What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Friday Chicken #153: pirate queen in hiding
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
It’s Friday! That wasn’t unexpected at all.
Anyway, here we are. Let’s chicken.
The hard stuff
Dread!
I was so anxious about the Fourth of July and all my PTSD stuff coming up, what with all the explosions everywhere.
And it kind of incapacitated me until I figured out what to do with it.
Anxiety over the weekend. Not fun.
Plus everyone you meet asks you what your plans are for the holiday and you don’t want to actually SAY that you’re planning on hiding in the closet and sobbing, so it’s awkward.
Ahahahahaha, systems screw-ups again.
On the Fourth of July itself, I didn’t look at my calendar. Because it’s a holiday.
But apparently someone on my crew scheduled a client call for that day.
So I didn’t show up for it.
And then I felt awful about that. Gah. SYSTEMS! Just when you think you’ve sorted out the rough edges, there’s another rough edge in there somewhere.
Work. In. Progress.
Exhausted.
Spent most of my three day vacation napping.
A minor disappointment.
Have you ever had something in mind to try that you thought was going to be your favorite thing in the entire world?
And then you finally get a chance or make the time, and it turns out that it isn’t that great after all.
A small thing but there is grief there too.
Hotel had awful freakish warped fun house mirror.
In the room.
I now know what I will look like if I am ever to reach a state of “Wesley, get momma’s prying bar”. Simpsons: season 9, episode 17
It did not exactly enhance my vacation. Luckily the bathroom mirror was remarkably flattering, so I spent lots of time in there recovering.
Time off goes by too quickly.
I protest!
The good stuff
I was okay!
I used all my techniques. I prepared. I did Shiva Nata on it.
And it worked.
No Fourth of July falling apart this year, for the first time since coming back to the States (five years?).
And I was even able to watch the fireworks from a safe distance (resting in the grass in the dark).
And I DIDN’T CRY.
This is nothing short of outrageously miraculous.
Three entire days of vacation.
Bliss.
All the neat things about vacation.
Long hikes by the river.
Being tired, sweaty and covered in dust, but in a good way. And then climbing into the bath.
Eating tortilla chips while sitting on the balcony.
Not having plans.
Not caring about plans.
Encountering the disturbing word non-word “Poo-llution”. And then snickering the rest of the week.
Dance class every day!
Happy.
I saw lots of neat things on my holiday.
Like a marmot. On a golf course. Pretending to be a bunny. (Unsuccessfully.)
Also a coyote meandering across a highway with roadkill in its mouth.
Star-spangled-fingernails on an especially patriotic waitress.
I smelled elderberry flowers.
Basically, it was different than being at home. And that was kind of the point.
I wrote the Shiva Nata posts I’d wanted to!
Specifically this very important one about 10 Basic Principles (which are useful and valuable even if you’re not a shivanaut).
AND this one about how Shiva Nata is fractal and crazy and there is no such thing as running out of it. Also relevant for other things that you practice.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is one I heard about through Amna.
Sad Lumpy Routine
See them live if you get a chance. It’s supposed to be quite the show. Though, did you know? It’s actually just one guy.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Hello, July. Let’s make some Gwishes.
Background.
- I am a fan of entry and exit.
- I like rituals. You may have noticed.
- Waving hi to the month of July is a variation on my daily Hello, Day practice.
- Gwishes: what I call those things that are not goals or wishes but kind of both.
That should be enough. Let’s do this.
Hello, July! What I want from July.
By which I mean: What I’d like to receive/learn/perceive/experience in July.
Okay. I want to be able to rejoice over July. To release this dread, resistance, regret, fighting-with-what-is.
It’s July. I’d like to be able to say HELLO, JULY, without the accompanying Oh crap how is it already July?!
Or if I can’t accept the July-ness of July yet, at least to recognize that and say hello to it too.
I want to see the good and find the good and remember the good. Without minimizing the hard.
To have something reignite. Sparks. Excitement, enthusiasm, optimism. I don’t know. I can’t remember. I want to remember.
I want this to be the month when I arrive on the other side of this gigantic growth period and say ahahahahahahaaaaaaaa this!
