Whether to your relationship with yourself or to healing past relationships through living differently now?
What would it take to be entirely unattracted to workaholics and deeply attracted to living intentionally and with ritual, run towards (ritual, for example), and if no one else is running that course, then who cares, you are still doing the marathon, you are still victorious…
Can you also release all vestiges of workaholism / fear that you will return to that mode of being and therefore dreading work, and find a renewed source of joy for creating?
Alright, let’s notice what worked in January
I love the January holidays.
For example, Carl Wethers Day. January 14 is his birthday but we can celebrate any day, and I celebrate with baby you got a stew going, and make a stew.
Do I usually make risotto? Yes, but that’s fine, it’s basically a stew. This year I also made Leave Your Family beans, and they were delicious, and I will tell you about that another time.
There’s Dolly day on the 19th when I channel Dolly Parton superpowers of celebrating being a baddie. I entirely made up this holiday (unlike all the other holidays which are obviously very real like making stew for Carl Wethers – who doesn’t celebrate that?), but it was her birthday, and it feels important to channel some extra unapologetic sex appeal in January.
*Even if I have been — allegedly — wearing the same sweatshirt and leggings for a [REDACTED] number of days.
Love a Feast of Liberations
Endings are beginnings are Feasts of Liberations, and making a feast day out of a formerly painful day is also a form of do-overs.
In January I celebrated freedom and more freedom, and also my tree friends, and today, January 31 is a holiday I call Reconfigurations Day because once, in the past, I got a piece of unexpected bad news on this day and had to recognize how to speedily recalibrate and reconfigure everything at once.
Here’s to the swift and less-swift recalibrations and reconfigurations happening with great ease, yes to unexpected great ease.
Here’s to remaining gloriously unbothered by perceived upheaval. And, also, here’s to falling apart if we need to fall apart, which is so reasonable, and then we can run do-overs later.
It’s all good, it all works out, good job to us.
Looking for another clue
Each time I look up, the sky is doing two wildly different things at once, depending on which way I move my head.
Just like how a lot can happen (or the water can move and be moved) inside of a fifty minute hour or a forty five minute hour, so the sky is a body of water.
Can I focus on the water within me, and moving as if I’m in a pool? Can I love the sea within? Maybe that is a theme for the season of do-overs too…
Oh, and something about season like seasoning, how do I wish to season these do-overs and change the flavor with each new experiment!
Tempestuous powers
I forgot to tell you that I refer to the month that was as Tempestuous January, which comes from a tweet a couple years ago from someone who said: “It’s the birthday of Pola Negri. Do something tempestuous.”
And I remember thinking, oh hell yeah, I’m gonna be tempestuous all month long, for good luck.
For good luck, and to practice. BE TEMPESTUOUS JANUARY.
A lot of the time this just involved doing something completely normal with a bit of a tempestuous spirit and flair, but also I talked to my most Tempestuous Self in addition to Bravery & Tenacity and tried to get some clarity on what these versions of me know that I do not (yet).
Anything else I want to keep in mind?
Whether for welcoming the season of do-overs, or in general?
The Cowboy: Do-overs is not about perfectionism, it’s not about trying to make something “better” each time, it’s about devotion. Your devotion to practicing and being present with the experience in a new way.
Like your yoga teacher used to say, how you do anything is how you do everything. That’s what I’m thinking about when I do chores on the ranch. Do-overs as a form of refinement, but without judgment. Gaining experience through repetition, changing some small element each time.
The Assassin: Training is about repetition, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun.
Victorious Marathon Self: I was going to say the same thing. Add some lightness. Laugh a little. Go backwards. Let moving the water be playful.
The Outlaw: You love hiding out, you love hunkering down, you love hibernation as a doorway to recalibrating and reconfiguring, so go with that.
Tempestuous January self: You did good, kid. Just keep finding more joy. Don’t give so much time and energy to not-joy, or even to trying to solve the not-joy.
Focus on accruing joy dividends! Let the pursuit of joy be joyful in its own right.
Delicious Obsessions self: Dive even deeper into what is appealing and what makes it appealing, take things that are working and switch them up, use what you have, add something extra!
Happy Season of Do-Overs!
Come in, come in, all helpful attributes for this season.
Clarity, Devotion, Playfulness, Integrity.
Sustenance, Intuition, Trust, Light-heartedness.
Letting go of expectations. Just trying things, here and there.
Here and there
Those both feel equally important to me: letting go of expectations, on the one hand, and just trying things, on the other. Here and there. Where we can.
Dancing it out, making small adjustments and checking in to see how it’s going.
Checking back in with these qualities and attributes, how is the body of water that is me changing and moving when I add these to the mix?
Casting
All this is what I’m casting into the waters, with love, of course you are welcome to invite whatever is appealing to you into your own pool of water.
I’m imagining the waters illuminated by moonlight, just like Tempestuous Me would like, but also I’m thinking about all the things I might be ready to release.
What a good time for a season of do-overs, what a good time to be unhurried and move deliberately. Lighting a candle for all this and more.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. I am lighting a candle for all of it.
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind (come to heart?), let’s support each other’s hope-sparks and wishes…
Thank you to everyone who reads, porch breaths, the winding path, the many clues that land when they land, receptivity, keeping on keeping on.
New ebook alert!!!
Aka fun bonus material on how I relate to time and map out my quarters for the year.
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary this week (see below) will get this by email as a pdf!
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Between Long Covid and traumatic brain injury recovery, things are slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Being tested / exhaling / loving the sea
Announcement & reminder about the ebook!
If you’ve already given to Barrington’s Discretionary last year or this year, you got my ebook by email this weekend about how I approach and plan my year, how I think about time and am in relationship with time.
(And if you gave to Barrington but didn’t get it, please email me with any emoji, and I will fix that!)
Anyway, you can also still get a copy now, as a thank you when you give any sum to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund, and I hope you enjoy and find lots of clues in there! So far getting lots of really lovely feedback!
Being tested / exhaling / loving the sea
Or at least doing my best given the circumstances…
Exhale
(Exhale.)
Yet again, again and onward, finding myself in these heartbreaking moments.
Finding, myself, again
Finding myself in the sense of welp here we are I guess.
Though also finding myself in the sense of locating myself, identifying where I am, self-orienting. Not that I am lost, just that I have forgotten.
(To breathe, to pay attention, to notice the passing of time.)
But either way, here we are, in the YOU ARE HERE of it all, and the here is in the heart-breaking moments, which are many. In the world, in the news, in a scary election year for the United States, in general.
And let us not forget the cumulative effect of the various other smaller and larger heart-breaks and heart-shards in the micro, in the right-here right-now.
It’s a lot, isn’t it
Yes, it’s a lot, it really is, and I hope you are doing okay, or possibly even better than okay, if that’s an option for you, and if yes or if no, either way we are going to try to remember how breathing works, because I have been forgetting lately.
Let’s remember together.
Oh right
Oh right. Releasing and allowing. Ahhhhh.
The forgotten exhale, and an intake too. That part is also important.
Both of these are worth remembering, there’s this whole quiet world of in and out.
Hello heart, hello lungs, hello oxygen, a hand-on-heart sigh of remembering, this helps, a little, sometimes.
And either way, the moment of remembering matters. If I forget that too, so be it. I’ll remember again later.
(Exhale)
Here we are.
In other remembered moments
I remember last January being slow and heavy, a molasses month. I remember the quest for increasingly tricksy ways to coax myself to get out of bed. Tricksy tricks and sheer determination, much was required there.
