What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

Searching for a collective noun. Please help.

So. I have been a woman in search of a verb.

And together we have looked far and wide for ways to describe iguanas.

I need your help again.

Here’s the question.

This is what I asked the Twitter bar last week:

What’s the collective noun for an obscene number of open Firefox tabs? A bevy? A fluster? An impossibility? A span?

The public needs to know. Well, I need to know.

Here’s what I got.

Oh-so-many marvelous responses.

Including:

  • A clutter of tabs
  • A fandeck of tabs
  • A crash of tabs
  • A phlox of tabs
  • An array of tabs
  • A tabulation of tabs
  • A Flaming Skulk of tabs (It’s just one guy!)
  • A profusion of tabs
  • A library of tabs
  • A maelstrom of tabs
  • A flock of tabs
  • A rumpus of tabs (I quite approve of a rumpus of anything.)
  • A smarmal of tabs
  • An inferno of tabs
  • A procrastination of tabs?
  • An enthusiasm of tabs! (So true.)
  • A spasm of tabs
  • A smatter of tabs
  • A spangle of tabs
  • A bankruptcy of tabs
  • A distraction of tabs !!!
  • An obsession of tabs?
  • A blustering hurricane of tabs (Another candidate for a Fake Band of the Week)
  • A cluster of tabs
  • A necessity of tabs!
  • A flab of tabs
  • A blaze of tabs !!!
  • A clusterfuck of tabs
  • A den of tabs
  • A leak of tabs
  • An overwhelm of tabs
  • A slowdown of tabs
  • A crash of tabs
  • A conflagration of tabs
  • A flurry of tabs
  • An amassment of tabs.

It kind of reads like a poem.

Also suggested:

A tabillion tabs! Tabscenity. Tabpocolypse. And a Tabstravaganza.

I like it.

And the one that made me snicker:

From @StevenHowe: “A carton of tabs, surely.”

Yes.

Here’s what I want and need from you.

More suggestions!

Or: what are your favorites?

And!

I also have about seventeen billion (yes, monster-number) open TextEdit documents that are currently freaking me out through existing.

What’s the collective noun for THAT?

Please suggest.

A _______________ of TextEdits. Or a ___________________ of open documents?

Whatever you think sounds good.

Thank you!

And thanks to:

@revrendoni, @lisafirke, @amnaahmad, @jillian6475, @amthanna, @aronL, @jjlogs, @Cazzylina, @AardvarkPotions, @maclogue, @whynotdancing, @jneves, @martieu, @LeelaSinha, @jovanevery, @KaleenaRivera, @spiralsongkat, @mobiiart, @PokMcFee, @UncontainedLife, @JamesWester, @spiralshannon, @judespacks, @LoveWastingTime, @verso, @bswx, @phenom1984, @AlexisHelmrath, @BradenRussom, @HiroBoga, @angeladee, @jeremymyers, @fiona_robyn, @kirstenasimmons, @peetahb and @TBilich.

Suggestions are welcome.

Everything goes better in my life when I have the right word or the right metaphor.

Help is appreciated!

xox

Very Personal Ads #112: bobble whatzits and the vocabulary problem

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

The title of this post…

Is it just one guy?

Probably. Moving on!

Thing 1: a tiny, designated notebook

Here’s what I want:

I’ve been doing this ritual at the Frolicsome Bar (our facebook page) where I list some of the things I’ve experienced, noticed, perceived, etc over the course of the day.

Then people join me and it’s lovely! (See also: Today I Saw.)

But I cannot always remember things that I’ve experienced. Or sometimes I jot them down for later and forget.

And then I’m constantly finding random cryptic little notes:

Older gentleman at bus stop inquired as to when I’d last eaten ice cream (answer: twelve years ago).

Which is vaguely entertaining but it doesn’t help my practice because I can’t remember what I’ve already posted and things get lost. I need something that supports this ritual, because I like it.

Ways this could work:

Maybe there will be the perfect tiny little notebook at the bookstore near the Playground.

And then I can use the art supplies in the Treasure Room to decorate it.

I’ll probably also need another tiny notebook to use for gwishing, so they don’t get mixed up.

My commitment.

To experiment. To keep trying things until something sticks. To stay connected to the essence of this Things I’ve Experienced Today thing.

It’s a kind of playful mindfulness. Conscious and aware but also light-hearted and full of sparkling possibility. If I stay connected to that, maybe the solution will find me.