The qualities and superpowers of this July.
Hope. Trust. Safety. Support. Love. Adaptability. Agility. Congruence. Flow. Forgiveness. Play.
For my body.
Walking, breathing, singing, tramping on the tramp, going to dance class, lots of Shiva Nata (five minutes at a time), napping.
And lots of water.
And more napping.
Sleep, basically. As a gift. Here you go, body. I care about you. Enjoy.
What does Slightly Future Me have to say about all this?
She says:
You’re doing great, hon.
This can be another turning point if you let it. You’ve done the work.
The key is joy, delight, gratitude, not-forcing.
And you have to play with it. Fill up on your you-ness.
Stop. Look around. Stop again. Enter and exit. Be conscious.
And take lots of baths.
Let’s make some Gwishes!
Gwish! Gwish! Like bubbles.
I gwish for:
- A vacation! A longer one!
- For the ten Shiva Nata posts writing themselves in my brain to put themselves on paper or turn themselves into pixels.
- For a redoing of the Plum Duff Days in the new format.
- Spaciousness and ease.
- A new couch.
And let’s throw some things into the pot.
I throw all of this into the pot.
Play with me? And comment zen for today.
You are welcome to write your own Hello, July.
Or drop off some gwishes.
Or write July a love letter.
Or invent your own month-welcoming (or month-naming) ritual.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.
And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.
That is all. Much love and happy July-ing.
This is a list that my monsters wrote!
This week’s Very Personal Ads reminded me — again! — that I am desperately in need of a Pirate Queen Holiday.
And that if Selma and I don’t go into Emergency Vacation mode and take one immediately, some pretty not good things will probably happen.
Even the monsters agreed.
And they are usually of the (extremely vocal) opinion that any time off whatsoever is DOOM DOOM DOOM and IMPENDING DOOM.
My monsters were now more worried about the impending doom from not taking a break than they were about the doom of taking one. Wow. That got my ass in gear.
Thus a mini-holiday!
A mini-holiday! It is happening! Hooray! And happening tomorrow. Again hooray!
Except about ten seconds later it turned out that the pre-holiday freakout was happening too. Surprise. Not-hooray!
So.
Let’s be scientific about this.
As you know if you have the Monster Manual & Coloring Book, one of the ways to lovingly stop your fuzzball monsters in their tracks and get them on your side is by invoking SCIENCE.
Your monsters don’t just get to make wild claims and give supposed evidence by telling stories about how much you suck.
They have to come up with a hypothesis and test it.
And your crew of internal scientists comes out with their lab coats and clipboards, and it’s awesome.
Because it pretty much always turns out that the monster theories are not very accurate. And then you are armed with statistics for the next time they mistakenly attempt to terrify you.
Anyway. That’s just background.
Let’s do this. Seventeen Billion Things!
Monsters say there are Seventeen Billion Things To Do before I can go on this mini-holiday. So DOOM!
Also they say that I will never get them done, so not just DOOM but also SHAME and possibly a chorus of Oh No Oh No Oh No Oh No and some hyperventilating.
That’s their number. Seventeen Billion Things To Do.
I say, on the other hand, there are no more than thirty things, and that some probably don’t need to be done right this minute anyway.
Who is right?! It’s so hard to say.
Let’s bring in the scientists!
Wait. Monsters say we can’t bring in the scientists because:
a) no time! and
b) some of the Things To Be Done are things whose existence we won’t remember until later, and the monsters will feel stoopid (again!) in front of the scientists.
I pull out the Clipboard of Tested and Acknowledged Facts.
And I show it to the monsters. Yup. They made the very same No Time argument eleven out of the past twelve times that we consulted the scientists.
And in all twelve of those situations, consulting the scientists actually saved us time.
As for the feeling stoopid thing, we are asking the scientists to reserve judgment and be neutral. They can do that. They’re like the Negotiators. They don’t take sides.
Compromise? Compromise!
I suggested to the monsters that we just make a list right now of the things that Absolutely Absolutely must get done.
And they said Okay. Deal.
They wanted to make the list themselves without me looking.