This year I’m pretty sure I blinked twice at most, and three weeks had passed.
What happened during that time? I mean, other than like ten different emergencies…
All I know is that I kept forgetting and then remembering to exhale.
But/and/also: noticing something about feeling rubbed raw.
Something about being a snake who has half peeled off the old skin but has not yet wriggled free. I am not used to the rawness of the releasing or the rawness of the new, it is all very raw. What else?
What else?
Noticing all the big moods and feelings:
Angry at times,
raucous at times,
determined,
fragile,
the opposite-of-fragile,
the fierce assassin who is devoted to the mission,
the quiet cowboy who actually likes chore-time,
worried and frightened,
steady and gloriously unbothered,
sometimes all of it at the same time…
Just noticing and re-noticing, and sometimes what I am noticing is how I yet again forgot to exhale (exhale).
And so
And so that’s what I’m doing.
Exhaling. And remembering.
Noticing and remembering, and exhaling, again.
Reminding myself to relax my jaw and then trying it again, and then laughing at myself a little because honestly, this much accumulated tension is almost impressive.
Companionship, sometimes invisible
In addition to the other scary things going on, I have to go and do at least one scary-to-me thing, and I wish I didn’t have to go it alone, I wish I had someone to go there with me, but I do not, so:
Candles (the ones I light, the ones my friends can light for me), and incoming selves who are braver, wiser and more fun about all of this.
And remembering to breathe.
The other day I wrote on a note that I am actually in a very serious and intimidating power couple situation with myself, with incoming me, and there is simply no way to talk about this without it seeming very cheesy, but I knew what I meant. And it helped. We will go there together.
Cliffs
Oh god I keep doing that thing where I think I’m fine and have even convinced myself of it, and then SUDDENLY it hits me…
Either a memory of one of the things that is going on, or realizing that I haven’t talked to anyone in weeks, and then things get a bit crumply, if that is a word.
It’s that cartoon phenomenon where the protagonist is moving their feet and there’s no ground beneath them because they’ve wandered off past the cliff edge, but they’re fine actually, as long as they don’t look down.
Except for some reason I keep looking down
Except for some reason I keep looking down, which is clearly not the smart move here.
Or maybe the not-smart move was forgetting about the edge. Or forgetting to exhale.
Still, there’s always another moment, right here right now. And anyway, there’s no cliff and no crumpling, it’s all an illusion, and we are so very brave.
Exhaling for that. We are so very brave, we keep on keeping on.
Tested (testing, one two)
This is a phenomenon I have written about here before how sometimes you wish a wish and then you seemingly get the opposite of the essence of the wish. Or you name your word for the year and extremely get tested on it right away…
Yes, the thing where you are almost immediately tested on all your goals / wishes / words, your most desired qualities and superpowers.
And is this because your attention is more drawn to a theme because you have invoked it? Or is it all the gunk coming to the surface on the way to clarity, like washing that one dish that had to soak for a while?
Noticing
I’m not even sure it matters what the reason is, all I can say is that everyone I know is telling me they too are being tested in the biggest way this month on their words and themes for 2024.
So if this is happening for you too, then ah yes, welcome to this club…
Sometimes it’s helpful just to notice this is happening. It will pass. And maybe the test is also an illusion.
Maybe we’re just panicking a little because we were brave and allowed a wish to exist…
It Solves Itself
As you know, I don’t do resolutions, but I did spend a few days thinking and journaling about the qualities I want to embody more of in 2024, and here’s what came up.
I want to focus more deeply and be even more devoted to the power of It Solves Itself.
Welcoming elegant simple solutions! Instead of trying to solve things, what if I practice Choose Calm, Choose Ease? What if I practice more Bravery & Tenacity. It Solves Itself.
What if I stop trying to be the solver? What if I stop staying up way too late trying to all solve all the problems and instead just put it all into the pot to percolate and brew? Into the wish cauldron, let the percolating do what needs to be done…
Testing one two, testing one two
Then the new year came in and wow did I get tested on this right away, and over and over again.
First by being offered what I would now call a Feast of an Easy No, but not being able to recognize the easy no, and trying to problem-solve my way into a yes instead.
But even after I recognized the Easy No in hiding, I kept getting tested in the area of having to be my own disability advocate.
People would ask me to do things I simply physically cannot manage, and then I perceived that they were upset with me about not being able to show up, but guess what, wanting other people to be not-upset with me doesn’t suddenly bestow upon me abilities I do not have. I can’t solve what I can’t solve!
And this is how I learned (again) that coming into the role of being your own disability advocate is very challenging, actually.
Even when it’s ultimately a form of Choose Calm, Choose Ease to be the person who can clearly state the facts: no, this is not an option right now actually.
Reminders upon reminders
I needed a thousand reminders from friends that, assuming that [The Best Solution Is Probably The Simplest One], which is often true, then if no simple solution reveals itself, maybe the best solution is to wait until a simpler solution can be found…
And I needed to remind the people I love as well.
Sometimes the best answer is light a candle, hope for the best, go for a walk if that’s an option, keep asking for solutions to reveal themselves, keep reaffirming my willingness to accept help and support, keep re-upping the wishes.
Waiting, noticing, inviting, if there’s a simpler solution, please show yourself, and until then I’m going to remember to exhale.
And tending
And tending to these raw feelings, adding on comfort where I can.
Being kind with myself when I forget to choose calm or forget to choose ease, I can choose again later.
Like I always say, You win some, you win some later…
Bravery and Tenacity
I have been doing many brave things in January, actually, one after the next.
To be clear, it is not fun to have to be brave at all, never mind this brave, never mind to continually be brave and then do it again the next day.
Even worse, I have had to be gracious about it, which somehow compounds the challenge.
Though also, at the same time, I am trying to remember to be proud of myself too; bravery is no small thing in this world, tenacity is also no small thing.
Then add grace to the mix, it’s honestly impressive.
Choosing what to be impressed by
Can I let myself be a little less impressed with the illusions and the cliffs, and a little more impressed with my own commitment to tenacity and bravery, or at least with the way I keep asking for their help…
The ongoing practice of Choose Calm, Choose Ease, Choose Grace, and, along with it, being gracious about the many moments in life that are not and seemingly, in that moment, at least cannot be about calm, ease, or grace.
And even these challenging moments, who are we to say they are not at the very least grace-adjacent? For me they are. The practice is the practice.
You win some, you win some later
You win some, you win some later.
Either way, the fact that you are choosing to be in a conscious relationship with yourself and with these qualities even some of the time is a big deal, actually.
The grappling, the invoking, the forgetting and re-remembering, it’s all part of the bigger experience of being a person.
Good job to us.
Grace
“If I knew where songs came from, I would go there more often,” said Leonard Cohen. “The real song, where that comes from, no one knows, that is grace, that is a gift, and that is not yours.”
The grace place (grace places?) are not known but also are very known, in the sense that we can quiet things enough to wind up in them.
There is an exhale that brings us closer to them, or brings them closer to us, or maybe we are already sharing the same space, already in the circle. Maybe it’s just a matter of not-solving for grace, and breathing patiently until we remember grace is already here, in this place…
Add this to the category of the many mysterious mysteries that are both not at all mysterious and very mysterious at the same time.
And let’s not forget joy
Yes. And joy. And-joy! Not to be forgotten.
There is joy (surprise joy, transcendent joy, simple joy, micro-joys) to be found both in the mysterious mystery, and also in those unlikely moments when the mysterious elements solve themselves somewhat.