Thing 2: a whole list of stuff for the Playground

Here’s what I want:

There are all sorts of things that the Playground needs, and of course I can’t remember most of them at the moment.

But the list definitely includes:

  • Wig heads. Wig stands? You know what I mean. Things that you put wigs on.
  • Those wobbly bobbly things that hold cards. I don’t know what they’re called.
  • A lamp.
  • Another mirror.
  • Shelves for the Galley.
  • A gumball machine! Or something like that. I have this picture in my head but I can’t really describe it yet.
  • More costumes.

Ways this could work:

I don’t know.

I can put out an ask here. I can head out on an Expotition or hit some garage sales.

Just putting it here for now.

My commitment.

To revisit this and find out what is missing.

Thing 3: a new ritual for Morning Begins At Night.

Here’s what I want:

To do something each evening to help set up the morning to come.

Ways this could work:

I’ll probably take this to Shiva Nata and see what it gives me.

My commitment.

To pay attention and ask smart, loving questions. To be patient. To drop the seed and let it land.

Thing 4: love stories for the Great Ducking Out II

Here’s what I want:

Last year’s Great Ducking Out (aka run away from Thanksgiving!) was the most wonderful and amazing thing ever.

So I’m doing it again.

I want love stories from people who came last time. About the food and how much yum. About the fun, silliness, epiphanies, camaraderie or anything else.

And I want to put those stories on the HAT.

Ways this could work:

I can ask here!

If you were at last year’s Great Ducking Out and you have a story to share or a sentence or a description and I could use it, that would be marvelous.

I can also write up my own stories and memories from last year.

And I can put out a more formal request to everyone who came.

My commitment.

To fill up on love. To update the page.

To tell you about it.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I made a wish about Hawaii, and I am still wishing it.

Then I asked about a really good strapless bra, and I am going to use Larisa’s recommendation for where to go look for one.

I wanted to announce the Crossing, and I didn’t. But mainly because I was sick and didn’t do much of anything last week. So re-asking this one.

Also I wanted to find the good in a tough situation and I did!

I wanted to tell you guys about the Great Ducking Out and I sort of did and sort of didn’t.

And celebration for the Shiva Nata iPhone app — appreciated! Thank you.

Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.

Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!

Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.

VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

Friday Chicken #160: ha, there was some good stuff in there after all.

Friday chickenIn which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

This week was not fun.

Let’s bid it farewell, in the hopes that next week will feel welcome to come in and be more… compatible.

In the meantime I’m kind of dreading the chickening because I can’t remember any of the good stuff.

Luckily I know from doing a hundred and sixty of these that there is always some good stuff. Let’s see.

The hard stuff

I didn’t get a weekend. Again!

Because of the Shiva Nata iPhone app launch. Which I didn’t know was going to happen just then.

But it did, and when a launch happens you’re kind of supposed to be there for it.

So work emergency trumped vacation-emergency, and I spent my much-hoped-for holiday working from my hotel room.

Which was supposed to be a really nice hotel.

But it turned out to be a crappy hotel pretending to be a nice hotel.

Among the amusing bits:

The jets taking off and landing outside the window, the forgetting of hand towels (twice), the coming into the room despite the Do Not Disturb sign (twice), and leaving a container of furniture polish and a dirty rag next to my bed. Lovely.

It was a very apt reflection of some other sovereignty/boundaries stuff that I was working on.

And it also kind of worked as absurdist theater.

And then regretted the decision all week anyway.

Regretting things is annoying.

Especially when you originally made the calculation that if you’d made Decision A, it would come with fewer regrets than Decision B.

A lot of things hurt this week. And I wasn’t myself so the hurt came with a lot of resentment, and I wasn’t in a spot where I could adequately work with the resentment. It sucked.

But hey, I learned something. Nothing like the hard way!

Because I got sick.

So that was my week.

Mostly in bed. But not the fun kind of in bed. The completely not able to function kind.

And then everything else kind of deteriorated because of that.

It was crazy hot.

I was tired, miserable and cranky and couldn’t get anything done.

Wasn’t paying attention, wore the wrong shoes out, got awful blisters, had to walk home barefoot at night which resulted in more feet-hurt, couldn’t go to dance class, missed the bus, generally not fun.

It got even less fun than that but I really don’t want to talk about it.

Let’s just say that I am planning on not having any more weeks like this.

Also this.

When I’m not depleted, I’m much better equipped to deal with boundary stuff.