So. This is a list written by my monsters, who wish you to know that they have permission from me to write it.
And I will just add that they were granted that permission on the condition that they not say anything mean, call me names or try to guilt-trip me.
They asked if they can quietly whisper-add “except in bed” to each item to make it funnier and I thought that was a good idea, and now they are giggling hysterically. Which is weirdly cute.
Also. These are not in order but the monsters say there’s a Very Strict Rule about how if there aren’t numbers it doesn’t count.
Except in bed. Tee hee!
So there are numbers but I don’t have to follow them. Yes? Yes.
The monster list of things we think Havi absolutely absolutely needs to do today so she can go on mini-holiday tomorrow!
- write notes for the dvds ordered this weekend
- finish and put up the new post
- give FM packages to deliver to Cindy
- have a giant fit about packing
- pack
- go to stephanie
- don’t forget to tell stephanie about what NOT to do
- buy toothpaste
- go to the Horrible Store and procure the Thing You Can’t Live Without
- make lists of posts for while you’re gone
- Oh! The folder! The folder! It needs so much work and this is urgent ohmygod!
- tramp on the tiny trampoline
- go to dance class
- notes for the chickening
- clean up for S who is coming to stay (take note, imaginary Twitter stalker burglar!)
- take care of the Project Mess at the Playground
- send the card to Svevo
- put the pouncers in a box
- laundries
- emergency birthday present hunt because uh-oh we forgot his birthday
- questions for H.
- put that music on the ipod because you’ll need it for doing Shiva Nata
The monsters feel ashamed that they temporarily cannot think of more than twenty three things but they assure me there are more that they have forgotten.
They also say that if I weren’t so disorganizizized, they would have a better list, but they understand that I am scared of order because they yell so much.
They kind of wanted to put GET ORGANIZIZIZIZED PLEASE on the list but I reminded them about being realistic. And about not yelling.
So here we are.
The monsters wish to say thank you for the opportunity to write a list all by themselves without supervision, which has never happened before.
And I want to say thank you to them for not saying anything mean on the list. I’m sure that was really challenging, guys.
All right, monsters! They also agreed that I could stop freaking out if I did some of the things on the list. And they agreed that they would stop freaking out too.
So I’m going to see if I can help them out by doing a couple of these while they chill out in the Chilling Out Room (it’s like a safe room) and drink their Timber Joey milkshakes while making extra loud slurping sounds.
And comment zen for today..
Interacting with monsters is hard! It’s the hardest!
You might be wondering why my monsters weren’t more abusive and scream-ey and terrifying today. That’s because I’ve been talking to them every day for the past six years.
So we have a different relationship than you might if you’ve only recently started experimenting with opening up channels for sovereign, compassionate internal communication.
This stuff is challenging. It takes time. And I still have moments when I forget what I’ve learned.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.
No advice, please, but if you want to make lists of your own or say YAY or invent milkshakes, that is welcome.
Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
Very Personal Ads #104: for you
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.
I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!
Two full years of doing these VPAs, as of today.
And no one is more surprised than me.
I’ve never missed a week, though sometimes I don’t get to it on Sunday! Couldn’t do it without knowing that you guys are reading. So thank you for helping me stay in the ritual and the practice, even when it’s hard.
Thing 1: systems help
Here’s what I want:
At the last Rally (Rally!), I had about ten billion amazing insights about business systems and related personal life system-ey stuff as well.
And then I hired Cairene to help me implement, and she has been incredible, as always. Cairene has also Rallied at the Rally so she gets it.
So now there are all these bits and pieces for me to do so that I can start USING these systems.
It hasn’t happened yet. And I’d like it to.
Ways this could work:
I could take a day or two off, hang out at the Playground and play with this in a creative, experimental, Rally-esque way.
Or maybe just planting the wish here will already do the work.
Also I can take it to Shiva Nata and ask the practice to show me what will help me say yes to the new forms and structures.
Or I can ask Slightly Future Me for advice.
My commitment.
To remember how important this is, find out where the resistance is, talk to monsters as necessary, and discover.
To keep trying things.