When the mysteries are solved, resolved, revealed, clarified, or otherwise calmed in some way. Like the waves.
The grace in the storm, the grace in the calming.
Waves
This is a bit of poetry I whisper to myself on repeat but it actually comes from the lyrics to a song by one of those Israeli bands that was big in the 90s and is somehow still very beloved in a way that could not happen in a larger country I don’t think…
All backstory aside, these are the words I hold onto like a talisman:
sometimes I’m on top of the waves /
sometimes I’m beneath them /
but in any case (either way) /
I love the sea
I love the sea, I love the sea, I love the sea.
Come love the sea with me.
The sea
I love the sea (this amazing life), and also I cry a lot, because the pain of the many painful things comes in waves too, and I can find myself and lose myself and find myself again in some very bedraggled moments in their wake.
What a very human experience.
“Thank you, life” is what I sometimes whisper or shout, depending on my mood, when I finish up my evening porch breaths and have talked to my friends (the trees, the fields, the mountains, the big sky, the crisp air, the wildlife) about my day. And sometimes I add, “I love you, life”, and once I specified: “I love you, my life.”
That surprised me. I do not always love certain or even many aspects of my life, which is kind of in shambles, but in that moment it didn’t matter, because I was choosing to. It solves itself, and here I am.
It solves itself, it comes in waves, here I am, and either way, I love the sea.
Cold spell
If you are anywhere in the United States, you probably got hit with some big, big weather over the past couple weeks, and if you are elsewhere, you probably read about it online.
I got lucky and somehow ended up in the one corner where there were no imminent disasters, but did get about a week of a pretty severe cold spell here before the general chaos started chaos-ing.
Lowest temp was 12F which is -11C, and as you know, I live in an unheated metal box and rely on a very hardworking little space heater, along with a lot of jogging in place while wearing everything I own.
Add in a bonus two hour power outage for fun!
This required even more jogging, and luckily my body didn’t object. It likes moving more than it likes being still these days, moving or sleeping, just not being still. That’s a mystery too, but we made it through.
This tremendous good fortune
And at the same time, even as this was all happening, a power outage on an impossibly cold day…
I was still able to remember my tremendous luck and good fortune: the sturdy roof, the new double-pane windows that fit properly and close properly, my newfound ability to jog for long stretches, my friend the sun who always comes back to visit me here.
What good fortune. I love the sea.
Married to the sea
I laughed delightedly when I saw that the You Are Good podcast was covering the movie Entrapment, a movie I unironically adore that I also think is simply not that good, but just give me a hot heist with agility maneuvers and elegantly sliding between lasers in a catsuit, and I will overlook a lot.
It was a joy and a relief to learn that the hosts of this show basically agree with me on most counts.
Then Sarah Marshall started talking about the sea, and I had just been thinking about the sea — in the sense of sometimes I am above the waves and sometimes I am below, and either way, I love the sea, like in the song.
So this was confusing and also beautiful, and I had to listen to that bit again, because I think Sarah meant that loving an ancient Sean Connery is like loving the sea, but also that in general when you love someone — and here I would add: including yourself! — it’s a bit like loving the sea in that you get what you get.
You get what you get
You love someone or you learn to love yourself, and this love or this experience of love is so vast and wild and dangerous and beautiful and merciless all at once. Truly anything could happen at any time and you can’t anticipate anything.
How brave we are to love at all, to exhale and be here, in this human endeavor, and to keep doing it, to love more…
At least I thought that was what she meant but like I said, I was already very caught up in my own internal love story, realizing that I will continue to love the sea no matter my relationship to the waves.
Married to the sea? Married to the sea! Why not!
Okay, so I listened again, and here is what Sarah said:
“In any relationship you have to know that you are marrying the sea, in the sense that you are marrying all the joy and beauty that you find, but also the entirety of existence which also includes profound destruction which, if people stay around, it’s going to happen to somebody, sorry.”
Yes, okay.
I am also married to the C of Choose Calm, Choose Ease, and the C of the cowboy who is me, and the C of comfort, contentment, capable, capacious, cake-making…
In true Sesame Street fashion, this realization about love and life is brought to you by the letter C!
Yes, all that
Like Sarah Marshall and the 90s Israeli band both said in different ways, as I choose to understand them, the hard, painful or challenging moments are also part of love and being alive.
They even make up a pretty significant part of loving life, and being, as my friend Keren used to say in an attempt to describe me, “a great liver of life, in the sense of joyfully experiencing, not the organ…”
That is a part of love, the painful inevitabilities. And yet here I am, still loving the sea.
I also want to add that on that episode of the podcast they asked each other, “What are your hopes and fears for this new year and what do you want to eat”, and that’s honestly such a beautiful stone to skip in general, but especially for someone who loves the sea…
What are we going to eat, in this world of upheaval? Let’s start there.
Here’s to loving the sea
Here’s to loving the sea, and here’s to cake for pre-breakfast, if that’s your thing (it’s mine), or whatever might help, maybe it’s something entirely different for you than anything I’ve mentioned here, people vary.
Here’s to everything solving itself deliciously.
Here’s to enticing solutions offering themselves.
I hope you are finding moments of grace, or finding yourself in moments of whatever is needed.
Mainly I hope you are able to conjure some space to breathe, replenish, fill up on whatever you need most. Making space for the grace-places.
What am I hoping for as I recover from these big waves
More of the good things: hope, comfort, sustenance, sustainability, warmth, sweetness, micro-joys, focus, loving clarity, appreciating all of it.
More of I Choose Calm, I Choose Ease, I welcome elegant simple solutions, I love the sea, It Solves Itself.
Will I continue to be tested on these? Maybe. Am I still asking for them? Absolutely.
The grace-places are wherever I am, and if I forget to exhale, I will remember again, and we can also remind each other, with love, by lighting a candle for each other and for peaceful resolutions, and taking some breaths for the greater good.
That’s the kind of resolutions I want for this new year: things resolving themselves peacefully, may it be so.
And as for myself, I am going to keep pausing, breathing, asking, wanting, tasting, sweetening, enjoying, crying, resting, loving the sea.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. I am lighting a candle for all of it!
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind (come to heart?), let’s support each other’s hope-sparks and wishes…
Thank you, everyone who reads, porch breaths, the winding path, the many clues that land when they land, receptivity, keeping on keeping on.
New product alert!!!
There’s fun bonus material on how I relate to time and map out my quarters for the year.
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get this bonus material by email as a pdf!
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Solstice wishing / we wish you a merry chrysalis and a happy new year 🎶
Announcement – New product alert!
If you’ve already given to Barrington’s Discretionary this year, you got my ebook by email this weekend about how I approach and plan my year, how I think about time and am in relationship with time.
(And if you didn’t get it and were supposed to then please email me with any emoji, and I will fix that!)
Anyway, you can also still get a copy now, as a thank you when you give any sum to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund, and I hope you enjoy and find lots of clues in there!
Onward
Okay, onward to today’s post, which is about Solstice Wishes, the period of hibernation (for me) that takes me from solstice through to New Year’s, and as ever, an opportunity for me to sing, mostly to myself, but also here:
We wish you a merry chrysalis and a happy new year…🎶
If only because that is running through my head constantly, sorry about that!
Solstice Wishes
Revisiting, again
I revisited a favorite labyrinth for solstice, and I revisited past wishes, past rituals, past stones skipped, for example these solstice stones or these, and appreciated how now is new and different (now is now), and also how it it also remains similar and familiar.
Revisiting and refining. Reconvening and recalibrating.