And when other people decide not to take responsibility for their stuff and put it all on me instead, I don’t get annoyed.

But when I’m exhausted, over-worked and unhappy, I forget how to meet other people’s pain with compassion.

So then I end up not responding until I’m able to respond. And now there are all these backed-up responses.

Oh and then no water.

A mysterious Hoppy House problem resulted in no water.

On the hottest day of the year, because why not.

Luckily I had just had a massive Berlin-homesickness-craving for Apfelschorle, so I was well supplied with liquid until it got sorted.

The good stuff

Making the roller derby bout.

Remember in the VPAs two weeks ago when I made a wish to be on tour?

I made it to the bout and did a teensy little shivanautically-themed workout for my skaters. GNR looked great. They stayed in their force fields, played tough and beat the Southern Oregon Roller Girls 131-53.

Super fun. And yeah, we were the only fans there but we made a LOT of noise.

And — how sweet is this? — they asked me to be in the team picture too. It’s adorable.

The world didn’t end even though I couldn’t work this week.

That’s always good to remember.

Taught some lovely classes.

The Shiva Nata class at the Playground was amazing.

I’ve been having crazed epiphanies all week.

Plus it was hilarious.

We had Trampoline, Lizard, Brownie and Disco as the horizontals, and Sailboat, Pumpernickel, Bonus and Nostrils for the verticals.

Then we did some Level 3 and Level 4, mixing words and numbers.

So if left hand does numbers and right hand does words, 2:8 = two nostrils. But the mirror reflection is NOT nostrils two as you’d expect. It’s eight lizards! Yes. CRAZY.

Oh, and I did a class for my Kitchen Table program and some really neat stuff happened.

The Shiva Nata iPhone app!

It came out last week and this week everyone talked about how great it is, and that made me very, very, very happy.

Thank you for all your support and spreading the word. Though now I’m totally wishing I’d consulted Briana and called it Epiphanies in My Pocket!

But still. Pocket Shiva Nata! It’s here and it’s fabulous. HOORAY!

I broke down and bought some clothing.

Now I shall be clothed!

Ez!

Fun chat with my brother made it all better.

Onward Rose City!

The Timbers made their three points on Wednesday by beating Chivas USA, so we’re still — barely, by the skin of the teeth — in the running for playoffs. Yes, it’s ridiculous.

Also there was a Timbers win over the Whitecaps, except everyone here adores the Whitecaps, so the celebrating was relatively subdued and all “we love you, guys!”, etc etc. Best chant from that match? “Your bacon is a lie!”

And then there’s lots of roller derby this weekend, so I’m happy.

Understandings reached.

Thanks to all the Shiva Nata, massive realizations all week. About time and space.

More specifically about my time and space, the ways that I don’t appreciate or take care of my time and space, and what I’m going to do about that.

This resulted in a huge depiling, some ceremonial dispatching of iguanas, and making a number of changes in my Pirate Queen Quarters at the Playground.

I’m in Colleen Wainwright’s 50-for-50 interviews!

This is big for a number of reasons.

One: I dislike being interviewed and so I’ve turned down all interview requests for nearly three years. But I like the Communicatrix so much and care about her mission so much that there was no way I wouldn’t do this.

Two: What she is doing is incredible. Support it!

Three: She wrote my bio. I didn’t have to write a bio! This is brilliant, because I detest writing bios.

Four: This interview is one of fifty interviews with her favorite women writers. And I’m on that list! This is a happy!

Anyway, here’s my interview about pickles and writing. Note the lovely picture of the Schmoppet. Schmoppet!

I hope you enjoy. And I really, really hope that you spread the word about her 50 for 50 project.

And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”

And this week’s band actually comes to us via that same brother.

Another Guilt Machine

They’re playing in town all week. Except that it’s really just one guy.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

The questions

So I’ve basically been in bed for three days now.

Except for teaching the Shiva Nata class at the Playground last night, which was crazy and beautiful and impossible to describe.

But mostly bed. Recovery mode from the weekend that may or may not have been eaten by bears.

And since my whole thing is consciously interacting with whatever is going on, I have been using this Time In Bed to ask a bunch of questions.

And here they are.

These are the questions that I scribbled on in my Notebook of Recovery Time in Bed. I used them for stone skipping practice.