To forgive myself. If something isn’t working, that isn’t a sign that I’ve screwed up. It’s just information to take back to the lab.
Thing 2: a holiday before Rally starts
Here’s what I want:
So the July Rally (RALLY!!!! Can you tell how excited I am?) starts Monday, July 11 in the evening.
That’s basically in a week.
And I really want to be rested for it.
So I need to move some stuff around and make this holiday happen.
Ways this could work:
I can tell the GF that this is not optional and that I need help making it work.
My clients can be sweet and accommodating. Or I can just do sessions from the road but on the road I will be.
We can bring the Flip and shoot a bunch of Shiva Nata video while we’re gone.
My commitment.
To commit to this because I know in every cell of my body that it is vital.
I just wrote this and then I thought of a really good place to run away too. Yay.
Thing 3: releasing judgment
Here’s what I want:
About seven or eight years ago I started a practice of not lying. It was a yoga thing.
It was both way harder and way easier than I thought it would be. And it showed me a lot about the patterns beneath the patterns, if that makes sense.
Anyway, I love being mean. Funny-mean. It’s a part of me. And I don’t really plan to stop.
But I’ve noticed myself making snap judgments and jumping to conclusions.
So I want to start a practice — for this week, let’s start slow — of just noticing when I do that.
Not stopping myself. Not judging myself for doing it, because that would kind of defeat the purpose. But just saying, “Hey, I’m doing that thing. What do I really need right now?”
Ways this could work:
I’m going to put it here and see what happens.
I might use my journal or the Hello, Day ritual or the forum boards at my Kitchen Table program to help me with this one too.
My commitment.
To notice the patterns without thinking that they say anything terrible about me.
To recognize my stuff when it’s my stuff, and give it permission to exist.
To find the love and the pain and all of it and let it be what it is.
Thing 4: two weeks of special Shiva Nata posts!
Here’s what I want:
We had the Shiva Nata picnic call this week and it was so much fun. And now I’m crazy excited for the September Training aka the Shivanautical Academy of Hilarity and Play.
The early registration ends JULY FIFTEENTH which is in less than two weeks.
I have so many things I want to say, plus there are all sorts of great questions people had that didn’t get answered.
So can I write posts for the next two weeks? I’d like to!
Ways this could work:
I can take it to Shiva Nata and have it show me where the inspiration is and what needs to happen.
My commitment.
To write love letters.
To spread joy.
To dance dance dance like that’s all there is.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
Let’s see.
I wanted companionship for parading, and while nothing has really moved with that, I feel so much better about the whole thing. So maybe what I wanted was just ease. And knowing that I’m not alone.
I know that now. So it’s good.
Then I wanted people for the Shiva Nata sneak snack picnic preview call and we had two hundred and twenty something, so that totally worked. Even though I didn’t do anything.
Thank you, everyone who joined us, and everyone who spread the word!
Also, you can still sign up even though it’s over, because that will get you an email with the recording as well as the transcript of our two hours in the Chattery (the chat room).
I also asked for help and support with a mini-brunching of a product, and while it hasn’t happened yet, I totally did get help and support. More coming!
And I wanted do-overs and got them in a very surprising way. Still shaking my head over that. A good week, all in all. Still learning how to do this.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #152: Someday I’m gonna marry that girl
In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Friday? I do not believe you. I also do not believe that it is July.
But okay. Fine. Let’s say that it is. I guess we could chicken then. Let’s do it.
The hard stuff
A less-than-24-hours vacation is NOT a vacation!
I had a mini-holiday that was lovely. Lovely!
But so short.
Over before I’d even started softening into the idea that I was there.
Annoyances, grumbles and irritability.
So many things getting on my nerves.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.
Not getting done any of what I’d planned/hoped.
And somehow it’s Friday already.
An awkward, horrible, stupid conversation.
Not with you. You’re fine.
People who don’t want to adapt to a situation when adaptation is both the obvious answer and the only viable solution.
My stuff. It comes up.
Sleep-deprived.
Or really just sleep-disrupted.
Uncomfortable.
Massive internet hangover.