Appreciating all of it. The circular, spiraling nature of time, here we are again, but it’s different this time…
Or maybe not…
Maybe it doesn’t feel that different this time, or maybe hard to discern, or maybe just barely different enough…
Or: maybe not we’re not appreciating all of it!
Maybe we can appreciate aspects of it, while at the same time noticing the parts where we might be running headlong into old patterns or external perceived expectations or [whatever is going on for us right now].
Good job, on the noticing. Noticing is the real work.
The sweet surprise of a revisit
For winter solstice (or at least it’s the winter one for me here in the northern hemisphere), I reread the piece I wrote six months ago at summer solstice, and much was familiar, and much was already forgotten.
But the way it began really struck me.
I did not remember writing this, but it feels so very appropriate for this moment, right here, right now.
For where I am here, from the place in the year where I am writing to you..
I revisited and was surprised. A surprise revisit: different than a surprise visitor.
Broad into narrow into the broadening again
Broadly, here I am, in the northern hemisphere, winter solstice, the depths of the cold, dark time, cultivating hope sparks, any and all hope sparks, amen v’amen.
And, also, at the same time, zooming in to where I sit, perched on a blue bench in a tiny, tiny house out by the forest in southern New Mexico, looking out the window at my tree friends, imagining you can hear me…
Yes, I want to revisit and repeat that segment, to say those exact words to you (and to myself) again, the words from then, to renew them, like an incantation, like a prayer…
Let’s say it again. I think it needs to be said again. There is something beautiful and surprisingly powerful in the repetition, in the act of renewing. That’s why we revisit.
Quarters, again
I live my life in quarters, reveling in the double meaning that is quarters as living space, sanctuary, shelter, or all of the above, nestled alongside the parallel meaning of quarters as segments of the year, a way to be in relationship with both time and seasonality.
And I love the imagery of quarters as containers for wishing wishes, letting them percolate, all the superpowers of Three Months Later…
Where are we now? YOU ARE HERE.
Take me to my quarters. Am I ready to embark? Not sure. Am I ready to ready myself for the embarking? Yes, let’s find out what is here.
Winter Solstice, 2023
I keep having this sensation or perception that I don’t know where to begin or where to go, but that can’t be true.
It’s far more likely that I know, that the information is here, and I am just hiding it from myself for a while, for [reasons], so I guess let’s start with the animals, speaking of visitors…
The rabbit
A month ago, a beautiful rabbit died next to my house. Just the prettiest rabbit you have ever seen, a white rabbit with soft, soft ears.
The rabbit seemed at peace next to my house. No visible injuries, I do not know what lead to its end, or why it decided that next to my house (and not beneath the porch, where I often see rabbit friends hiding themselves away) was the right place to exit this life.
In a way I almost receive this as a compliment. That is to say, I myself landed here in this peculiar, extraordinarily peaceful spot when that was what I needed. So if this is where peacefulness radiates, of course that’s where our poor sweet rabbit friend would want to be.
But also, at the same time, there’s the more practical concern of hey there’s this half-frozen rabbit corpse next to my house and I don’t love that.
Except I cannot do anything about it because I cannot bend or lift things. One of the many annoying aspects of Long Covid is that these activities make me very dizzy. And it feels unsafe to risk dizziness when I am so isolated.
An elegant simple solution
I was trying not to fret about the rabbit, but also I was fretting about the rabbit.
One day I got a text from a friend I haven’t seen in a few years. He was driving from Iowa to Arizona, in the company of a very sweet dog I know, and wanted to detour my way for afternoon tea.
Of course, I agreed. It is a rare joy for me to have a visitor out in these parts, but also I was worried the dog might want to investigate the rabbit situation.
As it happened, she was entirely unconcerned by the rabbit or anything else, and remained gloriously unbothered, my favorite superpower and one I want for myself. My friend got the shovel from the shed, and slid it gently beneath the rabbit who fit perfectly inside it.
“What a pretty rabbit,” he said. And took the rabbit into the big field and there we said a goodbye. Goodbye, rabbit friend. Safe travels. An easy passage.
The rat collective
The State of New Mexico mailed my car registration for the coming year, so I applied the new sticker and went to put the paperwork in the glove compartment.
Inside the glove compartment was an enormous rat nest, taking up the entire available space. Which is a good reminder to me to open it more often, I guess.
Apparently they know all the other places I look, and that’s why they’re there.
I removed the nest, and deep cleaned the glove compartment, and also wiped it down with lemongrass oil, just to let them know that they have a worthy enemy in me.
My friends all said variations on, “ew I could never”, and honestly that’s not even the grossest thing I’ve removed from my car, I wouldn’t even put it in the top five. But it’s nice when other people think you are brave, even when you can’t appreciate it.
The javelina
An absolute unit of a javelina came to visit me this month, I’ve never seen one alone before.
Usually you see a family, traipsing across the street in a line, or enthusiastically knocking down trash bins if you’re in a city.
They are extremely smart, and also matriarchal, which is cool, and known to strike terror in the hearts of Texans and small dogs, but this one seemed very chill.
Very, very chill. The javelina just hung out by my fence and grazed, did not seem to mind anything at all, and then casually loped off after about half an hour.
An odd omen for an omen, if it’s an omen, I hope a good one in any case.
Miracles of fall quarters
So many beautiful and magnificent miracles.
It’s not nearly as bitterly cold inside as last winter, thanks in part to a mild winter so far, but mostly to the two new windows that have double-paned glass and were correctly installed.
I have running hot water! Indoors! For the first time in nearly two years. In the kitchen too! Shower still doesn’t work but I no longer have to heat water in the kettle to wash dishes or to wash me, and it is genuinely life-changing.
Didn’t know what to do about the mysteries of the half-frozen rabbit corpse, but it solved itself with my friend’s surprise visit.
More focus, more energy than three months ago. The imaginary clubs are helping, early to bed is helping, kitchen-jogging is helping, patience is helping.
Luck is a miracle, bravery is a miracle, keeping on keeping on is always a miracle. A thousand points to us, at least.
Bravery, endless bravery
I couldn’t listen to music the other morning during the power outage so did an hour of morning jogging/pacing alone with my thoughts, and it was okay, actually. As in: not nearly as bad as I feared.
Intense, sure, yes. But not a bad experience, astounding news to me.
My friend who much higher standards than me texted back regarding my unlikely morning win:
That is literally the bravest thing I have ever heard, I would not spend an hour alone with my thoughts if someone paid me a million dollars. Okay, maybe for a million dollars. But not a penny less!
And yes, she has a great point. Truly no one should have to be that brave, and we should all be well-compensated for it when we are that brave. I mean, yes, I AM BRAVE ALL THE TIME, WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT.
And here we are, brave and keeping on.
Back to the labyrinth
I revisited the labyrinth and walked it twice, once for the quarter that just passed (equinox to solstice) and once for the quarter to come, solstice to equinox, here we are, embarking…
It showed me how I became the Tough Survivalist of the Bunkhouse, the tough cowboy who gets things done without hurrying, it showed me how I am stronger than I realize.
And then, on the second round, it gave me a task, related to these processes of hibernation and hermitude.
So now I’m just letting that information sit and percolate, and in the meantime I’ve been talking things out with my incoming selves…
Talk to me about these quarters
Talk to me about the next three months, this passage into the new year.
What do you think I should focus on, what do you want me to know or keep in mind?