In no particular order…

  • If I were to rewrite the weekend that resulted in being here now, what would I do differently?
  • What are the parts that I would do again?
  • What does this remind me of? Any elements that feel familiar?
  • Who else has played my opposite role in this situation in the past?
  • What’s my pattern here? And am I doing it now? Yes, yes I am.
  • What are my options now for consciously and lovingly interrupting this pattern?
  • Any scared parts of me from then who need attention and/or safe rooms?
  • Talk to the resentment. What does it know?
  • Hello, “You’ll Never Get Out Of Bed Again”. You must be one of my fuzzball monsters. What do you need in order to feel safe?
  • Would you like to do some coloring?
  • What am I sorry about?
  • I forgive myself for __________ because ___________.
  • Another person I want to forgive is __________ because ____________.
  • What’s the most unexpected thing I could do right now that would still feel safe, supportive and congruent?
  • If I had stronger, clearer, healthier boundaries, I’d probably…
  • The version of me who’s really clear about sovereignty — what would she do?
  • Slightly Future Me has already resolved this. What does she wish I knew?
  • Without negating the legitimacy of the hard and painful bits, what is useful about this experience?
  • What am I learning from this Time in Bed that is going to serve me well with my mission? Note! I don’t have to know what my mission is in order to answer this question.
  • What’s next?
  • What needs to change in my kingdom?

Your mileage may vary.

These might not be your questions.

Sometimes a question isn’t your question. There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with the question. It’s just that — at this particular moment in time — it’s not a match. That’s okay.

These questions might remind you of other questions.

Or interacting with one of the questions here might lead you to the question that you need.

The main thing is, we try things.

We operate from the following assumption: in any given situation, we have the right to play. To interact, to experiment, to find out what we need.

Play and questions are friends. What if things were like THIS? What if I tried THAT?

Play with meeeee! And the giant comment zen blanket fort.

If you would like to ask yourself any of these questions about a situation you’re currently in, go for it.

If you’d like to invent new questions and share them (or not), that’s cool too.

If you’d like to donate some imaginary pillows to the Refueling Station, I’d like that too.

As always, we all have our stuff and we’re all working on our stuff. We let people have their own experience and so we don’t tell each other what to do or how to feel. We practice.

Happy (possibly Blustery) Windsday!

My weekend got eaten by bears!

My weekend got eaten by bears!
Not really,
but it did get eaten
and I agreed to it
and now I am sick. Surprise!

But mainly I can’t decide if it’s worse that I didn’t get a weekend or a vacation
that I had been so dearly looking forward to…
or if it’s worse that I allow external circumstances to take over
because I don’t want people to think bad things about me. Familiar?

Wanting to please and fear of not pleasing
winning out over the hard-earned/hard-learned truths I’ve committed to.
I guess it’s all the worst part.

Because I am more depleted now than when I set out to vacation
and I want to be cared for
and that job is mine
and I am not good at it
yet.

Yet.

Notes.

  1. The above is what we call a woem. Woem!
  2. A woem is a poem of woe and grumbles.
  3. It’s something we invented at the Whine Bar in my Kitchen Table program. Full name: Crankypants McGrumbleBug’s Kvetchtastic Whine Bar!
  4. Its purpose is to make you feel better through writing it.
  5. Or at the very least to get some of the woe out of your head.
  6. Because when you acknowledge pain and grief, and give it room to exist and be legitimate, something moves.
  7. And usually you also notice something interesting too. Side effect!
  8. The thing I noticed was about how there aren’t any bears. Kind of like how on some level I know that there is no shoe.
  9. My pain and resentment was my stuff, as it pretty much always is.
  10. The other thing I noticed was about YET.
  11. I am a fan of yet.
  12. It takes the sting out of blame.
  13. It says, “Okay, so maybe I’m not there yet but I’m working on it and I’m in a process.”
  14. It says, “I’m here. Right now. And here is okay because there is a trajectory in play, and this is where I’m at with it.”
  15. Yet opens up possibility and spaciousness.

Play with me? And comment zen for the giant blanket fort.

  • If you would like to write a woem (or musings about YET), go for it.
  • You can share it if you like but you totally don’t have to.
  • The brilliant thing about woems is that they don’t have to be written especially well, or at all. Because that’s not the point. The point is interacting with woe.
  • The fountain doesn’t judge. Woes or grumbles can be tiny or large. They all count.
  • A woem about toe-stubbing is just as valid as a woem about deep grief and loss.
  • We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
  • We take responsibility for our stuff and we make room for other people to have their stuff.
  • We make this a safe and welcoming space by not telling each other what to do, how to think or how to feel.

Kiss!

The Fluent Self