Despite the huge amount of assembled information in the Book of Me about why I need to be very judicious when it comes to how much time I spend online and what I spend it on…
I forgot. Or fell off the wagon. Or something.
But I went on an internet binge that left me feeling dazed and miserable. Surprise.
And it took way longer than usual to clear out and come back to myself.
The good stuff
Sunday Parkways.
A three hour Sunday Parkways walk in North Portland.
Stopping at a park to sit on the grass.
Watching adorable chubby naked children gleefully dancing around in the various fountain-like water-spurting structures: JOY.
Watching unsuspecting passersby (mostly the oblivious parents of frolicking children) get bombed with water from the highly unpredictable water-spurting structures: COMIC GOLD.
Walking in the streets was beautiful. The freak flags were flying. There was a pirate. Can’t wait for the next one.
Super exciting roller derby bouts.
Away games = much yelling at the computer screen while streaming the bouts.
Rose City’s Wheels of Justice went to Philly for ECDX — the East Coast Derby Extravaganza.
They got beaten by Gotham but put up a good fight. And really, everyone gets beaten by Gotham. Oh, wait, not anymore. Thank you, Oly Rollers! Thank you, Rocky Mountain!
Plus I got to see Scald Eagle line up next to Bonnie Thunders on the jam line. Double swoon! My two favorite skaters in the world, outskating each other!
But then things got even better with was Rose City’s impressive take-down of Philly (the Liberty Belles!) — our skaters held them scoreless for TWENTY THREE minutes running. It was pretty great.
That’s the number five ranked team in the western region handily beating the number two team in the eastern region. In case you’re ever talking to one of those people who think the talk about west coast derby culture is “just hype”.
Marriage equality in New York.
It’s official.
And beautiful.
Not that Bonnie Thunders even knows who I am. Yet. But that’s not the point, is it. Civil rights! That’s the point. Yes.
Vacation! I love it!
Even though it was just one day (okay, less than one day), and purely symbolic, it was just beautiful.
The drive was outrageously beautiful. The hotel was lovely. I had a brutally great massage. There was bourbon. I was happy.
We are the rose city! (You can’t stop us!)
So yeah, it was a terrible, horrible, humiliating week in the world of football, which I shouldn’t have even brought up. But it’s rose season like crazy right now so I’m thinking about roses and how we’re the Rose City, and then all the football chants get stuck in my head.
Anyway, ROSES! My goodness.
They are everywhere! They smell incredible! Every day I meet a new one and fall in love.
Lovely foods from the Hoppy House garden.
We are eating well here at Hoppy House.
Strawberries and blueberries! Wonderful beets! Peas and beans and broccoli and lettuce and so many delicious things.
Frauen WM!
Local football might be having a tragic week but it’s the Women’s World Cup right now and I’ve really been enjoying the matches I’ve seen.
Though it was kind of hearbreaking to watch the North Korean players doing the whole Arrested Development Charlie Brown saddest slump-walk ever as they came off the pitch.
Wait, here’s Tobias doing it. Even better.
Anyway, World Cup. Yay!
The Shiva Nata sneak snack preview picnic call yesterday.
So much fun!
We had over two hundred people. Despite the fact that I totally bailed on all the things I was supposedly going to do to spread the word about it.
The smart, thoughtful, useful questions and insights were flying so fast on the Chattery that I couldn’t even keep up (luckily there’s a chatroom transcript for everyone).
So many amazing people! Such a pleasure!
Thank you, everyone who was a part of it and who helped spread the word.
And if you want the recording and chattery transcript, you can still sign up and get it.
Things I’ve been looking at, reading, enjoying obsessing over this week.
- This wonderful post from my beloved Michelle about Disappointment Avoiders Anonymous.
- Fascinating. Dear photograph.
- Another gorgeous drawing tutorial from Lackadaisy.
- This is beautiful: Operation Pitch Invasion! I love it.
- And did you know? You can cancel yellow pages in Seattle. More than 225,500 already have. Fabulous. That’s how it should be.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is kind of a bluesy group:
Chandelier Fetishist
Catch them at the festival. Buy their new album. And don’t tell anyone but it’s really just one guy.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.