This is what I asked of my various selves, including The Cowboy, The Assassin, and anyone who wanted to show up…
The labyrinth says
The Three Months Later of solstice to equinox can be a strong and steadfast a container as you make it, as powerful a chrysalis as you decide.
Come up with goals and a plan that can be broken down to weekly, with a lot of repetition and go way deeper into hermit time and hibernation. Use the practice of clubs to hold and tend to your wishes.
The Cowboy says
You gain so much from being tough and needing little,
but that doesn’t mean you should stop welcoming in plenty,
you want to expand your capacity to receive and to ask,
you just want to be very pared down and seek pleasure in that as well
always thanksful, the joy of these tea lights from your faraway friend, the joy of support,
the joy of learning from people you love, the joy of rain on the roof, it’s all beautiful and magnificent,
consider also the joy in compiling, and let’s also not forge the joy in releasing,
and of course the joy in ease
(can you take more joy in ease,
can you find more ease in joy?)
The assassin says
Take the clues where you find them, don’t look too hard, just stay receptive…
Take time during the day to breathe, experience relief, relax your jaw, find the good, we zero in on one mission and then the next. Bear in mind that hermit time is recovery time but it’s also a gathering..
For example: gathering inward, gathering your various selves and parts of you, gathering strength and powers, and gathering together what you need for your assignment..
You are training hard and you will be training even harder, finding more pockets of time in the day, making the transitions between clubs even more powerful and enticing, giving yourself more credit, liberating more.
Sorcery self says
Sweetness helps, keep adding sweetness and intention
Gleaming is a way to keep your space sweet, and hiking is a way to have sweetness
Winter cheer self says
The main thing is the rituals, one thing and then the next thing,
today you got a little out of the routine and started to flounder,
always know what your next club is and have a plan,
do writing time first, even if it’s just asking questions and seeing what comes…
Miracles self says
Miracles abound, see them everywhere
And when you don’t see them, there’s still no reason for worry…
Even when you think this practice is silly or unserious somehow, keep looking, stay receptive…
You can always find small things to appreciate.
Self of solstice to equinox / winter quarters says
Did you know…?
You can get rid of more than you think,
there is nothing to hold onto,
make space and even more space,
you have the elements in place, and you have insight,
put it to use
Disability advocate self says
Sleep matters, and it matters more than you think, protect your sleep time and get cozy.
Know your needs, know your known yeses, and when they are deeply known, you won’t need to defend them, because following that wisdom will be so automatic, there will be no more need to fight with yourself or with anyone else on this.
Choose Calm self says
Clearing space will help, movement will help, light will help…
But mainly just keep remembering that you can choose towards this.
And when it doesn’t work or doesn’t happen, we don’t need to be reactive about that, we can be compassionate, warm and loving about not-calm too, a human response is a human response, meet it with love and sweetness, and keep it moving.
Back to bravery
Okay, it remains extremely unfair that we have to constantly be brave, and yet we soldier on, and we are.
I took the advice from my incoming selves and spent some time contemplating and appreciating the beautiful miracles of fall quarters.
Including the fact that I thought I didn’t make a fall shrub for solstice, but there’s a cinnamon cardamom spiced apple shrub at the back of my tiny fridge.
Calling on all superpowers of bravery and joy.
Bravery and joy, bravery in joy
Taking joy in hibernation, in this intentional hermit time, the deep chrysalis of the last week of the year.
Yes, that’s the plan: seeding seeds, taking small steps, resting more, wishing more wishes. A hot beverage. Porch breaths under the stars
And imagining Mariah Carey singing, ALL I WANT FOR CHRYSALIS IS YOOOOOOOOUUUU.
A breath for that. Happy in-between-time, a good crossing. Bravery and joy.
We wish you a merry chrysalis and a happy new year!
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. I am lighting a candle for all of it!
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind (come to heart?), let’s support each other’s clubs, hopes, wishes, dreams…
Thank you, everyone who reads, porch breaths, the winding path, the many clues that land when they land, receptivity, tiny hope sparks, keeping on keeping on.
New product alert!!!
There’s fun bonus material on how I relate to time and map out my quarters for the year.
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get this bonus material by email as a pdf!
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Going Clubbing (secret code for staying home)
Going Clubbing (secret code for staying home?)
A breath for right here right now
Hey friends, what a time to be alive — that phrase being not exactly positive, not exactly derogatory; but like, not not-derogatory.
Certainly I personally am glad for life, glad to be, glad to be alive, a beautiful miracle, any beautiful miracle in a storm, but also wow, so many agonizingly painful disasters in the world right now.
Glad and thanksful to be here, truly full of thank-you in my fullest thank-you heart, and extra appreciation to CQ for dropping that amazing quality and turn of phrase in the comments of the last post, a glorious word that is much better than its predecessor.
Here, breathing, as thanksful as we can manage, and also not ignoring what is hard, painful, challenging, unjust or just really fucking sucks, many things in all of those categories at once.
And still we ride (and rise), here we are.
Here we are
Anyway, here we are in troubled and terrifying times, and also in thanksful-times in many ways.
And I very much hope you are holding steady, able to take some porch breaths or window breaths or hand-on-heart breaths, or whatever does you some good.
Last time we talked about December Obsessions (and other wishes), and before that about the surprising and unlikely power of sometimes, occasionally, just letting things be unfulfilling, it’s better than it sounds.
And today I want to talk about the way I get things done, but to do that I need to talk a bit about life with Long Covid, something I mostly avoid discussing, so let’s be brave and just do it.
Reality just is
January 7, which is even more just around the corner than it sounds, will be two years since I woke up to a new personal reality, though of course I had no idea what was coming for me.
Here are some aspects of Long Covid life I’m dealing with, and I know that I am much luckier than many:
- Changing sheets on the bed is such an exertion that I need to take breaks while doing it
- Often can’t hold in my head what I’m doing from moment to moment
- I get dizzy from the smallest things, bending to pick something up, lifting something not particularly heavy
- The loud whistling and ringing in my ears for hours at a time, sometimes all day…
- And if I know an exertion is coming up (laundry day, for example, or a doctor appointment), I know I have to schedule rest and only rest for the days before and after.
Another example
I baked these very delicious, extremely tiny, extremely cute sweet potato rolls (pictured at the top of this piece) last week, and I love them so much. Dream life addition to breakfast.
But I had to make them over the course of several days.
The first day, I washed, peeled and sliced sweet potato. The second day was for steaming and mashing the sweet potato, and measuring out the dry ingredients. On the third day, I prepped the dough and baked half.
In other words, something that could have been a brief activity in the past is now a three to four day event. I’m not complaining, or at least I hope I’m not, it’s just: things are really different now. And often significantly harder.
I go slower, and I do less, because that’s all I can do.
And because if I don’t, I will pay for it later, and it simply isn’t worth it.
And yet
And yet we still exist in the world, the world of bills and obligations, the various deadlines, and there are things I need to do to stay alive. So how does that happen when I am disabled, alone, isolated, in the wilderness, with no support networks?
It happens in part because I am very lucky to often or at least sometimes have some energy, as opposed to the many people living with long covid who have zero energy.
And I conserve this energy, and protect it like the precious cargo it is, which means am extremely careful and with what I do and do not do, always following the protocols.
As you imagine, this is often not fun, and I need things to be fun and enticing, because ADHD means everything that is not a current obsession is boring and unappealing unless I can find a way to make it fun…
And this is how I came up with the idea of clubs, or, as I call it, going clubbing. LET’S GO CLUBBING!
What are the clubs
A club is an imaginary place and designated container of time for anything at all that I wish to do every day or at least do some days.
A club can also be a goal or an aspiration, or taking any steps in that direction.
I go visit one club and then I go visit the next. That’s what I do with my day, I’m out clubbing! And in between, I’m at Club Rest More, if that is what’s needed.
And of course, I do these in non-zero amounts, it doesn’t have to be much, we are just touching in. If all I do in Cooking Club is peel a sweet potato, good job, babe.
However much I do extremely counts as You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie.
Let me tell you about my clubs!
I don’t name clubs for things I am able to do automatically (for example, when I wake up, I dry brush, get dressed, light a candle or turn on a lantern, hydrate, brush teeth), but that’s because I’m doing really well right now, and don’t need those reminders.
Sometimes these things do require a club to get them done too and that’s fine.
You might have noticed there’s a theme
Yes, these clubs are mostly grounded in the concept of non-zero — do a non-zero amount of movement, get non-zero nourishment into my body, take non-zero steps towards the most important things on the list.
As long as I’m still moving forward, taking any next step, no matter how tiny or symbolic, that is a big deal.
And when I can’t, I can’t. The point is, we’re trying.
If/when I get stuck, then we go to Surprise Dance Party Club, aka turn on one song and bounce it out, and yes, sometimes this happens in bed, good job, movement and aliveness.
Here are my current clubs…
Rest In Beauty (RIB) Club
This for bravely closing my eyes for Seven (Ideally Eight) Delicious Hours or more, whether I sleep or not, good job to me.
It’s also an acronym for RIB, a reminder me to keep my ribs anchored and not compress my lower back…
It’s going better now that I’m not calling this club Go The Fuck To Sleep Already For The Love Of God.
Club Happy Lizard
Once I wake up and do my first morning things, it’s time to make sure I’m a happy lizard (cozy in my aquarium), this is really about winter cheer and coziness in the context of oh right I live in an unheated tiny house in the mountains…
Cheer, coziness and deliberately making it harder to accidentally tumble into the pits of despair when things are extra cold and grey in these parts.
It’s making sure I have my warmest hat on, a heating pad to sit on, curtains open, maybe lighting loose incense that I made in a different club. This is the club where I check in with myself and ask the very useful question, what would help most right now, in this moment?
And then I try to do some of that..
Jog Club
I like to jog (this is a very generous word for a semi-bouncy walk) figure eights in my tiny kitchen, both in the morning and the evening, to stay warm, and also for thinking my thoughts.
Sometimes I listen to music or a podcast. When I am feeling especially brave, I will be alone with my thoughts just to prove that I can do it, but I don’t entirely know that I recommend this!
Sometimes it’s a slog, in the category of unfulfilling but I do it anyway, sometimes it’s fine to fine+, and quite often, it helps my mood. More and more often, it’s in the category of And I Crave It, but either way, it’s my club and I show up.
Anyway, yesterday was twenty three days in a row of a real commitment to both morning and evening jog time. Designated time to just bounce around and keep it moving.
It’s doing something good for my brain, and it’s good for my joints, I’m having fewer nightmares and, as we always say, whatever works.
Cake & Coffee club (this is my favorite club!)
The coffee isn’t always coffee, anything in the category of a Delicious Warm Spiced Beverage will do. It’s a ritual, and a form of light sorcery: something is brewing, something good. Often with chiltepin pepper.
The cake is usually banana bread (chocolate cinnamon, or coconut and brown sugar) that I make in my tiny, tiny oven that looks like a child’s toy, though I have been known to make other cakes as well.
Cake & Coffee Club started as a way to allow me a sweet and comforting transition from morning jog to whatever is next, a way to bribe me into not giving up on the rest of the day.
Over time, it’s evolved. When I skip stones (journal) with my incoming selves, we often talk about the day or week that was, what’s working, what’s needed. And several future selves suggested that I try making this time more special, more intentional…
As in: clean the kitchen table first. Light a candle. What if instead of using this time to read email, I use it for gazing out at the trees and the fields, just breathing and being, enjoying the pretty light…?
Sun Club / Get More Swift Club
Before long covid, I was so strong and liked to do an obscene amount of daily sun salutations. Now I have altered the practice so much that I don’t know if they’d be recognizable as such, but have found my way into a flowing sequence of gentle movements my body can handle on most days.
When things are bad, I do a few and then need to rest.
Lately I have been in a groove and they’ve been feeling better, but I often just don’t want to do them even when they feel good.
Sun club is for shifting that. It’s for greeting the day, tuning into all the qualities of turning towards the sun.
Swiftness is about speed and agility, but also a reference to that Time Magazine piece about Taylor Swift, and how she trains for her concerts by singing her entire set while on the treadmill.
This club is about the slow motion montage, building endurance, calling on all swift powers of recalibrating, and keeping on keeping on. Music helps. Repetition is good for my brain. This is a club of entrainment.
Non-Zero Stretch Club
This can be one song. Sometimes it’s five minutes. Sometimes it’s half an hour.
As long as I get a quad stretch in there, I’m good. Non-zero counts.
Do I miss having more stretching / yoga / feldenkrais / etc in my life? Of course, but we rebuild slowly and with intention, and right now one song is a good amount for me to aim for. If more happens over the course of the day then god bless, but the point of this club is truly the non-zero.
Club H.A.V.I. / sometimes known as HAVII
The acronym stands for either “Havi And Vegetables? Intriguing!” or “Have A Vegetable, I Insist”, and it relates to this monster fear-story I had when I was really sick that I was going to succumb to scurvy or something terrible, because I was not consuming enough food at all, and definitely not enough vegetables.
This club, which many of my friends have joined and I appreciate that, is just a way to remind me about the existence of vegetables, and to remind my monsters that yes, I do in fact consume them.
As a result I now eat a ton of vegetables because it’s always on my mind, and also the name of the club makes me laugh.
Yesterday for example, I had an onion spinach green chile dish with jalapeño, and leftover sweet potato onion hash, and then it’s fun at the end of the day to see that yes, we had vegetables! Yet again, monsters are virgins who can’t drive, and also they are wrong about me being not well-nourished.
Club HAVI makes sure I am well-nourished, and it turns food prep into a bit of a game. And honestly, I fully believe, for the record, that our bodies are wise and able to turn pretty much anything into the nourishment we need, so no worries if you’re in a situation that demands Twizzlers instead of vegetables, or whatever.
CvT Club
CvT Club aka Captain Von Trapp Club is probably most important club of the day? I mean, obviously Cake & Coffee Club is the most-most.
But CvT Club is about being as sexy, focused and disciplined (and sexy, did I mention that part) as Captain Von Trapp himself by which I mean Christopher Plummer in the Sound of Music version.
I was a fairly spacey, dreamy person even before a traumatic brain injury and then long covid stole my ability to focus. And thanks to ADHD, if I’m not hyper-focusing on an obsession, what am I doing? Unclear!
In CvT Club, I invoke all the Captain powers, choose/name my points of focus, and use the forest focus app which makes sure I won’t be distracted by my phone for two hours.
Usually the first thing I do for CvT time is wash and dry all the dishes, wipe down the countertop, clean the sink, as a form of entry. Then I have an open document for that day’s CvT plans which I check.
Sometimes it’s writing, sometimes it’s liberating an iguana (doing something I don’t want to do). It could be dealing with the Box of In. It could be brainstorming and problem-solving. Captain time is focus time. And if I can’t focus, I might journal or do Cooking Club ops.
Cooking Club
This club is for making sure tomorrow-me will also be well-nourished. Some days it’s for small things like making a simple syrup or gathering vegetable scraps for the freezer to make stock the next day.
Or prepping dry ingredients for a future batch of banana bread.
Other times, when I have more energy, I do more serious food prep.
This helps me make sure that even if there’s a power outage, or I just don’t have energy to make food, there will still be something to eat. I used to resent Cooking Club, and now I really enjoy it.
Club Dish Zero
What it sounds like.
I like to wash up as I go, but either way, I want to make sure that tomorrow-me doesn’t have to deal with bullshit from today.
If it’s the kind of day where my only options is leave dishes or eat snacks from jars in the pantry, I’ll leave dishes.
It’s a concept, not a rule. We are not strict here. The club exists to support me, not to punish me.
Club Interiority
Also known as Non Zero Words Club. This is for writing time, or: writing and processing.
I find it stressful to force myself to write; interiority and aiming for non-zero words feels more neutral.
Sometimes this happens in the morning, sometimes in the evening in bed, sometimes during CvT time.
I know some people really need a specific time, like morning pages or whatever, but for me, as long as it happens, I’m good. And for me, personally, it really varies from day to day when I want to be writing.
If I’m too tired to focus, I just skip stones like What’s Working, What Would Help Most Right Now, Where Is The Treasure, What Don’t I Know Yet?
If I don’t have any answers, I invite the cowboy, the assassin, my Neal Caffrey self, my Cowboy Drag Sharon Stone self, any iteration of Slightly Future Me, and so on…
Congruencing Club / Non-Zero Gleaming
Any amount at all of cleaning something or putting things away or doing pantry consolidation.
Slowly, slowly. It all counts.
Any Self-Care Club
When things get hard, I immediately drop all the practices that help most.
This is the club that gets me to comb my hair or moisturize or, again, whatever would help that I am not doing.
Club Porch Breaths
This is non-zero going outside, it could be a walk to the mailbox but if all I do is open the front door and take a breath of fresh crisp porch air and commune with the trees for a moment, good job to me.
♣️ Avoidance Club ♣️
This is for celebrating being off social media sites that are big time-stealers for me, I love to be in Avoidance Club.
Today is my twenty third day not reading Reddit, a place I often am drawn towards in order to be comforted by the reminder that other people’s problems (and opinions!) are usually worse than mine, a place I go when craving distraction.
It’s not about the place, it’s about what I call pellet-pushing. Like when rats in an experiment will keep pushing the lever in the hopes that they might get a pellet.
When you want a positive feeling so you go to the place that sometimes delivers a positive feeling, but more than not, it does the opposite.
Anyway, like with everything, YMMV, and a place that isn’t great for me might be fine for you, or serving some sort of need you aren’t ready to let go of, no worries there. We are all just human and figuring things out in a world designed by the smartest engineers to steal our attention.
Four new clubs!
Lately I have been tentatively feeling a bit better, some more energy, so I added more clubs, we’ll see if they stick.
Two were wishes that really scared me (keeping the inbox down and tab count down), one was something I’d been really missing, and one just showed up.
So now I have Small Inbox Club, Tabs Club, Arabic Club (40 day streak!), and Bonus Wins Club which is about naming anything else I did during the day that doesn’t fall into another club.
This is a chance to award myself even more sparklepoints, for existing, and making it through another day. Bonus wins! There’s always one somewhere, and if not, there will be a chance to try again tomorrow.
What is clubbing for!
For one thing, it’s a great way to get a headstart on new year’s wishes (or the word that rhymes with revolutions), if you do that kind of thing, or if you want to skip that, it’s just a fun thing to have a club!
A way to practice and experiment. For me, clubs are a no-guilt container; they do not exist to make me feel bad about myself, they are just a framework for trying things.
You obviously do not have to start with (or end up with) a million clubs like I listed here, I started with one or two clubs, and then more invited themselves to the let’s go clubbing party. Maybe one club is the exact right amount of clubs for you!
For me, the most fun part of my clubbing lifestyle (other than using that phrase as someone who is a hermit in the woods), is naming the clubs. And then renaming as needed. But also it’s helping me get more done, stay a little more focused, be a little less stressed.
Join me in a little Club Non-Zero Anything?
While it is true that I am getting way more done than I did in the days before Going Clubbing was how I set up my day, I also think it’s just fun to be in a club.
Even in an imaginary club, even in one that is just me.
Much like my fake band of the week, Cake Adjacent.
And it’s even more fun to name a club.
So you are welcome to join me in inventing any clubs that appeal to you, or something else. Maybe your thing isn’t going clubbing instead of doing things on a list, maybe it’s a secret third thing, and I support that, because of course.
Let’s play. And if you’re not in the mood or right headspace for clubs, totally understandable. I will light a candle and take some porch breaths for all the many hard things getting easier for all of us.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
What clubs are you inviting into your life, or wishing for?
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. I am lighting a candle for all of it!
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
Whatever comes to mind (come to heart?), let’s support each other’s clubs, hopes, wishes, dreams…
Thank you, everyone who reads, porch breaths, the winding path, the many clues that land when they land, receptivity, tiny hope sparks, keeping on keeping on.
Bonus question
Big progress on bonus material on how I relate to time and map out my quarters, lmk if there anything you want to know more about?
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email when I finish the edits!
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
December obsessions (and other wishes)
December obsessions (and other wishes)
How are we doing, sweet friends
How are we coping, how are we holding up?
Are we managing to do a non-zero amount, however tiny and symbolic, of any the things that help, whether doing them feels good in the moment or is mildly unfulfilling..?
For example, attempting a hip stretch or a shoulder stretch (or both!) for the first time in [REDACTED], which is of course absolutely heroic, even if we just thought about doing it later and planted the seed. 🫡
Thinking about doing is also a step
Thinking about it is also a step, which makes it non-zero effort, in the invisible continuum between zero and one, and I love this for us.
And I mean all of that very genuinely.
Quite often I need to think about things I might do or wish to attempt before I go for it in real time, and yes, the invisible steps are also steps.
Groundwork is groundwork and it counts
Groundwork is groundwork, heroism all around.
It’s brave to try, and also to consider trying. This is something I would have thought was extremely silly twenty years ago, and now I understand that there is so much wisdom and compassion in being able to perceive the invisible seeds of wanting.
There is so much courage in the invisible seeds, and in the patience to let them do their thing in their own right timing.
Still following the protocols
This past week I’ve been having some Total Breakdown days, or semi breakdown days, or whatever, I don’t know, a non-zero amount of breaking down. It happens.
It really does. The extenuating circumstances are many, these are not easy times, and the world is the world.
So I have been following the protocols, because when in doubt: follow the protocols. And when in a breakdown, definitely-definitely follow them.
Two questions
Your mileage may vary of course, because we are different and we all need different things
The protocols, for me, start off with two questions:
- What is useful about this breakdown?
- What would help most right now in the moment?
Not all questions need answers
The first question does not need to be answered; it only needs to be asked.
This is important, actually. It is a question that exists to be a reminder that many, many times in the past, these breakdowns have turned out to be useful.
Maybe these breakdowns revealed an insight or some direction.
Or maybe they got me to clean my floors, amen.
Or maybe they got me to do some journaling after all the crying.
It’s good to be reminded that these experiences of falling apart can be useful and even important, that they are a step in a process, and while this particular step is not enjoyable, the larger process might turn out to be meaningful and fulfilling. It probably will, it quite often does.
The second question grounds me in the moment
The second question grounds me in the moment: What would help me most right now?
Not what might help in general, though that’s a useful list to have on hand or to come up with, but what might help me right now in this moment?
These can be physical things: sixteen breaths, hand on heart, feet on the ground, maybe a mini dance party to one song…
And they can be comforting, reassuring reminders, like now is not then, practicing acknowledgment & legitimacy, remembering to ask what’s true and what’s also true…
Anyway
Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to, following the protocols, asking the questions, doing the things that help or might help, one step and then another step, good job.
And trying to focus on December Obsessions and other December Wishes.
As you know, I love a good obsession, as well as the idea of a good obsession, any obsession port in a storm. My ADHD brain needs to hyper-focus on something enticing, give me the deep dive.
Some good candidates for December Obsessions
I’m thinking about trying a different recipe for tahini brownies (gluten free, vegan) every week until I either find the one true love tahini brownie that knocks my socks off, or, alternately, until I decide that this is not my yes, and some other small dessert can be my winter love story.
Similarly I’m thinking about making granola, though I’m not entirely sure why, or if it would even work with my impossibly tiny oven, since doing things in batches does not always work well with ADHD life, and I am extremely likely to forget what I’m doing and give up partway through.
And I’m thinking about a return to hiking (aka a leisurely meandering walk of an hour or less), something I haven’t done since summer, and then I wasn’t feeling well for a few months. But lately I’ve been training, and endurance is up, and I think I’m up for it too.
Tabula rasa, as symbolic as it needs to be
As always I would love to obsess over any form of a clean slate: an empty inbox, a clean bedroom, closing the tabs.
Obsessing over vocabulary quiz, obsessing over remembering to do LUTW (Legs Up The Wall), obsessing over delicious nourishing breakfasts, obsessing over Do Less To Get More, I’m here for all of it.
What do I know about this
I was thinking this morning that my wish about the tahini brownies is really a wish to have a vegan and gluten-free dessert recipe that I can just make without thinking.
Like I do with chocolate sesame banana bread or with coconut pudding, former obsessions that are now just integrated into my life.
But then I was thinking that this is not a new obsession, this might even be a continuation of a fantasy from childhood, when I would imagine being an adult and magically able to to just whip up some cookies or do some art, like my mom could.
Something about…
And something about how maybe I focused my attention on those specific types of [let’s call them domestic pursuits, even though they don’t have to be], because I knew I would never do the main one.
Ever since I have known myself and remember myself as a person, I have always known that I did not want to be a parent, and I also knew that becoming a parent was what was expected of me as a person. So maybe I solved that in my mind by imagining myself baking instead. We’ll see what my imaginary therapist says about that.
The art of a fifty minute hour
I love a fifty minute hour, be it therapy or a soak in the hot pool. It’s kind of how I do my writing hour (non-zero words, for five sets of ten minutes), and it’s how I do kitchen jogging, set a bell for an hour and the last ten minutes are for slow-down…
An hour is a big commitment, but fifty minutes is somehow more doable.
A fifty minute hour means time for entry, or exit, or both.
I am also thinking about hourglasses as a potentially lovely way to spend a period of time. If I get lost in hyper-focus then I won’t even know how long I’ve been away at sea, but in a good way.
Obsessions with ritual
Because my brain is how it is (ADHD plus traumatic brain injury plus long covid, the trifecta of being super fucking out of it a lot of the time), I use ritual even more than usual to set the form of my day.
Ritual is the container.
It does not matter how I feel when I wake up in the morning (tired, panicked, confused, unsure), I do the morning things in the order of the morning things. It helps, even when it is unfulfilling, though quite often it both feels good and helps more than I expect it to.
So how can we slowly and steadily layer on more and more of these?
Monsters
Obviously my monsters of self-criticism have formed a choral group (it was also Monster World Cup last week if anyone noticed extra monstering in the air) to follow me around and sing songs about how I make poor life choices and have ruined my life, etc etc.
They think obsessions are silly, they think tahini brownies are a bad idea.
They say I am just setting myself up for failure and disappointment, what if I don’t even like my obsession?
But guess what
But guess what, obsessions are a vehicle for passion, but the object of the obsession is neutral and can be changed. If brownies aren’t the thing, maybe a green chile apple crisp is the thing.
We’re experimenting. We are trying things out in order to set into motion the experience of caring about things again, and if I can care about things again, I can care about life and aliveness, I can do a better job of taking care of myself.
It’s not nothing. It’s a lot.
Alright, what’s working?
Honestly, this December is already better in many ways than the last one.
The enormous projects of replacing the two windows on the north side of the tiny house trailer and getting a new hot water heater installed took over a year, but now I can wash my hands in warm water, which is life changing, and the house holds in heat much better than before.
Tea lights are lit, with loose incense I made. And the December experiments are going strong.
The experiments are starting strong
I’ve already run some Hannuka experiments (can you make latkes in a waffle iron, hell yes you can, wafflatkes are delicious) for this next week, and in general maybe even feel a little less deer caught in the headlights about the passage of time than I usually do.
Trying to tire myself out with movement has sadly not been helping with getting me to want to go to sleep, but I think it is helping my mood, so that’s something, and the experiments with a more firm schedule (operation we run a tight ship) are helping too.
Let’s name some December Wishes…
Cozy comfort.
Someone to go on hikes with and explore.
More fifty minute hours. It holds itself.
More joyful obsessions, good ideas sparking. It solves itself.
Infusing rituals and [containers of time] with more pleasure, more joy, more of the good kind of obsessive.
More winter cheer. Better sleep. Waking up with a passion for something, anything!
Some deus ex machina solutions to my two biggest house-related problems.
Something to be excited about and maybe even look forward to, I need this.
What’s next?
Hannuka starts Thursday night. Chag urim sameach, a happy festival of lights.
Then Tuesday, December 12, is the new moon and also National Ambrosia Day.
I do not know what that means, but to me it suggests making a delicious hot beverage, so I am definitely going to do that.
So, between now and next Tuesday, how about a trial run for December Obsessions, with as many do-overs as we want, throughout the month and beyond….
Do-overs forever
After all, these December Obsessions themselves are a trial run for 2024 Obsessions, and there’s a beautiful wish hidden in there too:
The obsessions write themselves! The obsessions run themselves!
All I have to do is pay attention, and they can channel excitement and they can channel grace, enough for me, and for the collective too.
Hello, December
One week in. How are we feeling, what are we noticing, where are we being pulled, what is needed most, what is useful about feeling what we are feeling, even if it happens to be end-of-the-year upheaval?
(Which it might not, obviously! People Vary, and you feel what you feel, it doesn’t have to be related to what I’m feeling…)
What good obsessions can we brainstorm, what low-stakes experiments can we embark on, or what non-zero movement can we take in that direction?
Wishing is the invisible part of generating momentum, maybe, and either way, it couldn’t hurt to make room for the vulnerability of wanting something better.
I am wishing everyone so much love, support, grace, comfort, treasure, whatever you need for this time.
How about you?
Thankful for each day that I get some focus and energy, for each good song on the radio, for all hope sparks, for the lovely and thoughtful comments people left on the last post (thank you!), for porch breaths, and all moments of calm. How about you?
What are your wishes? How was your week! I am lighting a candle for all of it.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. Wishes you are wishing.
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
You can wish any wishes that come to mind (come to heart?), or echo “Oh wow, what beautiful wishes!” for my wishes or anyone else’s.
Bonus question
I’m working on bonus material on how I relate to time, if there’s stuff you want me to cover, let me know!
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email when I finish edits.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️